Episode 10: Unwrapping Strength - Dealing with Loss

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This week has been a week of reflection because it marks the anniversary of the passing of my mother , and so I wanted to talk about grief , because grief is a human experience , and many times , I believe that a lot of people sweep grief under the rug and , as a result , grief begins to show up in our lives in various ways , you know , like anger and

irritability or sadness , and so I wanted to share a little bit about just the kind of year I've had , because I have had more than four major life events within six months just this year alone , and it started on Good Friday , april the 7th , when I fell over my doggie gate and I broke my femur , which actually resulted in me having to get a complete left hip

replacement , and you know the recovery process . It was very challenging . It was physically challenging , mentally and emotionally challenging .

I had to deal with was is that our son I fell on April the 7th and our son's wedding was on April the 22nd and it was in another state , and so after you have a left hip replacement , you really can't even move your foot up off the floor , and so I really had to work hard to get myself physically ready to travel , first of all , and then to be at the

wedding . And God's faithfulness showed up because I was able to attend the wedding and I just had a cane and we were able to do our mother son dance .

Even though it was a joyous occasion , I really couldn't help but to feel just a little bit of a tinge of sadness because my mother wasn't there , right , she wasn't there to witness it , and so that was lingering in the back of my mind .

And so then , you know , after overcoming the obstacle of really in some ways of breaking my femur , getting a left hip replacement , making it to our son's wedding on May 24th , I had to actually resign from my dream job .

It was a really , really , really tough decision , but the work environment that I was in was a toxic work environment and , you know , sometimes we have to let go of what we thought was perfect in order to maintain our mental and our emotional health , because nothing can take the place of a piece of mind .

Okay , so I resigned from my dream job and then , as if all of that wasn't enough , my uncle's wife passed in July , and then my mother-in-law passed in August , and so this past week , which has been the week of my mother's passing , I have just been reflecting . Part of it is because I've experienced , been experiencing just some really heavy emotion .

I've cried , I've just had that weight of just kind of like not wanting to do anything , and it's as though all the weight of those losses has just converged on my soul .

I was thinking about the fact that , you know , grief can really be an isolating experience , and I wanted to talk about it on this episode because I wanted us to remember that we are not alone in our pain , and perhaps you're experiencing a type of grief .

Maybe it's a loss of a loved one , a job , a marriage , maybe a financial loss and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone .

You are not alone , and that's why I want to dedicate this episode to talking about grief , because it's an emotion that can feel overwhelming , it's often misunderstood and I sincerely believe that by sharing my experience , that by me even just sharing my experience with you , that it can help both of us , both me and you , to heal and to even navigate through the

storm of grief . You know Elizabeth Kuehler Ross . She outlined five stages of grief and I can tell you that I feel like I have experienced them all , especially just within the last six months . You know , the first stage is denial .

You know it's that shock feeling of disbelief where we just can't believe it and we're struggling to wrestle with the reality of the loss and really that's a defense mechanism that helps us to cope with it . And I feel like I am definitely probably still in that phase . As it relates to my mother-in-law , I'm just shocked .

You know it's that time where you get ready to make that phone call and you realize you can't make the phone call . Or I'm thinking about oh , I wonder what she's doing , how she's doing , and I realized that I can't do that .

Um , and so that shock just kind of still kind of keeps us in the state of disbelief and it keeps us in a state of denial , right , our minds are trying to wrap itself around the situation .

And then we have anger , which is just that frustration or that resentment , uh , which is really a normal reaction right To a feeling of helplessness and being out of control .

And I know I definitely have felt that , um , as a result of this job , you know , having to resign from my job , um , and then I know I've had that feeling just from the fall of breaking my femur and having to get a left hip replacement . And then there's bargaining .

You know it's just where you have the what , a could , a should is and , uh , maybe you're hoping somehow you could have changed an outcome . And then , after bargaining , there's depression . You can become sad , um , you know , maybe there's emptiness , despair , uh , it's just this response to a profound loss , right . And then there's also acceptance .

Acceptance happens when you just kind of come to terms with the reality and you understand that you just have to move forward . Maybe you're trying to accept a loss , right .

And so those are the five stages of grief which I think are so important , because when we start to experience , uh , grief , when we start , you know , realize I'm like gosh , I'm still in denial , or um experiencing anger or um , right now I'm bargaining we can kind of be aware of where we're at , right , and I think that that's so important to be um self-aware

. You know , one thing that is pretty hard to deny when it comes to grief is that our emotions , uh , they tend to come rushing in like a tidal wave . Right , they can be overwhelming and sometimes even unpredictable , you know , like a roller coaster ride that you know we never asked to be on and you know what . It's really okay .

It's completely natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions when we're grieving . In fact , denying or suppressing those emotions can often do more harm than good . It's important to acknowledge and give ourselves permission to feel what we're feeling .

When we try to deny or ignore our emotions , they actually have this sneaky way of resurfacing eventually , right , they sometimes can show up as physical symptoms , like a headache or a stomach ache , or they might manifest in more subtle ways like irritability or even I think we said digestive issues or forgetfulness or withdrawal , and then sometimes people even have

medical issues with that . People have like there's no cause for it . All of that could be a manifestation of grief . So , instead of pushing your emotions away , it's important to lean into them .

And you know , what I've discovered and I know that this is what many people have said is oh , but if I start crying , I'm never gonna stop , or if I scream I'm never gonna stop , or if I lean into it , then it's like it'll get such a hold of me that I won't be able to release it . But that is actually .

I just think that's , that's a lie of the enemy , because really the truth is that when we suppress it , when we deny it , when we don't address it , that's how it actually gets a hold of us . When we pretend it's not there , that's when its grip gets on us .

It's when we acknowledge it , we see it , we recognize it and we face it that we are better able to overcome it and to move through it and to heal through it . So , whatever the emotion is , it's okay to feel it , it's really okay to feel it , and when we embrace our feelings , it actually allows us to fully process our grief and to begin to heal .

One of the things I try to tell people is I'm like you know , it's really okay to like lay in the bed and if you want to like , maybe put a time on it and say like I'm gonna go to sleep , but I'm I'm going to stay in this bed .

Maybe you're gonna choose I'm gonna stay in the bed today and I'm gonna get up tomorrow , or maybe you're gonna stay in the bed for half a day . Hey , it's okay to do that . I listen , this week I've had ice cream and cake and cookies and I've probably eaten a lot . I'm a I love sweets , but I've probably eaten a lot more sweets than normal .

Retail therapy is good and crime is good .

There's a place here in Huntsville at least there used to be having a chance to look at it , but call the rage room where you can go and literally like throw things and I'm like , ooh , I might need to book a session , right , but it's important to get those emotions out and I want to recommend a book that I'm reading which has really also been stirring up a

lot of emotion . It's called the Garden Within by Dr Anita Phillips . Listen , you've got to get that book and it will . Really , it's really , really incredible . It's really incredible

. One of the things that I have been thinking about is Jeremiah 9 and 17 , as a backdrop of my own reflection , because Jeremiah 9 and 17 says this is what the Lord Almighty says consider , now , call for the wailing women to come , send for the most skillful of them .

And then in this verse it's actually saying the Lord is saying he's urging his people to call for the wailing women , or mourners who are skilled in expressing their grief and sorrow . I mean , they are skilled mourners . They are skilled not just in shedding tears , but they are skilled in encompassing a range of actions and attitudes for the sake of mourning .

And I thought you know that's what we need to become . We need to become skilled mourners . We need to stop sweeping our , our mourning and our grief under the rug . Right , and I thought , what about ? How can we be going to be skilled mourners ? And it starts with us being allowing ourselves to experience genuine emotions of sorrow and loss .

Right , it starts with acknowledging , expressing the pain in a sincere and heartfelt manner . That's how we become skilled mourners . And then what about showing empathy and understanding ? You know , those mourners that he was calling , the Lord was calling . They weren't just there to wail , but they were there also to show empathy and understanding .

They possessed the ability to empathize with others who were also grieving , to offer support and comfort in a listening ear . And then you know it's important also to incorporate , if we're going to be skillful in our mourning , to practice some rituals and some customs , right . We can perhaps get with some people in our community .

We can share our grief with one another . That's why I do think it's beautiful Some churches have grief groups , right . But being in places where we can actually share grief and also process our emotions in a healthy way , that's so important . And then we can also honor the memory of the people that we love , especially those of us who have lost loved ones .

We can create memorials , we can share stories or even do acts of kindness in their , in your loved ones' memory , in our loved ones' memory . My mother loved jelly beans and she loved orange slices , and there are just times where I go and kiss to remember her and it brings me so much joy , right . So think of things that you can do to also honor .

The process . Of grief isn't just experiencing the sadness . It also comes with being able to experience the joy . The other thing is seeking strength and guidance . If we're going to be skilled in mourning , we have to turn to our faith .

We need to read the scriptures , we need to pray , we need to meditate , we need to connect with God , because we can get through it without God . Okay , we cannot get through it without God . We can also support other people and offer words of encouragement .

We can lend a helping hand or maybe provide resources and information that could help others navigate the grieving process . Maybe you'll share this podcast with someone and , prayerfully , it'll be a help to them . Do a little retail therapy , maybe do a hot bath , manicure , pedicures you know what are the things that bring you joy .

You could even take some time and write a list of 20 things that bring you joy so that when that grief shows up and maybe you want to work through that emotion , but you also want to bring joy .

Yet what I love about Jeremiah 9 and 17 is that it actually , to me , it gives us permission to not just mourn , but it gives us permission to mourn in a demonstrative way . Mourning is biblical . It's biblical to mourn . It's biblical in the Bible , job . If you looked at Job 1 , job was mourning and he tore off his clothes . He tore off his clothes .

They did demonstrative things to show that they were mourning , and I believe that this is God's invitation to us , that it is okay . It is okay to mourn in a demonstrative way . It's okay to feel those feelings , to cry , even to scream , get your pillow , scream into a pillow . It's okay because I also think that the mourning process also honors our loved ones .

It honors them . I remember my mother passed away on a Sunday morning and I went to church . I went to church that morning and at the end of service , just crying , my aunt Helen , aunt Helen , she hugged me and she just said oh honey , just cry , just cry and honor your mother with your tears , honor your mom with your tears . And I remember that .

And so it's okay to honor your loved one with your tears . And so mourning is a deeply personal and unique experience . So remember that grief is a natural part of the human experience and in sharing , comforting one another , that we actually can find strength and hope . It helps us to stay connected , it helps us to lean in on our faith .

Second Corinthians 1 and 4 says we receive comfort from God so we can comfort others . So my prayer is that this podcast has been a comfort to you and just letting you know that you are not alone and giving you some practical ways that you can mourn skillfully . You can be a skillful mourner .

Thank you so much for joining me on this episode , and I just want to extend a heartfelt thanks to all of you , my incredible listeners , for joining me on this very vulnerable journey .

And whether you are currently dealing with grief or maybe you're supporting someone who is just , remember to be patient with yourself and be patient with others and reach out to a mental health professional . There are grief counselors . There are counselors that specialize in grief . Go it is okay to go to therapy . Book your appointment . It will change your life .

Thank you for listening to the Ignite Her Way podcast , where women are empowered to light up their lives and chase their dreams fearlessly . I hope that today's episode has provided you with valuable insights and inspiration . If this topic resonated with you and you feel compelled to dive deeper into your personal journey , I invite you to take the next step .

Visit wwwjoyslenluiscom to explore the possibility of booking a soul igniting coaching conversation . Keep igniting your soul , blazing your trail and spreading your light to the world . Be ignited Experience smokes .