BUILT TO LAST

about something that's just been on my mind, you know. So you like me, might have some daily or weekly habits or whatever, right? So on Saturday mornings I wake up, my sweetie always kind of laughs because, you know, he gets up, he just kind of takes his time. He takes the dogs out. He like, feeds all the furry kids, you know, he does all this stuff and and then he usually, like, grabs an instrument, and he's like, on the couch, right?

I get up on Saturday mornings and I'm like, let's go. Like, I get right into action, and it's like, cleaning this vacuuming that projects this, right? Like, I just wake up and, like, hit the ground running. I think I've kind of always been that way. I don't drink coffee, so I'm not somebody who needs, like, caffeine to, like, get going. I think I just kind of wake up a little, like, just, I always say, Man, any day that I am above ground, know that old saying something, I just kind of

wake up. I do a little DSP, my little daily spiritual practice, and then I'm like, let's go. I got got it my back. I got shit to do. Let's make it happen, you know. So the reason why I'm telling you all that is that I always like part of cleaning is that I vacuum. Now I have this vacuum. It's all gonna come together in a minute. Stay with me. I have this vacuum. It's an auric vacuum. O, ah, E, C, K, I think I've had this vacuum for like, almost 25 years, if not more. I might have had it longer

than 25 years. I was just looking to see if I could find, like, the original receipt and like where I got it from. I have the original like paperwork for it, meaning, like the manual. But I don't have, I don't know if I have the receipt, it might have even come with me from California. Like, that's how long I've had this thing. But here's the thing about this vacuum. Back in the day, when I first got out of college, I went to Boston University. I went to BU when I graduated, I had to

get a job right away. It's a whole, much longer story, but I was the concierge at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge. If you've ever been to Boston and you've driven on steroid drive and looked across the river, you've seen the building it looks like, like a step pyramid, almost, right? That was one of the best gigs. I had so much fun. I got some stories. Look, read my memoir when that thing comes out, I got some stories, but I

had so much fun with my coworkers at that gig. There was also a couple of unfortunate incidents, but it's also it was a really great gig, and I became very friendly with some of the housekeeping staff. I was the concierge, so I was like, at the front desk, like, dealing with the people and stuff. But, you know, I had a lock up, like, just where, like, all the housekeepers and stuff did, and I became really friendly with

them. I also worked part time up in the gym at the Hyatt Regency as well, and that was really fun, because there was a pool up there and a rooftop deck for sunbathing. It was like, a blast. Okay, anyways, we're back. I was just like daydreaming a little bit about that. But the housekeepers always had these high end, incredible vacuum cleaners. They were, like, upright ones, like, so not one like you pulled

around behind you, right? So they were upright, and they had this feature where you could practically lay them like so there was a hinge, right? So there's the head of the vacuum ran. It's like the thing, right? It's like the thing that spins and the brush that pulls all the dirt back into the suction spot, right? But the bag itself, like had a handle, and you could literally lay that sucker flat so you could get underneath the

furniture, in the beds, even if they were low to the ground. And I always said to myself, someday, I'm gonna get myself one of those fancy schmancy vacuums. Okay, so the day came when I could afford to get one. Now, those suckers weren't cheap. I think at the time when I bought it, maybe it was like 200 bucks, I don't remember, but I remember thinking to myself, I did my research, right? And I was like, I'm gonna get a good vacuum. I got this vacuum, you guys. It is still running

fantastically to this day. Now, of course, I changed the bags, right? I have had. There's, like a local, I think it's in Manchester. There's an orc vacuum cleaner specialist people, and I've brought it there twice, once to replace the wheels, once to replace the belt. But, like, this sucker is built to last, okay? And I have a few things in my life that are made that way. I refrigerate. I was just saying My sweetie the

other day. We have almost lived in this house, let's see. It'll be almost 19 years, and we got that fridge like when we moved in, and I said to my sweetie just the other day, and I know some people freak out. They're like, don't say it, don't jinx it. But like, and I'll knock on wood for good measure. But I open that the doors up the other day, and I'm like, Look, my fridge isn't fancy. It doesn't, you know, it's like a split it opens up. One side is a freezer. One size the fridge, it doesn't

make ice cubes. I don't need it to. I don't want a fridge that makes ice cubes. I don't like the way ice cubes taste from the fridge, right? I mean, like, you know when the cycle thing? I don't need the fridge to, like, do like, to know my schedule, or to have social media with all the screens, like, I don't know what's going on with all that new shit that they're building. But this fridge, I've had it for almost 20 years, and it's still

running like a champion built to last. Okay, my car, my car. I'm still driving like a 2010 Toyota, rav4, I've only ever owned Toyotas. I've had four Toyotas. That's all I've ever owned. People American made, like Ford, GMC, like Bucha. Don't come for me, okay? I'm a loyal Toyota person, right? My my Toyotas have gone for hundreds and 1000s of miles. My forerunner, before I gave it like I traded it like I sold it

to somebody, was like, at 250,000 miles. My current one, my rav4 is at like, 168 or something like that, built to last. Okay, there's a reason why I'm talking about this. Hopefully you have some good things in your life that are also built to last. We have become a fast a fast society, a fast culture, right? We want fast food. Well, I don't want

fast food. I mean, once in a while, right? Once in a while, if you're out and you want a snack, maybe, but like, you know, but even then I'm eating vegan fast food, but like, fast food, fast fashion, fast friendships, fast I can't say that F word, right? All the dating apps, fast effing you know what I'm saying? Everybody just wants the like, let's go. Let's go. Fast, easy, cheap.

I don't know. I'm a Generation X kid. I kind of like to buy things and invest in things that are going to stand the test of time, and that is just not the way that most of the world is working these days. So for me, when I think about like, if we want to stand out, and whether that's in our personal relationships or in our business and our business relationships, we want to kind of come from that place where we are building

things that last. And I often talk to, you know, like my my mentoring clients, the one to one clients, but also the people in the nest. And I say to them, you guys, all the stuff that I'm sharing here, anything that I share or teach or a resource or whatever. What I'm trying to do is to pass on skills that are going to last you for the rest of your life. This is not like a quick, you know, get well, I don't teach on I was gonna say

get rich quick scheme like, but that's not my vibe. Anyways. I'm really trying to help people gather resources, tools, practices, things that are going to change their life in the now, but also continue to be applicable, relatable, tangible,

practical, usable for the rest of their lives. I like to create and build shit that's going to last, and I want you to just think about this, because one of the most important things like that that we want to build to last is our friendships, is our relationships, and again, whether those are personal or

professional. So I wanted to have a talk with you while this has been on my mind, because when I was out on the walk today, I was thinking about like, you know, what are the things in our life that we really want to have, like, be built to last for for them to stand the test of time? Like, what are some of the qualities that we need in our friendships, in our relationships? Because, unless you're building a. Program, like a product, like a physical product, right? Like,

that's a whole other thing. I can't really talk about that in terms of, like, just use good quality materials. You know what? I mean? Like everything, and we look at, and I'm going off on a slight tangent here for a second. But when you look at the state of the environment in the world, and how much trash, how much stuff, how much shit, gets thrown into our landfills. We are poisoning the oceans. We are poisoning the land. Because everybody just wants shit fast and cheap, and they don't care

how they get it. They don't wear care how it's getting to you. They don't care what they're doing, it with it, when, when it's done, you know? And there are times like here where we live, we have to take our trash, our own trash, to the dump. And, you know, my sweetie and I, we try to be really mindful. Of course, we recycle, but every time we I have to put, like a trash bag, like a full trash bag, into the trash cans outside. You know they're getting ready to eventually, on

trash day, we take him to the dump. Like, it pains me. It pains me. And I like, I'm like, we're just like, two people and some furry kids. Like, I can't even imagine with big families with children and disposable diapers and on and on and on. I just think like, oh my god. Like, the amount of trash. Oh, I'm like, pulling at my face, if you're not watching this right

now. So here's my whole point. I would rather buy something Well, for a decent for a good price, like really invest in something and keep it out of the landfill, because that sucker continues to run. And I think that analogy can be applied to our relationships, and that's what I want to talk about. Of course, I'm always interested in hearing from people. So if you got any good stories about, like, my grandfather had this one saw like, I think about my uncle, who has all these tools, and

he's had these tools for like, over 3040, years. You know what I mean as a carpenter. And I just think it's really cool. I think about the instruments, like, musicians like my sweetie, where these instruments that were, like, built to last, like, there's a reason why, like, a 65 like fender, you know, amp is like, that's the one, right, the fender, reverb, or whatever. There's a reason why that gold, that Les Paul gold top, is worth, like, $250,000 whatever, you know. So things are built to

last, things that stick around for a long time. And I'm guessing that most of us, if we are in relationships, we want those friendships, we want those familial relationships or business relationships or whatever, to last a long time. So let's talk about this, right? Let's talk about this. So this could be a friendship, this could be a marriage. This could be a relationship between you and your customers, you and your

clients, whatever it is. So, but we can speak, you know, because I think all of these things, I mean, not all of them, not the one where, you know, when we're talking about necessarily like intimacy, if we're talking physical intimacy like you don't, you don't want to be having that, necessarily, with your clients, unless maybe you're, you know, a sex worker. But let's look at some of the things I wrote. I wrote a list of myself of some of the things, and I'm sharing these because I

think I work with enough people, right? I work with enough people, and I just know enough people to know that there are a lot of people who are maybe not that happy in their current relationships or the state of their relationships, and there's some things that they wish that could be maybe different or better or more deep, or whatever. And I think it's good

once in a while. You know, I I've often told you guys before on the podcast, when, when it's my sweetie and I's anniversary, we always say to each other, do you want to renew the contract? Right? So each year we say, Do you want to renew the contract? And then we ask each other, and I posted about this publicly,

and he knows, and he's fine with it. And then I also my sweetie, and then I all we also say, Are there any amendments that you want to make to the contract, you know that fine print, right? Are there any things like, anything you want to change, anything you want to update, anything you want to add, like whatever, you know, and I think it's important that we check in with each other, but here's some C's for you. These c's are kind

of important, right? So we want this consistency. We want consistency of effort in our relationships, meaning we don't want people who just kind of like, you know, give up, drag ass, roll their eyes, don't participate, check out, right? That's a C. We don't want people checking out. What we do want is checking in. Okay? We want to be able to be checking in with one

another. Okay. We want that consistent effort, like meaning that, showing that this relationship actually matters to you, that you're putting a little energy and a little effort towards this sucker, right, that you're not again, just like taking everybody around. You for granted, like they're always going to be there. Okay, so this consistent

effort, we also want clear communication. Oh, my God, so often, especially if you've been friends with somebody for a long time, or you've been a sibling for a long time, or you've been married or a patented or whatever, right? We have a tendency to just want other people to be mind readers. We just think like, well, they know me. They should know this. Oh, those shoulds will bite you in the ass every time, right? So clear communication, open and honest. Don't expect people to

know like the you have this expectation. I always, I always say expectations of premeditated resentments, right? So just don't just just clear communication if you want something, say it. If you don't want something, say it, you want more or less of something, communicate it. And I find it so fascinating you know that the people that you have chosen to partner with and say, like, hey, let's get on the same team here,

right? Like, let's be a partnership. Let's get whether you're hitched or married or living together or sleeping together for 20 years, sharing a hot whatever the deal is. You know, I'm like, people say, Well, I can't talk to them about that. I'm like, wait a minute. You've been sharing a bed with this person for 20 years, you've seen each other like naked, at your best, at your worst, sick, healthy, you like you've been

through the gamut together. And yet we do this thing where we're like, they can't handle the truth, or we write these stories about people and on top of, like, doing that whole expectation, like, they should know this already or whatever, we also withhold really important information. And I'm like, wait, what? What part of clear communication, like, did

you miss on this whole thing? Right? So there's this thing about being able to, you know, have that connection, that comfortable connection, where you can be human in front of that other person. You know, it's so interesting. Like, I know people who have been like, Oh, I've never, like, farted in front of my partner. I've never like, you know, I'm always like, no, like, private bathroom. Like, you know, you can't come in while I'm peeing, like, whatever. And look, every

household has their own thing. I get it, but I'm thinking to myself, if you're sharing a home or a house with somebody for a wicked long time, inevitably, all the stuff that the body does is gonna it's gonna be exposed, right? You know what I'm saying? So this is idea of like, How comfortable are you creating comfort around each other, where there's space for you to be who you really are, like it doesn't have to be a performance. You don't have to be perfect. You get to have your, you know, your

shared humanity, okay? Speaking of sharing, we also want another C, this shared commitment, right? A commitment to the relationship, and also a commitment to growth that it's not just gonna get like, oh, you know, it's interesting. An older gentleman once said to me, I thought this was really interesting. I am not saying across the board that this is 100% true. I'm just sharing what this gentleman said to me, and it made me think about it, and I've thought about it many times

over the years. He says Men often get married, right? And again, this, this could be same, these different in same sex couples, but he said men tend to get married and they say, Oh, I hope she never changes. You know, like they meet their high school sweetheart, whatever, and they're like, Oh, this is the girl from me, and I hope she never changes. Where a lot of times women will marry men, and they think that's okay. He'll change once he's with me. Yeah, he's got that annoying habit, or

he's not, he's not that talkative. He doesn't talk about his feelings that much, but he'll change once he's with me. And I thought, Oh, interesting. So I'm not going to tell you how to feel about that, but I like to just share these things, and maybe you can think on it, think on it, and then tell me what you think about that. Okay, so the other C, we also want connection, which means we gotta spend some time together, right?

We gotta communicate, clearly, communicate your wants, your needs, the desires, and then connect, spend some time together. It's so important, right? If you're always just off doing your own thing all the time, and you never have that field where you cross, where there's that moment of like, where you're actually interested in what the other person is up to right those little check ins at the end of the day, you know, before after you put the kids to bed, or before you go to sleep

or whatever. Like, you know, just like check in with each other throughout the day once in a while, not saying you have to constantly be texting each other and calling each other or whatever, you know, that's not for everybody, but at least. Have that moment where you feel like you've kind of plugged in, and you've connected a little bit, okay, be willing. Here's another big C like you got to be willing to compromise. You've

got to be willing to compromise, right? It's not always going to be your way of the highway, and it's a really beautiful and humbling thing. Now, I'm not saying you should compromise on wicked, important values that you hold. Like, I'm not saying you should give up your own identity and, you know, and and all of a sudden, like, you know, whatever. Like, I'm not saying that, but compromise on the things that don't really matter. Like, just Jesus, if they want to watch a particular movie.

Just watch it, and likewise, like vice versa, right? This is true for all family members, too, by the way, all of these, I think, and then, oh my god, here's another one, constructive, constructive, conflict resolution, fight fair, if you're going to fight, like, if you're going to discuss, if you're going to bring up a sensitive subject, let's not resort to name calling. I have just been like, that was one of the things that my sweetie and I, you know, I've been in many

relationships where I have been called some names. I have probably done my own fair share of name calling myself, or certainly I might not have done name calling so much. Mine would be more to like, maybe raise my voice and swear and get angry.

But I don't know. I don't remember. I'm sure somebody out there is rolling there, somebody else that could be rolling their eyes right now and being like, really, I seem to remember, and maybe I don't remember being necessarily a super big name call us so much as but I would definitely be like, Buck you, or like, whatever, right? So when I got together with my speedy, I was like, yeah, no, I don't want to do this the way that I've

done other things. Like, I really want to be committed to, like, basically, and we'll get into what I'm about to say, like, for these next things, but let's, let's go over these, right? So, so far, consistent effort, clear communication, right? We want open and honest communication. We want to be able to really, you know, be seen and be heard in our

relationships. And so we've gotta, we've gotta be willing to be vulnerable in that communication and open up and talk about our feelings, etc. Okay, we want to have a shared commitment to the relationship and a shared commitment to growth that you're both on a path of wanting to evolve, right? Not keep each other in a box of like when we got married, this is who you were. Well, when we set it up, this is who you

were. It's like Jesus. We want to evolve, don't we, don't we want to grow and keep getting to know ourselves and know each other and remember who we truly are. Okay. We want to have connection. We want to be able to compromise and we want to have constructive, constructive conflict resolution. But what is some of the other things that make things be more built to last right, to stand the test of time, to evolve and grow over the years? And I want to say, I want to hit pause for to put in

a little caveat here. I'm not a person right, who believes like I wasn't necessarily hell bent on getting married in this lifetime. It happened to happen. It happened later in my like it happened in my 40s. You know what I mean. But, and while I believe that a union like of marriage can be a beautiful and

powerful thing. I don't always think it's necessary, and I also don't think that people should just stayed married forever, especially if they're both miserable, and they're making everybody else around them miserable, including their children, by staying in a marriage when they clearly don't want to be around one another each anymore, you know what I

mean. So I'm not talking about building it to last and just sucking it up and stuffing it down and staying with somebody who's verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually abusive. I do not believe in that, you know. So I just want to say that there's a reason why I don't think that everybody should just run and get a divorce as soon as things are had. I think there's a reason why there's counselors and couple therapy and people you can talk to and working some

shit out. And I've also been around long enough to see that when people get people experience unhappiness or whatever in a relationship, we can be pretty quick to think it's the other person that they're the problem, when really that's when we need to take a look in the mirror. Take a look in the soul mirror, as I say, and get honest. Get honest with yourself about take a fearless moral inventory, as they say in 12 step programs, right? Take a look at yourself and a lot of

times our own dissatisfied. Action of self, with who we are, what we're doing or not doing, whatever we can. Take that kind of malaise, that general like and we blame it on other people. I'm not saying your partner isn't part of the problem, but a lot of times, Hello, I'm the problem. It's me as as what is it? Taylor Swift, that that's her song. Okay, so here are some of the other things, right? So just to wrap that up in a little bow, I don't think you should stay in something that you're

miserable in. So I'm not saying that all relationships should be built to last. I think some people are going to come in and out of our lives for different reasons, different seasons, etc. Okay, here's some other things, and I'm kind of sharing these is like a little checklist for you. If you are somebody who's in a relationship, or if you're somebody who wants to get into a relationship, here are some things you might want to be

aware of. And I'm not a, I'm not a hashtag relationship, you know, therapist, or anything like that, but I'm in the business of people, and I've been in enough relationships, right to know that these are some things that help, like human behavior, these are some things that are going to help. Is there trust? Do you trust your your friend? Do you trust your sibling? Do you trust your family members? Do you trust your partner, the person that you live with that you share

your life with, you know what I mean? That's kind of important. Without trust, how are you going to you're always going to be holding your cards close to your chest. You're going to have your dukes up. You're not going to be willing to be vulnerable if there's no trust, you're not going to be willing to be honest, to be seen, if there's no trust to share yourself, right to open yourself up, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, if there's no trust, it's not going

to happen. Is there mutual respect? This is such a big one. You know, I'm just not interested in being in relationships with people who don't have, like, basic respect for me. You know what I mean, if you don't like me, if you don't want me around, if you think I'm an idiot, if you just have no interest in being like, kind to me. Like, I don't, I don't know. I'm all sad. Like, take it somewhere else, right? I'm like, I'm almost 57 I only got so many summers left, so many years

left. I want to be around people that want to be around me, and I'm going to talk to me like, I'm a fucking asshole. You know what I'm saying? So, like, yeah, no. Like, not interested in being around the jerks, not saying I cannot work on relationships with difficult people. I don't think we should just run away from everybody that we find a little

challenging, right? There's something, there's something like, there's some good spiritual like, I'm, like, kneading my hands, like I'm making bread, like I'm kneading dough, right? This there can be something good about spending time sometimes. Now I'm not talking about people who harm you or distress you. I'm just saying, like, we don't always have to agree with everybody all the time in order to have a relationship with them. Okay? So trust, mutual respect,

reliability. Don't we all want to have, like, first of all, be a person that's reliable, but also have other people that we're in close relationship to to have that kind of

reliability. Oh, my God, when people are responsible, man, does that just take my nervous system, like right down to a much more regulated place when I don't have to do mental gymnastics, worrying and wondering, are they going to keep their word, and even if they break their word, it's probably going to be for a reason that they couldn't avoid. Like reliability, to me, is like sexy people who show up, people who are there for you, people who keep their word, people who

don't just say they're a friend. I'm doing air quotes, they actually act like a friend. They show up like a friend. You know what I'm saying. So yeah, that's good. Here's another thing, time together. Spending time together is really important. I know a lot of people do like long distance relationships, I find that most people don't do them well, right? They don't usually survive. So time together, and sometimes that time together for periods of time of travel or whatever. It might have to be

over zoom or FaceTime or whatever. But finding that time to have connection and intimacy and to connect is really important. Appreciation and gratitude. This is another way that you build especially in business relationships too. If your clients feel like you really appreciate them, this is how you can build that loyalty in relationships is that you're

somebody who has their trust, has their respect. You are reliable, that they've spent some time with you, getting to know your business, your brand, whatever, and that they know that there's like that mutual appreciation and gratitude, those things can get out of balance. You know, there can be time. Times when you feel like, taken for granted, and you're like, there's not really a lot of appreciation and gratitude happening right now and granted. There's going to be seasons,

right? There's going to be times in each person's life where maybe somebody's grieving, or somebody just had a baby, or somebody just is going through a thing right there. They're having some, you know, they're dealing with their mental health, whatever, like, not everybody's gonna be on point 100% of the time, but most of the time, right? If we can be expressing not just like keeping it in your head, right? Express your gratitude. Send a card. Send a thank you note. Call them

on the phone, let them hear your voice, right? Send something snail mail like surprise them. Appreciation and gratitude, man, goes a really long way. Say thank you. Say you're welcome. Notice the everyday little things and comment on it. Hey, I noticed that you brought the trash bins back in blah, blah, blah from the end of the driveway, right? Hey, thank you for feeding the kids. I always said I get up in the morning say to my sweetie, thanks for doing the dishes. Doing the dishes,

thanks for doing this right. Because I want him to know that I see what he does. And same thing for here, he'll say to me, thanks for going grocery shopping, thanks for doing this right. Because I don't ever want him to feel taken for granted, and I certainly don't like feeling that way either. So I'm this is just like, again, this is just my list. And look, I could put probably another 25 things on this list, but let's not, let's not do overkill. We only have so much time. Here's

another thing that's really important. If you want to build shit that lasts, we got to have some self awareness, man. We've got to have some emotional awareness, and we need to have some emotional intelligence, and we really need to have some empathy for one another. If you don't know what you're feeling, and you don't know how to express your feelings, and you have no idea if you are just like, shut off emotionally. This

is one of the biggest things that I hear. You know, women complain about with their male partners is that you know he doesn't even know how he feels. He's not in touch with his emotions. But here's the flip side of that, too, ladies, women, people, if you want somebody to have their feelings, and they're allowed to have all of their feelings so you can't,

then shame men for crying. I think this is such a fascinating thing about the difference between how women are raised, or girls are raised and boys are raised, or children are raised in our culture, where we do everything, like pink, blue, like we try to separate, I'm like humans, humans, humans, humans, which means feelings, feelings, which means it's not like women only got feelings and men Didn't emotions. The chemical cocktails in our brain exists in both our brains. I'm

not saying things might not be slightly different. Men are just as sensitive. Most men are just as sensitive and feel as deeply. They just either got it yelled out of them, beat out of them, shamed out of them, blamed out when they were kids. So women don't get weird around like, let your man be human. Let him have you know, have empathy for the full spectrum of the rainbow of human emotions, right? Like all parts of you are welcome here.

Okay, not that, not the abusive pots. We're not fans of that pot. But you know what I'm saying? Okay, have your own emotional awareness. Have some empathy from one another. Okay? Oh, my God. Individual growth, so important, so important. Please. Don't like get together in 1970 and then nobody. Read a book, for the love of Jesus Christ, read some books. Read some books. Read them together. Take some classes. Take a course. Expand your mind. Get a new hobby, like Grow. Grow.

Don't become a stagnant pool, like, where mosquitoes and all the bugs gather. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, like, expand. I'm doing this thing, like, from my hat, like my hat, like a big circle. Like, expand. Big circle. Expand yourself. Open your mind. Keep your mind open. Keep your heart open, keep your ears open. Right, which leads me to this right is open eyes open hot. Open mind open, which is we want to be really good listeners. Pay attention. Pay attention. Paying attention

is one of the greatest ways that we show love. I am interested in what you have to say, and it's there's a difference between really listening and really hearing. You know what I mean? Like, not just like, Oh, I hear the words coming out of your mouth, but I'm not paying attention, right? Put down on your damn phone. If you're sweetie or your partner or your kid or somebody that matters to you is trying to talk to you, take a moment. Flip that sucker down. Pay attention. Here's

another thing that I do sometimes, right? We're all. All in the habit of it. Somebody's in the other room. You can't see them. You just walk in and you're already talking, and you go in and you see they're doing something, right? So we all do it to each other. So my sweetie and I have often said, you know, to each other, just give me a minute, like, if I'm mid thought, or mid if I'm writing some I don't want to forget what

I was doing. And I'll just say to him, I mean, obviously, if it's an emergency, I'll put my phone down, but sometimes I'll just say, just give me one second, because I want to be able to give you my full attention. I don't want to half ass it. Now, look, we're not perfect. We don't always get it right. I'm deaf as a haddock. I can't hear him most of the time, right, so he speaks. His his tone of voice is just like, like, really, sometimes hard for my ears to catch. He and I have

talked about this, like, ad nauseam, right? He's like, I say patience of a saint when it comes to repeating himself around me. But it just shows like, like, really try to listen and be present, right? Like, pay attention. So, like, shut your mouth. That's why I was laughing. I was like, open ears, open heart, open mind, right? But shut your mouth once in a while, and really listen to your partner. This can be wicked

helpful in starting to help build things that last. Because, you know, women will often say he doesn't hear me, he doesn't get me. It's another way of saying he doesn't get me, doesn't understand me, right? And we want to be heard, all of us do? We want to be heard. We want to know that we matter again. That goes back to appreciation and gratitude, like let people know I see you, I get you, I understand you, I feel you, or even if I don't, because I haven't been in that exact

position. I wish I did. I wish I could, but I'm still here for you. You know what I'm saying? Okay, individual growth, yes, but shared goal, like, shared goals, you got to know you're on the same team. If one of you is like, no, I really want to save because I want to pay off the mortgage earlier, like, get this thing paid off, and the other one's like, Copacabana, let's go drink and booze and potty and travel and save nothing, right? It's like, that is not gonna work. You guys gotta have some

shared goals, yo. You know what I'm saying. And definitely some check ins. I already said this a connection. You want to do these check ins. But here's a little tip. Here's a little something I've learned over the years. Okay, everybody's different. My sweetie and I can sit down and talk ad nauseum with each other over the kitchen table about things, right? But not everybody can, so some people do better expressing what's going on inside of them by being in motion. For some people that's

taking a drive, for some people that's taking a walk, right? Get to know what works for your Patna, some people like to be in motion. It does something to the brain, right? It helps them to do. We already know that walking helps with creativity, creative

thinking, blah, blah. But you know, don't always insist that the important conversations, like I know so many parents who say to me, I talk to my kid when he's in the car with me, when he's trapped, like on the way to school, or like taking them clothes shop or whatever the thing they like, trap their kids in the car and try to force their kids to talk to I think

it's so funny. Oh my god, so But find out. Find out when you and your sweetie, you and your partner, you and your bestie, you and your family members, right, do their best connecting and talking and don't always assist like somebody might be like, Can we take a walk in the woods, or can we blah, blah, blah, whatever the thing is right, and see what works for them. And like I said, I could go on and on and on and on, but it was really just looking at these items, these things that I

had right, my fridge, my car, my vacuum. And I was like, Man, these suckers are built to last. And then I started to think, is there anything else in our life right now that's really built to last? I'm like, so much is like again, fast fashion, fast food, fast fast communication, fast everything. Everything is just like, move, move, move. I said, Yeah, you know what? Like relationships can be really built to last, if we're willing to pour into them, if we're willing to slow down and take a

look at these things, right? So ask yourself just kind of go through this. Have I been showing consistent effort in my relationship? Have I been commuting, communicating clearly with my clients, with my customers, with my sweet hat, with my best friend, whoever with my siblings, right, my parents or whatever your thing is, right? Is there a shared commitment here? Are we both still committed to making this relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is, work, right?

Are we committed to growing together? Side by side on the same team, right? Are we still putting an effort to stay connected, right? Are we willing to compromise? Do we know how to constructively have conflict, right, without like flinging like names at each other and being unkind and then doing the silent treatment, or somebody slamming the door and walking out. Do you know how many adults, I always think of it like this, adult children, because so many adults, we're

really just little kids in big bodies. So many adults have abandonment issues. So let me say this, if you are somebody who insists on being a door Slammer in a leva when you're fighting with somebody. Do you know what would like really be helpful is if you, first of all learned maybe a better way than that. But also, if you are going to leave like you just need to go outside and take a walk so you don't say something you're gonna regret. Tell your partner, I'm going to go outside. I just

need to get some fresh air. I need to clear my head. I need to take a walk. I don't want to say anything I'm going to regret or anything unkind, but I'll be back. I'm coming back. I want you to know I'm coming back to talk to you that can make a really big difference. Okay, and then ask yourself, about these suckers too. Do we have a shared trust here? Do I trust this person? Do they trust me? Have I been trustworthy? Hmm, have they been trustworthy, right? Is there mutual respect between us?

Does it flow both ways? Are we reliable with one one another. Are we responsible? Do we keep our word to each other? Do we do our best to not break promises, right? Do we spend time together? Is there a true connection? Is there verbal intimacy, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy? No, you're not always going to have but physical intimacy doesn't always have to be sex, right? It could be like, are we affectionate with one another? Do we show our love? Do we hug each other? Do

we say, I love you? Do we kiss each other goodbye on the cheek, the mouth, whatever the thing is, right? Is there appreciation and gratitude? Do you take the time to say thank you? You're welcome. I appreciate that. I saw you. I'm grateful for you every day, whatever emotional awareness and empathy, do you have emotional intelligence? Do you know what you're feeling? Do you understand what's going on inside of you? Do you know why you do what you do? Think, what you think, say, what you say,

believe, what you believe. You got to know yourself, right? You got to have some emotional awareness, individual growth, shared goals, check ins, and then hear the compromise. We cannot forget compromise. Are you willing to compromise? Maybe I already said that, and then here's another wicked, big one, forgiveness. Are you willing to forgive one another for the times when you are inevitably going to be clumsy, you are going to be clumsy, you are going to flub it up, you are

going to trespass you. We're going to step on toes. You're going to, like, interrupt them when there's, like, there's 1001 ways where we can be really annoying as human beings, and we're trying to, like, build a life with somebody, and we have to put up with each other's nuances and quirks and habits and patterns and bullshit. So forgiveness, we have to learn how to forgive ourselves and forgive one another. And I'm not telling people that you need to forgive like awful, big things.

That's not for me to say, but just the day to day stuff. Can we just fucking give each other a pass once in a while? Can we just let some things slide once in a while, right? And if something is really, really, really bothering you figure out what it is about. The thing, the behavior, the pattern, he leaves the toilet seat up. She leaves, she leaves her wet towel on the

floor, whatever, right? Whatever. The thing is, you know, figure out why it's really bothering you, and then communicate clearly, go back up to those C's and like, you know, because we want, we want these things to last. So I hope this has been helpful in some way. And again, I want to reiterate, not all relationships are going to last right? In A Course in Miracles, we talk about it like the three levels of teaching, there are some relationships that are going to be like, bing,

bang, boom. They last for 30 seconds. Literally, I see you in an elevator. We smile, we say, hi, burp. Opportunity for connection. Beautiful. It happened right next level up is like when we spend some time together. Maybe we went to grade school together. Maybe we were friends, like, you know, for like, three months at summer camp. Maybe we went to, like, whatever, right, some relationships people come in.

You date them for a year. It's over. But time served. Like there was a meaning, there's there was a reason why you guys met, and then you kind, I'm kind of doing this helix thing where I'm making my hands swim, like in this line where you're going to come in and then you're going to go back out and, like, that's it. And then the third level of teaching, and this is kind of what I'm talking about today, where we. Commit to a person we

commit to a relationship, and whether that's in a family. And look, sometimes you do need to leave your family of origin because it is dysfunctional as right? I'm not saying everybody should stay together forever. Not a fan. I think when it's supposed to be, when it works, when everybody is contributing and giving and trying to make it work, like that's a beautiful thing, but we shouldn't stay in situations that are damaging and dangerous and brutal. Okay,

nothing good is going to come out or violent. Nothing good is going to come out of that. And there's lots of ways to be violent. I'm going to have another podcast about that. But here's the thing, right, third level of teaching. These are the people that come into your life, and like, you spend some a good chunk of time together. And look, I've often jokingly said, right? Like, mentors are great. Like, the people that like, help you teach you, it's so nice. Mentors are great, but

tormentors will take you a long way too. And it's kind of like, and I don't mean tormenting you like they're physically harming you, but like, sometimes we just get on each other's nerves, right? Sometimes you just like bumping up against each other, and whether that's siblings or like, whatever. But here's the

thing, right? That's a third level of teaching, and if both parties are willing to commit, all relationships have the potential to be holy relationships, if both people are aware, and they're trying their best to love one another. And that is the final piece here, the love. This is how things get really saved it for last, right? This is how things really get built to last is their love present, and not just, Oh, I love you. Do the words and the actions? Are they

congruent? Because when there's deep love, right, people can usually right, usually make most things work. Not always you need the other things. You need the trust and the respect and all that stuff, but love is such a solid foundation. And I think I think of the three little pigs building their houses, but and right, like straw and hay and mud and like brick or whatever,

right? Is that? Right? Yeah. And then the other thing is, I think it's somewhere it might be in the Bible, I should probably find I'm pretty sure it is, but it's just, I didn't read it specifically in the Bible. But I just know this phrase of like, build your house on rock, and not sand, and fast, fast. Fast is how we build things, quick sand. You know what I'm saying? Just suck you right down. Kill you, you know, but you know what I'm saying metaphorically, build your house on rock, and the

first foundation, right, is love. So I hope this was helpful in some way. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you so much. I hope wherever you are, you're having a fantastic day, and anything you want to find out about working together, finding out shenanigans, what I'm up to, whatever. Just go to Karen Kenney, k e n, n, e y.com. I would love to have you like, come join the nest if you're interested in that. That's my monthly membership program, right? It's like group, group,

spiritual mentoring and coaching. It's such a blast that people are amazing. And there's also one to one spiritual mentoring in the quest. There's lots of ways to stay connected. You can just get on my email list. And if you found this, I haven't mentioned this in a while, but if you listen to the show regularly, you find it helpful. You find that it gets you to think, or at least, at the very least, you're

entertained. I have a tip, ja, where you can like, I don't know, a little love donation from the hot if that speaks to you and you just go to Karen kenney.com/tip, ja, one word, all right. Thank you so much. Have a fantastic rest of your day. And wherever you go, may you leave the people, the place, the animals, yourself, the environment, better than how you first find it wherever you go. May you and your presence and your energy and your love and your relationships be a

blessing. May you be out there trying to build things and relationships that last. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to the show. I really love spending some time together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could benefit from this episode, please share it with them and help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on over to Karen kenney.com/sign up and join my list, it'll be

wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye. You.