Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Boys, boys, we're up. Hey. Hey. Let's go. Party. Headphones. You know how we do it. Black guys can be gay now. What happened? Black guys can't be gay. It's allowed. They were never allowed to be gay. Well, I think the Diddy thing let it all out of the closet. Like, hey, what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Yeah, I need something concrete. I want to try this. He's got a new recipe. Hey, new recipe, new bottle on Bodega. What's the new recipe? Check it out. Tastes just like Buffalo Trace. Well, I have Buffalo Trace right here. We just poured out Buffalo Trace into Bonega Castle. This is better for you. Oh, it's better for you? Yeah, Buffalo Trace is racist and homophobic. It's got blood diamonds in it, too.
Okay, Bodega Cat. That's pretty good. Hey! That's pretty good. That's different. Endorsement. It's different. It's better than the old one. Yeah, it's smoother. Is that an official endorsement? Okay, now Buffalo Trays. Easy. Oh they win.
You gotta do blind taste tests. I'll take it. That's good, though. Pretty good, though. That's an upgrade from last time. I'm fucking around, kind of. This is good. The Buffalo Jays is really good, but that's way better than the first version. Thank you! Bodega Cat's good. I got that at a bar. I'd be like, oh, it's nice. You know what's fun? We didn't even change it. I lied. Really? You see? Marketing. Really? It's smooth. Lying work. How do you not?
change it. No, we changed it. I was like, that doesn't make any sense because the first one was like, it kind of had like, the first one kind of had like a rushed taste to it. You know, like if you're doing a gig in Cincinnati and you know, they're not really using well whiskey. You know what I mean? You order a drink at the bar and you're like, what is this? It's a local low-level brewery. Distillery. Sorry. Thank you. Hey, how about some stogies, huh, boys? I got some.
I brought you guys some from fucking Cuba and then they stole them at the airport. You battle with TSA, dude. TSA owns your ass. They fuck you up. God damn it, they keep beating me. They got your lighter in front of you, you screamed ass.
That was so great. I was in full fucking bitch mode and Shane's like, whoa. Yeah, I didn't know you had this trauma with them. But yo, imagine being them though. Imagine dealing with people's stinky feet and bullshit excuses. And then some giant Jew comes in with a gun lighter. I was with Ari once when Ari farted on a TSA
I just farted on you. No. Yes, he did. 100%. This is like young Ari. Young Ari was even more crazy. Young Ari was great. Young Ari was even more crazy. And young Ari was like, this is what you choose to do with your life. This is what you choose to do. Violate people's freedom. Is this what you choose to do with your life? He would never, ever let them put him through the cancer machine. He only would get touched. So he would like, no, no. I was getting swamped out by it.
by an Asian guy who goes, isn't this demeaning in your culture, what you're doing? Young Ari was an anarchist. Oh, he was like uncomfortable. I was like, Jesus Christ, Ari, I don't want to go to jail. So Young Ari, what was that, 40 years ago? Rogan would constantly be calling 9-1 and waiting.
Don't say 9-11 at an airport. Because I know Ari. Ari's like one of those dudes that he has a switch. And when he crosses over to the other side, you're going to have to wrestle him out of that room. He's going to kill somebody. I spazz. I spazz. I spazz. It's an extreme conviction. He extremely believes in his convictions, and when someone's doing something he thinks is immoral or unethical, he gets fucking furious.
TSA you remember that when they started going like state your name I'm like what why is that a new one And it was only some places. I was like, why? And one guy at LAX was like, I'm like, why? Why do I have to say my name? And he goes, because my boss wants to take more power than other people's. And I'm like, okay. That's honest. That's all I wanted.
State your name. Fuck off. Say my name. I remember the old days, dude. When I first started traveling, you could give your ticket to somebody. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You could just give your ticket to another person. Like, hey, I got a ticket. Yeah. You just have a ticket. here do you want to go that's awesome and you boom you can get on a plane that's great for bitches oh you're like i'll find one of them
I'll lock this price in. I'll lock this price in and I'll find a bitch. You used to have to go wait with your girlfriend at the gate. Remember that? Oh, you had to. Now you don't have to. That's one good thing. That is one good thing. That's one good thing. It's a curb drop-off.
with people waiting to meet their friends. Now all those mutts, they have to be down there at the baggage claim. People don't talk about the good that came out of 9-11. I got recessed that day. That's another one. That was a big day. That whole area downtown has been rejuvenated. Do you remember where you were? Yeah, it was in eighth grade. Bro, that area killed Donna Summer.
What? She got lung cancer from like some, I think it's lung cancer, some horrible lung disease from breathing in the toxic fumes from the burn pits. What? The government said there were no toxic fumes. A lot of firemen will disagree. A lot of those people that had to like clear out that area, they're all fucked up from chemical burns. Yeah. That fire burned for like weeks down there. No Jews in the building. Not one. Mm-hmm. Not one Jew died.
That's why TSA's up here. A text message, like a chat group that you guys are involved in? One Jew died. He thought he had time to go back in close a deal That's the mother mode of conspiracy theories you lose your life if you start like going down the rabbit hole of like Tower 7. Oh, yeah.
The best is Eddie Griffin with 9-11. Because he is a conspiracy guy. He told us there was gold. There was gold. The trains never stop, motherfucker. Yeah, he had a whole rant on stage. The gold underneath. The trains ran 24-7. Like what? The trains ran. You're going to transport gold on the subway? That seems risky. Have you ever been on the subway, sir? I transported a fucking box of human feces and I was worried I was going to get mugged. For you
One of the wise men. Missed your guys. Missed you guys too. I missed you guys too. We have to save the world. It's been too long. Too long. Shane's been busy making a fucking way in the world. Shane and I were taking a piss and we're like, dude, it feels like we're about to jump out of a helicopter. This is like, before we do this thing, it's just like, let's go. I was in the car on the way here just looking out the window like...
I was so happy. I know. It's a beautiful day and we're going to ruin it in the studio in the dark. It's always beautiful here. It's like, dude, we're day drinking with friends. Yes! Come on, man. It would be nice, though, if you put, like, a Toronto, like...
Retractable roof in here. Oh, that'd be cool. That'd be a problem. That's an engineering issue. It's a safety and security issue. Handle a lot of camp. Yeah, people could fucking parachute into the podcast. Remember that guy parachuted into the Holyfield fight? Fan man.
Holyfield versus Riddick Bowe. Wow. The guy parachuted and landed in the ring. And fucked the whole fight up. Fucked the fight up. Because it delayed the fight by many minutes. And then the guys cooled off. I think it was like late in the fight, too. So here it is. Round seven. He's seeing it. Mills Lane, the referee. He did not expect this save the world you asshole was this pre 9-11? Yes. So they don't even think it's terrorism.
No, no, they were just fucking that dude up. Oh, the hang glider. This was the 90s, I believe. I believe it was the early 90s. This episode is brought to you by Vivo Barefoot. We are in the middle of a footwear crisis, despite around 95% of people being born with healthy... feet. A lifetime in conventional shoes can often weaken and distort them. That's why Vivo Barefoot is on a mission to reconnect people to nature and human natural potential with footwear that maximizes feeling and
freedom of movement, helping you regain natural shape and sensation. Go to vivo barefoot.com slash Joe dash Rogan to learn more and get 20% off your first vivos with. promo code JR20. Damn. They're all in there touching them for no reason. Did it say what year that is, Jimmy? No, it didn't say.
It's it had to be the 90s because I know I was living in New York I think I was living in New York when this was happening landing and immediately getting beat up Swoop in the white guy were in the Howard University With the hat on? Yeah. That was a bad hat. Yeah, Howard University. Look at the hat on that guy. He's so fucking white. Who the fuck is that white ass? Listen, man, like J.D. Vance. He's got to represent. He was undercover. He was FBI trying to infiltrate. He's like, I'm cool.
Back then you could wear blackface. That's true. It wasn't that long ago that Tropic Thunder was wet. What year was that? 2008. You can still do it if you control your invite list. You see Jay Leno? He's in full blackface. What happened to him? He fell down a hill. He's getting hammered, fall down hills. Apparently he owed a hill some money. What was that? He fell. That was a Chris Brown.
He was at a hotel. He saw a fucking TGI Fridays at the bottom of a hill. He said, I'm going to get a brewski. Well, you got to realize that guy was in a motorcycle accident like a year and a half or so ago. Fucked his knees up. So he's probably very unsteady on his legs. And then before that, he was severely burned. He was severely burned like three years ago. He's in Final Destination. They want him. Have you met him?
No. He's not a robust man. Like, he's a guy that if he fell off of a motorcycle, he's getting fucked up. Oh, right. And he got fucked up. So, to me, like, him falling and hitting his face on the ground. Jesus Christ! Listen, that could happen to anyone.
of us, but if you're this guy, you probably can't stop yourself from falling flat on your face. He doesn't give away. He's talking shit to death, dude. He goes and gets pictures. He goes, yeah, you motherfucker. Well, this guy rides a fucking motorcycle. He rides a motorcycle all the time looks like a four-minute of mine. He's got an eye patch That's when he got severely burned. What did the hill do? He really does look like a Bond villain
That's the burn. If you get that, so that was two years ago, I guess? So if you get that fucked up by a fire and then you fall on a motorcycle and you break your knees, like what was his motorcycle injuries? Find out what his motorcycle injuries. Man, that was Bernie Sanders. He just doesn't look like the same guy. He looks pretty frail now. He never complains, though. 72. Broke his collarbone. Getting clotheslined in his vintage motorcycle. Clotheslined by wire.
strung across a parking lot. What, he's driving through a Hasidic Jewish neighborhood? He's getting like Wiley the Coyote injuries. And that's two months after the burns. So he was recovering from the burns where a fucking engine blew up. face. What the fuck? I'll be 72 in four years. The fucking guy. Preemptive strike. He's still out there turning wrenches. He's fucking 70 years old working on these cars.
He's tough. Everybody's complaining. Everybody's a victim. Not Jay Leno. Jesus Christ. Oh, you can see a tire on his face. That actually looks like a skin graft. Oh, man. Yikes. Yeah, that's what that looks like. Dude, Leno kind of rules for this. Look, the guy's out there. I don't want to take over the Daily Show. He's got a hell of a chin. I don't have the balls to ride a motorcycle. He's got a hell of a chin, dude. You got that right.
Damn. Tough guy. Clean comics. They're psychos. He was really good back in the day. Really good in the 70s. When I started, people were saying, obviously, everyone was like, prior number one. And then, like, who's number two is the only... And then they go... A lot of people said Leno. Leno was an edgy motherfucker when he was young. What? But he wanted that job, man. We got to realize what that carrot was to guys from that era. If you have a chance to host The Tonight Show...
That is the end-all be-all. Fuck selling out Madison Square Garden, doing stand-up, fucking HBO special. The Tonight Show was the spot. You were the kingmaker. You were taking over Carson. You were on the level of Frank Sinatra. You guys would be friends now. Yes. And there were like four jobs back then for comics. Exactly. You can make other comics. But that was the job. If you were a guy coming up in the 70s and then in the 80s, that job was the fucking ultimate top.
You'd position. Well, this is The Tonight Show now, wouldn't you say? That's ridiculous, but I think it is. I mean, it's not clean and you don't have to wear a suit, but no one's watching The Tonight Show. I didn't want this, right? Oh, this is The Tonight Show now. Oh, I get it. I get it.
The difference is like I'm not changing who I am to get this because I needed this. But I think that's what Jay Leno did. Of course. I think he was an edgy, like, he was a leather jacket, fucking talking shit about people. Yeah, man. He was good.
Good dude. You ever see him on Letterman eating a hoagie? He's just sitting there eating a hoagie fucking with Letterman. He was good. Also, when he took over, he had a day where he's like, you can host today. He booked Michael Richards. He goes, I want you. He was booking like weird, edgy people for his version of that show. And word.
He was a real comic, but I think that job just demands compliance. You have to fit into that position. And then, you know, remember that Bill Hicks bit about him interviewing Joey Lawrence? girlfriend yeah well no she thinks so and then Jay Leno reaches in and grabs an Uzi and sprays his brains out he unloads the clip and reloads it and his brains spray
into an NBC peacock because he's a company man to the bitter end. I asked Jay Leno about that bit once. He had a weird response. He was like, yeah, you know.
He didn't want to do jokes for everybody. I forgot he talks like he's from the 20s, too. He's getting three Stooges injuries and be like, aww. Norman, you and Leno should have a combo. He was a fun guy on the podcast because he was telling these crazy stories about old... school shows that he did like this mafia guy yelling at a priest and jay leno was screaming and swearing it was wild
Wow, you know his old move. Before there were a bunch of clubs around in the late 60s, he would go to a strip club, put 50 bucks on the bar, and go, if I bomb, keep it. And if I do well, just give me the 50 back. Really? True story. Leno. Wow, so he would not even be working for free. Leno rules. Yeah. Leno's great. He just became a different guy to get that show. That's really what it is.
That's the sitcom thing, man. You see it a lot with guys that are really good comics coming up, and then they get on a show and they start being careful. They start pulling back. You have a Netflix show. It's different. That's a different animal. But also, he went in.
Dice style, where he's like, I'm going to be me. And they're like, we're signing you for you. So he can keep being him. It's possible to keep being you, but it's very difficult. Most people, they get trapped by the fucking siren song. banshees lead them into the rocks. Thankfully stand-up is the most incentive. That's the most incentive that you could possibly have. It should be.
It just is. But people that are really captivated by the idea of having a show, for them, it's like the ultimate, I made it. I have my own show. Stand-up is so much easier. So much better. So much better. I remember when I found out how much money people would make doing stand-up. They sold out a whole weekend at the Irvine Improv. I was like, that's what I get at a comedy club What they get at a comic club is what I get on sitcoms. A season. No, no, an episode. That'd be close. No.
Shane, Shane, Shane. It's a different time. What you're doing is a different thing. For sure. A long time ago, no one was doing the Wells Fargo. For sure. We couldn't even get free tickets to the Wells Fargo, bro. Relax. But you remember when you first started selling out comedy. Yeah, oh my god. This is like sitcom money adding shows money. Yeah teacher for the year money. Yeah for a whole year Yeah, what a teacher gets in a whole year you get in a weekend
It's hard to get there. They could do it too. You don't like teaching? Put together an act. It just takes 14 years to build up. That's the thing. The reality of comedy is it really takes 10 years to be any good.
It's like a 10-year process. It's funny to see the friends from like high school go from like, oh, that's cool. But also like, I feel sorry for him. We're all trying to get big in the business. I'm always like barely able to afford McDonald's. And then like as you start, oh, he's doing okay. And then like either like hell yeah or.
jealousy like why do you get this oh yeah there's a lot of that for two decades well you know where the real jealousy comes from people that don't have any growth in their profession where they it's not possible like this is the height of you can maintain this and you need to budget your lifestyle and you'll be fine, but there's no dream.
There's no chase. There's no thing. So when they see a guy like you chasing stuff, putting together specials, getting more popular. Oh, my God, he sold out. What? Oh, that's crazy. That sort of like fucks with people because they realize they didn't make a choice that's exciting. You got to grow. You hear that, Jamie?
Jamie grew a mustache. Jamie's looking Mexican as fuck now. Yeah, you look good. Jaime Vernon. Hi caramba. I thought he looked more Persian. Oh, yeah. He could pass anything, brother. Like a rug. Oh, because he's got that long hair, too. You look good, dude. It's like a crazy hair. Ponytail mustache. What does that hat say? I don't know. It was in my house. Waga house. Waga house. What is that? I don't know. They sent it to me. I think it's Aaron Rodgers. Oh, okay.
J-Mo, pull that up. Is that Aaron Rodgers? Actually, don't pull it up. I think it's Aaron Rodgers. Speaking of Jets, 9-11, we brought it all back. That's the weave. That's the weave. That's the weave. We brought it back to the weave. That's like my black ex. Sorry, you're sitting in the Trump seat. How does it feel? Got the Jets up. Feels powerful.
Powerful, bro. Yeah, you can feel it. Give me some Bushidos. He's got a big fat energy. He does have a thicky. Big, big rump in that McDonald's apron. Giant rump. Oh, I got to have a dick off of Trump. Is the RFK Jr. saying that he was like complaining about what he eats? He's like...
get on the plane with him and it's garbage. It's poison. It's all either KFC or McDonald's. Yeah, it's like KFC or McDonald's. Those are your two options. RFK talks about Trunk the way I talk about DeRosa. It's like stop. with the shots already. Having a good time. Come on. It's my birthday week. Do a shot. One shot. Also, they're talking about RFK for the HHS role. Health and Human Services. Well, you're on a plane with a guy eating poison.
And he's running the whole world. It's a tough sell. You need Susan Powder to run that. It's like, baby, I should eat poison. He's doing great. I had Froot Loops today. I just feel RFK mad at me when you eat cereal. You gotta buy them from Canada. Go to Froot Loops. Use a VPN. and get on a Canadian Amazon and have them shipped across the seas. You ever heard RFK talking about his son taking mushrooms? What? Pull it up.
Oh, it's wild. He was like, I thought these were all drugs, and then I saw him get better. He's the voice of a generation. His son, the one who served? I don't know, because he'd fight all the time, and he'd get into arguments and hockey, and then took these drugs, and he's a cooler person. Whoa. His son.
One of his sons went and fought for Ukraine. He's like a machine gun in Ukraine. I didn't know that. You can go do it. They'll let you go over there. Nah, they don't want me. 100%. Just get half fit.
Do five chin-ups. You can watch it. I've been watching. They'll send you right over there. You can watch the war. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Now you don't want to watch it. It's weird. It's like trench warfare. It's like five on five. Let's see it. It's weird. Whoa. Like Iowa basketball? Would you go? Yeah. You're watching it the same way people watch those little fucking...
What are those little cameras called? What are those things called? The body cams, GoPros. It's like GoPro footage of a guy doing a BMX trail. Shaky. Yeah, it looks like that. Yeah, it's like a guy running down the trail shooting people in a pit. What? You don't want to see it.
And the drones are shitty. You're right. They're like little shitty drones you see at like a park. They're suicide drones. Yeah, and you just hear them. They shoot down. They just land on you and blow you up. Damn, man. We got it good. There's a video of a guy throwing his AK at the drone, and the drone explodes in the air, and it saves him. And he saves him. Yeah, it saves him. Wow. But for now. Different kind of warfare. If we're talking about it, what are we doing over there?
Yeah, pull out! Meanwhile, what is Biden doing allowing Ukraine to launch long-range missiles into Russia? Cut it out. I love when these presidents do something last minute that they know is going to get reversed. They're just like, here, I'll throw this in. No, they did it.
I know, but he's like, I'm done. I'll just wait until the next guy comes in and has to change it. He's messing, and he's trying to make it messy for Trump. Well, it's not just messy. It might be a war. It might be the end of the world. It could be the end of the world. It could be a hot war.
where they could suspend this changing of the guard, too. Who knows what the fuck could happen? Aren't they just trying to occupy Russia? Just keep them occupied? Here's the thing, dude. Is that the deal? I don't know. If you've got shit, if you've got a guy that's coming in that wants to find all the... and find what happened during 2020 and find out who colluded and check emails and check...
There's a lot of incentive to do some wild shit to keep him from taking that position. I know that's super tinfoil, Hattie. I mean, it's not Hunter. Why was Hunter at Burisma? Right. Good question. What does that mean? What are those terms? Biden's son was working for Burisma, which is a huge company in Ukraine. He was making millions of dollars for a job he was completely unqualified for. He was on the board of an energy company in Ukraine while he was, I think it was while he was on crack.
Crazy speech where Biden is on stage with a couple of guys and he's talking about how he fired the prosecutor. He got the prosecutor fired or they wouldn't have got the money. Let's see if you can find that. Because it's so crazy. This guy's ego is so nuts that he said this publicly just to flex. He's basically just explaining the power that he had as vice president while his son was.
working for Burisma and he's just expressing it publicly and it should be a crime it's like what you're saying sounds like doesn't sound like what I want from the president sounds crazy yeah but for a crackhead he got a lot done he was going
Yeah, that boy was going wild. A lot of hookers. I actually, I'm coming around on Biden. Biden's nice. Hunter rule. Joe's funny. Now that Joe's at the end and he's kind of, other than the whole escalation. First of all, if you think it's Joe's idea to launch.
those missiles there's no fucking way joe joe has nothing to do with that joe had a giant smile on his face when he was sitting there with trump giant smile did you see gaffigan's joke about about that is apparently yeah gaffigan's joke about uh he goes um There's only a couple Democrats that don't like Kamala, and it's Joe Biden's family. So play this so we can hear it. Start it from the beginning.
Uh-oh. Billion dollars. No, I said, we're not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You're not the president. The president said, I said, call him. I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting the billion dollars. I said, you're not getting the billion? I'm going to be leaving here. And I think it was, what, six hours? I looked, I said, I'm leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor's not fired, you're not getting the money. Oh, son of a bitch.
Got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid at the time. So this is a reference. He was very, very sharp. When he was younger, he was still full of shit, but he was sharp. Yeah. What was that in reference to? See if you can failers above. They said it was a corrupt prosecutor. Well, they want to get about Ukraine. They keep trying to get their own Ukraine. Whatever. Ukraine is corrupt as fuck. Yeah, always has been. He owes us a lot of money.
He owes me money. That's not a big deal. Yes. Billions. Tucker told me they had a deal, a ceasefire in place in the UK and the US. We're like, nope, no ceasefire. Keep it going. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, boy. What about Gaza? Ukraine. Ukraine. Son of a bitch. I like that. Ukraine. Son of a bitch. That's a mess. Call off. Call off the dogs. Just give back those people and everybody chill out. I bet those people are all dead, dude. No, they just got a couple more back.
Oh, really? Yeah, the women, they're trying to impregnate all the time, so they've got tasks. Well, still, you can't blow up a bunch of kids, though. Yeah, so just give that shit back. I know, but also, you know. Yeah, I know. Everybody's shitty there. You guys are running off the score. Here, Bayer, allies, pushed out Ukrainian prosecutor because he didn't pursue corruption cases.
So whistleblower complaint centering on President Donald Trump's phone call with Ukrainian president has spurred a number of allegations and counter allegations as Republicans and Democrats jockey for position amid an impeachment inquiry at the heart of Congress probe into the president's actions.
is his claim that former vice president and 2020 Democratic front-runner Joe Biden strong-armed the Ukrainian government to fire its top prosecutor in order to thwart an investigation into a company tied to his son, Hunter Biden. But sources range. from former Obama administration officials to anti-corruption advocate in Ukraine say the official, Viktor Shokin, was ousted for the opposite reason Trump and his allies claim. Of course they say that. It wasn't because Shokin was investigating.
getting a natural gas company tied to Biden's son. It was because Shokin wasn't pursuing corruption amongst the country's politicians, according to a Ukrainian official and four former American officials who specialize in Ukraine and Europe. That sounds... Like a convenient narrative. I don't know what's true, but that sounds a little convenient. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. He was fired because he wasn't investigating corruption. We insist that they investigate corruption in other countries.
And if they don't we won't give you the money. In fact, we are so ethical that if we don't look at your papers and find zero corruption, you don't get the billion dollars. Well, son of a bitch. They fired him. Shut the fuck up. What am I, a child? You think I'm a child? It works. Well, Trump's going to pardon him. They're all doing it. It's just government. Hunter. Is he? Yeah, he said that.
It's just government. They're all fucking bullshits. Imagine that guy being your dad. You'd do crack, too. You'd be out there. Get wild. Getting foot jobs. Filming it. Leaving it on a laptop. These guys lost. Also, when you're making millions of dollars for a job you really shouldn't have, you go wild. Of course. Oh, yeah. Especially if you're ready at Cokehead. Stand-up comedy. Yeah, Kim Kardashian. You go wild. You go fucking wild. Yeah, stand-up comedy.
Like, let me drink. I'm making so much money. Let me drink before work. Tony Inchcliffe has four thrones. He has a lot of thrones. He has way more thrones than anyone should have. He gets thrones made. Speaking of getting a new throne. It's tough, dude. Don't get me started on that fucking shit. But we need thrones. We should get four thrones that we only use and protect our parts. That we reel in for this? Oh.
How about that? That's funny. How about that? What should they look like? Like a mid-Somar thing. Put a toilet in it. Oh, that's not bad. You'll have to get up. That's not bad. I'd love a toilet in there. Imagine we're sitting here smelling. Are we shitting it? It'd be just like a bus. Don't shit on the bus. We don't be shitting the whole time. You got that right. Look at each other in the eyes. Can't talk, baby.
That'd be terrible. You already shit in a box. What are you talking about? You shit on stage at Skankfest. No pissing to that. Dude, I went into a public bathroom yesterday at a football game, and this guy shit so bad that as I walked in, I could barely hang on. I was like... Oh, no, it was a big bathroom, like six, seven stalls. Wait, you went to the UT game? No, no, it was a high school game. Oh. What? What? You're not allowed there. It's fun. All right. High school football is fun.
It was fun. So anyway, I go, it was fun. Drink a hot cocoa for $2. It's fucking fun, man. Watch some shitty snapper get replaced halfway through. And they play good. They play good. I'm getting into football. I used to be Fairfax High. Football fucking rules. You'd see people get swapped out. I'm enjoying Notre Dame football. I'm enjoying football. You'd be such a good Notre Dame fan.
I'm enjoying it. But the point is, like, this guy's shit. We need the NIL. We need your NIL. Hold on a second, Joe. Let's talk business. The moment I walk in, I was like, oh, I was like, I can hold it. I was like, no, I can hold it. Like, his shit was so bad that in a big... bathroom. It just overpowered the whole bathroom. One dude. Football bathrooms are up there with like JFK airport dumps. Airport dumps. Some guy from fucking Senegal lands.
Just a bad camel he ate before he took off. Smuggling and worms. Hold on, you liked it. JFK I had an all-time. Me and O'Connor were at JFK. We landed and got drunk. We got drunk at the Buffalo Wild Wings. Oh, yeah. It was on a Sunday, so we were watching football, and we got hammered. But we started fighting. We always fight about shit. He's a liberal dude. He loves blueski. We were getting...
Fucked up arguing about that, and then in the middle of the argument, I went to go- This episode is brought to you by Vivo Barefoot. Let me tell you something you might not know. Ever wondered why your feet are shoe-shaped and not foot-shaped? All that fancy underfoot technology in conventional shoes is actually making our feet weak and shoe-shaped, which ultimately...
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I just fell on the ground at the JFK airport. Jay Leno. I was laying in the bathroom at JFK and he walked in. We had just been fighting. This is an argument loser. Yeah. You know what I mean? You can't be laying on the floor in the bathroom and be like, actually, I know what I'm talking about. Obviously, I'm the biggest piece of shit that's ever lived. Yeah, you lose no matter what. Yeah.
If you follow JFK, you're... Like, what's soaked into your clothes? You kill yourself. Oh, you go to public bathrooms and the floor is just soaked. Soaked. You walk in and you're like... High school football? I was the mascot for my high school. No way. What was it? What kind of outfit? I was a cavalier. What's that? It's a big head. It's like a pirate. Oh. It's a dude.
I got fired the first game. Oh no. Why? Too many puns? It was when this was big. You were doing Suck It? I was doing a Suck It and they let me go. The Suck It? You were hitting Suck It as a Cavalier? That was huge! That's very not Cavalier. It's funny when you find out that Hinchcliffe was a fucking umpire in high school baseball. What? Hinchcliffe can wrestle. He can wrestle. He really can wrestle. He had a wrestling match with...
David Lucas on stage at the after hours. That's how you were there. Yeah, he fucked David Lucas up. David Lucas is like 300 pounds. Damn. Yeah, up a little. I'm being nice. But Hinchcliffe can fucking wrestle. He can wrestle. He did a duck under, got behind him, pushed him onto his back. David Lucas was scrambling, trying to get to his feet. Hencliffe was controlling him. He was furious. He couldn't believe it. Tony was the top. Yeah, you'll like it. That's how we find out.
out of breath in four seconds. Wow. There's four seconds of exertion and he was ready to have a heart attack. Tell that fellow. Gotta clean that up. Hinchcliffe. He almost lost the whole election. Yeah, he did. No, he gained him votes. They were going to write stories. They had stories already written that if the election went to Kamala, they were going to blame Tony Hinchcliffe. Whoa.
A bunch of different media outlets. It would have been the funniest. It's so funny how they thought Latinos just hadn't made up their mind yet. Right. And this was enough to sway. They're just a bit racist. Well, yeah. The Democrats. Not fully, but a bit. Latino's a big group. They act like it's just so hard. Yeah, you make fun of Puerto Ricans. The rest of them are going to be like, yeah. Nice. It's as if you say if you make fun of Staten Island, the Bronx would be like, how dare you?
Right. Right. Exactly. But we make fun of Russia. We're white. You know, we're not like, hey, don't fuck with whitey. It was embarrassing. It was also, it was so lame to be going after that so hard when there's so much wrong with the world. Well, they're out of stuff. Literally every major city is failing.
to opioids and homelessness. It's just bad advice. It's just bad advice from the beginning. Like the very beginning is bad advice. Hey, I mean, listen, it's like the New York Giants. You're putting some fucking local kid at quarterback. He's going to do the best he can. Some lady came in with two months to go. Like, I don't know. Try your best. Oh, yeah.
Is it true that she got put in because Biden endorsed her as he was leaving and that that wasn't initially the plan? I've seen that. I've read that several times. I thought he, like, refused to endorse her for a while. Actually, I think because she pushed him out. Because she pushed him out. But then once he did, he... I found out allegedly, this is what I had read, that they wanted to do a primary, but Biden said publicly, I'll just endorse Kamala. He didn't think that Kamala could win.
This is the allegation. So he was like, fuck you. Look at his smile on his face. I think it's DEI. I think nobody can tell a black woman she can't be the one. But the smile's insane. But a primary can tell you. I heard about it. I haven't seen it. If she crumbles in the primary the way she crumbled in the primary for...
president, then if Gavin Newsom or Josh Shapiro, whoever it is that gets the words over on her, that person emerges naturally. It's just like she fucked up. She's just not good. It has nothing to do with anything else. No, I talked to a lot of liberals and they were like, this isn't our gun. We wish we could have gotten our guy in there. You know what's real nice? The left is the conspiracy people now.
They're like, this election was rigged and Trump faked an assassination. It's like, oh, dude, I've heard them talk about how the right has created a billion dollar internet ecosystem. ecosystem of podcasts all right but imagine that But imagine that like as if there's some fucking grand conspiracy where a bunch of people just speak freely So the right has organized this and he was comparing it to like radicalizing Islamists literally comparing it
It's like young, confused people get radicalized. And his take on it is that they could be brought towards feminism. No, we're just trying to sell tickets. I will say, woke politics has extremely helped all of us here. Hear, hear. Them coming after us has just raised us up hella. It also makes you realize you have to say something.
You have to say something because they're so insane. You did that on purpose, dude. You're a cocksucker. He says hella and he says it fucking wrong. No, no, I said it right there. Come on, you boomer. How does he say it? He doesn't know. He's East Coast. I'm West Coast. Yeah, whatever. You're taking what? Oakland? You live in New York.
Yeah, but I have ties. You're from Maryland. No, no, no, no, no. You're East Coast from birth to now. No, none of that. No, I lived in L.A. for a long time. I became a man in L.A. It didn't work. Lost my virginity there? Really? No. Yeah, yeah. Took the hymen. That's your uncle. Yeah.
How old were you when I met you, Ari? You were like 24. I was 24, but the development of a fucking 16-year-old. You were an odd fellow. 24? Just out of religion. I didn't know anything. Well, those old photos of you, you were hideous. How old were you the first time I took you on the road? 27, 28. Jeez, what was A1? But that 28 was like, really, it was like 22. Wow. I was just undeveloped. Because of the Diaz story.
Oh yeah, Diaz just wouldn't. He wouldn't show up, so you had to hire him as a backup. So instead of just firing your opener, Joe would be at the airport and be like, Joey, where are you? He goes, off. I'm almost there. In bed, not even getting out of bed.
And then eventually Joe was like, I don't have an opener again. Instead of just firing Joey, he goes, I guess I'll take two people now. Wow. So it's either one or two, depending on if Joey showed up. It was too much fun when Joey showed up. It really was. I had a good friend who was a junkie in New York, my friend Johnny, and he died. Johnny the pool player? Yeah, he was my best friend.
And he died after I was only out here for a couple years, and he died. Out in L.A.? Yeah, I was in L.A., and I'd met Joey while he was still alive, and I was like, this is the same guy. Like, he's the same kind of guy. Get it while you can.
I knew the type. I knew, like, and I missed Johnny so much after he was gone. So I was like, whatever I have to do to keep this guy around. This is Joey. Joey's still used. He's not used anymore. He's way healthier. But back then, he was like, the end was in sight. He was using it. crazy way. What was he using? Coke. Or, by the way, one time he was like, yeah, I did crack for six months. I'm like, why? He goes...
Because the Coke dealer was like out of the way home and the crack dealer was on the way home. It was just easier. Joey was off the rails. But if he loved you, he was your best friend. He was like one of the best friends you could ever have. He loved yeah, and so I was like I got to do whatever I got to do so I didn't want to push him so I would always tell him you know if you ever need help
I'll help you. I don't need no fucking help. But when we would go on the road, if he would just not show up, I would say, listen. Anytime you want to go on the road with me, you're going to get paid. You can work with me anytime you want. But I'm going to bring another opening act. If you don't show up. That's my whole career. Thank you, Joey, for being such a cokehead. It was only like three times.
Over the course of like 10 years. Yeah. It's like three times. Not that bad. Not that bad. I thought it was every other weekend. But it was like big weekends. You know? I was headlining at Rascals in New Jersey. I was like, shit. This is a big one. This is a big one. And then they had to use a local gun.
So it's like, and I was thinking I was going to hang out with Joey and I'm hanging out with this guy, which is half of the fun of being on the road is being on the road with your friends. It's literally half. One time we were going to Pittsburgh and I had booked a commercial. I was like, dude, I got to miss a Thursday show. And Joe was like, fuck that. No, dude.
you can't do that like we had a thing and I was like I need this for insurance and he's like no fuck that I'll just use somebody local and then He was like, the city smells like suicide. Come down. The local was terrible. What was the commercial? Can we watch that? Was it Activia? I think it was, I don't know which one it was. IBM maybe or something. Oh, wow. That's been funny. I used to do a lot of them.
Commercials were big back in the day. Everybody wanted a commercial first that was attainable. If you got a commercial, you paid your bills. It was a substitute teaching or dog walking. If you got on a sitcom, that was the holy grail. Gaffigan was the Hemi guy. Remember that? No, no, no, no, no. That's John Reap. Oh, sorry, Reap. No, but Gaffigan did like 80 commercials. He did a ton of commercials. Well, he's got that squeaky clean. New special out. First special on Hulu.
Oh, nice. Is that right? Hularious. Hularious. Yeah, I was going to say. That's Hulu. Let's not comics choose how they're going to comedy promote. How about just Hulu comedy? Shut the fuck up. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't go all up in your business. Is Joey comedy's Hunter Biden? Joey is a completely unique human. He's not anybody's anything. He's a one-of-a-kind. Sweet guy. He's the best.
great now still amazing on stage he borrowed 200 bucks to me when i was starting and i didn't have it and he's like i bought 200 bucks but it was like This is bullying for sure. And then, like, I gave it to him. I'm like, okay. I had to be like, all right, at least I'll never have to give that to him again. And then, like, four days later, he's like, here you go, thanks. Whoa. I'm like, oh, okay.
I guess we're not some big friends. That's a setup. Can I get a thousand now? And then he vanishes. It's when he's going back to Colorado, he gets a thousand out of you. You know he's giving it back to you. Joey's the best. He's doing sets again around town. Beautiful.
Oliver Jersey. Yeah, he was supposed to be here for a weekend in December, but I think he canceled. You don't say. I think he was on for a couple days. It's like he wants to, when he's here, he's back in the flow of things. He realizes how much he misses it, but it's hard. the energy to fly to another state. And he's so fat. It's got to be tough. He's been fatter. He's not so bad. Yeah, he's fine.
When I met him, he wasn't fat at all. When I met Joey, he was like a linebacker. He was fucking huge. He was like this big guy, like intimidating guy. He was thin, like big barrel chested fucking dude. And then when he got fat, he got really funny.
It's literally what happened. He stopped giving a fuck about being on TV. He's like, this is a pipe dream. It's never going to happen. Stopped giving a fuck about being in movies. And he just started being himself. He would do the Cuban egg roll. He'd get a towel from the back that the handyman used to use.
And he'd use it as a cape. And he'd just walk and shake his pants down. Big influence on me. Shake his pants down. His dick would pop out. His pants never fit right because his belly would push his pants down. Yeah. my magazine my the the album that I've recorded in like 1999 I took a bunch of pictures of Joey and they're in the album sleeve and one of them is Joey buck naked with combat boots on I think he has Tim
lands on, and he's got a cape. Cape. And he's got this cape on, but he's completely naked. It was inside the album cover. He's got a big belly, hog hanging out. That's great. That was fun. We used to be- We were allowed to show a guy- Dick inside of a CD cover back there. Right. He did it on a man show. He came out naked. More like ED. Well, we did two versions. Comedy Central insisted that we do one where Joey wasn't naked. We did it was fine. And then we did it when Joey came out naked.
like let's get this party started it was huge everybody died laughing I'm like yeah listen to me I know what I'm doing here let's try just a man in clothes coming out You were gonna do a Joey show with today you could not do it with any sort of a network or corporation you'd have to do it like Gillian key style or you're in control of it like Imagine the only fans dad imagine someone
I'm giving you production notes on OnlyFans Dad. Production notes are... Show me OnlyFans Dad, Jamie. Go to OnlyFans Dad. You gotta figure out a way to tell him that... Oh, my God. That's such a visceral laugh. Wow, he's like the Rizzler.
Look at Rogan with a small head. He looked exactly like the Rizzler. Go to OnlyFans' dad. Was that a fun gig? No, we can't. It wasn't. It was a disaster. I can see that. Jamie, don't show Mike. It was a disaster. Really? Yeah, yeah, because it all... happened right around the same time that the janet jackson nipple thing happened so everybody panicked and all a bunch of stuff that we had gotten approved like a bunch of ideas like that doug had some ridiculous
Everybody was in a panic. They're worried. It was just the mindset in Hollywood. Yeah. It was like toned down all the outrageousness. You can get in trouble. By the way, not even that great a nipple. I didn't think her nipple was out. I thought there was a Pacey on it. No, it was a nipple. Pull it up. They showed the actual nipple.
I think. I would have remembered. Me and my friends stood up and cheered. It was a huge scandal. If it was just a Pacey, that's crazy. Yeah. Was it really just a Pacey? The nipple ring, I think. Oh. No, there was no ring. Let's see it. Don't show it on screen. Let us see it. Show it to us. It's a ring. That's a real nipple sun. That's a black nip. Let's go. She's got a crazy sun on that. That's a...
hypnotic eyes wide shut ring. I like it. Look at that. They made it set up. Fucking moron. You can see how it's got snaps. But why would you have a tearaway? That was a Super Bowl, right? Because they wanted him to show some titty. Damn. Let's go. Let's have some fun. I thought my mascot job was bad. So that freaked so many people out that they stopped anything controversial. It was a quarter second. Ooh, look at Kylie or Kendra or whatever the fuck her name is.
The Kardashian. Mark's just hard. Oh, yeah. She's the hottest Kardashian, I think. Oh, yeah, I think so. You've got choices. Well, there's so many of those whores. Kim looks like an alien. Kim looks like a full alien. Does she? Yeah. She still looks good. Made in a lab. Is that because you know what she used to look like or is it because no I saw a picture of her on a billboard like what the fuck is that and someone's like that's no she's pretty
Pretty, but like, it's like an AI. She's definitely hot. No, she's hot, but she still looks like Maiden Alive. I'll call Pete Davidson right now. He was inside those guts. Didn't he like burn her name on his arm or some crazy shit? Oh boy. I have no idea. Pete's all together. That sounds like a good move. Yeah. Holocaust. My bad. Two weeks later, you go, fuck. I don't know what I was thinking on that one.
Yeah, and don't get any tattoos of ladies. I think Johnny Depp got Winona, and then he changes to Wino. Yeah. He got one on his fingers, too. Yeah. Johnny Depp fucked Winona. Beck fucked Winona, too.
No way. Buck read a whole album about her. Seachange was all about her. Damn. I forgot about Beck. Good beer. Yeah, Seachange was all about her. He said he couldn't write it for two years after he broke up with her. Jesus Christ. Everyone knows your name or something like that. It's all about, like, you fucked everyone in this town.
to deal with this. Whoa. Oh, boy. It was one of the greatest albums of all time. Come on. No, it really was. We've never heard of it. An amazing breakup album. That's a weird... Scientologist. He's a Scientologist. Is he? Yeah. That's weird. Me and Bobby went to see him at a Scientology show. What? In Hollywood. What's that like?
I mean, it was just about the music, but only Scientologists and me and a fucking hooker fucker were there. I've been to Scientologists for a good time, though. They were great. They're probably nuts. They were great. They have to be. Yeah.
You know the guy who wrote it. There's a video of him. Elrond? Really? There's a video of him. He was a fucking completely insane person. He was a completely insane. He wrote the most words of fiction ever in human history. Whoa. More than Shakespeare? More than everyone. He never had a second draft. It was just science fiction. It was gibberish. No, no, no. It's not just gibberish. Oh, really? Oh, it's horrible. His science fiction is horrible.
But it was like a bestseller. He was huge. No, no, no. Not really. Dianetics was a bestseller, but he just posted a lot of these crazy science fiction stories in these magazines and books that used to be monthly publications in the 50s and the 60s. But he had that machine. I was in San Diego.
I'm clear as fuck, bro. No way. We don't need you. You're good. The dude, I could tell it was really kind of like he's super unmotivated. He was a guy who's a member who they're forcing to go and try to recruit people. And I was out.
there filming for a television show in san diego and so i went to this they had like a thing in the park and i just went oh we had downtime so i'm like what are you guys doing yeah and he's like oh you know dianetics this and that have you ever had your e-meter tested whatever fired up i got time I was asking the dude a bunch of questions. I was high. So I was asking the dude a ton of questions. Just like, what is this? If you were high, they were probably getting you.
Where did you learn all this stuff from? What's the story behind your religion? And you could tell the dude just didn't want to do it. He was not interested in recruiting anybody. He was just like, I have to do this. Going for the credits? You have to do it, yeah.
Cool credits. But the problem is you got nothing to hide. All those Scientology queefs, they're all hiding something. They're gay. How much of it is the gay? I went with Natasha Leggero, who went down to the one in Vermont. Just be gay. And we went in there. You watch a video. It's all like mid-level 80s actors.
and then they say this book is for ages 8 to 8,008. And I'm like, what does that mean? The guy's like, don't worry about that. Fucking nothing. Yeah. I'm like, no, what's 8,008? What does that mean? Well, it's more advanced stuff. You're not ready for that. You're not ready for that. And then they go, can we?
get your address so we can send you more stuff? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Like, let me just get your address. I'm like, okay. And Natasha's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Don't, don't, don't, don't. Bobby Lee's address. My name is Bobby Lee. Lee could be a white guy. You give me a Bobby Lee. Yeah. Robert E. They were sending me shit for a solid decade. You know who I still get calls from? The fucking Ivermectin people.
For four years. They want me to buy more drugs. I'm like, I'm not going to buy. They go, it could come back. Do you know how risky? Shut up. How much of a risk taker do you have to be to say what else you got? What else you selling? I'm still getting hit up by Tim Walz. I get texts. What's Tim up to? They want more money. He needs money. They lost a lot of money. 20 million in the hole. Bro, they blew a billion dollars. Tim Walz, the vice presidential candidate. Oh, the other one. Yeah. Device.
He's the vice. The fake hunter, fake football coach. He's a fucking full-on liar. Lying about football is crazy. Lying about? Everything's crazy. That's Shane's Dolan Valor. That's his most... I didn't care about lying about going to war.
Going to war. Being an assistant? Or being in Tiananmen Square. That was a wild one. Bro, you lied about everything. Lying about being a head coach and you were a fucking dork assistant. Yeah, you're carrying water. Remember Hillary Clinton did it too with Benghazi, right? She was like, I was there. We're under fire. Yeah. Who's Benghazi?
Wait a minute. McDonald's was a lie too, wasn't it? Yeah, that was a lie too. Not only that, but they photoshopped her face on an existing photograph of a girl from the 1980s that did work at McDonald's. It was a white girl so they photoshop Kamala's face just some internet jackass did it I'm sure and said oh we have proof But they were trying to pass it off as it was real, but why is working McDonald's good?
Because it's victim to me. It's like the lowest level. It's a lowest level job. But why is that? Who cares? You're working class. In these days when you don't brag about your hardships. To say if you came from McDonald's to the president's pretty sick. Also, when you're a person who's like trying to con their way into it.
job where you're gonna make an insane amount of money it's really cool to say start it from the bottom now yeah I talked to some Puerto Ricans about about a joining the block oh and And they were like, she was like, I got a ham sandwich with Fanta. If you know, you know. And then they're like, Dresher was like, that's not a thing.
What are you talking about? You heard it from someone else. I am sandwiched with Fanta. She's been famous for 80 years. She doesn't even know what it means to be normal. Why are you pretending you know it? You were a fly girl. They all love pretending. Everyone wants to be a fly girl. be real. It's hard. You feel insecure if you've made it too far. You should go. No, my dad was an academic and I grew up in wealth, so that's why I'm smarter than everybody.
Well, I knew friends who worked at McDonald's, they would hide it. That's a very Ari take on things, though. Yeah, you're well-trained. No, it is fun to be like, oh, sorry my dad worked hard. Sorry your dad was a fucking loser and left your mom. And my dad worked really hard. Really hard.
Good luck with your campus job. That you'll never understand the struggle because you never had to struggle. That's what it is. Yeah, she really blew it. My favorite is multi-million dollar Hollywood saying it's hard. That's terrible. Did I miss it? Did I miss it? I should have known it wasn't a statement. You can't redo it. I was listening to it like it was a statement. I should have known better. She blew it and she lost the election.
Oh, I get it. All right. It was a blowjob joke. It was a blowjob joke. There's a bunch of those out there. Willie Brown. Dude, I bet she fucks really good in her prime. That's what I was getting at. Kamala. Yeah, she was hot when she was young. I bet she fucked. Oh, yeah. There's videos of her with Montel Williams. Yeah. She was hot. Oh, yeah. Mountain top. Is that your daughter, they said? Oh, that was with Willie Brown. Yeah, it was Willie Brown. She got real mad. No. This is funny.
She's working her way up. That's something to brag about. Fuck McDonald's. It's a strategy. Why is that any less of a strategy than a pharmaceutical executive strategy? Yeah, it's the same. Why is it like using your good looks to your advantage and making your way into a political system that's fucking completely corrupt? Why is that negative? Matt Reif did it? Yeah, he did. Use those looks. Why not? He did. Smart move.
Yeah, he's hot. It's pretty shocking Adrian Apollucci has a special. Yeah, but that just shows you how funny she is. It shows you how funny she is. Joey Diaz, buddy. She's lost a lot of weight. Has she? Yeah, she's lost a lot of weight. Big mistake. Fat is funny. She's still fat. She's still fat. Don't get me wrong. She's still holding it down. She's still holding it. But she's not as. Not as. That should be a category of not as. Funny lady. And fearless.
Goes for it. Just goes for it. I think she doesn't give a fuck. She doesn't give a fuck. I don't think she understands to give a fuck. Like, she actually doesn't care. She's pretty great. When people walk out of anger, she goes, yeah, I guess I get it. She's moving here. No way. She's been loving it so far. Oh, really? Yeah. We talked her into it. Ari helped me. He reached out to me. He said, you got to talk Adrian into moving here.
And I had her on the clock. Well, she was already convinced. She was already in. Did you tell Rogan on me that I might be like, yeah, I tried to pressure you. Yeah, she's funny, man. We need more. She's so fucking ballsy. And she's funny in a different way. Like, she's got her own vibe. She's not like anybody else. It's fun. Yeah. I like her. It's so, like, at both sides, fuck both of you. Yeah. Yep. Fuck everybody. And just serious. Never smiles once on stage. Yeah. From the Bronx. Yeah.
Yeah, the reviews of her special is either I haven't seen it yet or it's great. Oh, that's awesome. Her mom was a comic. Oh, shit. Oh, that's right. Yeah, she told me that story. Really? Oh, jeez. Who booked you that? Oh, no. Oh, God. That's tough. Didn't your mom start doing it again after she'd been doing it a while? Didn't your mom try to do it again? Maybe.
That's tough magic on a club see your mom there like bro. It's probably better than your dad Yeah, we're just walked as a comma my dad thinks he's really funny, and he was it's funny my dad's very funny, but he was like Put me in tires. He was like joking. I could tell my mom, like my mom was like, just put him in the show.
I'm not putting my fucking dad in this show. Why not? I don't know if he could act. You gotta give him like a one line. It doesn't work like that. One line, get him out of there. Dead body. I would like that, but then he had a... heart attack. He's on the sidelines for a while. Is he alright? Yeah, he's good. But he's not allowed to drink, which is tough to watch the old man. Poor guy. Watching him fucking...
Sit there watching football. You gotta get into the weed. Gotta get into the weed. He's working his way back so he can drink. Yeah! It's an incentivizer. He's just like literally, he's working on his heart so he has to do like cardio. Like he just goes on long walks. He's like, just so he can drink. Just so he can drink. He's a beast. He's so crazy. He's like, I need my poison. I need it. I'll do whatever it takes. Dude, he was in the hospital. My mom didn't tell me how bad it was to like not.
freak us out and then i got there and he was like fucking like like he had fluid in his lungs so they couldn't operate so he was like this could be it and uh we're sitting there and they were like yeah well you're gonna have to stop drinking he was like 68 years old and a hell of a run. I was like, yeah, dude. What? It was a nice, like, no, a hell of a run with drinking. It was just very nice to be like, yeah, you did, bro. That's a hell of a run. Get him on edibles.
Get him started at least. Give him an option. I don't know how I'll handle it. It'll be fine. You start him with a five milligram. Just a little jammy that gives you a little smile on your face. Makes the colors a little brighter. Give him a couple to get started. Makes you want to hug more people. Give him a couple to get started. Get high and be like, I know he's going to pass for 5,000 yards. Yeah, maybe he'll have good intuition. Oh, yeah.
He might have like some... He's skinny now. He's walking around. He's... He's in hell, dude. He's in hell. He's stuck in the house with my mom all day. She loves it. Is he eating healthy? Yeah, he has to. But we'll catch him. We'll catch him. He's eating them at night. By the way, he actually is. You'll be over there, you'll see him at the fridge. Give me that chi, daddy.
and then pulls out one water. Rolls the car in neutral out of the driveway, starts it on the street so he can go over to Burger King and go overnight. He's eating like Trump. Are you pushing it? Starting at the neighbor's house. It was what he was eating. The last time I went home to see him, he was literally standing at the counter eating a cheeseburger. And I was like, bro. Damn. He's like, what? He's got to have something. He needs a vice.
The boy's working his way back to beer. That's good. That's good. You should have him on. Have Phil on. Have Phil on. He's got some good stories. I bet he does. But then he's like, look, I've been in the JRE. Tires is next. Tires is next. Come on. It's a likely second step. What about are you garbage? Everybody's got some stories. He was fucking garbage.
Yeah, he was he was off fuck. He was from like he lived in like a he went on our garbage. No, no I'm just saying I thought you were serious The island of Puerto Rico should go on are you garbage? that from the internet no i love puerto rico san juan baby that's the tony joke
The fucked up thing is that joke was based on his need to, like, he gets freaked out about the environment. He gets freaked out about the pollution patch. While he's in a throne. We were super high. We were super high in the green room. In the regular world. He's like,
How long have there been plastic? There's only been plastic for six years. It's bigger than fucking Texas. So he sits getting obsessed by garbage, and then he finds out about Puerto Rico. And so then he comes up with this joke. There's an island of garbage. I think it's called Puerto Rico. Yeah, right.
That joke was actually out of his concern that Puerto Rico is being smothered by garbage. He actually loves Puerto Rico. He's trying to protect our parks. He's a retard. He's just a retard. And he doesn't understand. People don't know the whole backstory to that joke. You should have defended him. You should have come out and just been like, he's retarded. I kind of did. I mean, I basically said that. Like, this is where it came from.
Tony's just, he's a fucking insult comic. He's the best insult comic in the country. If you want to watch that roast, watch that Tom Brady roast. It's so funny watching Jon Stewart. He's a master. Props to Stewart. He's a real comic. It was like he's a funny guy. Yeah, it was why they saw that joke and everyone's angry within one minute and it's like no nothing to like let me Analyze the arts. Let me just figure out what this is, but it's like I know what it is. I'm done with it
It's just demeaning to everything. It's exactly what we were talking about earlier that does happen to people where they can become someone else, but Stewart has not done that. He's still coming. He still goes on stage with Chappelle. He still goes on stage with Chappelle. He does podcasts.
He's very reasonable when he does them. I think he also got disillusioned by that fucking Apple gig Where they've canceled his show because he wouldn't do he was want to do a thing on China and they're like no fucking way Like that was it you can't talk shit about China you can't even tell the truth you can't say
If you're on an Apple show and Apple has this insane manufacturing deal with China. All their phones. Slave labor. Everything. Think about that. Slave labor. It's the craziest thing. What about the Uyghurs? Virtue signaling people. Any time the liberals get at you, just go, using an iPhone? Fuck off. Yeah, just shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. Go get a Samsung if you really care.
Yeah, didn't John Cena? He had to do a whole thing. Remember that? Oh, yeah. That was fast and furious. He nailed it. He nailed it. Got the language down. Shit in the streets before he did it. I had a bit about that for a while. That's when I knew that China was going to win because they already got our mascot. He's the most American-looking guy ever. That's true. I've seen the fucking rules. His wrists are so big it looks like his forearm is cut off here. It looks fake.
It looks fake. It's crazy. It looks like his arm should be way longer, but they moved his hand up his forearm like he's got no wrist. It does look like that. They're hams. Bro. Damn. That's the Down syndrome communities. Bro. He is the number one. John Cena, bro. Hitting a fucking salute, running in in jean shorts, fucking people up. That shit rocks, dude. He's Mr. Make-A-Wish. He is. Oh, Batman.
I bet. Xena. Come on. I didn't like with Tony with all the comics weighing in. That really was the buggy of the most. You're always going to have that from weak people that aren't happy with where they are. That's what it is. Also, people are waiting to jump on Tony. 100%. That's it. Now that he can't fight back, I'll-
jump in there. Right, exactly. They never shit on some low-level guy. He's doing great. And you can not like him if he's doing great. Let's not shit on low-level guys. Yeah. Go to an open mic and be like, this race is piece of shit. You're allowed to not like him if he's doing great. But if you're attacking him...
Like, you don't know what he was doing. You don't know what he was doing. He was just doing what he always does. He's an insult. Are you saying you don't like insult comedy? So you don't like say that two months ago. Why are you saying it right now? Listen, man, roasts are one of the things that's going to save comedy because there's.
so funny that it's undeniable to Netflix. So Netflix gets the highest ratings they've ever had ever on this Tom Brady roast. It's completely non-PC. It's some of the wildest jokes. Tony calls him a Confederate fag. Like, it's some of the wildest jokes.
And it's killing and it's so funny. People love it and they keep sharing it. People keep sending it to their friends and clips are made out of it. It's huge for Netflix. Without that, you don't get the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want on stage. I make fun of Tony a lot, but that was... That was like a nice moment. I was sitting there when he did the roast. He killed it. And I gave him a joke right before.
And this is how in the pocket he was, because he stood up from the table and was like, hello. I was genuinely happy. I was watching him fucking kill. And then the joke I gave him, I gave it to him right before he went on. What was the joke? I don't want to say. Alright, Puerto Rico? It was an insult personally at one of the comedians. I was like, tell that motherfucker. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. I pretty much know already then. Oh, yeah, I know too.
Shut the fuck up, Mark. I love Nicky. I like Nicky, too. I actually do. I love Nicky. Right before he tells the joke, he literally looked over at me and was like... I was like, yes. Nice. And to go up from the audience like that, that ain't easy, to walk up like that. Well, you know, they wanted him to do his set seated, and he was like, this is stupid. See? Because they didn't respect him. How about this? Any store guy, like, no, you're not one of the cool kids, so.
It's like, dude, fuck off. Just let the guy shine. Well, just a lot of resistance to him with the powers of being. Let out a hungry wolf. A lot of resistance to that Hinchcliffe fella. So much butts in here. Fuck. Well, just say you're mad he's at a Trump rally. That, all right, that I get. Why are you going to use the joke as a vehicle to get angry? Because it's both things. The joke is nothing but the fact that if the joke...
just released on YouTube, eh, people would get mad. Maybe the Kamala Harris camp would use it to show that this guy's a Trump supporter, but it's not connected to Trump. The fact that it's at the Trump rally, which is so crazy that he did it there. That was bad.
I mean, but they're also waiting. It's like Alexander Cortaz Cortazio sitting there. Who? Alexander Cortaz Cortazio? Yeah. You have been doing that Duolingo shit. She's sitting there waiting like, what can I be angry about? And she's like, that's one.
They're trying to win, man. You're looking at it like they should be reasonable. Why would they be reasonable when they're trying to win? They want to exploit every last possible thing. And Tony gave them a bunch of rope. And they hung them. Well, they were already calling it. a fucking Nazi rally. And then you have a comedian go up there that probably a lot of them had no idea who he was. Like the people talking about it. And then he's...
I mean, the fucking watermelon carving joke. That was the one that should have been. That was so stupid. That was an improv. I know. You could tell. Dumbass. Oh, that was a fucking dumbass. I thought it was funny. I gave him that one. I thought it was funny. I don't know. Well, yeah, at a comedy club.
I'm not at a comedy club. At a fucking roast battle. Life is a comedy club. Be great at a roast battle. Once they made it a Nazi rally, then it's like, well, nothing's going to work here to you guys.
It's a full German Nazi rally. A lot of fucking Israeli flags at a Nazi rally. I saw like four Israeli flags hanging from the rafters. Yeah, there was Israeli flags that people brought. The whole idea that that was a Nazi rally is crazy. Maybe they were just pro-genocide. No one believes it, man. That's why they're not. I like when the comics do like when they'll try to defend somebody but they're so scared of the backlash they go look I didn't like that joke but it's his right to say it
You don't like jokes. How about when Patton took a picture with Chappelle and he had to take a photo of him writing an apology on a piece of paper. That was weak. I think he felt really bad about that. He did. That was the height of all the shit. He felt bad about that. Wait a week. Let the press...
Pressure go away. Then if you have to, weigh in. Well, the internet coming at you is scary. People panic. Yeah, don't read it. Tony handled it really well. It's so hard not to read. He goes, take a joke, fuck off, and then just not another word about it.
I had to read the thing about the view because I just thought it was funny. Oh, he's wondering about me. Dragon lover. I was trying to say that I believe in dragons. Wait, what is this? I just heard about it. She said I checked it. I checked it. And then the lady goes, did you double check? She goes, I checked it. He believes in dragons. You think they lived alongside a people? It was from a wildlife biologist who came on my podcast. It was from Forrest Gallant. Gallante? Gallant.
How do I say his last name? Great guy. I love him. He's awesome. But he was saying there are... Yeah, right? He's fucking off. JMO, let's do it. Jamie, you haven't called anything up. See if you can find Forrest's... clip where he's explaining dragons. Now that Jamie looks like a Mexican, he's lazy. This is where it came from. The view decided from this and from me talking about it with Adrian Appalucci the other day.
explaining what Forrest says and saying that I don't think that there was pterodactyls living with people. I said it. No. She said maybe they did live with this. I'm like, no. My position is it's probably crocodiles or some big Komodo dragon or some big lizard that did kill people. And so people fought them with swords and shit and they came back with a story and then the artist drew it.
Yeah, if you saw one of those at night and you had a stick, yeah. I thought a pterodactyl. I thought a picture of Joe Rogan and a unicorn. All throughout these same time periods, there's been giant lizards. All throughout these same time periods, there have been Komodo dragons. There have been crocodiles that have been here for fucking hundreds of years.
million years or whatever they've been for probably more so the idea that that people didn't encounter giant reptiles is stupid and then there's the other thing is like people were really bad at describing things that they'd never seen before So if you're a European traveler and you go to the Nile River and you see a fucking crocodile, what is that? Take a guy. Yeah, what is that? What the fuck? Or a baby in Florida. So let's...
That holds any weight? Like, there was actually dragons? I mean, we know there were large flying lizards during the times of dinosaurs, right? The only weight that it could possibly hold is that, like, a few of those somehow survived much later than we previously thought. But do I think that there were dragons?
attacking human beings and civilizations? No, I don't. JD Vance looks terrible. It's so much cooler if there were. The fact that we know that pterodactyls did exist, that's cool. It would be way cooler if they existed with people. Right, 2,000 years ago. Why is that so much cooler to us? I don't know. People would dedicate giant chunks of their life trying to find out if...
pterodactyls did coexist with human beings. I swear, I thought you had pterodactyls on your shirt there, and I was like, yeah, this is the most autistic thing I've ever seen. I think that's a rhino. Why can't pterodactyls be real? The problem is you're taking Joey Behar, whatever name. This is the most important part. This is right after she was saying, we are run by ABC News.
You should trust us not Joe Rogan who believes in dragons By saying we should trust them because they're double-checked by ABC news and then making the stupidest fucking statement Like, you didn't listen to what I said. You didn't listen to what the wildlife followed. And that's only a part of what he said. The other part of what he said was there was something before that where he was explaining encounters with giant reptiles. I don't know.
It doesn't make sense to me that a middle-aged woman could be dumb. When you're worried about losing your job, and you're worried about podcasts taking over, and who's the source of news, and we said Donald Trump is Hitler, but half the country disagreed with us, and he won, and this is fucking... And Joe Rogan believes in dragons. It's just frantic. If you believe that Donald Trump is Hitler and everyone who supports him is a massive racist. And if you are in any ethnic or gay.
You need to get the fuck out of this country. Because if you believe all that, it's bad for you here. But Sonny Hostin, she makes some good points. Who's that? She's the other one. That's not gonna clip well. I'm just saying, like, if they really believe this, what are you still doing here? Jamie, there's a photo that I have on my Instagram. You gotta start drinking, Ari. Jamie, there's a photo I have on my Instagram of a whale.
That's on a wall in an old Italian church. It was from like 2017 or 2018. I was in Rovello and there's this church that it's so old. The church is a thousand years old, but it's built on top of another church and they don't even know how old that church is.
there's like a glass floor and you look down you see the old church they don't they have no idea how old it is but they had a painting of like the whale from the from the bible who is it job who is it yeah yeah jonah jonah jonah that's right jonah so look at this This is this ancient, ancient church. But there's a photo of a whale that's in...
Is it in that? Where's Ravello? It's around the same time. I know I put the photo on Instagram. Oh, Italy. That's the church. But in that church, the whale doesn't look nothing like a whale. The whale looks like a monster. So that's what it's like. Here we go. Their drawings was like, they came back and described, those fucking mercenaries couldn't draw. So the guys who came back, the savages, the fucking animals that were hacking off.
They're not drawing. I've been real busy pillaging. I can't work on my art. And then the artist draws it, and they can probably barely remember because it's probably so traumatic. A 16-foot crocodile comes launching out of the river. takes one of your boys and eat some in front of everybody's like that's it yeah that's what they thought a whale looked like a whale yeah that's a crocodile that is the story from the Bible they had never seen
whale before so they drew this thing. Look how bad they got the guy. I mean they knew what guys looked like and they were struggling. Yeah they weren't good artists. He looks like an alien monkey. They're doing it in tile in all defense. It's a very difficult medium to work with. What's a higher prime rate then?
Look at that guy. Isn't that wild though? So that is what... Peace. Peace. I'm fucking outta here. Be cool, bros. So their version of things that we know what looked like were all fucked up already. Yeah. So that's probably what dragons are. What dragons are probably...
giant crocodiles. There you go. And there's some people that went to the Congo in the 1800s that said they saw crocodiles bigger than their boats, 40-foot boats, and crocodiles were bigger than their boats. The thing about crocodiles is they don't die. Right. stay alive until something kills them.
So they keep growing. So if you've got a crocodile, it could be 300, 400 years old. And that would be like a 60-foot crocodile. Really? They might have seen those back then. They get that old? And that's when people had guns, right? So the people with the guns are probably killing all...
the ones that are really big. So those ones that are really big, they've been eating other crocodiles, they've been eating everything, cannibalized each other, they eat everything that moves. So to get to that point is so hard that when you whack those dudes, the ones that are left are like...
30 years old, 50 years old, you'll probably have smaller crocodiles. It kind of makes sense. That's probably what dragons were. Probably were a bunch of people that never experienced crocodiles before and just got fucked up by these 20-foot crocs. Imagine seeing that and not knowing what it is. Dude. What does Joey Behar say? Joey. Whatever. Joey Behar. When people tell, like, hey, so.
That's not true. I just want to say for the record, I have no hate for Joy Behar. If I saw her, I'd give her a hug. I don't care. I'd probably say the same thing about me if I was her. It's no big deal. I don't care. But it's a silly thing to say, and it undermines your own personal credibility if you say we're so good.
good because we're supported by ABC News and they say Joe Rogan plays the dragons in the next sentence. And no chance she comes back and goes, oh, guys, I was wrong. Somebody told me the wrong shit. If it was a joke. That would be funny. I know she wasn't joking, but it would be hilarious. Joe Rogan, the guy who fucking believes in dragons? I wonder if there were some kind of flying lizards at one point in human history. You know, if you go, this is what the Bigfoot myth is about. The Bigfoot...
The foot myth is about a thing that really existed. It's called Gigantopithecus, but it lived like 100,000 years ago. So by the time at least we think it did, we know... for sure know later than that, for sure, 100,000 years ago. We don't know earlier. It might have been earlier. It might have lived 50,000 years ago. We just don't have an example of it. But that was a thing that was passed on in stories. It's dead now. It doesn't exist anymore. But people were telling...
a story about a thing that was real that's probably what dragons are it's probably people telling a story about a thing that was real and if a hundred two hundred thousand years ago there were some reptiles that could fly
We know that pterodactyls were fucking real. If they just find one of those things, it would change everything. And you've got to realize, they've only been finding dinosaurs for 200 years. 200 years ago, they didn't know what the fuck... That's when the Jews started burying those bones.
There's a bunch of dudes who had fake dinosaur bones. You're trying to trick us. Don't attack us. It's been nice weather today. You know, there's a bunch of dudes who put, like, other bones and claimed there were dinosaur bones. There's a bunch of frogs. Well, those were the actual Jewish dudes. I heard there's money in bones.
When did they discover dinosaurs? Ari, you look like a pterodactyl. Imagine discovering dinosaurs, going, oh, is this still around? I think most of them are at the White House. Pelosi, get out. She just filed for re-election. She's like 79. She's 84. 84 with those tits. She just fired for, yeah, pretty huge. Here it is. 1824. Okay, so exactly, exactly 200 years ago, they found the first dinosaur.
Damn. Wow. They've only known about dinosaurs for 200 years. Wow. What? And there's a giant chunk of the planet that has not been discovered. We had a podcast the other day. They've only looked at 5% of sub-Saharan Africa. They find whale bones. in the Sahara Desert. Whale bones! In the desert. Who knows what the fuck's out there? It's not impossible to imagine that since there used to be flying lizards at one point in time there were. 1677 someone discovered it?
1677, someone created with discovering the first dinosaur bone, but his best guess as to what belonged to was a giant human. Oh, wow. Wow. So funny to find a giant femur and be like, damn, that guy was huge. That's my favorite conspiracy. Giants used to roam the earth and that you know, they were created by the Anunnaki breeding with people I believe it And that the government the Smithsonian has been hiding giant bones, you know, they made Yao Ming
They got the two tallest people in China to fuck. No. That's a good move. Yeah, it worked. But that's a good move. Yao Zing. I mean, how many fucking Division I football players are out there because their parents said, listen, you're a big lady. I'm the big guy. I think we can make some kids that can make us some fucking money. Let's go. If you're really into football and you're a big fella and you see this big lady at the bar with some nice hands I need hands If you have a lady and she's tough
but she's got some dainty hands. You could have a brittle kid. You don't want a brittle boy. I believe in Giants. I saw a fucking, I went to an NBA game and I met Zach Eady. J-Mo, bring up Zack Eadie. Eadie. If you saw that guy, if you lived back then, it's all a guy like fucking Zack Eadie. Oh, yeah. Fuck, don't fuck with those guys. Oh, yeah.
What's that guy, the Mountain from Game of Thrones? Bro, how about Shaq? Shaq, just Shaq. Shaq is a legitimate giant. He's a seven-foot human. He used to come into the store, and it was like, he's only 10 inches taller than me. Whoa! Yeah, what is he? Siberian or something? He looks like Mongols. Oh, okay. He looks a little funky. Oh, this isn't Yao Ming. Who's this guy? He plays for the Sixers? What is his nationality? He looks a little shiny. I believe he's an American, bro. Yeah, but...
Right, but what is his family's background? Oh, never mind. He's Toronto, eh? Oh, he's a Canuck. Wayside thingy. Nice pick. 7'4". Why? Jesus Christ. I took a picture with him after the game. What is his nationality? I looked like a fat lesbian. Other than Canadian. What does his family come from? Chinese immigrants in Toronto. You should play for the WNBA. If I was short. He played ice hockey and baseball.
That's a good athlete. Especially ice hockey. Ice hockey would be tremendous for any sport, right? That's a hard-ass sport on your legs. Oh, yeah. Well, the best players only play 20 minutes a game. They play like a third of the game. It's that hard. Yeah, but they play so many games. It's non-stop. Every fucking other day. Yeah, well, yeah. You just can't. You can't play a long shift. I think the hardest is soccer.
Those motherfuckers, there's no commercial breaks. They're sprinting the whole time. There are some breaks. Every single time a guy gets touched, they all lay down. Well, that is on purpose. Everybody in America is like, oh, fucking pussy, get up. It's like, bro, they're so tired. Yeah, that's true. They're all like, yes. Rugby might be it. Rugby might be it.
They don't stop. They don't stop. They don't stop in their notepads. It's American football. Rugby? No, American football is the reason it's a three-second play is because they would die. They're going in such a full sprint. It's crazy. Crazy amount of full power. Those are Giants. Giants. But the cardio, the non-stop cardio in terms of that, they might be soccer or rugby or Aussie football. Yeah, but all right, then cross country is the craziest. When we went to Dallas, we were at the...
The Cowboys versus the Jets. It was the first NFL game I've ever been to. And we were like not far away from the players. And you see how enormous they are. You look at 350-pound humans just walking with mortals. than us. Yeah, they're huge. They're so fast. Who was that one guy that was almost 300 pounds and he ran a four second plus 40? Aaron Hernandez. I mean, there's a now now
You're just swinging at anything. You're just swinging at everything. It's a comedy show. It's an island of garbage. You know what they thought? Mermaids. Those were manatees. Yeah. That's how horny they were. That's how drunk and horny they were. I've heard that rumor. I don't believe it. It's a dark, shitty vision. They've been poked in the eye since they were two. They've been drinking rum all day. Guys poke them every time they get in an argument. Nobody could probably see it.
There's no glasses. You just went blind. You're eating terrible food. Yes They're blind by 20. They thought a manatee was a woman. I don't believe a nice a nice plump woman like I can see both rich ladies that eat grapes hot Yeah, the ones that what do they call those? That was hot back then because nobody could get fat because everybody was starving. That's true. That's true. It meant you had money. Yeah, you were hot.
And now fat people are poor. Right. So back then, that was a hot, fat lady. A hot, fat lady floating around. Yeah. We did flip it. We did flip it. It's super easy to get fat now. Jennifer Aniston's real thin and Gwyneth Paltrow. They're all billionaires. Yeah. Cheeseburger's the 39 cents on Wednesdays. Exactamundo. Yeah, even Oprah keeps trying to lose weight. She's always been, huh? Always. She's like, the best of Sherry Shepard coming out.
Did you ever see that one on The View? No. Sherri Shepherd came out for a lot. She lost all this weight. Oh, was that right? She came out in that orange, like... Bathing suit. And they're like, we did it. I lost all this weight. They wheeled out a cart of ribs for her to celebrate. She's in a bathing suit, eating ribs, getting fat again. Jamie.
sherry shepherds pie why would they do that tour that's such a hater it's really funny it'd be like hey i'm done with alcohol let's go here you go one year sober let's celebrate damn yeah that ozempic's taking over but what that's crazy they did that tour
Yeah, they're like, you did it. Celebrate now. I don't like it. Bro, you remember the time Oprah had that lady on? It's in Chimp Crazy. Oprah had that lady on who got her face bit off by the chimp. Stay there. And she showed her face on TV. Oh, yeah. The lady was wearing a veil over her face like, let's see your face.
Pulls the veil away like a note. What are you doing? She should go Muslim. May as well go Muslim at that point. Trick of man. Can you imagine being a good Muslim man? You go, this lady seems cool as shit. She doesn't have a face. She doesn't have any eyes. It's like Jay Leno. She doesn't have any eyes. You can see it coming. Really? Yeah, her whole face is gone. She's like, you sound like a man for me. That's it. That's crazy.
Oh, yeah, she looks good. Yeah. Wait, that's Dr. Phil? No. Wow. Sherry's bathing suit body. Damn. Now you can eat. No you can't. Now you keep not eating. Oprah fluctuates. She's like... When do they move people off that show? Sherry's not on that show anymore, right? No, she's not. She started going back to clubs. 15 years ago. She was one of the real comics. There you go. I knew her as a comic way back in the day. I didn't know who's Sherry. Sherry Shepard. She's a store comic.
And then she got on The View for like, I don't know, three to 20 years. Right. Damn. That's a tough gig. Fuck that. I think The View's going to get canceled. Nah, it'll keep going forever. View's fucking killing it right now. They're all spazzing out. It's hilarious. Yeah, that's true. Well, you're dealing with these two matriarchs, right? The older ladies who kind of set the tone of the show. You know, that's part of the problem. They're out of touch.
They're out of touch. One of them's pretty hot. Whoopi Goldberg's, did you see what she did to that Staten Island bakery? Yes. Crazy. What? She ate everything. Staten Island bakery, their boiler went down, and she placed an order of cupcakes for her birthday. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I can't imagine yet how this would go bad. Okay, go ahead. So she places this order. They say we can't...
promise you that we can do this because our boiler is down. So we can't fulfill this order. And so then the next day, the boiler is back up. She has someone else call the same bakery. And they get the order in because now the boiler's up. She claims the reason why they didn't take her order is because they didn't like her politics. And so she says this on The View. So then the bakery has a press conference where they say, we've been in business for...
150 years this is not what happened at all we don't discriminate against anybody regardless of anything we just had a problem with our boiler and she's singing it out a family-run business and then there's a line around the block for the bakery nice it's bananas
And then she doubles down. She made a video and she didn't even apologize. In fact, she said the same thing. I like how they can't even see a possibility where it's just an innocuous idea. Her best was like, wasn't it like the Holocaust? And she was like, that's white. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Oh, yeah, something like that. Well, she got kicked off the show for a couple days. That's right. Remember?
They were like, Oprah, Oprah, or whatever her name was. These people, I swear you had a fucking stroke. I might have thunk of it. I told you you were sad. What's going on? These people are just too out of touch to be running that show. Bitch McConnell. Didn't they put Mitch McConnell in charge of something? Really? They just did. He's fucking locking up like a Windows 95 computer. He's got the spinny wheel. He just locks up all the time. And they just put this guy...
What did they just put Mitch McConnell in charge of, Jamie? Comedy Central. Something about appointments. Put on Futurama. All things comedy, he's going to take over. Futurama. What is it? Defense spending. You run anything by that, dude. He can't count. Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on Defense and Chairman of the Senate Rules Committee. Get him up there. That's what we need. Yo, that guy locked up twice on TV. Oh, yeah.
Fully locked up like didn't know where he was. They had to grab his arm take him off the stage. Yeah, you ever see him lock up? He's got the turkey neck. Jamie pull up the video of Mitch McConnell locking up. He was like the face of evil for a while. Watch this video. He just stepped down.
He's going to step down. People thought that he was going to step down, but he didn't. This is an old clip. He can't step down. He was older a billion years ago. Bro, but the way he locks up is terrifying. It's almost like the guy's having a stroke. It's very strange. Maybe the women of The Viewer... geniuses, because we're all talking about it. It's a ton of press. This is great. This week has been good bipartisan cooperation. His lips aren't moving. Hold on.
It's like when a girl eats your ass you didn't know she was going to He's waving back and forth like he's ready to go they're all looking like what Oh, he's melting. Look at the extras. Dude, this is a full lockup. Oh, man. Let's go back to your house. Yeah, I'm done. Oh my god. So that guy just got a new job. He's running shit. Is that Karen's top general? Megan Rapinoe? That's Emma Willman as the top general in the country. How bizarre is that?
That that guy just got a new gig. That was Emma Levine. He's so done. Who's running shit? I thought you had it. Oh, there it is. Who's running shit? Yeah. Who's running shit? Juice. That's what you're saying, Juice.
But at least it should be young Jews. Own it, man. Your people are running Jews. I love it. Yeah, we run everything. Ancient Jews. Pelosi's an Italian. Timeless Jews. You guys are like crocodiles. Our noses go bigger and bigger. Is Pelosi Italian? Yeah, I think she... Pelosi, that sounds Italian.
I bet them Italian yams. She's got a photo with JFK back in the day. She invests like a Jew. Yeah, she was like a kid. Oh, yeah. She gave him some head. God damn it, I have to pee. I was trying so hard. Hang in there, buddy. Nice. That'll make me go soon. Easy, fellas. Quit that roughhousing. Course play.
It's a wacky time to be alive. I can't tell if it's a great time. Oh, it's a great time. Or is it a horrible time? As soon as that happens, if you're at all running a company, which the government is, you should be like, oh, hey, no. We're replacing you. There's something wrong. You can't be in charge right now. We'll give you a pension now. Fetterman had a stroke, came back. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's an old guy. You can't drive. You take away their license if they do stuff like that. 100%. That guy could be at a red light, just locked up. Or just go right into an intersection and not even know he got his foot off the brakes. You ever be at a red light high and fall asleep? sleep and then when you wake up and somebody honks you go
Yeah, I should pull over. Yeah. This is wrong. No. Jesus Christ. You're getting old, aren't you? No, me neither. I just heard about people. Have you ever gone like that? You ever texting for like 20 minutes? You look up, you're like, damn, that was dangerous. Yeah. Holy shit. No, never. I use the Apple CarPlay thing.
You just press the text. You say, text Mark Norman. What would you like to say? Write it, Margaret Normasto. It says it back to you. Sometimes it fucks it up, which is a real problem. If you have any weird naming street or something like that, that won't work. Burt. Every time Burt sends a text, it's like, what is this? He goes, oh, it's speech to text. Or fat fingers. Yeah, or slurring. Speech to text is really easy if you're busy because you can get away with doing it.
five seconds, what would take you like 20 minutes to type out. The best was Dana White went to a flip phone so we could feel the buttons so we could have a business meeting. Tell me if I'm wrong. Yeah, you're wrong. I'm wrong? And text under the table? He definitely texted under the table, but that's not why.
he just started out with a flip phone and when everybody was going to smartphones he's like I can just text with my finger and he was so busy he's like I don't have time for fucking apps like what are you doing but isn't that T9 that shit takes a half hour he can do it without looking Him and I were having dinner and he sent me a text without looking.
He goes, I'm going to send you a text right now. I don't have to look at my phone. Was it accurate? It was accurate. I was like, wow. It wasn't crazy. Use like the letter U for you. That's when that shit started. That used to drive me crazy. Don't do it. Even back in the T9 days. Don't you do it. There's two of them now.
you son of a bitch. Even in the T9 days, I used Y-O-U. Even that? Yeah, not U-R either. Y-O-U apostrophe R-E. I don't know if I did that. Could you even do an apostrophe back then? You can. Yeah, you can do it. It's a four-button thing. Oh, yeah, we're talking to Mr. Flipbone right here. I've got to get back there. I've got to go back to the island. Well, Dave Attell is still on it. That's true. Dave has like three phones. I saw him the other night. He had some killer new.
He's so timely and relevant. Always. Two minutes on White Lotus. It was gold. What's White Lotus? It's a good show. It's a TV show on HBO. It's got a giant fake cock in it that really tricked me. Steve Zahn. Got your heart? No, the season two. Oh. It's like a real hot guy, and he goes in and changes while a girl's... Oh, yes! Yeah, did you see Peaky Blinders? How about that scene where that lady's sucking... Oh, that guy's sucking that other guy's cock?
Pull it up. I don't remember that. No, a lady is literally sucking a guy's rubber cock. What? Yeah, there's like an orgy and this lady is, it's either a lady sucking a guy's cock or a guy sucking a guy's cock. 100%. That's Shane's like bar mitzvah video. Oh, can I get a beer? Oh shit, I gotta pee too. Some guy was sucking another guy's cock. Peaky blinders? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to pee too. The Irish movie. You go first. It's going to be me and Ari. Yeah, you guys can do it. Yeah, we can do it. I'm going to hold it. You go, then I'll go. I had a few at the Delta Lounge. Nice. You had some drinks on last? Well, I'm so hungover. I had to get a BM. What did you do last night? I did a show in Charleston. That place is cool. Great.
Crowd, but yeah, after it, that's a drink in town. Norman got me into the lounge once, and I was like, oh, let me get a drink. He's like, there's free drinks. Why'd you order that? They have a whole list of free drinks. Norman's jewier than I am. Oh, definitely. I've seen Norman eat.
wings off a plate going to the kitchen at the center. He's like, whoa, that's untouched. Oh, yeah. We had that steak last night at the stand or two nights ago. Whose steak is this? He's just like, let me just have a piece. A third of it. Yeah. It's in his mouth. Never got caught. Yeah. I don't know whose that was. Hey, buy some bodega kit, buddy, while Joe's in a jitter. That was a funny defense of believing in dragons. Yeah. And then going, Sasquatch.
Sasquatch is real, though. I love when you're like, you could have got me on a real thing. Yeah, you could have got me on Sasquatch. I think they got him on that one. Now, the view rules. What's going on with you? Uh-oh. You seem fucked up.
I don't know. I know that's the worst thing somebody can say to you, so I do apologize. I don't know. You were quiet when I got here. Editing my special. I got a special coming out. Oh, nice. Oh, shit. A new one. January 14th. Netflix. You already covered you. Why don't you drink up a little? Get fired up. Dude, I'm doing whiskey all day.
We started before you got there. Holy shit, you had three drinks? And we started before we started. We started before we started. You're drooling. You're a mess. And we're back. Now I got a wee-wee. Yeah, we have no leader with Joe Rogan going. We're all just floating. Things are weird. Yeah, I was just like, what's going on? Are you okay? We had nothing. It is a fun time.
It's a fun time. What? It really is. It's scary, but it's a fun time. These times? Yeah. As long as the war doesn't really break off, a real actual hot war, if they can stop these motherfuckers from doing that, it's a fun time. She keeps telling me to chill because I keep following that. What? It fucks me. That fucking lady's nuclear war book. Who? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just destroyed me. Amy Jacobson. It fucked me up. Terrifying. One from...
Broad City? No. Yes. The author. This lady wrote a book about what would happen during a nuclear war. Well, I would die instantly. I'm in New York. Yeah, we all would. Yeah. Yeah, New York's getting nuked first. And how dumb it is and how quickly it is. Both have a policy that's like, all right, yes. If they think there's a nuke. I was in Cuba, so me and Bobby were researching the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Bay of Pigs while we were there.
And, man, how close it was with that submarine. Three out of four Russians were like, we can't talk to Russia. So, like, there must be a reason for that. I bet they're attacked. We should launch. And one out of the four. One guy.
Hold on, though. Saved the entire world. Let's wait an hour. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's how close it was. And if he launched, then America would have to launch. You know, I know we're supposed to support the bros, but the guys on the fucking nuclear subs, they're going to just... destroy the world and then then what you fucking surface yeah and go all right well right
What are you coming back to, buddy? Yeah, stay down there as long as you can. You're coming back to a destroyed world. Yeah, don't do it. Not like there's spots you can go to. The whole world's cooked. The whole thing's going. Iceland. Not even that. We're so close. The Russians had to warn the United States.
They were launching that missile at Ukraine. Yeah, because it would end the world. Yeah. So it's the first time one of those missiles has ever been used. It's based on an intercontinental ballistic missile, but they call it a mid-range. So it's a mid-range ballistic missile. And it easily could have a nuke on it. So when they launched it, they had to let the United States know that they were launching it, but they didn't say if they had a nuke on it or not. Oh, really? No.
Shit. Bay of Pigs is wild. I don't think they said, let's Google that because what I read said. I thought they had to say, they had to have said there's no way. Give it a go. You think they said there's no news. This is just a show. I hope that's true.
Is that what ended the fucking world? The thing that I read said that they didn't. I do not know if that's true though. But it's so hard to know what's true and what's not. There's so many different stories out there. You know what I would like to know is that footage of those... Do I believe in dragons? Do I not? I think you do. It's so hard to know. Bigfoot's real. The video of that missile landing, though, was that real?
Yeah. I saw that. Because that was fucking cool as shit. That was awesome. Cool as shit. It looked like lightning. Yeah, like it sucked downward. Yeah. I mean, these are like some... Basically experimental things that's landing my drug enough for you now The stuff that we've seen is so small in comparison to the stuff that we have We have stuff that would wipe out entire shelves of the continent
Let's do it. You would kill like everyone in the UK instantaneously. Good. Get them some fluoride first. If they really wanted to go ham, if there was some sort of a... a real nuclear war and a bunch of them launched and you, you hit. Chicago with three big missiles with nukes on it, those things are a thousand times stronger than the Hiroshima bombs. A thousand. Twice would be enough. Let's see what the total is. What is the most powerful ballistic missile?
that carries a UFO bomb. What can it do? Look at this. Whoa. What? Whoa. Whoa. Are those real? It almost looks like the reverse footage of missiles firing. Yeah, it does. Jamie, how much more powerful are today's nuclear bombs than what they use in Hiroshima? And how much more powerful is today?
Today's weed than the 70s weed. Don't you think there were some people in the 70s that had the real shit? Probably, right? Yeah. Probably. This guy's getting cooked. When Jay used to come to L.A. and he goes, New York weed's as good as L.A. weed. I'm like, challenge accepted.
And he assumed his weed was good. Do you remember the time? The 70s must have been that. A bunch of dwarfs going, oh, this weed is good. And the heads were like, I don't know. Remember the time we fucked up? We went to Philly and we fucked up because we disregarded their weed.
Philly weed. Silly Philly weed. We got obliterated and we could barely talk on stage. Yeah, heroin. We got obliterated. It was fun. It was fun. Fun show. That's like anything. Blow. You can get some good blow out there. So how much bigger is it? Then Hiroshima. Okay, so look how tiny Rogan's Club. So Hiroshima 15 kilotons for little boy and the Russian ICBM has 800 kilotons. Oh my god I don't know what that means. That's a lot. It would just suck. It would suck so hard. A hundred.
I was looking at those New York maps and see where I lived in Queens. That's so crazy. Great, we'd just be on fire. We'd be in the fire zone. I would love to be someone, later generations would come to see me, like, playing video games. Frozen. Jacking off. Jacking off, yeah. Oh, yeah, Pompeii. Yeah, Pompeii Jackal. guy that's true a couple of those guys were gay how do you know
Pull it up. No, no. They were trying to say they were gay because they just want people to think they're gay. They love putting gay on people. Abraham Lincoln was not gay, bro. I don't know. Bro, these guys were dying in the middle of a fucking furnace of ash. We may as well try some cock.
Don't you think they just hug each other? I mean, what would you do if your friends were there? I would not hug you. I would not hug any of you during that. You wouldn't know what to happen. You would cling to each other. Let's hug. There's a dog, like, mid-run. Bro, you would cling to each other. You would cling to each other. You'd be fucking, you'd be all cooking together. I could use a hug. Instantaneously. Damn! I'm about curdling with you guys. I'm about sucking your fucking belly in.
Oh, she's eating her out. It could have been some guy just hanging out with his friend too, you fuckheads. What? Leave him alone. Could have been a mom and a daughter. But wasn't everybody gay back then, though? Historians love putting gay on everybody. I'm gay. Whoa, whoa, go back up. Nice cock. Nice. Home to an open atmosphere surrounding sexuality and sex.
multiple depictions of penises and sexual acts in statues and wall paintings. Oh, maybe they were gay. Thank you! How about maybe everybody was gay back then? Maybe it's like Afghanistan. He's like that Spartan guy from Segura's podcast. Why not go gay? What do you got to lose? There's no cameras.
Alexander the Great was not gay. What? Come on. I thought he was gay. Not gay. How do you know? How do you know? There's no... His real name was Alexander the Great. There's no record of him being gay, but he put up some statues of bros. How about that Rasputin cock? So what is the rumor for him being gay? What's it come from? It came from the movie Alexander. No way, really? That he was just gay the whole movie? Really? Somebody had to be gay back then, though.
Yeah. Oh, they were all gay. They were all gay. If Diddy was... I mean, is it like Diddy gay? Or is it like a real gay? I think it was Diddy gay. I think it was. Is it power gay? I think it was Diddy gay. I think he was having orgies.
It's unknown if Alexander the Great was gay, but historians believe he likely had relationships with men. So he might not have engaged as he fucks dudes. What are you trying to say? It's just like you're so sick of these Joe Behar's that you're like, let me just fuck a dude. Dude, it was so long ago. They're just making shit up. If it was Street Whoopi Goldberg.
Alexander the Great. He's getting fucked. At least I can talk to the guys. Ancient Greece, many men engaged in same-sex relationships without shame. Yeah, I think everybody was gay back then. Why not? I think there's a lot of pedophilia. They're going to say that about us then. They're going to go, look, man. No, not as much. Every billboard was guys kissing.
This is like climate change. This is a blip that goes up and it's gonna come down again. That's what it's like. Yeah, guys sucking each other all over the place. It's like, hey, that's kind of gross. I don't know. I saw that Jaguar ad. There's always gonna be a certain...
killed Jaguar like fucking Kid Rock killed Bud Light. I mean, what were they doing? What was that? What are they doing? You didn't see the Jaguar ad? I get most of my news from being on this podcast. The Jaguar, good. This is reliable. I like ABC News. The Jaguar ad is...
the fucking craziest speech. The guy gives a speech like it's four years ago. Like he's in the throes of the fucking BLM movement and like the wokest of woke times. Really? He should be wearing a mask when he does this speech. See if you can find the speech. ad is ridiculous. This? Yeah, this is Jaguar. What is this? The Olympics? This is sports cars.
All right, well, it's not so bad. It's kind of cool. Yeah, what is that for the cars? A lot of colors. Well, this is just weird, which is fine. I like weird. Target. Okay, but I'm asking for the press conference. Is that Megan Rapinoe? So the press conference is where the guy starts to talk. The ad is just weird. But then the press conference, the guy talks about how inclusive, they want all diverse, and this is... You got the wrong ones. Jacksonville Jaguars. Shout out, Gabe Davis. Yay.
And a bunch of nonsense and the way the way they say it is just like what are you selling cars or not? Why are you selling this political ideology? You ever see Century of the Self? Yeah, hell yeah. What's that? They're no longer selling the thing that has Adam Kirk. They're no longer selling the thing that has the value. So, like, pianos stop going from, like, this is a good Steinway piano with good sound to this will bring your family together.
And when you see the guy from fucking True Detective going, the freedom I get from driving on the road. That's got nothing to do with your motor. They're selling that to everybody on every front. It's like Subaru made with love. Right, but this thing you're selling is not...
audience. Yeah. Your audience is... People want to hear cars. Oh, dude, the Jaguar coops are fucking badass. They're pretty cool. They are badass. Not anymore. That's the problem. They're badass for guys like us. The Jaguar is always...
in the shop. That was the thing. That's true. The new ones are more reliable. You say about every single car. No, no, no. I think the new ones are owned by Ford, actually. They bought them. Yeah. The new Jaguars, the V8 coupe, is a fucking beast. Wait, Ford did this? It's an amazing car. I don't know. I think this is a different... They hired a guy. Did you find the press conference? Uh-oh. J-Mo's drunk. We scrubbed it.
Every time I type it in, it's just people making videos complaining about it. I can't find it. I guarantee you can find it. You've got to go to Reddit. Remember the Trump Joe Rogan episode? You searched Joe Rogan Donald Trump and it was like a bunch of fucking reaction videos came up. They made it impossible to find the video and we had to complain and they said it was an accident But like how did this accident happen? They wouldn't say See here's the thing
Like, maybe there's a way that you can, but this is me completely speculating. Okay. But maybe there's a way. Like, I don't like Ari Shafir. You don't. I run some sort of super pack. Very well known. I run sort of a super pack, or I think Ari Shafir. has a podcast that's dangerous and I might be able to do something by mass complaining about your podcast. Like mass flagging it. Like if I have a bot system and I can get like a million
people to mass-flag your video, maybe it gets put into a category where it's more difficult to find. They do that? I'm just imagining if I ran a company and it was potentially like a beheading Taliban video and it got mass flagged, you'd want it really hard to find. So you would hide the actual title of it.
you would make it so it's difficult to search. I'm just being as charitable as possible. That's what I could imagine. I don't think they want people to know that that's possible. So when you ask them, how did it happen? They don't give you a straight...
explanation because if that's the case and this is again completely me speculating but if I'm speculating that you find out that that's a thing and I bet somebody does know it's a thing if it is a thing they definitely don't aren't publicly known because then all these other foreign countries
Anybody who wants to stifle any kind of news story, anything, could just start using this process to hijack their system. Anytime I've come under public fire, it's like the videos that have nothing to do with it go lower because people are just like, let's just flag them. So you have, like you said, a thousand people flagging it.
The bot goes, this is probably problematic. Yeah, and they don't have the time to be searching everything. The amount of shit that gets posted every second on YouTube is... Mind-blowing yo, can we talk about every year about going we're not gonna do that shit anymore?
Oh, yeah, that was nice. That's the only one I've tried to explain to people, like, what? I'm trying to, in the kindest way possible, and this is what I've come up with. When I make fun of the dead golden girl, they can't... ban me for bullying anymore betty white yeah they'll have to go that's definitely not bullying we won't ban your account you can actually get an answer
But I want to hear what he said because it was so – it hyped me up. What he said is that you cannot have censorship on social media sites and you can't have the government interfering with free speech. I don't see the words that I said this video anywhere. I watched the video, Jamie. I'm not saying you didn't. I'm just saying I can't find it. Okay, well, keep looking. You need some regular. You can't have faces of death up there. Keep looking because I know you can find it.
It only shows that this is the source of it is the Financial Times. It says it was an interview. Yeah, but I watched it on Instagram. I did too. Typed it all over the place. I'm not seeing it. Did you type it on Instagram? Jaguar ad? Yep. Or Jaguar press conference? I typed in the guy's name. Damn, did they scrub it?
Maybe. That's crazy. They might. Wow. They definitely could do that. Did you see they scrubbed Jeffrey Epstein's connections to Bill Clinton off of Clinton's Wikipedia? Boy, Clinton's slippery, huh? Really? He's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In July. Duncan changed my Wikipedia to Ari doesn't have any. Drew Gold, but he's hidden it among his friends. How the fuck do I know? Boy, you can't find it, Jamie. You're right.
When I type in Jaguar and that guy's name, literally it says no results. This is crazy. They pulled the video. It must have been such a disaster. They must be so terrified of things like this, of people like us talking about it. Shane's about to get into the sponsorship. Yeah. I've always loved Jaguar. Bud Light and Jaguar. Drinking and driving. Look at those freaks. Jaguar. That's crazy. Jaguar managing director. How do you say his name? Raw Dunn.
Hold on. Said in an interview with the Financial Times the intended message had been lost in a blaze of intolerance on social media and denied that the promotional video was intended as a woke statement. Fuck you, it wasn't. If you put his name together, it's Raw Dong Lover. Think about that.
You ever think about that? You ever think about that at all? Dong lover. You just blew my mind. We need to reestablish our brand at a completely different price point. That was a tweet. I saw that. Oh, okay. It did seem a little too smart. Look at this. We need to move away from...
traditional automotive stereotypes. Glover said that while the overall buzz, the new campaign had been very positive. Look, that ad didn't bother me at all. I thought the ad was cool. The things that he was saying, vile hatred and intolerance in the comments regarding the individuals that appear in the video. Well, that I don't agree.
But what I do agree with was the things that he was saying were like crazy like you're supposed to be a car company Tell me how awesome your car is. What are the quotes though? That's not his quotes in that thing. You've got to look at Matthew McConaughey talking about Lincoln. It's got nothing to do with the car. It's the same shit. They all do the same shit. No, no, no. This is a press conference. There's no car. Okay, but this was a guy on stage that was saying all these crazy things.
things yeah that's what everybody exploded about that's what you can't find you can still find that commercial because the commercial is cool like i don't give a fuck if you want people painted up and dancing in a commercial it's visually interesting yep it's like apple but now jamie google Jaguar top-of-the-line coupe, whatever it is, the V8 coupe. Jamie, type in 8008 on a coupe.
The top of the line, whatever their fucking new one is. Is it called coupe? Do you actually, is that how you're supposed to say it? That thing is a beast, dude. Is it not coupe? Give me some volume so I can hear what this sounds like. Hold on a second. Wait, hold on. Time out.
Is it not coupe? They say coupe in England. It's like Porsche. Yeah, exactly. See if you can find one that has sound, because the thing sounds fucking incredible. It's a good-looking ride. It's like a Dotson 280 SX. Yeah. What are you talking about? What do you mean? Go to videos, Jeremy. What do you mean? You hear this thing. Now, this is the type of car that you're not going to... I love you, buddy. Give me some like go to where they're driving it Here we go right there, okay?
It's quite interesting getting out of something that's hundreds of thousands of dollars more. These two guys are going to get caught in a volcano sucking each other. Like Pompeii. Let's go to the woods where no one can see us. Let's test the steering. This is the throttle house. I'm excited with electricity. It's an amazing car. Rear-end me. That's all I have to say. I would have bought one before that press conference. Well, the 69 Jaguar is like the most coveted...
Collectible. Well, it's a coveted collectible. I drove one of those. Mitzi let me drive one of those for a while. Elon used to have one of those. Really? They're cool. It's got the long front end. Yes, exactly. They're interesting. There's a company that takes them and makes them resto mods now. So they make them drivable.
So you could drive one today and don't feel like you're gonna die every time you hit the brakes. Yeah, they're unreliable. If you're driving a 1969 car today, they're fucking garbage. I got a 73 Beamer. I've never had one problem with it. Yeah, this is the guy. This is the guy. This is head of my... Oh, fuck. What's he wearing? Oh, my God. Listen to what this guy says. Mateo's up there telling us what to do. And at Jaguar, we're passionate about our people.
and we're committed to fostering a diverse inclusive and unified culture that is representative not only of the people who use our products why the hell are you american man yeah because he's got a great shirt on Who's dominating in that shirt? He's like George Michael. What? Motors! Tires! Action. They're activists. We've established over 15 DEI groups such as Pride who are here tonight in the back. Yo, what's up, Pride? Shout out, Pride. Shout out, Pride. Yeah. Thank you guys for coming.
Women in engineering and neurodiversity matters. We've launched major policy. This is so retarded. It was kind of Bud Lighty. Transitionary. No, no, no. Transitioning at work. Transitioning at work. Yeah.
Tranny fluid. Oh my god. It's so crazy that it has nothing to do with the product. That's what I'm saying. It's crazy. This is what you're doing. You're pushing an ideology on a bunch of people that just want cool cars. Like, what? Like, hey, I don't disagree with any of those things. I want everybody to be happy. But shut the fuck up when you're selling cars. What am I buying? I think, personally, the annoyance is that level of politicizing a brand.
That's like a big company. That's Jaguar. Huge. On the right, the only time you see like a right wing, it's fucking MyPillow. It's literally fucking gold coins and MyPillow. Those are the guys giving speeches. They're like... this country we need to yeah and it's like my i mean those guys that's fine but when it's a major company and they're like we're gay you yeah the most he listed eight things and not one of them was the steering wheel
Right. Bro, letting their employees be their authentic self. What does that even mean? Letting them be their authentic self. You're putting that above. I'm going to come at you tomorrow when I get that. You're putting that above. I've been thinking about that for three days now.
to come back at you. You're putting that above making a good car and that's all anybody gives a fuck about. Yeah. You guys are stupid. Well, Boeing cut out the DEI. Well, they're all cutting it out because it's killing their business. It's what killed the Democrats. We could use a little on this show. A couple old honkies talking shit.
He puts the glasses on because he doesn't like what he just said. We're going to get Brian Simpson here. He's going to hide. Get Simpsons fucking. Kathy Griffin something. Let's do the Kathy Griffin. That poor lady. Trump head. Kathy Griffin got the raw deal. That was a wild one. That was. Especially when she had been on the fucking show. That's what's even crazier. She was on The Apprentice. Was she really? Yeah. She was a guest. Wasn't she? Wasn't Kathy Griffin on The Apprentice?
But who took her out? Which side took her out? The right. The right. That's so crazy because the right is such... A lot of them are as gay as the left. It's the woke right. They call it the woke right. Kathy Griffin says Donald Trump smelled really bad on The Apprentice. Yeah. Okay, that's funny. I bet Kathy Griffin didn't smell that great.
I bet she smelled pretty bad herself. I could smell you over me. That was from an award show that they sponsored. It was called the Attitude Awards. What was? The Jaguar. Oh, so he's just there to speak about that. Yeah, he's talking about Jaguar, though. That's the problem, too. We're hearing it about Jaguars, but he's just there to speak to that audience. Yeah. Which is, either way, you're still publicly addressing the Jaguars.
Like you're representing Jaguar. But I mean if we're talking about like the fucking decor wars and we talk about Tony's Thrones, it's like, what about his comedy? Like, that's not what we're doing here today. That's true. If I went to the gay fucking arena show, I'd be like, Jaguar's gay. Yeah. I'm trying to sell Jack Wise and everyone's gay. The problem is if it gets online, right? And then people are talking about it.
Always the problem is when it's shown to an audience that's not your intended audience. Right. Same with Tony. They're not just here to perform for these people. Exactly. It's like the Daniel Tosh joke. They took it out and put it on the news. Right, but the thing is, we don't want a company to be attached to anything.
like that. We don't want a company. We want a company to just sell cars. I don't want you to get politically active. It's frustrating. I don't want it on either side. If Ford was really heavy on right-wing issues and constantly... People drove people to abortions and fours shut the fuck up Yeah, you know, be like, shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear it. I want you to sell cars. But...
I get if that guy's there to speak to those people. But the thing is, he's speaking. They did. I can type it in. Every single one. That's what I was arguing about Budweiser. The Budweiser can had a gay can every June. Every single one does. sponsored Pride. Yeah, that's what I mean. The gate camp for Pride. And I'm like, just give 15 bucks to a party in Chelsea. Yeah. All of them.
Look, we all like gay guys. Of course. They're funny as hell. Well, I hate any kind of discrimination. And imagine being gay and all of a sudden someone's telling you you can't be gay. Like Ben Shapiro had the craziest take on it. Ben Shapiro. Oh, my dad. He thinks you should treat it like you treat like not murdering somebody. It's like it's a sin. There's a lot of things you want to do. Oh, that's the old Jewish thing. You treat it like gluttony.
drunkenness or whatever. You just got caught with that desire. You should overcome it. What do you Jews do? First of all, relax with you. When you Jews are involved in gay activities, do you keep it on the hush-hush? Yeah, they literally dig underground.
Do you dig underground? That's for storage. Is that what the tunnels are? Storage of fucking dudes. That's for storage. That's for storage. Why are you studying mattresses with jizz stains all over them? Why are you storing that? How come you haven't burned that? That's not it.
There's plenty of Yeshiva rabbis who are fucking kids. They report them. They go to jail sometimes. Sometimes they cover it up because they got the checks and balances. You guys are all fucking kids. But wait a minute. Isn't it more Catholics, though? It's way more Catholics. I think teachers fuck more kids than priests now.
Girl teachers in Florida. They just busted another lady. See? I'm sure she was hot as fuck. She got busted. The priest is creepy. Crazy look at her eye. It's all about boy sex or girl sex. Jamie, bring up some hot ladies. Jamie, search Pornhub.com. Use a VPN for that. Jamie, bring up some hot child rapist females. I think this lady had the kid porn on her computer, too. Oh, the Asian.
This is her. Not bad. Oh, no, not Asian. Dude, you would work for that in a bar. These girls are hot. What are they doing? Because they want to fuck the guy that they couldn't fuck in high school. That's Adrian Appalucci's joke. They go back. Is that what she says? How bad are men?
have to turn to a fucking 14-year-old boy to fulfill their desires. This wasn't happening in the 80s, though. I think they see a guy that's going to be a stud, and they say, I want to get him first. Look at that teacher. Look at that teacher. Oh, my God. Bite that lip with those glasses on. Damn.
You dirty lady. Tell me about scripture. Do you have your magic underwear? And the kids are into it. So that makes it also okay. Yeah, the kids are hard as a rock. They can come 30 times a day. And they become prom king after this. You're the most popular kid in the city. These fucking kids. Yeah, well, that's what it is. She made sex tape. 28 of them. With a 13-year-old. What a wild bitch. Missouri goes. Asking other students to keep watch. She was having sex with kids.
She was asking other kids to watch while she banged a kid. Fuck the honor roll. Wait, wait, wait. You're talking over everybody. We're just watching it. She's asking other kids to watch out. Look. She had a lookout. One on one teacher of the year. They were on the lookout. Who's this lady holding a fish, dude? If she fucked a kid, I'm going to be pissed. She fucked all the kids. That's her. Oh, man. Look at her.
Florida, middle school, always Florida. Always Florida! 14 year olds. Yes, ma'am, you did it. You did it. Good job with the fish and the legs. Too many GMOs. That lady goes to the gym. She's a freak. She can't take it. Man. She's born to be wild. There's not a lot of hot male pedophiles. to be alive. She's always got a fucking can of alcohol in her hand. She's like that Vegas senator. Do they go to jail these gals? I hope not. Please let them back out. Just bleach their hair.
He's got a rock hard. You got that mustache and ponytail. You're a fucking sex pervert. He bookmarked it. You're fucking finding the hottest rapist teachers. Jesus Christ. Well, if it's consensual. Just die right now. Change your name. Stop.
Move her around like they move around those Catholic priests. That's what I say. Do a bumper sticker like the honor roll. Move her around like they move those Catholic priests. They should have a new division of the Trump administration. Just move freaks around. To some kids who don't know how to write. That'll motivate you.
Yeah, I guess some kids know how to keep their fucking mouth shut. We found a group of boys. You give me an A, I'll give you the D. Understand that I keep a fucking secret, these little rats. This is Billy Madison. Yes! Want to touch the hiney?
That nice lady sucked your dick and you got her locked up in a cage. Veronica Vaughn. So hot. There's so many of them and they're hot. They're all hot. That's what's crazy. Also, these kids can get a boner. Oh, a lot of boners. That's the thing. They got a lot of boners.
They know wrong is right. I lost my virginity to like a 50-something-year-old, and I think she was just like, I need a guy who can get hard. Nice, Rogan. Nice. Nice. You're on the map, baby. We're back. That's what we do. It's good to have you back. Thank you. That's what we do. Jamie, what the... What type of music are we going to listen to while we bong these beers? Something without a copyright. Born to be wild. I think we need to hear that. Jamie, give me that.
Find a cover. Get a cover version. Oh, wait, are we allowed to play music? Yeah, we're going to do it on Spotify. Oh, sick. We released these only on Spotify so we can still go wild. No. Yeah, that's what we do now. Didn't we disagree? Yes. Can we do clips on YouTube? Yeah, that'll put clips on. It's just songs. It's just songs. Palestine. Fuck yeah. Whoa. Come and stand and take a motherfucking day. Yes. America. Fuck yeah. Yeah.
What a country. What a country. What a country. America rules. Were you guys happy when Trump won? No. Lies. I'll tell you what. You want to work for Netflix? No. It was funny because I've done it the last three times with Trump. The first time he won, I've never voted. I don't vote. Same. So I wasn't like, I still have that, but...
I didn't think I wanted Trump to win until he won the first time. And then when he won, I was like, yes. Well, my crypto went way up. I'll tell you what. Me and Bobby didn't find out who won until Saturday. Bobby Kennedy? Bobby Kelly. Oh. I am feeling in New York, a liberal area, a calmness. Yeah, they're all chill.
They took a day. Daddy's home. They took like a day to be like. Not feeling it. I'm feeling a sense of kind of relief. I'm just like an observer. They've got to know they're out of control. Well, people were more mad at Tony than the. The whole Trump winning. It felt like. That's gotta be our. That's just our world. Cowards and traitors. If you go tell anyone, you go Tony Hinchcliffe. Do you remember that? I don't know. That's just our world. He's easy to hate.
That's true. Especially if you don't know him. He's trying. He's trying to get hated. He likes being hated. He's a villain in a pro wrestling show. He's a heel, and the heels went wide, and it became a different vibe. Yeah. When it was Stone Cold, I think, goes in Kansas City and goes, Kansas City, your women are all ugly and your barbecue tastes like ketchup and cardboard. Stone Cold?
I think so, yeah. He better not have. He's just healing. It's fun. I'm clearly just a down syndrome guy at wrestling. Healing is fun. And that's what Tony likes to do. But it's like if you're one of those people that's not doing well and you see this guy selling out Madison Square Garden in 40 minutes, you're like, what the fuck? People get mad. They get angry. David Taylor said this. He's wrote it so well. He goes, all the comics got mad. I'm not going to say anything.
names you know them the ones that got mad at tony because they spent eight straight years trying to be politically relevant and none of them could really do it and they were earnest while they were doing it and then tony with some jokes became the national talking point of politics, and it tore them apart. Ooh, that's accurate. Damn. Tony should flip it. He goes, if you hate me, you're homophobic.
Yeah. But he's not gay, dude. Thank you. He's not? No. He's somehow against all odds. Against all odds. These are cold. He's not gay. I would sit it down. You're going to feel it. You don't need to. Jamie, you got a song to go with this? I want to hear Born to be Wild. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie, put on fucking Born to be Wild. Let's go. Jamie looks like the MyPillow guy now. Jamie does look like Mike Lindell. That's the name.
Wait, wait on it. Wait for the hook. Head on the highway. Yes. Looking for adventure. I better start now. Oh, he's gone. I can't believe I was worried about this day. Day drinking rules. Fire all your guns at once and explode into space. Keep it going, Jamie. I'm going to warm a couple of years out. I'm going to warm a couple of years out. You haven't finished it? This is your cold plunge come on Fire all your guns at once and explode into space
Is that a true nature child? We were born, born to be wild. We can find a sign. Never wanna die. Sorry. I lay it out. To be wild. Can you imagine not being American how fucking gay you are? You're Jaguar gang. You're fucking Jaguar gang. I take back all I said about the Jaguar guy. I kind of supported the Jaguar. I see the point now that I realize it was a big old pride meeting. Yeah.
Yeah. He was speaking correctly for that environment. He was doing what Tony did. It's just a problem. There you go. And it was given to the wrong audience. Fucking let go of Tony. I mean, I love him. I don't know. I love him too. We all love Tony. He's fine. When he gets on stage now, it's like fucking Richard Pryor just arrived. They go nuts. Which is good. That's what he needed. I introduced him a couple of times, like right after it was happening.
The pop was fucking insane. I got legitimately distressed over comedians coming after comedians. It really bothered me. Yeah, it's a bummer. Yeah, I'm like Santa Claus. I'm making a list, checking it twice. Of course, but also, how are you surprised by this? Comedians?
across the board are fucking dildos. I don't feel like they used to be. We keep talking about a time that I've never been around when it existed. That's the LA Times. The LA Times in the peak, it wasn't like that. It wasn't like that. They would shit on us being dirty, but not publicly. I was never around.
It was fun. The L.A. Times where everybody went woke like 2014 to 2018. It was fun. The L.A. Times? The L.A. Times when we were in L.A. The Comedy Store when you filmed your special. You filmed your special in 2014. I came back to the store. It was popping. It was popping and it was super positive for a long time. The only thing that would get you on is you're too lowbrow. All right.
That's fair. Yeah, there was a lot of that. But it wouldn't be a public admonishment of your material. Social media fucked that up. Well, it's also like people don't feel like they're getting enough attention for what they're doing. Yeah, that's all it is. It's the internet.
I don't know. Again, I'll say it again. I was never around when comedians were positive. You were in the wrong spot. If you were with us in L.A., it was fun. It was alt versus mainstream. I wasn't even doing it. It was alt versus main.
New York was pretty positive, too. But in New York, we hung out with the alt people. We hung out with them. Alt people, Patton, those kind of guys. They were mad at us for being better than them, and we were mad at them for being witty. Well, the thing was, we were free. We were free. We could do the stuff still that they did when they...
used to do. If you go back to Patton's earlier albums, he'd get canceled for a lot of those bits. Oh, the retard bit? He's got a bunch of... But also, all we saw was... But they're funny. All we saw with Patton was so tag-heavy.
Yeah, well, he's a great comic. He's a great comic. And especially back then when he was free. His KFC bullshit was great. It was like, God damn, that's set up. Tack, tack, tack, tack, tack, tack, tack. You know what I said to him once? It is totally true. He's like the best I've ever seen at making.
a premise work where I would have never imagined. He'd take a premise and be like, where's he going with this? I can't believe this is working. That's crazy. Calling his TiVo retarded. When his daughter called someone at Starbucks a monkey.
Yeah. Remember that? Remember that bit? I never heard that one. They're great bits, man. Yeah, he's great. They're killer bits. He's funny. But you get captured, man. If you're on a bunch of other fucking cowards and everyone's like backstabbing everybody and there's this like weird compliance thing where you have to...
completely adhere to an ideology 100% hook, line, and sinker or you're cast out as a Nazi. You're a right winger. But he doesn't because his true self is, oh cool, Chappelle wants me there? I'll do it. But isn't that why we got into this? To respond. We got into this to be free and wacky.
But you gotta have a bunch of people like us. You have a bunch where we're all friends and we all are free. And if you don't have that, you don't know what the fuck to do. Bro, I barfed in Shane's toilet and blamed on an O'Connor. I noticed you. I noticed you, you scum. I was like, bro, you were so drunk. Immediately, I knew that was you. And then Kyla was like, were you here? I'm like, did you get my present? I knew it was you. That was when we did the 999. That was a mistake.
Skank Fest and shit in that Tupperware and they opened it up. I gagged watching the video. Legion of Skanks. What did I say? Skank Fest, I just shit on stage. I'm done now. How did you get the note in the turd? Shoved it up my butt. Whoa. Jesus, son. Shoved it up my butt, wrote in. You know Gigi Allen sucked?
Oh, musically, yeah. Me too. Comedically, I've got nothing, but that butt shot. That butt shot, I'm number one. You're a prop comic now. You're shitting on stage. He's the only shit comic. If somebody tries to shit on stage, they're like, oh, you're stealing from R.
You can't take your shirt off anymore. You're Bert Kreischer. There was a bunch of guys who used to take their shirts off, right? Really? There has to be. You're Turd Kreischer. I can't believe that Bert was the only guy in the history of stand-up to take his shirt off on stage. Joey definitely has. He's just the only one who did it two times in a row. And then 1,000 times in a row. Right.
Did Joey ever take his shirt off on stage? He took his whole clothes off on stage. Nope, just bottoms. Just bottoms. Kept his top on always. So there's gotta be a person other than Burt. Is it possible that Burt invented taking your shirt off when you do your set? Probably. Janet Jackson. Who would? That's not happening. I think it's his last recorded set with his shirt on.
Really? Pull it up! Well, every time he used to do the OR, he used to leave his shirt up. Because he felt like the OR was too real there. He felt bad when he took his shirt off. Minnesota, Penn State. Pull up the score. Pull the score. Now he takes his shirt off every time he gets on stage. He has to. You're trapped. He gives away his shirts. He throws them to the crowd. I don't think he's even trapped doing it. I think he's...
He would definitely stop if he wanted to. Of course. But it's also like the crowd likes it, he likes it. Who cares? I think he feels free. Yeah. What happens if he gets ripped? That'll never happen. Oh, yeah. What happens if Burt Christy gets ripped? If he finds his true self. He's on the T. If he gets under 300 pounds, it's a massive coupe. Coupé. Coupé d'état. Jamie, I was expecting the Golden Gophers' Penn State score. Oh. I like that. Whoa. I never forgot what they did.
Penn State? Just never forget. What happened? They raped a bunch. Oh, that's right. How crazy is that? They covered that up a bunch. How crazy is it they covered that up forever? Sandusky. The best was Sandusky going, well, I can't just live next to a children's school?
Yeah, that's it. That's the issue. If you look into that one, though, that's one that's like, that's a conspiracy one. What do you mean? Well, that's the problem. That's not one guy. He was running, it was called Second Mile Foundation. It was a bunch of kids. It was for like, it was like Boys Town in the... What's the thing from Nebraska? Well, yeah, whatever. So he was running like a child sex... Yeah, yeah. He was running like... Second mile was for like kids without...
Parents who would tell. Oh, those are the best. Is he dead? Sandusky? No. He's still kicking. Really? Is he really? He's in prison now. He's in prison. I'm surprised they didn't get him because they hate child butters. He's too old though. What are you talking about? They would kill him.
Yeah. Yeah. I'll kill anybody. If he got a general population, I mean, he might be protected. Yeah, he's probably protected. Maybe they're playing football. Protect our pervs. I heard somebody, somebody, what's his name, Lee, was... Harvey Oswald. dating somebody who worked in prisons. And she was talking about Epstein. And she goes, Pete Lee. And she goes, anyone who's at all a celebrity, at all, screech level, gets watched a thousand minutes a day. And for Epstein to be unwatched is...
Undoable. Also, that was under the Trump administration. Yeah. When Epstein got killed. Listen, it didn't matter what administration. That is some very powerful people. It has nothing to do with who's the president. No, I know, but he, you know. Why has that come out? Not a word. Not a list. Not a thing. Nothing. Well, jizz is still there. Yeah, what's going on with that? And I would imagine it's not going to either. No, it ain't. Everybody's like, when Trump gets in office, the end.
Yeah, he's going to tell it himself. It was fun. You were on an island. We would have all gotten on that plane. Let's be honest. And the reality is they were running that for a long time. And there's probably a whole network of connected, powerful people that told you it was cool. Nothing's going to come of it. We're going to have a good time. We're going to go to the island. Meet Stephen Hawking. No one probably.
told you these girls are 16. All you knew is there was girls there. I bet there was also some adult sex. It was designed to be the coolest thing possible. Just like these ditty parties. Same kind of situation. You get there, you get loose. First of all, celebrities do not feel comfortable. unless they're around people that are like them. Celebrities. Yeah. If you're Jamie Foxx, like Jamie Foxx is cool when he's around Kevin Hart because Kevin Hart is famous too. Yeah. He's taking a photo.
Oh, so, you know, these people that are like super powerful world leaders, what's their fucking peer group? Other super powerful world leaders. Then they mix in a bunch of scientists and a bunch of like very influential intellectual people that are interesting to hang out.
And then you get a free trip to an island, you're partying, and then they're telling you, it's cool, we do this all the time. And you're like, okay. All of a sudden you see Prince Edward get his dick sucked. What the fuck? I bet there was a bunch of like... the Clinton picture up.
Imagine if you're Clinton, you go, hey man, what's the picture? What the fuck is that all about? I think there was some above age sex too. And like, wait, what's going on in that room? I'm like, you're not cool. You wouldn't get it. 100%.
I'm sure there's a bunch of ladies. You're a dork. You just fucked 19-year-olds. They're all married guys. You're all in trouble. You're all busted. Also, if you're fucking a bunch of girls and you're supposed to be some guy who talks about physics, no, I don't want to listen to you about physics.
I got a video of your dick. Get out of here. You can freak out. You like pleasure. You like dick pleasure. Unlike me. I don't. I don't. It's disgusting. So there's all these people that are a bunch of hypocrites that are judging a bunch of people that went to this fucking island that you would have went to. too especially if you didn't know what the fuck was going on and you're some
dork who teaches complex mathematics at Princeton. You're looking for some money. You're looking for funding for this. They're like, hey, there's going to be some rich guys there. Oh shit, there's fucking kids here. And Epstein would fund science. He funded a bunch of different science projects.
projects. Damn. And then you have fucking Clinton. It was a well-designed trap that would trap literally any human on Earth. Listen, man, the Israelis know what they're doing, right, Ari? Yeah, they do know what they're doing. Dude, that pager thing was... Oh, that was diabolical. Slick. Great. You've got to appreciate that. That was James Bond shit. Total James Bond shit. You had to go from like, they're going to buy from this site. it was what i could win the packages who buys a pager
These guys were doing it because everything was compromised. Because in today's day, with Pegasus, the Israelis have Pegasus. They listen to any phone they want. They listen to your phone, my phone, anybody's phone they want to. Shit. Uh-oh. Even when your phone is off. They can listen to it. Yikes. These murderers would take their phone with them to bury a body. Dumbasses. Leave it at home.
Leave that phone at home. They can't help but check TikTok. You don't want to watch TikTok. They're addicted to the reels. But the P. Diddy. Why can't we get anything concrete? All we really have is the hotel hallway beat ass. That one is in the process. I don't know.
But hold on. He's in jail. There's a lot going on. There's a lot of lawsuits. That one is like, we're going to find out. Jamie Foxx just recently said that P. Diddy poisoned him. And that's why he got that stroke. I've heard that. He talked about it on stage. He said it? He said it. He got poison? He said it. He goes, I didn't have a heart attack because of the vaccine. It was Diddy shutting me up. See if we can find that. Because he said it on stage. Diddy was poisoning people?
Bro, I think there was some crazy shit going on. Like Cosby shit? Like drugging? I think murders. There's alleged murders. A bunch of people that got pneumonia. A bunch of convenient people that died of pneumonia. Jamie Foxx. addresses whether Diddy was responsible for his 2023 hospitalization while filming Netflix special. Holy shit. Jamie Foxx has a Netflix special? Did they not care about at all stand-up? Jamie Foxx is hilarious. Audience members...
Hold on, go back. Oh, I see him at clubs all the time, working out his bits. What is that? I don't respect grinders. The audience members had varying accounts of the comedian's words. Two of them claimed that Fox said Diddy was responsible for what happened to him, that he's the one who called the...
FBI on Diddy, who's currently in prison awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges. A source close to Diddy insisted to Daily Mail that there is no truth to Sean Combs putting Jamie Foxx in the hospital. There's no chance it was a joke.
I mean, yeah, it was a joke, but a joke based on truth or not truth? It is possible. That's totally possible. I trust the Daily Mail. That's totally possible, but it's also possible he was explaining while he wound up going to hospital, and he hasn't talked about it since. He never talked about it.
Look at this. Big Homie CC, a celebrity security guard, claimed in an interview with Cam Capone News last week that Fox was poisoned by Diddy. I know Combs poisoned Jamie Foxx, and Jamie Foxx reported him to the FBI because of it. Jamie Foxx reported this man because...
To the FBI because of this, he claimed. So I've seen that video where that guy's talking about how Jamie Foxx reported. He was poisoned three times, I think, in it. Oh, he said it as well? Yeah, he's like, why do I have cyanide in my system? Jesus Christ. That's a legit question. Why do I have cyanide? Jamie Foxx wipes away tears as he gives his artistic explanation.
Of mystery illness. I love tears in a comedy special. That's how we fall into clickbait. What is that? Artistic explanation of mystery illness. I know. We're on a weird site, and that's how you fall into clickbait.
Oh, boy. So, I don't know if it's true. We won't know until we see the actual Jamie Foxx Netflix special, which Ari has bookmarked. He's ready to go. Yeah. Did you see the Rosie O'Donnell, like, a bunch of, like, stuff before we're talking about it? Yeah, she looks like Steve Bannon. Hers just makes...
He's been making jokes over the years about Diddy and him going to jail and what he's doing wrong. Really? It was like Cosby. Rosie O'Donnell was joking about it? Yeah, it was like they all knew about it, but you can't quite talk about it. Meanwhile, all these people are moving to Europe. That's right. How wild is that? Like Ellen just moved to England? Like, see ya. Well, better health care. Is he talking about it here? Pull it up.
This is December 10th. Oh, hell yeah. That's why I couldn't get a December date. What Happened Was. Wow, it's called What Happened Was. That's going to be a big one. It might be like a one-man show rather than stand-up. If they make a trailer like that, it's like... What happened once? He's like, I got drugged by Puff Daddy. Right. So funny. I'm going to win a Grammy. So I wake up and I'm sucking LeBron's dick. I don't know how I got here. LeBron. Another guy scared of China.
LeBron. Oh, yeah. The strongest guy. Although, I was talking with my friends earlier. I don't think LeBron... LeBron's one of the only famous guys that never got hit with a pedophile fucking accusation. He might have never fucked a child. LeBron might be the man. Did you ever see him fake reading Malcolm X's book? He does fake read a lot. He does these interviews where he shows up with a book, he's in the locker room, can't put this book down. I'd defend him on that.
We've all done that. I've read the first chapter of every book on earth. I have stuff on our bookshelf. I went over Callan's house once, and he had something like Catcher in the Rye sitting on his coffee table. I go, you're not reading that. I go, you have that out there when girls come over. He goes, you're right. He goes, how did you know? I go, you scumbag. I go, that's like so obvious. I would have thought that guy could be a phony.
It's also a serial killer book. Calvin was so nutty when I first visited him, when I first started hanging out with him. He didn't have a lock on his door, and someone broke his doorknob off, and he left it off. And so, like, he didn't have anything. He had, like, clothes. couple of books that he pretended to read, and a lady, a homeless lady, walked into his apartment while he was sleeping and was cooking breakfast.
And he goes downstairs. He smells something cooking. He goes downstairs. There's a homeless lady in his kitchen cooking. She's like, you got it going on, honey. Look at all the stuff you got here. And he's like, you have to leave. What? Callum was wild. Damn.
He didn't have a doorknob. His doorknob was broken up. There was a hole in the doorknob area where you could just push open the door. So he would just shut that door and go to sleep in Venice. Damn. In Venice. I was like, dude, you're going to die. He's got to be careful because squatters, they're hard to get rid of. Well, back then there was no squatters.
There was none of that back then. I don't know when all that shit started happening, when people decided they could move into people's houses, but it wasn't a common thing back then. Israel. Israel. They have laws. You can't get rid of those people. I know. It's crazy, especially in some states.
He had homeless people on his porch. He's like, whatever. Well, the homeless said he stabbed the guy. Yeah. And he goes, whatever. Just don't be weird, but it's fine. And then he comes home. The chicken stabbed the dude. He goes, you guys got to go. What? No, no, we're cool. He goes, it's too much, you guys. You got to go.
He videotaped her with blood on her hand, and she's staring at her hand. She goes, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. She was sounding like crazy. She was schizophrenic. And he's like, nah, you're just a cunt. She was completely schizophrenic. These people were like camped out.
Stan Hope had a house in Venice that had the American flag painted on the side of the house. The whole house was the American flag. That's fun. It was hilarious. And we parted at his house multiple times. Yeah. And he was just such a silly boy. And he let these people just sleep. I'm like, are you letting these people just sleep there? Do you know them? He goes, yeah, they're good friends. Venice is wild. Venice is creepy. There's something weird about that area. He loved it.
It's perfect for Santa. It is perfect for him. He fit in like OJ's glove. It was perfect. Is he still in Bisbee? Yeah, he's the king of Bisbee. Why would he leave? Didn't his house catch on fire or something? You know another one. You can live in a teepee out there. It never gets hot. It never gets cold. When it gets hot, it doesn't get too cold. All right, boys. Do it for America. Yeah. America versus Israel. Oh, shit. That's the end of that. Israel's done. Not bad. Not bad.
Did you see Tony play drums on stage? With Jelly Roll? With Jelly Roll? That ruled. No. That fucking ruled. He played drums. He killed it. That fucking ruled. He killed it. Jelly Roll's a fucking man. Jelly Roll's a fucking man. Oh, yeah. Good guy. He's the man. He was out here the other day. Hangs out at the club. So cool. I DM'd him like, hey, buddy, we've never really hung out. Everybody I know likes you.
Look, let's hang out. If you're in New York, come hang out. And he was like, yeah, dude, that's great. Here's my number. Text me. And he gave me a fake number. No. You got jellied. No. I was like, well played. No, that was an accident. I don't know. He's going to see you. Fucking rules. He probably gave you an old number and he forgot because he was high.
Damn. I doubt he did that. I thought it was cool as shit. I doubt. I was like, hey, man, it's all right. Nothing. I'm like, well, nice. Severely doubt. Yeah, he wouldn't do that, but. That is very funny. Especially to do it to you. The Kid Rock Watch story last time, right? That was great. That was good.
He gave us a fake watch and left, and he was like, I want you to have this. Fake diamond. Me and my friends fought about it for 20 minutes. He gets it. I was like, oh, this is from Amazon. This is a $5 watch. He wore it all night to trick us. How crazy was the garden with all those guys? It was crazy. Kid Rock. Yeah. Dana White.
It was like John Jones bowing to Trump. It was like the gladiator bowing to Trump. The pop when Trump walked in the building was like, you had to be there to understand. It was like, it always is a huge pop when he shows up every time. But this was like triple that. It was a five-minute standing ovation. Jesus. Five minutes. Five minutes. Wow. It is crazy that we've lost sight of, like, a president-elect is coming in. Yeah. This is awesome.
We've just lost sight of what that means. I can only judge someone by how I experience them. I like the guy. He's fun. But it's funny, he shit on you, and then he comes on. He plays. He barely shit on him. He said something kind of crazy, though. I wonder how loud I'm going to get booed at the UFC out of all the places. Maybe at the mothership. But also, also, Shane at Kiltony MSG.
We're just shitting on, as Trump, shitting on Rogan. And then Rogan coming out. It was so funny. Watching from the sideline. They all knew. And then you come up, the applause. And Shane's like, okay, that means he's here. I don't have to turn. And just going. There's nothing weirder than being a part of a presidential election. It's real weird. Weird. Nothing weirder, especially like our
You were here in episode three or some shit of this podcast. Imagine this fucking thing somehow or another affects the thing that we used to do in my spare bedroom. I was just talking to somebody at an airport or something like that.
Does he do that from his house? I'm like, no, he used to. And then he had enough porn stars on. It was mostly Andy Dick. You shouldn't be around my family. I didn't want Andy Dick at my house. And then there was a few other people. I was like, we have to have a location. And then we did it at Red Bands for a little while, but that was too complicated. We were the first one to get a studio.
Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Fleshlight was in there. Yeah. I was like, I got to get out of my house. I have young kids and I have too many weirdos coming over the house. Yeah. Me alone shouldn't be a trans. You were over there before the podcast, bitch. But it was like one of those things where I was like, okay, I think it's growing. So I probably just like accept it. Move on. The next move is the Ranch Boys. I can't wait. Oh, I've been looking.
I've been looking. We're going to do something crazy. Can't wait that. We're going to have a helicopter pad. Let's shoot some guns. Oh, we're going to have that. I'm going to make a tactical range. We're blowing out cars and shit. Let's blow up a cow. I'm looking at locations. They're trying to fight Russia. Let's hurry up. I don't really think...
Putin's that stupid. I think he's going to realize what's going on, and I think they're probably working this out. Alex Jones said that Trump is having secret meetings at Mar-a-Lago. I hope it's true. I hope it's true when they're trying to come up with some sort of a... Mark Zelensky tried to come on. Whoa! Yeah, they tried to get Zelensky on. I was like, what are you talking about? When you get an offer for somebody, they must come at your bookers or whatever. Uh-huh.
Do you stop and like, hold on, let me think about this, whether I want to be part of the story or not, whether it'll be interesting or not? Well, I wanted to stay out of the presidential election shift because it's gross. Because I feel like I had to. I feel like this is so nuts. This is so nuts. When that Tim Walz guy...
That guy, it's so nuts that that guy was going to be the vice president. You're telling me this whole thing's fake then. You're telling me you don't care if someone's a liar. You don't care if they lied about their military rank, where they served. You don't care if they lie about being an assistant. You don't care if they lie about...
Tiananmen Square. There's too many things. This is so crazy. You would get fired if you were an assistant manager at a fucking oil-changing company. Jiffy Lube would fire you. So let me ask you a question, though. In two years from now... There's no more Kamala. There's no more Democrats for a while. We're deep into the next thing. Can all these people now make fun of the current president?
Yeah, they should be they should be able to they should be able to you should always be able to make fun of people Yeah, and if Trump does something stupid, we're gonna be right here making fun of them great. It doesn't yeah He's the best chance to avoid
World War III, which is a pretty good candidate. Also, J.D. Vance, Vivek, Tulsi Gabbard, all these people, RFK Jr., all these people are very promising. The anti-war lady, Tulsi Gabbard, going to Trump, and the pro-war guy, Dick Cheney, going to the other way, is like, that should come.
to tell you what you need to know about international wars. How about the fact that the left was openly embracing the fact that Dick Cheney invoided Kamala. You should be like, get out of here. Or endorsed Kamala, rather. They weren't going like, what? That's like Epstein endorsing you. You gotta spin it.
standing back and say, this guy's responsible for like how many fucking people dead in Iraq? Have you ever see Vice the movie about him? Yeah. Kind of made me a fan. About who? It was supposed to make you not like him. Really? Made you a fan? Jamie, have I talked about this before?
No, he was a cool guy in that movie. In the movie, there's a part where he's like a drunk piece of shit. Who? Dick Cheney. He's working on power lines in fucking Wyoming or some shit. And he's just getting in drunk bar fights. And then his wife... Lynn Chaney is like, are you going to be a loser your whole life? Yeah. And he's like, no. It's a Howard Stern movie. No, I won't.
And then he conquers the world. Right. And kills a million people. Yeah, but is that what happened? Remember when he shot his friend? By the way, Dick Cheney, no offense. I love you. You think you're great. Remember when he shot his friend?
Yeah, he shot his friend in the face. Shot him in the face. His friend apologized. Baller. Beast. Yeah, pretty crazy. Beast. That's right. That's a lot of pop. Sorry, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. That's on me. You shot me in the fucking face? That's on me. be aware that you're retarded. Come on. You were drunk. You got a shotgun. Jesus. That's Randy Marsh saying I'm not against big toilet paper. No, we love Dick Cheney. Republicans buy sneakers too.
What? What? Sneakers. Sneakers. Boy, that was close. That was close. That was real close. Sound like it's Snickers. Sneakers. We need something else. Sneakers, please. Let's mix it up. What's another good patriotic song? Hold on, hold on. Oh, oh. The Hulk Hogan America song. That's actually great. That's a good one. Let's go with that one. Is that a fuck yeah? No, it's not a fuck yeah, but it's great. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
It's probably the number one song from a record. How crazy is it they had Hulk Hogan rip his shirt off at a political rally? And how could you not be behind it? It's wacky time. Wow. Damn, this does hit. I forgot it. It's my childhood. Simone's getting harsh. Damn, he's brown. Look how brown he looks. Is that brown face? That was me as a mascot. Who sang this? Who sang this? Him. No. It's Hulk.
No. It's a crazy photo. It says 21 million views. 21 million views. That's insane. We can make it 22. Rick Derringer. He's a guy. Hey. Catch around the ride. Okay, let's go. Let's go. Mark, three, two, one, go. You better do it all, Mark. Do it, Mark. Do it, Mark. Come on, Mark. You better finish that. Just keep pouring. Think about America. Think about America. Do it to stop the war in Ukraine.
Not bad. That's good. Not bad, Mark. Not bad. Best one yet. Best one yet. Best one yet. Now, take what's left in mind and you drink it. Oh, shit. The jizz bucket. Like a dirty person. That's a real one. That's a real American. Yeah, that might have been the best one. You drink the backwash. Drink the backwash
No, no, no, don't. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. You were close. Do it. Fuck it. It's over. You remind me for a second. Shane, stop me. Wow. It's not. He doesn't even reach his mouth. He doesn't even reach his mouth. I'll do it. I don't give a fuck. Let's go! You're sick
I have one of these in my studio for my podcast. It's almost like a drink. It's almost like a drink. Talk him into doing something. That's basically a pre-com. Okay, you guys gotta shut up for a second. Because you're all looking really hot right now. I like how you're diverse. If there's a volcano, I'm sucking one of you. Volcano? That's insane. I'm about to erupt. Imagine living near Yellowstone just knowing the other day that baby's going to go.
As soon as it does, I'm hitting the fucking... That might be the spot to be, though. You might want to be, like, right there instead of starve to death in Maine. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be a funny episode of the show. Do you know about the second of Saturday? Hey, are we doing the show in Mar-a-Lago? Well, we were gonna, but you said, I don't want to influence an election. I changed my mind after they shot at him.
That changed everything. Who do you think shot at him? CIA? Just one guy? What's the saying? They got rid of the goalie? What's that pull the goal they pull the goalie on that one defense-wise like the I think they let a boy go. That boy was in a BlackRock commercial. I just corrected you on sports. That is a weird one. He was in a BlackRock commercial and there's a cell phone data record. See if you can find this so I don't fuck this up. There's a cell phone data record of a phone that...
came from an area that's near the FBI headquarters back and forth to this kid's home. This kid's home was professionally scrubbed. No silverware, no nothing. Hold on, I'm not done. Cremated him ten days after the assassination attempt. There's no toxicology reports if you find if there's no press conference if someone tries to shoot
a guy who eventually winds up being the president-elect, you should at least find out if this guy was drugged. Was he on crack? What was he doing? You would do that. You would do that and then you would release it publicly. He was under the influence of psychotic drugs. You would do something you would want to know.
At least there should be an account of how this happened. It's probably on SSRS. What went wrong. For sure. Definitely. The only thing that went wrong, or the only thing that did happen, rather, was the head of Secret Service. That lady. The Secret Service. Whatever it is.
I'm a little drunk. The Secret Service lady, that lady got fired. But she didn't want to get fired. She tried to keep her job. She actually tried to explain. And the dumbest explanation, there was a sloped roof. Which there wasn't. But also, there was a... a slope roof where the other snipers were on. It was more slope. Slope roof, so what? So it was too dangerous to have snipers up there. Someone who regularly visited Crook's home...
and work, also visited a building in D.C. located in Gallery Place. This is the same vicinity as an FBI office on June 26, 2023. Whose device is that? Hold on. Devil's advocate. I've lived in D.C. I've lived in the area. There's FBI stuff everywhere. How close is... Oh, wow. That close? That close? No. I pulled back. That's the same block. I think the accusation was that they'd done it more than one time. Fuck. Wait.
D.C. Oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. Hold on. Hold on. We found a device linked to Crook's work that traveled to Butler, Pennsylvania on July 4th and July 8th. Device stopped all activity on July 12th. On August 30th, 2023, one device linked Crooks visited Allegheny Arms. So this is the place where he got guns. So they tracked all of his phones and the people that visited him. So someone... There it is. That's a stupid fucking watch.
So someone visited does that mean that it was the FBI that did something and no it doesn't necessarily It could be anything could be just a person that randomly happened to be there that went to that area
But it's kind of weird that they're not showing you the toxicology. It's kind of weird. There's no press conference. The guy tried to shoot. The guy was the president for four years, and everyone's making like it's no big deal. And then when they asked him, they asked Kamala Harris about Secret Service protection. She's like, a lot of people don't feel safe.
You know trans people don't feel safe. There was like this crazy take on it that was so nuts. Like what are you talking about? That could be you. The crazy people are out there. You have to protect all of us. High profile people that are running for president. Do you believe in democracy?
You have to protect them. You can't say everyone feels in danger. No one feels safe. I don't feel safe. Immigrants don't feel safe. Trump deports them. He got shot in the fucking head. And now with the guy behind him that got killed. Miracle. It hit his ear. Yeah, he turned weirdly. And it works. It makes me feel like we're in a movie. Wasn't JFK yesterday? Is that right? Yeah. November 22nd. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think it was yesterday.
Whoa. Does RFK have security yet? Oh, he's got a shitload of security. Oh, there you go. Yeah, he's got a shitload of security. Tony has security. Of course RFK has it. Well, Tony had security before he needed security. Tony was like, isn't it cool they have security? They each have a throne. They each have a throne. I'm shitting on it too much. Swords. Tony rules. Oh, I love Tony.
I know. I think I've been nothing but negative so far. Somebody brings up Tony, I'm like, shut up. We're goofing. It is kind of crazy, though, that someone tried to kill him, and it's kind of like an afterthought. No one cares about it anymore. It's strange. It would have been the next... Harvey Oswald, if that guy shot...
Trump and killed him and then they killed that guy that would have been it we would have never known it would have been just like the JFK assassination 10 years from now Giannis Papas would be on some late night talk show with a video of the assassination no one saw before. Just like Dick Gregory did. Somebody would. Dick Gregory was a comic. Dick Gregory, I've been researching him a little bit, ruled. Gave up his whole comedy career.
For activism. Said I can't be a fucking accepted black while nobody else is. Playing cool ass music? Oh, is this fucker? What is it? Are you ringing? What are you watching, you weirdo? What is this?
That's hilarious. That's your ringer? No, no, no. It was an ad on a fucking NFL. Precocious bastard. Oh, you were watching something while pissing. I was looking at sports scores. Yeah. Dick Gregory is one of those guys, and I'm mad that I didn't go to one of his shows. I saw one. Because he had a show in New York, and I was thinking of travel.
and going to see it and I didn't go to it. I saw him at the DC Improv. Oh, not DC Improv. John X ran a room and I saw him there and it was three and a half hours long. Whoa, that's too much. He gave up his whole career because I can't be an accepted black man while none of my cohorts are.
accepted. Fuck this. What do you mean? He goes, I can't be accepted by whites where nobody else is. In the 60s. This is a long time ago. Cosby was accepted. Yeah, but a different time. He goes, I'm not going to be that. And they wrote a book called... Called the N-word. Yeah. But actual. And then now people are getting banned for suggesting it because of the title. But that guy underrated how crazy and influential and intelligent he was. And funny.
100% that's the whole thing about him getting that video so he got that film from Time magazine Time magazine had that film for 12 years what film? The film of the Zapruder version of the assassination. So Adrian Zapruder was filming with a Super 8 camera. And he catches Kennedy's head exploding and his head going back into the right. And that threw this giant monkey wrench into the whole narrative of that he was shot from the school book depository because his head goes back into.
the left from a bullet that's supposed to come from behind him it doesn't make any sense and then on top of that there's a moment where he grabs his neck Which is the entry hole. He got shot in the neck. So someone shot him from the front. But in the Bethesda, Maryland autopsy report, that's a tracheotomy hole. But hold on. In the Dallas...
version of it. When they got his body in Dallas, they said it was an entry hole. So there's a lot of contradictory evidence. This is all in... David Lifton wrote a book called Best Evidence to turn me into a fucking loon. I love how you push back on it. Trump with that. That was baller. He goes, I read enough. He goes, how much? Plenty. How much though?
More than half or less than half? Well, he wanted to win, and I didn't want to push too hard. I'm trying to have a conversation with this guy where I'm going to ask. One of the big things was you did ramp up the budget deficit. You did ranch up. You ramped up what we owe. But what he explained that kind of makes sense is that what he was doing with getting rid of regulations, more American oil, it was going to stimulate the economy. We were on our way to overcoming it. Then we got hit by a cold.
OK, that's reasonable because he did the deficit did increase significantly during his term because of tariffs, because of a bunch. So I was trying to figure out, like, I don't understand that stuff. I just know what I read about it. I did my best to try to like what's like a very.
important aspect of what he's talking about. We're going to bring the economy back. OK, but during your time, the deficit did rise. So what was that about? So he had a reasonable explanation. His explanation was it takes time. We were on our way to coming back in a huge way. And then we got. hit with COVID. Everything got shut down. That's all real.
And then there's like a bunch of collusion as to why did we get shut down when he wanted everything to open back up? Did they want the economy to tank right before the election? Fucking of course they did. Of course they did. That's why they would lower gas prices right before an election. But what I've known about you for 80 years I've known you is JFK assassination and aliens. And it's like if I could see in any future of Joe Rogan talking to a former or current president.
He would ask those two questions. I was a little disappointed with the... That was one of those moments. You ever hear someone say something dumb as fuck and you're like, oh shit, this guy's dumb? Yeah. That was like the... I don't think Trump's dumb. Yeah. At all. But when he was talking to you about...
Aliens. And you asked him a question and he was like, yeah, Mars, who knows? And it's like, no, it's obviously not Mars. It's not that close. It's far, far away. That was the one moment where I was like, oh, shit. You brought up aliens? Anyone to fuck those pilots. We talked about aliens. He'd have to ask the Area 51 and what happened. It was the Mars comment. That's one of those like...
One time I was smoking weed with my friend. We were looking at the stars, and a shooting star went by, and he was like, that's a star flying through the air. No. No, you have no concept at all. No, it's not at all. It was the same thing with Trump with the UFOs things. He was like...
Yeah, Mars is right there. Also, there's a thing. No. But hold on. There's a thing about Mars that's fascinating. And one of the things about Mars that's fascinating is at one point in time, whatever billion years ago, it had an atmosphere. It was probably closer to the sun, and it probably had life. It probably had something. I think that was billions of years ago. What do you mean by life? Some sort of biological life. Amoebas?
Yeah, something. Now, whether or not there was actually human beings. Dragons, possibly. But what is it, the Dogon tribe? Is it the Dogon tribe? Dragons maybe I believe in both aliens and dragons. How about that? And I also believe in Joy Behar But even was, I'll give it to you if you were. Like, we're in the same tribe. Like, I don't hate that lady.
Know she's lost, but they're all lost on that fucking show. Imagine being on that show You got an audience in front of you have seven minutes segments. You got a bunch of producers You're on ABC news like shut the fuck up. That show sucks. You're you're not gonna make it any better, you know
But she's just a lady. She's a lady trapped in her own biology. She's trapped in her own age. Trapped in the time she lives in. She's on a show where her and Whippy Goldberg are the matriarchs. Like, it's chaos. Yeah. The whole thing's nuts. It is nutty. That's nuts.
They need Barbara Walters to come back from the grave and start running that thing correctly. And if you watch when Trump went on, this is the crazy thing. We can play this now. Trump went on The View? I sent this to the group chat. We can play this now. Trump went on The View during this? I would not. No, no, no. Years ago when they blew him. Years ago. No, they blew him. When Trump was here, I wanted to open up the show. This is my thought.
when I had him on. I talked about it, but I didn't have that clip because I didn't want him to copyright flag it. No, I didn't want him to copyright flag it because it's so crazy. I was like, this conversation I'm having with him is so important. I'm just like, let's just reference it. Let's just reference it. So the video is from like 2012. It's like before he even runs for president. He goes on The View and they go, our friend Donald Trump. And the whole audience cheers. Watch this.
You've never seen this? No. Watch this. What? I sent it to the group chat. Because he was a big... Well, Mark, I ignore a lot of your stuff. I understand. I get it. Where's the light? The light is right here. Oh, Barbara Wawa. They don't want to show that he was their friend 2011 It looks the same years Look at the cheers. Yeah, he had a board game. Standing ovation. He had a board game. Standing ovation. Look at this. Cherie Shepard. Hey, there she is.
Look at this hugs Joy Behar Joy Behar big hug and kiss my friend look at that They just hugged Hitler. Who's the one hot chick? Elizabeth Hasselbeck from Survivor. She's a Republican. Married to a fucking quarterback. Better back in a Hasselbeck. Look at this. I mean, this is amazing. They loved him. They sat down with him. They talked to him about how he's...
Progressive and liberal when it comes to social issues, but economically conservative. And you might be a great president. Are you going to run? And he was talking about it. Who cares? She's barely alive. Look at Joy Behar. Look at Joy Behar right next to her. All huggy, kissy. Dude, Trump holds it down. Look at that. They're all over him. They're all hanging out with him. They're happy to be there with him. You ever seen him on Oprah?
Oh, yeah, it's amazing. He killed it. Oprah was also asking him to run for president. The whole thing is nuts. That is smooth. Way back in the day. Okay, find out when Oprah, go to Oprah asking Trump if he's going to run for president. What we saw...
is the greatest media psyop in history. Wow. Did he say, grab him by the pussy? Of course he did. Guess who else did? A lot of those people. Especially back in those days, back in the days before the internet, people said, why else? I say, grab him by the pussy. locker room style shit. I listened to the whole thing. Yeah. It was a normal, he was like, I'm rich, so girls let me do stuff. I'm famous. I don't understand the...
Even Chappelle had a joke about that. He goes, you left out the second part, and you intentionally left out the second part. He goes, and they let me, which implies... Consent. That's exactly it. So you're leaving out where they gave me consent to make it seem like they didn't give me consent. Also, you're just being funny. You're just really just grabbing people. It's a funny thing to say. Who does that? It's a ridiculous thing to say. It's a hard thing to grab. It's like negative space.
It's negative space. You really got to get two fingers in like a bowler. Remember the first time you tried to grab it? You could grab it. When you were a young man, you go. Tell that to girls at bars. Where my dick was. Tell that to girls at bars. Way lower. Way lower. Try to fuck a belly button.
They've never seen their own vagina. But tell it to guys at bars. Girls at bars get grabbed all the time. There's a lot of scumbags. Pussy, though. Yes, 100%. I've talked to girls who've had their pussy grabbed by some douchebag who's drunk at a bar. Oh, wow. Pussy. Grab it. Grab a hold of it. Shit face at Hooters, you go, all right.
Pay-per-view's over. Come here. Oh, I'm getting kicked out. And I'm getting kicked out. The point is... Oh, because I like the Raiders? See, watch this. This is... Look at him. He's cool and calm and collected. This is from 1988. Yeah, that's it. Play it.
They come over here, they sell their cars, their VCRs, they knock the hell out of our companies. And, hey, I have tremendous respect for the Japanese people. I mean, you can respect somebody that's beating the hell out of you, but they are beating the hell out of this country.
Kuwait, they live like kings. The poorest person in Kuwait, they live like kings. And yet they're not paying. We make it possible for them to sell their oil. Why aren't they paying us $25? This is before we invade it. This sounds like... political presidential talk to me and i know people have talked to you about whether or not you want to run would you would you ever probably not but i i do get tired of seeing the country why would you not i just don't think
I really have the inclination to do it. I love what I'm doing. I really like it. Also, it doesn't pay as well. No, it doesn't. But, you know, I just probably wouldn't do it, Oprah. Probably. But I do get tired of seeing what's happening with this country. And if it got so bad...
I would never want to rule it out totally because I really am tired of seeing what's happening with this country, how we're really making other people live like kings and we're not. What do you think of this year's presidential race? Good enough. Who is 88? Good enough. Dukakis Bush Bush Dukakis. Yeah, so This is what you're what you're seeing with Trump regardless of his flaws. What you're seeing with Trump regardless of fault is a massive concentrated psyop
They've distorted who he is to the point where most people think that way. Most people think that way. They've had narratives. What is a PSYOP? I keep hearing that. Psychological operation where they've decided to distort. people's perceptions of things yeah when you tell like a like an older liberal that like the the obama deportations were higher than the trumpet deportations they go
What? No. And you go, no, let me just Google deportations of Obama versus Trump. And you go, it's lower. They go, wait, what? Here's 19 straight articles saying that I'm right. And they go, that doesn't make sense. And you go, right. focus on what's giving you the reality of the world. Hold on. Check this out. Jamie, go to that Hillary Clinton thing that I texted you today. Jamo. This one.
is wild this is hillary clinton in like 2008 and hillary clinton saying some wild maga type shit about oh she used to say the wildest shit wildest shit about illegal immigrants Go back from the beginning. Do it from the beginning. That's the beginning. It's okay. Do it from the beginning. I think we've got to have tough conditions. Tell people to come out of the shadows. If they've committed a crime, deport them. No questions asked. They're gone.
If they've been working and are law-abiding, we should say, here are the conditions for you staying. You have to pay a stiff fine because you came here illegally. You have to pay back taxes. And you have to try to learn English. You have to wait in line. You have to wait in line. And everybody's cheering. 2008. Hillary Clinton was more MAGA than Trump. She's always been a Republican. But how about that? She's more MAGA than Trump. It's all a fucking illusion. It's all a fucking illusion.
All of them, when convenient, have said the exact same things. Dragons are real. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy they give you a false sense of reality. You just got to shut them both off. Because they had control of the media up until now.
This election was the first time they didn't really have control of the media anymore. Because what? Because of us. Non-mainstream media? Because of podcasts. Podcasts. Selling tickets. Because of social media because of X. You're humanizing Trump. Like, well, he's a human. Yeah. So why can't I invite the other lady on? They've been caught up in all this shit that they've shoved down everybody's throat, especially all the Russia shit. Do you think the campaign people for Kamala Harris...
Was going, we should have let her go on Rogan. Definitely. Or they go, that was a no win. Some people maybe. It would have been a win. I would have been nice to her. You would have been nice. I told her I would talk about anything. They didn't want to talk about marijuana legalization, and they didn't want to talk about internet censorship. She just smoked. But then they changed their mind about the internet censorship. And then they contacted and said they want to.
talk about internet censorship we we had like no bullshit at least i didn't have any of them but there was at least three calls there was like multiple emails back and forth and there was dates proposed this idea that they passed on it because the progressive people look I'm sure the progressive people didn't want her to do it I'm sure there's people that didn't want her to do it but they were trying to schedule it
This is not a thing that was like they had resistance to it. They contacted me. They contacted me when they found out when Trump's camp leaked that he was coming on. They contacted me and they wanted to come on. They had contacted me before and were inquiring about coming on. Once Trump said he was coming on, then they wanted to come on. But they wanted me to do an hour and they wanted me to travel to them. Well, that's crazy. But like...
Elon said it best. He said those last two hours where you really find out what's going on. You can bullshit people for 40 minutes. Get them comfortable. If I'm talking to you for three hours, we're going to talk about some real shit. That's when that funnel comes out. Let's protect our books. parks. I hate people from North Dakota. It's obvious. I don't know anybody. The caller daddy, they had to build the set. They had to replicate it. It cost like a couple hundred grand.
They said six figures. And it's Kanye shit. Still didn't hit a million views. You know what does hit a million views? Neil Diamond's coming to America. I'm good for now. You're not, though. We just did one. You're up. No, we just did them. No, Mark and I just did them.
That's wrong. I got whiskey. That's 100% true. That's a side up. That's a side up. It's true. It's true. We just did them. Didn't we just do them? We just did them. No, no, no, no, no. That's a side up. We went first on everyone. We did them last. Jamie, is that correct? Jamie, that's a sign up. It's not. I don't think you did them before us. What song did you guys just play? We played Hulk Hogan. Yes. That's when he told me he had bad breath.
Here's the craziest thing about Trump. The people that love him, there's a spectrum of the people that love him where you're terrified you're going to run into them people. You're terrified you're going to get cornered by those people. I was in Aspen and this fucking lady came up to me and it was like her and her daughter. The lady was like 59-ish, 65-ish, you know, that kind of age. And she comes up to me.
She goes, you know Trump's the real president of the United States. And I go, but he's not. I go, Joe Biden's the president. They already called the election. She goes, oh, you're one of them. I go, he won the election. I don't know if the election was good. Maybe it wasn't good, but he's not the president. If you look online, if you Google it, I go, it says President Biden.
Yeah, he is our president. There's those people that if you get caught with them, they're all in. They're 9-11 truthers. They're all in. You did push back harder. I'm like, why was it rigged? I like that. It does feel like he is running shit. Tell me why it's rigged. What do you mean? I would hope that he would have had a good answer. I would have hoped he'd have data that he could spit out.
If you told me, if I really ran for president, I knew they rigged it, and they gave me evidence enough that I would say publicly they rigged it, I'd be able to spit that out. Yeah. Instead of just saying it. We should be part of the cabinet. We're protecting parks. We should be the official podcast. Yeah. Official podcast. I will tell you, that video, we haven't watched it yet, that video of him saying we're done with internet censorship was like, this actually affects me, me, and I like it.
What are you saying? Huge. I liked it. It got me fired up. These fucking companies are scary because they dictate the narrative of the whole world. It's not just as simple as, oh, you're removing hate speech. No, you're changing the way people talk about things. And you're dorks. You're not people that I want changing these things. When I was in college, they were talking about verbal consent. That was a big thing. And every cool person was like, those are virgins telling us how to do sex.
It's like the gaze on America's Got Talent telling us who's hot. Yeah. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Which ones are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know what that means. Who's talking about? Lionel Richie? Who the fuck are you talking about? Well, you know, the America's top model. Howard Stern? That's what I meant. She's sexy. And I'm like, no, no.
No, you're not, you're gay. When he said without free speech, we're fucked. Without free speech, we're fucked. Yeah. Without free speech, we're fucked. Why don't we play that? You get no, yeah, let's play that. You get no Protect Our Parks without free speech. Yeah. Imagine if Comedy Central gave us notes on Protect Our Parks.
It'd be like 11 minutes. Do you remember when you hosted a stand-up show right after the Iraq invasion? Yeah. And what did they tell you? I don't remember. They said, no talking about Bush, no talking about the war. Where was that? On NBC late Friday. Oh, yeah. Right? Am I wrong or no? No, I think you're right. Yeah. I think that was a narrative for every comic that went up there. Just can't talk about this. Yeah, can't talk about Bush, can't talk about the war. And you're like...
No, don't say anything. Remember Mitzi wouldn't let Holtzman go on stage for two weeks after 9-11? Duncan had to call him. That makes sense. But it's fucking amazing. No, but actually it tracks. Because she was like, tell Holtzman, like, hey, we love you, but you can't go on. Happened on Tuesday. Closed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Opened on Friday, Saturday. Holtzman, you can't get spots. Sunday was open mic night. You can go up. Me and Stan Hope were watching Holtzman go up.
And he was talking about how he would have jumped out and tried to hit a cop. And Stan was like, I disagree with 90% of this, but he's saying it so well. And it had to be an open mic night to get him on. Duncan called him. He goes, Did you know anybody in 9-11? He goes, I know they're Americans. I don't know what else you got to know. He's got a home here now. He's headlining here now. He's excelling. Instead of him being, damn, if he was in LA, he'd be...
Crucified. Crucified. But they weren't giving him good spots at the store. He was getting these spots at 2 o'clock in the morning. There was no one left. He was getting these spots where we would be in the back laughing. But it's like...
you know, 10 people in the crowd. It's bullshit. Throwing up laughing. Like so hard that you're like, I'm almost barfing. Oh, Holtzman is such an animal. Bro, you can't believe it. He's so crazy. But now he's doing it to packed crowds and they're coming from all over the world to come see Holtzman. And they know him. No way. Yeah.
Yes, man. Holtzman's show. His show's Cell. Oh, good. He's doing sets all the time at the Mothership. He's here all the time. I just saw him the other day. He was murdering. He's probably nuts. He's out of his fucking mind. He's out of his fucking mind. It was great.
killed Tony Gordon, he got up there and he was like, fuck Billy Joel. Fuck Billy Joel. You know how many people here at MSG has committed suicide because they got her working on a Billy Joel show? I heard he did like a half hour or something. You guys got a batter up. You guys got a batter up next to them. fucking Rangers second or third time ever he's performed in an arena he did one of those kill Tony's in an arena that didn't go that good
I was there for that one, too. That was not that good, but the Madison Square Garden one he fucking killed. The world. Bro, that was so- Madison Square Garden was so fun. It was not just fun, it was like- It was like a moment in comedy history where you felt like this is going to be something that people talk about in the future. You know, like this broke through. This show that I watched in the belly room that had like 10 people in the audience.
I was in one of the third or fourth episodes ever, and now you have it here in Madison Square Garden. It's sold out in 40 minutes. Aaron Rodgers throwing up footballs to the crowd. The Black Keys are opening. Jelly Rolls. Jelly Roll performs. Dice Clay performs.
Dice Clay at MSG. It was amazing. Yeah, that was wild. Joey Diaz, when I brought Joey Diaz out. It was insane. Listen, I've never, I will not endorse a candidate. I've never endorsed a candidate, but I will endorse one today. No one knows who's coming out. My endorsement for President of the United States. One of the greatest humans that's ever lived. Joey Diaz. And they're like, don't fucking win! Don't fucking win!
And when he was walking out there, everybody knows him. He's like a legend now. He's like a fucking snuffleupagus. He's like a mysterious character. He actually did walk out like a snuffleupagus. Slow like that. He's like a mythical being.
out there people just had this giant smile on their face i was watching these people because i was beside him so i'm watching you know the audience as they're watching him oh my god it was amazing everyone is having i was sitting next to norton watching dice and It was like we were back in high school. This is his stage where we first saw him. All of it. All of it. I was with the Are You Garbage guy. We're just like...
Brent Azizi and Simone came up. It was just like so fun. It was a celebration of comedy. You know, Gomez was there. Big J was there. It was a real celebration of comedy. Gomez crushed. Big J crushed. DeRosa. Yeah, everybody. It was a celebration. of this kind of comedy, the kind that we like, the wild shit, where someone's saying something crazy, and you're like, ah! And Tony just set everybody up. I know you hate him, but he just set everybody up so well. Did you see Dice with Seinfeld?
Is this a recent one song or no Hold on. We got Dice video. Let's do it. The Dice is a real American. Hit him a song before we load that up. I'm coming to America, Neil Diamond. Give me Free Bird, Middle of the Ramp. Freebird middle middle of the Rambo's got a lot of ones and twos going on here middle of the guitar solo
Yeah, J-Mo, you're up. J-Mo, we got an extra beer. Get that mustache wet. J-Mo will get in there. J-Mo's been a real wet rag today. We're at three and a half hours in. Here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Oakland Coliseum! Hey, 2 million views. That's the most American riff of all time. Oh, how is Josh Brolin? Cool guy. What's that? How is Josh Brolin? Oh, he's awesome. Look at this. Wow. Look at Bert. That's wearing like a cult outfit.
Magic times. Just chill, shredding. Magic times. Just chilling and shredding. Let's get JMO on. All right, let's get that to JMO. And let's see that Seinfeld. Let's find Seinfeld. Getting chased down by Dice. He interrupted me on stage like three days ago. Yeah, I saw that. I'm on stage. He just comes up with his camera out. Yeah. Fuck. You handled it well. Thanks. He's amazing. He's coming here soon.
national treasure i think he's back here in december headline yeah yeah on the website says coming soon yeah alerting people i think it's on his instagram jmo he's walking through central park it's all it's there how good is this guitar solo Never gets old. Never. I mean, it's one of the greatest of all time. If I ever want to feel good and I'm driving down the street, I'll crank that. There it is. Right there. That's it. That's it. Let's hear it. Kill the music.
Big shot comedian. Tense up. Big shot. Big shot over here. Jerry. He's wearing merch for his movie. They're walking away like, who's this fucking psycho? He's tensed up. I've been there. Big shot comedian. The guy's like, let's get out of here. Let's get it. Just keep walking. Let's keep some lunatic. He's got a fucking Sasquatch gait. He's wearing a free jacket. Man. Somebody gave it to him. No, Unfrosted. Swag. Swag. That's his normal. He really is Jewish as fuck. All out.
I did some fundraiser. Get excited, J-Mo. You're such a little sad guy. Hey, fuck you, Indiana Hoosiers. Nice ponytail, bitch. Suck Ohio State's dick. Yeah, Jamie doesn't fuck around every time. That was so quick. Holy shit. That's a new record. That's the throat code. That's pretty damn good. Wow. Jamie rules. RFK's out. New throat goat. RFK's a throat goat? Yeah, me for a second. Easy. That's offensive. What's Tulsi going to do for the new thing?
She's something about national intelligence, right? What is she? She should be Secretary of State. Hawaiian. She has some serious top-level clearance. I want to find out about UFOs. Yeah, that's you. Tulsi's my friend. J-Mo set the record, but at what cost? He's shitting blood already. He's running. He ran. I was crazy.
right out. That wasn't a pee run. That was a fucking Jimmy John sub coming up. Full of miscarriage. That was one bomb. Poop was brought to you by Jimmy John. That's an Italian sub. ready to make birth. Three smells. Boom, ba-boom. Oh, I did some benefit. I got to wear the suit. Thanks again for those suits. That's two rules. David what? David August. That's two rules. We hung out, got martinis on. all night one night. I wore it for Kill Tony.
That suit rules. Those things are perfectly fit. When you get a suit that's designed actually for your actual body. Never had. I've been a men's warehouse cunt for my whole life. I told that guy, I was like, hey, I just like a weird cut, but also stylish. And then it's like.
I'm like, you know what? You're an artist. I think you get it. Go. He got you a dope one. He got it. That was a beauty. Yeah, he did good, but he fucked with me. Why? How so? The guy that was taking pictures when we were here last. David August? And he... He was like, well, your left shoulder slouches more than your right. You lean left. I've thought about it every single day. That's a Brian Regan bit.
Really? Yeah, he goes, I went to get my eyes tested. The doctor was like, hey, just your eyes are slightly off-centered. Nothing to worry about. I just wanted to focus on it for the rest of your life. I've thought about it. It rings true. I've thought about it nonstop every second. That's Lucas.
He's good, man. He knows how to measure you. Oh, yeah. You get a suit, and it feels like it's designed for your body. It's so much better. It's draped on. It's skin. It's got your name in the pocket. The name. He puts a tie with it. I know. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Very nice. Joe, that was fucking cool as shit. That was really, really nice. Thank you very much. Joe's like, hey, come an hour early. Like, why? Like, get a suit. What? Okay. And then he goes, what do you want, four or my throat?
Let's get some fucking suits. Let's get some suits, son. Everything's nice. The hotel, the car, it's all very nice. You're a mensch. Well, I like to treat people the way I like to be treated. Ah. Golden rule. Joe fought for a gush for a second.
For equal pay for comedians in Los Angeles. When all those book shows were like, oh, we'll give you your 50 bucks. And Joe's like, no, you're fucking making money off us now. Oh, the mothership pays like crazy. And you don't need the $600. It's not that. It's a... Who was the guy who went in front of Congress and spoke about from Colorado, Rocky Mountain High? Oh, David Lucas. No. Singing about rap. John Denver? John Denver. That's you fighting for $600. It's like, I don't need this.
It's bullshit. You're not giving everybody their equal pay. No, it was David Lucas. It was David Lucas. Well, the store was like a great place for us to work out shit. But it was also like, wait a minute. Why is the guy who's running the show? making $6,000 and no one's making anything other than a couple of people. This is crazy. This whole thing is nuts. But it's like, you know...
If you let people do that, they're going to do it. They're going to rip people off. You let them rip people off, they're going to rip people off. You got that right. Jesus Christ. It's just one of those things if they don't get checked. I mean, that's what happened if unions didn't exist. Yeah.
I mean, if unions didn't exist, imagine if you just pay people whatever you want to pay them, and then all these illegals are spilling in. Child labor, fine. Yeah, fine. No child laws. No child labor laws. We'd be fucked. Are you saying comedians need a union?
Nah, that'll never work. Because there's too many cunts. They'll turn against each other in no time. It'd be like the Italians having a union. You know what you really need is clubs run by commas. If all clubs were run by commas. Are there any? That's a horrible idea. Well, I think there's a couple other ones.
Key West, that guy is a comic that runs it. Tom Dustin. That's a great club. That's your list. Documentary is killer. The funniest documentary I've ever seen in my life. We saw it in the theater. Yeah, we saw it in Angelica. Because it's about a comedian. Portrait of a comedian. Where can you get it?
He just got a deal to be in theater. They're in theater, so it's going to come out eventually. But it was just a comic being a comic, and that's the documentary. He's not playing it up. I think best case scenario is every comic who gets a pile of money, you should invest in a club.
That's the best. I think it should be at this. Chappelle did it. He did it. But you were on acid that one time. When you were talking to me, you were like, don't ever open a room. It sucks. No, I didn't. He's just casual complaining. That's a lie. You like this. I'm like, it's a lot of work. It's work, but it's worth it. It really is worth it.
You're misquoting me. I definitely never said never open up a room. I said it's a lot of work and you have to have a lot of money. You have to be willing to not make money. Most things that people do where they invest a lot of money, they want to make money. was like if anybody has the ability to do it the right way it's me like I have to do it like I have to what I would if I was a kid and I was looking at like
comics that had a lot of money. If I had that guy's money, you know what I would do? We all dreamed about that. Right. I'm like, well, I'll just do it. Yeah. And it's a hit. And then you can just go, you have a billion dollars. You're like, why do I fly to make money? Why do I fly to make a hundred grand?
Go here. That means nothing to you. It's also so much easier on your life. You don't have to fly all the time. Flying all the time sucks. You're always tired. You get worn out all the time. Flying just fucking kills your immune system. You're always exhausted.
Agreed. Yeah, jet lag is the... I gotta go a day early now so I don't get sick. Yeah, and you have to drink a lot of water and hit the gym and your body has to reset. You're like, what the fuck? Oh, shit. What were you saying? Oh, I was gonna say, I was at... I went out to Ohio for Chappelle's birthday this year and did his show and all that. And then after we did the outside show, we went to his club.
And he was hammered. It was his birthday. Get out of here. It was his birthday and he was just up on stage holding everyone hostage hammered. But he said the funniest shit. He was just up there and he's like, I worked my whole life to build this club. bomb in front of you motherfuckers. It was so good. There was just all these people standing there like...
But he knew it wasn't going well. He just kept going. It was so funny. He'll keep going to try to find the nuggets. Yeah, and he will. He's a miner. That's the craziest thing. He's a miner. Even blacked out, he'll find it. Yeah. And then once he finds it, that piece they'll save, they'll edit it, they'll put it aside, and then he'll go, okay, now I got a chunk. I like also when it doesn't go well, he's like, give me that, that's fucked.
Give me that tape. I can't do that again. He still feels it. He's a minor. That's why Jeff Ross likes him. Well, you... Not that. Keep it, J-Mo. J-Mo. And we're back. We love Jeff Ross. Funny guy. You've got to be able to make the... You know who used to do that a lot? Damon Wayans. Remember those days? So funny. He would do... 15 of intentionally bad. Yeah. Really? So you've lost trust in me, and now I'm going to try my jokes. Yeah. He calls it a jazz set. Yeah.
He would fuck around. Damon has recorded like every show he's ever done since the 90s. Damn, that's old psycho. To this day, he sets up. I saw him in the improv a few years back before COVID, and he set up a camera in the back room. I go, you do this every set? He goes, every set. And I walk.
I watch him on my computer. He records all of them. He has them all archived, and he riffs. That's how he comes up with shit. He just gets up in there and starts talking about something, anything that's in the news. He starts riffing on it, and then he'll find something.
Yeah. And that's how he writes. I feel that's too self-indulgent. I feel too guilty. It depends what level it is. I mean, he's famous. You can't do it in the garden, but you could do it at New York Comedy Club. Yeah, you could. Just fuck around for a while. You gotta be willing to bomb. Yeah, you gotta be willing to bomb. Which is the hardest. But that's his...
creative process. You know, Chris Rock used to do the same thing. He used to go on and just ramble about stuff. And you'd tell the audience, relax, relax, this ain't gonna be funny. Lower your expectations. Yeah, to do it on purpose. But eventually it would be an HBO special or a Netflix special, and it would kill. But it's a process. Well, I've got to say, I've been watching Louis over the past couple months. He's back doing shit, and he was struggling.
To put it lightly, and then I saw him two nights ago, and all that same shit is killing. Yeah. Because he's willing to do it. It's crazy. Same material. Just tweet slightly. Yeah, just tweet. I saw Martin at the store come back after five years off. Martin. And then he was like, not good.
Six months later, same material, crushing. Same material, not just like, I'm abandoning this, just figuring it out. They said that about prior, the week he did live at the Sunset Strip, that he was doing the same material at the store and bombing. And then bombing on Monday.
Tuesday was better. Wednesday was better. Thursday was killing. Friday was killing. Saturday he's filming. I thought he bombed. Wasn't the story he bombed the first taping tape? The long beach, yeah. The long beach when he bombed. And then the second.
Second show he murdered. Best set ever. Dude, Adrian, one of her sets, we decided to do a sabotage set. As much as I hate Tony, you love Adrian. I do love Adrian. Louis said we should do a sabotage set. We should just not announce her, just let's see what the crowd is. They hate her.
her so much she was upstairs getting changed I was outside there was these British like Indian people they go she deserves to get cancelled it was just start to finish suck she went through it like a warrior she doesn't give a fuck
She was like, I don't know. She talked about it on the podcast. That's it? Yeah. The next night it was amazing. It was. She was like so worried. I would have been outside talking to the British Indian ladies like, I'm so sorry. She's up there just going, I don't give a fuck.
I heard them talking. I was like, Adrian, hang out upstairs for a second. They're going to attack you. You know what it's like? It's like a fighter who can take punches. Because a good fighter can take a lot of punches and still win. Right. A bad fighter is like, I'm getting punched. I'm out of here. Right, right, right, right. Real similar.
It was a fun fucking time for comedy. It is a great time for comedy. Bad time for boxing. I always quote you, Ari, because you said comedy's dangerous. It is. Tony proves that. Oliver proves it. It's dangerous. Tony proves it. It's dangerous. You do a joke. You're like, what are you mad at?
to entertain everybody. This disingenuous thing of like, well, they're trying to make people mad. No one's trying to make anyone mad. We're trying to entertain, but it gets people mad. Yeah, we don't want to offend anybody. We want to get laughs. Yeah. It's just...
People love to distort things in this weird time where everything's politicized. I know. Even comedy's politicized. It should be like, oh, is he a comedian? Okay. Whatever. I don't like that joke. It's great. I mean, I remember doing a show with Shane shortly after the hubbub. That was really fun. Dude, I have like seven or eight all-time sets. Yeah, that was great. You got to come up. My agent said I can't. Shane!
Come up. I've never said my agent said I can't. Somebody told you you weren't allowed. Becky, where are you hearing this from? There's no way I would have ever said I'm not allowed. You said they told me I shouldn't. I'm like, just get them up here. I drove to the club. Yeah, you did. What are you talking about, Art? But we came up, and we had fun, we talked about it, and then we had an Asian guy rank the Asians, and we were saying, like...
The blogger in the room, which there was one, would have said someone in the audience, an Asian guy, but they would have said someone in the audience ranked the Asian people. They didn't say he was Asian? They didn't because we said it. We cut their legs out.
But it's just like it's a bit dangerous and it makes it more fun. Yeah. You know, the funny thing was during the campaign when Obama was on. It was so surreal to watch. Obama was doing one of those campaign speeches and he said, there was a guy. At the Trump rally? Who said Puerto Ricans are an island filled with garbage. Time out. Decent impression. Those are human beings.
Those are human beings. I'm like, what? A speaker? He's joking. It was a speaker? It wasn't a comedian? It wasn't a guy telling jokes? I mean, John Leguizamo went off. He did a whole face to camera. He's just trying to get a lot of attention. There was a visual artist who did a thing about... Who was that guy who got hung? He always gets my respect.
John Wick was great. He was always in John Wick. He gets a pass. He gets a pass. These people that are in certain communities, they feel like they need to stand up and say something. They don't. They feel pressure. Everyone's scared, man. There's a bunch of fucking cowards out there. There's so many people that are scared and their takes on things are so gross, but it's quick It's not just thought out you're full just fearful, you know weird
It's weird. That group thing really kicks up, and you're like, I gotta say something. I gotta be a part of it. It's like, no, you don't. You see Bill Maher putting a smackdown on Neil deGrasse Tyson the other day? What did he say? Oh, my goodness. Take that, nerd. It was wonderful.
Because it was making fun of Neil deGrasse Tyson's perspective on women competing with biological males in sports. Like, all this woke shit you're doing. Like, you're not a scientist. Like, this is not science that you're doing here. Yeah. This is ridiculous. been going at it. Dave Smith and Sam Harris are going at it. Are they really? Online right now? Today? Well, Sam Harris did a podcast.
shitting on dave dave did a rebuttal then sam did a rebuttal i mean it's like crazy yeah so many people got captured during that time of chaos and anxiety so many people got so captured we lost that's my joke we lost a lot of people during COVID and most of them are still alive. That's so funny. I quote that so many times. I quote that so many times. It's one of those lines that are funny, but the point is real.
There's a lot of people I really can't talk to anymore. I just can't. People don't realize we're just a blip. It's all going to go away. It's all going to go away. We're all in blue marble and we're so...
burning calories on this bullshit that goes away. Cowards are exposed. And people that act in cowardice, and they're not... compassionate they're not you're not looking at things in a balanced objective perspective you know Joey Diaz says one of my many hubbubs somebody was like but Ari shouldn't have said this thing not even the one you're thinking of
And then he goes, yeah, but he's our friend. End of story. End of story. That's our friend. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, also, it's comedy. Comedy is messy, man. And anybody who doesn't think it's messy sucks at it. That's a fact. If you think that all jokes hit, you're doing whack jokes. There's no chance. If you're not offending anybody, well, you're not trying. You got to get to the line. Yeah.
You offend 2% of people. Perfect. 98% are inside. You're right on the line. Perfect. And also, this is your lot in life? You're the guy yelling at Elvis, hey, this is inappropriate. You're shaking your hips. This is the person you want to be at the end of the day?
Like we're all just joking around. Everyone's laughing. Some people are not laughing and you're mad. It's so much just ego. It's so much ego. It's so much people don't like other people getting attention. It's so much like people want other people to like support whatever narrative they support. Such a fucking but it's a time of exposure and cool people rise. Yeah
That's the thing. It's a great time for us. It's a great time. It's a challenging time. All challenging times are great times. As long as World War III doesn't pop off and it doesn't become the end. It's like we're basically at the Cuban Missile Crisis, but accelerated.
With Twitter. With Twitter. And with Elon Musk. You guys going to bong one or be cowards? And Blue Sky. What are you talking about, bitch? Are you guys going to be Blue Ski or no? I just took my fucking Lucy out. Is that what it is? No, it's Blue Sky. I'm so fucking dumb and old. I love Blue Sky. I thought it was Blue Sky. If you go on there and you say there's only two genders, they ban you immediately.
I don't want to puke at the mothership again. Yes, you do. I don't think we're going to the mothership. Oh, we're not? We are. I thought we were doing sets. We are. Are we? You haven't been on stage since 88. Mark and I are. What are you playing there? Mark. Wait, are we going to the mothership or not? We are. 100% we are. We can do whatever we want. We're Americans. I think... I'll do it for you if you don't want to do it, but you should do it. No, no. Get Mark.
I ate a big meal before I came here. I didn't. I had a string cheese and a bag of almonds. Damn, that was quick. That was good. I ate two pounds of elk. Two pounds. I did. Two 16-ounce elk steaks. Really? No veggie? I don't eat veggies anymore. Get easy, George Quaterson. If I want a salad, I'll eat it. I'm not opposed to salads. If I feel like eating a salad, I eat it.
I don't think I need it for nutrition. I think it's nonsense. Good fiber for shitting. I don't think you need it. I love when people go, I don't trust Joe Rogan in anything. I'm like, literally, he's my number one doctor source. It has been for 20 years. I'm 100 years old. Strong as fuck. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. Trust me, daddy. Let's go. Let's go. Remember. Does another man need him? Simple man don't need him around anyhow. Doesn't need him.
I have a special affection to this song after Neil Young went after me. I was so baller where you're like, glad to see you have morals, Neil. Yeah, when he went back on Spotify. Oh, because the money's there? Oh, because the money's there, you'll do it? Also, I told him, and it's true, I was a giant Neil Young fan, and I literally, the last day I worked at Great Woods Performing Arts Center,
I was at a Neil Young concert and a riot broke out and I fucking threw a hoodie on over my security outfit. I'm like, I'm out of here. I never got my last paycheck. A fight broke out at a Neil Young concert. You're like, fuck this. Oh, it was crazy. My friend Larry punched some dude in the chest. And Larry was like, Larry Jones, shout out to Larry Jones. One of the nicest guys ever. And this guy was fucking with him and he just dropped this guy.
And I was like, oh my god, we're fighting. I'm out of here. And they left and there was bonfires going on on the lawn. It was chaos. They shut the show down. Whoa. This is a fucking Neil Young show. What was he doing? 1989. This is 1989. Wow. When white people decide to go nuts, they go nuts. Well, you know what it was? It was cold. It was cold at night. And it was the lawn. There was a whole lawn area. And the lawn area was like an amphitheater. And then there was cover.
and then above the outside, the covered area, was the lawn area. And the lawn area, a bunch of dudes started lighting, like, cardboard boxes on fire. It got crazy. They had bonfires going on, and they got real rowdy. And then people were, like, starting shit with the...
security guys, and then when my friend Larry dropped this guy, fights broke out. I'm like, see ya. I'm like, I'm leaving. As long as my friends weren't actively in fights, I'm like, let's get out of here, and everybody got out of there. I was like, I quit. I'm out of here. I just was ready to quit.
There's too many times it was like almost fight some guy tried to run over me with his car Yeah, what happened? I was telling the guy that he has stopped because we were like moving traffic around the guy like got right up to my leg with his car and rev the end
And then I got up to his door and I go, hey man, fuck you. And he tried to open up his door and I need the shit out of his door and put a giant dent in his door. So he couldn't open it. And we were like ready to fight. I was like, dude, I'll fucking kill you. And he was like ready to get.
out of the car and I like need his car door and then a bunch of other security guys came up and he pulled I'm like what am I doing I get like twenty to five dollars an hour or something like that right I'm gonna get in fights the first day on the job they beat the fuck out of a guy who stole a golf cart
There was a dude named Alley Cat. He was the head guy that ran security. He was like this grizzled old security dude. He'd probably been doing it forever. And they found this kid who was drunk, who stole one of our golf carts, a security cart, and he was driving around. him and they were beating him with a walkie-talkie like beating him bloody his face was bleeding and this is like my first day on the job I was like oh my god like we're doing this was like this is crazy but didn't you you were
jujitsu guy. Well, I was a Taekwondo guy back then. Yeah, but you don't want to get dirty. No, I never got in fights. I was the first guy to like, bye! I was like, I'm not interested in any fights. You didn't want to apply your knowledge? No, I applied it in the ring. It doesn't go on his record if he fights
It's a rando. Well, it wasn't even that. It was just like I knew how dangerous it was. Once you've actually knocked people unconscious, it's scary. The whole thing's scary, like fighting people in a giant group. Like, fuck this. I don't want to have nothing to do.
with that but like back then the the security team was all black belts this guy one of the guys that we worked out with he got a job there and then he came to us and said hey you guys want a job it's like 25 bucks an hour you get to see concerts like fuck yeah I'm making $25 up. I don't know what it was. And so there was like 16 of us. All these assassins that worked at this security place. But it was too crazy. You get to see how drunk people... And then it was also when I...
understand cops in a very minor way because it became us against them. It was us, the security guards against the people who were the the drunks that were, and that was like a mentality. There was like this, but it was also like a thought.
Like, we are the good guys, they're the cunts, and it's okay to beat the fuck out of them with walkie-talkies. And this is no internet, man. We're talking about 1989. This guy beat the fuck out of this guy with a walkie-talkie in the face. Just beige, beige, beige.
Jesus. Blood was splattering. He was getting fucked up. They rolled him over and tied him up. It was crazy. Yikes. It was crazy. And the tackle. I remember this guy getting tackled off of the fucking golf cart. The whole thing was nuts. I was like, oh, Jesus. This is, like, not working. whenever I'm getting paid.
And fighting is like, you know, I've been beat up a few times in my day. But one time I jump kicked a guy in the stomach and he lost his, he was like, and I felt horrible. I was like, ah, geez, I don't want to be this guy.
Yeah, even in fights, you feel horrible. Yeah. Like... pummeled but it's like in the street it's so or in the world it's so dangerous outside of a competition because no one's gonna stop that guy from stomping your fucking head when you're unconscious there's no rules there's no rules no one's gonna stop some guy from biting your nose off
You don't know who you're fighting with. It's a crazy person. Yeah. Gouging your eyes out. It's fucking dangerous. Like anybody who just wantonly engages in random violence with strangers. You're just asking to get maimed. Yeah.
Especially if you fuck up and run into some guy who actually knows how to fight. And I'm sure you've all seen those videos online. They're horrific. Horrific. Some guy who doesn't know what he's doing, and he just gets... destroyed for the rest of his life his life is gonna be fucked his legs he's gonna be limping forever because some guy decided to snap his fucking femur in half
Yeah, scary shit, man. I went to LSU. There was this place called Tigerland. It was where all the bars were. And these guys would fight, these big white guys in polo shirts. And they would be on the cement, like, kicking each other in the face. It was brutal. Go to a gym, boys. With boat shoes on. Jesus Christ. Whale on a guy. Go to a gym, boys.
This is so dangerous. Kevin James was working as a bouncer at a bar, and the guy he was working with killed somebody and went to jail. Jesus. He knocked the guy out. He got in a fight with some drunk guy, knocked him out. The guy fell down, hit his head, died. Oof. Which happens all the time. Don't fight back. When you KO a guy and they fall, they get hit with the earth. Bang! That's your fucking head. Your whole body. All your fucking land. All that torque. Bang!
On your head. So we got Saget. Yeah, true. Blacked out and hit his head. that's right yeah i mean it's a horrible way to go man hitting your head on that one what was that girl's name which was joking around heather mcdonald when she was joking around about the vaccine then blacked out on stage and bangs her head it was so it was so great because that was Solid joke.
It was the universe telling a joke. I don't give a fuck. I was like, that is a good joke. I would never fall down right now. It was the universe. The universe was telling us everything was fucked up. What she was saying was fucked up. it was almost like god was like you're not getting away with this yeah we're gonna we're gonna make a video bang
Yeah, that was the pandemic time. It was like the Will Smith slap, that whole thing, Bob Saget. Those were wacky couple years. Will Smith slap was wild. It was all so crazy, like everybody lost their fucking minds. But we got Chris Rock back. yeah we got chris rock back from that yeah right chris rock became chris rock again he went hard again he was doing like oscar friendly stuff
You know, he was trying to, like, be in with these. He wanted to be Kevin Hart, wanted to be a movie star, wanted to do all those things he was doing. Yeah, Chris Hart between two Oscars-ish or whatever, Golden Globes, was, like, hard when he took some abuse for it. And then, like, all right, let me just go light. And now back to real Chris Rock. Yeah, you don't want that dude mad at you. And then a whole year to stew and write a bit about you. A live special, too.
That was a big one. Oh, yeah. Chappelle, too. He got that whole thing. I think everybody should do a live one once. You should all do a live one. It's fun. It's weird. How'd you feel about it? Fun. Ready. I just prepared way more than I ever would have prepared. I mean, you're a club comic, so I was ideally suited for it. What do you mean? Club comics, they're used to dealing with all sorts of stuff. Theater comics, it's all set up well.
Right, right, right, right, right. For chaos. But there was very little chaos. There was only one guy yelled something out, but it was fun. I was ready. I just made sure I was ready. And also, it's nice because you don't have to edit. Oh, less work. Editing is a bitch. Editing can suck my dick. You've got to watch yourself. I watched myself from Friday night, too. That helped, because I hated it. Even though I killed. I filmed Friday night first, so I got to see that.
watched I was like it's awful I've seen it too many times it's like you don't you don't you lose everything what's funny what's not but I was but Friday night killed so I was like look we already got it in the can when Saturday rolls around I'm fine Get loose. Yeah, I was loose as fuck. I smoked a joint, had a drink. Let's go. I felt normal. I felt like a normal show. That is what comedy is, where it's like, hey, guys, I'm here. It was fun, and the audience was awesome, so it was easy.
It was fun. San Antonio is a great comedy town. Oh, they were so happy. It's a fun place. I'll be there in March. Texas is just fun, period. It's a wild place. Yeah, Texas rules. I always used to think that about Houston. I always used to love going to Arlington. Texas, Florida.
Colorado. Denver. Denver's awesome. It's just like smart and chill. Phoenix. Arizona's always fun. Gun people are cool. Philly's fun. There's some good ones. Yeah, there's places where people like to party. They're fun. They're fun people. Yeah. Comedy is better than it's ever been before man. I think about how many guys are killing it out there right now
I mean, there's more top-level comics than ever. More guys doing arenas than ever. Bargazzi, Segura, Bert, you guys, Shane. I mean, there's so many guys. Where the fucking 76ers play. Yeah. We went meet. you and O'Connor went into the back, and maybe Jay, I think, went into the back. Geroza didn't care about sports, but you could smell the hockey jerseys. Yeah, we haven't watched this yet. And it's like...
But even the theater, even the club comics are like more than ever. Yeah. The Jeff Ausmuses or above. Yeah. Right. Well, the internet. Yeah, there's a ton. You have the internet now. You can find someone to follow that. Exposure. Like, I was talking to Tyler Fisher about this the other day. Someone offered him a deal to do some kind of a special and something. And I was like, listen, man, just put it on YouTube. Yeah. You want to get people to see you.
They're paying you. You would pay 10 times more of that for the exposure to be on YouTube. It's 100 times more valuable. Just put it on the YouTube. YouTube can get a little queefy with the censor. YouTube's starting to get queefy. But people will share it. They'll share it. With specials? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They got Fahim. They got Joe List. Yeah, Joe List said cunt. They got Fahim. What did they do with Fahim?
Once they decide wrong, they go, stop sharing it. And then the growth just stops. Because computers are watching. It's like AI shit. I think it's also people flagging it. I think it's people flagging it. Who's flagging Fahim?
Assholes. Not with Joe List. Assholes. Dude, assholes. People don't like Louis C.K. They know Louis C.K.'s friends with Joe List. Dude, trust me. Assholes flag it. You say cunt, they're going to flag it. It's a word. Whatever you say. So it used to be you say a word, whatever, and they go, hey, that's...
It's a flag. And they go, hey, no, that's a stand-up. So it's okay. Come on. You guys are alone. Go suck each other's dicks in your fucking bathroom. All right. I'm listening. Put it down, baby. Before I go. Plugs. Oh, yeah. Mark, plug it. It's always shoot. Yeah, do it, boys. Check out Page the Stage on punchup.com. Mark Norman comedy. Mark Norman slash punchup or punchup slash Mark Norman. Page the Stage. Ari's on there, too. Larry David's on there. Joe List, Sam Murill, all the guys.
Michelle Wolf, all on punch-up. I said your name. Thank you. And yeah, check out Ari's. You got a new special coming out. You got Adrian's special. You got Jew shit. January 14th will be my new special, America's Sweetheart, on Netflix. Also, they are picking up Jew, the first YouTube to Netflix. special of all time. I didn't know that. We'll be in May-ish. Hell yeah. Not an official date yet. Also Pittsburgh with Adrian. Atlanta. Tahoe. Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton.
Portland, a bunch of San Antonio, San Jose, a bunch of other stuff. Ariusphere.com for tickets. All new hour. Then I'm done until 2017. Get some Bodega Cat. I am in New Orleans for Thanksgiving. Tickets are horrific. Please come to the Orpheum. Nice. We might be drunk. You be tripping. You be tripping in my new travel podcast. Norman's the only guest that's been on there twice? Yeah, it's an honor and a pleasure and a privilege. I got to go back when we might be drunk for the special.
Oh, yeah, come back. You just did the Adrian show. I did the Adrian one, but I should do one of my own. Every comment is her again. Oh, because it's nonstop all week. She's here. She's on Legion of Skank. She's on that. That was a good one, though. That was fun. That was fun.
We did Skanks, me and Adrian, and at some point we just sat back and watched Jay be funny. Jay is so fucking funny. We're just like, let's just enjoy this. He can really talk. God damn. He can run. He can roll. He's a natural. He's a natural, ladies and gentlemen. And you want to join in, but you're like, actually. Take the stage. Yeah, I'll ruin it. That's the thing, right? It's like finding a way. You've got to know when to step in and when to lay back.
It's pretty cool. We know some of the funniest people out there. And Louis will give you a joint. Like we talk about the hang. It's like, you know, it's the most important thing in life is the hang in the green room. Hell yeah. It's the most fun. It's what everyone wonders, what's the green room like? And you're like...
Yeah, exactly what you think. Yeah. It's a barrel of laughs. Yeah. I'll fucking kill you, bro. It's kind of like a podcast every night. And then we're all friends. But darker. It's a podcast every night. Yeah, but way more. You can go far. Way further. Go far. You just dosed me. Because you can keep up. I still won. And you dosed me. He dosed me. You son of a bitch. Keep Diddy. I put like 10% of mine into yours. I had 90%, you had 110%.
Should we get some food at some point? Or is that crazy? Maybe a little din din? I don't know. Every time we go out after this, I'm always, I don't love it. What should we do? We go out to dinner after this? I feel like a fucking alien. What do you mean alien? Blacked out. Hold on, hold on. I've got a suggestion. That's a good point. Every time we go out to eat, I go, what the fuck? Let's stop by the supermarket.
Get some steaks, go to Shane's house and grill them. That's a lot of work. That actually would be awesome. Yeah, let's live like regular people. Let's go to a fucking restaurant dressed up like the Jaguar people. I actually agree with that. Front row to Brooklyn audience. We're supposed to have program stuff for this. What happened to our costumes? I want to get a yellow nylon zoot suit. Yes. Are we doing Mar-a-Lago?
Yeah, we have to. We have to. We have to. We help Trump get elected. Yo, I got a special January 14th that we're doing. Let's do Blow It Don Jr. When do you finish shooting? Oh, well, maybe we do that at Mar-a-Lago. Ooh. What? No, we have to wait until he gets in. We have to wait until he gets in. Trump's obviously going to walk on, dude. There's a camera, bro. 100%. He's going to walk on. Let's do it and play the day after.
Or right then. We talked about it on the podcast, and Don Jr. reached out to me, said I could make that happen. I posted a support of Tony Hinchcliffe, and Don Jr. was like, I love it. Whoa! We can make it happen. Don Jr. Isn't it interesting that John Jones defends the heavyweight title. John Jones defends the heavyweight title and then does the Trump dance. And then gives his belt to Trump. The world's changed.
Like, everything's flipped. Completely. It's completely flipped. And what's lost is, Jon Jones is the greatest fighter of all time. He's a gladiator. Yeah, he's the best. I mean, the NFL guys are doing it. It's hard to say he's not the best, and I know he didn't beat Tom Aspinall. He hasn't fought Tom Aspinall yet. Tom's great. There's always one guy, but it's like he's beating that guy over and over and over again. Dropping somebody fucking off. He's never fought a guy like Tom.
Tom's different. Tom's gonna be a problem. He's a giant dude. He's a legitimate heavyweight. He might fight whoever he wants to fight. Jon Jones could do whatever the fuck he wants to do right now. If I...
imagined what's actually happening, though. I'd imagine he's saying he's not going to fight Tom Aspinall, although he's probably training for Tom Aspinall. He wants to ramp up the amount of money that he can get. Which is a smart thing to do, because it might be the last time he fights. Also, underrated.
about Jon Jones is he has, of all the UFC fighters I've ever met, the highest weed tolerance of anybody and no one's talking about it. And booze and coke. He does four times the weed Joe does, five times the weed I do. Really? And is like a champion on airplanes. Allegedly. Nate Diaz can get after it. Allegedly. Bring it. Nate versus John Weed? I bet John's still more coherent. Dana!
Bring it. Nate for Sean Weed. We all want to see it. Let's do that. Did you guys ever see, what was that jujitsu competition? What was it called? Where they would... High rollers. So they would get super baked and then they would have jujitsu competitions. They'd smoke together. By the way, that's Eddie's class. That's Eddie's class every day.
Yeah, it is. It is a little bit. That's Matt. My friend Matt put it together. And so he set this thing up. I think it was California where it was legal. So they all get super duper high and then they would fight. It was awesome. They should do that coke version. Did you guys see that study that they funded? I posted it on my Instagram where they gave was it gerbils or hamsters? They gave hamsters
cocaine and steroids and had them fight and like studied it. No. Who's doing that study? Our government. Our government. Fifth grader? Our government's a bunch of nerds. A bunch of nerds with an un... Limited budget. Hell yeah. Yeah, Northeastern University of Boston for decades. I think they spent $3 million on this, by the way. Supposedly serious scientists at Northeastern University. Look at my quote here. The government spent $3 million funding a study where they injected hamsters.
with steroids and cocaine and had them fight a completely ridiculous and unethical study, but I would like to see the data. I want to see the data. This is why the terrorists hate us. Bro, they hopped them up on cocaine and roids and they had them go to war.
Probably trying to figure out what's the best way to make a soldier. Oh, right. Yep. I would do that. Like, you know, I've had conversations with, like... Yeah, exactly. Well, also, I've had conversations with, like, Special Forces guys, and you're like...
You don't want to ask, is everybody doing steroids? But one of them said, whatever that soldier needs to do to make him the best soldier, I am all in on that. You know what fucked me up? One of the guys in the SEALs, I was asking him about that.
I was like, you guys should all do steroids. What the fuck? Who gives a fuck? And he was like, yeah, but then you're out, and you get stuck out there. And you run out. And you run out, and now you have a guy fucking falling apart. And I was like, oh, shit. I didn't even think about that. That's a very good point.
She should carry steroids. Everywhere you go. They should all be fucking on steroids. You guys should just keep steroids with you. Just have like a fucking box that can't be like a bulletproof box with testosterone in it and a fucking bag of needles that's attached to your hips. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah, I was like, make them.
the most roided out freak of all time. Yeah, when you see these people that are talking about non-binary folks in the fucking military, and then you see China and they're doing bear crawls up hills. Have you seen that video of the Chinese military? Doing bear crawls up a...
giant hill. Yeah. I have not seen that. You ever do that workout? You ever do a bear crawl? I've done a bear crawl. It sucks. Bro. That's not fun. It looks way easier than it is. It's so hard. It's not hard. I mean, it's not easy to do at all, but it looks easy. Like, I can walk on my hands and knees.
It's easy. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. And then you do, like, five steps. And you're like, oh, my God, my shoulders are shaking. Is that feet and hands? You're walking. You're going like this. Yeah, but your weight's all on your... You're going like this. Your weight's all on your feet and your hands. It's really hard. You know what really blows? Duck walks.
Oh yeah, those suck. Those suck. It was like a real O-line. Where'd you piss, you fucking man? Well, you know, when we do our comedy workouts, I always make sure that everybody does those deep squats. Except Brian Simpson. He's like, I'm getting tired. He does them. Brian Simpson does them. Simpson does well. The only thing.
bitches out on is the sauna. That's my joy. I've never seen anyone bang on the sauna. His sauna blows. I get that sauna up to 196. I know. I watched all you guys come and go while I'm sitting in there. Let's fucking go. Come on, man. I was at a McCusker show. We met some seals. Uh-oh. And they go, hey, I was in Yemen. What did they say? Beach balls. Mark Norman, you're such an important part of the show. They go, I was in Yemen. And I was undercover, whatever, embedded.
And then I went to have to do... Oh, that's hard. This is it. This is it right here. Oh, they're going up and down. That's the hard part. I think this is like a meme in China. I don't know about the military doing it. Oh, no. I saw some military guys doing it. I know. I Googled it. I'm not seeing... These guys are fucking killing it. It's pretty cool looking. That's hard to do man.
Whoever those guys are, we can't find enough Americans to do that. Hey, Kool-Aid. Show the elephant walk that America's doing. Do we have enough Americans? Yeah, the elephant walk into McDonald's following Donald Trump's lead. Well, I guess it's 80 people that do it. They're a bunch of nerds. Bro, that is so hard. hard to do.
The average age is 50. Whoa. That's crazy. That means there's somebody 68 years old. Who knows how old these Asians are? You know what's crazy, though? Chinese military. Asian don't raisin. Our ads are doing these fucking silly. fucking inclusive things about the military, their ads are trying to make Chinese men more masculine. Everything is more masculine. That's a fucking...
Uphill climb. I think we're gonna flip though. I think that those days are over. I think they're over too I think people realize how fucking dangerous it is to project this fucking insanity to the whole world We never played that Trump fucking thing on the internet. That's alright It's not that great. I got me riled up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Find that, Jamie. I posted it on my Instagram. You did? Okay, cool. Go to my Instagram, Jamie, and you'll find it because it's also with the words.
So the transcript is on the screen. If you don't want it, we don't have to. No, we're going to do it. We want it. You're right. You want it. You want it. It's super important. We have all the time in the world, man. We're Americans. We're Americans and Trump's the president. Start from the beginning. Give me a little volume.
Sorry. I know. I understand. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. It's okay. Damn, Brolin's handsome. He's a beautiful man. Free speech. Then we just don't have a free country. It's as simple as that. If this most fundamental right is allowed to perish, then the rest of our rights and liberties will topple. Just like Domino's, one by one, they'll go down. Domino's pizza, great pizza. Shatter the left-wing censorship regime.
Love this. Jamie, comment. Right now, live. No, no, no. Hold on. Let him. In recent weeks, bombshell reports have confirmed. that a sinister group of deep state bureaucrats, Silicon Valley tyrants, left-wing activists, and depraved corporate news media have been conspiring to manipulate and silence the American people. They have collaborated to suppress vital information on everything from elections to public health. The censorship cartel must be dismantled and destroyed.
And it must happen immediately. And here is my plan. First, within hours of my inauguration. I will sign an executive order banning any federal department or agency from colluding with any organization, business or person to censor, limit, categorize or impede the lawful speech. of American citizens. I will then ban federal money from being used to label domestic speech as mis or disinformation. And I will begin the process of identifying and firing every federal... Wow. Damn. Should.
the Department of Health, Human Services, the FBI, the DOJ, no matter who they are. Second, I will order the Department of Justice to investigate all parties involved in the... new online censorship regime which is absolutely destructive and terrible and to aggressively prosecute any and all crimes identified these include possible violations of federal civil rights law
campaign finance laws, federal election law, securities law and antitrust laws, the Hatch Act, and a host of other potential criminal, civil, regulatory, and constitutional offenses. To assist in these efforts, I am urging House Republicans to immediately send preservation letters. And we have to do this right now. To the Biden administration, the Biden campaign, and every Silicon Valley tech giant, ordering them not to destroy evidence of censorship.
third upon my inauguration as president i will ask congress to send a million likes revising section 230. 2.30. What time does an agent go to the doctor? 2.30. I'm dumb as shit. If they meet high standards of neutrality. Look at Jayma with all the tabs. Leonard Skinner, Stephen Wolf. and promoting terrorism while dramatically curtailing their power to arbitrarily restrict lawful speech. Fourth, we need to
I don't care if you don't like this guy. You can't be against this. That's a progressive idea. It's progressive. That is. You have to be able to go, I'm against 95% of them. This part is okay. If you're not... If you're not with that, you're not with free speech. So you're not with free discourse. You want to be right. None of it makes any sense. There's no logical explanation that you could possibly provide that would say that.
censoring speech by a bunch of people that have been known to be liars and criminals. Letting those people censor speech is crazy. You're letting people influence people with billions of dollars. You're letting people that are engaged in... really bizarre.
Like the insider trading, the insider trading is fucking bananas. We let those people, these are the people that you're letting dictate what can and cannot be said online. You're trying to pretend that they don't have some sort of a financial interest one way or the other. You've got to let people talk. Anyone in the arts should be in favor of that. Everyone. Do whatever you want to do. Express what you want to express. If you want to make rap music, whatever you want to make, you need that.
That's everything for us, for all of us. That's a great thing about rappers. They don't really... attack each other for being inappropriate. They're terrified that if they go after rappers, they'll lose the entire segment of the population that likes rap music. Oh, interesting. Because everybody's sort of accepted that if you listen to old school Coogee rap or something like that...
gangster music you're accepting the fact this is entertainment just like a fucking al capone movie and it's fun to listen to if you start going after those people and you demand that kind of censorship you're going to lose not just the people in the black community you're going to lose the people in the
white community that like rap, Asian community, Chinese, Japanese, name it. Everybody likes rap music. Everybody likes rap. Leave us the fuck alone. Asian rappers. Leave us the fuck alone. And if you don't leave us the fuck alone, then you're going to lose all the votes. So I don't think they can go after rappers. music i think they have to leave rap music alone yeah and it should be that's why they say what you want to say yeah especially in the arts
And that's okay. That's just your stance. It's okay. You should be allowed to have all kinds of shit. Do you remember when Sister Soulja had that rant? Oh, yes. And Bill Clinton had this rebuttal to it on TV that probably won him the election. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was talking about like
Here, we'll play it. We'll play it, because then I want to paraphrase it. Because we played it really recently. It shows you how good Clinton was when he was in his prime. Oh, yeah. Well, the Dems lost for years. When he wasn't raping, he was fucking on fire. I think it's like him and him. Let's stand up for what's always been best about the Rainbow Coalition, which is people coming together across racial lines.
The Rainbow Coalition was Jesse Jackson. We talked about Mr. Fields in Louisiana that you had here last night. A great role model. We don't have a lot of time to do this. We don't have a lot of time. Great hairline. God damn. You had a... A rap singer here last night. Who? Named Sister Soldier. I defend her right to express herself through music. But her comments before and after Los Angeles were filled with the kind of...
hatred that you do not honor today and tonight. Just listen to this, what she said. Wet-ass pussy. She told the Washington Post about a month ago, and I quote, If black people kill black people every day, why not have a week and kill white people? So you're a gang member and you'd normally kill somebody? Why not kill a white person?
Last year she said you can't call me or any black person anywhere in the world a racist We don't have the power to do to white people what white people have done to us And even if we did we don't have that low down dirty nature If there are any good white people, I haven't met them. Where are they? Right here in this room. Right here in this room. Shut up, you rapist. I know she is a young person, but she has a big influence on a lot of people.
And when people say that, if you took the words white and black and you reversed them, you might think David Duke was giving that speech. Ooh, it's a good point. Let me tell you, we all make mistakes, and sometimes we're not as sensitive as we ought to be. And we have an obligation, all of us, to call attention to prejudice wherever we see it. A few months ago, I made a mistake. Some chick said no, and I said shut up.
Didn't have any African-American members. I was criticized for doing it. You know what? I was rightly criticized for doing it. I made a mistake. Good for him. I said I would never do that again. And I think all of us have got to be sensitive to that. We can't get anywhere in this country pointing the finger at one another across racial lines. If we do that, we're dead. Can't play that.
Even in Reverend Jackson's new math of this election, it's hard to get to a 34% solution or a 40% solution if the American people can be divided by race. Look at Jussie. Amazing. He was so good, Ben. To admit you're wrong, no one ever does it anymore. It's so smooth. The way he did it was so smooth. Jamie, weak bladder. Holla. Oh, shit. Good speaker. Holocaust.
One bong yet was enough for young Jamie. Let's get some steaks and go to Shane's house and grill them. I'm actually totally all right with that. What about your roommate? LaMare? Yeah. LaMare's cool. He'll grill for us. Put on the bow tie and do it. Put him out. He's going to fuck it up. I'm going to have to be the griller. Yes. Yeah, you'll grill us. Actually, let's go do that. Let's do that.
I'm in. I got to pull. I turned the hot tub on before I left. Oh, turn the hot tub on. Dude. Okay. Anything else? Should we cover anything else before we wrap this bitch up? Should we wait for J-Mo? We have to wait for J-Mo. We have to wait for J-Mo. Otherwise it won't shut off. We got Ellen leaving. Then we'll say something ridiculous.
I'm like, oh, no. We talked politics. We talked the Jake Paul fight. That was so bad. That was a real waste of time. That seemed like a sparring match. The Jussie Smollett fight was better. I would like to see video that he got off by the way. I know I knew he was innocent the whole time What would you want
Four years and now, what would you want one thing to be done? Over four years? Yeah. Release the JFK files. That's one? That's one. Stop the war. Stop the war is first. Stop the war. Ukraine, Gaza, stop the war is first. Mark. Well, I like the censorship thing. That's silly. Why do I only have to have one? I don't know. Sure, you're right. Wars is number one. Wars is always going to be number one.
I'd like to end the Cuba embargo. Doesn't seem to be doing anything. Absolutely. Instead, the conviction was overturned because the Illinois Supreme Court ruled five to zero that a special prosecutor should not have been allowed to intervene after the cook. County state's attorneys initially dropped the charges against Smollett in exchange for forfeiting his $10,000 bond and conducting community service. So that should have been punishment enough, and so they decided to make it public.
a big deal out of it all right that's reasonable because otherwise was he going to jail did he have to go to jail miss pat miss pat was the best before anyone said it was fake Before anyone. Oh, yeah, she called it. I will say I was day one. She goes, she goes, motherfucker. Who's going to wear, who's going to use name brand bleach to attack somebody? She goes, hey, hey, right. That's funny. Here it is. Thank God for the mask. 15 years in prison. Oh, my God. He diverted funds.
And made everyone think there's racism when there's none. He's an actor. It's like a baby that bit an electric cord. Bridget said the best. Bridget Fossey said the best. You can't let the actors write the fucking script. Well, actors write everything now. Well, that's like the Johnny Depp trial.
It's like there's certain times where the actors get involved in their own script writing and get pretty nutty. Johnny Depp during that interview was so funny because when they're like, what's this box for? Is it Coke? He goes... Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what? Fuck do you think's in there? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it crazy she put on makeup and said he beat her? Like, she just completely lied. Well, some people do that.
And then the people were like, wow, maybe she has a point. He was originally sentenced to 150 days in jail, 30 months of probation in order to pay a fine of $130,000. He only spent about one week in prison before being released pending appeal. God damn, they put him in jail for a week, though.
Oh, they did. The whole thing's stupid as fuck, but it's just an attention grab. No one's a victim of it other than everybody's sensibility. There's no real victim of it. If he victimized someone, I would see, I think the public humiliation of people finding out that it's like it's enough.
We don't have to cage people for something stupid. It's a stupid thing. And it's also a stupid thing from an actor that's involved in this bizarre industry that props people up for no reason and then shoots them down. It's a fucking chaotic, bizarre.
way to live your life, and you're probably insane if you're involved in it. But it's a good sign for our country that, like, hey, this thing actually didn't happen. He had to make this up. This shit doesn't happen in the streets. But it's just like an actor writing, this is MAGA country. They wanted it so bad to be this thing. It's cool. My favorite part was when he walked in with the noose still around his neck news off because then no one's going to believe you. Right.
Jesus Christ. This is like when I wear a fucking festival armband six months later. Oh my God. I'm cool. South by Southwest. You're amazing. Did you see the new Robert Rodriguez movie? You're amazing. You still got your October 7th fan? That was a festival. If Trump can just stop both of those fucking things from popping off. That would be great. It's worth everything else he tweets about.
That's the whole point. Get in there and stop this shit. Just cool everyone down. Just chill out. Let's have a good time. We got a good place here. I think his feistiness kind of makes him his own worst enemy in a certain way. Like why people hate him when he tweets. like I hate Taylor Swift it's like his feistiness his fucking but that's also what kept him in this thing so if I think about it psychologically like I think about certain competitors in sports we're fighting
There's people that are just, like, complete fucking maniacs, like Michael Jordan, and that's why they're the best. Yeah. They're complete maniacs, and the complete maniacs are oftentimes, like, not so good at controlling their initial thought. Yeah. Michael Jordan would... Ibe, like, baggage handlers to get his bag out first because you bet with Scottie Pippen whose bag would come out first. Oh, my God. That's amazing.
That was amazing. I think Trump's ego is actually maybe a good thing because he'll do, to me, what everybody says he is. So we're sitting here being like, he's going to be the one to end the wars. And I think he'll be like, yeah. I have to now. I am the one that's going to end the wars. Oh, yeah. And I think he, I mean, that's how I kind of look at it. I think so, too. I think his ego is actually.
I mean, it is a good thing because I think he will. Yeah, he's got to be like, guys, you've both done shit wrong. Can we stop this? He did not drain the swamp. He did not drain the swamp. That was sucky. But that's a good question that I had for him. Like, what was it like making like $10,000?
appointments and he's like we made a lot of mistakes he's like we i've never governed before like it's essentially and every time he's talked about this he said like you you enter into this new the gates man the gates man was Matt Gaetz, get the fuck out of here. He's gone. Well, he had to back down, it seems like. I know, but it's like, bro, first of all, if you're a dude with insane...
plastic surgery on your face. He's got the Botox. Get him out. The eyebrows. Obviously, don't kill Matt Gaetz. You know what I mean. I heard he was like, Matt Gaetz, you've got to resign so I can point you to this thing. And then he resigned. He's like, Fuck off, loser. Is that what he did? Did you just make that up? No, somebody told me.
I didn't just make it up. He told Matt Gaetz, you've got to resign so I can appoint you. And Matt Gaetz is like, why do I have to resign? He goes, trust me, trust me. You resign. I appoint you to this thing. And he goes, okay, I resign. He goes, not appointing you. No, I think it was Matt Gaetz. When did you hear this? Yes.
Where? Somewhere at the comedy mothership. At the tunnels. At the temple. Somebody told me that. I don't even know who that guy is. You are spreading misinformation. This is why they want to censor internet. No, I heard it. I think it was. All right, you're fucking up my whole show. So is he not a congressman anymore? RFK Jr., that's what a guy's supposed to look like when he's his age. That's what a healthy guy, healthy guy, ripped, strong, 70 years old. Yay. That's it. No fucking...
Botox. Yeah. Botulism shot in your fucking face. What is that stuff? Is it botulism? Him and Cheryl. Isn't that what it is? Still a fuck. You can tell. Who and who? Him and Cheryl. Oh, he definitely is. Oh, I've got medieval on Cheryl. Yeah. You can tell her. She's throwing her around. Have some respect. Have some respect. Have some respect. I'm about to slap her ass. Sounds like a car that can't start.
It's going to be interesting to see what happens if that guy gets into a position of influence and power. If he takes my Fruit Loops, I'm going to fucking storm the Capitol. Slowly. I know a lot of people are skeptical about RFK, but we are obese. We are addicted to opioids. We are fucked up. That's true. tell you i was looking at the images the difference between the canadian fruit loops and the american fruit loops online yeah and i'm willing to take the risk of the red dye
What do you mean? They look so much cooler. Look how much cooler they look. Show me the difference, Jamie. I ate a bowl today. If you just eat a little bit every now and then, how bad is I right back? Give us some colorful stuff. I switched them a few years ago. Listen to me.
I'm fine. I've eaten a thousand balls of Froot Loops. I'm not doing great. Let's take a look at what the Froot Loops look like in Canada versus, like, look at that. I want the one on the left. Those are gross and gay and dead Froot Loops. I don't want to eat it every day.
But I want the one on the left a few years ago to take them out and they did but no one bought it The one on the right looks like that generic stuff that you buy when you're poor the bag That's why Canadians are sad they have bad fruit just don't eat it every day fucking idiots Don't eat it all the time. Don't feed it to your kids. Play me a sad Saskatoon. That's not nutrition. That's nonsense that you'd eat occasionally.
Occasional nonsense is good for you. It's crazy. They tried to nail him on the Froot Loops and he's exactly right. I know, I know. We like Froot Loops. It's like the New York Times fact-checked him. Which one of you fucking dumbasses is eating Froot Loops?
You know what I mean? They should do better with the FDA. Obviously, he's right. Don't eat fucking Fruit Loops. Right. We have a health director that's like, yeah, crush Fruit Loops. But we've been pushing balanced breakfast for 30 years with the cereal. Yeah, it's crazy. It's part of this balanced breakfast. Yeah.
LOL. Yeah. Froot Loops is cardboard. Fucking eggs. What are you doing to that kid? Autism's up. Depression's up. All that shit's up. There's too much money. There's too much money that's being funneled to people. That's really all it is.
The pharmaceutical drug companies make so much money. They have so much power. But I thought we cared about people's health. But you're supposed to. They're supposed to, too. It's not supposed to be you shouldn't make any money. It's like you shouldn't make as much money as you possibly can while lying.
Risk of everyone. That's a liberal thought. It is. Everybody still needs pharmaceutical drugs. Like, they've come up with some amazing drugs that have kept people alive. But you can't let them just make as much money as they possibly can while lying. Right.
problem it's like you have to know like how much of this stuff is safe and how much this stuff is untested and what what are the tests and are you being honest or are you just like making these tests work for you are you bullshitting so if you're bullshitting Then you're trying to make more money than you should you should still be able to make a fuckload of money Because there's a ton of pharmaceutical drugs that are awesome that people need
But you can't make as much money as possible while lying. And that's the thing. It's not like it's an anti-pharmaceutical drug. It's an anti-human perspective to not look at it this way. It's to say you're going to allow these people that are only motivated by money to just... wreak havoc on people's health for profit. And either you're cool with that or you're not cool with that. And if you're cool with that and you call yourself a progressive, that's kind of crazy.
It's kind of crazy that you want an unregulated corporation that has a literal obligation to their shareholders to make the most profit possible. And then you get these fucking corporate assassins to run these things. And then you have insane amounts of money that you're spending on the media.
There's no way anybody gets a fair shake at what the fuck is actually going on. Advil's okay. Purdue's not. There's even, you know, a lot of those things are not good for you, man, that people take on a regular basis and you don't know it because it's being hidden from you. Yeah.
Follow your nose. You know, I read this story about this lady who had COVID and she was really hurting. So she took too much Tylenol. She died from liver failure. Whoa. Because if you take too much Tylenol, it'll fucking kill you. Really? Yes. I didn't know that. Headache you ever have if you just go ham and think the more Tylenol the better you just start chewing on them You will have a fucking real problem. I took like five today Everyone should know that you should know
I didn't know that. It's not that you shouldn't be able to get Tylenol. Of course you should have Tylenol. Everybody likes Tylenol. You get a headache, take Tylenol, you feel better. But it's like everyone should fucking know what is really dangerous for you. you done and how honest are you being and are you just trying to make more money yeah in the 90s they took all the town off the shelf remember that
liver and COVID. Oh, no, this was about Tylenol. She died of Tylenol failure. They might be hiding that. It says COVID's hard on your liver, so heads up already. COVID's hard on everything. Yeah, but the thing is, people have died from Tylenol. Without COVID. COVID does suck. Tylenol, acetaminophen, Google how many deaths of acetaminophen every year. Because that's an interesting statistic. That's interesting. Google that every year. Yeah, good for you. That's going to be a tough spell. Deaths.
Got it. That's an autofill. That's an autofill for sure. Look at that. 458. That's not that much. 458 deaths every year due to acute liver failure. But that's 458 people who didn't have to die. Yeah. Yeah, Gaza. People that like had to be hospitalized go back to that, please Look at this. 2,600 hospitalizations, 56,000 emergency room visits. So it's not just the 458 people that died. It's 56,000 people that probably got on death's door.
Overdose. It was the point where they had to go to the fucking emergency room. They didn't call the poison control centers. Yeah, it's real. A lot of people like going to the emergency room, too. That's true. That is true. I mean, look up how many weed emergency rooms. Emergency rooms there are where people go, I ate all the popcorn. Oh, my God. I had a friend of mine, and I think it was like...
His sister's husband was a complete hypochondriac, like a full-on. He would go to the hospital emergency room all the time. All the time. And she was going crazy. She didn't know what to do about it.
He was like completely nuts. Like he would just get checked into the hospital and there was nothing wrong with him. And then he would just decide that there was something wrong with him. He had to go right now and he'd go and there was nothing wrong with him. And it was like a regular thing. Jesus Christ. Yeah. But that's a stat.
That's in the stats. And he was like her husband. And they had children together. And you got this guy who just can't stop going to the doctor. Like he was like really kooky. It became like a real phobia. Like a real mental. So, you know, pathology. The doctor sucks. This guy was constantly thinking something was going wrong. So he was just in this constant state of anxiety about his health. Yikes. It's a real thing that happens to people. Don Barris got high with popcorn weed.
like edibles and then ate the rest of the bag and then went to sleep and woke up and was like, what the, something's wrong with me. Went to the hospital and the doctor tested him and goes, smoke weed? And Don's like, fuck. He went too hard. He thought he was having a panic attack. He went too hard. I never go to the hospital.
I gotta be shitting blood or puking. I've got to literally be dying. I told this story a bunch of times about Ari. Me and Ari were playing pool once and Ari was limping. I go, why are you limping? He goes, oh, a spider bit me. I go, let me see it. He pulls up his knee. I go, oh, my God, dude, you have a staph infection. I go, we got to go to the hospital right now. I unscrewed my cue right now. I go, we got to go to the hospital right now. You got to get to the emergency room. Whoa.
raging staph infection. My dad went to the hospital for his heart attack. He was like, I'm tired. I'm going upstairs. He was laying in bed. He started Googling. He was like, hey, Siri, what are the heart attack symptoms?
Jiu-jitsu gyms is they don't fucking tell you the dangers of staph infections. They should have pictures of what staph looks like. 100%. What is a staph? What is that? A staph infection is if you don't wash yourself, and Ari's a dirty bitch, we all know it. Listen, I can't argue with that. If you don't wash yourself, then your staph won't show it.
Getting scratched. You're scraping your knee on the ground. Nails. Dude's fingernails scratch you. That's about right. That's about right. You get it. If you don't wash your... I'm diligent. If I do jujitsu, I... I use defense soap. I would wash my hands and go do spots. I wash my whole body. I lather up my whole body. I let it sit on me for a couple of minutes, and then I rinse it off. Jamie, you pervert. And if I have scratches, if I have any kind of...
scratches i have wipes and i wipe the scratches really yeah i've got staffed twice they should do a better job of that yeah tate fletcher told me i had staffed the first time that's one of the reasons why i was happy i could tell you because i was sitting me and him were at the airport were chilling i was wearing shorts and i had my my my foot up on my knee like that and he goes what's going on your calf i go what is that he goes what is that
And I go, I don't know. It's like a couple of red dots. So I get something. He goes, dude, that might be staph infection. I'm like, seriously? That's how guys are. It looks like that? That's how guys are. Should be fun. So I immediately went to the doctor. He's like, that's staph. Whoa. They tested it. They gave me antibiotics. And I was like, whoa. Did it hurt?
I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. And Joe's like, dude, I'm telling you, I understand. You've got to go now. It's about to become systemic. Yes. You've got to catch it quick. One of Brian Callen's friends' wives died from staph because she tried to treat it. She tried to be like...
and take vitamins and shit. Like, you gotta go to the fucking doctor. See, this is the thing we're talking about. Pharmaceutical drugs. That's my favorite anti-vaxxers is where the crystal people and the super rednecks come together. This is why we need balance, right? Because pharmaceutical drugs like antibiotics are fucking super.
important they're super important and it saved your life for sure your knee was fucked it's a problem it was like you ever look at it if you looked at a zit under a microscope that's what it was like I was like this is huge
Yeah, he was limping from a zit. It was that bad. You didn't know guys just assume like I think I'm okay. This should go away. It was Hollywood. Go to doctors. He was hobbling around the table. What is going on man? Whoa if I didn't look at your knee, dude, and you just left that go, you would be a dead man.
Yeah, you're like, Joe, like, pull your pant leg off. To this being such a good podcast. Yeah, he's alive. We were just one. I'll never forget that thing. My heart stopped. My heart stopped when I saw it. Hello, doggie. The moment I saw that giant zit, literally my breath stopped. I'm like, oh my God, we're going to get to your hospital right now. That was the same pool session. So I've got Joe goes to the bathroom. This is before ending the podcast even.
he goes about this guy clocks him and he comes back and he goes to joe there he goes what do you think of that big fight and joe's like oh which one he goes i don't know He was just trying to talk I gotta pee again Let's wrap this up Gentlemen, we saved the world One more time What's the score? What's the score?
MarkNorman.com. Yes. MarkNormanComedy.com. Shane Gillis. Make sure you watch Tires. Season 2 being filmed right now. When is it coming out? Spring or summer. Okay. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Arch Fear. New special coming out January 14th.
Six days before inauguration. Hell yeah. Let's fucking go. Oh, I'm at the Ryman in Nashville. Beautiful. Ari, let's get you on the books right before the special. Okay. Maybe a lot longer. We'll see. A lot longer. I should do that after he gets in. That's January.
20th. We do Protect Our Parks. I'm going to get him on the books, and then we'll do a Protect Our Parks in Mar-a-Lago. We needed this one. I missed you guys. America needed it. Let's go. Let's all play golf. Let's go. Let's go. Hey, sex with kids. Let's go to Shane's. Hey, you just fucked it up. Cut that part. Dude, I love you guys so much. This was fun.