Episode 5: Woof

The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumhouse Television, and Amber twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised.

Okay, Cavin my tale.

OI, this is all out of order. The werewolf attack doesn't come until minute twenty. Hang on, Sorry, but context here is important. Without the preceding nineteen minutes of drawn out diatribes and overshares, the fun werewolf stuff won't make any sense. I mean, it probably won't make any sense regardless, but that guy's gotta try.

Ah.

The stakeout a staple of any good mystery, or, as evident by its appearance in my own little story, a staple of potentially bad mysteries too.

Just the very.

Conceit of sustained, low key surveillance feels contrary to my skill set. I've only been parked across the street from the Ludlow Lodge for an hour, and I am already jumping out of my skin. What what was I saying?

Oh?

Yeah, the steak out at the Ludlow Lodge. See it may not be apparent from my cool and collected demeanor. Fuck yeah, I found a gum. You weren't under the seat, But I'm still a little shaken from the Bellboy and conquered the other night.

Look.

I knew that threesome would be awkward, but I wasn't expecting Bellboy to go berserk and force Matteo to inhale his sketchy poppers. I mean, that's the type of kinky list on your profile. On top of that, given that this is the very same Bellboy who was on duty the night Santy disappeared, that makes him my prime suspect, my only suspect, and suspects do suss things, hence the stakeout. Yeah, I gotta say I like metal as much as the next guy, not very much, but the notification tone rattles

I guess.

And then there's the mystery of the dwindling profiles. I've noticed recently that every time I boot up the app, there are fewer and fewer guys on. You'd think it's just a user exodus to some newer and better hookup app, but no such app has hit the market. Ooh, this guy's cute. He's got kind of intense features, but it works, I think if you're into like guys with really intense features. His username is p N Peter P like Portuguese Navy

You?

Ugh, nothing that exciting. I just got back from class.

A Crestwick, right, what made you choose our little old institution?

Well, I always dreamed of coming to a big American international.

School, So you came to Crestwick.

Oh, I was duped everyone he looks the same.

Yeah, I mean Crestwick's idea of diversity is having a Jamba Juice and smoothie king on campus. So yeah, Hey, what's pn P stand for.

Party and play? I'm having a few people ever to kick it and chill.

I like to chill sick.

I'm by the corner of Orange and Ricewood. You know where that is?

Negatives? Can you drop me a P and.

Pin calculating joke?

Yeah? I know done? So are you coming over tonight?

Am? I coming over? It's not like I have anything else going on tonight, and Matello still won't return my calls. No, no, no, no, I can't focus, Dame. I need to find Santy. That's my top priority right now, not frivolous parties with cute metal guys.

Oh, I'll get it, pe and Pin like p and Peter. You didn't mention you a funny?

I mean, okay. On second thought, though, it's not like Santy is going anywhere.

Right arriving at your location on the lamp as.

You said, I guess I'm not sure. I haven't been here before.

Oh okay, Oh.

Please don't say it. Don't say it. Don't stay safe tonight, bro, God damn, they always know.

Diamion.

He and Peter Hi?

Oh, just Peter is fine.

Just Peter is fine. No, he's coming towards me. Is he going for the hug? The handshake? Dare I even think it? The cheek kiss? I'll play it safe and choose hug no to me?

Oh whoa a hug. That's a little guy, don't you think?

But but, but but we are gay, not me, not anymore?

What's your laugh?

You have?

Friend? Oh kitty cop no.

To self, never be loocid again.

Can I take your cut?

Oh yeah, thank you? Oh here I brought pretzels.

Why why?

I mean, it just seemed like the thing to do. I didn't want to show up to a party empty handed.

Oh you die, You are Fuddy Cove. The others are redly the kitchen Elias big Top. This is danging.

Oh shit, it's big Top, my chiropractor, Comrade Damien Jesus Christ, the runaway bottom who lots too unpack about that statement? How are you a big top?

You mean since you snuck out while I was in the shower and blocked me on metal.

I'm great.

Thanks, that's a relief. I thought you'd be mad.

Watch it had a hell of a day, and the last thing I need is you stalking.

So funny he brings that up. See as it relates to stalking Big Top, it might be prudent to jump back to this morning's stakeout for a sec. Tired of my fruitless surveillance mission, I was just about to call it quits for the day. Oh when I saw it? Hold up, I'd had my camera trained on the third floor outside bell boys room, but suddenly I'm drawn to movement. A few floors up, a door opening, a door marked

Sorry, you two have history. I'm getting another drink.

It feels like I'll need it.

Damien, this is Elias. Any bad blood here I should know about Elias.

What to say about Elias? You know he has a kind of children of the Corn energy about him.

No bad blood to speak of. Nice to meet you, Damien.

Ah, that must be the final guest.

Oh, no fifth voice to try and distinguish. Okay, new plan. Alias seems to have a little cold, so let's just crank that up a bit to set him apart.

No bad blood to speak of, I mean better, Ah, that must be the final guest.

So we've got Elias who sounds like a sickly Victorian child, Peter with the Afrikaans accent, oh la cravra, big top, who talks like he's always trying to locate his last brain cell.

I do not resort to add hominems.

What else did that baby dick say about me?

And then whoever this final guest is? With any luck, he'll have a lisp beer. Oh thanks, Elias, I was just thinking how nice a beer would be.

I know you were. I'm an EmPATH.

Oh.

I know it sounds a little nutty, but it's true. I can feel for other.

People, right right? Wouldn't that just be like empathy? Though I think we all sort of have that.

You know, it is different impaths can sense people's.

Energies, right right, A hot take. But what if I told you people don't have energies, they just have like personalities.

Well, whatever you want to call it, yours is cynical.

That's we can agree on. Do you go to Creustwick?

Yeah, I'm a senior double major in medical science and chemistry.

Chemistry. I wonder if you knew Santy?

What about you?

Uh, sophomore journalism.

For real bro journalism.

Name one cool person who's into journalism, Veronica Mars.

Bitch if you want this sees uh.

Matteo Damien, Uh huh, No, way, I'm out.

What's wrong him?

Damien's what's wrong?

I can't be around him?

Right now?

Wow, it looks like you make a great impression with everyone.

Little d Oh, shut up, big.

Top jail Bras. Just because Diamond has an unattractive personality doesn't mean the evening is ruin. Right now, everyone follow me to the den and let's party, Matteo, can we.

Don't worth a shot? We turn into the den, my god, Peter, buy some artwork and take a seat around the coffee table, upon which rests a colorful array of poppers like a ton of poppers. Why are there so many poppers?

I told you, friend, PNP party and.

Play right right? Wait, defind party.

Oh jesus, Damien, this is painful. Party and play doesn't denote a regular party. It means drugs party and play.

Oh oh oh, I can't believe I brought pretzels.

Matteo's correct. Usually it's something a little harder than poppers. But it's a school night, all right.

This is such terrible representation. I'm so sorry, dam Are you okay to answer Elias's question, I am so not okay. I mean, listen to these paper brands, Surge, Slam, Berlin, Blitz, Musk, Agent Orange. Why not like half hearted sexting or absent minded jack off?

Alright, gits, now that we're all acquainted, I want to play a game. All right, A couple of you already know what. The prize for this game is more poppers, not just any poppers. The hookup? Who familiar, Damian?

Who familiar? Those are really dangerous guys, Matteo and I saw a guy turned completely psycho after inhaling them.

Oh stop, Damien. The hookup didn't make bell Boy crazy.

Being crazy made bell Boy crazy.

Well, and maybe.

Also a lack of access to affordable mental healthcare.

The hookup just made him horny.

I took a whiff and I'm fine. I actually loved it.

I've been looking everywhere for the hookup but can't find it.

Is that?

Is that why Matteo is here for the hookup?

I have to second that I've taken the hookup a handful of times and felt nothing but wool brind is oving bliss. Yeah.

I've tried the hookup before, Big Top you too?

Yeah, so what.

I found someone cutter than you and he offered?

Did he like try to kill you afterwards?

Dude? What is your problem?

Anyway?

This spottle of the hook cup goes to tonight's winner.

Fuck yeah, the Teo is obsessed with the hook up, but he can't be like addicted, right, I mean, you don't get addicted to poppers like this, and yet his eyes are bulging like he needs them. I don't trust those paupers, and I don't trust the control they have over him. I need to win Peter's game and keep the hook up away from Mateo. I owe him that much. Maybe this is how I boil the centipede. Fine, count me in what are we playing.

Well, it's a little social deduction game, as anyone he played Werewolf.

Werewolf, I've paid that. We call that mafia back home, But it's the same principle. One person is secretly assigned the role of werewolf and has to avoid being detected by the rest of the group, who are assigned the roles of innocent.

Villagers.

Oh, I know this game. Every turn has has a day and night cycle, right, and then during the day everyone tries to suss out who the werewolf is.

M The day cycle ends once the group reaches a majority consensus on who they believe to be the werewolf, at which time the accused player is eliminated but bye. But if the group votes incorrectly, the werewolf may choose one player to mauld to death. During the following night's cycle, this repeats onto the werewolf has either being correctly identified and eliminated, or the werewolf overtakes the final villager.

So it's like Survivor, except if you vote out the wrong person at tribal council you get mauld.

Yeah. I've never watched it, but sure. Anyway, there's one more variable, though, one more in addition to the werewolf and the Villagers is a third row, the Oracle. Before each round, the oracle may select one player to investigate and will learn whether said player is wear Wolf or Villager.

I don't need ESP to detect the Damien's are simply little furry.

I am gonna pm pound your face in big top boys place.

Please, Mattia, could you hand me my ipado?

This is gonna be chaos.

Okay, pass it around and then put your name. The app will randomly assign your role and they can be only one Werewolf. Oh bummer, Damien.

I'm sure you would have enjoyed getting spit roasted by them.

I let that one slide, because honestly, he's not wrong. Werewolf the game founded on the tenets of distrust and betrayal. You'd think this would be a source of anxiety for me. Here you go, dam But the truth is where Wolf is my game. If anyone had stopped to think about it, they'd realize how perfectly suited I am for this. Mitteo would, Doctor Wiley, would Santy would? Because I'm a liar, I'd bend the truth to serve my needs, and I've betrayed

Day one.

Begin all right, gang, we are ready to begin. I'll read the intro m. The year is fourteen forty five. Gutenberg has just invented the printing press, and already people are committing to zoom book clubs. They'll only join once. Running low on witches and gay to burn, the clergy folk have set their sights on a new peril lurking in the umber.

The werewolf?

Is that actually what it says?

Sh Still, you've never actually seen this fabled beast with your own two eyes, and you think to yourself, oh, this werewolf prattle tis nothing more than the drunken ramblings of the village sought, which reminds you where did your dallying farmhand run off to? Alas you sigh, heading off to the barnyard to check on the chickens. Chickens, you call a pray, Tell have you seen? I'm sorry, what is that accent? But you stop gasp and clut your pounding heart, for all of the chickens have been killed.

Nay mauled.

You gather in the town square to share the horrid news with the other villagers, and it's not long before you reach a consensus. There's a werewolf in our midst.

I think Damien's the werewolf.

What Big Top value entitled to vote? However you please? I encol you to accuse people based on logic rather than emotion, like would the oracle please make themselves known?

Me?

I'm the oracle, and I checked Elias's identity.

He's a villager, So Mateo is the oracle. Huh, this will be more fun than I thought. Wait wait what no, no, no, I'm the oracle. Guys, wait there are two oracles.

No one of them is lying.

Damian.

If you're the oracle, who did you investigate.

Any menie mine? Big Top and I learned he's a werewolf.

I am not a werewolf.

That that's a goddamn liar.

Right.

You know I'm gonna turn your energy into your outerge.

You'll brunt see were wolf. I'm officially casting my vote for Big Top.

Relax, Big Top. This is how the game is played Elias, Uh, I can see your gears turning anything.

Well, based on what we currently know, it's probable that one of the alleged oracles, Damien or Matteo, is the werewolf.

Well that's a fat lot of help.

I wasn't finished.

Hmmm.

Regardless, there's a fifty percent chance that Damien is legit and correctly declared Big Top the werewolf, So it would behoove us to vote Big Top out rather than risk eliminating the true oracle.

I'm wet.

What screw that man, I'm officially locking in my vote.

I vote Damien.

Yeah, I vote Damien too. I've learned it's generally safer to assume he's lying.

Fair enough, but I'm abouting Big Top.

What are you fucking kidding me?

I just fucked up so bad, but none of them seem to have noticed. See when I declared Big Top of the werewolf and then he was proven to be a villager, that definitely makes me the fake oracle. But if I can just you know, keep tensions high enough to make everyone fight with each other on a personal level, then I won't have to worry about anything.

Which leaves us tied at two votes for Damien and two votes for Big Top Elias. Would you care to break the tie?

And que and passioned plea for Matteo in three two.

Calm on, Elias.

You know I'm legit.

I declared you a villager.

If I was Awarewolf, I would have lied and said you were awarewof to divert.

The blame unless you wanted us to think that.

Well, I have no idea what's going on.

I shoot Elias the tiniest smile. He shoots me the tiniest smile back, and my strategy is working. If I can get Alias thinking with a different organ than his head, I may have a shot at pulling this off. And yes it's fine. I also want to make Mateo jealous.

Okay, sir Elias, what do you say?

Sorry to PN pile on, but I vote Big.

Top, you little fucking comm napkin.

I'm gonna rip your arms off and use them to Night.

One begin Werewolf. Select a player to.

Maul Starlight Starbright. Whomever shall I maul Tonight? My choices are Matteo, Elias, or PM Peter. Killing Matteo at this point would implicate me, and I don't want to kill Elias yet. For no other reason than my desire to see him smile, which only leaves.

Day two, final round begin.

So you gather in the village square, only to discover the barely recognizable viscera of Peter.

Oh hell, which.

Just leaves myself, Matteo and Elias.

Can we hurry this up? I'm kind of over it.

Don't worry, this won't take long.

I Matteo, the True Oracle.

Investigated Damien last night, confirming my suspicion that he is in fact a werewolf.

Lies.

I'm the true Oracle, and I discovered that Matteo is the Werewolves.

Throw down, Elias, what do you think?

Uh?

Yeah, this should be an easy call, Elias.

Damien is lying through his snarling k nineteeth. He framed Big Top, he killed Peter, and now he's trying to frame me too.

No one actually got killed, Mateo. It's a game. It's just for fun, you know what.

It's not just for fun, Twinkie, it's for the hookup.

And it'll be an ice cold.

Goddamn day in hell before I led a dim wooded quadrat like.

You mess this up for me, Jesus, Matteo, listen to yourself.

Listen to myself. That's hard, Damien. Over the sound of you, I fucking this po dunk milk toast over here.

I'm voting for Mateo.

Dick, of course you are fine. Then I vote Elias because fuck this and fuck you.

Oh well, that makes one vote for Mattio and one vote for Elias.

Damiens you, okay, as the tiebreaker and decider of this final tally, I vote Elias as well.

Final answer, Well, then Elias, you've been eliminated from the guy Damien, why.

It's a valid question. Although it didn't really matter how I voted, I would just maul the other person in the night and win either way. But it's time for me to take accountability. Normally, my instinct would be to vote out Matteo. That way, I could just hide behind the flimsy excuse of majority vote. But it's that type of behavior that attracts more centipedes. If I'm going to fix things with Matteo, I need to confront him head on and teeth first.

Begin, Okay, m.

Gavin Matale, is he gone shit?

I've always wondered whether silver bullets really kill a werewolf. It seems so simple, but they say one little bullet to the heart is all.

It takes the heart.

Then, I don't think you need to worry.

I'm doing this for you to protect you from the hook up. So you can say whatever you want and I'll take it because I'd rather you hurt me than hurt yourself. Now game over.

The werewolf has overtaken the final villager. Congratulations, I'll go to hand it to you, Diamian.

That was expertly played. Thanks, and a deal is a deal making you the recipient of tonight's price.

Oh look up, they're all staring at me. Now, why are they all staring at me?

Go on, little d take a hit.

You earned it.

Oh you know, I'm pretty congested today, it turns out, so I will just take them to go.

Come on, Dinian, it's rude to leave with that pod tyke in in party five.

I recognize that sound underscoring Peter's movements, that nauseating crackle. I recognize the angry shade of red. His face is turning too, and the veins throbbing under his skin. Bell Boy got the same way before he attacked us.

One hit is all it takes.

Big Top two. Is anyone here not a pod person? Okay? Sure, why not. I could stand to loosen up a little. Let me just run to the bathroom real quick. My bladder contracts when I get anxious.

allR you back.

Pro tip uncomfortable specifics. Discourage others from questioning your life.

Use this caution.

Okay, let's see okay, window window.

M hm m.

Come on, hey, little d what's going on in there?

Man?

Chop chop?

Come on?

Dimion?

Shit shit shit shit?

Why won't this open?

Be by bo bumb?

I'm gonna make Damien and hell these poppers until his stupid face goes numb.

You take his arms and I'll grab the poppers.

Get off me. What do you want for you to join us?

I thought if we let you win the game you didn't have visual in your ride, But it's never.

Easy join you.

What the fuck are you talking about? You let me win?

You really haven't figured out what's going on. You're supposed to be the little detective.

How do you know about me? Oh?

Man, that is so much better. Oh well, you get it soon enough. Take a big with my bro. Whoa what just what is what is going on? Who are you guys? Why are my bath.

Room something just something just shifted gone or the glossed over eyes and pulsing veins. It's like Peter and Big Top just snapped out of a trance. And that's my cue. Matteo Elias, where are you guys?

Fuck dude, my head is killing me.

You know what, second thought?

I feel the great top of the world, Odamien, Where art thou?

Whatever this hookup berserker spell is? Peter and Big Top are back under its grip. Fuck this, I'm out of here. Sorry, Matteo. I hope you already got out what Peter said back there.

You really haven't figured out what's guying on here? Bro.

He acted like I should know, Like there's some big picture I'm just not seeing. Oh, screw off Metal. How come every hookup I find through you ends in trauma? It's no wonder so many people are dropping off the app.

It's a piece of wait.

And then there's the mystery of the dwindling profiles. I've noticed recently that every time I boot up the app there are fewer and fewer guys on.

Is Big Top into women too?

Too?

Whoa a hug?

That's a little guy, but but we are guy taking.

Big with my bra.

Written and directed by Noah Feinberg.

That's Me.

Sound design and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman, starring Noah Feinberg as Damian, Ray Santiago as Santy and Mateo, Nico Greatham as Wade, Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as Big Tough, Jeffrey Self as bell Boy, Tina Majorino as Doctor Wiley, Obia Bailey as p M Peter Gabrielle Ruiz as Joma, Sadie Dickinson as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey, Susan C. Bennett, Verona, Blue Mark Bramhall, Brian Daniel Porter, Chris Dickey, Aaron Cocher, Christopher Corbyn, Kiff, Fandon Huy, and

That's Me.

Executive producers from Ember twenty David Thwaites and Jimmy Jellen. Supervising producer Rachel Foley, Editor Noah Feinberg. That's Me,