Episode 4: Boiling the Centipede

The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumhouse Television and Ember twenty listener discretion is totally advised.

Love Though County Psychiatric Health Center.

Have you tried exercising.

Damien Santi a nervous I wasn't until you asked that.

Oh, you're right, nothing to be worried about. They barely do the bottomies anymore.

Eh.

Look at this. It's called the Japanese Mukad centipede. They're like Kaiju, big and super aggressive.

Oh wow, yeah, that thing wants to fuck you up hard.

And it says they have really good sense of direction, so if you throw it outside, it'll just find its way right back into your house and you can't squash them or else. They release a pheromone that attracts all the other centipedes in the vicinity.

Then what do you do surrender your home to the centipedes?

Well quote of nat Geo, the only way to kill the mukad without summoning the whole is to boil it alive.

Okay, can we just get back to talking about the bottomies?

Please? No, but you're welcome to head out. I appreciate the ride over, but you really don't need to wait for me. I can just uber back to campus.

Are you kidding and miss this? Edited for TV version of Grow Interrupted weird choice for a psychiatrist office. Besides, I want to meet this doctor Wiley character when she comes out.

I gotta ask her her intentions with my Boyoh show her my shotgun.

That's awfully territorial for someone you're not even dating.

I don't know when i'd say we're dating.

I mean we go on dates, we go to the dining hall.

Do mind?

Meal swipes mean nothing to you?

They mean everything to me. That's literally what I'm saying. I really really like being with you.

Then what's the problem? Why can't we just enjoy enjoying each other?

Okay?

How can I put this in Damien terms? Oh, we're more than nates, but less than soulmates. We're consummates.

Consummates Yeah, yeah, like mates who also consummate the relationship.

No, I got the joke. It's just not really accurate though. I mean, we haven't actually consummated anything. Do you want to?

I haven't pushed for full consummation because I didn't want to pressure you. But if you think you're ready, I would love to slide my lobottomy. Pick all the way up to your brain.

That's That's like the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. It's a date, Dani.

I asked about your week, right?

Sorry? Uh, spaced out. I started seeing doctor Wiley about a month before Santy went missing, and not for any single reason. I just always felt like maybe the way I am inside isn't like the way I'm supposed to be. And I like doctor Wiley well enough. She takes my insurance and hasn't been sued for malpractice in this state. But if I'm being totally honest, I'm not sure what

Do you or have you ever had thoughts about hurting.

Others just in general or right now?

Do you have any children?

I already ate? Thanks?

Why Damien?

Sorry? Sorry?

Uh?

What was the question I asked about your week?

Right? M M honestly not the greatest.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Thanks. I remember that guy I was telling you about last week, Matteo.

The one who looks like your ex Santy.

Yes, your honor, that one. Doctor Wiley knows all about Santy, just except for the whole he vanished into the night piece. As far as Doctor Wiley knows, Santy and I just had a bad breakup.

And how is it going with Matteo?

Ummmm, I'm a doppel ganger of your missing X.

Are you shitting me, Damien Teo?

Oh, and then you have the audacity to act like I'm the crazy one for falling for you so fast. Meanwhile, you're playing out some fucked up lookalike fantasy? Is that why you hit me up? Is that why you hit me up in the first place? Because I look like Santy? No? No, nothing, you have nothing to add? Okay, well, yeah that's a first.

Tail.

What are you doing the same thing Santy did?

Getting as far away from you as possible?

Wow, that sounds like it went about as poorly as it could have.

Yeah, twas not the best. Still, I get where Mattella's coming from, wanting more with someone who just doesn't have more to give. I was in his shoes not too long ago.

You would be referring to your relationship with Santy.

Yes, yeah, kind of a role reversal when you think about it. Back then, I was the one who wanted to be official.

And Santy didn't. I thought Santy was your first time.

Okay, so you're right and you're wrong. The truth is, although I told you Santy was the register in which I swiped my V card, I haven't been totally fourth. Right, there was someone else before Santy. But to really understand what happened, we have to go all the way back to freshman orientation week, Damian. Uh hey, it's Meg.

I led the orientation seminary yesterday.

Oh right, I totally went to that, Amien.

And just don't worry about all this, Okay, I am a cool all right, all right?

Thanks? Uh do you know my roommate Jacko.

We met last night at the Crustacean Ball.

I'm sorry, the Crustacean Ball.

Yeah. Our school mascot is the Crustwick Crustaceans. So the Crustacean Ball happens every year during orientation week.

Oh okay, so it's like homecoming.

Now, homecoming is homecoming. This is the crustacean ball.

I okay, go on, So, Dame, what's it like living with Jack?

Uh? Pretty much just like this?

Oh you're so lucky.

My roommate developed skaties on her face the second night, so I'm making her.

Sleep in the library to look clears up.

Oh, Wade over here, Damien.

This is Wade.

He and I went to high school together, even dated for a second and seventh grade.

You couldn't get.

It up though.

Wade meets Damien. This is his room.

So man, thanks for letting us Kicky.

Yeah, no problem, No problem, bro, I'm confused.

So this Wade he was the real person? You lost your virginity too? Yeah, but you told me it was Santy.

I told Santy that too, So.

You lied to me.

I didn't not engage in a mild falsehood.

Yes, do you lie often?

Wait? I prepared something for this exact situation. Where is it? Okay? So you know how in competition reality shows, the host is always bringing on special guests, and you know they'll make a huge deal, like this week's guest photographers none other than the Jeremy Swindon and all, like the models will go as if anyone has ever heard of Jeremy Swindon.

Well, I think I may actually have heard of him.

What No, I made him up?

You light again?

I'm making a point. Mmmmm. So just imagine that moment if all the contestants stayed quiet, smiled and nodded, but didn't even pretend to know who this Jeremy Swindon is.

Yeah, I suppose that would be a little rude.

Way rude, riddled with shame. Jeremy Swindon would have gone home that night and drunk himself into a stupor, passing out with a lit cigarette and burning down the house. Okay, Well, so if you follow that thread, you could logically argue that sometimes it's wrong not to stretch the truth. Hm, not the enthused response I was gunning for anyway. A couple weeks after meeting Wade, I was at the library, rushing to meet a deadline for the Barnacle.

The school paper.

I presume, right. Oh I must have dozed off.

Hey, Damien Wade, Jess you.

What are you doing?

Meg told me I might find you here.

Oh okay, Uh, what's up?

Nothing?

Nothing? I almost just had a heart attack for nothing.

I never see you anymore.

Oh yeah, Jacko actually got busted for trying to grow shrooms in the community garden. So we're easing up on the parties. Not even the cool ra was cool enough to let that slide.

Brutal. Oh sorry already to hear that. But we can still hang out though, right.

Did you know Wade liked men before this?

I barely remembered Wade existed. It made sense, though, I mean, it's probably why he couldn't get it up with Megan in the seventh grade.

Okay, did you guys, did you fool around in the library that night?

Wade wanted to, but I declined. I knew this girl in high school. His boyfriend went down on her in the library, and to this day she can only get off if she's surrounded by all thirty two volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Which edition, Uh, not sure. Anyway, since both our roommates were home, Wade suggested we take a walk around the badminton courts instead.

Okay, okay, your turn. What is your biggest dating pet peeve?

I would have to say useless dating apple bios such as like you know of sushi, travel and watching Netflix, as if that doesn't describe ninety five percent of the California population. And don't say you like to watch Netflix. That tells me nothing. Tell me what you watch on Netflix. It's like it's like saying you like using the toaster.

It's almost as bad as looking for someone to go on adventures with.

Yeah, like what does that mean? What adventures are? Are they referring to sunken pirate treasure?

Like?

What is that anyway?

Uh?

Well, seeing you tonight was I don't know, a pleasant surprise. I guess well after the initial unpleasant surprise.

I am known at times to be surprisingly pleasant.

Did that conversation actually happen? That doesn't sound like how people talk.

Maybe you don't run in witty enough circles.

I'll take that into consideration. So was that the night you and Wade had sex?

But we did get to third base on the baseball field.

When you say third base, are you referring to the third base.

Or uh, just like third base.

As in the actual physical third base on the you know, the baseball diamond.

Oh yeah, it was definitely physical.

I don't okay, never mind. Was it a positive experience?

Yeah?

I mean right up until it wasn't so you can't tell anyone about this? Uh huh, I'm not out. So you need to keep this completely between the two of us. Oh h.

Totally.

I'm serious, Damien, no one can know.

Are you still paying attention? Why do you stop taking notes?

No, I'm I I'm sorry.

You're right.

I've just heard this story so many times.

Oh, I'm sorry? Am I boring you? Doctor?

Oh?

No?

Of course? Please continue. So you and Wade were the overplayed closeted not closeted relationship show. That must have been difficult for you.

It was. I mean, before Wade, the most I'd done with the guy was make out. Now suddenly I was experiencing all this exhilarating and scary sex stuff, but I couldn't talk about it. It became very isolated.

Damien, grab your shit.

We are gonna go get a blackout at the froo Place again.

Jesus beg, who let you in my room? Hi? Aren't you banned? If I'm going back to the Froyo Place anyway? I can't I have a thing tonight? Sorry?

Meg uh yeah, right, that infamous thing we've heard so little about.

Okay, you know, if you're going to keep blowing us off. At least be upfront about it.

I'm not blowing you off. It's David.

You've been about as fun as a kronoscopy lately without the tingling sensation.

She did not say that, No she didn't, but I could tell you were drifting again. Regardless, the point remains, the longer Wade and I were intermittently hooking up, the further I drifted from my friends.

Why did you keep seeing him?

Hm? The question in question. I still wonder that myself. I mean, there wasn't even anything about Wade that I particularly liked, but it was a new kind of attention for me, and I mistook the intimacy for affection. Thankfully, the stuff with Wade cooled down once I started seeing Santy for a while, but then came the annual Brine Shrimp charity luncheon for a degenerative bone disease. I had assumed that Santy and I would attend the galap together, but when he told me he had other plans, an

I was that the end of you and Santy n He.

Bought me a Costco Truro and we made up like two days later, right before I started seeing you. Actually, I do stand by how I felt about the situation, but I also recognized my reaction was perhaps a little extreme.

And was said extreme reaction having sex with Wade during the two days when you and Santy.

Were apart yep. Pissed at Santy, I texted Wade for the first time in months. I asked if you wanted to hang out? That he knew what I meant. He eventually replied, putting me on stand by.

Wade put you on stand by?

Oh yeah, that was his shorthand for I'll text you if I'm able to sneak you into my room without anyone seeing us together. Hmm. The hardest part about the sworn secrecy was that no body could point out to me how Wade was, to put it lightly, the absolute fucking worst. No one to call a Wade a spade.

If you will, calculating joke score, I give up.

Not even a gosh dang chortle.

Is that what you focus on during these sessions? Making me laugh?

Uh?

Oh? Cover blown abort.

I've noticed how you tune out. Sometimes it's never for long, just seconds at a time, as if you're you're thinking really hard. I want you to try something for the remainder of today's session. Don't think, Okay, just talk to me.

Okay, good?

Now, let me ask has anyone ever told you that you use humor to avoid uncomfortable situations?

She did not just say that, are there any centipedes nearby? Because my blood is boiling? Yo?

Fuck?

What?

Fuck? That?

What you're doing right now? I want you to stop the internal monologue. If you have something to say, just say it out loud.

Well I would have if well, I would have said it out loud if you had a better sense of humor.

Doc, Okay, let's continue. So you were on standby for a text from Wade that the coast was clear, right.

Well, Finally, by the mid afternoon I got the text.

Ow.

A sorry, zoned out again. I was just thinking about that affordable and functional product. Anyway. Finally I get the text from Wade. What was this message?

You can come over now use the back entrance.

Wade sounds quite troubled.

What Wade is trouble? I was the one being troubled.

Well, it's common for people who display this type of behavior to actually be deeply insecure themselves, and they're only taking out their insecurities on others.

I do not subscribe to that philosophy the whole. He's only a bully because he's insecure. Line like, Hello, I'm insecure, but I don't treat people like barn animals. No, certain kids aren't bullies because they're insecure. They're bullies because they are rotten. And while we're dishing out hot takes, let me just say, all dogs do not go to heaven.

Do you think Matteo would agree?

Probably? He says drug sniffing dogs are class traders.

Do you think Matteo would agree that you never hurt people out of an avoidance to address your own insecurities?

I mean do I? Well, what's your point?

There must have been a reason Wade didn't feel comfortable coming out, and just like you, those anxieties drove him to act poorly.

Wade is not just like me, and that's such a double standard. I mean, why is it okay for Wade to be a dick to avoid uncomfortable topics? But I'm getting spit roasted for making a couple of harmless jokes. You know what, don't answer that. I just want to finish the story. It's me, Damien.

Hey, come in.

Thanks. So are your roommates at the luncheon?

Yeah? Cool? Your hands are shaking?

Are they sorry? I'm just a little nervous. I guess I'm sorry I brought my vapor.

Yeah. We should really get on with it. The guys are gonna notice if I'm not back soon.

Right, Sorry? Yeah? Sorry? So have you ever done it with? The word virgin is so antiquated? Like am I being sacrificed into a volcano to reawaken the ancient ones?

I can't speak to that, but I have fucked for the first time before.

Oh splendid anything I should know?

Yeah, Damnien, stop talking? Why back.

Eighteen minutes? I checked the clock when I got there. I was in and out of his room in eighteen minutes.

Here puncheon's almost over. My friends are expecting me back.

So oh oh yeah, right, yeah, sorry about that.

I'll yeah, I'll get.

Ready. Whoa, Damien, are you crying? No? Okay, yeah, so let's bounce. I'll text you when I'm free.

That sounds like a are you disappointing.

First time, disappointing in myself. Yes, I'm not wired to hold my tongue when someone cheats me that way. So I didn't Wade.

Damien Meg, Hey, why do you look so guilty right now? Were you just smoking pot in the dorms?

Kidding?

That's totally fine. I'm a cool all right?

Remember?

Oh good, I forget and yeah, we were just pre gaming the Brian Trim Charity luncheon. I ran out of week, so Damien brought over his vape, right, Damien, Damien, I said we were just vaping.

Right, you were high, Wade, You never fucked me sober?

You outed him?

Oh now she's paying attention. Eh, don't make me feel bad. You're supposed to take a neutral tone about everything.

You outed him. That's a very serious thing to do.

I know, and I wasn't planning on it. It was just just hurt and embarrassed.

Have you and Wade spoken since then?

No?

I generally avoid him at all costs.

So there's been no apology from who? From you?

Negative?

Are you sorry?

I mean, I'm sorry about how it all went down. I acknowledge that I broke a colden rule.

But are you sorry for outing him.

Okay, so here's the thing about him. Look, Wade finally came out this year, and he's doing swimmingly like talk about adapting.

Well, so you feel like that means you don't owe him an apology?

No, but it means I'm less inclined to give him one. I mean, my God, is annoying. He's so woke now ever since coming out, his social media is all about LGBTQ activism and gay rights legislation and kidneys for starving k orphans.

And this is bad.

It's annoying. I spent a semester feeling like the little shit about myself and my sexuality because of his unaddressed bullshit. But now he gets to be celebrated for his wokenness. Well, I still feel well.

On the bright side, it sounds like your virgin sacrifice placated the ancient ones.

What's that? Did you just make a joke?

Looks like that's all the time we have today. I'll see you next week. Try to consider what I said burying the hatchet, I mean truly making amends. It can alleviate you of weight you'd forgotten you.

Carrie, right, Thanks Doctor Wiley TV's playing Cuckoo's nest today. I'm sorry? What is going on? Oh?

And Damien, you can think now?

All right?

Back in business, neural pathways are up and running. Come on, weren't there any spicy hot takes I wanted to dish back there?

Burying the hatchet, I mean, truly making amends. It can alleviate you of weight.

You'd forgotten your Carrien ough, Oh god no, not that. Doctor Wiley's advice is never supposed to leave the threshold of this office. You can't bring that shit home with you. The thing is, I know she's right. The way she talks about truly making amends. It's like it's like that mccade centipede I saw on nat Geo. I have all these centipede in my life, like Wade and Matteo, and I don't deal with them properly, so they keep coming back in droves, causing deeper cuts and bigger blow ups.