Hello, everyone. Welcome to the hotpot where we hop into different transitions in life. My name is Nick. I'm Joey and I'm, and today we are going to be talking about love, love specifically how we fall in love. So how did we fall in love? What makes us fall in love? How you transition from being single into getting a relationship? How do you navigate all the tingling feelings? I don't remember
the feeling of love. No, I really don't remember the feeling of being in love with someone because it's been a while. What about
crush? Crush? The butterflies and the
how does it transition from a crush to love? Can you stop? No, no, no. You can't ask me because I don't, I don't remember.
OK. So for Q it's crush and then it goes into love. I
would say infatuation in and crush the difference. I think whenever people say crush, it feels like harmless. Yeah, you have a crush on anyone, correct? But infatuation feels more intimate. You are actually getting to know someone already. Crush might be from a distance. I candy crush,
right? Infatuation is like another step in OK. Crush
infatuation. So actually, what does falling in love look like to you? Actually, I'm more curious. You want to neglect my issues? Is it
for me? Love comes very easy and fast. So I want to hear it from a different perspective.
My memory of love was like 5 to 6 years ago. So my parents recently pointed out that they notice that I don't fall in love easily. Every time I date someone, it just ends at the infatuation and then it just never goes beyond a certain like amount of feeling, emotion. What is
an indicator to yourself that it has transitioned from infatuation to love?
Asking the right question is Joe. I don't know. I think it's this mutual feeling when you don't need to express it,
but it's just a feeling that, you know,
you just know it one day that this person loves me and I love them so it has to be mutual somehow for me unrequited love. I've never had that so interesting, complicated. I think I got people that don't love me before. Yeah, I think I fall faster than the other person. Yeah, I think I stopped myself from falling in love if I know that this person is not stable or rather safe. So you think it can be controlled? I think I can subconsciously control my feelings. I don't let
myself fall too deep. What about you? What does love feel like
to you? I am absolutely hopeless, useless, romantic. I fall in love this fast. But I also fall out of love this fast. I love the chase. I used to love the chase and I chased someone for two months. Finally. Now they're like obsessed with me. Right. And the moment I realized that they were obsessed with me the way I was, I immediately hated them.
Was it an egg? It became an
egg. I'm not even kidding. We went on a date. It was so great. It was perfect. It was very gentlemanly and, and at the end of the day, on the way home, I was like, I do not want to see him ever again.
Ok. Do you think that it's because he came on too hard?
It was equal. Like we finally matched each other, or at least to me. Right.
So you think you must love more? You know what's
interesting? So, I recently there was a, there's a study by a couples therapist who has a lot of experience working with married couples. And he said that in every relationship, of course, the best is when it's equal, when it's mutual, the love is the same at any time. If the love is stronger with one person, it needs to be with the male and not the female because intrinsically as females, it doesn't matter how much we love the person, we will always operate on love.
I don't need to be in love with you, but I will still do everything I need to do to get everything done. Whereas once a man is out of love, he can no longer be functioning in that family nucleus anymore based on his experience. And that blew my mind. Ok. But anyway,
it late. No, well, end of conversation because I mean, I think like when I fall in love then it's been nice love, right?
But ok, wait, so you understand the chase thing? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. No, I'm a hopeless writing. So I am also a chaser. So I have never, I have never been chased before. No. But I think if someone chase me, I think I like,
I don't know how
to work. I like chase. I don't think I can fall in love if I'm being chased. Ok? If the girl makes the first move, you don't like too obvious. I don't like as in if she does it in a cool manner, I can, I can't wyd No, OK, like I, every time I try to connect with someone, right? I will always find a similar interest to talk about first and I won't wait for that person to start the conversation first. I don't believe in
men. Always making the first move. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I don't believe in men always making you like like, ok, so common responses when people are asked to describe what falling in love is like burst of energy and excitement. Sense of newness. You got a new toy, difficulty focusing on anything else? OK. OK. Your bond suddenly remember then go go to desire to spend as much time together as possible. Don't need your own personal space.
Interest in everything about them, feelings of attachment and a sense of security. Can
I just say that it got to be very excited? I love, love. I love.
He cannot understand you. I keep
telling Charlie like, oh my God, I wish that we could just go back to fall in love again again again again, again,
even though you've been together with him for quite some time. Do you fall in love again with your partner?
I think there are moments where I look at him and I feel like butterflies again. Sometimes. Sometimes if you always got butterflies at the doctor,
your stomach, I think so. I think it's in a very different, it's a slightly different form should be funny. Then
you're like, oh my God, you're so funny. I'm so happy I'm with you. Right?
It's a very, very dizzy
like blood
pressure, not enough iron.
Oh, no. Actually I do. I look at him and I was like, oh, so
what were the qualities you look for in your current partner? So I think the first thing that attracted me to her was we were emotionally very compatible. Can connect on a deeper level. Also helped that I was physically, I found her attractive, right? As in, I think I always look for chemistry. And then I confuse chemistry with compatibility.
And the most recent person that I dated, we had very strong chemistry and I was kind of like blinded in a sense that this person might be the one might be the person that I might end up being in a relationship and falling in love with. But then I realized like, oh his life trajectory and how I see my life going is very different. Like, for example, I would want to be married and he wouldn't want to. And I think he's more like a free spirit kind of guy. So I realized
all our dates were just dinner dates. We didn't do anything else. Yeah. No. No. You know what I mean? So that's very important. That's compatibility. How long did it take for you to fall enough? Like, if you can remember, I think how many months in one month, one month in? I ready to drop the bomb ready? No. Ok. Can I just say I met my very close friend yesterday and then she recently met someone new and for the first time she's in love,
not even one month in. And I realize it doesn't matter, the duration doesn't matter once you really find a person, that feeling and that connection. Right? It will just come for me.
I knew I was in love with Charlie. I think the, the
you need to teach me let go.
No, I think when the right person comes
you honestly.
Yeah, when the right person comes, wherever you are, please. Yeah. No, I think we hit it off very quickly. Like we both have wit and we had good chat. Um I love that we didn't see eye to eye because then we had these debates and sharing of our different opinions. But it was very respectful. I never felt once like I was wrong or like I had to change my thinking. If anything, it helped me see a different perspective, it helped him see a different perspective and
we come out of it, understand each other better. But of course, the best part about, oh my God. Do you? No, no, no. Ok. Listen at the start, right? When you are like at this time, at this time when you're dating and you send a text and then it's a bit risky like, oh, do you want to see, do you want to meet me tomorrow or whatever? And then you're just like,
yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Is that what are you doing tomorrow or?
Like, I think I like you then you like,
ok, I don't flirt. I just like I like you. Oh, you're very, you're a very direct person. You tease. No. Why you like tomorrow? I state my gross.
Then what is an indicator for her to know that you are looking for
romance? I think I, to be honest, I think Nick is just saying this right? But he
do you baby talk with your partner?
Not really. I don't, I
don't believe that's a lie. I know. I don't see
how you flick. You got a reason. Honestly, I think I got, but I can't demonstrate how I flirt. You know what I mean? It has happened in a moment. It's no, but honestly, humor will win.
I think humor is so important. Yeah. Someone recently asked me, like a friend asked me what is the first thing that drew you to? As I was telling him, I had a realization and I learned this for the first time that I was, I immediately felt so proud to be myself. Like, you know, sometimes when you're having a crush on someone and you're trying to suss out their vibe, you don't know if you can be entirely yourself without scaring them away or like maybe you have different opinions and you
don't want to show your cards too soon. That kind of hesitation, right? It's not like a, I can't wait for you to know who I am. It's, it's like a, I'm actually so proud of myself and I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. I felt like I could finally be 100% me and I would be accepted. It was like a safe space. Judgment free. Yeah. It felt like he would just really accept me for who I
was when I feel the need to hold back certain things or certain traits about myself I feel unsafe. I feel like that person wouldn't like me for this specific trait. So then it's very hard for me to invest my emotions into this person. Yeah, I think it's a clear
indicator that it is not the right thing.
So actually, like, how do you, how do you get into a relationship? How do you dr define the
relationship? Oh, for me, I got it. I got a tattoo of Charlie's drawing, right? So we were in a
commitment. OK? 100%. So have you on my forever.
So we were like, we play a lot of online games like drawing games, right? Drew, I took a screenshot about his drawing because his drawings are very child, like very cute. Yeah, they look like a three year old. Drew them. Yeah. Um And I saved them and we passed by a tattoo parlor and like, OK, let's just do it like this is the first time in my life, I've flown like 10,000 miles to meet someone. Even if we don't end
up together forever. I want to remember this day, you know, so I was like, OK, let's just get this drawing. So I got a drawing that he drew and this is supposed to be a lamb. By the way, it's not a lamb show, the camera, it's not a lamb. OK. So anyway, I got it done. And then after I was done, I was working with him and I said, oh, what are you going to say to my friends when they asked me, like, what this is? And then he said you can tell them your boyfriend. No.
You know. Yeah. After that, I'm like, ok, my current relationship, I was the, oh, how
did she ask you? I
never knew this because she said that she want to be sure. But I really, sure. Now I still remember we were supposed to, we were traveling the next day. But then I was damn sick. I got fever and everything. So I passed out at home and I said, OK, I better recover before we fly. So then the two hours that I was passed out. No, no, in the apartment then inform the message that said like, oh, I stay mine. She didn't say that. Is it like,
will you be my boyfriend
or what? No, I stay mine. I can't remember something like that.
One of the first things that I always do in a relationship, not like a lot but is figure out love language. Oh OK. There's words of affirmation, touch, touch, acts of service, gifts and
time. So actually after entering a relationship, right? Do you try to change your love language or adapt your partner's love
language? Because I'm a very vocal person and I talk to process. Whereas my husband is the opposite of that. He needs his quiet time to process when he doesn't talk to me. I feel like we are not processing it, like we're not processing the problem.
We're trying to work our affirmation. Yeah.
Exactly. And I was like, actually I am now disrespecting his process. The way I express love is through words of affirmation, but he didn't need it. And in fact, it would stress him out even more. And it took me a long time to realize that I am doing it for me to feel better about his problem. Yeah. So we found a good balance. Like if he's not feeling it, he tells me and then I'll know that it's nothing to do with me and I'll just give him
space. So I love language is different.
I love languages are pretty different, but
I just need to give and take.
But I do feel like your question is interesting because I have kind of adapted to it because the way he gives and the way I receive can be different. But if I know that that's how he gives, then that's how I will receive it. Also the question Paul,
what's something you still refuse to eat? Salary? Huh? Ok. It was a but then I get it. I get it. But in stews. Ok. So minimum five.
What is one green flag about yourself? I think I'm always willing to listen. You're
going to laugh again if you could swap souls with someone for a day, who would it be? To be honest, I'll stop with Nick because then I can travel a lot.
I'll be Nick. Then I'll be like, oh, I hustle too hard today.
He's giving shack bite. But I think I would be very curious about a day in your life because you wake up at 5 a.m.
and you drink three liters of water
and then when I drink three liters, oh, my most days I wake up at five AMI sleep at 12. Sorry, I sleep at 4 a.m. It's not enough. Don't do that. Try and get 78
hours. I am very confused.
So our attachment styles can also significantly influence how you experience love and relationship. Do you all know what your attachment styles? Ok. Do you know what it means? No, actually today is the first day that I found out about attachment styles. OK? An attachment style. People will usually want answers if your partner doesn't text back. You, you never you overthink about like where are they, what are they doing without me? Are they talking to another girl?
I think they are always questioning whether like things are going the right way and then avoidant attachment styles are known to have a bit of a complicated childhood. Their parents weren't really there. That's why they are more avoidant. So they will avoid any conflict or confrontation. And when there's a problem, they rather run away than to talk about it, then there's secure, which is the best, the best kind you, you technically people should aim to be
a secure attachment style person. And then there's disorganizedd, which is a mix of anxious and er avoidant. So for the longest time, I thought I was anxious, but I realized that my anxiousness is only triggered when I did an avoidant because that person doesn't want to sit down to talk to me. And, and there was this one incident where this guy, he just for, for one week, I was, I realized I was suppressing my needs and like, why should I do that? And eventually I texted him first.
Ah and I realized like, wow, he truly is an avoidant person. And we were just opposites during
the test. They ask you a lot of questions about your mom, your dad or your mother figure and your father figure in your life, then your partner. And at the end it said I am anxious but I feel pretty secure in my relationship with my husband. And then I remember that they asked a lot of questions about your parents. And I remember answering it was at the far end always. And I'm like, ok, interesting.
I avoid avoid, but I feel like I already knew that. So with other people, I am super avoidant like I don't really talk about feelings. Yeah. Or I will talk about it very matter of factly. Right? And then I think with my partner that is probably the most emotionally open. I am ready. But even then she also gives feedback that quite emotionally locked up. Yeah. I think a lot of it stems from my childhood because I was the oldest child, material comforts and needs were always met. So I got no fear.
I don't have any fear of being picked out of the house or abandoned or anything like that, but just the emotional side of things, my parents generally left me to go and figure it out. Yeah. So, even now I'm also always like whenever I'm going through stuff, I'll be like, I want to, I prefer to deal with that myself. Actually, I think most men avoidant. I wouldn't categorize them as avoidant totally. But they rather process it on their own first. They want
to be left alone. Then the women will always be OK. Sorry, I shouldn't generalize. But then a lot of women that I know would rather talk about it right now we solve it, then go to sleep, you know. Yeah.
I think a lot of that also is a direct cause of the way society expect men to just have it all together. You have feelings, don't talk about it. That's how our parents were. Yeah, like men don't cry, don't show any sign of weakness. And as a result, I feel like it trickles down
into how boys are raised. I have a guy friend who is very, and when we're in a group setting and we are all like sharing, you know, we play like we're not really strangers and they actually vocalize that, like, oh, you know, I've actually never been able to talk like this with anyone. Not even my sister, it's not even my family because we're just not like that. Yeah. I
think I'm not very in tune with some emotions. Like, what
she says this with the most.
I don't think I name some emotions. I don't really connect with sadness. I'm either, like, frustrated or angry or anxious. You have never really labeled your feelings as I'm sad right now. Like you say, I'm angry. I'm frustrated. When was the last
time you cried? 20
18 yesterday? Huh? Fire fires and air cry. No, you're kidding. Is that right?
So that's
ok. Yeah, I think so. Punch in tune with happiness and all the other stuff. But do you think that you're suppressing quite happy with the way? I
mean, it's functioning and you don't feel like every time you want to cry, you push it down. I think you don't even feel like, yeah, I
think you can really
actually you said you are avoid it but then you are direct in your delivery when you are communicating things. Do you feel like there's a clash? I
think the positive, positive messages and communication. I am comfortable being direct but maybe if it's like confrontation or conflict, then not. So, so for you guys, what do you think sustains your relationship and the love that you guys have? Who deep questions, avoidant attachment style trigger.
It's ok. I can answer first. I feel
like this episode is draining him because he needs to reflect and evaluate his emotions. I see his eyes drifting away every day. Just wake up and just love love. I want to have that kind of brain. I want to feel less. You know what I mean? No, I don't think, no, I don't want to feel, I don't, I feel like I sometimes feel too much and it can be a burden. But anyway, going back to your relationships and how you sustain the love for my relationship specifically, we try to,
we value new experiences. So travel or like trying out new things. Yeah. No, I do think that trying new things gives you the opportunity to talk about things and reflect on those memories every day. Stay home, watch show we talk about in the future. There's no newfound interest. I think a lot of times the thing that sort of keeps things interesting, right is you see how your partner reacts to new experiences and new things and then you can communicate. Do
you like this? Do you not like this? And then you learn new things about each other? So I think a lot of times what keeps relationships going, right? Is discovering more about each other and I think that is supposed to continue until you die. Yeah.
I think, I think communication matters the most sometimes when you are having arguments too. Like a lot of times in previous relationships, I found that I listened to reply, like I listen to quickly find a counter. And in my relationship now I listen to understand because we are
different culturally. We are very different too. So there are certain things that, you know, I have to understand that if he does, it's not out of malice or ignorance, it's just like he just, he really grew up differently.
What about the people who choose to be single? Do you think that their attachment style affects whether they choose to be single or not? And then the relationships that they have with their friends and family,
I feel like attachment styles don't necessarily have to correlate with romance because it's the way you view relationships, right? And the way you problem solve. OK. Based on your dating experience, how tough is it out there?
It's rough guys. It's rough. It's really rough if you go and ask all your single friends right around our age. I think there are two things, dating apps wise. The pool, the pool is, I want to say not great, but you see the same people on different apps. I feel like everyone is kind of like also having failed connections is really quite tiring. After a
while, you have to constantly put yourself out there. Start from zero. Have the whole, what's your favorite color over and over and over?
You have to be vulnerable all over again to someone new and it just, it's just a very tiring process. I have a single friend girl who said that the ship has sailed for people our age. The next ship will come right with the divorcees. But she said like the prime age is from the uni until like maybe two years after uni still got a chance. Then by then everybody partnered up already. But
I do feel like there is this pressure like, oh, you're 28 and too single. Are you one like that? Is it a too picky?
But
what's wrong with being single at 28?
No guys? I want to jump on that. People always say that. But what's wrong with having standards because you only have one life and if you want to choose the right person, why should your bar be low? I think there's nothing
wrong with it and there's nothing wrong with wanting to wait until the right person comes like we can totally function as single people. So after everything that we discussed, I think falling in love sounds like super fun and great. And it's always like, you know, you see the butterflies but it's not always a bill of roses and it actually is a lot of hard work and commitment to keep staying in love and in your relationship to make it work. Just choose love guys every day. You wake up and choose
love. Yes. If you want to be single, be single. If you want to be attached, be attached. Thank you so much for watching the hotpot. We are also on Spotify Apple Podcast and me to listen
and please leave us a comment down below on why you love being in love, your favorite love stories or why you love being single. We want to hear all about it and
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