The Joe Rogan experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. Mazel tov. All I've been doing is sending Ari, my algorithm is flooded with Jewish stuff. I know. My algorithm is flooded with, like, Jew rules. It's just rules from like low-level influencers in the Hasidic community. It's crazy what you've like. I get so many of them every day. So I send them to him. What are the rules? Oh, it's all like, are you allowed when you're frying pan?
Are you allowed to use it for me? Say you go on vacation and your pot isn't kosher. What can you do on the Sabbath? Take it to the ocean. Throw it in the ocean. They're throwing the fucking pots in the ocean. You have to let go of it
They have a rule. You have to drop it in the water and let go of it. Are they following these rules? Oh, yeah, those people are. And it's also funny. You click on the link he sends you, and the first thing you hear is... Tell them to put the fires out with the weather. Get some rain over there.
Yeah, they don't really control the weather, obviously. Otherwise, hurricanes wouldn't hit Florida. Ah, good point. They barely get their pots kosher. No, they make them hit Florida so they get their wills. It's hilarious that some people are saying climate change. This is climate change. This is fucking arson. That wasn't a Jew. That wasn't a Jew. That wasn't a whiny liberal. This is climate change. No, it's arson you
idiots. I think it's Mr. Beast. He's setting up a new video. That's a strong accusation. Bold. No, no. Just kidding. But they've been trying to get rid of the homeless for a while. Bro, the homeless are doing it. Well, they're flammable. Everyone is. But they're more inclined to use fire to get their anger out. That's true. Schilberman actually caught people lighting things on fire. He filmed it. He put it up on his Instagram.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the middle of the firestorm, people were lighting things on fire to contribute to the fire. Wow. You've got losers. You have 100,000 losers that are just camping on your street. What do you think's going to happen?
What do you think is going to happen when the people with the houses are in jeopardy? What do you think is going to happen when these people that are living in $50 million houses and you're camping out a block away, which is exactly what's going on over there? And the looting.
And the looting. Well, they looted people's houses. When they found out that places were getting evacuated, swarms of organized gangs were showing up. This lady said 100 guys showed up in front of this house, and she thought they were helping our neighbor.
They just broke down the door and started stealing TVs, stealing everything. If the house burnt down, that's kind of a... If the house burnt down. But what if the house doesn't burn down? You just stole all their shit. It's like you can't do that. Of course you can't. I see their point if I was super poor yeah, if I was super poor and we were living in the fucking
hood, and then someone came along and said, they're evacuating these fucking communities anyway, man. Fuck it. Let's go get paid. Like, let's go get paid. Yeah, the house is going to burn down. They're going to get insurance. And if you live in a way and you get caught, they just let you go. Yeah. That's true. They just let you go. And then didn't Biden say he's given full coverage for this one?
How can that be? That's so much money. It's the same thing as, you know, forgiving college. He also said he could have beaten Trump. He said that, too. That's crazy. No, no, in the election. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, you said he could have beat him in a fight, too. That would be great. Imagine those two fighting. How much would you pay? It'd be just like the Jake Paul Tyson fight. I'd pay so. To be there, that'd pay so. I'd pay. Just as fake. It'd be so sad.
Yeah. Trump would get him, though. Trump would fall. Oh, 100%. Trump would tackle him. Oh, 100%. Trump would bite his face off. He would grab his thumbs, shove them into his eyes, and bite his face off. Yeah, Trump would be a nasty fucker.
Totally different kinds of humans. Yeah, that's true. Biden is used to, like, Secret Service around him his whole life. Trump is a psychopath. Yeah. He will throw those thumbs right in his fucking eyeballs like the mountain did to that gay guy in Game of Thrones.
Steven Seagal movie, too, where he did that? Was it? Probably. Who did it with the Jamaicans? Who was that? Steven Seagal. Steven Seagal. Yeah, he had a movie with the sword fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He eyeballed those guys. Did he eyeball the guy? Listen, man, if you watch the UFC, eyeball.
Even to the most badass fucking dudes in the world are devastating crazy like a nut shot is way easier to recover from than a Fucking hard. I poke. That's true. It is funny to see them all tough and they go. Oh yeah, we have my idea. Yeah, but it's just so crazy We still have this. You still allow fingers. My eyeballs. This is totally unnecessary.
This doesn't contribute to fighting. Have it fingers free. Tell that to Jon Jones. I've been saying that. So what, tape them all up? No, no. They need a glove that covers the fingers. It's real simple. And then you have thumbs still, but you're going to eliminate the amount. There it is.
Ari called it! Ari called it! That's what Trump would do to Biden. That was so fake. It looked so real like that. That was 1990. That stuck with you. That's crazy. What was he fighting? Predator? No, these were Jamaican drug dealers. You know, it's a good movie Alien Romulus the new alien I went on a little vacation and I watched it on the plane Oh, my God. You got to be careful. It's a solid movie, man.
Plane movies seem better than they are. It gets you. Every time I'm on a plane, I go, that movie was fucking incredible. Yeah. And I go home and show it to someone. I cried watching Home Alone on a plane. I cried every time. Your emotions go up. Yeah, you're about to die. And you're on an edible.
I watched Rudy once. I was like fist bumping. McCusker walked by me and I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy. And it was at the end when it was just aliens. One of the guys dies in it. And then it's just a bunch of aliens show up and like celebrate his life. Yeah. And I was sobbing and he walked by and it was just aliens. Do you guys, are you guys old enough? What's wrong with you? Are you guys old enough to remember when they would just show a movie on a plane?
Yes, one movie. Yeah. Ari, I know you're old enough. It's starting now. Ari hashtrays on there. Yeah, you would have to pay for headsets. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And if you were cheap, you'd just watch the movie we wouldn't have sound. You'd have to pay for their stupid... I'm old enough to remember that.
Disposable headsets. I don't even know if you're allowed to use your own. Didn't they have like a special jack? No one had their own. All you had was a Sony Walkman. Walkman had a little headphone jack. Special jack. It was a three-thing jack. Yes. That's right. They fucked you. And you try to put...
your thing in, and it would go... You can sort of hear it. That's right. Now I'm remembering that. We were more of a community back then. We all had to watch the same shit. Why do the headphones that give you suck? Not only do they suck, but you're only renting them. Well, no, I mean the ones now, they hand out shitty disposable ones, which I know that is why they suck, but they've got to be able to make them better.
Yeah. They're too loud. The planes are loud. So you don't have the noise cancellation. You're still getting like the. They break in and make an announcement that's at level 70. Oh my God. Here's the question. Here's the real question. this episode is brought to you by visible you know how most wireless plans feel like they're designed to confuse you with like hidden fees weird subcharges family plans you don't even want
Not with Visible. On the Visible plan, it's one line of unlimited 5G data for just $25 a month. Flat rate, no surprises, powered by Verizon's network so you know it's solid. And here's the kicker, they're all digital. You can manage your plan in the app or online, meaning no stores, no pushy salespeople, just you and your phone. And right now, Visible's got an insane deal. Use promo code ROGAN by January 31st, and you will get the Visible.
plan for just $20 a month for 25 months. That's $5 off every month for over two years. So go to visible.com slash Rogan and check it out. It's wireless made simple. Terms apply. See their website for the details. How bad is it to have little electronic things in your fucking ear? I do it all day, every day. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. I've done quite a bit. Yeah. How bad is it for you?
I mean, it can't be good. No, it's terrible. Well, fine. It's like smoking. Like people talk about, but it's one of those things where it's like hotly debated among even conspiracy theorists. Like some people say it's going to kill you and other people is going to say, where's the bodies?
No, but your hearing goes down, right? I don't think so. Well, your hearing definitely goes down if you hear loud things. But if you have it low, at a reasonable level, and you have it in your ear, the real question is, what's the electrical shit doing to your head? Oh. What's the EMF frequency do into your head? Yeah, who the hell knows? That's a good question. I'm going to let it ride on it.
I'm going to let it ride. I'm going to see what happens. I like headphones. Well, they've been saying this. They say that plug-in ones are better than the wireless. That makes sense. Plug-in ones are okay. I can't live without these. They're so good. They're the best. They're so good. Right in your pocket.
Yeah, but they've been saying cell phone gives you cancer of the balls for years, all that shit. Yeah. I talked to some dude who had ball cancer, and he told me that he got ball cancer on his right ball because that's where he kept his phone. No. And we're just looking at each other. Huh?
I'm not sure if that's real. Was that Lance Armstrong? No, it was a regular dude. Oh. A normal man. I would imagine Lance Armstrong. I mean, I'm not a doctor, obviously. But if you spend that much time with your nuts getting... smashed by your whole body while you're pumping your legs up and down, that's got to be irritating. And if your nut hurts and you're Lance Armstrong, you're going to keep pumping. You're going to keep pumping. Plus the roids or whatever. Who knows what that is.
More of, well, I bet it's a bunch of shit. I bet it's a bunch of shit. I bet it's the amount of time on a bike. That's got to be brutal for you. That's why I stay off those fucking things. Yeah, stay away. Smart shit. I was like, I'll do it twice. Again, I'm not a doctor, but for a regular person. For a regular person.
Let's find this out. Let's Google, is there a higher rate of testicular cancer among cyclists? It's like CTE of the sack. You're just constantly pressuring it. Yeah, you're getting hammered. Your balls are getting smashed Like, all day on a hard seat. It's not even a comfortable seat. No. Remember those seats we had when we were kids with, like, the back to it? Oh, yeah. Sit on a bike. On a bike. You remember that, Ari? Running a hula hoop down the street with a stick?
Okay. Does cycling increase risk for testicular or prostate cancer? Good. I'm not alone in my concern. Yeah. So it says professional cyclists. A number of studies have looked into the link. The findings to date are inconclusive. There's a question comes up often. Well, the thing is, it's like, how many of those dudes are like... How many are getting cancer compared to like regular people just give me the data? The amount of activity they're doing also like counteracts
Cancer stuff. Oh, right. Oh, right. Of course. Of course. That makes sense. Plenty of vitamin D. Maybe it does up until a point, like, like, tour de France. Like, I read an article where they were explaining, and a doctor actually told me that... He said, this is true. You're better off doing the Tour de France on steroids. Of course. It's actually healthier for you to do it on steroids. What? I said, how? And he said, because it's so hard.
Your body gets destroyed in a regular immune system, a regular endocrine system. It just can't keep up. Just can't keep up. You almost need blood doping. You almost need EPO. You almost need steroids. Damn. The problem is the guys on the street dressed as Lance Armstrong.
who think they're on the road. Oh, they're a real problem. It's a real problem. They take over the whole lane, and they're going five miles an hour. They're tight shorts. Yeah, the shorts, the pointy helmet. Shut up. Well, the thing is, when they get a group of them together, and they act like a gang, and they... take over the whole lane. Guys, go to the side. I'll be real patient. But I want to go to work. I have stuff to do. And I could kill you so easily. Distance cycling is the most...
Our highest rated endurance. Soccer's got to be up at 8. 8? Boxing's 8.6. Interesting. Depends on who you're boxing. Swimming? Wow. I don't know. How are they proving that? Because where's wrestling? Where's wrestling? If you don't think wrestling is in the top, you're out of your fucking mind. It's way down there. Fuck off. What is it? Endurance? Listen to me. Fuck off. Basketball is ahead of wrestling. Fuck off. They play longer. No chance. Shut your fucking dirt.
Dirty mouth. And American football should be up there. Yes. Too many breaks. There's a lot of breaks. It doesn't matter if there's a break. It's fucking grueling and it's three hours. Soccer for cardio fitness. You never stop. Never stop. You do stop. They walk around a lot. But no one's punching you in the body.
Water polo. That's right. Boxing is way harder than those. Way harder. Because you're getting endurance while you're getting pummeled. I see. And then wrestling, a guy is clenching up with you 100% of the time. Have you tried to? You just wrestle we wrestle sometimes It is so hard to do and Olympic wrestling like those guys are the fittest athletes on earth. They're animals those guys their strength and conditioning routine is fucking crazy.
When Daniel Cormier was telling me about this Russian dude that he could not beat, he's like, we're so lucky this guy never fought. He goes, because I forget the dude's name, like Ramzat, some crazy ass name. He said his strength and conditioning coach, he couldn't break him. He just kept giving him more sh**.
to do and he wanted more. And he was like, what the fuck, man? He goes, I was trying to break him. He goes, he used Daniel Cormier's routine. He just kept adding things. And this dude just wanted to keep doing more. He said he would have beaten all of us. He said we would have never been successful if this guy fought.
UFC. He needs a Junta to overthrow. See if you can find who that guy's name is. But he's an animal. Who's that new guy who beat O'Malley? That guy's pretty vicious. Oh, Marab Dwarvesh. He's fighting this weekend against the toughest guy he's ever faced. He's fighting Umar Nurmagomedov. Umar is Khabib's cousin, and he's a fucking savage. Yeah. But he's different than Khabib in that he's a striker. Like, he's got wicked wrestling and wicked submissions, but he started off as a kickboxer.
Kicks are nasty. I want to know who kicked Khabib off that plane. Wait, what? Isn't that crazy? I don't know what happened. What happened? Some lady came up to Khabib when he was on the flight because he was in the escape row. What flight? Whatever it is. He was on a... What airline was it? It wasn't Alaska. It wasn't Alaska. Okay. Frontier. Frontier. Frontier.
There's a video of it. It's crazy. He's telling her, you know, I can do this. I'm by the stick. Like, I understand English. I can speak English. And they kick him off the fucking plane. Because he couldn't do the exit row thing? Bro, it's crazy. Oh, the verbal response.
Why is he flying frontier? The lady comes to me with questions that are very rude from the very beginning. He's saving up his money, man. That's why he's not fighting anymore. He doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't care, man. That guy drives a Toyota. Even though I speak very decent English and can understand everything and agree to assist, she's still in... on removing me from my seat.
What was the base for that, racial, national, or other one? I'm not sure. But after two minutes of conversation, she called security, and I was de-planed from this aircraft. After 1.5 hours, I boarded another airline and left to my destination. I did my best to stay calm.
respectful, as you can see in the video, but those crew members could do better next time and just be nice with clients. Pretty calm. Very calm way to say it. He had to work so hard at the English on that tweet. Just to be like, I can't look dumb right now. I wish I was on that plane. Maybe she was just a Conor fan. Maybe she thinks Jon Jones is the GOAT. She's like, fuck off, I'm a Jon Jones fan.
That was the goat talk between those two. It's weird when these super mercenary killers just can't... win. He's like, I gotta just get off the plane. I can't beat you up. Some lady. Yeah, some lady has control over him. Meanwhile, he can beat up everybody on the planet. It's really crazy when you watch it. Remove from the whole plane. Yeah, you can play it if you want. Wouldn't you just switch suites to somebody? Damn.
She's saying they're not comfortable. What? He should have just started swinging. You know? Too bad she's not trans. Wow, I don't get it. This is crazy. I mean, didn't Mike Tyson hit a guy on a plane? Yeah, but that's a different situation. The Mike Tyson guy was a drunk guy that was fucking with Mike Tyson. She deserves it. At this point, he's like, yeah, call supervisor.
Well, not only that, he was calm and respectful. He obviously speaks English and he knew. Yeah, he said, I'll assist. I'll open the door. Fucking white ladies. People are crazy. I sit in that fucking row. They put fucking slobs in that row. Would you love to be on that flight? Go, ma'am, do you know who that is? Yeah. Do you know who that is?
Like, just let me tell you who that is. Let me Google him real quick. He's the eagle. Yeah, Jesus Christ. The only reason he's not killing you right now is because he's not in his own country. Yeah. Oh my God. Imagine if she did that in Dagestan.
They throw in a hole just for liberal ladies If you live in a place where war recent they don't they have no room for horse shit you know if you go to those chechnya type places like there's no room for horse shit no no room for horse shit they're going old school they kill gay guys they do
Yeah, they do wild shit. I think it's illegal there to be gay. Yeah, there's countries where it's illegal to be gay. They'll kill you. Paradise. What? Why are you gay? But you know it's crazy. Who says I am gay? Why are you gay? That guy's amazing. You are transgender. Legit had a question. Didn't understand it. That makes no sense. Who says I am gay? You are gay.
This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. When it came time to make a website, there was no question that we would power it with Squarespace. From the intuitive design intelligence that helps to create a bespoke digital identity to the seamless payment options that can help
give your customers more ways to pay or the fact that you can measure your end-to-end online performance with powerful website and seller analytics. The reasons to power your website with Squarespace are endless. So if you're looking to build or even up... your current website, check out squarespace.com for a free trial or go to squarespace.com slash Rogan to save 10% off your first website or domain purchase.
Of Khabib just at an airport should i call you mr julian on zima thank you for coming in thank you good morning why are you gay What? You are gay. Is that Karen Bass? You are transgender. You are transgender. And you are gay rights activist and unoutspoken lesbian? Homosexual? How can they describe you? Now we're looking at some raging debate. Some raging debate. Is this going to sound gamey?
That's actually an impressive activist. Should someone be gay? The lady? Yeah. I mean, she's in a country where people are like... What the fuck's wrong with you? She's like, we're just trying to get some rights. Yeah, she's not tweeting about it. She's going there. It just shows you. Uganda. You can complain all you want about America. You've got to be kidding me. She's going to be gone in a minute.
They're gonna throw her off a building. Yeah, literally. Yeah, there's parts of this world. What I was saying about places where, you know, you can't be gay, like heavily Muslim places. My friend Evan, the Black Rifle coffee guy, you just met him the other day, Evan Hafer, he was telling me a story on the podcast about how many guys over there fuck kids in Afghanistan. He said it's unbelievable. But it's not gay. We were just having this conversation. They fuck boys.
Boys and girls girls get married off when they're like nine years old 80 year old man. It's crazy. Well, that's in the ground You're looking at a part of the world that like don't never went through the enlightenment, you know you're looking at a part of the world that's been war torn and like sort of separate from they're like old school people this is like a window into the past oh yeah you can look at it in 2025 and it's a window to probably how the whole world
So it's not something that gets discussed until someone comes on a podcast and talks about it or you go over there overseas most guys don't know yeah my friends who've gone there and experienced it say it's it fucking truly Curdles your blood. They just all have their boys all all over the place and open open everywhere, so to them. They're like Leonardo There's videos of boys, like, dancing for old men. Like, sticking their ass out and twerking for old men. It's crazy. They film it.
Whoa, see? Diddy. We hold him to the fire. He's just Muslim. That's just normal up there. Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein. It's not even regular. Epistan. But it's not like regular Muslim. It's like there's something ancient about what that is. Oh, 100%. Islam's not it's middle-east middle-east. Yeah, it's just this part of the world is fucked It's not my dick Dave Chappelle is Muslim, right? Yes that that area. How do you how can you be Muslim and drink though?
It's a good question. Can you be a Jew and not throw your pan in the water? Yeah, you're just not the best Jew. You gossip? You're still Christian. Bro, the best was Borat song, Throw the Jew Down the Well. So my country can be free. And that bar would be like, bro. It's a catchy song. It is. It's an easy sing along. Bro, that guy was an animal. You must grab him by his horns.
One like years later he took a long time off of Borat let it kind of go away you know so a bunch of people don't know what it is and then he pulled it off again Yeah. He did a Bruno one. Bruno was the funniest fucking thing, dude. Is that right? Because that one bombed, I think. Yeah. Bruno was hilarious. It was so funny. I never saw that one. Go and get at wrestlers. Love it. I'll watch him play and cry.
Guy's so courageous. Yeah. The balls it takes to pull that off and make it that funny. Although Borat, too, he's kind of shitting on a lot of poor people, and it got weird. I don't know if you saw that one. Yeah, but you take your swings. Yeah, sure. Sometimes you connect. Sometimes you're shitting on poor people. Yeah, I guess so. It used to be okay to do that. Sam Kinison's best bit was the bit about...
starving kids in Africa. Oh, that's a great bit. Oh, my God, that's so funny. Fucking bit was so good. Go where there's food. It's nothing but sand. Hey, come here. That's sand. You know what's going to be 100 years from now? Fucking sand. We've got deserts in America, too. We just don't live in America. Asshole! Ow! Ow! Yeah, George Carlin saw that and was like, that guy's good.
yeah which gotta be a great feeling because he had that preacher thing you know he had that preacher thing that he brought to stand up and it makes you realize like god all these alt guys who get mad at people like putting out effort like you're being silly it's the whatever's the best way you can get that idea out and for kinnison imagine him doing his shit deadpan like shut up shut the fuck up it's part of his fuck
in primal anger. Seems like Hedberg being weird. It's like part of the delivery. Yes. Right. Same thing. And the heroin. They asked him, how come you don't make fun of women, you don't make fun of men? He goes, a man has never... Made me want to drive into a tree.
He died by a drunk driver? By a drunk driver? By a drunk driver. Isn't that crazy? Well, I always remember his bits. You know, when I was in high school, one of my friends killed somebody driving drunk. Really? Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't a good friend of mine, but as a kid, I went to high school with him. Ted Kennedy? I always say hi.
I know him. He's a nice guy. He fucked up. He got really drunk one night, and he crashed his car, and he killed his friend. And so Kennison used to have this joke where he would be like, he goes, we're going to drink, and we're going to drive, and we're going to pull it off. You know why cuz we do it every fucking guy But to me this was like that ended well this was Kinnison when he was doing like an impression of Kinnison
Kinison is a cautionary tale. Because Kinison was the best on earth for like three or four years. The best on earth. But the partying and the fame, and it all went away. If you're a stand-up comedy fan, I implore you. you. This is what you do. You go listen to Louder Than Hell. It's hard to find because it was so homophobic that Warner Brothers wouldn't sell it for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so homophobic.
But please, it's art. Watch that, listen to that, and then watch his HBO special. They're both fucking great. They're both greats. Two amazing hours. Then... watch Have You Seen Me Lately, then watch the one he did after that. They're so bad. They're so bad. He's like playing rock and roll music. He's got a bandana on. He's so fat now. He's so fat. He's like a ball.
He believed his own hype too. He really bought into it. He was selling that instead of being Sam Kinison. Right. So it's like he got to the dance and then he was selling I'm Sam Kinison instead of the fucking insight. Yes. And the comedy. It was just. too much partying, too much blow, too much food and drink. He had girls on leashes in the beginning. It was silly. It just became so dumb. Makes you think, does the Middle East love 80s comedy? It's just Eddie Murphy like...
Yeah, it's like those that here's the thing about Kenison though, this is what people have to kind of understand Until Kinnison and Dice come along, no one is selling out arenas. This is a new thing. But did Kinnison do arenas? He did pretty big places because I saw him at Great Woods. Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts. Find out what the capacity for that is.
Never heard of Great Woods. I used to work there. As a security guard. Yeah, I was a security guard there. Ralphie opened for him once. He won a contest when he was a kid. Wow. When he was just starting, he was 17, won a contest for Sam Kennison. Hold on. That's a fact. Would it be, hold on, hold on, hold on. Would it be better to just not even look it up? 19,000. Okay, so he played at 19,000. Oh, yeah, that's an arena.
No, no, that's the X Infinity Center. That's different. Oh. It says it expanded. Oh, okay, so it used to be 12,000. So that's where I saw him. So I saw him in a 12,000-seater. That's crazy. But when I saw him, it was when he was already declining.
it was the or the material was just not i didn't engage with it at all like the first thing i thought was genius i saw the hbo thing i was like this is the greatest thing i've ever seen in my life and then when i saw them live i was like oh this is like this is missing stuff it's like missing a it's not funny it's missing it's like a lot of hype but like he was just partying man yeah and you know he just became bigger than life and then probably didn't have any friends ralphie mary
shares a story of sam kennison jump-starting his career there you go wow that's crazy so it is true yeah he said he came in and they were like they were like all like like darted off like they were doing blow and they're like hey you're that kid okay i'll meet you in a second Like, close the door. We're doing things. I'm just thinking about the numbers. Like, how can Ralphie Mae... What year was Ralphie Mae 17? You know, because I was 21 in 88.
And so how much when did Ralphie open up for Sam it has to be around then because Sam was dead Yeah, Sam was dead and was he dead Jamie 90 something 91 or 90 I was in New York, so it had to be 92 92. Bam. That's about right. So he has to be opening up for him somewhere in the 90s. I didn't know that Ralphie had done comedy that long. Yeah, he's a good comic. Yeah, yeah, that was that's way crushed. Oh, yeah stool
Such a friendly dude, too. Such a sweetheart. Also, he was so fat that he could do the N-word. You got it worse than me. It's like Big Pun. I'm going to take that name. Big Pun. I think in New York, Puerto Ricans get a... They do. Oh, yeah. I think Big Pun for real paid the way. Yeah. Wikipedia says he won a contest open for San Francisco. Oh, wow. How could I be right? Damn, he was only 45 when he died. That's uncomfortable. Ralphie was only 45 when he died.
Playoffs. We're talking about playoffs? You bet we are. Get in on the action with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Scoring touchdowns is key to winning the playoffs, and you can score big. by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet touchdowns. Ready to place your bet? Try betting on something simple, like a player to score six. Go to DraftKings Sportsbook app and make your pick. New DraftKings customers can bet.
$5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the code ROGAN. That's code ROGAN for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just $5. Only on DraftKings Sportsbook. The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8HOPENY or text HOPENY 467369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org.
Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co. Audio. Damn. I know this is off topic. Google how much Big Pun weighed when he died. Oh, no. You're never going to guess how fucking big he was. How much? Did he bust through it? It was hilarious. Tell me.
No, just guess. I'm not a good guesser. 420. Yeah, I guess you've... Hey, wait, can you show a picture of Big Pun? Yeah, that's better. I could give you a roundabout from a picture. Can you get Fat Joe and Big Pun together on the red carpet? It's one of the funniest pictures you've ever seen.
That Joe lost weight finally, huh? It's like, how are these guys cool? Yeah, he lost a lot of weight. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Damn, big and tall store. Killed it. Okay, his knees have to be screaming in agony. Which Spider-Man villain does it look like? Oh, yeah. Kingpin. Kingpin. Yeah. Wow. Damn. He's got the Doc Ock glasses. Also, when you're that heavy, do you really want that much weight around your neck? That's nothing at that point. It's like riding Free Willy at that point.
Okay. Wow. So much fabric. How much do you think he weighs? Five? The one on the left? I'd say 580. 600. 600 minimum. Big ton. Check it out. 698. Wow. Whoa. That looks like a 600 for me. Yeah. He put one foot on two different scales and they both went over the total. Yeah. Bro, that's so dangerous. And he was like the best. Was he? You ever watch him? No.
Big Pun? Old Big Pun is like... Oh, his raps are phenomenal. He was like the best rapper. Really? Phenomenal. Yeah. He's phenomenal. That's actually in a Vinnie Paz song. He says Big Pun was the best. Yeah. Yeah. The Italian boxer? No, Vinnie Paz, the rapper. That's the answer. Oh. You know Vidi Paz the rapper from Jedi Mind Tricks? Just play it for a second, dude. It's so good. Is he still alive?
Maybe not live. No, bro, he's fucking phenomenal. Rap live kind of blows. Got a little help. It doesn't. It's just a different thing. Yeah, he's a little out of breath, but it's really good. I'd be out of breath. You ever try to sing that song? Jamie, pull up cheese steaks from Vinnie Paz. You guys never heard of Vinnie Paz? He's from Philly. Damn. Do you know him?
Yeah, I know of him. Bro, give me the video for cheese sticks. I thought he was a boxer. There was a video. There was a boxer from Rhode Island. Yes. But this is a friend of mine. That's why he likes Big Punk. This guy's good. This one song will turn you into a Vinnie Paz fan. Look how beautiful Philadelphia is. It had a moment. Wait, can you go back a second? This is all pre-pandemic. This is where I called that guy a fag, and he said I was a piece of shit, right?
Right there. That was the light. I was racing to that light because helium's right here. I was racing to that light, and I saw that guy the whole length of that bridge. Is that the train station? Ride his bike down. That's the 30th Street station. That's 30th, yeah. This is before Trank. Bye. Bye. Bye. Looks like Patton Oswalt. He does! Patton Oswalt's very violent cousin. Good dude, though. He's really good. That guy's got some bangers, man. He's got some bangers.
Yeah. There's a few rappers out there that don't get the respect they deserve. That dude has some bangers. He's got some great fucking songs. Oh, yeah. Is he Puerto Rican? No, he's Italian. Oh, he's Italian. Damn. I think almost, Tyler. South Philly. You might have some other stuff in it, too. That's got South Philly written all over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Philadelphia. Here we go.
Giant boxing historian, too. Controlled opposition. He is comedian Patton Oswalt. That's hilarious. He really does. He's like his Tyler Durden. Well, if you were a... fat suit. Vinny would have to wear a fat suit. There you go. Which is crazy. Nailed it. Yeah, a lot of comedians become rappers. That's always a bummer. Tom McCaffrey. Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa's rapping. He's got a band band. Sagal is a rapper. Sagal is actually kind of good. Sagal is kind of good.
out there it's all words it's lyrics you know it's jokes that's so funny Lil Wayne has some lyrics where you're like, that is super funny. Oh, yeah. Danny Brown. Danny Brown's stuff is fun. Danny Brown's hilarious. There you go. Definitely. Put you out like Hannibal Buress. The Drake Kendrick beef had some very funny. Yes. Drake said to Kendrick. He's like, when you put your hands on your woman, is it self-defense because she's bigger than you?
This is very funny. He made fun of being tiny the whole time. Then Kendrick called him a pedophile and kind of won. What are you doing, man? You're having a good time, man. A minor. Take it easy. Slow down, boys. Jesus. Drake won. That escalated. I don't know. I stand by it. The best was the, whatever, the original, like, diss rap from, what's his name, that Kanye put him onto. He's like, you have a child you do not take care of. Oh.
Fucking what's his name? Pusha T. Out the Snakes. Pusha T. God damn, that went hard. Not the best song. Yeah. I don't know it. None of these diss tracks you can really dance to. You could with... Well, yeah, you can't. That's why Kendrick's was so good. He made it like a pop dance song. The number one was Nas and Jay-Z. Which song? Jay-Z is fucked up.
He got the greatest lyricist of all time angry at him. Oh, boy. And he wrote a song where he cooked Jay-Z for like five minutes. Really? He cooks him. It's like, and sometimes he's not even rapping. He's just talking. He's like, you're an ugly fuck. Yeah.
It's so good. He is ugly. That's how it starts. Fuck JZ. Alright, alright, read the lyrics. Why are we playing a bit of it? Fuck it, let's play a bit of it. The beginning's hilarious. Are we going to lose the rights to YouTube? Yeah, we'll probably have to. What's up, guys? Hey, yo. I know you ain't talking. Ether. Give me those. He went a hardcore Christian. It starts off with gunshots. What's up, niggas? I know you ain't talking about me, dog. Uh-oh.
I'm JZ. Fuck with your soul like ether. Teach you the king you know you. God son across the belly. Lose. I prove you lost already. Brace yourself for the main event. Y'all impatiently waiting. It's like an AIDS test. What's the results? Not positive. Who's the best? We'll be right back. I can't keep up with these blacks. I can't. It's so quick. I'm trying to hear it, but it's... I listen to a rap song like ten times. Me too. I'm an old honky.
I got to see it written. Yeah? I can't follow along. I'd like to see it written. A lot of lyrics. I'm just like, I got to see it on paper. It's actually what I want to start doing. I was watching. You got to see it on paper? Yeah. I agree. You're missing half the thing if you see it on paper. You miss one line, then you miss another one.
White you ever watch like black guys hear white music for that shit. I might do that with you guys Let's just let you listen to rap and you guys both go what? Have you ever seen the YouTube channel? You ever seen the YouTube channel tribal people?
Uh-oh. Easy. Borderline. There's a YouTube channel about tribal people try, and they try Kentucky Fried Chicken for the first time. Unbelievable. They try all these different foods. Sprite. They get Sprite. They're like... And then I heard it got demonetized. It's too racist.
I think they felt like they were taking advantage of those guys. Well, we're helping them. We showed them Sprite. I don't think these guys even know what the fuck YouTube is. These guys are legit tribal people. He's got some sort of a connect with them. He gives them a bag of rice, and then he's making millions of dollars.
I don't know if that's what's happening, but I would wonder. I would hope they have some sort of a deal with those fellas. But either way, it's an entertaining channel. It's fun watching people that have never experienced American... culture try a ding dong? You ever see fat black chicks try Jewish food? No. What? They try like matzo like oh not bad good cracker. You guys want to hear my impression of Frank Sinatra giving tribal people rice? Sure. That's rice.
I like it. Oh, my God. It's so corny. It's not bad. Matt Rive. Oh, my God. Matt Rive. He's the Asian version. But you, like, set it up and everything. It was beautiful. Yeah. You created the environment for a Norman? I wanted to hear it. I was on board. You created an environment for it. You didn't just do a Norman. A Norman's like a response. You made Rome, and then you made your own Norman. Have you seen Matt Rice?
Asian comic doing arenas. He's doing only cloud work. I heard he got his jaw done. Thank you. Matt Rice. Where are you from? Oh no! You get out of Neverhood! You must buy something! I bet you want to suck my dick! You want water? I'll get out. Woo! All right, this is living. Boy, you're about to get an influx in Texas with the fires. It's about to get a triple the size over here. Listen, I bet we can get more comics.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Somebody lost their home. I'm looking at new spaces. I'm looking at new things. Well, Whitney's about to have no home. She was thinking about Texas anyway. She was thinking about Texas anyway, but it was very close to her house. Her posts are getting a little unhinged. She's got to get over here. First of all, she's already unhinged, and then she's in the middle of a war zone. You've got illegals lighting fires that are...
$150 billion worth of damage. If someone dropped a bomb on the Palisades, it wouldn't have done as much damage. True. Except it would have killed more people. But if they evacuated the area because they knew a bomb was going to hit and the bomb did that, that's just like a bomb. And if there's human beings that lit those fires and caused that to happen, which it seems there are.
It was literally like they had a bomb. It's just we don't think about it that way because it's not an actual bomb. Yeah, it's lower. Free Palisades. Free Palisades. It's not even out. That was great. It's not even a little out. Is it going strong still? Going strong. Oh, it's still going, baby. They said the winds are going to get to 70 miles an hour tonight.
It's weird seeing rich people get fucked because they always get away with it because they can have a private jet or private security. You can't have a private fire department. Well, they actually can. You can. I didn't know that. Kanye had one that set up at his house in Calabasas.
Yeah, because when I got evacuated in 2018, I know that people in Hidden Hills, which was down the road from me, not too far from where I was living, people in Hidden Hills were the really rich folks, the celebrities had. private fire departments. So you hire someone to come and protect your home exclusively. Just die there. Go down with the ship. Crazy. Pay homeless guys. Put the tire out. Can't leave. You've got nothing to lose. My friend Bud has never evacuated.
He lives in Bell Canyon. I evacuated three times. He does not evacuate. He stays at his house with a fucking garden hose. And he fights it to the bitter end. That's the one thing I would...
I can see staying for a hurricane and being like, we're going to sit here and drink. Saved his house. Really? Saved his house. With a garden hose. Yep. Holy shit. He got a bunch of hoses and he fucking saved his house. He kept the fire from getting... The fire destroyed the entire... like he lives on the edge of a canyon the entire canyon was gone
And he saved his house. Didn't you drive home once where the fire was on one side of the highway and not on the other? One side of the highway for an hour. You could feel it? You could see it. It was coming down like snow. Like the ashes were dropping like snow. And I saw a dead guy. Saw a guy who was trying to run across the road. get hit by a car oh yeah i always saw like his leg my friend saw him get hit oh yeah
Yikes, I saw him as I was passing. I saw like his leg. It's one of those weird memories Where it's like can I just see that like what did I just say? Yeah, like it took me a while to like Your mind's like, don't let that in. What did I see? I saw a guy get his head smushed. Really? He was a tow truck driver. He got out.
on the to change it and a truck hit him and i was like the first car to drive past and there was just a guy without a fucking head whoa we saw a guy at the hyatt the old the on does the front pat like we saw it just like you look and he was like there in the air Oh my god. No way. Is there a bounce? Off the Honda's roof? One of the balconies. These have balconies facing sunset. What is that, Brody?
Cut that. Oh, you son of a bitch. That was where the guy during the strike committed suicide. That's right. That's right. That's right. That is a crazy story the story of the strike when you realize that at one point time they were getting no money
No money for comedy. No money. Leno saved it. And then they're like, finally, we get $15. Did Leno save it? Yeah, he pretended to get hit by a car. And they were like, all right, what are we doing? A guy died. Leno got hit by a car. Let's pay these fuckers. For real? Yeah. I didn't hear that. Pull it up. That's crazy. We talked about it last time. What's that?
Comical injury. He said he got hit by a car. He's beaten like Rihanna. He keeps getting half black. He's fucked up. Eye patch. Yeah, he fell down a hill. He's getting burned alive. He got lit on fire. Something's up. He looks unhealthy. He's like a woman in the middle. The thing about injuries like that when you get that old, they take years off your life. Bro, if you fall down a fucking hill, that's a tough fall. Maybe he's dating Nancy Pelosi's attacker.
And he doesn't even drink. He doesn't drink. So he's just getting beat up all day long. He also doesn't do squats. I guess so. His ankles have the resiliency of a popsicle stick. You know you take a wrong step and that shit's gonna snap off and you're gonna go for a tumble For a walk is it older you gotta work out
You really do. You might hate it. Yeah, you hate it. Who cares? Just fucking do it so you don't die. Do it so you don't fall in the tub. Yeah. You know? Like, for real. You've got to be able to stop yourself from falling. Oh, yeah.
Like the deceleration. You have to have the ability to do that. I haven't fallen in a fucking tub in a while. I feel like I... Because I haven't stayed in a shitty hotel. With a tub? When you have to stay in those shitty... They're like slick. They are slick. Yeah, they're slick. They're angled. The UFC canceled a fight once because the dude was...
Cutting weight in the bathtub and he blacked out and banged his head. Whoa. So it finally brought the agreement. Jay Leno getting hit by a car. By Biffman. Did he pretend? Yeah. Okay. He faked it. Sort of, sort of, sort of. The two jumped out of the way, but there was a loud thump, and Leno crumpled to the pavement. Mannard freaked out, running inside the club to confess his sin. Leno, for his part, moaning on the ground. Dreesen kneeled next to him, afraid his pals badly.
You heard, Jay, can you hear me? Jay Leno opened his eyes and winked. So he did do that. Hey, guys. I got hit by a car. Leverage. That guy jumped off the Hyatt. But isn't that crazy? To try to hit the store.
A half second out. I heard that guy sucked. Yeah, for sure. But that's the problem. Wait, what happened? When a guy committed suicide and he sucked. He crossed the picket line. He's a comic. Like, come on. He goes, I'll perform. You can't have comics like perform. I'll perform for you. You'll be loyal after I'm done. And Mitzi was like. Thanks for your service, but we have good lineups now. So he jumps off the Hyatt in the air and goes, oh, I'm never going to hit the store.
Didn't even make it to the belt. He tried to kill himself on this try to hit the store That's a guy like thinks he could fight Or do comedy. I can jump 48 feet. Or do comedy, right? It's the same mindset, right? We all know those guys who bomb. They get off and they're like, hey, good crowd. And you're like, you should be killing yourself. What are you talking about? Yeah, there's a lot of weirdos like that, man. Psychologically ill people.
So the guy didn't get booked, so he tried to jump off a building onto the... But the thing is, the guy was terrible. Severe depression. Well, yeah, even if he was good, that's no reason to kill yourself. No, it's not. But it's like this whole idea, like, oh, he killed himself for the strike. No. No, he was just nuts. He was just a crazy, he had depression. Just a nutty dude who wasn't good.
there's a you're blaming it on that thing how many guys when you started were just like on tilt just a little but they would do real good sometimes you're like maybe right maybe he's gonna make it and you're all kind of in the same boat having sort of similar sets
But there's a few of those guys like, maybe. That's almost worse because it keeps them in long enough because they have a kill every now and then. They did well last month. Yeah. You know what's real weird? When you get an email from one of them fellers. Oh, boy. And they want to open for you. I get those. And you're like, yeah.
Hey, you ain't done comedy for a decade. They make it so uncomfortable. A decade. You're like, all right, I'm already bringing in like an opener. And like, what about an MC? I'm like, oh, shit. And you got to scramble to find an MC to come. And they go, fine, I'll just. do a guest set. You're like, fuck! I hate a guest set. I'll just do a guest set. And bring a camera crew. There's no way. And bring friends into the green room and hang out all night. Fun time.
The invasion of your privacy just because you're being kind. That's the worst. No guesses. You're a grown-up. It's just some of them are like such pressure. They push. Such emotional pressure. Like we are still friendly. Right. They prey on that. That's why you have to have a level of separation, like an Adam Egot in your life.
Oh, that helps. I love to see Joe Rogan go, Adam won't let me have you on my show. I'm sorry. Adam makes the rules. But it's Joe Rogan, friends. The only way it works is Adam, you know, that's what he wanted to get the job. He's fucking miserable. What kind of prayer do I have to make over the sink? He has been happy since he stopped eating donuts.
Fathom was fine. Fathom was the best Fathom. No. He was dying. He was, like, dying at one point in time. He was bleeding. Fathom eager. He's bleeding for some reason. Talk to him about, yeah. What? Listen, he needed clean his diet. Oh, I'm joking. It's called a period. Yeah, he was having a period.
There you go. He's becoming a woman. I think he had a butt period a lot. Yeah, a butt period. Is that a hemorrhoid? No, I think he was having, like, internal butt periods. Oh, really? Yeah. It wasn't good.
He's better now. He's better, yeah. You know, he's a worry wart. He's a worry guy. You know, he worries about shit. Oh, I don't know. And he's passing it on to his dog. You ever meet his dog shaking? That's what happens. Yeah. We take a drive to the woods just to go and drive. He's like slobbering. I can't take this hell. As soon as he's out, he's like, oh, nice woods. It's the meanest thing I do, but I'm always like, dude, your dog sucks.
If a dog's never driven and then you drive it like you have to drive them when they're little Yeah, you did couldn't take it was it when he got it Puffy. No, remember he would bring it, he brought it to the Vulcan and shit, and it would come into the room and hide under the table. That's when it started. I was like, stop bringing this fucking dog around. It's a rescue dog. Is it a rescue dog? What kind of dog? Pug? It's like a...
Dalmatian? It's like a Dalmatian. Cute little dog. It's named Dice. It's a good dog. It is a good dog. I feel bad making fun of a guy's dog. His dog's named Dice? Yeah. That's cute. And it's a Dalmatian, so it looks like a Dice. Oh, I didn't even catch it.
Try that with me, too. Your dog sucks. I'm like, that's retarded. I do like your dog. That's retarded. My dog is one of the best. There's no part of it that's like... You've got a great dog. Say your dog's awesome. It's very funny, though. Your dog's a sweetheart. It kills people. That's nice.
And you can't say it about a kid, but you can say it about their dog. You can get away with it. Your kid sucks. They go, yeah, whatever. You can say it to a kid. You can say it to some guys. Some guys have just had enough of them. their sons like enough he's 26 years old get out of my fucking house you can tell that guy's kid sucks yeah that's true like your kid sucks he goes right
What have you noticed? That's the weird thing about today. There's a lot of 26-year-old dudes living with their parents. You got that right. When did you guys leave? 25? 28? 23? I was 20. 18. Out of the house. Not talking about college. Gone. Yeah, 20, I was out of the house. And they wanted me out of the house when I was 18. I went back after college for a year. Oh, no. That's hard. No, it was a good year.
Really? Yeah, it was nice. Just drinking with Phil every day? No, I was just reading and jacking off in the basement. It was great. In the quiet room. My parents were like, you've got to get some kind of a real job. And you didn't. No. You figured out a way to disobey them. But back then, I get it. I know.
I was fighting. That's all I was doing. So I was fighting right out of high school. So, like, I just didn't want to go. He's a fucking bartender. That's crazy. He's Tom Cruise. Well played. I'm a cocktail. So I understand why they wanted me out of the house. Like, you're living an unrealistic life. That was great. That was really good, actually. That was low-key great. Is that, like, the least impressive skill of all time? Like, someone does a drink by spitting?
bottles in the air and also whoever wants it if you see them doing like just make the drink i just want to drink Yeah, I don't need a witty bartender. Right. I mean, if you're really that funny, you should go do stand-up. Rude bartenders. Oh, that's the worst. What do you want? Yeah, we don't have that. And then they walk away. What the fuck was that? Yeah. Especially if you're a good tipper. You're like, come on, man. Don't make me not tip you.
I want to tip you well. I want you to have a good experience here. I don't want this to be bad for you. I'll stand off as bartender. A buck for a beer, though. Sassy fat whitewater. Can we get rid of that? Open a beer cap. A buck? A buck is a max. A buck is too much. I know, but if he's whipping me up a Mai Tai... You can't think... Look how happy he is with himself. Shut up, bro. You can't think that anything you're doing... In a bar is like paying for things
in a store. Yes. You can't think of it that way. You're paying for this experience of being in public and this dude, this is his job. It's not supposed to be reasonably priced. I'm okay with $1. When it starts to be like a $12 beer and it's like, no, you don't get $2 for this.
I leave $100. Really? What? Yeah, I get a beer, I leave $100. Come on. Yeah, I'm not kidding. I don't care. Damn. Are you going to notice it or is he going to notice it? Are you going to notice if you have $100? You're not going to notice. $100 from anyone in this room, it doesn't exist. $100 to a dude. That's crazy. $100 you don't know exists. You might know $1,000 exists. You might know $10,000 exists. But if you look at your bank account, it's $100.
this way or a hundred that way, it makes zero difference. Yeah, that's for one time. We're in bars every night. How often are you doing? Good point. Spend a little money. Yeah, we'd spend eight grand by the end of the night. Buying the drinks. Yeah, good. Perfect. Did you guys get after it last night?
A little bit. I did. Me and DeRosa and Matt Edgar went out. You had your show at the Mothership last night. Yeah, 5 o'clock show. Killer. A good friend of mine. Oh, you know Lucas, the guy who made our suits. He went to your show last night. Oh, I love that guy. David August. He's a beast. Yeah, he's the best. He's the best. Man. Love that guy. Straight suitor.
Should suit or sorry to deflect? Sorry. That needs to back up and play again. You're a talker, are you? Step on everything like a bad drug dealer. The suit was good. Mine was a little small. And I said, that's tight. Hey, was Vegas better when the mob was running it?
Yeah, right? Oh, everything was. New York was. Yeah. We got ladies on fire in the train. Yeah, it seems like New York was a little better when the mob was running it than when the Democrats are. I'm just saying, like, the mob would have done something about the fire. in the train. There was a street in the East Village where, was it the Hells Angels that had their headquarters? Yes, they did. Like 8th or 10th. On 6th Street. Yeah, the safest block in the country. Oh, yeah.
You couldn't do shit. No. Well, that was always the thing about if you lived on Staten Island. That's where all the cops live. Yeah. Or if you lived where, you know, fucking when... What's-His-Face was alive. John Gotti was alive. Like, his neighborhood was super safe. Of course. Nobody's breaking into anything over there. No, and you get a turkey on Thanksgiving. Throwing those butterballs out.
Yeah, but at what cost? I like the turkey thing. They all do the turkey thing and act like they're innocent now. That's a good move. That's a nice move. They go, look, I gave the whole neighborhood turkeys. Yeah. They go, oh, all right. Well, then, yeah, the murders. Yeah, we'll forget about them. How many turkeys?
So let's see you live in a neighborhood of 100,000 people and you give out free turkeys. How many turkeys do you think you're really giving out? Probably. It's a photo op. So probably like 50. Families, five. How many turkeys do you have to buy? Mmm, I think because if you run out people gonna get mad they're gonna talk shit Where's my fucking turkey you dago bastard
You son of a bitch! It's all peshy. Where's my fucking turkey? The people relying on those? Crime's been up this year, but I'll tell you what. Might get a free fucking turkey out of this whole thing. We're going to eat good here at Thanksgiving. The Protection Racket.
Yeah, that's how they get you. We'll help protect you. We'll protect you. That's what the United States government's doing. So the entire citizens of the United States. Yeah, homeowner tax. It's protection. We've got you. You've got to be careful about China. China wants us to... your data!
to the TikTok. The TikTok is stealing your data. Does China want to fight us? Why are we trying to fight China? Because we're stealing China's data and they're throwing drones over New Jersey. It's a war. It's a war. Why are we at war with them? I don't know. We're not. They're communists. I don't think they are. Oh, I thought they were. I think they're allegedly, but they seem politically communist. They appoint their own government.
It's about that money right now. It's about that money, too. It's a weird sort of a merger, which makes it very difficult to battle with because you have a dictatorship that's connected to a thriving economy. Tell me this. TikTok, they're stealing your data. Isn't it also all the American companies? I'm listening. What are you, some kind of communist? Ori, whose team are you on?
You know what Team O's on. Oh, yeah. The Hades, IDF. Free Palestine. I'm on Team Green. You know what they need is Xi Jinping to visit L.A. They'd clean it up in a day. Isn't that funny? They would get it done. They did it for China when they came to San Francisco. Yeah. Crazy.
Yeah, that's right. Did you see Gavin Newsom's latest speech where he was talking about... We're going to get to the bottom of this? No, about doing something with the land. Have you seen that, Jamie? Gavin Newsom. Jamie, have you seen it? Did you see Danny Polish's deepfake of his speech? No. He's good at that. It's so funny. Just making him say dumb shit. He tricks me a lot. He goes, we put fire our...
Because what's really weird is he does like a little dance with his shoulders when he talks about it So crazy hair though listen to this Listen to this. With a myriad of issues, I was just talking to Josh Green, the governor down in Hawaii. You had some ideas about some land use concerns he has around speculators coming in. Oh, yeah. I do that when I pee.
We're already working with our legal teams to move those things forward, and we'll be presenting those in a matter of days, not just weeks. Legal teams. What is that? But look at this. The thing in Hawaii has been... fucking disaster for the people that lost their houses no one's rebuilt no one's rebuilt right so he's talking about that and talking to the governor who's obviously mishandled that
It's also like, what's the real answer? It's like, it's fucked. But hey, what is... No, no, no. What is this? I don't know. What is this? It's a fun thing he picked up. What is getting excited about it? Yeah, we're talking about some speculation, some land. That's like a lady thing. He's dating somebody new. He can't hide his excitement for the possibilities that they might acquire some of that land.
What does that land become now? How many of these people are going to be able to rebuild? What happens with the Coastal Commission? What happens with all the insurance companies that decided to cancel their fire insurance? So what happens with all? This is not as simple as anybody thinks any fire would be.
be, like you get your insurance money and you rebuild, you don't rebuild somewhere that's bigger than Manhattan. They lost what's larger than Manhattan. And also, insurance is not going to pay. As little as possible. It's going to take forever. How are they going to have the money? How are they going to have $150 billion? State Farm. But that's the amount of money they require. so was the government gonna do it is the biden administration gonna step up like they did for ukraine
They spent $175 million on Ukraine. How much are they going to spend on the Palisades? And if they did it for the Palisades, the Hollywood Hills are going to be like, what the fuck, dude? What about us? What about us? What about all these other fires? What about North Carolina? North Carolina. People are waiting in line for hours for propane because they don't have gas. They're trying to stay alive because their fucking heaters need gas. No propane, no gain.
But yeah, you're right. Hey, Katrina. I was in Katrina. I was in New Orleans. It was the same shit. Yeah, weren't they saving the rich people? Yeah. Yeah, but this is crazy. This is way worse. If they bail out the Palisades, that's crazy. If you don't bail out Maui and it's a year later and you decide you're going to bail out the Palisades. So it kind of stuck because all he would have taken is five billion dollars.
And they accidentally paid an extra $6 billion to Ukraine. They're like, don't worry. Just a mistake. It was an accidental $6 billion. $5 billion to help Maui? Yeah. Rebuild entirely. So for $5 billion, everyone could have got their home back. and everything could have been settled.
And no, nothing's been done. But yet we keep sending money to these other countries. Well, how come these countries throw us a buck every now and then? All we've been doing is paying their bucks for the last 78 years. Here's the thing. Even if you are supporting the idea of sending... money to Ukraine. I'm not arguing against that. I'm saying they accidentally sent $6 billion there and no one cared. And they didn't send $5 billion to Maui.
Right and they could have also just get it back like it's not actually you're not shipping a big thing of money Just like you're wiring. Oh really? So you can pay cash? Just bucked. Just boats filled with buckets of money. Blockbuster cards. We should buy Greenland. Isn't that what Trump's trying to do?
of resources over there. Well, if global warming hits, we got a sweet spot. I like it. If global warming really takes off, get some green one going. You know how many people live there? 56k. We can kill them in an hour. There's only 56,000 people there? The whole island.
Really? Yeah. Wow. Give it a go. What are they like? I don't know. Let's hang out with one of those guys drunk. Their houses are weird. What do you think they're like? They're like shacks. Colorful shacks. They probably smell like old hot dogs.
Yeah. Pull it up. The reindeer they've been fucking. Yeah, what have they been eating? What kind of fermented shark meat? Gotta be inbreeding there. Oh, easy. Gotta be inbreeding. Oh, it's a cute little town, actually. That is adorable. Where's the bar? Show me the bar. Because there's got to be a bar. That's going to be a good bar. That's a good bar. Or a really bad bar. Some real fisherman drunks.
I mean, how many times does everybody date everybody else's ex in that town? Everybody. You just got to get over it. Yeah, you got to get over it. You just got to move on. It's like high school. You just got to get over it. She's dating him now. Yeah, what do they do for electricity?
What do they do? Is it Norway that they have a dating app that won't let you fuck your sister? Or is it Iceland? Yeah, to know how close to the Middle East you are. True. They tried giving that to the Middle East and the Middle East was like, no, we like it. The app's called It's All Relative.
That was a conversation that Gavin McGinnis and I had on the podcast at one point in time. He was talking to me about the numbers of people that are inbred. I think it was... In the Middle East. Was it Palestine or Pakistan? Palestine's one of them. It's like 40%. Israel's one of them.
No. Definitely. No? What do you mean no? You guys do some breeds. What are you talking about? You breed in Brooklyn, I'll tell you that. Not cousin. Do they in Brooklyn? Bro. Inbreeding? Oh, yeah. Really? It's bad. That's like Jews. Is that true? I looked it up in Israel. Look up the numbers. You can look it up. Let's take a look at Brooklyn. Sirius huge. Sirius huge. Palestine's huge. Afghanistan's huge. Boy, you're deflecting away from Israel. Israel just magically is not one of them.
It's not magically. They're all Europeans that live there. Inbreeding rates in Israel vary by population group, but the highest rates in the... Say that? Arab Bedouin population. You guys are close to the Bedouins. But that's the Arab. Israeli Arab. Israeli Arab. Okay, so Jewish population is only 2.3%. Yeah, the Palestinians are like 40. Look at that. Israeli Arab population is 25.9%.
Not close. But that's a crazy number. But look at the Bedouin population. It's 44%. Damn. Wait, what's 25.9? Hold up. Look at that. 44%, which is high and has resulted in a high prevalence.
of genetic disorders and infant mortality. Don't you love AI? This is what I love about AI. It has to tell you sometimes. Before they catch it, when you ask me questions like this on a giant podcast, before they catch it, Oh my god, like what what did they say we didn't say shit we read something off the fucking AI We did we're talking about real data Oh, yeah. But that's the thing. It's like...
People that live in liberal areas like Silver Lake and the fucking in the East Village, they don't realize that there's parts of the world that are really, really, really fucked up right now. Really fucked up and you can't make this place like that place because you won't survive with your blue hair You won't survive with your fucking nose post that makes you interesting that fucking stupid bullring you have in your nose
That's what he did with all the people that kicked out of their neighborhoods. Yeah, you're not going to survive with your they-them pronouns. They're throwing you off a roof. You're thrown off a roof. It's like the rich kid who's like, fuck you, mom, but you got it made, kid. I'm going downstairs. Meanwhile, the migrant kid's like, I love you, dad. Don't leave. I think we need to take an opposite approach in this country. Instead of like letting...
all the fucked up people in. What we need to do is like spread the good. Like, buy all the other countries. Like, slowly. Like, Greenland, start with Greenland, then we buy Mexico. Guatemala's probably for sale. Find all their doctors, bring them in. You know, he wants to take over the Panama Canal.
Fantastic. Let's buy Panama. That way you don't have to worry about taking over the Panama Canal. We'll get Elon involved. I don't mind the canal. That was... Make a new coin. We built it. We could sell a hock to a coin. Well, I think they built it.
We paid for it. We made him build it. Did you just see the other idea about the Gulf of Mexico? You know, you can't drill in the Gulf of Mexico. There's a law. Is that right? But here's the thing. Change the name to the Gulf of America. Now you can drill. Change laws. Is that why he wants to do it?
I heard he wants to change it and I was like, this is an 8th grade level Gulf of America. Fifth graders idea of like, that should be Gulf of America. And now he can drill. And Canada's a new state, apparently. Bro, it's fucking genius. Trudeau resigned.
Yeah, I mean it's fucking what he's doing is kind of crazy. He's not even in office yet And he's like fuck it. I'm getting out of here. I don't want this fight But he's not even in office yet and the whole world is like shifting all the social media companies will do it all look at Facebook He's like an MMA fighter now. But they were just doing what the other people wanted.
Whoever's in charge, they're like, sure, sure, sure. We'll do it your way. It's a little shifty. But you're like, are you going to flip back if something flips back? Who are you? We're going to keep stealing data. They're going to flip back. I think most people found out about it because of the...
Twitter files, and then the outrage was so high, they were worried about losing in the next election. And I think they've realized that probably lost them this election. So when things like that happen... There was a point in time during the Obama administration where they were talking about us going to war with Syria. Do you remember that?
Ten times. Yes. We kept saying no. We said, we got to overthrow Assad. And they go, America said no. And then they go, actually, we got to help Assad because of these other people. And America's like, no, we've just done with these. He made, there was a press conference. And the press conference was so rejected. It was so wildly rejected in the public that the Pentagon shifted course and they decided not to attack Syria. It was like a big thing in the news. We had eight wars going on.
The country was like, we're not doing this one. And obviously, I have a cursory understanding of the entire conflict. I have a very, very small understanding of the conflict. But the reality is, like, if things get too rejected, if too many people are like, fuck this. Well, I think...
That's probably what happened with all this Twitter shit when they got those Twitter files and they found out the FBI was suppressing real information. And then they found out that, you know, when Zuckerberg was on here and he was talking about the laptop and they were telling him it's Russian.
disinformation and they were telling them to they told them to remove that meme you know that meme of leonardo dicaprio pointing at the television screen in 10 years like did you take the covid vaccine if so you may be eligible for a class action lawsuit. And it's like Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, it's going to be a cigarette from Once Upon a Time. Yeah, yeah. It's a classic meme. He said, take that one down.
They asked him to take out a man. Clearly not really. Do you know the meme? Do you have it, Jamie? Because I have it on my phone. Great meme. By the way, how about Trump and Biden having a full-on hang fest? Obama, yeah. What did I say? How wild was that? Oh, yeah, you're right. Obama. The black guy. How wild was that? to watch though. It is a little disappointing though because both those guys benefit so much on every American on both those sides hating each other.
I know. And then you see them together, and they're like, ha-ha, we got home. Well, you know what it's like? It's just like Clinton and Trump at the old parties. They're all just friends. They eat at the same dining hall. Yeah, they're all pieces of shit. Well, you know what it's like? It's like when guys fight, and then the fight's over.
and they talked so much shit about each other before the fight and they hug it out and they're all emotional. That's what it's like. Yeah, except they're not fighting. They're talking about... Yeah, we're professional here. This is like...
Yeah, but the other guy's like, this is Hitler, and I need to have a revolution to fight him. And then, hi, how you been? And then you get done, and you go, hey, where are you seeing this? Yeah. It's so fake. He was saying that neo-Nazis and white nationalists were very fine people.
Remember that? Yeah. He's like, I gotta say it. I get it. I get it. You gotta say it. They just sit down and they work it out. But meanwhile, the rest of us, my, you know, your neighbor has a fucking science is real flag. Yeah.
Love is love. Black lives matter. Because these guys, that's what they're putting out there. It's causing division. Joy division. Well, it just makes you realize this is the reason why cults exist. Because it's really easy to shift someone's opinion about things. It's really easy.
People are really weak. Yeah. They're also all looking at the fringes of each side. So like the shit they're complaining about, like 90% of the people on that side doesn't, they're like, yeah, we agree with you. Yeah. 90%. Yeah. It's nuts. It's just weird that it works so well. Yeah.
It really does work, and people make it their whole personality, their whole identity, and then if you push back, they hate you. He's Hitler, and I'll sit next to him at Carter's funeral. And laugh. We'll joke around together. Meanwhile, Biden's asleep. You see him fall asleep?
My favorite part was when Kamala Harris shows up and she fucking stink eyes both of them Yeah, she stink eyes Trump and Obama and then sits down it doesn't say hi or shake their hands nice and then looks over and sees that Biden or that Obama and Trump are talking to each other and she goes like this she's like Yeah. She rolls her eyes and she's with her husband and her husband's family. That's like when Shane was talking to Chappelle and Louie and people were like, fuck.
I've got to be nice to you now. Bill Clinton was there too. He was checking out Kamala. He's like, hey, nice rump in that pantsuit. You are half black. I'm going to go out with a bang. Look how angry she is it's unbelievable And it's like, look at Obama and Trump. Just no one looks at each other. You sit next to him. Yeah, that's what she said. She guided him over. He has to sit wherever the fuck she tells him to. He's the white Chris Brown.
Look, they're looking at each other. Trump is like, maybe we'll shake hands. Look at Trump. He's just holding it. George Bush's wife. I want to be on what she's on right now. Melania is like I can't fucking believe I have to be first lady once again Man, Jimmy Carter, that fucking fentanyl, it'll get you. Yeah, at 100.
He made it to 100, though. That's true. Kamala knows she's on camera, so she's got to act more pissy. But look at them just talking to each other. Look at the honker on that guy in the back. Jesus, that's quite a beak. She's got to be able to hear them. That's a beak. Yeah. That's a lobbyist. Yeah, what if Trump... I think he shook hands with Pence. Damn. Who this, Trump?
Yeah, Pence, like, literally called him Hitler. Oh, shit. Almost. That was his vice president, too. Like, what did Pence say? It was, like, the worst thing Pence said about it. But Pence definitely said he shouldn't be president. Yeah. And then he won again. And Pence said, that's a shot. Yeah.
Shut up. You got to shut the fuck up and you got to shake his hand. You lost. Deal with it. I saw Pence announce. I was watching the news live when Pence announced his presidency. It was great. Really? It's like on Hannity. He was a guest on Sean Hannity. Yeah. They did it like he was about to announce and they're like, we got to take a commercial break. Then he comes on. He's like, I'm going to run for president. There's like 12 people on bleachers like.
You lost. Damn. You just lost. I can't. I'm still on the fence. Did you ever see the conversation he had with Tucker when Tucker was talking about the problems that America has and he said that's not my concern? Did you ever see that?
It was, I've seen it, and I feel for Pence on this one. That was, it seemed like a misstep. Oh, it was. He just said the wrong, he phrased it wrong. Yeah. But it's the worst thing you could possibly say. This is what he did. He reacted to an attack. So the attack was.
on him. And so his reaction, because he's a guy who likes to be in power, that's not my concern. His reaction is to shut you down. So he said, it's not my concern. That's not my concern. He's trying to shut him down, but he's doing it in a stupid way. Exert his authority. I was the vice president. Let me tell you how it works. Yeah, that's not my concern. My concern is Shit after he said it he probably was like shit. He's too religious that guy
Pence, yeah. He was obsessed with no abortion and, you know, can't go anywhere with my wife. I don't mind that. That's a nice... What, gay conversion? He was like, I'm not going to dinner with a lady unless my wife's there. And everyone was like, what are you, sexist? I was like, no, that's a... Somewhat valid elevator with one. Especially in his business. Yeah. I mean, his business. They're sneaking whores in all the time. A doctor needs a female nurse in there with them. Yeah. So, like...
Sneaking in people to try to, like they have Chinese ladies who are banging these dudes and they turn out to be fired. How quickly? They turn out to be spies. How would you not? You get a nine and a half on an elevator with you and all of a sudden she's just on her knees and you're like, oh fuck. They don't believe them. Yeah, send in a six with cocaine I think they're all freaks, and I think it's just...
Slow to be revealed because they're all like guilty of it Like when you hear a guy like Clinton get busted or JFK like this is not a normal I mean this is a this is like it's probably prevalent in the entire group of people when you talk to people that are congressmen you talk to people that are honest like look there's a lot of freaks there's a lot of people that are partying yeah you're doing wild shit
They're doing wild shit. They were doing showbiz type shit, but they were presidential candidates. Especially if you get that big, like, I never got the chance to do this. I'm finally invited. I'm 60, but let's go. Finally at Bohemian Grove. dork my whole life. Yeah, Gorbachev with a fucking stain. I couldn't wait to get some clam.
There's a dude in a dress, and he weighs 100 pounds, and you're just going to get him to suck your dick. Wow. You don't know that that fucking mirror on the wall is a two-way one. There's a camera on the other side. Yeah. Six guys laughing watching. Oh, yeah. That's true. We got him. Look at that shriveled up thing. The oral office. And it's all at Diddy's Mansion. It got burnt to the ground. That's true. The baby oil.
It's probably lube, and I bet lube burns forever. I bet lube is like lava. Grease fire. It just burns forever. It's probably some sort of synthetic shit. When are we going to get the real dirt? All I got is a hallway beat up. On video. But I need, you know, Bieber's crying, J-Lo's nervous, J-Z's gay. If I had to guess this, what I would say. There's a lot, apparently, of famous people involved in this. Which means there's a lot of accusers.
And there's a lot of money that people won't get if these people go down. So if you're a lawyer, if you're a lawyer and you're. involved in this whole thing the move would be like we could go public with this and this would be the end that is not our interest our interest in is a settlement And then next thing you know, someone who's really good at basketball or someone who makes good songs. It's all maybe, though. Everyone left the parties early every time. It would be like Epstein, though.
It'll be the same thing. It'll be like nobody ever gets in trouble. Did you see that prosecutor, though? The guy who said there's some very famous names and you will be stunned at what you'll see. What, on Diddy or Epstein? Did he? Yeah. My people will not let those names come out. But here's the thing. If the videos exist, you don't think that somehow or another this guy's got it in the prosecutor's office? FCs never did.
But no one talked about the names and there was a video and it was going to come out. It was like they kept quiet about all of it. They never released the names. They never said there was video. No one confirmed anything. It was all just rumors. They just waited until we stopped asking.
It went away. And Colleen Maxwell just went to jail for what? Recruiting. For what? For who? For what? For who? Who was there? What'd you do? What happened? Picked out 15-year-olds from high school. And where'd they go? I think they killed him. Who are they guys? No, no, no. To who? Like, if you're going to put someone in jail. If you're selling pussy. So let's say you're selling cocaine. You sold cocaine, who'd you sell it to?
I sold it to this guy. Okay. Well, now that guy's in trouble. That's how it usually goes. And you find that guy. Who else? If you sell underage prostitutes, you're going to jail for selling underage prostitutes. To who? Who'd you sell them to? Well, that guy gets in trouble, too. Automatic. That's why you kill Epstein. You blame it all on him. How good must she be at keeping secrets? She's pretty good. We're all surprised they didn't kill her, right? Yeah.
They barely arrested her. Wasn't she not in jail for a while? She was in a cabin in New Hampshire. They found her in a cabin. In America. She was like an episode of a fucking CBS drama. She was hiding in a cabin in the woods. Really? She's on prison break. Is she still there?
No, she's in jail. Oh, she is in jail. But she's in a jail where you get to do yoga, you finger yourself, you watch TV. Yeah, it's like a fruity jail. Like an easy jail. I wish she'd start a podcast. How great would that be? I would listen. of the island yeah put that on gas digital yeah how have they not killed her how have they not she's in prison until july 17 2037 Oh, that's when they're going to kill her. Low security federal prison in Tallahassee. Low security.
Tallahassee that's nice drop a rocket ship down in the middle of the prison yard and escape She's pretty hot. She'll put a force field around a rocket. Pull up her nudes. You guys are ridiculous. About as good as Demi Moore. You guys are disgusting. Demi Moore? I don't know if she's that hot. She's that hot. How old is she? Demi Moore's on all kinds of crinochrome and...
She's harvesting the... Do you guys get questions about Hollywood parties now? I have to tell people, like, I don't even know anyone who was not invited to those. There's levels of Hollywood. It's not all of us in... It's Matt Reif and those guys. He ain't invited. He's not even invited? No, it's high levels. I got roped into going one to one night with Chappelle.
Okay, let's hear it. Well, we were at the comedy store, and Dave was like, come on, Joe, I got to go to this party. How are you going to say no? And I was like, all right, let's go. So we drove my Porsche up into the Hollywood Hills. It was like a scene in a movie.
two comedians like having fun leaving the comedy store driving up to the movie and we're going to naomi campbell's house or some guy's house who was having naomi campbell's party and we're on an elevator like this little outdoor elevator with demi moore and somebody
lady and it's outdoor elevator like you're sitting in like a cart it's like taking you up the side of the hill and as we're going up the side of the hill we look at this they had a party house so they had a regular house and a party house what and the party house was So high up the hill that there was like a 50-foot...
Gigantic photo of a naked Naomi Campbell Wow modeling poses. Yeah, and then you go up there and it's like fucking Lenny Kravitz and all these famous people like just famous everywhere. Yeah
It was so, and at one point in time, Naomi Campbell, she had a book of all her modeling stuff, and there was so many photographers there. At one point, she just starts posing, and it's like snapping pictures. So you're at her party, and all these cameras are going off, and she's posing. You're just watching it all? Bizarre and then me and Dave are hanging out and Dave goes man I never want to be that famous Dave I go I got news for you You're the most famous person here. He goes no I go yes
Yeah, you're the most famous guy here. And the most talented. And we were both laughing. Lady Kravitz is pretty talented, too. I had one hit. Oh, he's got some bangers. Dave can do a monologue right there on the floor. He's got Mama Says, he's got Fly Away. Fly Away, that's a nursery rhyme. Also, American Woman was a cover. I know, but he's got bangers.
I mean, he's good, and he's hot. He's a fucking punk. I agree. Chappelle is more talented, but no need to be disparaging about Mr. Payne. No, no, I'm just saying it's just funny. These comedians show up, and they can do a couple hours. They got albums. They can do a riffing sesh, you know, crowd work.
Well, she can pose. What does she got? She can pose. She can pose. She can be pouty. She can be pouty on command. It takes you a while. Exactly. We didn't stay long. Then we left when we went back to the store. And then we're like, wow, that was so weird. It was an eyes wide shut party. Nah. I talked to you after that. Yeah. I think it was that one. Oh, yeah, for sure. And I was like, are they all like rotten? And you're like, yeah, they've gone sour.
As a comic, you go to those parts, you feel like a gargoyle. You know, like, I'm so ugly compared to these beautiful people. You can't talk to them regular. No. They won't fuck around. No way. The thing is, like, if you go and you talk to a bunch of celebrities, the odds are they're going to be...
more guarded than even regular liberals well you got regular liberals and then you got celebrity liberals like they have to be careful of every thing they say they have a couple drinks in them and you got your phone out and you start recording them saying something You know some of them are okay, but most of them That's like their chef. Yeah, right Celebrity take to Twitter and you're just like his agents failed him. Oh, you fucked up
The agent can't watch you 24-7. They want to keep going to these parties. Like a Kimmel type. He's got to play ball. Those parties suck after a while. Stink. They suck. You're like two and you go, all right, I get it. No beer pong. No beer pong ever. No comedians. If you found a comic, if it was Mark Maron at that party, you'd flock to them. Who's grilling? A thousand percent.
No, I don't like you. Talk to me. You know, it's like one of those places. Mark, who's a comedian that's doing better than you that you hate right now? Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Please, go public with it. Ah! But you know like if you're if you're at the airport and you see a comic like sick. Yeah, like come on Like I'm that much it's like you like them way better than these regular idiots
I was hanging out with Jake Johansson once. I was emceeing in DC Improv. He's a clean guy. And we were talking about hookers in Tijuana. And he goes, listen, that's not my world at all. I'd rather be here with you guys talking about that than with my wife's dumb friends. Oh, you just ratted that boy out. Sorry. You just got in a fight from years ago. You don't have to worry about his wife or his wife's dumb friends. His wife.
I've been sitting here waiting for one. I've been waiting. You're going in the chamber. I got news for you. His wife and their dumb friends are never listening to this podcast. There's zero chance they're listening to... Well, clean comics are always the wildest. You see a clean comic at a party? Flock to that motherfucker. Cosby, he's got some stories. Cosby's going to go nuts. Cosby partied. Find John Heffron and get him some Adderall.
Let's go. You ever get drunk with Regan? It's wild. I'm not going to say anything. Regan's an animal. Regan's an animal. He just gets drunk. He's not like... Well, he's a fun guy to talk to. He's having fun. He's having fun to talk to is what he's saying. He's not saying hookers. No, I know, but I'm saying it started with Cosby. Not start firing. You're right. He one-upped everybody. Well put. Well put.
Regan's way worse than Cosby. He's a sweetheart of a guy, too. He came to my show in Philly in October, and then he came to the bar with us after. That's so cool. I love it. Super, super nice guy. He's the fucking man. Me and DeVito were having a sober month.
And then he was gonna come in Kansas City was like hey, I got an early show Can I come hang out we want to drink and we're both like we're drinking right? Yeah That's a sick move to go to like the theater the arena there and then could just find out who's at the local club He did it to me
a drink there. It's awesome. It's awesome. Keeps the bar open. And if you find a fun dude who's in town, it's great. It makes the experience of being in town so much better. And the club is like, yeah, come on in, sir. I was bombing at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. Bombing. There's 12 people there.
I'm headlining. It was horrible. And I heard one cackle in the back. And I was like, well, at least I'm killing with that guy. You know, that whole thing. And I get off and it's Regan. And he's like, let's go drink. And we went out all night. Make you feel so good. Huge. That's hilarious. It was like 10 years ago. The late night midnight show.
Those were always death. Yeah, those were always death because people were so hammered by the time they got there and they're half full But then the clubs greedy and they just want to show the third show you're repeating jokes. You don't remember What the fuck you talking about? Did I say that? You have to have, like, a very set order if you're going to do two or more shows. Easily. I did it this last weekend. I was, like, at the last show of the set. It was just like...
No way have I said this. And you start laughing. You're like, are you laughing at me? Yes. Will you tell me? It also looks the exact same, too. From your perspective, it's just a light in your face. You can't really see anyone. Well, the problem is when you're doing long... sets too. It's like long sets are like a zone you get into. And when you're in the zone, you're kind of like...
You know, you're kind of like riding it, right? You're kind of like riding the show. Which joke do I feel like right now? None of us have scripts. So it's like, there's no order. You're riding with it. You're fucking around. You're riding with it. And so you forget where you are on the ride. Because you're on the ride again. Yeah.
part of the ride have i done that bit yet oh my god my i'm so out of order and it's later in the night so i've been drinking too so now you add that to the mix now i'm shit-faced yeah like the time we went back to the mothership I was hoping you forgot about that. Oh, how could I ever? You threw up behind the stage and went to sleep. Yeah. You went to sleep a foot away from your own puke. The levels you'll allow when you're drunk. It's fine.
Third spot. This is a good spot. I went to the club the next day, and I was like, sorry, I puked. They're like, yeah, we know. And some guy's holding a mop. I was like, ah, I set up an edible arrangement. The edible arrangement was very thoughtful. Thank you. It was really nice. Horrible. Yeah. Somebody had to clean.
that shit up. Yeah. Well, it's a fun place to work. Yeah, it's a great time. I found the nook. I found the puke nook. If you're going to puke anywhere, you want to go in that little weird closet. That little... Yeah, right where everyone has to stand before they go on stage. She has to smell what happens when it goes wrong. Have you ever had a puke on stage? No. Never? I had to piss on stage one so bad that I had to get Jay to come back up at Bell House. I was like, bye five minutes.
I was sick on stage one time, and I was doing a show, and it was coming up, and I had to swallow it. Oh, no. Whoa. Yeah, I was like, oh, no. That's terrible. I got lucky. I pulled out of it, and I made it, but I was like, this could be so rough. I might. vomit on stage because I was I knew I really should be at home in bed but I like
was already out. What happened? Were you listening to your act? I did the second... I did the second set, and I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna puke. Damn! This is bad. I was doing... You know that feeling if you're reading in a car like if you're in the backseat of the car and you're reading you're like oh no oh no
The watery mouth. The watery mouth. Yeah, like where it's coming up. Your body's freaking out. It's like, why is this motherfucker moving when we're still? Yes. This is crazy. If you don't see the outside and see the line of the road. and engage it. That's why people get seasick. Like, why are we moving and we're still? You must be drunk. You must have food poisoning.
Get rid of whatever the fuck's in you. Let's get it out now. We've all had the shitting on stage where you have a turtle head going and you're really just tightening that rump. I feel like it goes away, though, as soon as you get on stage. You get a little fight or flight, but every now and then you're just like, oh, I had a crazy meal. I had oysters in the green. room and you're like when you order food
It put up a photo of me doing my Comedy Central. Stop bragging. A half hour. A while ago. But I have a crazy virus. And I was shitting myself on stage, like gurgling. While you were doing the special? Yeah. It was like the biggest thing I've ever done. Half hour special, whatever. Oh, man. I want to see this. I look so fat. I'm sweaty. I had a H. pylori. You get that from eating ass. Yeah, you consume feces. First of all, congratulations. Thank you. What was his name? Hey.
He said fat. I was like, I gotta get it in quick. It's all about timing. It was John Panette. Oh, wow. Holy shit. I'm wearing a ton of makeup, but I'm like bloated. You look like a chubby. I was the same weight I am now, but just that. I'm so fat and sick, and I'm trying to push through. You look like a little boy. Yeah. So were you sick days before as well? Yeah, but they're like, we're not changing it. This is when you got to do it. Wow. Look at the neck, everything. I mean...
I look like Ralphie Bay. You actually look cute. You look like I want to pinch your cheeks. Cherubic. Yeah, cherubic. That's the word. Like I want to pinch your cheeks. I don't even know what year ago that is. Hey, have either one of you guys seen a drone? You guys are East Coast guys. Oh, yeah. I've been looking for them. You seen them? I did, yeah.
The ones that everybody's complaining about? Yeah, they're all over Jersey. Like, what did you see? They're huge. They're like as big as a car. Real. And they're black with a ton of lights on them. Really? And they just whiz by quick. As big as a car. Yeah. Wow. I did the comedy dojo in Morris Plains and they're all over. Oh, the Tripoli spot. Yeah. And Joey Diaz is there all the time. Yeah, that's where Joey Diaz has been working out. There you go. Joey Diaz is coming back.
We're doing Fight Companion for the Sean Strickland-Drekus Duplicy fight. When's that? That's in February, February 8th, and Joey's going to be on Fight Companion. Oh, great. Hell yeah. Eddie Bravo had to go teach something. He's got something going on. And Brian Cowell's not going to make it either. What's he teaching? English?
Jiu-jitsu motherfucker. Oh, I thought he was at the community college. That's one of the best jiu-jitsu coaches on earth. So funny. How dare you. He's got a hundred schools. Yeah. Eddie Bravo has a hundred jiu-jitsu schools. I'm a 10th planet white belt. Is that right? Yeah. Eddie Bravo. Eddie Bravo, yeah. He's been running 10th planet since 2003. How many? What color? 21 fucking years. That's white.
I'm not listening to anything anyone's saying. I bought Ari a year's worth of jiu-jitsu for Christmas. He got pretty good. He swept me once. Ari legitimately swept me. He caught me slipping. I got a little too confident. Bro, you must have destroyed him. No, I was happy. I did destroy him. He destroyed me. He was like, good job. You're going to pay for that now, but good job. I didn't do it extra. I never heard him.
I never destroyed you, destroyed you. No, not like that. I never really went full blast on you. Shigeki was the one. There's this 5'2 Japanese guy, brown belt at the time, and I made a mistake of getting his back. And he fought me off, and then he tapped me 34 times.
He's one of those guys like you would never think he's like five foot three you'd never think you'd like no I'll fuck this guy I'm gonna throw this battle for my life with that guy we would hold it we would battle to the death like it was for my life like it was dangerous Chinese was dangerous Japanese Japanese catch you in arm bars transition to a leg lock be fighting off a choke and like whoo you get out of that role like thank you
That was good. That was good. That was good. Damn. There's a few of those guys that he had. Eddie Bravo had some assassins there, but Ari got pretty fucking good. He got good when he was tapping people. But when you swept me that one time, I was like, this motherfucker. I like it. I couldn't believe it.
He caught me slipping and he exploded. He exploded with a butterfly sweep. He snatched an overhook and went right into a butterfly sweep. I was going over. I was like, this motherfucker caught me. And he just makes it. He puts it in your head where you're not even thinking. about it you just go yeah that's Shane
I got shamed for a second. No, you didn't. I tapped you once. When? Out there. No chance. 100%. You don't think I would tap you? I did. I'm trying to go. I did. We could go to the mats right now. We did it. We had to start. I got you in our triangle. Yeah, we had to start with you.
On my back sitting down. You're 700 pounds. I know. If you guys rolled, Ari would get you. You did tap. Big pun. He'll get you. I got you twice with an arm triangle. You'd eventually get tired and he would catch you in something you wouldn't know what it was. He was more tired than I was. I was for sure. Well, he's definitely not tired. He's old. But if he just lies there and takes his time. Wait, you're saying I did not tap you twice with an arm triangle? With an arm triangle? Yeah.
I don't think so. Remember this position? Remember going like this? Is that when we started with my arm like that? First and second time. You were hammered. You were hammered. Hold on. Every single time we had to start with him on my back. You made us start with him literally arms around.
I made him start with over-under from the back. That's what it was. Like an Eddie Bravo tournament. The Eddie Bravo Invitational, when it goes into overtime, you have two positions you can start from. You can start from the back or you can start from spiderweb. It's an even position.
It's even? No, no, no, no, no. Shut up, Joe. Highly disadvantageous position. I think I turned around and started punching you for real. Well, yeah, because you were doing MMA. And then everyone was like, stop. You're like Lewis. You're like, change from Jiu-Jitsu to MMA because you want to.
Lewis, you'll be rolling with Lewis. He'll just start punching him in the side. If when Ari was training, he would have got you. Back when he was training, he would have fucked you up. No, he got a lot of punch. Oh, well, I don't know any of the moves. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, I could lay on him and hold his arms down. And you did. Yeah. For a little while. You got me more than I got you. No, you will stop before I stop on that. Oh, yes. Interesting. Yeah.
We don't like you guys to be fully drunk. We did this. We did it. I know, but we should film it. And I was killing him. But we should start from a neutral position. I'm not filming this ever. Slap hands. No, just for fun. I'll kill him on that. What are we talking about? Why are you guys saying this to me? Did you get you riled up? Did you get me that twice? Yes. And then I tried the third time. What do you mean that? You fucking moron. That's true.
And then I tried to do it the third time and you already knew it. Had you ever done jujitsu at all? No. Before that one day? Nothing? No. No fucking around with your friends, rolling around, trying to choke each other? You did football. Yeah. Hold on a sec. Why are you guys pretending that something happened? Nothing known. It's not a real tap. It's a tap from an advantageous position. It's like it's not
It literally started with his arm around my neck. He transitioned to that very quickly. I knew you weren't looking for it. It was unfortunate. It was my one move I could do okay. Stay off. Alright, whatever. He's cracking up another Bud Light. Let's see what happens. As soon as we're done, I'll fuck you up. It doesn't change the fact that it happened. Let's do it on Kill Tony. You guys go at it. Wow. That could be fun. This is intense. He can do us. Bro, I want...
Oh, that was slow in telegram. You ever think about getting back to it, Ari? I think about it, but I break easy. Yeah, but if you just get yourself in a little bit of shape before you do it. Just got to get on a treadmill. That's a bigger thing. Well, start doing... Just gotta walk to my car once in a while. Well, you got in really good shape when we were doing Sober October. You got ripped. You got six-pack. Gotta have a reason. You are lean now. Yeah.
Ari had to have a competitive reason. I liked when you were gaming. I liked Javi. Javi Ari was nice. Yeah. Ari did it with Will, too. No Ozempic. Yeah, there's a cheat code now a lot of people are thin fucking dad His dad's a legit Holocaust survivor. Is that right? His dad got tattoos. Is your dad going to do the podcast? He could.
We talked about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kind of went away with COVID and stuff. Would you approve of that? Is that going to be embarrassing? That's right. No! It's never going to happen! I'm just now I'm like, how far can he go? I mean, Third Reich was crazy. That's pretty good. That's Reich is great. That's Reich. Reich's peak. That's Reich. Six million beans. I was watching. I don't know. Jamie, have I played it before the...
Scottish guys with Tourette's on here. Oh, that's great. It's like my favorite. This is just a fun thing Mental diseases and speaking out from tongue. I was watching it first off Scottish is the funniest possible accent. There's a documentary I think it was National Geographic a long time ago and I watched it when it came out. Y'all these guys rule. Hold on this isn't this isn't it. They all dress like you.
Yeah, I know. I went over there. I was like, these are my people. I am Scottish and Irish, obviously. Hold on. We'll find one. Oh, no. Different one. These are the guys, though. You're Irish, though, right? Yeah. Are they going to yell out? Is that what happens? There's three dudes. Hold on, Jamie. Find the one where three dudes link up and go on a trip. Is this like a long documentary and is like a section of the documentary? No, the whole thing's hilarious. It's just a different video. Oh.
Yeah, if you type in Scottish Tourette's but Jamie let me see it. I mean obviously highlights I swear I can't help it. Hold on. Go to YouTube. Go to that one. Four minutes. I swear I can't help it. Funny. No, hold on. Funny highlights? Well, those are also hilarious. Okay, let me hear something. Let me hear something of it. I'm trying my best to hold and hold and chug and buckle. Thank you. Work is a 10-minute walk away from his home. Hey! Oh, my God.
It's never nice shit to yell. When we're together, we feel some kind of harmony. There's a connection somewhere. There's one part, though, because the whole point of it is these three guys link up that have it severely, and they're like, we're going to go...
We're going to start a commune or not a commune. We're going to find a place where we can chill out in wilderness. They go to a lake. Scream at each other. All they do is they play a game where they're trying to hit each other in the nuts with a ball. So funny. We're having pub quizzes and stuff at the center. Something like playing charades. Charades. Let me hear a little bit of them talking.
I'm never ever the person that stands up and has to act out what film it is. Because I can't keep it to myself. I'll stand up and I'll say, Jaws! Right, that's my turn over. I didn't get a word of that. He said I can't do charades because I'll just... go up there and say the answer like what movie is it he goes up he goes
The border between England and Ireland. Wow. Hold on. Holiday. I've been holiday. I'm a chicken. Bam, I'm a chicken. These three fucking rule, dude. Don't just take around Carol. He constantly ticks around their children. Hold on. Ticking around the kids is hilarious. That's dangerous. There's no flies there. National Geographic. It's funny that they swear. Hold on, Jamie. This is the best part of the whole thing. Right here. He taps him on the head. Watch.
It's probably cool that they get to hang out together right so they don't care That's a podcast. Yeah, they should have a podcast. That would be hilarious. Try to hit each other in the nuts with a ball. No defending. From behind. That's a weird choice. They don't have long balls. But they're playing like a really serious sad music moment.
I thought you guys might enjoy these guys. These guys rule. They killed it. Couldn't find the right clip. They killed it. Yeah, it was pretty good. All right. I already stepped on it. That's nice. That's Geek. That's Geek. That's the last one. Oh, man. I can't believe you guys said Ari fucking Tavis. That's so crazy. Twice. Twice.
Norman, I'm certain you don't remember. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I remember you jumped on everybody. You jumped on the whole pile of people. Norman did. You were killing him with an arm bar, then I jumped on and tried to help, and I think I made it worse. I held on way too long. I was like, Joe, Jiu-Jitsu's gay, fuck you pussy. I got a photo, that's how long. I fucked my shoulder up. Well, you wanted to play football.
Yeah, I thought I was doing good with the pushing. Yeah, but the problem with that is, like, I want you to push me. Yeah, you just pulled me. Yeah, I'm like, good. I arm dragged you. I'm like, this is fun. It was fun. I had a good time. It was pretty ridiculous. Until I punched Ari. We got all scratched up. Everybody got their knees all scuffed up and their elbows all fucked up. On a carpet. Carpet burn. Meanwhile, we have mats here. We're too drunk to get to the mats. 25 beers. I'm sorry.
We were too drunk to make it to the mats. The best part, though, is you guys are going at it like crazy, and Carl is just like... That's literally like pretending to drive a car when there's a car right next to you. Right. We were like, nah, we can't make it into the map. That's like 20 steps away. That's too far. It's like when you fuck a girl in the bathroom. The bed's right there, but you couldn't hold it. Yeah, but that's fun.
Something exciting. That's true. Let's see what the sink can do. Yeah, let that sink in. Sink and hold you up. But if it doesn't, that's a real problem. If it breaks. That's why I never get up there. When a girl takes me to the bathroom, I never jump on the sink. I've pissed in the sink at least a thousand times in my life. Oh, yeah. How many times have you pissed? Oh, yeah. More often. Yeah, I've pissed in the sink many times. There's a lot of people who don't like that.
They don't need to know. You run the water. I like it. They don't need to know. I love it. I like it. I piss in the shower every time I get in the shower. Same. Of course. Every time. I went to, oh yeah. Every time. But I went to Wells Fargo for you and we went to, they got us the 676. Fixer's locker room.
All the urinals start up here. It's crazy. Oh, the giant guy? Yeah, then John Stockton comes for a visit. He's like, what the fuck, man? He's white. I think I might be one of the Scottish guys. He's white. The best thing about pissing in the shower is when you don't even acknowledge that you're pissing. You're just washing yourself and peeing at the same time. You let it flow.
God, it feels good. Like our ancestors used to do. They used to just pee. They didn't hold it in. Why would they hold it in? But even a dog like Ben's at the shower, you're just like letting it fly. It's so nice. Peeing in your own backyard feels good. You feel like an American. I pee in my own backyard. Whenever I take my dog out to PIP.
I pee all the time outside. That's nice. You got it. You still got it. It still counts. You only had like a half a second delay. It's like the five second rule where you drop food. Oh, that five-second rule really helps. You're hungry. Just think about all the ass that Norman's eaten and think about how ridiculous it would be to not eat food off the ground.
Specs. Yeah, you gotta do it. Yeah, he eats fucking leftovers at restaurants. I ate yours when you went to the bathroom. Why not? At breakfast. Norma would just see, like, at the cellar, stuff coming back, and he goes, whoa, whoa. I'm telling you.
Give me that. It works. This has never not worked for me. You go up to a table that's been sitting there for a while at a restaurant. You go, you want me to clear this out of the way? And they go, oh, please. And you just take their wings. Wow. It's never not worked. And you just eat their wings? Yeah, it's wings. But then they find out that you're not.
Working there. Well, that doesn't matter out of the way. Yeah, probably watch that guy just took our wings. He's eating them. Yeah They've never questioned it. They just run away That's so weird. How many times have you done that? Oh, geez, a dozen. Norman is the biggest Jew I know. That's so crazy. Is it because you don't want the food to go to waste or you're hungry?
Both. But you have money. I had no money back then. But now it's just a rush. But now you just do it for the goofs. And I had no food in my house as a kid, and I think it fucked me up. Also, it's right there. It's right there. When we were at Bonnaroo, and Norman went off to hang out.
Have some fun somewhere. And then I came back. There was a staff party. Crawfish boil. Comes back three hours later. It was like, oh, what a crazy night. Look at all these unused heads. Just sucking out crawfish. Sucking the heads. Like Lily Phillips. Sucking the heads is delicious. Oh, yeah. You got to suck that. heads you gotta do it it's all the flavor prawns too you get like a big juicy prawn and you cook them in garlic and you suck the heads you've gone from shrimp to prawn
You're gonna lead us to it. No. Shrimp's great too, but prawns are a different animal. What's the difference? They're longer. It's weirder looking. They're kind of cool. Prawns, they have like a long shelly head. Fucking whiskers. Whatever those things are. You know when you have peeled shrimp when you have to peel it. Yeah, I don't peel it Just eat it. Damn. So you eat ass. Who doesn't? Who doesn't eat ass at this point?
I grew up in a time when nobody ate ass. That's true. Because back in my day, nobody shaved. It was chaos. That's nuts. Porn, that's porn's biggest victory. Porn's biggest victory over culture is shaving a pubic hair. Hear, hear. I used to do a joke about it where if aliens came and they were studying the development of the human race, they'd be like, what happened to the pubic hair?
There's no documented direction. Nobody told people to do it. It's not a public health concern. Nobody issued some sort of a statement that you should start shaving your pubes. But everybody, when they started seeing porn, they all started shaving their pubes.
Great. Also kind of taught them how to give head, too. Yes. They're getting a little rowdy with the head, the ladies do to porn. When they get a little rowdy and they start gagging. Yeah, because of porn, now every girl does that. Right. I've used porn to watch how to eat out, maybe get some tips.
I think they're exaggerating. I was talking to our friend Whitney Cummings. I never get that reaction. She didn't know. She was the one, the gagging conversation. She was saying that she went down to this guy. She started gagging. He was like, stop, stop. What are you doing? Yeah. Good for you. I thought I was supposed to. Yeah, it's overkill. It's overkill. I'm just showing you're enthusiastic. I did a joke in my special about that.
Oh. I've had girls get, like, yeah. And I'd be like, this is, you're like, don't. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. But isn't it? Yeah, yeah, fucking right. Isn't it because they think that you want that? No, I think that's porn. I think it's porn's fault. Right, right, right. When girls give a head now, they're like. But isn't it weird?
Because it started out just people having sex. And then once people saw people having sex, they're like, let's kick this up a notch. Yes. I like that part. Yeah, why don't you tie each other up? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? You remember that one guy that got arrested? Ron Jeremy. No, no, no. He went to jail.
Jail for there was something about the way that they tried him in Florida. He was famous for like horrible stuff like he would open up girls buttholes and pee in them. Oh, yes! Oh, Rocky, Rocco Sofredi? No, no, no, no, no. He was an American guy.
He had a cowboy hat. I know what you're talking about. He had a very disgusting style of porn. It was the idea of, like, these things keep accelerating, getting more and more deviant, because people get bored. Max Hardcore. So that guy wind up, because they tried him in Florida. That was back when He fucks a butt. Sammy's ready. Cuck eye. You can't let him do that. You guys have to bet. You have to win your money back that he stole from you at the blackjack table. He stole from me.
That's what I said. The buddy stole from you. Oh, wait. Jaymo, pull it up. That's your job. You have to pull it up. Jamie, pull it up. Can't find it. Jamie, you have to pull it up. Jamie borrowed money from Shane and didn't give him a cut. Didn't give me a cut. Oh, really? What do you mean? You gotta give him a cut of the winnings. I need to. One of the Navy SEALs, you gotta give him a gapper. Don't you know what a gapper is, son?
I know, a gaper. No, a gapper. So let's say if you and Shane are playing pool and you're gambling and you don't have any money, and you say, can you give me $100? Yeah, of course. I give you $100, you win $300.
off of Shane, you throw me 50 bucks. You throw me a capper. You give me a little bit. You give me a piece. You give me a piece of the action. You were going to have to pay me 100 bucks back anyway. So it was like, you know, I gave you the 100 bucks so you can get an action. So even though you You technically only owe me $100. If you want this to keep happening in the future, you throw me a gapper. So you throw me $50. I like it. I do have an important question. It's a free $50.
An important question for the podcast. Jamie, who's the Epstein pedophile that paid for Ohio State's roster this year? This is information I mentioned to you before, so I don't know that that's even true. Whoa! Jamie always takes the establishment position. Who's the Epstein?
Who's the Epstein guy? Do you want to talk about the Catholic Church? Lexner? Whoa! Lex Wexner? Jamie. That's his name. Now, Lex Wexner, what did he do and why does he pay for your entire roster? And most of your campus? He donates a lot of money to Ohio State. Yeah.
What did he do, though, that's, like, suspect? I don't know. He's a big businessman. I don't know what he did specifically. Did he do anything weird? I don't know. Did Jamie have any insinuations you want to make? No, I mean just insinuations. I have no idea what he did. I don't know either. Google him. Do you want to go on Reddit? Just Google him. See what he did. Jeffrey Epstein worked for him.
Jeffrey Epstein worked for the guy who paid for your roster. Oh, boy. Interesting. You're going to get a head coach spazzing on you again. Well, oh, boy. Ryan Day can spaz all he wants. Lee Saban is the GOAT. Interesting. Ryan Day, born on third, thinks he had a triple, can talk all the shit he wants. Born on third. Wow. Third Reich. Wow. Oh, you missed it. Yes. We got it.
No, but if we do bet, we're definitely using the spread. What's the spread? We're not going Moneyline on this. Why is that? Ohio State's favorite by 10. Yeah, but you can't do that. You're afraid? You already think you're going to lose? No, you can't. You can't ask for a spread. Well, if we go Moneyline, I'm getting the... What are you read what Shane would be happy if Notre Dame loses by nine no wait a minute. Wait a minute. You won't bet 50 50?
Probably not on this one. Because you're gay? Do you know how many Notre Dame fans are so upset with you right now? I'll only bet with real fans like Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. Wow. The true Buckeye fans. Ouch. We're in Texas gear. The Texas Ohio State game? This is outrageous. This is getting crazy. Where is this game taking place? It's Atlanta on Monday. Pull that up. Are you guys going? Hot Atlanta. I'm definitely going, yeah.
Jesus Christ. That'll be fun. I'm able to go. Bring my father. Tony's gone. Big Phil. Phil made it to week one, and then he had a heart attack week two against Northern Illinois. That put him in the grave. Is he all right? He's back. He's been training. Consistently to get to this game. Hell yeah. Notre Dame. See, I get plus 280. Why are you favored by so much? We can go Moneyline. Moneyline's ridiculous. If you guys are men, you gamble. Wow.
Put the money down, you quits. You bet $100, he bets $100. Oh, yeah, deal. JMO, you're broke. How much were you thinking? I thought it was my house. What were you thinking? What were you thinking going to go to? $100 is great. $100 is great. He thought it was going to be the amount of money that mattered. I sent you guys that the other day. That shirt's nice. That shirt's nice.
You bought that shirt just to go to the fights. Yeah. Gucci. Versace. Versace. Do you have that shirt, Jamie? We need the photo of that shirt. I don't know, but he does have a ponytail. Yeah, J-Mo's clinging to that hair. Yeah, yeah. Jamie, I sent you the Leonardo DiCaprio meme, too. Please, I haven't seen that one.
This is the one that you get banned. All right. You get banned from fucking Twitter for this one. Or from Facebook. Yeah, Shane's blurry. He's been drinking. He's so blurry. Trump's pretty tall. Look at that. Yeah, Trump's a big fella. Trump's taller as shit. And he's old, so he probably used to be taller. That's true. Oh, thanks. Well, Baron's like 8'9". He's a fucking giant. He's huge. He's the one who told him to come on here. Yeah.
Well, and Dana White. Dana White's the guy who got him on here. Legitimately. Did you hear a loved one take the vaccine? And they took this down? That's not even fake news. That's an in-the-future idea. It's clearly a joke.
Isn't it crazy, though? They took that down. Kooky times. Well, they didn't take it down. I should say the government... told facebook to take it down it's one of the things that zuckerberg talked about he's like what the we're not going to take down humorous memes this is crazy and that's when they started bringing him to court and it got they had to like remember yeah yeah and he was drinking water like a lizard yeah
credit for that because he's freaking out the amount of fucking photographers in front of him you ever see it not just that like you're literally talking to the government who are thinking about shutting you down yeah and then that one guy was like are you worried about the weight of all the data I was thinking an island. Jesus. Whoa. He was like, what? You think data weighs something? Megabytes. Oh, my God. Yeah, right. And he was like, no, I'm not.
Worried about that. How about dudes were asking him, like, why am I talking to this guy? What state do you run? Weren't dudes asking him, like, Google questions when he runs Facebook? Like, it was, the whole thing was, like, so un, like, they were unprepared. Yeah. Right. A few of them. But that's the thing about being a congressperson. How many of them are there? I don't care. I just care about logging. How many congresspeople are there?
I have no idea. AOC? How many, Jamie? 435. 435 congresspeople. That's a lot. Have you seen that one wacky lady with the crazy glasses from Connecticut? Is that what she's from, with the blue hair? Taylor Greene. Where's that lady where people were like bringing her up? Because she was, God, I forget what the ridiculous argument she was making about. And everyone was like, who is this crazy lady? Miss Rachel? Some nutty equity argument. But with these...
Bananas glasses on. Like a character. Who's the hot lady battling the trans in there? Well there was a first thing is there was a first first openly trans congressperson and she was saying that person's not going into the women's room oh right yeah and then the and then the
Am I remembering this right? Then the trans lady was like, I just won't. And everyone's like, how dare you? That's the crazy lady. Look at that lady. Look at that lady. That's hilarious. Look at that lady. She sits on the plane. She looks like a macaw. You got to listen to some of the things that she argues. Some of the things she argues.
is just hilarious. Wow. She's like fully, fully woke. Like with her purple hair. She's like deep, deep in the trance. Like an art teacher. She probably put a mask on the moment she was done. I'm amazing she doesn't have a mask on when she's up there. I see people with masks on every day. Still in Tejas? 100%. Every day. I see them every day. Did I send that to the group test? Yeah, you said that. That's so funny. That guy's killing me. Who?
There's an account of this kid that's like, we need to be wearing masks at all times. He'll kill us. That guy seems really nutty. He's had five years of remembering to mask up. Really nutty. Yikes. yeah well these i mean there's a lot of people like that that they cracked
They cracked. See the video of the guy driving over a Trump sign? Then he got the flat tire. Yeah, because they put nails on it. You see the video of the guy who wired his Trump sign with electricity? No! So when they run up, they grab it, and they get zapped. Fuck! That's genius. The guy who ran over it was like, I fucking hate this man. And the wife's like, why'd you run over it? Yeah, he blamed it on that guy. Yeah.
People are so nice I saw a video this lady she hit and run this look this other lady and She's running away and the lady catches up to her and she's filming her and she's screaming Don't you have a fucking heart? I'm broke and she said screaming and like pulling her fucking shit out of her glove box. It's all chaos. You fucking bitch. You fucking have your fucking heart. I'm like, whoa. Yikes. Some people are just cracked. Yeah, people are. And Trump being president, like all.
Cracked them. Yeah, because they were told that this is gonna be the end of all their freedoms. They're gonna get locked up. No one's gonna be trans. They're gonna throw gay people off the roof Shane's got the glasses on so Norman Norman went for it. Let's do it three
It's about to get crazy. I was at a bar with DeRosa last night, Matt Edgar. What do I see on top of the shelf behind the bar? DeRosa's like, let's do shots. I'm not doing shots. DeRosa loves shots. Loves shots. He loves talking you into it. And I was like, I will, though, have a beer.
The right way. And I looked up behind the thing. No way. This fucking thing is up there. Get me that funnel. And the bartender goes, what funnel? And I'm like, that American flag, that American eagle. Wash it out. Bring it. Give me that. He didn't? He didn't let you funnel? No, he didn't wash it out. You don't want to wash it out. He brought it over. No one's out there eating ass. The bartender's like, how'd you know that? And I'm like, I just know things. He said, bro.
Put that on the map. Yeah. You better believe it. I am that eagle. I'd love to see what the sales did with this show on that thing. Oh, it probably went through the roof. Freedom at Freedom Funnel. Big Spike. It had to go through the fucking roof. That's Spike. That's Spike. Do you know how many fucking smelling salts we saw? I was waiting for Spike. I thought we were going to talk about the COVID. You think I had Spike ready? I had Spike.
This show has been a giant boon to the smelling salts market. That's true. That's true. The smelling salts market has gone through the fucking roof. Yes, Daniel Boone. It barely was around. Nobody cared. Nobody cared. Now kids are doing it when they work out. You see those videos? Yeah. Some kid can't lift the bar and he's like, ah!
Wow. It works. It works. You see those videos where they're giving them to, like, just strangers? No. They go to, like, Walmart, and they're like, here, try this. And then people are like, is that fentanyl? What the fuck did you just give me? It's kind of sad, actually. You guys want some? No.
Okay. No, it sucks. I hate it. If Joe wants it, that'd be fun. I'd like to do it from far away. You get the hit. This is a strong one, too. This is a strong one. Oh, this is a strong one. I can smell it from here. Oh, my God. Good Lord. What are they? It's like my ex. What do they smell like, though? Good girl. Jesus, this is strong. Ready? Here we go. God burns! Bernie Sanders. Hey, by the way, how about these parks in L.A.? We're protecting them, huh? Yeah. They're on fire.
We're here to help. We have protected them. I think we're protected. Got a whiff from here. Get in there, Norman. Get a big whiff. Come on, man. He's cleaning in. It hurts. Oh, that stings. What are you guys enjoying about that? Give it to Shane. Give it to Shane. He's going in. He's going in. Take it. Get in there, son. Let's go. It hurts so bad. Let's go. Goggles. Get in there like a man. Like a man. Hold on.
I got a little there. Yeah, yeah. I'll get a big one. Theo took a huff the other day. A dab will do you. There you go. You barely got any. Fuck you, Joe. You turned pink. Wow. Ari, get that beak in there. If you can see my eyes, you know I got it. I can tell that when you got it. Get in there, Ari. Get that schnoz to work in. Is this dangerous at all? It's kosher. No, it's good. With that nose. It's kosher. I checked that guy. Here, hand me a beer first.
It's kosher. That guy on that video said it's kosher because I threw it in the ocean. Remember when we could just do blow? Yeah. The old days. God damn. Oh, that was a big one. Oh, he took it. That was a whopper. He took it on the chin. Oh. Brian Simpson still has the best reaction. Brian Simpson took his headphones off and ran out of their building. Pull it up. It's like sour. It's like black people when they laugh or see magic.
Jesus. Or when they're at Walgreens. Or C-Magic. Lock up the deodorant. C-Magic's playing at Kill Tony's Band. Oh, man. That was fun. That'll wake you up, man. You get a hangover? That'll cure it. Oh, yeah. They used to give it to fighters. We're making things way worse. Watch Brian Simpson here. Oh, I can't wait. This is still sealed. Oh, man. The rest of this episode is going to turn into me smelling stuff. Bro, this hurts from here. Oh, man, Joe.
It really is. Brian has no idea yet. The work of the devil. Here we go. Get the camera on him. He didn't even take the headphones off. He just ran away with them on his head. Wow, that's a great impression of his dad. It's still burning. Got the fuck out of there. Nah, Brian's the man. We lost him. Brian is the man. Brian just did a show with me. He was in...
Dallas or San Antonio. That WAP bit is one of the best bits. It doesn't get the credit it deserves. It's one of the best fucking bits I've ever heard in my life. It's such a good bit. No, Wet Ass Pussy. The Wet Ass Pussy song. It goes into the England empire. It's such a good bit. It's long. I'm never having a song about wet pussy. Such a well-crafted bit. It's so good. It's one of those bits where you see and go, that's a piece of art right there.
That's a fucking he takes you on a journey through history. He could really ends it with a bang with jokes all the way through Oh, so you're such a funny guy. He writes but it's like he's he effortlessly kills More than anyone I've ever seen in my life. Effortlessly kills. I think he was high as fuck. We did a... San Antonio's. Think. No, but I know. I was with my. Think. Was he on stage? Yeah. Yeah. So I was, everybody else is like nervous. And then you look over and you see him and he's.
He gets on stage and he's no problem with silence just talking and then killing. Everybody else would get up there and be like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. He's composed. He's great. Such a fun guy, too. Such a good dude to hang out with. Yeah, he's fun. One of the best green room hangs. And when you crack on him, he laughs hard. Yes. That's the key. Like a dude who can take a joke.
Yeah, some guys are really good at dishing them out. I could take a joke, but Ari did not tap me twice. Just for the record. And you whimpered. Oh, I do remember the whimper. You made a noise. I'll remember you. nasty ass jumping in on the deflect. I'll remember you faking you cocksucker. I got right on top. You tried to save me from
Joey Rogi's, but there's nothing we can do. You didn't even notice I was up there. It was like a chihuahua. He's a problem, dude. Yeah, you got some real beef on you. Well, that was a moment where I had to show shame what the fuck was up. Whoa! There was some alpha going on. He got a little crazy with the football stuff. Yeah, but there was no...
I was 100% aware of what was going to happen. There was no part of it. You had a gleam in your eye. With Joe? Yeah, for a second. You're like, I got this guy. He's 4'8". Hold on a second. We've had this conversation. I think every protecto party. I don't know. Every time you two...
They have no clue how life works, and they're like, I think the three of us could take him. I'm the only one every time that says he would literally kill all three of us. I know he would. I'm instigating. I got him in a chokehold. He got him in a chokehold. It's just funsies. It's just funsies. Look at the arms. Look at the tits. Look at the thighs. Weak ass. Compared to a lot of dudes I am. That's the thing. There's a lot of dudes I know that can fucking murder me easy.
See, that's what's uncomfortable about being around the UFC. Yeah, too many murders. Get delusional. I know a 135-pound dude that could fucking take your life. What was up with that last fight where Herb Dean kept calling it. He kept being like, stop, work, work. And you're like.
The O'Malley fight. Yeah, I don't know what was up with that. I don't want to get the guy in trouble. No, I mean, I think he's getting instruction from someone who's telling him to keep the action moving. When fighters go to the ground and they're not doing anything, keep the action moving.
I don't think that's Herb's call. I think someone's directing him. And I think, by the way, I always say Herb is the gold standard. He's as good a referee as ever existed. There's him, there's Mark Goddard, there's a few guys that are right up there. That are like elite of the elite. Like you see them refereeing a fight. Like they're going to handle it. It's going to be perfect. It's just like, you know, it's a tense.
Job yeah, and if people are breathing down your neck saying to keep the fights moving You know what's he said something to the something along the lines of if someone would like me To just let them fight out on the ground no matter what I wish Someone would tell me that. So that means that someone's probably told him to keep the action moving. That sucks. Yeah, they want it to be more entertaining. They hate those fights. You know who probably told him that? That's White. Ah!
He hates a fight like that where there's no action the guy just takes the guy down and hits little punches He hates that shit even if you're winning he wants guys to go for the finish. He wants guys to fucking brawl. He wants it to be exciting
He wants it for them, too. He's like, look, you want to make money in this sport? You've got to leave the fans wanting to see you fight again. And that's true. And the difference between a guy who's a champion who, you know, can make good money versus a guy like Conor McGregor is Conor McGregor...
He gets people excited about seeing him fight. He puts asses in seats. He knocks people unconscious. So when you see that guy fight, you know you're going to see some wild shit. Either he's going to win or he's going to lose, but it's going to be a fucking brawl. This guy's never been in a boring fight in his life. He knows how to promote. Somebody beat up that old guy. That guy didn't really.
Yeah, that guy swallowed that punch, too. Yeah. Well, it was not much of a punch. It was more of a smack. Yeah. I give you a smack. A little smack. Who the fuck is that guy? I give him a smack. That guy you hit probably had a drunk chin. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So like a pub in Dublin. Yeah, a pint. Right. Seven years old. That guy must be. He's been knocked around a million times. Hey, I remember the war. Those Irish people, but they're still fighting.
Bro, I was reading about France in World War I and World War II. France lost 25% of their men in World War I and another 25% in World War II. 25%? 25%. You guys watch the Chamberlain thing on Netflix? It's great. What, Neville? What is it? Yeah, boy.
Wait. Will Chamberlain? No. Yeah, yeah. The British guy. Churchill. Churchill. Oh, what did I say? Chamberlain. Chamberlain. Yeah, but that was the guy before him. Oh, sorry. You figured it out, though. Thank you. You did the Mark Norman math. But, yeah, the Churchill. It's incredible. Ron Howard did it. Yeah. They bombed the shit out of Dresden.
Dresden? Is that right? Yeah. Okay. They just bombed, like, killing civilians, like the IDF. That was Slaughterhouse-Five. That's Kurt Vonnegut. Dresden. That's right. It's a good time. It's kind of crazy when you think about how that was not that long ago. No. These people lost 50% of their men. Wow. Yeah. Fuck, man. Isn't that wild? Fuck. And now we have people doing it again. They're saying, let's do it again.
And they would just bomb London randomly. Hitler was like, oh, you're going to push back on me? Just go blow up buildings in London. They knew the codes. They couldn't say, let's stop this. Bombing because then they'll know we have the codes. Yeah, like try to evacuate the right people the right time Crazy, they were sleeping in the suit in the subway Keep calm and carry on. Yeah, but then FDR Kind of shit on Churchill. Yeah. And then he made friends with Stalin, who was a big fucking liar.
Well, what was the I just watched? You would know this better than the stefano was trying to explain this when him and Giannis were on that Churchill had a wild idea to invade Russia At the end of the war. I think at the end of the war it was Churchill. He recognized the Soviet Union was like a major problem. They got rid of Churchill as soon as the war ended, basically.
He wasn't a peacetime guy. He lost after that. Even after he won the war, he lost the new election. Because he wanted to fire it up again. He wanted to fire it up again. I think Patton was ready to go. Yeah. Into the Soviets. And Eisenhower. There was a lot of people that went, yeah. It's Batman v Superman. They're like, you can't allow this guy unchecked. You can't allow Russia unchecked. Operation Unthinkable.
Two related possible future war plans developed by the British Chiefs of Staff Committee against the Soviet Union during 1945. The plans were never implemented. The creation of the plans was ordered by British Prime Minister Winston Churchill in May 1945. and developed by the British Armed Forces joint planning staff in May of 1945, the end of World War II in Europe.
One plan assumed a surprise attack on the Soviet Union or Soviet forces stationed in Germany to impose the will of the United States and the British Empire upon Russia. The will was qualified as a square deal for Poland, but added that does not.
necessarily limit the military commitment the assessment signed by the chief army staff on 9th june 1945 concluded it would be beyond our power to win a quick but limited success and we would be committed to a protracted war against The code name was now reused instead for a second plan, which was a defensive scenario.
Don't throw it. Don't throw it. Don't do it. Defend a Soviet drive towards North Sea and Atlantic Ocean. Withdraw American forces from the continent. Jesus, that's fucking terrified. That's terrifying. These motherfuckers love war. Oh, yeah. That's their business. Soviet Union was evil. Well, also, they lost a lot of people during the war, and they were a little bitter about that. And they knew they were about to get the nuke.
Oh, yeah. And it was like, now America's the only one with the nuke. And they got a bunch of those rocket scientists from the fucking Nazis as well. And if we get it done now, we're the only ones that ever have the nuke. Right.
The crazy thing was the rocket science. They're like, listen, listen, listen. I know you're a Nazi, but who knows? We need it. We don't care. Come on over. What's the lady that wrote the... Jacobson? Annie Jacobson? Ann Rice. I just listened to... and rice i just wrote the i just listened to the paperclip book and it's terrifying terrifying the nuclear one's the scariest the nuclear one's the terrifying one
operation paperclip is crazy too because she delves deep into those things but the nuclear one is like oh my god this is the russian version of it Ooh, a secret Soviet operation in which more than 2,500 German specialists, scientists, engineers, technicians who worked in several areas from companies and institutions relevant to military and economic policy in the Soviet occupation zone.
Germany and Berlin, as well as around 4,000 more family members, totally more than 6,000 people, were taken from former Nazi Germany as war reparations to the Soviet Union. War reparations. Humans. Yikes. It took place in the early morning hours of October 26th. 1946 when MVD previously NKVD and Soviet army units
under the direction of Soviet military administration in Germany, headed by Ivan Serov, rounded up German scientists and transported them by rail to the USSR. Ooh. By rail. Wow. Yikes. They didn't have any use for this. Much related equipment.
was also moved the aim being to literally transplant research and production research centers as well as a v2 rocket center of middle work from Germany to the Soviet Union and collect as much material as possible from test centers such as a Luftwaffe Center, Central Military Aviation Test Center at, say that word, what's that word? Erpro Bungstel. Erpro Bungstel Recklin. Recklin. Taken by the Red Army on 2nd of May, 1945. Fuck.
What type of German goes and works for the goddamn Soviets? Nazis. They're just taken away. Say what you will about national socialism, but at least it's an ethos. Good point. You're going to get in trouble. No, that's from the Big Lebowski. Oh, okay. Is that what's from? Some cubes in here? The CIA guys? Ice cubes? Please. There's ice in there. Poured it into his glass Drop it back in now disgusting
Pervert. There we go. You got a few. We'll get some more. Sniff these. Hey, I'm scared. Okay. The whole fucking... Nazi scientist thing is wild. They just accepted those guys. You go to Alabama, it's all brawn. That guy brawn built everything out there. It was like gold. Like golden land.
That kind of thinking was too important. We need the gold. We need the Nazis. Bring the scientists over. What town is that in Alabama? It's got a club there. Huntsville. Huntsville. That's it. It's all Nazi now. It's all Nazi. It's hilarious. It's like Nazis and black people. That's it.
It's quite a town. Yeah, it's an urban club in the middle of the smartest. Every single comedian that goes there must do the same joke. I did it. I did it. I was like, you guys have fucking nasty, you fucking southern fucking morons. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, rocket's going up. I know. I got 10 minutes out of that. How about that one, they had that rocket factory in Florida that was run by a Satanist?
What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. An open Satanist. They're in the middle of the whole fucking rocket development program. Yeah, this guy was, he ran this place that's now like one of those haunted places where people go to visit. And if you go there, there's like spray.
All over the place and like devil signs and shit. Oh nice people have gone there and like tried to find ghosts Jack Parsons. So this guy Oh, yeah, this guy was like literally one of the fucking main rocket Are there any cults that aren't sex cults?
Guys are so horny. So horny. Practiced the occult and led a sex cult. He was also one of history's most important rocket scientists. There you go. Is that the first time? Fucking freaks. Fucking whack off, you idiot. Well, let the guy cook. Let him cook. Let him cook. These brilliant people are all twisted. Back then. Look at Diddy. Back then, all those scientists were getting crazy pussy. They were all wild freaks. They were...
banging their graduate students. Oppenheimer. Oh, yeah, they were all banging everybody. That whole movie, just fucking every other scientist's wife. That's true. I thought we've already done it. We did wife, yeah. Dude, do it again.
He was a good look for the Hebs. Yeah, yeah, he did well. Killed a lot of people. Killed a lot of people. Great job. Did a lot of fucker. Great job. And Feynman fucked a lot too, right? Fucked a lot of Asians. Look at you. I think Feynman was into pussy too. They were all chasing tail. They were having fun. Dudes like pussy. Well, that was the thing about scientists. Never. They were like rock stars back then. Yeah, well, I don't know about Einstein. Well, he was a little old. That's fine.
But yeah, he was a little old. That was part of why those guys wanted to be famous. Sure. They wanted to be intellectually famous and be the big man on campus that all the ladies loved. It's still happening now. It's still happening now. All these guys become... All the scientists? Elon's got a lineup. He's got 74 children. They just weren't fucking because they couldn't. And now that they can have Instagram accounts, they're fucking. Yeah, they're probably fucking.
Oh, yeah. Neil deGrasse is up Uranus. A lot of black holes. Oh, jeez. Quasars. There we go. Put a ring on it, Saturn. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. No, that sucks. I've been drinking. So when you saw these drones, did they make any noise? Not really. They were so high up. But how can you tell how big it was? It was really high up. I mean, it was pretty fucking big. You couldn't miss it. And they were fast as shit, too. Really? If you missed it, you missed it. Wow. Yeah. And it looked like a UFO.
It looked like an SUV with lights on it on the bottom and propellers. What was the shape of it? Kind of a... Sorry. A little semen. Like a... You know, kind of like a rectangular, black rectangular with lights on it. And you could see the propellers? Oh, yeah. Wow. But they were quick. They were moving. The thing about these things is they're able to stay up in the sky for five hours at a time. Five hours? The only guy, my nephew, was bar mitzvah in 30 minutes.
Yeah, that's most of the ones that we have in America. What? The drone. That's that fucking freedom bomb. I got your ass. I'll do another one. become a legend fucking bizarre that that kind of just went away well Trump said he's gonna say what they were
But then it kind of fizzled. Just say it. Well, he said they know what they are. And when I get into office, it's one of the first things that I'm going to disclose to the American people. Yeah. What do you think it is? I heard they're missing weapons. What? I heard that.
I heard that one. They were scanning the sky. They were looking for a radioactive signal. There was some guy that was a drone manufacturer in America. We played his video. And he was saying that they do have the capability to look for gamma radiation and that there was a new...
nuclear warhead that was unaccounted for. Yes. And that they were worried that someone slipped it into the country. But that's, we've been diving down that rabbit hole. It doesn't seem like that makes sense. All of them be doing that. And why not just say that's what they're doing? Yeah. I don't know.
Because then people would freak out. I always go with that mass hysteria reason. I never buy it. Well, here's the other thing. If they don't have to tell you, why would they tell you? They don't want to. Because it just makes more work for them. And this isn't mass hysteria? I guess it's not. It's not. Yeah, just minor hysteria. No one really cares. There's so many things going on simultaneously. I'm sure it's something else.
There's two fucking wars. There's a ship blowing up in Syria. Things are happening left and right. Syria, they lost their government. Oh my God. That guy fled like Ellen. Did he die? They killed him, right? We're trying to figure out if his plane blew up. We heard his plane blew up.
His plane blew up, and then we heard it didn't. Did you see this clip with Nancy Mace? His plane went off the radar. No, what is the clip? Talking with Tim Pool. She says that they're going to do disclosure and that there's two kinds that they...
that they don't know what it is. Well, click on that shit because this is Shane's girl. He loves her. Oh, she is pretty. Unexplained. What's the company? Full screen. It's a government agency that investigates UAPs. They investigate a lot of other things as well, but they'll be doing this.
I am told this starting this year. Oh, and all my senators in a gamer chair. That's where you know things are good. And they will explain how they've been debunked. I've been briefed on this. And then some of the ones that are unexplained, they will also release to the public. I didn't know what the hell that meant. What did she say on this one? Classified information you can't talk. Is that...
That's interesting. Why are you skipping ahead? Because they're giving their idea on what they think it is. Mark Gagnon? Okay, let me hear what she says. The government is going to start putting out some of the information on which ones are... that they have debunked and how they debunked them. Because I think...
That information would give more trust in the process, too, with the government, because I don't trust them. I don't trust, at this point, any government agency, because we've been lied to for so long by all of them. But then while they do that, they're also going to release information on what is unexplained. What's the company?
Arrow, it's a government agency that investigates UAPs. They investigate a lot of other things as well, but they'll be doing this, I am told, starting this year, starting over the next couple months, start releasing information on videos and photos that they have debunked, and they will explain how they've been.
debunked. I've been briefed on this. And then some of the ones that are unexplained, they will also release to the public. So I think that's a great first step in some transparency. Have you ever met any of the Arrow? Beautiful eyes. Isn't it interesting, though, that a congresswoman can go on an internet show and say, I don't trust anybody in the government now, and everybody's like, right, right. That shit never happened before. I know, but now it's like, I don't...
You can't be saying that. You're the government. But here's the thing. But she's a representative. She's not someone in the deep state. She's not someone working for the military-industrial complex, right? But you never saw that on any television show in the past. Meet the Press would never say that. Not a chance.
It's in hell. They would edit it out. And the congressperson would never do it. They would never say that. The world is fucking... I don't trust government agencies. The world's fucking different. It's fucking different now. Yeah, well, she's on a podcast.
Politicians are on podcasts. It's all kooky. Well, it's probably millions of people watching her on Timcast. Oh, for sure. Versus, you know, you go on CNN, you get five minutes, and 35,000 people are watching it. Right. That's real. Those are real numbers. Damn. Yeah, it's it's the world has fucking changed. It's flipped and then this time around here's what's really crazy So many people are trying to go to the inauguration
Like, everybody wants to go there. Really? Yeah. Celebrities want to go there. Business people want to go there. It's a totally different vibe. Because they don't want to take pictures? It's not. Let's think about going with AB.
That would be the best guy to go with. Best Twitter follow out there. Cracker of the year. Let's go. Best Twitter follower out there. Easily. Hilarious. Yeah, Jamie told me about him first. I was like, what? It's as funny as it gets. He's fucking hilarious. He's supporting the Irish quite a bit.
Is that right? How do you feel about that, J-Mo? Well, that C-T-E-S-P-N shit is hilarious. Whatever you need. I mean, as long as it's not Lex Watson. Are you guys betting or not? I'll bet him a hundred bucks. You gotta bet a thou. Jamie, a hundred bucks? Let's go higher. Yeah! You got the cash arena? Come on, tires. That's tires. You look a little nervous. I'm not nervous. You look like when Ari was choking you. It's the same look. You got to be able to reuse them with this.
You have to. This is going to keep rolling. We've got to find a fresh one. You've got to grab them wherever they are. Yeah. They're like Pokemons. No, I'm not nervous. Go, Ash. There you go. So what do you think? All right, Jaymo.
It's going to be a good game. It's going to be a great game. Let's do five. Jamie, 500? Five even. You guess? No, no, no. You've got to do it. You guys have no idea how much of an advantage he has. It's not money. It's something embarrassing. But you make way more than him, so we've got to even it out. I mean, he's... Yeah, but he doesn't spend it on any video games. He makes a hundred grand a year. He intentionally bought a dog that doesn't eat a lot. J-Mo's frugal. Yeah, J-Mo.
He's got that money saved. He's not frugal at you. He's got a nice car, you piece of shit. What, you got a Tesla? I got a Hyundai from 1987. That's us. Did Lex get that movie? That plaid. Wexner? He got that plaid. What's his name? I know. Les Wexner? Westchester. Ari, how come you still haven't bought a nice car? Why are you hurting my feelings? It's in New York. Why are you hurting my feelings? When I get out of New York, I will. Come and move here so you can get a car. Done.
Get a space laser. If I buy you a car, will you drive it? Oh, yeah. Okay. Your special comes out. Yeah, my special's out today. If you move here, I'll buy you a dope car. What's it called? You two? Hold on a second. Hold on. You make more money than him. Yeah, you make a lot more than me. Hold on a minute. You make more money than him. Well, I helped you pick out your car.
I told that fucking salesman to shut the fuck up. I'm like, let me sell this shit. You pick that white thing out? I love that car. It hugs you when you make turns. Oh, that car's so beautiful. It gives you a nice hug that your father never gives you. He got the Mercedes S-Class. It is a beautiful vehicle. Oh, that's a Nazi car. It's an amazing vehicle.
True. It's so well engineered. When you're in that thing, you just float over the bumps. It's nice. It's such a good car. It's nice. We've done it before. We've done it before. You've got to keep going. Pokemon cars. Take them when they have them. Look at that. Wow. Why'd you do it in that jungle? Well, there was all these empty fucking... Where were you? This is outrageous that you did this. Tell everybody out there in the public.
You're an asshole for this. How much did you spend on plants? How much did you spend on plants? You're frugal, my dick. $85,000. You spent $85,000 on those plants? That's insane. It was a bargain. I like it, though, dude. It's a total new look. Original. yeah dude i love it better be funny
Oh, it's not funny. If you bum in a jungle, what are you, Vietnamese? Does it have anything to do with the theme of what you're talking about? He's in the shit. Oh, nice. I saw it last night at the creek. You have the best backgrounds. You did the candles and you laughed. Oh, that's right. Yeah, my backgrounds are boring as shit. Great background, bad jokes. Good backgrounds. That's what you want to be known for. I think we can all agree the worst background was Aziz.
When he had that background sideways, we could see people walking around the background. See people walking around. Spike Jonze directed it. They tried to get wacky. They filmed him from the side where you could see the people mulling around backstage. Imagine performing too. with someone's in your face and the crowd has to see a guy circling you with a camera. With a steady cam. You have to ignore it. Yuck.
Yuck. Anyway, my new special's out right now, America's Sweethearts on Netflix, everybody. No diss on Aziz. I like Aziz. It's not that. It's just like filming it like that. Why would you do that? Aziz is cool. That fucking R. Kelly bit, that R. Kelly bit is a banger. His R. Kelly bit. I don't know that one. Oh, it's great. It's like his early days, like when he's first popping. Okay, great bit. It's great bit about in the closet the whole fucking in the closet video series, which is
You ever see him singing in jail? No. He looks like he's having a good old time in jail. They all love that R. Kelly's in there with him. He's singing with these dudes. Oh, hell yeah. Well, P. Diddy's in there now. It's basically the barbershop. Just having a good time with some fellas. You know, Luigi's in the same jail as P. Diddy. No. That's crazy. Olive oil meets baby oil. Blah! How many panties does Luigi get in the mail? Oh, I sent one. Ask me how many beers I've had.
Hold on. Hey, Shane, how many beers have you had? That's five. Yeah. I didn't see it. I just didn't look in your eyes. I was waiting for it. Whatever lead you need, I'll give it to you. Guess when you thought it was over? No. Let's go on the whole run. You've got to set some of them up if you want to keep it rolling. I'm going to get another beer. This joke has to come out before I get another one. It's a chess move. I don't even want any ice. I just wanted to say it. That's ice.
How's the border looking? That's ice. That's ice. Yeah, think about being like hiding. They'd be like, shit, there's spotlights of one guy going, that's ice. You see the one guy that they arrested in California? He had a blowtorch in his hand. Jesus Christ. The neighbors arrested him. The neighbors grabbed him. They called the cops. They arrest the guy, and then they let him go. Damn. There's no evidence that he was doing it. I read they didn't let him go. He just didn't get charged with arson.
Because he didn't do it yet. He had a fucking blowtorch in his hand. Well, he was an illegal. Is this guy the guy that had been deported already? And came back in? That was the guy who lit the lady on fire on the subway. That's right. He kept coming in and out. Yeah, he had been deported. The fact that the guys that are doing this are illegal immigrants, it's very funny to work your way the whole way to get here.
And then just set a lady on fire. Well, you're acting like it's hard to get in here. It's pretty hard to fucking get in here. For some people, but I think a lot of people are just... Well, how many people died in the Palisades fire? And that was arson. 100? 200? Instead charged with felony probation violation. Her? Investigation remains active. No, that's a lady. Oh, she's Choi. Could be Choi. Dominic? Dominic Choi? Is her name Dominic?
Dominique no, it's not that's I think that's a lady citizens arrest, so she made the citizens Rasputin Renata Cramp Granada. Bro. They've got video of people lighting the fires. They've got video from the sky. Are these copycats now? Everyone's just trying to do it? I don't know if it's organized or not because the way they're doing it is very clever. So they're doing it in the correct...
place that you would start a fire if you wanted the wind to blow straight through the palisades it doesn't it's not like an idiot who just lights a fire that's like near it they're writing a fire with the wind blowing the exact direction and they did it in specific strategic locations if it's
all arson. It was done very strategically. Because the way it burned through the city, the fucking videos are insane. The way it lights up on a hill, it just goes so fast. There's 100 mile an hour winds, Ari. Like trucks fell over on the highway. You see the highway? People were driving by the highway and there was fucking 18 wheelers just tipped over all over the place. Yikes. Yeah, that's how bad the wind was. This one says the guy, he said he was trying to smoke weed.
Oh, yeah, with a blowtorch. That's how they do it now. I heard it was a butane torch. He couldn't afford a lighter. Hey, buddy, a blowtorch is more expensive than a fucking lighter. I didn't see it. It wasn't a blowtorch, but it was like a... Imagine you say you couldn't afford a lighter. It's pretty great. Go to a restaurant and get lighters for free. Or just light it off a house. No, you need a torch to do dabs.
If you're a dabs guy, you need a torch. He's a dabber? He's coming from Mexico to dab in America? Well, Louis is from Puerto Rico. That's America. Yeah, good point. Sort of. It's America where you don't pay taxes and you can't vote. Oh, shit. Yeah, a lot of guys go over there. You know, that's the scam. That's like the Peter Schiff scam. You go over there. If you live there like 51% of the time or whatever it is, like there's some number, you don't pay taxes.
So you don't pay federal income taxes, and you can't vote. Is that why the Paul brothers are chilling? Oh, yeah. Big Buckeye fans. Yeah. You got a lot of them. Yeah, that's why they go over there. They go over there for tax reasons. Oh.
It's like a Swiss bank. Peter Schiff talked about it on my podcast, and a bunch of fellas hopped on that bandwagon. He was like, ooh, nice, I'll do that. Yeah, because he was explaining why you should do it. That's kind of why we're in Texas. That's kind of why we're in Texas. Yeah, but Texas has very high property. Yeah. You wind up paying. That's why you rent. You wind up paying. Yeah. If you want to rent, you can do it. Yes. Florida, no income.
Yeah, too. Same too. Oh, really? No income tax. What? Yeah, but we're saying that like property tax. No. Why the fuck do you think we all mean? Yeah, that was the reason. Oh, I thought you just loved Tony. Yeah. You want flying cockroaches? Flying cockroaches. They have those here? Yeah. And there's a lot of Christians here. That's Christ. Yeah!
Good to have you back. The guy you killed. Bro, right when we thought we were over. That's Christ is great. That's a classic. Now I'm upset that I haven't got one in. Come on, Robo. You've got to think. I plan ahead. There's not a lot of those words left. Yeah, start rhyming. I was watching this video with this lady who is in the middle of surgery and she gets a call from United Health
seeing if the person who is undergoing surgery needs to stay over. Why does a person need to stay in the hospital? She's in the middle of doing surgery, and she does this video. She goes, okay, I was just in the middle of surgery. I had to stop, scrub down, take off my stuff, answer the phone because UnitedHealth was trying to figure out if the person who I'm operating on.
right now needs to stay why they need to stay in the hospital they can't just get an assistant to do it they just try to you insurance is out this is why i don't have any well here's the thing about the palisades The Palisades is going to be crazy because a bunch of those insurance companies, they stopped fire insurance. They all bailed off. Exactly. Yeah.
So it's like, how many of those houses are ever going to get rebuilt? Who has the money? Well, the Hiltons. So they'll be bailed out to still be crooked? Well, here's what's probably going to happen. A bunch of people are going to step in and offer them pennies on the dollar for the land because they don't have anything anymore and no one wants to be there anymore and you can't afford to rebuild. There's going to be a ton of people that can't rebuild.
Yeah. Take the money that you get insurance and just get out. So let's say you rebuild. You spend a few million dollars to build a fucking house there, and then you can't get fire insurance on that house. And then next year it happens again. What if it happens again? It happened in 2018.
It happened just six years ago. Remember those crazy videos where they're going up to 405 and it looked like Armageddon? I heard a lot of it was because the last two years was so flush. They called off the drought in LA for the first time in 20 years. And they go, so there was so much shrug rate. That died. Those died. And then now that's all like burning.
Yeah. Well, they didn't clean it up. Right. They didn't clean it up, and the fucking reservoir was empty. And then the utilities don't help. The reservoir, like 11 million gallons, was just sitting there empty. Damn. The whole thing is so mismanaged and so insane. And then on top of that, arson. And then also those wins. And the way they deal with crime. The people, it's climate change. The fucking climate hasn't changed since 1877. They've never had wet. We got good rain.
two years it filled up everything and they were like great the drought is over scientists called the drought over in LA for the first time since I've lived there I remember that and it was like nice and then that made a new problem they didn't do anything well here's the thing about raining when it rains then it means more vegetation
So then when it dries up after the rain, you're extra fucked because now you have extra dry shit. Get a two-month dry period, you're fucked. Yeah, dude, I got evacuated three times. Wow. I've been there. Yeah, I've been there where the fucking two houses in front of my house burnt to the ground. My neighbor's house survived.
I'll survive. But on our street, there was like four or five houses that were gone. Dude, I was in Cuba when they had to evacuate people. Me and Bobby there. Hurricane came. It was so orderly. Really? They had... Three people rushed to the hospital. That was the only – a pregnant lady and two old people. That was the only problem they had. And these are hobbles. But these are hobbles. The Red Cross goes door to door, says, you come, you come, let's go. And everyone just goes. Red Cross does it.
I think so. That's what he said. In Cuba. Maybe I'm wrong. I think so. Interesting. But then they just go door to door. Like, let's go. But they've already mapped out which ones have to be evacuated. Like, you're going to a gymnasium. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Everybody's completely forgotten about North Carolina.
I know. They got 750. This is the thing about the Epstein Island, Trump assassination attempts, like everything. It just goes away. The fucking news cycle is so fast now. I know. It's our brains are gathered. It's so tick-tocked. We're all TikTok down. We've got TikTok brain. Who Elon said he might buy, which...
You got too many things, Elon. Take a breather. Let's fucking go. Let them buy it. Wow, that's a lot of platforms, Elon. I love these circular ones. You want a circular one? Yes, please. It is nice. Here we go, baby. Let me touch it because you touched the ice. Yeah, we don't have any attention span anymore. It's fine. Jeez. Yeah, well, how about the lesbian running that fire department? Yeah, she's doing a great job of being a lesbian. That's Dyke. Oh, he got one in! He got one in!
How did I not get that Joe when it gets in your head sit on it. I'm gonna be ready. Yeah, yeah, I'm a leash Like when there's a heckler and you're like, oh. Wait till they say something again. I got something. You're going to get one while you're commentating. Do one. We're supposed to commentate. That's right. I'll do it. We might not even have the fights in LA next weekend
Oh, they're supposed to be there? Yeah, Dana's talking about maybe moving it to Vegas if the fires get worse. He said right now we're still scheduled to be in Los Angeles, but if the fires get worse, they'll move it to...
They moved the Rams? Yeah. Did they? Rams playoff game. When was that? Oh, that's right. Two State Farm. I was wondering why the fuck they said that. Two State Farm Stadium. Yeah. What day was that? What day was it supposed to be? Tonight? This past under? Tonight. Oh, yeah. So this is all a conspiracy. So here, we're doing this. it's monday today's monday the fights are saturday so we don't know also like
Just move it. Right. Just move it. Just move it. They're going through shit. Yeah. And I'm sure some people want the vice, but also like, dude, they're dealing with shit right now. Yeah. Yeah. There's no one there. Also, if you're going to move it, move it now so people can get hotel rooms and all that shit because you got to go to Vegas.
Can't be there anyway. You got to get flights. You might get kicked off like Khabib. Vegas and Utah and San Diego are about to get an influx of people. Oh, they're coming. San Diego R2. I bet a lot of people are going to rethink it. Yeah, people got to rethink a lot of things right now. San Diego underrated. What do you mean underage? This place is the best. It's the best. This gets lost in the SoCal argument they always talk about. It's a great town. L.A. weather without the...
I thought about abandoning L.A. and going down to San Diego. I was like, they have the fucking comedy store in La Jolla. I could work out of there. Norman's going to be there. I'm doing my special in San Diego later. San Diego's the best. Great comedy town. Yeah. Good people. First place I ever did an arena. Good burritos. Oh. Good burritos. Great Mexican food. We did a 420 show there, and I was like, can we do an arena? The first place I ever did an arena. Wow.
Nice. It's a great fucking town. It's also a military town, too, so people are like a little bit more fucking, they got their shit together. Right. Yeah, there's no acting. There's no auditions. They're so oddly conservative. They had to sue the city to get medical dispensaries open.
Jesus Christ. Whoa. Yeah, they're like, if it is medical, you have to provide a couple of these. That's so ridiculous. And all the Christians and the conservatives are like, we don't want this here. Well, it's the military. They don't want all the soldiers getting hammered, fucked up on hash.
fucking machine gun in the wrong plane. That's what they're worried about, reefer madness. They're worried about the propaganda they distributed themselves. Well, when you've got a bunch of people who don't get high talking about... What happens when you get high? You got problems. But they got it, though. Yeah, they got it. Okay. Yeah. New York's got mushrooms. You see that? That's crazy. On the ballot? No, we sell mushrooms legally now. That's wild. Yeah, they're at bodegas.
Not legally. You get over those people getting lit on fire. There's packaging on mushrooms. It's crazy. They're not trying to hide it. It's about to be legal. The way they're packaging it, nobody's concerned. So it's not legal? No. Oh, is that? No. Well, these bodegas are going for it. Yeah, but also the bodegas that sell...
weed that they can't. They go, hey, do you have any marijuana? They go, wait here, I'll come right back. And they go next door. Like, that's not legal. But it's great. They're hiding them in the fucking basement with the Jews. They were hiding my citrus skull in Queens. When the Jews have their tunnels? Oh, really?
Oh, yeah, that's what they put up. They're making dispensaries. That's the best place to make mushrooms. That's true. Did you see that Kingpin show? It's humid. You see that Kingpin show? Penguin. Sorry. Penguin. Penguin's in there. Penguin's good. Penguin's great. Colin Farrell. Fucking amazing. Hard to believe that's him. One of yours. You ever see him talking in an Irish accent with the fucking suit on? Yeah. He's thanking everybody.
Thank you for a fucking great show. It is kind of sad. That's how scared we are making a new show that we're like, this is tied to Batman, but it has nothing to do with Batman. We have to get him in with the Batman. I think it'll eventually have something to do with Batman because at the end of it, spoiler alert, remember they throw up the bat.
Yeah. End of the show. Yeah. Fucking dark series though, huh? Great, great, great time. Great. Like, you would think, like, I'm not watching a show about the pain. Is it one or two? Exactly. Yeah. But he's so good that it carries on. How many is this for you? This is my first one. No, you did one before. No. Oh, okay. I'll get back to it. Were you trying to get that twice again? No, a different one. It's a different one. After he gets this down, we're going to ask him more about that bet, Jamie.
Ooh, J-Mo's very confident with this moolah. This is great. This is the life. He should be confident. He's a fucking eight and a half point favorite. That's crazy. How's it like working for Bud Light? Are you enjoying it? I enjoy it. Bud Light. Fuck. That's the easiest one. That's a fucking super easy one. Bud Light. No, it's been awesome. Those guys rule. Yeah, you brought Bud Light back. You really did. Bud Light's okay again. I never left, bro. Kid Rock drank a Bud Light on this podcast.
It's over. We gotta get Dylan Mulvaney on here. Let's hear her side of it. Is it true that that person became a man again? I have no idea. I genuinely don't know. That was a TikTok thing. Is that right? I don't know. It's going to happen. I mean, if... Who knows? Fucking Zuckerberg made that transition. She will. She's next. Give me a beer. Absolutely, buddy. Thanks, brother.
Yeah, they must love these shows. I mean, this is a giant commercial. Honestly, I think that's how it happened. Oh, for sure. Coming on here with Joe. Yeah, and Joe being like, if you go back to the first couple, Joe's sitting there going, Bud Light should sponsor you. Yeah, that's right. Think about the amount of millions of people that have seen you drink 50 Bud Lights in a show. Bud Light gave me a commercial once. Responsibly. Bud Light gave me a commercial once. I had to play a carpenter.
which even though it fits, doesn't fit. Jesus Christ. And I was like, hey, I'm not right for this. I play like HR guys. And they go, we had a massive campaign with Carlos Mencia and we felt bad and we want to just give you money. I know they lost I don't know everybody's drinking or not I did a comedy tour
with Charlie Murphy and John Heffron that was a Bud Light tour. Oh, there you go. Back in the day. Bud Light. Oh, yeah. It's Ari Shavir. Oh, Jesus. That's propaganda. Look at this fucking guy. Why not have overalls on? I'm a carpenter.
That's hilarious. This is back when you could have white people in a commercial. He said he would give me a Bud Light if I carpeted the house, and I went nuts. There's no trans people at all in that commercial? No, no interracial couple. Nothing? What are you doing to the ceiling? what was that i put carpet in the ceiling i wanted bud light so bad it's horrible it was bad it really was reparations i guess so hilarious i was like i've done a bunch of these this one doesn't make sense
Yeah, but hey. That is so hilarious. That was back when they paid moolah. Big bucks for the commercial. It was not bad. Kept me in business for a while. Mailbox money. Ari was getting in business for a long time by winning poker tournaments. No way. You play? Yeah. Hollywood Park. When Ari, frugal Ari. Back in the day, like when he was making money, like he started making money playing poker.
But Ari was super successful with these fucking poker titles. I found out a key secret that Mexicans that get drunk on payday are not the best statisticians. Secret of the pros. But you would play like it was a job.
Oh, yeah, I'd get in there. Also, once I was just starting to get high, I could see through people. Man, you're like a vampire. You've had nine lives. Yeah, when I'm high, I just see it. You see the fear. I just know what you have. I just know. I wasn't good, like, you know, real pros, but. Yeah. You can fill those guys off by sucking. Dude, I read a book of Poker Tales once. I was in the World Series. Cashed World Series main event. Did you really? Yeah.
Some guy was playing against a pro. And so there's 5,000 people in there. And you're playing a pro. Everyone knows that's a legit guy. And I just read this Mike Caro's book of poker tales, which is hilarious because there's a whole section on race. That's a whole section on race, which doesn't apply.
anymore but it's in there and one was if you look at someone's chips that's because you have a strong hand and you're looking at those chips like those are going to be mine this is good stuff was bluffing knew that guy knew that tell And as I was bluffing, I just glanced at his chips real quick to give him a fake tell. And he's like, nah. He read me, but he didn't read me. Well done. So you did, you faked him out. You double faked him. And did you win? I cashed.
How much? It probably won like five, six, seven grand. I don't know. I was up a lot. Yeah, for sure. That's fun, though, that you pulled that off. This is crazy. You can win like 15 grand. If you want a commerce tournament, you can win like 15 grand. It kept me... And then you had to get a walk to the car. Is there an advantage to having a little performative? Like you could be performative. Yeah, people talk a lot. They're bluffing. The white dudes who bet back at you, just get out.
They're just looking to play. Right. They don't want to take chances unless they have it. Leave them alone. how about that interesting yeah bravado is like look like hey man are you gonna call or not oh yeah now what was that you go the shades did you say that to them do you talk shit to them no I just called and then just knew it do you ever talk shit
No, not there. No, really? I'd just be happy. I'd just be fun. Talking shit is an extra element. Talking shit at a poker table is crazy. Dude, me and Lawrence R, my agent, we were playing in the World Series, and there's big breaks every five hours. You could go for an hour.
go have whatever. And I'm like, fuck, we're both complaining about bad beats. I'm like, fuck, this fucking sucks. This guy called me all the way down to the river, hit a two on the river. Fuck him. Right then, one of those guys in a wheelchair, those all heads, you know, he wheels by and we're like, this fucking sucks.
That looks pretty good. Things are all right. Things are okay. All heads. That's my insurance. America's Sweethearts on Netflix right now. Messages like that. $80,000 in plants. $85,000 in plants. I never want to hear you talking about fuck. How much did the candles cost? The candles cost less! 5,000 candles. One for what? A dollar a candle? It was a lot. They're all a lot. I don't have kids. How much did the candles cost?
I remember being less. We were spending more than the fucking candles. Man. Really? You had audience plants. But the candles, you've got to keep redoing, too. So you have to hire handlers. And then they burned out faster than we thought when the AC was on. There were 24-hour candles. She tested them. It was like, 24 hours, you're fine. And then...
In the room, AC was on. They turned into four-hour candles. And we had to source 5,000 candles overnight on a Saturday. Whoa. Man. What's with you guys and candles? What's with you guys and Nobel Prizes? Constantly setting the curve. What's it with Germans and engineering? Why? What's the reason for that? Why were they so good? Yeah, why that?
I think they have no fun over there. They're all business. Their cars are great. You think it's a meth thing? They're all doing meth, right? Well, their porn is weird, too. That's weird to guess this I found this out today. What's the number one city in the country for drug abuse?
Drug abuse? Wait, per capita or totals? Yeah, yeah. Like totals, like percentage of people that are abusing drugs. But major city. Otherwise it's going to be some minor town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going Salt Lake City. Nope. That's a big one, though. A lot of meth there. It's going to blow you away. Hold on. Let's all guess. It's going to be some... Springfield, Missouri. Nope. Montpelier.
Nope. Phoenix. Coke and meth. They were talking about Coke and meth. They were talking about the percentage of the population that does Coke and meth. I thought you meant like degenerate drug addicts. Well, apparently it's because that's the trafficking route where the coke comes across the border. Right. Because, you know, it probably comes through the bottom of Arizona and shoots through Phoenix and everybody gets coked up in Scottsdale.
Yeah. They got a lot of money out there. Oh, they love Coke out there. Oh, yeah. Well, Coke makes you forget about herpes. Like, who cares? Yeah. We have Coke. She's got Coke and herpes? Like, good. I only have herpes. Those cougars out there, they're all in golf carts and fucking dentists with fake tits. It's a great place to be divorced. You want to get divorced and you want to party? Open carry, too. Yeah, but let's fucking go. You want someone out of the house.
Free wings. Let's go. Yeah. This is nice. It's a fun place. It's desert, though. That's a nice idea. They don't have any comedy clubs, though. Phoenix does. Phoenix does. Yeah, Scottsdale is one, though. Do they? Omaha ranked as the worst city for drug use through the United States. Oh, come on. This weighted system? What's the weighted system? Highest drug rate?
They had Phoenix at the top for cocaine. Yeah. Take cocaine out. Just put heroin in meth. Yeah, heroin was Omaha. Go to the numbers. Go back up. It didn't have numbers. Cocaine is bad, by the way. See, this is what I'm talking about. Scrolling out. People have used meth. Hold on. Jamie, just go to that chart, make it bigger. Phoenix, number one. 15%. Let's see what it says.
See what it says? This is what it is. It's number one. It's Phoenix. This is whites. Populations that have used meth. Wow, that's just... Meth and cocaine. That's whites. Isn't that crazy? 15%. We got that already. 1,500... We're three hours in. We're repeating. 63 people. and 15% of them are doing meth. That's wild.
That's wild. That's a lot of people doing meth. Meth is good. It works. 15% of them. There's people listening to this on meth right now. Look at substance use estimated by Citi. Number one, Albuquerque. Marijuana. Oh, yeah. Oh, alphabetical?
Look at this. 61% marijuana. What's the lowest percentage of marijuana users? Look at Denver. 64%. Look at all the percentage of marijuana. It's so crazy. Everywhere it's like 60 plus percent. San Fran. 54. That's low? That's ridiculous. They're lying. What? San Fran's lying. No way. Omaha's up there. Literally no way. Do not trust. They're lower than Wichita? Shut the fuck up. Zero chance. It's San Fran. They're known for it. Virginia Beach, 61%.
San Francisco 54. Fuck off. This data is bullshit. You ever done it? You ever done meth? No. Oh, dude. Didn't you do it accidentally once? Yeah, you clean. What's it like? You start cleaning things? Yeah, but it makes you really horny. It just heightens everything. Really paranoid, really horny, really... You want to do shit. It's like Adderall. Is it the same as Adderall? Do you have the same feeling? Yeah, but it's times a thousand. A thousand? Maybe not a thousand. Times a hundred.
Whoa. Yeah, it's a good time. What's this? Makes ballplayers immortal? What is this? Oh, it's called Greenies. What? Greenies. Yeah, they did an outlaw until 2006. Is that the doc? It's some form. I had to look at some form of, like, meth and Adderall. What's his name?
It's called Dexedrine. Oh, yeah. On acid? Throwing the no-hit on acid? Oh, that was acid. Wasn't that like he didn't know that he was going to have to play? Yeah. And he was tripping balls, so he just showed up on acid? Doc something. Doc Holliday. Doc. Doc of the Bay. And it was one of the first animated stories. It was so well animated. It was a great story. Doc Ellis. Doc Ellis. Doc Ellis.
No hitter on acid. I wonder what that was like. He was beaming people. He was hitting people. He was throwing walks. What's he? Yeah, it wasn't like a perfect game. No. But nobody hit him. That's crazy. So he was walking people, hitting people. Oh, so everybody makes it seem like it was a perfect game. It was still great. It was incredible. It was great. Can you imagine? We've all done shrooms or been high on stage and had to pull together for an hour. This is a fucking...
Major League Baseball game, right, but he's only doing one thing 20,000 people watch one thing though, but he's like no one's watching back then Fourth inning that Richard Nixon was my home plate umpire. Oh never mind. I take it back wait what I try I started having
crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire. And once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. Whoa! That's insane! That's amazing! By the way, in 84, you got real acid. That strikes. Oh, yeah. Yes! That's a new one! That's a new one! Yes! Yes!
That's incredible. They don't have full footage of the game. Oh, how come? How do they not have footage? They didn't record everything back then. Oh, that's true. They didn't broadcast it. Right, right, right. They didn't broadcast every game. You got to film everything. That's right. The olden days. He films everything. I've...
I'm friends with Matt, so I'm not talking to him. He's a nice guy. Now it's like a Scottish Tourette's tick where I'm sitting around my house and I just go, Matt Reif. Yeah. He's going to be. And people are like, what the fuck? He is killing it. He is. He's a good bro, too. He's a good guy. He's a good bro. Very good guy. It's a whole new kind of comedy. You're talking to the audience always. Always. Always. I feel like that could bite you in the ass, though. Casual.
It can, but it hasn't. It hasn't yet. If you're good at it, you can keep doing it. I mean, I know guys who do a lot of crowd work and they'll do shows and the crowd's yelling shit and they're like, this is the stand-up portion.
And they have to wait. And the crowd's like, oh, we don't care about this. They don't care. We want to hear you talking to us. No, but that happens to everybody. Like, I'll go up there and people are like, dude, Trump. Right. No matter what. Yeah. Remember when Chappelle's show was on? fell at a real hard time. They would just yell it out. People wanted to yell it out. They just wanted to yell it out all the time. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. Hey. That thing came a-flying.
All right. Where are we eating tonight, huh? Science is nice. Steak? A little bit of meat. Let's celebrate my new special, America's Sweetheart, on Netflix right now. Is it out right now? It's out right now. Guys, watch it all the way through. Is it out right now or is it out tomorrow? It's out when this is out. Okay. He says some crazy shit. Is it out like midnight tonight? Yeah.
January 14th. Let's go. Some real ballsy material here. Thank God they fucking listen to you. I like to fuck around. When did you film that, Ari? Dude, I tried to get a Kanye song. I'm trying to appeal to a sense of, there's a whole thing about how we should respect Kanye's music and not listen to his fucking tweets. And I'm like maybe I can appeal to that.
Modest Mouse was like, we'll be cool if you want to. But Kanye's people will go, first of all, are you not referring to him as Ye in this? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, this is lost. You have to refer to him as Ye in your special? I'm like, well, I'm talking about tweets. Can you take that Kanye and just cut? Yeah, mate. I'm sure they'd want me to re-edit it. Just like have yay. Have it say yay. Have a little blurb. Yay. So if you just cut it out. Easy.
Yeezy. Yeah, but if you just like he calls himself yay, right? So if you just like cut off the con and have like a dead like no air Sure, I'd say that's not worth the song at the very end, but yeah Yeah, what are you going for what which song? Black Skinhead. Yeah, I knew it. That's a great fucking song. My whole tour. This is like...
When all that anti-Semitism was happening, Christine Oakerson called me. She goes, hey, I know he's supposed to be anti-Semitic, but have you heard Black Skin? It slaps. Fucking great stuff. It does. Bro, no church in the wild? He's got some bangers. I'm a monster? Come on. flashing lights bangers his new album is fucking amazing too he's a he's a fucking killer yep
The Jungle-y song in that new album is so fucking good. The crazy thing is he goes on, like, conservative podcasts and he wears, like, a fucking stocking over his face. Alex Jones was the funniest. Oh, yeah. Have I talked about that on here? I think he's done more than one of those, right?
He texted me that day. Did I talk about that on here? Say it again. So I was on a flight back to New York when he was on Alex Jones saying he loved Hitler. And I was just watching it on the flight. With the holy Bible. Hand on it. And then I landed in JFK, and the first text I got was, yo, it's yay. And I was like, this is one of my friends. They're fucking with me. No chance. And then I get a phone call that's like,
do you want to fly to Miami right now and do a sketch with Kanye? And I was like, I don't know, man. He just said he loved Hitler. Earlier today, I just got done being canceled. Give me a couple weeks. The idea for the sketch would have been incredible. I think it was me as Trump and him as Kanye.
I know. I know. I should have done it. I regret it. You can do it later. You can do it now. You can do it tonight. I would love to do it if he ever wanted to. It would be the funniest thing ever. Call in. As long as you refer to him as yay. He's the best. He's awesome. He really is. He's awesome. Everyone lost sight of it. Listen, if you want a great artist, you're going to get a crazy person. Exactly. Period. Whether it's Kenison or Kanye or...
Fucking Jimi Hendrix. They're out of their fucking mind. Everyone. That's a giant bit in my special. About Van Gogh. Everyone forgot Van Gogh was cool. What the fuck, bro? Can you see through that? Hilarious. I love that he does that. You can't say shit. He's an artist. Yeah, he's a wild man, too. Wild dude. You want those songs? That's what you get.
You don't get those songs from some fucking Pollyanna. You ever see Genius on Netflix? I loved it. It's so nice. It's really well done. It's just a documentary. One of the guys that came up with them made. While Kanye was coming up. Old footage. It's like beautiful. Through the wire you forget about. That's a great song. Him and his mom in his mom's apartment. Yes, in Chicago. She's like, oh, that's great, Kanye.
It's amazing footage. I'm going to put this in my notes. You never saw that? No. Oh, it's a classic. No, it's really, really awesome. Really good. Makes you love Kanye. Yeah, he's just like a little scared boy. I just like... What do you want from him? Just listen to the music. I think they want him to stop shitting on Jews. Yeah, man, listen. He's having fun. He's having fun.
I forgive him. I forgive him. Now it would be nothing. You can ski and listen to it. Now everybody's doing it. Oh, yeah. He's just too early. That's true. Yeah. He's too early. He's ahead of his time. They're keeping notes. You better be careful. I've never said anything bad about the Jews. Every few years, the Holocaust numbers come up. They run the score up a little. Every few years, the Holocaust numbers. Trying to get those numbers raised.
It's not too late. People are trying to bring them down. 7.4. A lot of people are trying to bring them down. Oh, yeah. Which is a weird... Either way, it's weird. Hey, they had blacks, retards, and gays on that... Gypsies. And gypsies. Hella gypsies. Catholics, not a big deal. You don't hear us bellyaching. Yeah, they were inclusive. I think they killed like seven of us. Seven.
I was in Slovenia. I heard somebody doing a tour, and they were talking about Nazis. And they're like, you know, a lot of Slovaks also were killed. So in some ways, it's worse than the Jewish part. Everyone's like, bro. Jesus, bro. Hold on a second. I think Slovakians? Yeah. Yeah, they got fucking murdered. How many? Less than six million. If you go into the Balkans and all that area, they got fucked up. Damn nice. Balkans are wild, too.
Again, those people, they're like, women can't drive. Is that right? They just got through the war. Half the cars work. You can't. I mean, sure, they probably let the women drive now. But, you know. It's like those hard war-torn. Yeah. That's the reason why the fighters that come out of there are so fucking scary. Of course. Like Marab. Marab Wabish Willie. No. Terrifying. Those guys that have been through Chechnya, those Chechnya dudes, Dagestan dudes, those hard people.
Do you ever have to have somebody tell you how to pronounce someone's name? Yes, I fuck it up all the time. Like over and over. Some of them are ridiculous. Some of them I get like during the weigh-ins. They don't look anything like what they sound. Really? The weigh-in is my most stressful time in all of...
Commentating why because I have to remember all these fucking names and they're hard dude Sometimes I have to write them out phonetically some of them don't look anything like these They got like a oh with a line through it doesn't work loud in that thing and you're yelling it over a microphone. I can't hear them tell me. Sometimes they'll correct me.
I'll have to say it the second time I say it right. But they don't look anything like what they sound. Especially like Russian names. They're crazy. They must get that though. Backwards forward. Every few weeks I forget how to say Khabib's last name. I fucked that up. I fucked it up. Real bad ones. It's one of those... Wait, is that a clip? I fucked his name up so bad. My mouth didn't work right. It's a tough name. My mouth just didn't work right. But he's fighting for the title this weekend.
Umar is. Umar is fighting Marab. Yeah, that's crazy. If it happens, I mean, where is it going to be? If they move it to Vegas, is there a place that's open, I guess? Like, where do they put it? Yeah. Like, the pearl is just a habit? I mean, is the T-Mobile even available? Like, Jamie. On a Saturday? What's available on a Saturday? What's at the T-Mobile this Saturday night? Where's T-Mobile?
Can you cancel one of your shows? Are you in Vegas this weekend? No. Wherever you are. You can do it here. Give them the arena. Come on, bro. It seems like they don't have an event booked. Unless there's private events, but nothing until Monday. Somebody's bar mitzvah.
So a week from today. Okay. So they do have it open. That's Rabbi. If there's a 70-mile-an-hour win tonight. They said the Lakers and Clippers were supposed to start playing again, and they're playing where the Clippers – or the fights are where the Clippers play.
So if they play tonight. They have separate stadiums now? Are they going to play tonight? Yeah. Wow. That's a tough time. They have separate arenas now? Yeah, new arena. Just for the Clippers. A giant new arena. They should. It's like they've lived in a shadow for too long. Good name for a rabbi, Clippers. Cut that dick off. Who has more holidays, Jews or trans?
Trans have holidays? What are you kidding? Trans Remembrance Day? Trans Visibility Day? Look at that screen. That giant screen that goes around the whole thing. It's like the biggest... It's in and out. Inside and outside. Where is this? Is this the sphere? It's not right next to SoFi.
Wow. Beautiful. Fucking huge. I've got to go there. That place is sick. What about the homeless? This thing right here, they said it's called a wall. It's just one from the bottom all the way to the top. Yeah, like Tottenham. They're not going to allow any opponent's fans to sit there. You heard me.
That's my team. Why won't the opponent's fans sit there? It's home field advantage. Wow, that seems dirty. Yeah, the Yankees, when you buy Yankee tickets, if you had an LA credit card, you can't buy these tickets. Really? Yeah. They were like, we want home. I'm like, I live in New York. That seems so crazy. Jesus Christ. That seems crazy. Steve Ballmer's place. He gets to make the rules. I guess. I guess. Hold on. What were we talking about?
Jews? Wait, before that. UFC? UFC, yes. I had a thing on UFC. Oh, the female fighters are getting hot. You like them? Yeah. Which ones do you like? Well, I don't know their names. I don't watch. But I see the weigh-ins. Damon Wayans. Hold on. Pull up some female fighters. Damon Wayans. Underrated. Underrated. Valentina Shevchenko's hot. What's her name? Valentina Shevchenko.
Pull her up. She's the 125-pound champion. Ooh, a little fat for me. Paige. Paige Van Zandt. Yeah, she doesn't fight the UFC anymore, though. She was doing bare-knuckle boxing. I was like, Jesus. Don't do it. I'd bare-knuckle her boxing. And she was hot Give me another lady bare-knuckle Rachel Ostovich. Yeah, they both it was the hottest fight of all time this page mentally fucked up from that Connor throwing the thing at the bus No, who was that? I don't know was like
It might have been Rose Yamanu. Maybe Rose. She might have gotten fucked up. That's Paige. Wait. She fought bare knuckle. She fought a couple of times. Oh, yeah. She's cute. Doesn't really look great in beat up. Where's she from? Beat up. Nobody looks great, Ari. Utah, maybe? Yeah, duking it out bare knuckle. I kind of like her beat up. Jesus Christ.
That's such a crazy way to make a living. She's got ribbed tits. There was a bare knuckle fight this weekend that was so fucking bloody. Her pleasure. Go to the Jackson Wigglejohn Twitter page. Wigglejohn? Who's that? That's the Greg Jackson. Mike Wiggle John. Wiggle John. Sounds like a bluegrass guy. They posted a clip from this bare knuckle fight that was this past weekend. It was so horrible. This guy's face was just a tomato. Just a big...
red just wound. And he was still fighting. Jesus. Look at his face. Oh no. Hellraiser. Is that Jamie fighting him? Bro, this fight is crazy. It's me and Jamie after a while. Meanwhile, with that blood, he drops this fucking guy. No, he won? I don't know who won. I just saw this clip. I didn't even know the fight was going on, but this guy's face is a mess. In the UFC, this is stopped. Nah. By now, it's not stopped? If it's a woman. He's still going. With that much blood? Renee Aldana.
She her face was so bad. It was fucking horrible his face looks like period all these guys are both just Duking it out and every time you're getting hit you're hidden by bones so bad But look at that guys. I just blew up from that last punch. Oh, I mean this is fucking horrible, dude Look at this. I mean, this is the guy with the fucked up face. Just drop that guy. Everyone's cheering with her. Oh my god. It's so primal. Did he win? Is that the end of the fight? Is that the KO?
Where's he from? Bro, that is crazy. What are these gentlemen's names? We should say their names. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Does it say? Cody East and Dylan Rush. Oh, so they're probably American. Fuck, dude. Albuquerque, of course. Albuquerque, of course. Albuquerque. 17% of that audience. Do not piss test these gentlemen. You want to fight on Matthew. Yeah. Iron knuckle boxing.
That guy's... Do you know how hard it is to fight with a face that's that broken? I mean, every time something hits you, it's just like jolts of electricity going through your skull. Look at the beginning of the fight and the end of the fight. Fucking insane. Oh, you got a hand of the guy. And he won. Fucking insane. That's pretty terrible. Now imagine if that was Paige Van Zandt.
Still would. Still would. Of course you would. Stitch her up. Put a towel down. Stitch her up. Let's go. Put a towel down. Period. Sex. Exactly. Who was the other one you said? Valentina Shevchenko. Shevchenko. She's hot. Pull her up, will you? Sloppy jalopy. We lost Ari.
Shevchenko. And the chick she fought, Alexa Grosso, the former champion. She's hot, too. Oh, jeez. They're all pretty. There's a lot of very pretty fighters in the UFC now. There's Valentina. She's very pretty. Yeah, very pretty. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's great. I like The Rock. She's sculpted. Very ripped. Very ripped, dude. She'll fucking kill you, too. But not too ripped. She'll fuck you up.
She's also, like, a competitive shooter. She does, like, those competitive, like, pistol events. She can, like, also actually kill you, too. Oh, she's a, like, legit assassin. There's nothing you can really do. She's, like, a legit assassin. She's a terrifying woman. Damn. Hot and terrifying. Would you mind if your daughters did this? That's tough, huh? Rough. I think if I had sons, I'd make them at least learn how to fight. Yeah. But I wouldn't want them to fight.
First of all, if you're my kid, you're growing up with money, you're fucked. You're going to find some hungry animal that grew up poor. Unless you're a real complete psychopath and you can fucking rise past that, most rich kids are just not going to do well. Yeah. You're not going to have that hunger when you've never had to worry about food. Grant who?
crime and you've never been beaten up and you've never been, you know, it's possible. You could have a champion that came from a wealthy family, but I don't think I've ever seen it. Tyson Brady's a champion. His life. The real killers. Christian McCaffrey. Running back? His dad was an NFL guy. He grew up with a dad that was like, this is how you play football. It made him a freak.
I don't know. I think in football it can work. I think football's a little different than fighting, though, because in football there's a thing, you know, there's a play, it goes down, you do your best. You're not, like, duking it out in the fucking fifth round where your leg is imploding and your liver...
bleeding and your fucking your ears are ringing you're still trying to win like yeah that takes a specific type yeah it's different poverty in your background just fight growing up but what if you got like a tutor for fighting since you were five you know these kids are getting jujitsu classes I think that I could be wrong. It could be where the sport heads. To rich kids. Where like people with a train, but boxing never did. But poor kids are going to train too.
And they're going to be angrier. But if you start training jits at like five years old. Jits is different. You're going to be a master at it at 18. Jits is different. Jits is different because you're not getting hit. But like boxing, boxing never...
Never got like that's why there's no I mean now there's some white boxers, but like well you got like Tyson Fury who's a fucking gypsy So like his whole family been duking it out since they were kids just retired Jewish boxers. He didn't retire. No, he's not retiring He did. He's on ESPN today. No. Did he? Today? Today he retired? On ESPN. It said Fury says that's it. Really? I think he's done that once or twice. Oh, is that today? Is that Jamie? Yeah.
Wow. I'm never right. Well, good for him. Good for him. That was today. It's been like three times today. Tyson Fury retires. Wow. Well, one of the greatest of all time. Yeah, I don't believe him, says another guy. Well, he might come back. Like, if they offer him the Anthony Joshua fight, I know they talked about that. Didn't he retire before? Joshua or Tyson Fury, yes.
He did. Yeah. He retired when he was having real mental health problems. He almost committed suicide. He almost drove his Ferrari off a bridge. Whoa, is that right? Yeah, he was losing his mind. Tyson? Yes. You ever hear him talk to Ari Hillrani about the...
He called them. They were interviewing him. He was like, hey, today's the anniversary of when you first took the heavyweight title. That's a really cool speech. I mean, it's sad. It's sad, but he's like, how do you like it? He goes, honestly, it's pretty shit. Yeah, when you beat, what's his name? Who's the Ukrainian boxer? Oh, Vladimir Klitschko. Yeah. Isn't that who he beat? The guy who's the mayor of Kiev. Yeah. Is that right? Oh, really? Whoa. He's doing a great job.
Cool mayor. That guy's got a PhD, I think. Is he or is his brother the mayor? He's the mayor, right? His brother, Vitaly, was the mayor of somewhere else, too. Vitaly is also a politician. Jesus Christ. That's crazy. And they both saddled up to go to war, too. So did Lomachenko. He saddled up, too. Look at that, guys. He's the mayor of Keefe. Yeah. So what was his... He's the mayor. So Vitaly's the mayor. So Vladimir, what is Vladimir's position? What does he do?
So Vitaly's the mayor of Kiev, and I think Vladimir's a politician as well. Isn't the Filipino guy a politician too? Yeah. Yep, Manny Pacquiao. He's a politician? Yeah. What? So what does he do? Does he have some sort of a... Cranian army. Whoa. These guys are the real deal. Yeah, I saw him with a fucking machine gun. Terrifying dudes. Terrifying dudes and phenomenal boxers, too. Especially the brother, Fatali, was an animal.
They're both animals. But he was more technical than his brother. His brother was a destroyer. Just fuck people up, man. He was a giant dude, too. And they're both brilliant. They both have PhDs. PhDs. Did you see this? What's this? You can fight in lacrosse like you can in hockey? No, you're not allowed. Who's this? The referee's not doing shit. They wait till they go to the ground.
No, they're fighting, dude. I know, but they can't get it in because they'll get punched. So they wait until it goes. Yeah, but that was one and done. But they let them fight. That's the same as hockey. They let them go on the ground. That's what I asked. Is it like hockey where they let them fight?
Look at this. That's brutal. Toronto. Toronto versus Buffalo. That's crazy. Poor Buffalo guy. If lacrosse does this, it might become famous. That's true. Take it off the gloves, too. Stepping up for his boy like hockey. Man. Bro. That's crazy. So this is a new sport where you're allowed to punch in the face. Because this was never the case in any other sport. If this was basketball, they would have stopped this a long time ago. Oh, yeah. So they're letting guys box. Because this is difficult.
too because you have shoes on. So you can get grip and movement and you can really punch hard. The thing about hockey is you're hampered. You fall fast. Yeah, you're flopping around in fucking skates. But he was probably disqualified forever after that. I don't know, man.
They fought man-to-man. Yeah, it looks like you're allowed to do that because the referees didn't jump in. It's a penalty, but you're back that game. Bro, that changes sports. That changes sports. Oh, yeah. Start throwing that into basketball.
They used to. In the 80s, the NBA was all that. Imagine if they allowed it. People fucking punch Lambeer all the time. He punched all the time. Lambeer, shout out Notre Dame. But here's the thing. What are you allowed to do? Like, are you allowed a leg kick?
No. No, if you leg kick, that's gay. Draymond found out you're not allowed to leg kick. It's what? It's gay. Draymond found out. He tried to leg kick all the time. But if you're in a lacrosse game and you leg kick, you can't leg kick? It's gay. Everyone knows leg kicks are gay. Why are you laughing so hard? Because I know how much you love leg kicks. They hurt. Yeah, but I mean, if you're trying to hit me, why wouldn't I kick your leg?
Who is that boxer that went against the UFC guy? We're going against the rules. We're not playing this game anymore. Now we're fighting. I'm going to kick your fucking leg. Yeah. Especially if I think you don't know what to do. A Bellator guy kicked me in the leg. And he went in slow-mo, kicked me in the leg. It hurt for a week. Calf? No, right above the knee on the side of the thigh. Yikes. It fucked me up. Yeah. We had a couple drinks and I was going...
Come on. Have you ever seen Alex Pereira gently leg kick this lady? No. She asks him to. She's like, just don't hit me hard. He gently taps her leg. It hurts so bad. She falls to the ground. Then she took a photo of it afterwards. Her whole fucking leg. leg was bruised. What? How about that fucking Asian guy that was swallowing those? You see those? No homo? Oh yeah, that guy in Korea. Yo. Bro, that guy's an animal. Who the fuck is that guy? Who knows?
Wait a minute. This fucking maniac. Whoa. This is nothing. And by the way, that hurts like fucking hell. This guy's getting mad now. But he's not hitting them full blast, but he's hitting them pretty hard, man. She bangs, she bangs. Look at this guy just dancing. That's crazy. Look at that. He took it. That guy's an ass. No, I swear they showed another one where he was like body shots. Look, he tells him to hit him again. And he hits him hard. Watch this. Look, go ahead.
He hits him pretty hard, dude. That's kind of crazy. Pereira's a good-looking guy. He's a handsome fella, especially with the suits on. Yeah. 26 leg kicks. That is so crazy. Now watch this girl. This was me at the wedding. That's when I got killed. He just touches her. He touched her. It hurts so bad. But wait for it. Watch when she shows what it looked like afterwards. She shows what it looked like afterwards. Look at that. Isn't that crazy? He just touched her. Just touched her.
Now imagine that fucking dude. He just literally touched her. Imagine that dude ate like 20 what of them? 26. 27. That's crazy. Yeah. Wow. He might be dead. I don't remember if he did. He might have just been really good at putting on an act. It might be Joe Biden. It might have been Joe Biden himself. It might have been Joe Biden himself. There's people that are just built different, man. That's true. That dude is obviously just built different. Something's going on. Leah Thomas.
Yeah. She shows up to the swimming pool. That's a guy. That's a guy. We got one. We got one. That's Guy's. You guys want to hear my impression of Frank Sinatra at a Penn swim meet? Yes. That's Guy. There it is. There she blows. That's fun. No, I just did another one.
You do it. Are you going to pee or am I going to pee? What are we doing here? I'm good for another 20 minutes. Yeah, keep it rolling. It's almost 5 o'clock already. I say we keep it rolling. I'm having a nice time. Let's keep it rolling. Let's keep it rolling. You got on the coffee. Like that song, keep it rolling. Joe, Joe. Keep on rolling. What happened to you?
It hurts, it's so cold. That's good now. Too cold. Give Norman one. Norman hasn't had one. Let's stick with the liquor here. Yeah, Norman and I got a second ice cube. Sorry, trick what you want. Good rapper. What is your shirt, Ari? What is that? Is that from your special? It's from my special. Oh, that's you. Dude, give me one of those. You got one of those for me? Stay positive. Oh, nice. Yeah, I would have wore it for the show. Not too late. Okay, stay positive? Yeah. HIV.
Why stay positive? Is that the name of the special? I hate his fucking positivity. The whole theme of the special is like, fuck the news. He's trying to get himself out of his anger. He's so angry all the time. If he's not in here, I actually like him. The whole theme is like get off the news, live your life, touch grass. Come up from a guy with a severe social media addiction. I know, right? It's kind of hilarious. That's Kyla. That's Kyla. Perfect. Thanks, buddy. Let's go. What size? XL.
That's too big the back is for my closer about this holocaust. I made it died Excel. That's what you are, right? Yeah larger Excel. I can wear either one of them. That's nice Positivity special. It's just like guys this shit's fine. Yeah Nice. That'll go viral. That's a party. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. All right. That's crazy. That'll sell some shirts. That is an XL. It fits good. Yeah, dude. Damn.
That's crazy. Available at archfair.com right now. Archfair.com, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to pay for this special. Yeah, he's got $85,000 worth of plans to cover it. Netflix did not cover it. Please help. I love that the trailer's like, coming soon on Netflix. Yeah, right? didn't cover the fucking... Fuck, no. They didn't cover the plants? They didn't cover enough. I'm out of a lot. At least they put that fucking special on.
Lisa put it up? And they're putting Jew up? Yes. Nice. Are they? Oh, nice. Whoa. Yes, yes. Beautiful. Like April or May or something? Yeah. Netflix is taking some fucking chances. Netflix is. I think that fucking roast, that Tom Brady roast, that turned it around, baby. That was the number one most watched thing. on Netflix ever. They must have been like, oh. Yeah. Oh, this woke shit is not really selling. I don't want to laugh.
Yeah, fuck. Yeah. People just want to laugh. And comedy coming together. Fucking fun. Have some actual fun for once. And it ruled. It ruled. It was funny as hell. It ruled. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. By the way, that probably saved Tony's ass. Because then people... Oh, that's what he does all the time. You asked Tony to do Tony at a fucking political rally. Yeah, that's all you can do
Which I told him, don't do it. But he doesn't want to listen. We have the same agent. He was like, I'm getting death threats from Trump guys. Like, if he doesn't win, I'm going to die. They might actually kill Tony. You know, they had stories already written blaming it on Tony. Already written.
leaked stories that come out once in a while and it's like, oh shit, that didn't happen yet? They had the stories ready because they don't write the story based on who wins. They write stories like if Trump wins, we're going to blame this. And if Kamala wins, wins. We're going to blame Tony Hinchcliffe. What happened to journalism? It's done. The internet killed it. Clicks. It's also the format sucks.
The TV format's the worst. And then the news format, you want me to read paper? But also, they became so self-important. It's the same people that gave Chappelle a 0%. And it's like, oh, right, you guys are trying to be part of the story instead of just reporting on it. Those little things just led to the end. And that led to the fire.
A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. I mean, you want to red pill people? Burn their fucking house to the ground. Oh, ain't that the truth. And then watch the governor do a little shimmy when he talks about acquiring the land. A little shimmy about, well, figure out a way to purpose. Where's Gavin Newsom from? Figure out a way to purpose. Satan? From hell? That's Christ. He's back in hell now. Let me find out about this man. Antichrist.
Is he from Ohio? I don't know. I think he's from Northern California. He was the mayor of San Francisco at one point. Northern California? How long has he been the governor? Where did he go to school? Stanford? He's been the governor for a while. He's friends with a lot of people we like. They're all friends. I know, but I'm just saying. Behind closed doors, I think he's like us. I think he's a regular guy. He puts off college basketball coach vibes. Incorrect. Oh, yeah. We'll talk after.
Santa Clara. Yeah, from California. He founded Plump Jack. Billionaire heir. He's just a fucking rich one. I knew he was it. I knew it. His whole thing has been preparing for him to run for president. He acts like a president. He talks like a president. And if it wasn't for this, you know, past... election he probably would have ran for president now he's fucked
But he thinks he's not fucked. So he's talking like he's got it all under control. He's going to change everything and make everything better. Click some early life stuff. I want to learn about this, man. I want to know. They're talking about fast forwarding the application process for all these people to rebuild their homes. Where are they going to get the...
money. Newsom's aunt was married to Ron Pelosi. An attorney for Getty Oil. Oh boy. Hold on a second. Get a conspiracy theorist in here. Not an actual note, eh, you dumbass. That's all I can see. I don't know. It's going to be a good game. Went to a French-American bilingual Catholic school. Redwood High School. Jesus Christ. He had severe dyslexia. It still affects him. Our mother.
Oh, dyslexia. It's like the people that we get to pick from. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like there's no real options. Well, who wants to do it? He got recalled and he still won. Really? They tried too early. Yeah, if they did it now, he'd probably lose. Yeah. But look how many people in California this year voted red.
Like a giant chunk of California. Really? A giant chunk. Wow. You compare the map from 2020 to 2024, it's like most of the state is red except for the high population centers. All those areas down south, like near San Diego. That shit went red. So it probably is going to get a DEI hire as your candidate. That's DEI. That's it. That's close. Jamie, toss up some Jeremiah Love highlights. Put him on. What are you guys betting? What is the bet? I think it should be something not money-wise.
Okay. Embarrassing or like blow each other or something. Yeah. You have to drink out of Jamie's asshole. You have to funnel the beer into his asshole and you have to funnel it back in your mouth. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. Maybe trade jobs for a week. You'd do that. That'd be good. And then he does the arena. Jamie in arena going, uh. Jamie on tires. Yeah. Yeah. Jamie, I love highlights.
Jeremiah Smith, you mean? Jeremiah Love. Your freshman, ultimate wide receiver in the country, 18 years old. No, Jeremiah Love. He's going Ohio. He's turning Ohio on you. He's a coward. Trying to turn around. When's the last time Notre Dame beat Ohio State? Oh, shit. Because they haven't played for a while. I know, but they've played six times in the last 20 years. In the last 20 years, zero. Okay. Wow. 20 years? Probably like 94?
I think we won that one, too. You guys won 95. Rivalry renewed. Wow. Have Irish people ever complained about that mascot? No. That's what's great about the Irish. You know what else the Irish haven't complained about? Slavery. True. That's true. Yeah, that guy. That guy's ugly as shit. Small, little midget. When I was a kid, all the Irish guys. They complain a lot about England. About England? That's true.
Yeah, could you play kneecap and Jeremiah Love Highlights at the same time? What's kneecap? There's a band. You're going to love kneecap. Can you play Get the Brits Out and we can drink a little? What's kneecap? It's a band. It's a rap band. Irish rap band? From Ireland? Really? Whoa, I can't understand that. I want to hear this. Like House of Pain? Listen to how good this is. All right. You don't need to watch. Get the Brits out. I like the illustrations.
We're on our mad one. Shout out my boys. Are they still around the Brits? It's your favorite Republican hoots. to abuse every solvent that i choose Oh, bro, I'm putting this on the Spotify. This shit's nice. I'm putting this on the list. Is that the queen? Yeah, that is the queen. Lizzie's in a box. Lizzie's in a box. Go for a dance. Go for a dance. Go for a dance. What's the song called? That's called Get the Brits Up. Get your Brits Up. Got it. It's in.
Shit rocks. Oh, that's them, huh? That's terrifying. Oh, yeah. Irish Guar. No, that's not true. They're actually good. They're actually good. Dude, they're pretty good. Guar is fun. They're awesome. How do I not know about these guys? Let me hear what they sound alive. Oh, same song. Go for a dance. These are tough people. I'm rapping in a polo shirt. But it's out. Crazy. How many people do you think live in Ireland? It's not that big of a place, but it has such a huge influence.
It's because they all came to America. Exactly. But there's so many. Yeah. There's a lot of... You ever read Born Fighting? They don't love condoms. Great book. Oh, about the Scots-Irish? Scots-Irish. That's a lot of it. Well, it's Catholic. Yeah. It's Catholic. You're supposed to fight a lot. That's true. They're supposed to have a bunch of kids. And Protestant. Look at this. See if they have any Phillies. No shirts.
See if they have any Philly footage. I was at their show in Philly. Were you really? How do I not know about these guys? How come you never told me about them? They're new. They're the best. In Philly, in Philly, this is maybe not my best story. This is the last time I did cocaine.
Oh, come on. The last time? It was. It was with these guys. It wasn't the worst. It wasn't the first time. It was with these guys. It's not the last time. They have a movie, and it's really good, but my girlfriend and I watched the movie. And I was like, oh, fuck, I forgot I told these guys I'd go to their show tonight.
I was like, why don't you stay home and I'll be back. I'll probably be back by midnight. As soon as I got in the green room, they're like, hey, folks, we can do it later. I was like, yeah, all right, I'll do it. And then we were out until I got home at like 5 a.m. door was locked. She got me. She got you. But she has to lock the door. It's 5 a.m. It was a right, yeah.
You have to. What are you going to do? Go to sleep with the door wide open? Yeah. Just so drunk-ass Shane can come home at 5 a.m. It was an elevator. She could have left in the loft. That was the Philly one. That was an elevator, yeah. No, no, no. You got to bring a key, bitch. Key bump.
I said no. That's the first couple times, but it was these. It was these bros. It's not even ice. Snow. Is that the Philly place? Yeah. That was a good place. It was a great place. Never got any furniture in there. Never got it? You have time. Do you like it when you go back for a little bit? You like it when you go back for a little bit? I loved it. He's the king. Dude, we went and did the 999, all of us, and we're walking up to where the Phillies play. And this is Shane now.
yeah and and just walking down the street not that many people when they did recognize like what the he's the hero of the town philly rules dude it's the best that's nice i do love philly i threw up in your toilet You did, and then you denied it. I blamed it on O'Connor. I knew it was your nasty ass. Obviously. Who'd you blame it on? O'Connor. Who's O'Connor? O'Connor was asleep. And O'Connor was blacked out, and he was like, it might have been me. Possibly. Possibly. Let's deny.
The 999, that was tough. Oh, my God. Wait, did we tell you about this? No, what happened? What's a 999? There's a challenge. Go ahead. There's a challenge that no one should do. Help me out. I remember this. It's nine hot dogs, nine beers, and nine innings. The baseball, yeah. And the games move faster now. Yeah.
So it's tough. It's two and a half hours. But we got there early and we were like, nine hot dogs, nine beers? Nine hot dogs during a baseball game. Shane hooked it up with the booze. Yeah. We got the booze and the hot dogs stocked for us. Not the booze, the booth or whatever. Yeah. The box. Yeah. That helped a lot because we can get 12 ounces instead of 16.
And no lines for the bathroom. But O'Connor, we got there early. O'Connor had seven hot dogs done before the National Anthem. What? He just started pounding. He was like, I'm going to handle this well. He was sick the whole game. Third inning, he was fully asleep like a heroin addict. Wow. And the eighth woke up like, dude, you got five beers left. He woke up and we were like, bro, you're so close. He got the beers easy, but we were like, bro, you're so close. Just eat three hot dogs right now.
Yeah. He did it. Hot dogs. Who did it? You failed. You did like 15 beers. I couldn't eat the hot dogs. Foley lost 17 beers. Shockingly, Foley did not do it. Where's the room? Really? Where's the space? Where's the space? Nine hot dogs is a fucking pile of food. Are you allowed to puke? I said you're allowed to puke. Colin puked. Get it out. Literally every single person. Colin puked.
the bathroom into the sink for no reason. Probably couldn't make it. No, no, he's just making bad decisions. He knows better. He's the nine beers. Yeah. Nine beers, you're going to make bad decisions. The beers is easy. Who did it? Nine beers during a baseball game is a three-hour game. He had 15 easy. I was being the goalkeeper at people giving me beers. I was like... Nope. Not done. Yep. Counts. It was with RU Garbage, Chris and Tommy. Oh, nice. It was wonderful. Great guys. Yeah.
seven dogs before the national anthem was. I watched him do it and I was like, O'Connor, what are you doing? You're starting to do fast. You're going to die, bro. They're not digesting. You want to do it over the whole course. Let your body break it down. He's not a big guy. No, he's got abs.
Does he? Yeah. Wow, there you go. Connor's a fucking beast. Goddamn. When was this from, July? Yeah. Depends on when you've eaten, though. If I haven't eaten all day, I could deny it. Oh, we didn't eat. No one ate. All day. Although Foley was sitting down hitting. He was doing chicken wings. There was other things in the box. He was also eating like a cheesesteak. I think I could eat nine hot dogs if I haven't eaten all day. The bun though. The bun.
is what gets you. Bun will get you. And you had to eat the bun. It's the nine beers and nine dogs. Well, when you see those dudes doing the hot dog eating competitions, no bun. They dip it. No, they dip the bun. They dip the bun. Right. Yeah. They break it down a little bit before it gets in there. That's 23. That seems like it's cheating. I had two hot dogs right away.
I don't think they should be allowed to dip. I hate hot dogs. They're disgusting. No, don't dip. I don't love them either. Why are you dipping? Do it real. Who eats a hot dog that way? Eat a hot dog like an American. Fucking pussy Joey Chestnut. And you should probably have some mustard on that thing. Joey Chestnut. Fucking pussy ass. The Japanese guy. Yeah, he quit.
He quit the biz. Couldn't beat, uh, couldn't beat. He couldn't beat Joey. I think his health was deteriorating. I'm sure. Yeah. Probably. Makes sense. A million hot dogs. And he's not a big guy. No, he's Japanese. So he's stretching the shit out of his gut. Oh, yeah. Ugh. Yuck. Oh, that fiend. Oh, you got videos? How many hot dogs is that guy eating?
What's his record? He was up there. Six million. No, like what does he eat? 63 hot dogs? I think he got to 70 or something. Wow. So what's Chestnut? He's bigger than that. I want you to think of a bucket full of hot dogs. That's what that is. It's like a bucket full of hot dogs. 66. Young Chestnut. Did Chestnut win? Yeah, he's the current champion. The crazy thing is these aren't big guys. No, no. It's a gift.
Jeez. Have you seen some of the other shit they eat, too? Look at the size of the stack. Look at the stack. Look at the stack. No, the one above that, Jamie? The one above that? Yeah, that one. The one you got up there. Look at the size of that stack of hot dogs. We're just eating hot dogs for the sport.
Fucking insane. That doesn't even make sense. Like, how does it fit in his body? He can do it. It doesn't seem like it would fit, though, right? Well, if we have fast metabolism, you know, some people have faster than others. But no, I mean, space. They burn it. Like where's the last hot dog? It's got to be like right here. Is that his wife? She's pretty hot. His wife. There's a female champion? Nice. Oh yeah, they got a female division.
I'd like to meet her. She can swallow a wiener. That's crazy that the females win it, too. It's a belt, too. That won't fit. Can you imagine dating a lady that was a fucking hot dog? I'd rather date a porn star. Jesus Christ. There's more fucking honor in that. Yeah. You gotta put mustard on your dick to get ahead. It's my wife. She was a hot dog eating champion. Jesus Christ. 51 this year. 51? 58? What's the guy? Oh, man. The woman ate 51 hot dogs. Damn. Who's Mickey? Who do?
Jesus Christ. She's a beast. Look at that. They used to have 30. Used to be 30 and three quarters. They gave her three quarters. That lady got 39 and a half. 48 that year? That's like when you're five. I'm five and a half. Imagine she didn't swallow. You're like, come on. This is crazy.
You're crazy, bitch. You ate so much ketchup. Yeah. You ate so much ketchup. Damn, she ate 51 in 2024? That's so Nike. Wow, that blowjob must be sick. How much time? 10 minutes. She ate 51 hot dogs in 10 minutes. She ate 57. That's more than 10 a minute. That's so crazy.
Connor's a pussy. What the hell? Is he swallowing everything? Nine hot dogs in four hours will put you in a coma. This is crazy. Dude, we told Aaron Judge we were doing that. We told Aaron Judge, the MVP, that we were doing that. Yeah, he was like, oh, cool. Cool, guys. We should see that. What? I want to see him eat 57 hot dogs. Pull it up. I want to see how they do it. Are they chewing? Barely. They slide it down. It's wet. It's soggy. Do they throw up right away?
It's like a comedy store waitress. Are you allowed to throw it? Look at this. Look at this guy. Look at that. He's just wolfing. Just dipping it and shoving him in his mouth. That is insanity. The salt would kill you, too. Oh, yeah. What do they win?
Nothing. Money. They win us talking about it. What are the groupies like for this sport? Imagine eating pussy, that guy. Nice shirt. American flag shirt. Nice shirt. Oh, in this case, he's doing it for Jerry Busey. Oh, my gosh. This is so disgusting. Every five, he eats his 5,000. Oh, man.
The guy with the camera is like, I'm going to get barfed on. Did somebody say something about Gary Busey? Yeah, I thought that guy looked like him. Bro, that guy's wild. Have you seen his Instagram lately? No. Gary Busey had a horrible motorcycle accident with no helmet on and shifted his...
Like when he was on lethal weapon, but he was a great actor using a bunch of fucking great break. Yeah, he was great What was that reality show with that was post that was post impact he almost died he fucking hit his head on a curb See how that left eye is lower than the right eye Left eye Lopez. Was that carrot cake? What's he saying? Listen to him talk, though, too. He's just...
That ain't Gary Busey. He should run for president. Sounds like Joe Biden for real. That's what I'm saying. It is a baby squid. There it is. That's Busey. Out there. I had a conversation with him on the phone once. A friend of mine was at his house. And he goes, hey, Gary Busey wants to talk to you. I talked to him for like three minutes. It was just like rambling. Just crazy talk. Sounds about right. I think he was talking about Jesus. It was like a lot of nutty shit.
His son's around, too. His son's an actor. Oh, yeah? Jake Busey. Oh, yeah. He's a great actor, man. He played that guy who was trying to blow up the world in one of those movies. Kingsman? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He played the guy who blew up the space machine in... Contact.
What remember in contact the first one blew up and then the fucking watch had to go Jodie Foster yes that movie he blew up It was a fucking father the whole time remember they were supposed to there was this machine that let them go to this other planet Remember, it spins around in a circle. It drops through. That's him. There it is. He played the Christian preacher. Ron White. Yeah. Who the fuck was that? Ron White. Ron White. Yeah.
He plays the Christian preacher. That's it. That's his son. That sabotages the space machine. Imagine your dad is Gary Vucey. Do you remember that movie? Yeah. That movie was fucking great. I liked that. I saw it in the theater. It's Carl Sagan's book. That's right. Yeah.
Jodie Foster was all right. She was all right. McConaughey was good in that movie, too. McConaughey is such a fucking beast. Yeah, he's in everything. Gee, look at the chompers on that guy. He played a very good fucking psychopath Christian. Yeah. Solid movie. He looked like a cult leader for sure. Legit.
What's that other one? Interstellar? Yeah, the other mechanic. McConaughey movie. Fucking great movie. Don't watch that on a plane. That turned me around on McConaughey a lot. You didn't like them? I didn't like rom-com McConaughey. Wow. Tropic Thunder was the first thing that I was like, McConaughey's all right. What about the AIDS one? That was after Tropic. Bro, that movie fucked him up. Yeah, it did. Physically fucked him up. When did Dallas Buyers Club?
Was that before? That was after. Do you know that movie's about Vouchy? Shut up. Oh, yeah. Come on. That's what it's about. Get out of here. It's about suppressing therapeutics for AIDS because they wanted everybody to take AZT. Dallas Buyers Club, 2013. He got wrecked doing that movie, man.
Because he had to become an AIDS-y guy, so he had to lose a ton of weight. Never really looked the same. Even Wolf of Wall Street went down to 135 pounds in five months. Whoa! Wolf of Wall Street, he still looks a little gone. Nothing's worse than The Machinist. Oh, nothing's worse Christian Bale he lost for that is no he almost died Yeah, yeah, that's like literally like starvation like you your organs are failing You get down to that kind of weight that was the crazy and the movie sucked
I know, that's the worst part. And he's one of the greatest actors of all time. Wait, didn't 50 Cent do that and the movie sucked? Yes, he did. 50 Cent got like... Really? He did it too. Here's the thing. If you're getting that low, you don't got the energy to put in a really good performance. Right. And then the slip sucks. Remember when he hung up upside down for the Super Bowl? What? That's like DMX. No way. Yeah. He's a dime. And then he got big again. Remember when he was in the Super Bowl?
That's him? That's why. He had to hang upside down for like 40 minutes while he was waiting. But that's why. He got big because he's like, fuck this. He went the opposite way. I mean, he got crazy. He used to be ripped, remember? Oh, yeah. 50 Cent used to be fucking jacked. He used to be on stage. He would look like an MMA fighter. Plowing Chelsea Handler. He was on a liquid diet for nine weeks. Yikes. He's doing liquid diet right now. Hell yeah.
That is a weird thing that like Robert De Niro started everybody off on. You know? Remember he gained all that weight for Raging Bull? Oh yeah. That was like the first time an actor had ever gotten really fat for a movie. Yeah. Matt Damon did it, too. He got real thin for a... Liquid courage. How about the lady? Courage under fire. The monster lady. Oh, yeah. Getting ugly. Oh, yeah. Shaved her eyebrows off. Got fat and shaved her eyebrows off. Serial killer.
Eileen Wuornos. Awesome. That's it. Fucking great movie, though. Yeah, it was. Shout out to my friend Patty. Why? Put that movie together. Patty Jenkins. That's her movie. She directed it. She directed it. All right. And Charlize Theron fucking gained like 100 pounds from that movie. That was crazy. Yeah. She got super fat. He did it just for funsies. Oh, no. This was one of the best ones. Wow. What did he do it for? He got so sick of actors letting the character get in shape in season two.
Because the actor gets like a personal trainer he goes no in life you get fatter so that's fine for an entire season Oh, that's hilarious. He's a hunk. Because he was a hunk and then he decided to get fat. Good for him. He was slightly a hunk. Then he got very fat and then he became a super hunk. It's just him and Ryan Reynolds being hunks. Owning soccer teams. Being silly hunks. Being silly hunks. Which is the funniest.
This guy. Yeah. Yeah. The hunk guy. Everybody loves that guy. Hey, silly hunk. At least Joe keeps his shirt on usually. Most of the time. Yeah, Van Wilder, based on Burt Kreischer. Isn't that nuts? Isn't that nuts? It's literally a movie based on Burt. It really is. They wrote a story about it for Rolling Stone magazine. The original title was The Interruption. It reminds me of me.
Wait, wait, wait. Secret time, secret time. You guys have such good birds. Secret time. All right, you've got to go pee. Come on. Nope. I'm okay. I'm going to pee for the third time. The third time? Wait, the third time? That's the race. I'm the new one.
That's the one you're waiting on? That's not bad! That's not bad! That's not bad! The fact that you can still get one this many hours in. I was waiting for you to be a third one for so long. I'd do another one! You already keeps pulling out these knives. I'm getting nervous. Sorry. Sorry, no more knives. That's the rice. Every five minutes, Norma's pulling out a knife and no one's even noticing. Don't do it. Thanks. Thanks. Oh, my God. I just did something's burning. That show's still going.
It's about L.A. now. It's doing great now that it's free. Now that it's free, the shackles it was in. That story is nuts. That story is for Bert to tell, but for us to go, what the fuck? Wait, what? Yeah, we can't talk about it on the show, but off the air, we'll tell you the whole story. Oh, no. I don't know anything about this. It's business.
It fucking sucks. Everybody you think is cool sucks. It doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be that way. You're good at it. You're good at it. Thank you. Let's make it cool. Let's have everybody pass around money the way you should. That's what it's supposed to be. Everybody should be fine. Have a good time.
Let's all have fun together. But that's not how it is. Everybody wants it all. They want the giant chunk of it. You know, we were talking about the other day. We were talking about... festivals yeah you know these festivals they'll sell you know tickets for a giant arena and they'll take a giant chunk of all the money and they have all these comics up but everybody's there to see the comics but you're you are making up what we have
Why do you have employees like what is this like what is your business? Your business is like selling other people's art at a cut rate because you get them all together because they're all here Like, it doesn't make any sense. But you know what it led to? The way cab drivers were so shitty that it led to Uber? Yes. That led to Burt's tour.
uh-huh right bert's like fun festival tour because i'll just run it myself then cut you guys out they offered me one of those once and it was it was like so ridiculous you did one at toronto which one I think you did JFL 42. No, I had my right. No, it was the – JFL was going on, and I did an arena. I did it, like, with them sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But it wasn't the same thing. It wasn't like what they do. Because –
What they were doing was like you would go and do one of those big shows with all these names on it. And they would give you like, let's just say a number like X. Yeah. I was like, but how many of these people are coming to see me?
Like, you're going to put my name on the thing, and you're going to give me a tiny amount of money in comparison to what I would make if I did the show, and I could just do a show. Like, this doesn't make any sense, and it was all because they have employees. Like, why? But then they went under. There you go. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because it's like you can't.
That doesn't make any sense. Because you get to a certain point when you're selling tickets. Like, why would I not make money when I'm selling tickets for you? It doesn't make any sense. But is there a thing where sometimes you do a fest and the fest helps you sell tickets? Yeah, maybe when you're... coming up right but once you already can sell out big places and they're asking you to sell out a big place but they want the money like what are you talking about
This doesn't make any sense. There's like five people on this show that can sell at a 10,000-seat arena, and they're all getting a fraction of the money, and you guys are getting most of it. It's like there's a bunch of those things that happen without names. Like the South by Southwest was the craziest one.
They offered to have me come down, and you know what they were going to give me? They were going to give me free tickets to watch the other shows. I'm not bullshitting. What about drinks? I'm not bullshitting. No, that's South By. That's South By. No, they didn't offer me drinks.
They didn't offer me drinks. They didn't offer me a hotel. They didn't offer me flights. Damn. There's no hotels. No flights. Sorry, we already used flights. Use it again. It's there. Keep it going. But those things, that's fucking crazy.
Like, that's crazy. Like, what is your business model based on? Like, your business model is based on selling tickets. So you have artists perform. You sell the tickets. You make all the money. Hold on. He's going to hear us right now. Fuck. He's probably in the lobby.
When he comes back, anytime you're quiet, he has to talk. Oh, he panics. When he comes back, just be silent. Well, he panics if he doesn't think things are funny. He's going to go. Like, if you start talking about, like, fucking weird DNA shit or something. he's the most successful autistic person in the world how is his stack of notes looking i haven't seen his ass
How's it stacking outs? It's still sticking out of his ass like a tumor? He's got a festering pus wound in his right cheek. What is going on with your ass pocket? You're going to want to see Jeremiah Love score a touchdown versus Penn State. You think it's going to happen? No, hold on. That was fun. Oh, look at this air. That's insane. Wait to see the effort. Bro, that's insane. Wait to see the effort he put in to score this touchdown. Show that again.
Oh, it's crazy. That leap right there. Look at that. That is insane. That's so impressive. He's got a hurt knee. Look at that. Yeah, look at that. He's got a brace on. His right knee's fucked up. He didn't get a lot of touches. That's so crazy. Wait till you see the touchdown he scores. Yeah, he did that all with his left leg. Yeah.
Like he's favoring his right knee even when he goes down. For an extra two yards. I know. That was like a loss of yards. Yeah, that was like two. Just give it up. But that's a fucking player you want on your team. He's the first player Notre Dame's had in a while that's like a complete mutant. Wow. What's wrong with his name? Watch this touchdown run. Just watch the effort. This is anybody's game at this point. Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, fuck Penn State. Some child's getting fucked today. Don't get me wrong. Fuck Ohio State. Damn. For sure. But fuck Penn State. We needed that win. Yeah.
That was the closest game to the playoffs. My whole childhood was on this game. You know, I never went to see a live football game until I moved to Texas. I see them all the time now. UT? Yeah, UT. I went to Dallas and I saw the Cowboys play the Jets. Awesome. Cowboys stadium is great. It's incredible. Amazing. It's literally incredible. It's so fun. Also, tailgating a college is unreal. Yeah, you've got to get to a college now. Oh, I've been to a bunch of UT games. I shot the cannon.
Oh, really? I shot the cannon. I was so scared of that fucking cannon. It's so loud. It's so scary. And they got a bull wandering around, like a real bull. I was afraid of the bull, too. I touched it like a autistic man. University of Montana game. They were like, you can touch it. I went to Montana game. We were going to tailgate hopping. And so I was like, we should do something. It was the opening game. We just made 200 Jell-O shots.
Oh, you told me that. Walked around. The people that are into jello shots could not contain their excitement. They'd be like, what the fuck? And they're like, what's this for? They're like, for the whales. And they go, okay. Go whales. For the whales? Yeah, just to make up. We'd make up charity. to raise awareness for homeless moms. I'm like, oh, okay.
And then we got into the official tailgate, and we got talking to it. Like, you can't pass out alcohol at a place where we're serving alcohol. And we got kicked out. It was so fun. It was so fun. People love Jell-O shots. That makes sense. Do they? Oh, yeah. Creek in the Cave has jello shots now. Whoa! Get over. Get yourself a red or a green. All right. Get out of town. Yeah. Mothership's got to start doing jello shots. Yeah! Uh-oh.
What'd I miss? Ah, shit. I saw the eyes. What? That's eyes. That's eyes. Fuck. It's a new one! You got out of it. When you left, I was like, just be quiet, Mark. We'll hate it. We're going to leave silence out here for you. I blew it. I don't want to do tricks when guys go pee. Are you guys going to kill Tony tonight? I don't think I am. Who's the guest on Kill Tony tonight? It's us. We are.
Protect the arena would kill Tony on New Year's fucking amazing. Yeah, the heat I did the day before I did the night before the 30th. He sold out two nights Yeah Two nights in a row. Two years in a row of doing that. Two years in a row, two nights in a row at the arena. Mad packed with fucking crazy fans. Dice Clay performed. It was amazing. Wow. The fucking Kill Tony experience is so different.
It's such a fun thing. It's a new show every time. It's a new show. It's a new show every time. And the fans are so rabid. They're so happy to be there. It's fucking incredible. When he did MSG, all the comedy clubs in the city filled up with those fans. They're like, well, Tony, let me see. and it was just like you were a hero everywhere you went for like three days that's how it should be you know we could do that here we could have Austin like that all the time
Keep expanding. I need to buy a theater. I'm going to buy a theater. You're going to do it? Do it. I think that's the next move. I think the next move is buy a big place where big names can come in for the weekends. And just give them a sweet deal. Give them a deal the same way with the mothership. Give them most of the money. How much would a theater, like what's that price? That's a lot of money, Ari. Ah! Oh, price! He got it in there! He got it in there! That was great. What's that price?
I was like, wait, I don't know. Oh, right. If you have a theater that can entice big name people to come in. Yeah. Because you can only get such a high name to do a 250 seat room unless it's a weekday. Weekday is easy.
like to come and fuck around. Our Tuesday night shows are some of the best fucking shows in the world. My Uber driver, he was like, you come a lot? I was like, I mean, I used to come once a year, but now it's like, I come to a podcast, I'm like, may as well, my buddy built a place to just do spots. The greatest playground.
When we were there the other night, that fucking lineup was bananas. I saw that a lot. That was sick. Crazy. It was Ron White, Theo, Shane. Who else? Who else was on the show? It was Brian. Segura. That's right. Segura, Simpson, me, Tony. Fuck. Fucking incredible show. Perfect. No women. No ladies. But we have some funny fucking chicks there, too. The night before, it was Whitney.
Oh, there you go. Bro, Whitney's killing it right now. Something about having a kid made her extra funny. That did it to Louie. No, Louis said that. He was like, I had a kid, and I was like, I got to get to work. Right, right, right. It's been the same hour for 10 years. You can't dilly-dally when you've got mouths to feed that aren't yours. Exactly. It gets heavy.
You got one coming, right? Yeah, one week. One week. It's not mine. If it comes out black, you're cool. I'll drink this one. You're free. That's true. What are you going to do? How nervous are you? I'm a little scared, but I'm excited to meet the little guy. Disgust this. It's not interesting. Any retard could have a kid. Crackheads have kids. That's true. And who are you doing it with? Your wife. Ari Shaffir with the fucking ninth inning. Here we go. A little rally cap. Yeah, that a baby.
Books. Ow! Easy. Come on. America's Sweetheart on Netflix right now. America's Sweetheart available right now. Do you know what you're going to name the kid? Yeah, we're going Jussie Smollett. I do. I can't say. Is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy. It's a boy. You don't want to set your kid up for trolls when they're not even born. They got some privacy laws for the minors. Yeah. Well, they should have privacy laws for everybody. Yeah.
The laws are weird, man. It's like, it's journalism. Like, no, no, no. You're just... Well, the weird one is when someone buys a house. And even if they buy it under an LLC, immediately the house gets put up on the internet. They show up where the guy lives. This is the fucking plans of the house. Right. This is the best place to stalk. These are the bushes where they can't see you. Yeah, that's not good. It's weird.
To know everything about you. Wow, it's like we're moving into this place where no one's going to have any secrets anymore. With all this encryption that's going to get broken because of quantum computing, we're fucked. So 2010 was the year we gave up privacy.
Really? Everyone started filming everything on your iPhone. You had a camera on you. Yeah. And we just kind of all agreed, we're done with privacy. Well, it's kind of come a point where encryption fails. Yeah. And so all this iMessage shit, like everything's going to fail. It's a Black Mirror episode, isn't it?
It is. All secrets get out. Really? And then it's like, oh no, it's Westworld. And then it's just like, it's just mayhem and war. People are fighting against each other. You think it's going to be that? It's Westworld season three. I think it's going to be an understanding. Not at first.
Well, if everything's out. Not at first. Someone fucked somebody's wife or girlfriend 20 years ago. All that gets out. It's a South Park episode. You tried even to do it? Really? Yeah. I think it's... People going to be... I swear to God, The Cloud... There's an episode where everybody read everybody's texts. And then it just came out. We got to move our texts over to fucking WhatsApp and delete them every day.
But if everyone's techs are out, no one can get canceled. Yeah, but ours are worse. Ours are worse. That's true. We set the bar. Ours are pretty bad. That protect our parks chain is fucking rough. Oh, it's wild. Just the memes alone can cause real problems. A couple of them. My whole algorithm right now is just Hitler playing basketball. Maya's Jews telling you what's acidic.
Jamie, can you please put up a Hitler highlight video? It's about as funny as a guest. AI playing basketball? It's so good. It's him walking into the arena. Him playing football is so good. What is it, AI? It's AI. It's just the... Yeah, they just superimpose him onto Patrick Mahomes. Does he win all the time? Because that's concerning. They show him walking in the arena with the camera. And everybody goes crazy? It looks shitty. Is there a Hitler in the UFC one?
Probably will be now see a lot of because you mentioned that I've seen a lot of George Floyd I saw a guy at the park once playing. It's a black guy playing with a Klan outfit on. He was just dunking on this white dude. There's a Derek Chauvin versus George Floyd fight, and it's... It's McGregor vs Eddie Alvarez. It's so funny. AI is amazing. It's pretty funny. What it can do now with those... Diddy and LeBron in jail together? Did you see the video that Kill Tony had made?
Oh, yeah, before the MSG shows. No, no, no, before the recent one. Pull it up. Before the recent one, the New Year show. They those guys the door brothers did it. You know those guys. Yeah, those guys are fucking incredible Look at this. It's so good Jamie will find it. It's so good. You watch it and you go, this is so wild. William Montgomery's in it. David Lucas is in it. It's crazy. A guy blows his brains out in it. It's fucking wild.
Fucking Biden-Trump thing, you guys. Insane. Is that 30 million views at this point? Give me the volume. Oh, it's Red Band. Oh, gross. Where's the volume? So good. Nick and Red Band rules. Oh, man. Muslim band. What are we doing? Uh-oh. The show's over. Are they putting like two? Red Rome. All we know is red rum, red rum, red rum, red rum, red rum. Did they not? They didn't act these out at all for that? No, this is all AI.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of these guys are really doing this. What? This is all fake. It looks so good. 100%. 100%. Whoa. This is AI? Yeah, it's all AI, man. Holy. Isn't it crazy? Look at this. Whoa. That's the girl, too. I know it. Look at that. Whoa. That's good. Oh, AI's going to fuck us. Imagine another 10 years. I've seen that in real life. I've seen that exact face. David Lucas. David Lucas looks dead. He stabbed somebody.
David Lucas won't leave a breadcrumb. Isn't this crazy? That's crazy. Whoa. Look at this. This is freaking me out. Isn't it amazing? That's amazing. This is not. None of this was acted out. And imagine what this is going to be like in five years from now. Exactly. In a year. Yeah. It looks really good. It looks amazing. William's my favorite. Jesus. Hey. They got me. Oh, Jesus.
I love Puerto Rico. He's dressed like Woody. Is this amazing? Yeah. How about Trump throwing Tony under the bus? Selling out Tony. Just selling him out. Trump dog was just like.
I don't know him, I don't want to know him. But he doesn't know him. But I don't want to know him. I mean, he almost lost the fucking election. He goes, I don't know him, I don't want to know him. It wasn't cool. It wasn't cool. What's he going to do? In the middle of that? You got to denounce it? You got to denounce it! The vice president guy said, he goes...
I haven't seen it, but guys, shut up already with jokes. Oh, yeah, J.D. Vance. That would have been a cool way to do that. I have said the best one. I don't want to know. What were they talking about? Because he was like, why are we talking about this? Let's talk about homelessness. Yeah. Well, they were just trying anything. Yeah, of course. Internal polling, they were lying.
Like, their internal polling is, we're going to get wiped out. And they were lying. And they were trying to make it look like it was going to be. We're doing great. Yeah. And they were going to win. And so everybody would be excited. And they were asking for money. Like, the whole time. And then asking for money when it was over. They're still asking for money. But they were asking for money when they knew they were going to win. Let's still get those texts.
They were asking for money when they were losing. Mark my words. They just will do Kill Tony. Asking for money the whole time, and then after they lost, asking for money. Wait, Mark Yord's what? He's going to do Kill Tony one day. Trump. Donald Trump. I bet. I mean, Trump versus Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could do it. Tony's garbage, not special, but clip, whatever set, when he set it up, he was like, I just wanted Shayna's Trump.
With Donald Trump. It would have been cool. No, he called it that. His special is called Garbage. I thought you were like, Tony's garbage special. I was like, what? Literally called Garbage. Garbage Island. The one that he released on Twitter. Genius. Genius. You're like, what the fuck are you doing, bro? That's our friend. I thought you liked Tony. Chop could still do it. He could still do it. Especially if Tony keeps killing it.
And Kill Tony's going to keep killing it. Trump likes to have fun. Yeah, it's also like you realize what it is now. That's what the guy does. Watch him in a roast. He's awesome at it. Watch him do stand-up. He's awesome at it. That's what he does. He talks shit about things. All the canceling helps the numbers, I'm sure. Damn it did, bro.
He went on stage in the middle of it all on stage. It was like fucking the Rolling Stones just showed up He went on stage at the store at the mothership brother and they went fucking bananas might as well be the main room The reaction the comedy audiences give to someone who's outed, whatever word you want to use, is they're just like, we support you. They know what's happening, and they're like, we don't like it. You're our guy. Yeah. Damn. They know what's going on.
It's like, that cancel shit doesn't work anymore. It's fucking stupid. Especially over a joke like that. Like, shut up. I know. Just shut up. But it was funny because he got canceled once and then he got over it. And he's like, bro, I thought the first one was bad. He goes, this one was rough. He said he didn't sleep. until I endorsed Trump. He goes, that was the first time I had any sleep in two weeks. He lost weight. Whoa. He was so scared. He lost weight. What?
What did he have to lose? Yeah, he didn't have much to lose. He had extra? He couldn't eat. He said he couldn't eat. He's blowing away in the Santa Ana winds. He was like an ember. He was like an ember taking out a mansion. Ember alert.
Tony's flaming? Sam Morrell has some friend that lost an $82 million house. The most expensive house to ever burn in the fire. What friend does Sam Morrell have? I didn't even ask. I'm like, if you want to tell me, you can tell me. I'm not even going to pry. Sandler? He knows somebody like that. Somebody had an $82 million house. It might be Sandler. That is a good guess. He's friends with Sandler. He is, yeah. If anybody's going to have an $82 million house.
You see the conspiracy theories? Why does Tom Hanks' house not get burned down? They did that in Maui, too. They did the same thing. Why do this? Why do this? Yeah. Those conspiratards are the best. And then they have an answer. They're like, it's because of this. And they go, nah. No, no, no. Deep state. Deep state. EMF. Direct energy weapons.
Russians, Chinese, deep state. It'll come back. I mean, Katrina fucked the whole New Orleans up and we're all back and running. It'll come back. Yeah. It'll take 10 years. But yeah, man, it's not even like some homes. It's all the houses. How do you even get started with the Mexican going, build our house? Bro, it's bigger than Manhattan.
Larger than the size of Manhattan is burned by, I think, two and a half times. I think it's... Find out if that's correct. Palisades is that big? I know it's... What burned? Not just Palisades, but all the fires together. It's larger than that. Still, Manhattan's huge. Manhattan's not that big. I know, but east to west. You're a place to my place. And then imagine going up to like old stand-up New York.
Oh, fine. Like, that had to be rebuilt? And the whole Central Park. No way. Crazy. It's just Manhattan's so dense with tall buildings in that same area. The Robbie's, the Cherry... Cherry room. So this is just residential homes, but the size of land is bigger than Manhattan. They'll never, I mean...
How are they going to rebuild it? It's going to be a decade before they even start on some of the houses. Also, they've got to go through the Coastal Commission. That's unbelievably brutal. What does that mean? The regulations. Yeah. It's fucking brutal. Try to build a pool. They'll fuck you. Imagine a new house. It's crazy. Pretty sad. What's that lady, the fitness lady?
Suzanne Powder. No, the other one. The dark-haired lady. Julian Michaels. Yeah, Julian Michaels. Julian Michaels was just talking. She was on a podcast. We see it. It took her, after the last fire, a year to get the permit to clean up after the last fire. A year. She said she had dead animals in her pool. A woman can't clean up? She couldn't clean up the pool.
She said there was animals that died in the pool because they were trying to escape the fire. What do you mean they couldn't clean up? They weren't allowed to clean up. You have to get a permit to clean up. What? Fucking government. A year. Everyone's, it's the right, it's the left. It's all of them.
But that's the Coastal Commission. The Coastal Commission is unbelievably... Bureaucracy. Yeah, but that's the left. Too much government. Too much government. But it's California is uniquely retarded. Yes, that's true. Especially the coastal area. Bill Maher has been bitching by that for 20 years. Uniquely difficult to build there. Like, I had a friend who was building a house there. He's like, don't do it.
Don't ever build a house here. He goes, it drives you fucking crazy. It took years and years and years to get approval. Yeah, live somewhere else. Just look up your ass with a fucking microscope with everything you're doing. And they have the ability to do it. So, of course, they act on that. You know, they have power.
over you. They have power over these rich people, so they flex. And I'm sure there's a lot of biola moving around. Oh, yeah. You want to go on a vacation? You want to buy my yacht? Why don't you buy my plane? You should move to Mechanicsburg. Yeah, it's the spot. That's the spot.
Especially if you're Shane Gillis. I love passing that sign on the way to I don't know what club. You pass Mechanicsburg. It was me and Colm and Nate were driving. We're like, oh, wait, that's a real place? That's it. It's not just from movies? What, Pittsburgh? No, Mechanicsburg.
Is Mike and the Mechanics in there? What's that? Mike and the Mechanics? Is that Mechanicsburg? No, Poison is from Mechanicsburg. Hey! Jim Henson's from University of Maryland. We got Poison. That's something. It's pretty good. Poison rules. Jamie, play a little poison.
Fire it up. Is it 18 of life? No, that's not. What's Poison's big hits? Where are you from? Every rose has its thorn. Every rose has its thorn. Marilyn's got stuff. Oh, Marilyn's got a lot of rocks. Edgar Allen's thorn. Wait, who's A got the money? Good time. Keys. Ain't nothing but a good time. SM2, right? Yeah. Isn't that? Dave Chappelle. Dave Chappelle, yeah. He's not from Maryland? Yeah. Yeah. He was from D.C. Oh, D.C. Okay. Just outside.
That's different. No, it's just outside D.C. in Maryland. Everything's just outside. It's just outside D.C. into Maryland. Oh, okay. Ain't nothing but a good time. That's Mechanicsford, Pennsylvania. Just waiting to take over there. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Interesting choice to play a better song in your music video. That's bold. and stop. You need to get your button gear or you're out of here. Get it? Move! Bosses. The old bosses. Great head of hair.
Oh, man, that was all they did. Yeah. Look at that. Come on, bro. That's what Mechanicsburg does. Kicks open the door to a fucking concert. I don't want to wash dishes. And why were you washing it at all with that going on? Because he's trying to make it in the band, Ari. Got to pay for the band. Man, this was gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. That's crazy. They all wore makeup. This is Mateo Lane's screensaver. That's bye. That's gay. That's bye. How'd they stay so thin back then?
Cocaine. I'll do it. Iggy Pop, still ripped. Isn't it crazy how they used to dress? Like the hair and everything? Oh, yeah. Like what happened? And Nirvana killed that like a bullet. They're like, actually, you guys are super lame. Cut your fucking hair. When Nirvana came along, it just died. It killed hair metal. Killed it.
Killed it. Never mind killed it. You guys are phonies. Yeah. Rightfully so. Rightfully so. But it was just crazy, the shift in culture from... This needed to stop. Well, you know what? Cocaine needed a little dose of heroin. That's a great quote. That's a t-shirt. Cocaine did a little dose of heroin. Yes, because they killed all the psychedelics, right? So the 60s were all the psychedelic. The 70s, everybody was just recovering.
the 80s come along and everyone's doing coke and the music got awful. bravado music. It's just weird. Everyone's wearing makeup and they're all fucking dancing around with their tight pants on with their butt high. Eyeliner, bro. Eyeliner and just teased up hair. It was weird. Even the cool ones like Cure was still like... Hey, that was weird. Don't you. Forget about me. Forget about me. And then Iron Maiden.
Oh, Iron Maiden's killer. Yeah. So you get a lot of weirdness. How about the misfits? You get dudes dressed up like gay bikers. Yeah. There's a lot of that. This was Pantera before. Look at these fucking fruits. Pantera. Pantera, the glam metal dude. Bro, look at Pantera. Pantera was fucking rocking the glam look. If you see all these guys on the side.
of the highway and be like, oh, they're hooking. It's so funny to be that fucking fat guy in the group like, guys, are you sure we all want to dress like this? I'm allowed. It's not fitting. You want to wear wet? Let's just dress normal. Vest with no shirt? Come on. There was a time where you dressed in a way that no would ever dress in public and it was cool. The best was me and Diaz were at the griddle. You'd see those people on sunset at like 3pm.
Damn, I would fuck with like three of these guys. The guy on the left is not bad. The guy on the left is like, I would take. If you're doing meth, the guy on the right is sucking your dick. That guy was an Olympic. And he's jerking you off with those studs on his hand. What order of who you choose?
Left, right, left middle, right middle. I go, now it's different. It's a different one now. That guy on the right, he beat the Olympic boxer. They got a fifth member of a homo. That guy's boxing for Algeria now. I go... One, three, two, four. One is high. Obviously one all the way to the left. I'd go all the way to the right. All the way to the right fuck, dude. That's number four. That's the guy that sucks your dick if you're on meth. Third is second. Third is second.
Which one could go trans the easiest? We've all fucked worse. Which one could go trans the easiest? Lower left. Lower left is already a girl. Look at their lipstick. That's so crazy. They're wearing lipstick. Look at the nails. And they're fucking. This is why they went too far they went way over to being a girl If you tried to do that now people would think you're culturally appropriate
and trans people. It's true. The rules of glam metal. You know what's really funny? The straight girls who put fake dicks in their underwear and they get a lot of money on OnlyFans. They trick me. Oh, there you go.
They're a poison tribute band. Yeah, those guys are good. A poison tribute band! Shut up, dude. You can't experience poisons in the house. If you have a tribute band, you're real. Damn. Do you know how many underwear I had to shop through on Amazon to bring out my fake dick or fake pussy on Kill Tony? Oh, how many? They have starter pussies for trans people. If you attach a pussy to your dick...
So it looks like you have a pussy. Oh, boy. That's what I defined to get on Kill Tony. That's a pussy. Yeah, so there's a hole where you can stick your dick in to hold it, and it's got tendrils to, like, hold it in. Oh, boy. And so, like, you have a puss. Oh, God. What? Yeah. Like a fleshlight that you strap on? Yeah.
the ones figured it. But there was also a hole right through the bottom. Look at this dude on the left with the double chin. They're crying tough. Look at Anthony Cumia. They're all Cumia. Only one of these is Cumia. That's Dave Portnoy. That looks like Rich Voss. Second from the right. Voss used to look like that.
Yeah. Used to have a bird. Used to have Jerry Girls. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ross in the early days. This is a 1984. This is not the cover band. This is a different band. This is the band we were looking at. This is Cry Tough? Yeah, this is a... Demo track from 1984. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Vamos. Eyes of a Killer. Not bad. This kind of music makes you shake your butt like this. Like Gavin Newsom. Gavin Newsom, yeah. Yeah, trying to appropriate some land.
You ever hear of Charles Manson's song? Yeah. It's good. It's not bad. It's good folk music. Charles Manson, he got together with Brian Wilson. Oh, I... He's threatening Brian Wilson's life like produces for me. Yeah, yeah He got in with them like, you know, we probably brought a bunch of the girls around It's good. It's not bad. It's folk music. It's better than Bob Dylan.
Bob Dylan sucks. This is fine. Does it smell like shit? Does anyone smell it? I don't smell it. Let me hear some more of this. Let me hear some more of that Manson. He's not going to get any money from us. Yeah. Not bad. It's not bad. Kind of Neil Young-y. It's not bad. He was a big race war guy. I was... I was on a fuck Bob Dylan train for a while. Yeah.
Then you start listening to some Bob Dylan. Here comes the story of the hurricane. Hurricane is a fucking great movie is a waste of time. I saw the movie. Well, apparently they made a little. They've fucked around with the reality. Biopics always suck. Bob Dylan's still alive. We have Google. Why are you changing the history? Biopics always suck. They added a guy. What do you call them biopics? Biopics. Biopics. Biopics. Am I wrong? You guys are all wrong. You guys are all wrong. It's a biopic.
No. They fucked around with the actual story. They added a bad cop. You guys are the expresso. Yeah, they added a lot of shit. Yeah, it's biopic. And then the dummies took over and called a biopic. Chalamet killed it. I'll say that. It's biopic. What's that? Chalamet killed it. Killed in what? He's Bob Dylan in the movie. He killed it in a good way. Biopic. Biopic. Oh, then I'm wrong. Guess what? I'm wrong.
Free Palestine. All of this because of you, Jamie. You did this. That's not right. Jamie, what's the bet before we wrap this up? Push-ups. Why don't you guys pick stuff out of each other's hair? That's lies. Haven't done that one. That's good. That's not bad. Considering we're reaching for straws. We're reaching. What's the bet? That's tough to say.
We do have a very... Hold on. Who's that running back that punched his girlfriend in the elevator? Ray Rice. Jamie, what did you say? You have a what? We have a... advantage in the... I don't know. I got one. It's not fair. I got one. Just bet straight up. Jamie, if you lose, Shane has to take care of your dog for a week. Shane, if you lose, he's going to take your girlfriend for a week. If Nodame loses, I get your dog. Oh, shit. You might die in a week.
He will. He's already a puggy. He's already barely alive. But he said, if Notre Dame loses, I get your dog. He tricked you. Did you hear what he said, Jamie? No. He tricked you. No, I wasn't saying yes to him. But he almost tricked you. I get Carl. He almost tricked you. Carl. He was like setting himself up to win if he lost. That was genius. There's not many bets I can win in this situation.
But you got to bet like men 30 push-ups like bet even something like that. That's too easy. Why is this too easy if you're talking shit? It has to be a bet bet. He's got to do a five-minute set five minutes at the mothership. I like that if you lose
If Shane loses, he's got to take over the board. Will you do a five-minute set? I'll take over the board. Jamie, will you do a five-minute set if you lose? I don't have any material. You can put something together. So what? How much time do you need? I have no idea. Have you seen Kill Tony?
equivalent of me doing that if we win. Dude, kill Tony! You do one minute. Each of you do it. What's the equivalent? I don't know. Yeah, that's not the same. It's not the same. You have to let Ari get you in a triangle. I already got him in one. No, but from the back, real triangle. Everybody knows you didn't. Dude, you whimpered.
Everybody knows I wouldn't whimper. You can see the picture of him breaking my shoulder and giving the thumbs up, dude. Everyone knows I didn't whimper. He tapped. He tapped twice. And you went like this. With him, yeah. Yeah, bro, your shoulders broke on their own. They were very brittle. Yeah, they were fucked up. Did you get the stem cells? No. You gotta do that. We were all hurt after that for like a real week. Just bloody knees. Yeah, I wasn't short. They like bled later. Yeah.
My knees were all scrapped up. I didn't care for it. Yeah. To be honest. Especially you. You've been through the staph. You know what happens. You get infected. Oh. That's right. I don't know, man. The Irish, everybody the whole time has been saying Notre Dame's going to lose. Every week. So go up. Even up. Even up. 500 bucks. Even up. What could you do? 500 bucks. Jamie? Five minutes set. He said it's fine. 5,000.
Whoa, 5,000. That's more fun. It's just as easy. Now we're talking. 5,000 with the spread. Deal. Now we're talking. Nope. Why? That's what the bet is. If I bet online, that's what the bet is. You're not betting online. Don't let him get away with that. 5,000 EV up. Even up. That's just a bad bet on my part. I can place that bet online and say, no, they money on it. If you're going to talk shit, you have to bet. You have to bet like...
I think it's a real bet. They're going to bet each other on their fucking sports book. It has to be who wins. I'll bet against a real fan. I'll bet against Tony or Matt Rive. Oh. Come on, man. The true Ohio State fans. How about 500 bucks? You don't think he's a real Ohio State fan? Even up when you go $500? Ohio State's represented by Tony and Matt Rive. Put some money up, J-Mo. Even up? You won't go even up for $500? $500 I'll go even. $500! Why would that a zero?
You should. I did. I'm not afraid to. That's the point. I know. You're afraid. It's not fair. You're already conceding defeat. It's not a fair bet. It sounds like you're conceding defeat. It's not a fair bet. Yeah, but if you're going to talk shit, you have to take a not fair bet. I'm not talking shit on... It's a football game. They start in the beginning. There's the same amount of athletes. There's not.
They bought more athletes. What do you mean? So is there more playing at one given time? Yeah. No, it's still 11 on 11. 11 on 11. But they bought more athletes because they have a sex offender's money. Lex Wessler, Friedman? Yeah. So how much will you bet even up? Hold on. How far will you go even? What's his name? Wexner. So what was his ties to Epstein?
Epstein ran his money for a little while. Epstein ran his money. He did a Victoria's Secret. And then he controls most of our, like, he paid for all you guys, like, libraries and shit.
He donates a lot of money. He donates a lot of money. Who gives a fuck? Getting into the weeds here. This is about academics. Where are you going with it? I don't know if we're getting into the weeds. I'm just wondering. You're also acting like Notre Dame didn't spend any money on their players. Notre Dame did spend money on their players. We definitely did. Where'd they get their money?
Just guys with good education. That's a lie. Catholic church? Catholic church? Where's that money? God damn, you boys should thank the fucking church for the western civilization. Go ahead. Thank the Catholic Church for Western civilization, you peasants. How dare you? They're going to let the gays be priests now. Is that right? Yep.
That's wrong. They've been the priests. No, but they allowed them. It's okay now. Oh, really? Yeah. What do you mean? The Pope just made a ruling. The gays can be priests. What? I mean, most people are gay. But the heteros can't fuck either. So fine. Hey, look at me. I was going to say, hold on a second. I don't believe this. Wait, did he say that or no? Yeah.
He did say it. Yeah, pretty did, right? I think it's like one of them army things, like don't ask, don't tell. Remember when that was cutting edge of liberal? Just don't tell us you're gay and you're cool. Yeah, that was Obama during the Obama administration. Clinton. I believe it was Obama. I believe Don't Ask, Don't Tell was 2012. I thought it was Bill Clinton. Pull it up. When was Don't Ask, Don't Tell? They were both against gay marriage. Right, they were. Until 2013, so was Hillary.
I think originally it was Clinton. What year was Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Jamie? I think it was Obama. I'm pretty pop. 93? Okay. Really? That's Clinton. Oh, wow. That is Clinton. And he was cutting edge of like, hey, Gaines, just shut the fuck up. God, I thought it was way later than that. That's pretty old. I got to be honest. Don't ask, don't tell.
I'd love that now. Fire it up. When did they call it? I don't want to hear about it. Shut up. All you fucking non-monogamy people too, shut up. They repealed it in 1994. Whoa! Look at that. Repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That was quick. Until 2011? Yeah. It was in effect until 2011. Interesting.
That's hilarious. Who repealed it? Oh, then they just let gays in. And now they give you extra money for a sex change. What? I'll take some of that. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, people, you could join the military and get a sex change in the Biden administration. Is that true? See if that's true. Pay for it? Yeah. See if the military will pay for your transition under the Biden administration.
I'm actually all right with that. They were trying to do it to illegal amy. If you get through boot camp, get your dick off. You should get some nice boots. These boots are made for walking. You're running around to Sinatra's daughter now. We've gotten all the way there. I got one. We went all the way around. This article from 2021. Whoa. 2021? 15 million dollars not that much for them of the 243 gender reassignment surgeries performed on military personnel since 2060
Fifty of them took place between 2016 and December 31st, 2017. And 193 occurred from January 1st, 2018 to December 31st, 2019. The first two years that President Donald Trump announced. via Twitter that he would bar transgender individuals from serving in the U.S. military. Dave Smith has the best.
idea about that saying transgender shouldn't be the military and all the liberals like how dare you goes oh yeah right because your stance should be transgender should also kill unarmed people in the middle east How about just don't kill? Right. Yeah. You guys are getting it wrong. It's just weird if they're paying for their surgeries. Yeah. Are their surgeries paid for by the military? Find out if that's the case. Oh, that 15 million? You missed that stat? 3.1 with surgeries?
And 11.3 was psychotherapy. Oh. Oh. Which is also made up gobbledygook. It's trying to talk him out of it. Pentagon spent $11 million. Look at this. Pentagon has spent $15 million in the past five years to treat 1,892 transgender troops. How much is that per troop? How much did they pay for the regular troops? Including $11.5 million for psychotherapy and $3.1 million for surgeries. That's wild. They did pay for the surgeries. That's wild. Removal of breasts, testicles, hysterects.
and labioplasties, creation or resurfacing the flesh around a vagina. Reshaping it. I know a bunch of girls to share. I know a bunch of girls who need that. I had a couple girlfriends that you didn't list. How wild is that Russian must be laughing their fucking asses off
They are. You ever seen the commercials? The Russian commercials when they shit on America? No. It's always like, how many genders do you have? It's very funny. It's always just mocking all the crazy gender shit we're involved in. How long before that just goes away? It might. I think it goes away. It could be a fad. Yeah, it was a fad. It drops down to the stable 1% that it's been forever. Yeah. Could happen. I think it over-reported. I think young kids growing up in it now.
Well, the problem is now they have these gender reassignment surgery centers that are trying to make money. And they're still open. And if they're open, they're going to try to make money. It's like COVID testing spots. They just ram kids through there. They just give them hormones. Like, yeah, yeah, you need it. Yeah.
They're trying to make a ton of money. There's so many of them now. If you go back to 2007 and see how many gender reassignment surgery centers there were, and now in 2024, it's bananas. They just erupted like Starbucks in the 90s. I think they're reassignment.
will end because it's like when they said like your dick doesn't make you a man so then like well you can be a woman with a dick right that's acceptable so like then just be that you don't have to reassign some people want to get snipped well that's just that's just cosmetic then It's your dick and your pussy is not what makes you a man or woman Yeah, but right so someone you need to affirm you need to affirm well who cares Notre Dame Ohio State Why don't you guys bet a thousand dollars even up?
Nah, it's not money. Joe, why are you doing this to me? Because I want to see you pay. It's literally like a title fight. But you've got to spend so much money on your team. Notre Dame spent $20.4 million. Side revealed by quarterback Riley Leonard. An eye-opening take. The teams that don't have to officially reveal their finances. What does side revealed mean? Yeah, this means nothing. This is called literal fake news. What is this from? X.
X is always right. Yeah. What is this from? Community notes. Jamie. Yeah. Check the community notes. Jamie. Are you going to be sad on Tuesday? Am I going to be sad if Notre Dame loses the national title? You will be. I don't know. I'll tell you this. I'm going to go down there. I'm going to take my dad. I'm going to say I'd love Notre Dame to win one in front of my dad.
It'll be nice. Trade dads. I won't rub it in. I'll tell you that much. You will. What if you have to wear a shirt on your podcast? That's not bad. I'll do whatever it takes. Okay, that's fair. Both of you. Shirt on the podcast, shirt on the podcast. What is the shirt? Five minutes set. What does the shirt say? Jamie is my dad. Maybe that. This is a ten point spread. Jamie is my dad. Jamie is my dad is not a bad shirt to wear.
No big deal. You get out of $1,000 that you're going to have to pay. What are the odds? The odds, what though the odds would be greater, smaller than ordinary women ever. What? What the fuck was that? That was like the end of a pharmaceutical drug campaign. What though the odds would be greater than ordinary women ever. Yeah, I guess we'll see. Suicidal thoughts. What is it, plus?
295. So that's like a UFC fight. The guy's plus 295. Sometimes they win. They do. Strickland versus Adesanya. Exactly. Fight math. But we're not betting even on that. I'm getting plus 295. But it's not about the money. It's about the...
The push to your team. It's about a lot of money, Shane. If I was you, I'd just throw that money down. No, do the t-shirt. I'm not afraid to throw the money down. Wear an OSU shirt. A thousand bucks even up. You wear a Notre Dame shirt. A thousand bucks, no matter. Jamie, a thousand bucks even up? Okay. Okay, we got it.
That's it. That's it. Incredible bet for Jamie. I hate it. Incredible bet for Jamie. I hate it. Do the shirts. Do something embarrassing if you lose. I want to see that. Cash. Pay me with my own money. You still owe me a couple thousand after that. You owe me five. Oh my. $5,000 from Vegas
Really? What happened in Vegas? He didn't get a gapper. You get all the winnings now? He had nothing. I paid for this man to live. Really? He didn't draw my gapper. Jamie the Mooch. Jamie the Mooch. What happened? He didn't throw him a gapper. We talked about it. That would be like, I didn't have any money when we went to the casino, but that's not how it started. Sweet Jamie the Mooch. Wait, so you just took your piece of cheese and ran away? That's nice. No. He took more than money.
half the winnings. I gave him half the winnings and he should not have gotten that much money. You gave him half the winnings? Yeah. Oh. Wait a minute. Oh, all right. Yeah, you did. Hold on a second. I thought he just gave you the money back, you son of a bitch. That's why it's been a thing for three years. No, but he was so upset about it. No, no, no, you're wrong. Oh, yeah, you're wrong. That's what I'm saying. That's actually a lot. Jimmy, you sat there.
through four hours and didn't bring up that information that would have silenced him in the very beginning. I brought it up for a year and a half. I know. No, Jamie. I can't stop bringing it up. What a warrior. He goes on the Flagram podcast and starts talking shit. Sorry I called you a mooch there, buddy. Everyone thinks it's something different. Meanwhile, he gave you
more than a gapper. He didn't have to give you half the winnings. That's crazy. Because he could have lost it all and he would have to pay you that money back. It wasn't just one gapper, was it? What do you mean? I had to keep doubling down because of your hand. Do you want to explain what happened now? Didn't I? We're going to tell lies. Tell it out. Oh, that's lies. That's lies. It was a $1,000 hand. $1,000 hand. Two aces come out. How much did I put up?
Two aces come out. I split the aces. How much did I put up on the thousand? I paid for that. The second time aces came out, I didn't have enough to cover that one. I had 400. I borrowed 600 from Shane. A fourth time it happened again. How many times did you get aces? Four in a row. Everyone at the table then bullied Shannon of saying you have to pay the thousand. I did. And then we won all four hands. Wow! And we're starting to collect the money.
Because everybody else won, too. There's chaos at the table. And I said, that's mine. And he starts going, how much money do I get? And I gave him a stack of chips. And I said, is that good enough? And? And then he turns into Shane and he goes, I don't know, what are you getting? I didn't say no. Wait, was it 5K though? I ended up, well, we only won 8,500, so I think I ended up giving him like 4,200. What? Okay. That's fair.
I think it was fair. Bro, it's more than fair. How are you talking shit about that? I was just making fun of him. Yeah, and then he was just talking shit. You just lied. I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed, too. He gave you more than he needed to give you. I'm crushed. You got the story wrong and said it, and I sat.
back and let you say it wrong that's what cnn does oh my god they do worse who's the real fake news now wow jamie wins jamie wins and i feel like he's gonna win this bet too i feel like he's getting a thousand bucks and you're gonna have to wear a t-shirt as well A thousand bucks and a t-shirt. Jamie's my dad. Or Shane is my dad. I don't get the dad thing. I don't know what the dad thing is. No, no. What about Shane's my bitch or something?
Jamie's my pimp. I am Jamie's bitch. There you go. That's it. That's it. That's a shirt. You make the shirt. I'll get it made. Get it made. I'll just get it both made right now. I'll get it made on Teemu. Teemu. You guys would all turn on me, and that's fine. J-Mail. Whenever you're done.
Jamie, the show's not about you. The show's not about you. This is the longest you've ever spoken on the show, I think. Jamie, could you toss on Michigan-Ohio State highlights from this year, please? Oh, shit. Go blue. They did beat Alabama, which is nice. Toss on Michigan, Ohio State. That's not your team. I'll play Northern Illinois.
That's not even the whole Illinois. This is getting nasty. This is getting nasty. He's got a nasty tone to his voice. Did you notice it? He is a little nasty. He's thinking about that $4,200 and giving you $1,000. It's crazy that he kept it quiet that whole time, though. He could have given him.
$1,000 would have been good. You guys got to understand. The extra $1,000? It's all he talked about. Pays the money back and gives you $1,000? You should have been happy. And then he took abuse. I was happy. I didn't care. He didn't have to pay you that money back if he lost, right? I didn't care at all. If he lost, he was going to pay you that money back? You don't care. No, no chance. Wait a minute. That was free.
You gave it to him. You gave it to him. It wasn't a loan. If you gave it to me, why'd you give you any money? What? If you gave it to me, why'd I give you any money? Because you did the right thing. Snippy! He did give the right thing and you've been fucking with him this whole time. I've never fucked with him. He went on complaining about it. Come on, bro. You can bring it up. I didn't go on the Flagrant podcast and talk about it. Jamie's been complaining about it ever since.
Ari, how do you feel about this? I feel a little betrayed. I feel betrayed. It's like when you find out a news story, it's not the real thing. Yeah, ivermectin. You guys think I'm the one who betrayed you? Oh, man. I couldn't care less. I think you just cursed Notre Dame. a blowout this weekend. And then next Protect Our Parks, Jamie's going to just trounce you. I will not do that. He's going to piss in your butt light. And you're not even going to notice. I would never.
You guys are turning nasty. Obviously, you guys don't know how to handle booze, and you guys are starting to act like rotten fucks. And that's fine. This whiskey business. You did the whiskey business on us. Kind of the whiskey business. Just take those home. It's home. If you guys want to act like cunts, that's fine. I'm having a nice time. I'm enjoying myself. Jamie, can you put up Jeremiah Love Heights? I think you guys need to bet $4,200. I don't mind that. $4,200 even up. I said $5.
Yeah, but 42 is the right amount. But that's where you got it. What are you paying this guy a year? Give it to a straight. $34,000. Jimmy makes a good amount of money. Oh, really? More than Red Band? Oh, yeah. That's not what Red Band said. I don't know. Well, I don't know what Red Band makes. I'm guessing. Oh, I thought you paid them. Yeah, but I'm saying right now, Jamie makes more money. Jamie, you rolling in. Because Adam and Eve is not your main sponsor anymore. Bye.
Yeah, fleshlight. Yeah, fleshlight. I saw some thread that was saying that my whole show is like a deep state operation. Thank you. Oh, look at that. And then someone was saying, yeah. State operation that was founded in 2009 by the Fleshlight. I like that. Who stood to gain? Follow the money trail. That's the Fleshlight.
Imagine if the deep state was so clever that they created this podcast. That would be a fucking genius move. Could you imagine? You just get a retard who's an MMA commentator and used to host Fear Factor. Like, this is our guy. A comedian who says a lot of ridiculous shit. This is the guy. Would you slowly build it? What'd you do? Burn yourself? Almost, and then I dropped it. Sorry. Want a new one? You want a freshie? I saw that article. There was an article that Joe was compromised.
Oh, really? And I was like, you want to reply. You're like, no, he's not. It's so funny. That's exactly what they would say. You can't reply. There's no denying it. That's how you know the conspiratards have no boundaries. Everything's a conspiracy. They'll keep going forever. Nothing can just be legitimately successful. No band. No nothing. No movie. There must be a reason. You must have done something. If you become a famous actor, for sure somebody fucked you. Yep.
You know, for sure. Big J had that joke in his... Dog belly. Where he's like, try to defend that you're not racist. Like, no, my cleaner's an Asian. You can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. Well, that's why they use that all the time. Of course. They turn it on you and you have to say, no, I'm not. And then you're already fucked. You hate women. Wait a minute.
No, I don't. Oh, it's already out there. I fuck a woman in the ass. It's already out. Oh, she loved it. Ask her. I'll show you the text messages. The video of you fighting a guy on Fear Factor goes through my algo. Once a week. Oh, yeah. Ready to go. Yeah. Did you actually fight him? No. There's a lot that was cut out of that, though. Oh, let's hear it. Well.
That guy had already... They had warned me about that guy because he had... Really? Yeah, he did something to his wife physically. There was a counselor on another show. He threw the counselor to the ground. He was a violent guy. Uh-huh.
And so when he was in my face, I'm like, this guy might hit me. And so I just decided to grab him. But I pushed him away from me a couple times, and that's what they didn't show. He said something, and I pushed him away from me. He said, don't fucking touch me. I go, what, bitch? Then I pushed him again. I go, what the fuck?
What are you going to do? And I pushed him again. I'm like, all right, we're doing this. So I just grabbed the back of his head. I'm like, I'm going to do one of two things. I'm either going to strangle him or I'm going to knee his fucking face into another dimension. So I just grabbed a hold of the back of his neck.
And I'm like, if this guy hits me, I'm going to figure out what I'm going to do. If he hit me hard, I was going to knee his brains into oblivion. And if he didn't hit me hard, I was going to strangle him. Thank God you didn't host Family Feud. So I was just holding him.
I was just holding him because it was too dangerous. He was screaming. He had already had a history of violence. He was in my face. I could get sucker punched like anybody else. And if you get sucker punched, you get fucked up. Oh, yeah. You don't know a punch is coming.
You get rocked. You can get knocked out. Anybody can. Happen to me. And if he knows how to punch, someone could just swing a punch. And just because you think you're a tough guy, you get hit in the jaw. So I was like, this is too close. So I was just like, clamp. I just grabbed a hold of his neck. I'm like, what?
Nervous about your gig at all? Worrying soon? I was never nervous. You're in the moment anyway. You're not thinking it out regardless. What's crazy is those dudes that think. Like if I was ever about to fight someone that was like. A fighter? You're too close. And like push me away or like. In any type of fucking actual cognizant hold. I'd be like, I gotta leave this guy alone. The thing is, when you grab a guy's neck...
And he's never had his neck grabbed. You grab the back of his neck and clamp your forearms down on his neck like that. And you realize you can't do anything. You have this feeling where you're like... You go, hey, let's talk about this. But I was like, okay.
If I do this, no one gets hurt. But if I do this and he hits me, then I have to do something. So that was what I did. The best one I saw live was there was a heckler at the comedy store. Oh, now we're talking. Terrible. Ruined the whole show. Rogan's on. They'd run him out of there.
And Joe's just like, shots for everybody. He bought the whole place for a shot. It was crazy. Yeah, when we kick people out of the comedy store, I would buy the whole audience shots. He got like employee discount. I was like, this is a bad feeling. It was like a bad feeling. I was like, let's just buy everybody shots. The guy in the front patio comes up afterwards and is like.
you fucking bitch. And the Joe was just so calm. You could just, you read him and you're like, you're not going to do anything. And the guy was like, oh, fuck it. You're like, you won't though. And then. I mean, whatever. Yeah, whatever. We don't have to tell the whole story. I didn't hurt him. You knew the guy wasn't going to do shit, and you just called him on it. It was pretty funny. Man, a lot of shit went down on that patio. That was the Mencia thing, too.
There was no crowd control. There was no crowd. Murder went down on that patio. I got shot. There was no crowd control. There was no security. You had wild, crazy people that were drunk out of their ass looking to start fights. And there was no crowd control in the crowd. Bookers would show up.
That guy ruined the entire show, and they never got kicked out. The early days of the Comedy Store were crazy. There was no crowd control. So a group of drunk guys started yelling at people. That was the night.
Yeah, they yelled at you for the whole night. They ruined the whole show. No one did anything. Jim Painter was on stage once. He was a door guy, but he was doing a set and then some guy started heckling. He's like, hey, you keep shutting up. Like I'm gonna someone's gonna throw you out. He's like who's like me
as soon as they get off. And then the guy heckled him again. He goes, I'm done. And he just grabbed the guy and pulled him out. He's wearing a store shirt. He's like, that's not my job to throw you out. It was just so crazy because we had comics that were door people and some of them weighed 18 pounds. Me!
You said to some guy, he had a heckle in the main room, and he goes, you gotta go. And then I was like, I guess it's me. And I went over there, like 130, I was just starting, and I was like, you gotta go. The guy goes, no. Oh, damn. There's something about that place that just attracted the most psychotic people Do you remember the fucking guy that you almost got sued by because I said that you were his lawyer?
And I told him, Ari is your lawyer. Ari is going to handle you. And Ari starts saying, as your lawyer, I'd advise you. And so Ari starts giving him legal advice. I'm your lawyer. And then in the conversation, you called me. Hey, somebody's going to call you. You're my lawyer. I was like, what? He's like, wait. Wait, somebody's calling me right now. You're my lawyer!
With that as a directive. Ari came down and was like negotiating like legal points with this fucking completely insane person. And then the guy says he's going to sue him. So he sends like a legal letter. Oh, I had to actually get a lawyer to help me out. You know what he sued me for? What? All the riches in the world.
It was on his document. That's pretty good. That's how you negotiate. That or $88 million. He said one or the other. Who is it, Dr. Evil? That was fucking insane. He was like, didn't he? You think it was Jesus or something? I thought he was Jesus. King of Kings. King of Kings. I mean, I kept him on the line for about a year. Oh, it was nuts. I kept talking to him. He'd call. Oh, yeah. He wanted to sue the San Diego State Hospital, which definitely fucked him up.
Definitely fucked him up. He might have had a case there. Yeah, yeah. You actually should contact the red lawyer because it sounds like you're messed up. Call Morgan and Morgan. Bro, there were so many crazy people there. God. It would just attract the most bizarre people and we would always...
talked to them. We would always be in the back parking lot with completely insane people. No security. You're right on Sunset. That was like the heart of us. It was also the magnet. There was something about that store. Mitzi made a deal with the devil. That's why they won't burn. It's already been burnt.
There's something about that place. They tried to kill it with the fucking landslide. They reinforced the wall. Keep it up. There was a time where the back area was bowing so hard from the ground. It was so close to a landslide. I wouldn't go in that back. area. I was like, guys, I would tell them, when it rains, don't go back here. You would see things go like a little mini landslide. Rocks would fall, and the thing was bowing. Like, they had these big timbers, like these fucking...
These pressure-treated beams and they were bowing and I was like guys don't be back here This is how people die this happens and I was telling the store. I was like you got to do something like this They're harsh on my mellow man. They didn't want to spend money. They didn't want to spend If I was feeling paranoid, I would I would fucking try to be close to the door like if you heard something you have to dive through the door I was like really thinking about it. They finally fixed that
They fixed it and reinforced the shit out of it. But it was, like, sketchy. One time it did fall. Remember? There was a bunch of chunks that fell where the cars park. There was an earthquake one day. You get out there. We didn't feel it in there because it's Satan. And you get out like, what the fuck happened out here?
Yeah. We had a little mini landslide back there. I was telling him like one day this whole fucking thing is going to come through. Look what you're stopping it with. You're stopping with a couple of beams and some like rebar. Like this is not going to hold this. It was already going like this. We're just animals. Brody was playing drums like...
just like turned over trash cans, like playing drums. It was like 3 a.m. Chairs. We're all out there. Chairs and pails. And then somebody up there who bought a house thinking, oh, Views of Sun didn't know this was going to happen. And then she goes, it's like 3 a.m. And he goes, guys, keep it down. And Joe Rogan just goes, keep it down. He goes, move. You can't live behind the comedy store. We're not going to tell people to keep it down. You got to move. They were just like.
You live in a terrible spot. They thought they were going to get us so sorry. I know. This is not a place for a home. Well, comedy used to be so lawless and wild westy, and then it got weird rules. There's a bullet hole in the sign back there from Kinnison. Kinnison shot the sign. Exactly. And they didn't even fucking ban him.
Clean that bullet hole up, Ari. That's great. They cleaned that bullet hole up. They fixed it. Yeah, but they fixed the sign. Oh, wait, just now? No, a few years ago. They fixed the sign. Why would you fix the sign? The broken glass was there because Kinnison shot through it. Leave it there. What? Damn. I didn't know they did that. Yeah, they fucking replaced the glass. Don't replace it. No.
That place was crazy. It was so fun. Imagine being there during the Kinison days where they're all on coke. Oh, my God. Fucking in the back room. Marin said that he did so much coke with them, he had voices in his head for a year. A year. A year.
Good Lord. A year. First podcast. Those voices. I remember a time before digital cameras, somebody was like, to Dice, was like, can I take a picture with you? And he's like, sure. Hey, Ari, you take the picture. And he gives me their camera like this. He goes, hey, Ari, you take the picture. And he hands it to me and goes. Because he knew he wanted you to cut the heads off in the picture. And I was like, this. And then he goes, did you get me in it at all? I'm like, no. And he goes.
Nice. Okay. I'm like guessing what he meant. Who did this dice? Now all that fucking guy does is take pictures. That's true. I'm sitting in the green room. He comes in. Who are you? Are you the one that wanted the picture? whole thing is performance art like even back then he was doing that he would go on for two people he would say to the comics he goes watch how come in watch me see how long i can go before i say anything
Wow. And so he'd go on, he'd go, hey, put his thing down, tap his fucking cigarettes. Didn't light him, just chewed him. And then he'd go, so is that the, you know, when you're out there, talk to the guy. You know, you're taking the thing and for like six minutes, just not saying anything. You just did a flight with him, right?
I saw a video of you guys on the plane. This guy looked like me. Oh, my bad. It wasn't you? I bought it. I thought it was you. I posted it as if it was me. I totally bought it. What picture is this? I was like, where are they going together? Yeah, some guy was just bugging. Some guy's trying to get worked on on a flight. Yeah, I thought it was you. He bought a first class flight.
But I thought that was you does like everything I need like with the phone and you know like the Netflix you know what I mean I got it I got it I'm not her and we've been This poor guy. Just maybe aggregate your questions. Aggregate your questions. Some tech guy flying in to do the Facebook algorithm. He's like, I got work to do. Damn. Like I was all excited the middle seats empty and then First guy to ever sell out
Madison Square Garden, sold it out like a hundred times, and here he is talking to people. He sold it a bunch of times. Madison Square Garden? Dice sold Madison Square Garden a bunch of times. I think Louie's got the record. First time to do it. But when Dice did it, no one had ever done it. No one had ever done it.
And he did it twice right away. And then in the middle of that, in the prime of his fucking career, he releases a two-CD set of him bombing. It's him popping into a club. That's right. Dangerfields. Yep. He was like, how do I follow? the biggest album maybe of all time, I'd go the other way. The other way? Yeah. Yeah, just bomb on purpose with Rick Rubin producing it. Let me show you what stand-up is. Whoa. Damn. And Rick Rubin loved it. He was trying to do well.
No. But he was doing it to a crowd he knew wouldn't like him. No, no, no. He didn't have any material. You need to go back and listen to that again. He had no material. He had no material. He was just making things up while he was up there. This guy gets up. You're about as funny as a glass of milk. Some fucking tourist. There's 20 people in the audience. And he's filming a recording a two CD special.
Whoa. Back then, albums were what specials are. More so. Oh, it was huge. But it was crazy that he did it. I haven't heard it in so long. Is it enjoyable? No, it's horrible. It's all concept. It's all concept. It's bombing. He's bombing. It's nonsense. And he's doing it on purpose. Rock said it's his favorite album. Oh, well, it's just crazy. Because he's just, you can't believe he's doing it. Right. Yeah.
it's like a banksy but it's this crazy it's his favorite album because he just had the balls in his prime to do something so insane like as a piece of performance art performance art weird he just doesn't get the credit he deserves because so many people hated on him for a long time
They hated on him because of his success. They didn't like the fact that this guy was doing nursery rhymes and he was like selling out arenas. They didn't like him. They didn't like that he was dirty. But they were looking for excuses because before that, when he wasn't famous... they all would go see him. They would all see him at the store. They all loved him. Everybody like dices up and they'd all watch him and he would kill.
And then he got famous, and they're like, I don't like what this guy's doing. It was like the first cancel culture shit. That's how it always is, that people are just bitter about someone's success. It's like if they were open micers, they'd be like, no, that guy's great. But their theater act, they're like, fuck them. Well, you remember when he did MTV and he got banned?
The same thing with Tony doing Madison Square Garden for the Trump administration. They asked Dice to do a fucking set on one of those MTV Video Music Awards things. And he did Dice? And he does Dice, and they banned him for life from MTV. It was a big deal. It was if he's like, the fucking tampons! Oh! And they were like, no! They told him not to do that material, apparently. Like, yeah. Of course he did it. Of course he did it, and he got banned for life.
And then everybody went on the I hate dice train and comics like professional comedian. So we're like that are like alt comics and the guys that weren't doing as well as him same kind of shit you always hear and they found some reason why he's everything that's wrong with comedy you know it was just it was so dumb man it was so it was so weird that is a bummer but it's crazy to see people's arcs like look at dice now look at roseanne now
Oh, yeah. Where are we going to be? Dice is interesting, though. I was talking to him at the stand last week, two weeks ago, and it was like... Of all the guys who started way, way back then, they all moved in, either quit or became actors or whatever. Dice stayed in stand-up comedy for 50 years. Oh, yeah. He did movies and TV. He just did them.
He never left stand-up. He only did Ford Fairlane. That was the big one. He did one big movie, and it didn't do that well. And then he kind of just went back. And then he's been in stuff. He did that TV show. Remember he had that TV show? Yeah. Bless This House, I think it was called. Natasha Leggero. Was it Natasha? She's on it, yeah. It was on Amazon, I remember.
He's been in a lot of stuff. Jamie. I was just looking at it. One item of cool. He's just in these. Ford Fairlands was his thing. But the Ford Fairlands was the big one. But this is like episodes of shows. Holy shit. Dharma and Greg. I did that. You remember Dharma and Greg? Yeah! So he did Dice Undisputed, 2007. Tosh.0, Blue Jasmine. But what was the show that he did?
Dice. Dice. No, no, no, no, the TV show. Television. Was it called Dice? Dice, yeah. Was it? Wow. I guess so. 13 episodes. It was actually great. Dice was pretty good. Really? Yeah. I never saw it. It was good. Wow. Time to tell you about Jim Norton. Bless this house. That's it. Bless this house. That's the show. Oh, that's he tried to go. 95, 96. That's Dice? Yeah. That's Dice? He came back. He's the wife. And the wife tells him what to do. Wow. Was he in Rugrats? Did I see that? Yeah.
and Rugrats. Bless this house. What the fuck is that? That's an old sitcom. He's in a sitcom. He really tried to do straight up sitcom. And he kind of changed his fucking act for a little bit. I gotta hear this. It looks like you didn't. Yeah. Oh, that's enough. That's enough. That's just King of Queens. That's all of them. That's all of the sitcoms.
We don't want that. Remember Grace Under Fire? She was a pill head. Well, she went nutty and threw a drink in the face of Chuck, what's his name? Lori? Chuck Lori, yeah. End of story for your career. That was it.
Wrapped it up. That's why you never see that show in syndication. Too powerful. She was a feisty coos. There was a few of those moments that happened with comics where they went nutty and then you never see that show again. Titus. Chris Titus. Oh, is that right? Yeah, that show disappeared. They buried that fucking thing. if we can't fix it it's time to nix a dog i don't like dogs I probably saw this episode. How weird. Yeah.
Damn. Yeah. What did happen to touch? Show business is strange, you know? It is. It's a strange fucking business. You gotta take what you can get. I think the strangest thing that I was ever a part of was when you were getting kicked out of your own show.
because you wouldn't do a special on Comedy Central. That's gold. Isn't that wild? That was the wildest thing to be a part of because you were freaking out. You were explaining to me on the phone. You wanted to get money to pay the staff. You were like, I'm going to pay everybody.
do it out of my own pocket and i said wait a minute what you know what i'll go and host it for free remember it was that yeah they were like no i'm like i said i would host it for free i said i would take over his job and i would host it for free i said i'd do it for free they wanted to punish him because he didn't want to do a special on Comedy Central because he got a Netflix deal. This is what Netflix was popping off. And Comedy Central was about...
And his show was one of the most successful shows on Comedy Central. Great show. Yeah, This Is Not Happening was one of the big shows. It had billboards on Sunset. Yep. It's so wild that you kicked off your own show. Yeah. They're like, nah, we can do this now.
You showed integrity. You showed integrity. He wanted to get on Netflix. He was going to give all the money. He was going to pay the entire staff. He was going to go into debt to pay the entire staff because he knew that they were getting fucked. They had all signed off.
that so you know if you're a cameraman or if you're whoever the people that are working behind the scenes there's a whole crew of people that were going to be out money because of him he's like i'll pay those people five seasons they worked on that they blackmailed me they go either sign with us Or these people will all be out of work with two weeks to go. Good luck paying their rent. How do you want to play it? And I'm like, wow. They said it that way? Yeah. Motherfucker.
I was like, I'm not prepared for this. I'm just writing dick jokes. Not only that, but you were within your rights and your contract to do that special on Netflix. It was in his contract that he could do that. It was like, I made one on my own. Imagine a network wanting an Ari Shaffir special. But it was one of the last nails in the coffin for Comedy Central because it was one of their best shows.
And Roy Wood did a great job. Roy Wood's hilarious. But the problem was everybody knew what happened. And then I wasn't there editing it anymore. Yeah, but everybody also knew what happened. They were all grossed out by it. They were like, what? Because you were real public about it. You did my podcast. I should have been more public about it. I could have stopped it if I went on here and be like, hey, Viacom is blackmailing me. I wasn't that big back then. It wouldn't have done it.
It wouldn't have done it back then. It wouldn't have had the impact that it would have. If you did it today, they'd be fucked. Oh, yeah. I mean, it would kill their fucking career. It would kill the network. And you and Roy were cool. You guys worked it out. Roy called me and said, what should I do here? What do I mean to do? I'm not going to do this again.
He goes, unless I get permission, I don't want to do it. And I was like, no, we need to save people jobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the move. It was the move. But you showed so much integrity. That was a ballsy move, because most people, when the shit hits the fan like that, and they're worried about losing their gig, they cave in. And you're like, uh-uh.
I was poor for too long. Mitzi made us poor for too long that I was like, well, I already have no money. Yeah, and you could always tour. You could tour. You could probably make more money doing stand-up than you would do in a show anyway.
Yeah, you editing it was the secret sauce. Yeah. Yeah, you were so dedicated to it. They said we couldn't use a comedian's input on their own stories. What? They were like, I was like, no, I'm going to let them tell me what they want. And they go, no, no, that's a precedent. We can't do that. I was like, and then I go.
Oh, I'll just call them directly. So I called them each. I'm like, what do you want? I'll just make them my notes. Just show me what you want out and stuff. What a mensch. No, you did an amazing job. It was a great show. And I was there when you developed that show. You did a great story on it? Oh, yeah. Is it a great one? The woods, the Alabama woods? True story, too. That's crazy. That was a crazy one. Crazy story. With who? Who was the fighter? I don't want to say. Okay.
I didn't say on it. Leave that guy alone. The guy's had gone through enough. But I saw you develop it at the lab, at the improv. I was like, what is he doing? I was like, what is he doing over here? What is Ari doing? He's like, storytelling shows? Like, what is this? It was weird. It was like comics have cool stories. I know, but it was like you had a vision and you started piecing it together. And then all of a sudden it's on fucking Comedy Central. I'm like, look at Ari. Like, this is crazy.
You pulled it off. Do you ever feel like, hey, why am I so judgmental? Why am I judging him for trying to story show? And then it blew up. Hey, what's he doing? Oh, yeah, for sure. But, you know, in the beginning. It was a month-a-month show. It wasn't that long. I was like, also plenty of, you see your friends doing dumb shit.
Sure. You go, what the fuck is he doing? Nine times out of ten. Well, Ari gave me the worst advice of all time. Ari gave me the worst advice ever. He's like, you've got to edit your show. The show's too long. We're two hours over. No one's going to listen. Two hours are my advice. No one's going to listen. You've got to edit your show. It was a fun live show.
It was fun every time. People would do it. And then eventually it was like, I guess TV. Yeah, dude. You fucking killed it. And you should bring it back. Yeah, you should. Netflix should do it. Maybe I bully them too. Ooh, I like it. They should do it. We should bring back that's not happening. Why not? Do you have the name anymore? Who owns the name? Neither one of us own the name.
It's both of us, like, if we do anything with that name. How about you call it This Is Happening? This Is Still Happening? Yeah. Wait, who's neither one of us? Neither Comedy Central nor me can do it without the others. Well, just wait a year, Comedy Central's. Yeah, they'll be for sale. You could probably buy them.
Yeah, they got burned up in the fires. What are they now? They're like all South Park. They're just a production company. They're not even South Park anymore, right? South Park's on Hulu. Paramount, right? South Park's on Hulu. Daily Show? Hulu. What's left? Daily Show is not on Comedy Central either. It's not. I think it is. It's a Comedy Central production that's on Paramount on Hulu. So what is on Comedy Central now? Old reruns. Of The Office? Yeah. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Wow.
Damn. It used to be the spot. It's sad. The Chappelle Show. It's sad. It was a great outlet for comics. One of the greatest sketch, if not the greatest, South Park. Tosh.0. Yes. Second best sketch of all. Workaholic. Isn't that crazy? Might have been too. The appeal.
That was a more improved version of it. Kind of amazing when you think about their downfall. It was a great spot. It was big. Remember they wanted to do like an app? Like, we'll do your special on their app. And everybody's like, who's going to get your app? Why would they not let Joe Rogan just...
Rogan, Segura, Kreischer, they'd all host Ali Sadiq. They're like, no. Anyone we suggested, they're like, no. Yeah, we said we'd host it for free. Save money. Yeah. You don't have to pay the fucking guy hosting it. They were so butthurt. Oh, dirty pool. So dirty. That's so dirty. So dirty. Yeah.
What a dumb fucking thing to do. They fucked themselves. Soda wore an Ari Shaffir shirt on that season because he was under contract with Comedy Central because I can't pull out, but I'll wear a shirt that says you. So crazy. Soda's the best. Soda rules. Yeah, he rules. Did you make any... money on that show at least? I did back then, but... Alright. Dude, it was a big fucking show. You remember the stern debacle? Yeah!
Who's this guy? Nobody knows him. And Ari stands in front of his billboard on Comedy Central. No one's heard of you. And then tells him to fucking go to Netscape Navigator to look it up. I know you old people don't understand Google. Jamie, help me with that video.
It was early Jamie. I was like, can you help me make this? It was genius because you were kind of kissing his ass while you were doing it. It was amazing. Mr. Stern, I meant no disrespect. It was amazing. By calling you an old man and blow him and Clint Eastwood's dicks. in our old man camp. He spent a half an hour talking about you like he was going to ruin you and you fucking owned him. It all helped. And then he never talked about you again. Yeah, I think his staff was like, guy.
Bro, you should not, not the staff, the fucking internet. Like the beating that he took from that was, it was like such a checkmate move. Because the photo of you standing in front of a billboard, the odds of it happening while the billboard, that is huge.
That's like karma. Why was he going at you? I said something about. Radio's dead. He did on my podcast. He went off. He was saying something. I was like, fuck him. Fuck Stern. He's out of touch. Him and Clint Eastwood should go blow each other's. wrinkled dicks in their old man camps yeah that's what he said and then and then right at the time he was saying podcasts are not the future you gotta do radio and it was like
Bro, it's okay. You're out of touch. You got to be a broadcaster. You got to work your way up. 30 minutes has been on me. He thought that was real back then. That's funny. They all thought it was never going to go. They thought the podcast thing was just a, what are these guys wasting their time? I know. It's so funny. Look at him now.
Burt Kreischer on some radio show. They had an ad for like MeUndies or something. And Burt was like, how much did you make for that? The guy's like, I do okay. And he goes, let's, because I had them too as a sponsor. And he goes, oh, okay, how much did you make? He goes, same time. Bert loves that. Same time. So they go, okay. And then at the same time, he goes, one, two, three, go. And the guy goes, $75. And Bert goes, $3,500. And he goes, what? And he goes, 75 bucks. What?
Because CBS is taking all your money. Louis did that to Schultz. You see that episode? No. Where Louis did a flagrant. He was like, because Schultz just put out a special behind a paywall. And he's like, you did that. I got the idea from you. And I made a ton of money. And Schultz's like, well, what did you make? He goes, you go first. And Schultz goes, five million. He goes, that was stupid. You shouldn't have told me. Because Louis wouldn't say. But he made way more than that.
Yeah, if you, well, also with him, like that was the only way to see him because it was in like the height of, so like the thing about people wanting to rebel against cancel culture, they had to go to his website to get it. He was always the first that Louie, that time and then like the early time $5. No one else had the success of the edit with that first one. Yeah. Genius. A million dollars in like a day. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Genius. Self-funded. He made it so easy to get.
You'd be better off buying it than stealing it. And also, he realized from that point on, like, hey, I'll just do all my own stuff now. That way they can't just take it away from me. Yeah. I always have a direct connection to my fans. He always had email lists. Mailer lists, yeah. And his email list, he wrote.
Writes things. It's like, it's good. Yeah, it gives you a newsletter. Yeah, but it's funny. It's like, it's genius. Even his TV show was different. Yeah. I don't want notes, so I'll just take less money. Yeah, and he fucking edited it all on a little MacBook.
He edited it all like one of those little tiny 14-inch map books. Yeah. He's a different breed. And now, you know, like, you can't fuck with him. You can do whatever he wants now. Like, he's basically got his own fan base. They all got to leave him alone. Yeah. Kind of amazing. He's got new material of killing. It's always killing. He took about a year off, right? Yeah. Took a year off. What, that time? Just chill out? No, no. After the garden.
Yeah, he said, he's like, I'm not doing stand-up anymore. Every time I talked to him, I was like, well... Since you're a former comic, you wouldn't understand. Shut up, Ari. How's your sculpting class going, loser? He did love that. He loved that sculpting. He loves sculpting. All right, boys.
I finally have to pee. All right. So let's wrap this up. Jesus, that's unbelievable. Yeah, I've gone five and a half hours without peeing. Solid. Did we do five and a half? At least. I think we did. 130. We did five, for sure. Go watch an R.E. Special. Thank you. R.E. Special.
It's on Netflix right now. America's Sweetheart. $85,000 worth of plants. Watch it all the way to the end. Even if you can't watch it, watch it all the way through. You just wasted $85,000, huh? No, we spent it. Look at it. It's beautiful. America's Sweetheart. What do they do with those plants after? Just throw them in the garbage? The flowers we gave to the staff. That's right. That was the biggest park we had. Praise Allah, folks. Thank you.