Episode 3: Drinking from the Holy Grail

The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumhouse Television and Ember twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised.

Welcome to Ludlok Cafe. Can I take your order?

Hi? Can I please get a large cold brew with a shot of espresso?

Absolutely?

Your name Damien?

Anything else?

What do you want?

Just a black coffee.

And the black coffee please? The name on that one is Santi.

Great and you're actually all set on payment?

The person before you took care.

Of your order?

What really really?

The last twenty or so cars, I've been passing it on paying for.

The next person. Oh okay, in that case, I'll also take an almond croissant and everything bagel and one of those little cake lollipops.

Oh are you sure you don't want to pay for the next person's order to keep the chain going?

Okay? Okay, so hear me out. Oh boy, if every car receives one order and pays for one order, isn't it essentially the same as everyone just paying for their own? I mean, is buying the next person's drink really altruistic if you didn't even buy your own to begin with? Moreover, the first person's kindness ultimately doesn't achieve anything until someone

Jeez, Duane, any orphans you want to run over while we're here?

Am I wrong?

I think you're missing the point.

Boo, boyo.

The gesture isn't about receiving money.

It's about making someone smile, passing on something to be happy about, even if it's.

Just for a moment.

Order for Damien and Santa, that's us. Well, boyo, I feel momentarily happy about my free drink, So I guess it worked. Hey, this isn't what I ordered. I'm awake. I'm awake.

It's Matteo. Let me in.

Matteo dropping by unannounced. We met like a week ago, one sec.

Damien, come on, open.

Up, good grief, mataio chill. I prefer to be medicated before receiving visitors. Is there anything better than movie characters who take a lot of nondescript hills for some nebulous mental illness were never told about. It's like she's tough and complex. I'm coming.

Him sorry for dropping in My ball landed in your backyard.

And all my irritation at Mateo melts away when I see him. It's unclear these days whether that's because of him or his resemblance to Santy, but I'll take it either way. I like your dorm, Clifton Hall. Baby. The only thing more laid back than the RAS is the fire safety Protocol.

How many times have you used that one? Are you ready for the midterm?

Mid term? He says, midterm?

You say yes, ethics and journalism.

I'm really not too worried. I mean, how hard could ethics in journalism be? Just like, don't be a dick? Wait, I feel something. It's it's a joke for me, don't be a dick dick. Dick also means detective, private dick. There it is private dick. I'm solving a mystery through sex and haven't made a private dick joke until now. Ah, but what's the actual joke? Mmm mm hmm. You need a little help, Joma activate.

I've told you many times, please do not call me Joma. I am joke machine Model three point one three.

Good to have you back, Joma. All right, so can you help.

Me out analyzing private dick for humor potential? Please check back later.

Hello, any went home?

Ah ha?

Hi?

What were you saying.

You're gonna regret not studying?

Who said I didn't study? I've been deep in research mode.

Have a look porn? How is that studying?

It's not just any porn Mateo's threesome porn?

Is this medieval freesome porn?

Heck? Yah, I think it's like a king Arthur Lancelot Merlin thing.

I've brought kings twice your size to their knees offer, and I shall do it.

I can't.

All Yon Nagels good shit, right and perfect research for tonight's carnal tryad. Okay, here we go. Fifteen second recap. I've been trying to question the bell boy from the lead the lodge motel turned apartments, but per our metal chats, he's only looking for threesomes. But then Matteo said he'd be willing to be the third, even though I just threatened him with broken glass and anyway, that night I DMed bellboy, hey, you still looking for a three way?

And he said sure, you got someone in mind?

And I said sure, do. When are you free? So he said Thursday, And I said, well, I guess we'll all go to the grave, wondering what I said next, You dare test me, foul wizard past thou bull witness to my heaving meat sword excalibur.

Heed my warning, lest I make the mice.

Wild about the threesome thing. The more I think about it, the more unlikely. It seems that the bell boy is somehow connected to some system appearance and or your stalker.

Hey, do you want to borrow my fuzzy socks real quick?

What?

No?

Why?

No?

I thought they might help with with your cold.

Feet calculating cold feet joke score seventy one percent sick.

I tell you, I'm so sorry. That wasn't nice. I just like genuinely wonder if I have impulse control issues sometimes, Oh, are you mad?

No?

I wish you wouldn't always use humor to deflect difficult conversations.

It's not the first time I've heard that, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Santy felt similarly. And I know that when multiple people give you the same feedback, you should take it to heart. But honestly, I find that critique annoying. And choose to remain indignant, Like if I wasn't born so naturally funny and personable, I would just have found a different way to deflect. Okay, ignoring that, so you're not confident that bell Boy is a worthy candidate to be my stalker, and let me put your

So what hotel employees probably got a discounted rate. Besides, your stalker had a Crosswick bad midten hoodie, meaning they're likely a Crosswick student or alum. If bell Boy is the stalker when you have recognized him from school, I.

Mean, I think you overestimate how many people here I actually know. Anyway, Exhibit C. Twice now twice has bell Boy asked if I've tried the hookup?

Okay, case closed.

That's suspicious. I mean, I mean, what if the hookup is the code name for some secret new drug and then Santy found out about it and then he got silenced. Yeah, I know, Hey, if you don't want to go through with this. That is totally fine. Really, there's no pressure, I promise.

I appreciate that. But no, it's fine. I'm just psyching myself out. Can we at least get dinner.

First dinner, before our first threesome? I mean, obviously, should we invite the other guy too quick?

We must consummate the triad of ex caliber, whilst the nights of the round table their witness. Can we turn that off?

You don't want to know how they consummate the triad of ex caliber.

I'm more focused than the triad of Ludlow Hills right now. Anything else you can tell me about this bellboy guy an exhibit D.

I'll show him my Exhibit D joke score below ten percent initiating forced sleep protocol.

Hey, that's not fair. I didn't even say it out loud.

This is the Ludlow Lodge.

Yeah, home to some of my favorite life altering tragedies.

And it was just renovated this past summer. It looks io.

Yeah, I think renovation with a very soft r. The only real addition they made was the pool.

Their pools new.

M hmm.

I was just thinking that kind of wet cement construction could make.

For easy body disposal, especially for someone with.

Easy access like a bell boy. Oh oh shit, I didn't mean that Santhia's body would need disposing of. I'm sure the only thing under that pool is the Native American burial grounds.

We with this albatross hospitality? Yeah, yeah, cheer up, boyo?

What did you just call me?

Boyo?

Where'd you hear that.

From?

You?

You called me that the other day?

Did I? I guess it's possible.

Here we are, Room three ten.

Take this is this mace? You brought mace to our threesome?

Duh?

You suspected this guy might be your stalker and you didn't bring any protection?

Well, I mean I brought m never mind.

Wow, you were just about to make a condom joke, were you?

So?

What if I was, I'd be making a Spanish inquisition joke right now too, if I wasn't afraid it might be offensive.

What I'm not Spanish?

Yeah, that's why it would be offensive.

We're walking into total uncertainty. But I'm glad you're having fun.

Oh great? So is this the Damien uses jokes to deflect from opening up and being vulnerable. Bit again, your words not mine? But yes, hey, Damien, hold on bell Boy. That is so unfair, Mateo, How can you accuse me of not opening up to you when you're literally the only person I've told about sansum about my situation.

Because as far as I know, you only told me so I join you in this.

Three okay, Hi, sorry about that. I was just enjoying some beguiling repartee with my friend Mateo, fire, come on in. Unlike my chiropractor friend fake Tal, who lives just a few floors up, bell Boy has done next nothing to turn this hotel room into an apartment. He even kept all the nautical hotel art. Yeah. Can I get you boys a drink? Sure?

Yeah? No thanks. I like to keep my wits about me, all right.

A beer for Damien and some wits for Matthew m he could use some wit, all right.

So is this be legid or part of some like role play thing?

The only roleplay Damien likes involves medieval times.

And mad respect little man. I think you'll appreciate these then boom medieval weapons, print boxer breeves pretty fire right.

Be still my throbbing. All that studying is about to pay off. They're magnificent. Fuck well, I mean you must be a real weapons expert. I wonder, though, are you trained in the art of the shoust?

I will have you off your horse and on your back before you can say malonde.

So uh, yeah, how long have you lived here?

Mattyo's right, can't lose sight of the investigation?

What uh since the summer?

I don't, I guess. And this was a hotel before that, right? Yeah?

I actually worked as a.

Bell boy here when it was brought out to become apartments. They offered me discounted rent if I stayed on working maintenance.

So yeah, Mateo flashes me, and I told you so. Glance and honestly that's fair.

Yeah, what's with all the questions? Shit, wait a minute, I know who you are.

Who I am? I don't even know who I am? Still, I don't want him recognizing me From the night Santy disappeared behind bell boy. I catch Mateo slowly reaching for his mace.

You're the guy I ran into last week out in the hallway.

Oh oh, was that you? Small world? I brought condoms? Should we use them? I mean that would be the idea. I'm not on prep right now.

Or should we keep it a secret? What it could be an experiment. You don't know who's wearing one and who's not. Why would we do that Schrodinger's rubber, It'll be like we're protected and.

Bareback followed I'm sure by Schrodinger's burning sensation, well peeing, uh.

Yeah, no, thank you? Yeah, maybe next time?

Hey, can you two hold down the fort for a sec? I have to use the en suite.

Yeah, watch out for the lamp cord.

Okay, if I was a clue, where would I be? I'm not even really sure what I'm looking for at this point. I mean, Bell Boys seems pretty innocuous, and I'm sure Mateo would have said something if he recognized him from the badminton team. Also, I do acknowledge my compulsion to criticize other people's homes, but this bathroom is

Joe's still invaded dead things. Please check back later.

Sweet. I'm pretty much ready to declare this lead at dead end, but there's one more thing about Bell Boy. I want to check off the hookup? What is that?

Which I didn't even know was possible.

I thought syphilis was mythical like camel up.

Hey, bell boy, who's up?

Little squire.

On metal? You said you have the hook up? Do you think I could get hooked up higher?

Oh?

I thought you'd never ask. Okay, we're it up with. Here we go and there it is the hookup.

Poppers, Oh, poppers?

Yeah, but I mean these aren't just in me poppers and this is the hook up?

Oh fuck?

Ellboy throws his head back, his face suddenly all red and flush, and the veins all over his body start to literally like pulse. I lock eyes with Potato as if to say, is that what poppers normally do? He shakes his head and widens his eyes and concern, as if to say, not like this.

Oh man, Oh, it's like drinking from the Holy Grail. Here you guys drive dry before my rush words off.

Oh yeah, we're okay, thanks for real.

Come on, it'll make fool like the best sex you ever have.

Right, it's just having the best sex of my life at twenty seems like I'm setting myself up for a lot of future disappointments. How fuck does that sound? Was that? Let us his neck?

Don't be a web. Take a fucking web.

God, you are going to regret that. Hell boys either are bleeding now, like in a really not good way, but they're still wide open, like completely unfazed.

Amien, watch the lamp cordmen.

Damien, Damien, Damien.

You hit your head. You've been out for six minutes. Lasting brain damage will be significant, but you like we won't notice the difference.

Why am I in the bathroom? Why am I tied up in the bathroom?

I believe you're a sailant wanted you momentarily and disposed so he could focus on Mateo.

Just take away and I will let you go.

Fuck Matteo, go Matyo. Well, okay, focus, How do I get out of this twine? Is like boy scout nodded, No, I'm getting that untied, but I think my hand can just barely reach the sink behind me. Uh toothpaste, dental flossy? What's this?

Yes?

Of course, the curling wand my own as caliber heating up. Come on, I need to be out of his bathroom. These goddamn starfish are mocking me, locked and loaded. Okay, if I can get the wand up against the big knob between my hands. I should be able to see her through the twine and get free. The only issue there is that my range of mobility is mind. I can't get the wand to touch the knob without also pressing into my wrists. Yeah, okay, Damien, be brave. Oh

Me joke understood. The curling one isn't actually touching the twine and you're burning your arm for nothing, just kidding?

Did I get it?

Don't look at it. Don't look at it, don't look at your Holy fuck, I can see bone, Jamien, you starfish coming with me?

Just an alex, your tight.

D don't bother. We are checking out.

What wait?

How did you slam bellboy from behind the honey and he gets an ugly wallpaper sliding the starfish out of my pocket with my free hand. My experience at the Ludlow Lodge this evening has sucked ass, and for that I give you one.

Star, calculating one star joke score plus ten percent for the hotel reference, plus ten percent for the starfish stabbing one star connection.

Joema, you don't have to explain my joke. Now it's like a thing and the moment is gone and it's like uncool. But what's the score? Nine fire? Come on mateyo, we have to go get up. Come on, I got you?

Oh my head.

Hey no, don't worry. Beat red and veiny is gonna be a very good look on you.

He was right?

What when he said the hookup was like drinking from the Holy Grail?

Uh yeah, let's get back to campus. I don't get it. Why didn't you turn into a rage monster?

I don't know. Maybe Bell Boys Hoopers was unrelated to the hookup.

So then the hookup is just normal poppers?

Then no, no, they're not normal poppers. I don't even know how to describe it. When I inhaled the hookup, it was like nothing I've ever felt. I was unbreakable, and my lust to test that power was insatial.

Sorry, that was just for the before everything went wrong segment of your intervention episode. Oh and don't even start with the using humor to deflect nonsense. I almost seared my arm off today saving you.

Oh come on, okay, your arm's not that bad.

He's actually kind of right. I may have exaggerated earlier when I said I could see bone.

Besides, I was only in danger because of your stupid threesome in the first place.

I said you didn't have to go through with it, Mateo. You had a choice.

Oh yeah, two great choices.

Put my life in danger or spend all night thinking about the guy I like sleeping with someone else.

I didn't know you still had metal on your phone.

Fuck, I'm mateyo, Damien, the private dick joke is ready?

What you've been working on that all this time?

Can I wait negative for a maximum jokes for it? It must be deployed now.

This is bad, way bad. Like I know this is a moment where I'm supposed to reassure Mateo and gently remind him that we're not dating or exclusive, and yet I just can't resist.

It's requesting permission to deploy joke.

I'll fuck it deploy. There's a lot you don't know about me, Mateo. I guess you could say I'm something of a private dick. Are you kidding me? Joma, that's the joke you've been working on all day? I just fire bombed my relationship with Matteo for that.

Perhaps you don't understand you're private because you don't open up a lot.

Oh my god, Joma, don't explain your jokes ever, Miteo. Fuck, Oh my god, I don't know why I said that. It's that thing.

I just forget it, Damien, just forget about it. I can take a hint.

I'm a smart guy. I helped you with your little threesome question. Now you're done with me.

Perhaps a joke would lighten the mood, Joma, power down.

I don't get why you're acting like that, Like, if you have an issue with my sense of humor, why are you even hanging out.

With me for other reasons? Damien. God, people aren't friends with you because of your jokes. They're friends with you in spite of them.

Oh yeah, then why are people friends with me, Matteo.

I don't actually think they are.

Hold up, what's that.

In the drawer? This photo strip?

Hm? Oh yeah, I forgot that was in there. It's from a photo booth at this lame pop up bar. I went to a son with Santy.

He looks just like me.

Well fuck.

Written and directed by Noah Feinberg.

That's Me.

Sound design and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman. Starring Noah Feinberg's Me as Damian Ray Santiago as Santy and Matteo, Nico Greatham as Wade, Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as Big Talk, Jeffrey Self as Bell Boy, Tina Majorino as Doctor Wiley, Obi Abiley as PM, Peter Gabriel Ruiz as Joma, Sadie Dickinson as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey, Susan C. Bennett, Verona, blue Mark Bramhall, Bryan Daniel Porter, Chris Dickey, Aaron Cooker, Christopher Corbin, Kiff, Vanden Hoavel and