Hello. Welcome back to the joy factor podcast. I'm your host, Julie Hansen. And this is the second episode and our four part series. Today, we'll focus on skills for distress tolerance. Every relationship, faces, moments of stress and conflict. Distress tolerance helps us navigate these challenging times without making things worse. The skills for distress tolerance include techniques such as self soothing, finding meaning in difficult situations and practicing radical acceptance.
Before we explore distress tolerance. Let's revisit wise mind. And why is mind? Is the calm, clear headed part of us that integrates our emotional and rational minds. It's always there. Just like the sun behind the clouds. It's always there ready to guide us toward making wise choices. The challenges that would we're in a stress response cycle. We lose sight of it.
And so this is something that we want to be practicing and I'll mention it again when we talk about emotion, regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. Because accessing wise mind helps us understand our emotions without being overwhelmed. And this is crucial for emotion regulation. We have to explore and understand our emotions. Finding wise mind, I think is a personal journey. You have to figure out what it means to you. You have to explore and.
Practice a little bit of self-awareness so that you can begin to use this tool. Once you start using it, once you start remembering that we all have it. You will be unstoppable in a good way. Right. So when faced with a stressful situation, And just try to pick a small stressor. And that might be having to stand in line. It might be having to be on hold. Think of something that is stressful, but not too big. And then that's where you want to be practicing.
You don't want to be trying to find wise mind when you are. On a scale of zero to 10, your anger is at a nine. All right. You want to be working with why is mine when you're at a one, a two. You know, a three or a four, like something lower. That is how you're going to find success. And so when you're in that stressful situation. Just take a moment to consciously step back. And observe your thoughts. Observe your emotions without judging them. You're just naming what's there. What am I thinking?
What are the emotions that are coming up? And allow yourself to find a balance perspective. So thinking about what are all of the options. It's valid that you have emotions in response to stress. But what do we do next so that we're not making it worse for ourselves? Getting in the habit of having a curious mindset. Is a very good way. Two. Meet your wise mind and let it guide you toward wise choices. All right, so on with distress tolerance for a moment.
Distress tolerance requires radical acceptance. And this is one of the key components. Sometimes we have to just accept. The reality of a situation. Without judging it without resisting it, it doesn't mean we agree with it. It doesn't mean we like it. But it's about acknowledging what is happening. Even if it's painful or difficult. And understanding that fighting reality. Only increases suffering. I'm going to say that again.
Radical acceptance means fully accepting the reality of a situation without judgment or resistance. Yes, it's painful. No, it's not fair. Maybe we didn't cause it. But we have to recognize. And understand that fighting reality only increases suffering. By practicing radical acceptance, we can reduce our emotional pain and respond more effectively to challenging situations. And what this gets us is a flexible nervous system.
And a flexible nervous system is what resilience is that we're able to navigate life. We're not crossing too far. In the center lane of the road or not in the ditch. You know, unable to get up. But we are back on the road and we recognize that this is part of life. Not easy to practice, but you have to start somewhere. And I recommend that you start with a little tiny practice every day I recommend that you pair radical acceptance with self-compassion. So that you are thinking about.
No matter what happens there's no reason to punish yourself. There's no reason to put yourself down or, or place the blame on yourself. Sometimes we just have to say it is what it is. I don't like it. I can't change it. I have to accept that it is what it is. If you're taking a DVT class, you're going to be learning other skills that go with this. If you are somebody that's thinking, boy, maybe I, maybe I do need to speak with a therapist.
Uh, a therapist can be a great resource to learn and practice these skills together. So can't really emphasize that enough, but in the meantime to practice distress tolerance in your relationship or your relationships? You start by identifying a stressful situation. Something that you anticipate is going to happen or that you're currently experiencing in the relationship. When the situation's happening. You want to plan to practice one self-soothing technique.
And in DVT, there are like 400 self-soothing techniques listed. Right. But some very basic ones that you can do on the spot taking a few deep breaths in and out through your nose. Doing a sensory grounding. So noticing what you can see, what you can taste, what you can touch, what you can smell, what you can hear. In your environment. Those two things are incredibly helpful. They must be practiced.
They're not going to automatically pop up, you know, just because you want them to, you have to practice. And that's why being prepared and doing some coping head is another skill, right? Like planning ahead how am I going to respond at dinner time when the kids are yelling, the dogs barking. What do I want to make sure I remember to do. I practice a self-soothing technique and I would encourage you to try deep breathing. This breathing in through the nose for a count of four. Holding for four.
Exhaling for four. And holding for four. Right. So just a nice, slow, deep round of breathing. Okay. The other skill is ABC, please. And ABC. Please is an acronym. The a stands for accumulate positive experiences. Be on the hunt for joy. The looking for little things, a B Landing in a flower, a bird singing in a tree. A good cup of coffee. somebody smiling at you, look for the little things. The B stands for build mastery. Key practicing, just recognize slow, steady progress.
The C stands for Copa hat. We talked about that one a little bit, but. Plan ahead. What am I going to do when I'm in this stressful situation? When I have to, look at my coworker. Or when I have to, make that phone call, whatever it is, how am I going to be taking care of myself so that I can. Manage my emotions, practice mindfulness and handle. Whatever the stressor is with skill. All right, so that's ABC. And then please. And this is an acronym too. It's not exactly.
Well, we here's what pleases. Treat physical illness. Go to the doctor. If you haven't been to the doctor, if you haven't been to the dentist. Do your best to get some medical care? Balance, you're eating. If you're eating a lot of sugar, eating out a lot, eating processed foods, Those types of habits are going to weaken you. They're going to make you less able to. I think and plan and put these tools into play. Same thing with mood altering substances.
If you are looking at your alcohol use or, other drugs, other prescription drugs. You really want to honestly, look at, is this hurting me or helping me? Balancing sleep. Do whatever you can to get more sleep, figure out with your healthcare provider. With your nutritionist. You know, whoever you're speaking to. You want to make sure that you're getting good rest? And of course get some exercise. Most phones, have a health app. Let's try to get your steps up.
Try to pay a little bit of attention if it's really low. And you've been sitting all day. Get up and take a walk. Do that every day. And you will see as you build that habit, that it's going to lead to other positives in your life. And this is kind of a lot of homework to practice, but. Finally C F and the next week or so you can practice radical acceptance. That doesn't mean agreeing with anything. It doesn't mean, giving up. It just means that you're acknowledging and accepting.
A difficult reality that might be going on in your relationship or your life. You're going to do that without judgment. It is what it is right now. I cannot change what's going on. I can hope things change tomorrow. But for today. I need to accept and acknowledge. As hard as this is, this is the reality right now. Thank you for joining me on this second episode of our series on using DBT skills for improving relationships. And the next episode, we're going to explore emotion regulation.
And how it can enhance your emotional wellbeing. And your sense of satisfaction in your relationships so don't forget to subscribe we would love to hear from you. You can email. Joy factor podcast@gmail.com. If you have show ideas or questions, And until next time I'm Julie Hansen wishing you joy in your relationships and beyond. Take care.