Building a Resilient Mindset #17

couple speeches. I'm hoping to speak publicly in the next couple of months and I want it to be on the importance of having a resilient mindset. Before we get started, before we get going any further, because I talked about reading so often in every one of these episodes, probably getting a little bit repetitive, I know. But because I do that so often, I created a

reading list on my website. So if you go to "Ionmotive.com/reading list," you can find all the books, I highly recommend some of my personal favorites, as well as the books I'm going to read this year. So you can go on that website and I'll have my list that I will be updating constantly as we go throughout this year. I plan on reading about 40 books this year, almost done with my second one. So I'm on, I'm on pace so far. So I'll be updating that as we go along 2021. Other than that, I got

nothing new to say. So let's get started. My goal today is to help you build a resilient mindset. That is my sole objective. Here's why you need to have a resilient mindset. I don't know about you, but I think this whole life thing is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, right? I mean, some parts of life are just unavoidable. And some of the bad parts are just unavoidable, right? People leave, relationships end, you fail, you get laughed at and people pass away. That's just a

part of life. So those are some things that just happen. And a lot of times, there's nothing you can do about it. To counter those darkest moments, and to stay strong, you need to have a resilient mindset. And I don't necessarily like the idea of an overly excessive positive mindset, because I think that kind of neglect the importance of emotion. When I first started this podcast, I used the words positive and negative I think a little too much when I was talking about the word emotion.

And really, emotions are okay, I made a podcast about that a little while ago. But emotions are just calls to action a lot of the times and nothing more. For example, if you feel bored, how do you fix that? Right? That seems like a negative emotion. But really, you just fix that by doing more of what you love, doing more of what excites you. Yesterday, I tried to record this podcast and I was getting pissed. For some reason, I just could not record it. I don't know if I was just tired, or

what was going on. But I was having a very hard time and then the battery died. I don't know how, I charged it. Things just weren't going well. And yesterday, I just did not get as much done as I wanted to with this page. Okay, so I don't need to use that feeling to tear me down. I can use it in a more resilient way, not a positive/negative way. I can use that feeling to push me forward, to inspire me to record this episode today, and that's what

I'm doing. Again, I'm not a huge way of the whole positive vibes only way of thinking. If that works for you, that works for you. That's great, right? That's, it's always good to be more positive. Right now, we need more positivity, for sure. But sometimes it's just hard to be overly positive about some things. But you can always be resilient, you can always be strong with your mindset. I just wanted to clear that up before we talked a little bit more

about a resilient mindset. So let's get right into that now. What does a resilient mindset look like? The very first aspect is to have a growth mindset. You might have heard the terms "growth mindset and fixed mindset" before. Basically, a growth mindset understands problems and challenges as opportunities to grow, ways to improve. A person with a growth mindset believes you can change, you are not stuck the way you

are, you can always improve. On the other hand, a person with a fixed mindset kind of has the opposite way of thinking. They see their challenges and their problems as huge setbacks, they often have a harder time moving forward because they see their failures as final. There's nothing you can do about it, which is not the case. In order to have a resilient mindset, you've got to have that growth mindset way of thinking. You have to understand you can change, you can always grow, you

can always improve. I read a study a little while ago and it was super interesting. I'm super bummed I can't find it because I probably won't explain it as well as I could have. I'll continue to look for it, but I have no idea where it went. I think I might have read it in a book and maybe that's why I've been having a hard time finding it. But basically, there were two groups of kids being studied. And they both had instructors, both groups. in group one, the kids took a test.

And after they did the test, they were told, "wow, you did really well, you must be talented." Now, the kids when they heard that, they identified that they were talented, they kind of embraced that identity. The kids in group two, once they did well on the exact same test, they were told, "wow, you must be really hard working." Both kids adopted what they were told. The kids in group one adopted the idea that they were talented, and the kids in group two adopted the idea that they

were hard working. Now later on, when they took other tests. The kids in group one, their scores actually dropped. And they realized, maybe I, maybe I'm not that talented and they kind of disidentified and they began to develop a fixed mindset. On the other hand, the kids in group two, their scores actually improved. They realized, wow, I can improve. I am a hard worker, and they developed a growth mindset. Just a pretty nuts study. I wish I could find it.

I'll try to keep looking for it, like I said, but I guess the big thing is, when you're raising your kids, or when you're working with young children, I guess it's more important to tell them that they are hard working when they do well, as opposed to Oh, you must be really talented. It seems like some pretty crazy changes can happen just when you switch around a few words. So I think the very first aspect of a resilient mindset is to have a

growth mindset. And I think the second big thing is to understand that everything in life can pretty much be viewed in the opposite way. So often, we fall victim to the idea that the circumstances of our lives determine how we feel. That is not the case at all. The circumstances do not determine how you feel, it's your thoughts about those circumstances that determine how you feel. The event is not connected to your feelings. Your thoughts about the event are connected to the

feelings. Here's a quote from Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations." It's a great book, if you haven't read it. It's philosophical, it's about stoicism, I've talked about it a few times, and I'll probably talk about, I'll probably talk about it later on in a full podcast, because the ideas in that in that book are super interesting and super helpful for living, I think, a happier life. The quote goes, T"ake away my opinion, and then there's taken away the complaint, "I

have been harmed." Take away that complaint, "I have been harmed", and the harm is taken away. That's a powerful idea. So let's take this one step further. Think of a Venn diagram. So you got the two big circles with the little meeting In the middle, right, the area, they both share. The big circle, the first big circle, let's call your events, the second circle, let's call your thoughts. And in the middle, you've got your feelings, it seems like they're all connected. They're all kind

of one, the events happen. And they're connected to your thoughts, and in the middle that causes your feelings. That's not actually how it works. Now, imagine the circles separated, the events are no longer connected to the thoughts, which means your events cannot determine your feelings. Events happen, but ultimately, it's the thoughts that are separated from those, your thoughts determine your feelings. I've talked about

my struggles with OCD before. My mom said that I was diagnosed when I was just two or three years old. So it's pretty much been this whole lifelong battle. Sometimes it sucks, right? Sometimes I run the exact same thought through my head every single minute of the day. Sometimes I have these horrible thoughts in my head that I cannot get out of my mind. And I really struggle with that sometimes. But I don't need to let the idea that I have OCD cripple me, right. That's just

something I'm born with. I can choose to view my OCD in any way I want it. I can view it as obsessive compulsive disorder, or I can view it as something else. I like to say that it stands for obsessively chasing dreams, because that's how I view it. I realize my OCD has helped me work on my goals. In a way it has helped me almost obsess on little self improvement day after day. It has helped me become the person I am today and I am proud of that. I don't have to let that

break me down. That's completely unnecessary. Some, It's not my fault I have OCD. I was simply born with it. There's nothing I can do about it. But I have to learn how to handle it. I should not allow it to destroy me. I should use it in a way that benefits me, that helps me grow, that helps just make me happy. I recently read a story in a book. It was about these two twin brothers who had an abusive alcoholic father. He was just, he did not treat them right.

Later on, 10, 20, 30 years down the road when the boys grew up, one of the boys ended up being super successful. He was doing well financially. He was married, he had kids, a good career, everything seemed to be going well. On the other hand, the other twin brother had a very hard time. He grew up to be an alcoholic, he grew up to be abusive, he just turned out to be the complete opposite of the

other brother. When they were asked why they were the way they were, why they turned out to be how they were, They answered the exact same way. They said, "because I grew up with the father that I had." That's nuts right, the exact same event happened to them, but they used the event in different ways. The first brother used it as a way to improve, he realized, man, I can't control this, but I can use it to empower me, I can use it to grow. The second brother

allowed it to break him down. He allowed it to control his life, he did not separate his circumstances from how he felt about life, and because of that reason, it destroyed him. To sum it up, I think two huge aspects, obviously, not all the aspects, but two big aspects of a resilient mindset are to have a growth mindset and to view things in the opposite way. Understand, you can view things how you want to view them, you can view things in a way that empowers you.

Before we talk about how to build a resilient mindset, let me just again say why it's so important, why I think mindset is your superpower. Again, sometimes things just happen. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. But when you have a resilient mindset, you understand that no matter what happens to you, you are in control of your life, you are in control of what you want to feel. That is the most empowering idea. No matter what circumstances are cast upon you,

you are in control. You might lose your job, you might lose a relationship, you might fail trying to work on your goal, you might lose someone close to you. But ultimately, those things do not have to determine how you feel. You can take any situation in your life and use it in a way that empowers you, that pushes you forward, that helps you grow, that helps you see the good in things. Sometimes, life is not always happy, right? A resilient mindset helps you live a good life, not always a happy

one. Sometimes it's fine, it's hard to be happy. That's just the truth of it. But that doesn't mean it's not good. Beautiful things come out of ugly things, great things come out of bad times. Being resilient allows you to keep moving forward, even in your darkest times, to find strength in the struggle. Let's take this

one step further. When you have a resilient mindset, you are ultimately in control of your happiness, you do not have to leave your happiness up to chance, you do not have to let other things determine whether or not you feel happy, because you can find that happiness from within at any given time, at any moment during any struggle, right? A resilient mindset will literally provide you a path to happiness, because it puts it

all on you. You realize I am in control of this, I am in control of how I feel and because of that reason, I can feel good, no matter what happens to me. That was a lot. That felt good, though. So let's now talk about how you build a resilient mindset. I think the very first thing you can do is meditate before a struggle. So a lot of times we have these things we want to do. But we're too afraid to do them, and we back away. When the moment comes, we we

step away from our goals. For example, I wanted to do this podcast for a little while before I actually started it. And when I first started it, I did not want to put my face out there, I just wanted to record it into the microphone, and never show my face on YouTube, on social media because that seemed really easy. But I understood that if I want this page to grow to the level I want to grow it to, I'm going to have

to show my face eventually. So to counter that struggle, to be more resilient, I meditated beforehand. So if I wanted to post on social media, before I would do it that morning, I would close my eyes for a few minutes and work through the process in my mind. And when I started to feel anxiety, I would just start taking deeping breaths, just like that, relax myself and keep moving forward

with the, the vision. And I would finally post it, and then I would, I would actually tell myself, no matter how I feel, I will post it. No matter how I feel, I will leave it up there. And honestly, now it's gotten to the point where I don't even really think about it anymore. And I understood that if I wanted to do this, if I wanted this podcast to grow, I had to leave my posts up there for people to see, I had to put myself out there and just thinking about it beforehand.

preparing myself for the discomfort helped me a ton, helped me gain confidence, helped me push through the situation. A lot of times, we don't really prepare for the discomfort and we kind of get caught off guard when the situation arises. But I think if we prepare for it beforehand, we feel better about it. So I think of, people get super nervous asking people out, everybody gets the butterflies in their stomach when, when that idea

pops into their head. So, when the moment comes, it might catch you off guard, if you want to ask somebody out, the situation might arise at some random time, right? So prepare for it beforehand, think about it. Think about yourself overcoming the difficulty, tell yourself, "okay, I'm going to feel discomfort. I'm going to work through this though, the discomfort is just a minor barrier that I can overcome to to reach my end goal." The second thing you can do is change the way you see

discomfort. Discomfort in life is not a bad thing. It's again, just an emotion we feel that often is driving us. But a lot of times we have this idea that "Oh, discomfort should be avoided at all costs, we should always be happy, we should never be anxious." Okay, that, that is just flat out impossible for any human being. That's not going to work. So we got to change the way we see discomfort. We should not see discomfort as a thing to avoid, but rather I think, to

embrace. So rather than completely cut it out, let's move from bad discomfort to good discomfort. What do I mean by that? You can feel discomfort from accepting things as they are, or you can feel discomfort from making things as they ought to be. And you have to decide because either way, discomfort is unavoidable. Think of a goal, think of any goal you have in your life, like the, think of the biggest, craziest goal, the one thing you want to

accomplish. I talk about Hawaii, I talk about owning my own business, I talk about buying a Corvette, those are a couple of my bigger goals, right? I have those goals in my mind. Now let's say I don't work for them. I'm going to feel discomfort because I'm going to regret that in the future. Down the road, when I realize crap, "Maybe I should have started working on my goals," That's going to be way more uncomfortable. And even when I'm not working on that goal, I'm feeling the discomfort

knowing I should. Instead I'm going to choose to feel the discomfort from working on those goals, from trying to improve, from trying to be better. That's kind of uncomfortable sometimes. A lot of times it's hard to just put yourself out there. It's hard to work on a goal knowing you'll, you'll fail at times, you're going to feel self doubt, knowing you're going to really struggle. But that's a better idea of discomfort than waiting and doing nothing and then

feeling regret. So rather than completely cut discomfort out of your life, which is flat out impossible, Choose the discomfort. Don't take the bad one, take the good idea of discomfort. The discomfort from doing nothing might be a little easier to manage in the short term. But in the long term, the discomfort from working on your goals, trying to improve yourself provides you with the only chance of actually achieving your goals, of being who you want to become. So, I'll

let you decide. But it seems like a pretty obvious choice, which discomfort you should pick. The next thing you can do is dissociate events from how you feel. I talked about the Venn diagram earlier, here are some other things you can do. The first thing you can do with this is to use better language. If you've never heard the story of the four minute mile, people thought that it was physically impossible, that the human body

could not do it. And Roger Bannister became the first person to ever run the four minute mile. And once he finally did, within months, a bunch of other people had completed it. People thought it was impossible. That word "impossible" is detrimental to your growth. Eric Thomas said it best he said impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men. So rather than use that word impossible, put the word challenging, because challenging means you can accept it, you can work towards it, you

can overcome it. When you use the word impossible, you pretty much accept that it's not even worth trying. So just simply change your vocabulary, change the word impossible to challenging or something else like that. When you do that, everything becomes accessible, everything becomes possible, you can start working on your craziest goals. And I bet when you start doing that, you'll be able to realize you can accomplish so much more than you

had ever even dreamt of. The second thing you can do is ask yourself better questions. This is so important because questions lead to generalizations a lot of the time. Let's use an example here. Let's say I play baseball, there's a guy on second and third, I'm the batter, winning run's on second. If I get a hit, they're probably both going to score and we will win the game. But if I strike out, or if I get

out, we lose. And let's say I swing as hard as I can, try to get a good hit, but I miss the ball completely. I strike out. That's probably going to feel pretty bad in the moment. I could very easily ask myself questions like, gosh, "why do I suck?" And that's, that's an easy question to ask when something like that happens, when we fail. But a lot of times the problem is we start to ask questions where we over generalize and lead to faulty

conclusions. So I might ask then "why did I even play baseball? Have I sucked all along?" It sounds kind of crazy, but generalizations like this can lead to "why am I a bad person?," very, very quickly, right? Stupid stuff like that happens when you ask yourself

poor questions. Instead, let's say I strike out, let the anger pass, let the disappointment pass, I can ask myself a better question, "how can I improve myself?" And when I asked myself that question, I can start to ask better questions, I can start to figure out better generalizations, I can realize I can change anything, I can always improve. I can always grow, I can be whatever I want to be. When you ask better questions, you're going to develop better long term

beliefs. If I aske myself bad questions, "Why do I suck" I'm going to think I suck as a person, which is just completely faulty. Just because I struck out one time, I might lead to a horrible generalization, I might start to develop a fixed

mindset. If I ask myself better questions, how can I improve myself so my team wins next time, that's going to lead to better generalization that's going to lead to you developing a growth mindset, realizing you can change in the long term, improve in the long term. Lastly, the final way to build a resilient mindset is to realize that this will take time. So you have to start by taking small steps, and constantly improving each and every day. Like anything, good things take time.

Just start by taking the smallest steps, start by constantly improving yourself each and every day. Doesn't have to be some huge step, but over time, those little steps are going to add up to huge gains. And the best thing is once you finally act, once you try to start moving forward, you're going to feel inspired. And when you feel inspired, you're going to feel motivated. And guess what happens when you feel

motivated, you act. So once you finally act, you're going to create this process where you keep moving forward and you keep feeling great. Once again, four ways to develop a resilient mindset are to meditate beforehand, change the way you see discomfort, dissociate events from how you feel, and take small steps. Working through these steps has changed the way I see things and has just made me feel better. Like I said earlier, you are in complete control of how you

feel. It's such an empowering belief when you finally accept that, because when you accept that you can start moving forward. Thank you for listening to today's episode of Ion Motive. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you found it helpful. If you take away one thing from this episode, please remember, your mindset is your superpower. No matter what happens to you, you are in complete control of your life, your beliefs, and

your happiness. I look forward to presenting you with another Ion Motive episode next week. Until then, remember the Ion