Richard Raymond is a true storyteller who as a kid found meaning and belonging through films and the cinema. He spent his life trying to replicate that same sense of belonging in the world around him. But it wasn't until Hoffman that he realized, his greatest sense of belonging was to himself. And as a result, his artistic voice has never been clear. Welcome to Loves everyday radius. A podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Liz Sever and on
this podcast. We engage in conversation and learn from Hoffman graduates. We'll dive deep into their journeys of self discovery and explore how the process transformed their internal at external worlds, They share how their spirit and light now burn brighter in all directions of their lives. Their loves, everyday radius. Hello. I am so excited. To welcome Richard Raymond to the podcast today. Hello. It's lovely to be on this podcast. It's wonderful. Thank you.
Absolutely. Richard I'd love for you just to introduce yourself to the audience, tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do in the world. I live in America, I live in los Angeles. I'm originally from the Uk. I am a film director, and a writer, and a producer. I graduated from Hoffman last October so about 8 months ago. You know, I live in breathe cinema. I'm a father. To 2 amazing young children, a daughter called Rum, and a son called Bo.
I'm married to the most amazing woman. I've ever met in my life called N, whose family from Iran. And and it's just this amazing I'm at this amazing place in my life where I'm post the process, and I feel like the whole world has opened up, and I'm just so excited to kind of... Talk about my childhood and talk about my journey to America and my journey to Hoffman and and how it's really profoundly positively affected and changed me. I always love to hear about especially when I speak to.
Artistic folks, wear that love? So for you the love of cinema, the love of filmmaking that art, where that began because you give us a little insight into childhood and all that good stuff. I think it came from a need to have. I just never felt growing up in England that I truly was in a place where I belonged, and I would always just... Escape,
escape into the movies. I my dad you would always take me to the cinema and, like, most people born in the late seventies, they would go with their parents to go and see Star wars and and all these movies and then later as a as a young teenager discovering films, science fiction films by James Cameron. So it was always this need to want to escape. I would understand the
language of cinema. I and I would keep watching it and keep watching it and understand how visually it was talking in a language that was, a quiet language, but it was a language that meant something at a deeper level to me, and I just used to get totally lost in watching films, And it in a lot to me, I was really unsure if myself as a young child, and there was a lot of turmoil oil growing up around me and my family and constantly being taken out of school and
put into different schools for various reasons. And just the consistency that that safe place was watching films, and I think my love of it began from there. And then, you know, growing up in England, you've you always feel that you're... A long way away from from that world of Hollywood or Cinema.
And then this amazing realization that actually a lot of the films that I loved growing up, whether they were the original Richard Donna Superman movies or or Tim Burton batman, that you see when you're a kid, they were actually shot in England and not
too far from my house. And then I realized there's a bus that went from my house to very close to where the studios, which they were called pine film studios and Sharpen and film studios, where these movies were shot, and I realized that Hollywood actually was actually not too far for me. This was in my backyard, frankly. And I suddenly felt that the window was open the door was open a little bit. And it was something that felt real, and
I wanted to discover more about it. And take us back a little bit more to Notice. I mean, as a as a young kid were you aware that what films what the cinema was bringing you was an escape? Yeah absolutely. I think I I had a very protected childhood. My family, we moved a few times, but essentially we lived in a house in the middle of nowhere. In the countryside in England.
And I I wasn't really exposed to people from different parts of the world and stories from different parts of the world, and I think that Cinema really opened the world up for me. My family had emi immigrated to England from India. And then themselves, they had emi immigrated from India from Iraq. They were Iraqi Jews, and they were called... I think they're nickname the the people they were called Baghdad daddy Jews.
And the Jewish people were exiled from Iraq a long time ago, and they all fled to India where they started this thriving Jewish community in... At the time it was called Bombay. And then when my grandmother she had lived there for, you know, over 50 years, teaching math. She was a math teacher. And my father when he was a young child, they left an emi immigrant to the
Uk. So my my brothers and I have I have 3 brothers and 1 of 4, we would live in this isolated country house But 1 part of my family would talk with Indian accents. And so I knew there was more to life than what, you know, the British half cheer countryside, And I just think the films really opened the door for that for me. And I I love my education was based early education was based on these films. And seeing seeing a world
outside of the Uk. And at that time, did you know that this is what you wanted to do with your life, your career, or was it just this escape that then kind of grew? It happened quite organically. In the Uk, when you're, you know, when you're in high school, and which in the Uk we call secondary school, they give you what's known as work experience in your last year of high school. And they basically select a company that's close to the school that the students will leave for 2 weeks
to go and do work experience. And my teacher had got me 2 weeks at British gas. And there was no way. I was gonna work for British gas. I just just not interested at all. And when I had found out that these movies were shot at Pine Film studios, I wrote Pine a letter. And I actually wrote them about 2 or 3 letters asking if I could have work experience there. And no 1 wrote back to me. I I didn't even know who I was writing to at the time.
But then I read a story by Steven Spielberg on how he had snuck into universal studios, when he was a kid, And I thought, what a Spielberg did that I can do that. So I I lied to my head master, and I told him that Pine would have given me a 2 week work experience. And so my head master canceled the 2 weeks of British gas and said, oh, great. You can... Okay. So you're working at Pine. And I told my dad that I'd had work experienced at Pine and he said, I'll drive you there. Every day.
I was said fantastic. And so my dad, I remember wearing a suit. Which was, you know, oversized suit. I'm 16. I'm 15 years old, and my dad drives me to the gates of Pine film studios. Now at the time there were 2 gates. There was the main gate, and there was a side gate. And the side gate was where all the workers kind of went in. And I said oh, I said to my dad He just dropped me there. And he literally dropped me at the gate and drove away and said, okay. Have a great day.
15 years old, and I up of the security card. And I had this entire elaborate story planned in my head, which was I was gonna tell the Security card, my dad worked in 1 of the stages, and I'm here to meet him. I I had this all worked out, and as I walked up with the security guard ready to tell him the story so I could get into Pine. He just waved at me and say, good morning and open the gate. I just walked in, and that was the beginning of my career in film blessed that
security guard. Out now, Security has completely revamped itself since those days in 19 90 or 19 91, but I I remember I walked into the film studios, I didn't know a soul. I didn't know anything. And I just kind of hang out. And at lunchtime, all these people went into the cafeteria, I was just hanging out in the cafeteria. And I would just start meeting people? Because everyone was like, why is this 15 year old here in a suits. This is weird.
And my dad's tire. I remember I was wearing my father's die. And then, I would just meet people and start talking to them and because I love Cinema and film crews, love cinema. It was just very easy to to make friends. And eventually, I met this older American man who I at the time had no idea who he was, but he was a very famous film director called Blake Edwards, and Blake Edwards said to me, and Blake Edward edwards was is famous for the Pink Panther movies.
And Blake was said to me. Hey, Kid 1 don't you you can come on now. Our set we're shooting. It was a film called return or no son of the Pink Panther with Roberto Ben. Would go on to win the Academy award for best actor and best director for life is beautiful. A few years later, but he was doing a remake of the Pink Panther movies with Roberto Ben. And I said, sure. And then I... I'll never forget the smile. I can still feel the smile when he walked when Blake Edwards.
Walked me onto the set. It was stage d at Pine Studios. I remember looking at the wooden the old wooden floors, and I remember seeing these big kind of electricity, you know, wires for the lights and the set... Obviously, when you walk onto a movie set, the set is backwards. So all you're seeing is like, the the wooden facade of the back of the the movie set, and he walked me onto the set, and it was a hospital set, and I never forget the smile. I just was smiling.
And it was the most magical day because, And they're in my suit I took my jacket off. My dad's got a picture of me that someone took of me by the camera. But I always remember the the D, the director of photography was Dick pope, very famous dp and there was a scene that they were shooting where there was only enough room for the camera operator and the focus pull.
And the camera was right in the corner of the set, and they were filming just a character walking into the hospital room and then and then walking out again very simple shot. But he's... The cameraman could see how excited I was to be there and he told the focus pillar. Oh, Our focus on this. I'll be by myself, Richard can stand in your place. So it was just me and the cameraman, in the corner of this set, while all the rest of the film crew was out the room.
And I heard the director blake was chao action, and I just watched the scene from the point of view of the camera take place. And that was it. I mean, I I mean, I was hooked anyway, but that was putting blake Edwards put me and the director of Photography put me in the shoes of the place of a director. As a 15 year old child behind the camera in a scene, and I got it. It was literally like a jigsaw going click, and I was like,
that was it. And I did that for 2 weeks, and it was the greatest moments of my life when I was a kid and everything changed from that moment on with me and my father could see that this was something. And my mom and they fully supported me. I said, I don't wanna go back to school. I wanna keep working and I've... I've have no idea why they said yes, but I mean, probably because I was just so relentless in my pursuit of this, but they let me just leave school.
I have no education. It's pretty... It's pretty amazing. I've no formal education, and I never really fit into school anyway, but After pink panther, I would just meet people working on other film set. This is work experience. And this is just free work as an intern. I'm just showing up I'm hanging out. I'm making tea and coffee. I'm watching. I'm not really doing anything. I worked on a film called the Secret garden director by Holland. I worked on the fifth element directed by Luke Bass.
I worked on Mtv interview the Vampire, directed by Neil Jordan, got shadow lands directed by Richard Lord Richard Att, and that film in particular was an amazing experience because I was a huge Anthony Hopkins fan, and I always remember just Anthony Hopkins who everyone said call him Tony, came up to me and said, have you met ar dick. I was like, no. And he said, come here, and Anthony Hopkins took me on the set of Shadow lands to introduce me to Richard Att and we just stood there.
Just those 2 and me just having a chat for like, 20 minutes, and it was amazing. And everyone was really, really kind. I think I think a lot of it is to do with that Back then, there was no Internet. There was no mobile phones in the early nineties. So everyone was anonymous, and everyone was a lot kinder. Though I was really really great. And that was my film school and my parents.
And then, you know, eventually, then I just started getting paid, and I hope for making tea coffee and sweeping the floors for I think my plan was if I make really bad tea and coffee, I'll get promoted, didn't happen too quickly, but that was my plan, but that was the beginning of it. What I love hearing in this though is just starting out feeling like, you know, not fitting into home. England's is not really my home.
Finding some safety, some escape in films to finally landing on this film studio, was there a sense of I'm home or this... You know, I I've found part of myself? Yeah. It was... That's exactly how it fell at the time. It's a really powerful feeling to know that you connect to something so young, and it's a really powerful feeling to know that you belong. I think it was less that it was my home and it was more that I belonged there, and more that people wanted me there and that I connected
with... People who loved the same thing that I loved. I think that's what it was because I'm going to some you know, public secondary school in North London where there's a lot of bullies and there's a lot of people just at that point, in most people's life, why should they... Don't know what they wanna do. But I I knew and and it was much more of a sense of belonging. And it's something I I... And it's something I seek to this very day, It's very interesting.
Tell me more about that feeling feeling like you're... You don't belong searching for the belonging today? Yeah. I think it's just, you know, I have a lot of friends, I'm very blessed with knowing a lot of people. But when I when I meet someone who... Has that same love of cinema, there's that connection. When I have someone who understands that path or that that sense of wanting to be part of storytelling in a cinematic way, you can't help but feel a connection.
Definitely being in that environment just gave me a sense of being wanted, and it would only be later where I knew what that was and where that was coming from. But at the time, it was just... It was very powerful. I remember feeling happy for the first time in my life in being in that environment. And it's just interesting I... How I still chase it to this stay Because I, I think a lot of work of someone who's a writer, someone who's a director is quite solitary.
I'm here in my office. You know, I'm working on the variety of... Film projects, but you do do them by yourself. Unless you're collaborating once the scripts are done or if I'm collaborating with a writer, but a lot of my time is spent alone and building to the point where you're on a set again with other people. And so you're constantly trying to get back to that place. Of being surrounded by people that are like you in terms of your work, and there's a lot of love in that for sure.
Yeah. Well 1 tell me about America because I know that you had a box when you were a kid that said Usa on it. Is that correct? Yes. That's definitely the influence of the cinema. My dad had an office in the house and he used to have these folder boxes and I took 1, and I remember drawing on it. The words Usa, and anything I could find from America, I would put in this box. So hub bubba bubble gum, mc hammer stickers, vanilla, I stuff like really silly things. My dad went to a trip. With me
to Los Angeles when we were... When I was 14. And so things I got from my early America trips, I would keep in that box and I and I always knew that I would end up in America. I always knew, and I even remember having this vision, of living on a beach in America, in Los Angeles it's where I now live. I
now live in Malibu in Los Angeles. So it's funny how that manifested itself into reality, but I distinctly remember having that having these visions of living on a beach as a young child and what needing to be out in America. That's where the films were made, and it just felt like a much less repressed society than the Uk. And I love England don't get me wrong My family are there. The country was was really, really kind to me. And England has some of the best film crews in the world,
it's an incredible place to work. But I never felt like I emotionally was attached. To that country. And I think it was because my family were not from England. My dad's side of the family were from India so they were immigrants to that country. And then they were not themselves from India. They had immigrated from Iraq. So it just felt that England for me was a stepping stone to somewhere else, and it felt the progression was to go to.
Somewhere that would embrace how I felt emotionally and it always just felt like early that would be the United States And also, like, the early trips I had when I came here were would were just kind of really impactful for me when my dad took me to the United States. It just felt that this was... It just felt that this was a big country, and you could kinda be anything you wanted to be when you were out here, and that really spoke to me.
But you mentioned finding belonging, right, on on the film sets with the film crew anyone that loved cinema, what did it feel like when you finally... Moved out here to America. It was hard because you haven't got that protection of your
family. You'll by yourself. And initially, you... I'm was not on a work visa so I couldn't work out here, and it it was difficult, but it was it was really exciting, Before I came to America, I actually lived in Australia for a couple of years where It seems to have picked up a tiny bit of the accent, but that was more about just having a kind of a... A
young childhood. But even when I lived in Australia, day 1, I went to Fox studios in Sydney and got a job working at the film studios there, So it's so I was always following my passion for film. And then from there then I moved to Los Angeles. And I started actually at the Sundance Film Festival. Most of my first friends that I knew in Los Angeles, I met lining up to see movies at Sundance. You would meet a lot of friends in the in the lines for movies at Sundance.
And so that was my jumping off point. And it just took time and persistence and 10 tonality of just staying in America and constantly, every 3 months going home and then coming back and renewing my work visa, and then and then finally getting a work visa, and being out here full time. But it it was it was differently hard, but it was it always felt much more exciting than the Uk and the conversations were much more exciting, especially with the types of
films I wanted to make. In the Uk when you're having these meetings with films, it's it's really difficult and the British Cinema embraces a different type of film unless you're in that upper es of of prestige filmmakers at that time, which I was not it's very hard to make ambitious films that have heart and that and wanna say something. And in America, it's just much more open to you there.
It felt like the place I belong, but there was that distance between, you know, bringing it really back to talking about Hoffman. I felt comfortable having distance between myself and my childhood physically and emotionally. And I just felt, like, getting away from that felt like a... Good and a safe option for me. When how did you make the transition then from working on films sets to kind of finding your own artistic voice? And pursuing whether that was writing or producing for yourself.
Well, I would be prefer the film cruise on the sets that I was having working. Experience on, and I would ask them if they would come around to my house on Sundays for a few hours and help me shoot a film. And then I would go to the the warehouse where they got the film equipment called pan.
And I would be friend them, and they would give me 35 millimeter or 60 millimeter cameras from the shelves because And when you're shooting a film back then, you would use, like, a 400 or a 900 foot mag of 35 mil, but they would never use all of it, they would only shoot, like half of it, and they would dispose of the half that they hadn't shot on. It's called a short end. And so I would collect them at the end of every day of filming. And so I had 2 fridge at home full
of film stock. And so I would use this unused film stock from the films I was at in intern and working on in the day, and I would use that to shoot my own very bad films. On weekends with a couple of the crew members that were we kind enough to come out to my house sufficient chips on on a Sunday. And the early films I made were horrific bad, terrible. Awful. My dad still got some of them on tape and loves to show them to me.
But they were truly bad, and they were rip offs of anything that I was seeing, you know, on in the cinema. I hadn't found my own voice. And I truly felt that because I hadn't gone to school properly. I... And I didn't have an education. I felt like I was really... Stunt with what I could say, how I would articulate it and just my sense of knowing.
But at the same time, the the balance shifted because I had this in a talent for the language of cinema, and I had a skill set of knowing about all the equipment and knowing about the lenses and knowing about everything on that side, but I never found in my early days of away to match it with what I wanted to say. And that was because I didn't know who I was. And that took a long time. I remember my early... And like, you know, I used to throw...
Parties in London. And this is how I raised the money for my short films when I was younger. I realized that a lot of people that you would meet, they didn't really care about the movies. They just cared about when's the premiere. So I would throw monthly premiere for a movie that didn't exist. I realized that no 1 really cared about the film. They just cared about wanting to go to a past and I would charge everyone 20 pounds.
Yeah. To go to my parties. And after a year of doing that, I raised a lot of money in cash. And and I spent it all making my short films. I remember my dad saying, are you sure you wanna waste this money? You could buy a house I said, no... I went into this with the intention of I would have this money, and I would make films with it. And that I... I'm not gonna portray. What I said that I would do, and I spent it all,
making short films, but they were terrible. I'd be honest with you, you know, and it's really interesting thing. My first feature film was I shot it in 2013, and it was released thing in 2015, It was a feature film called desert dancer. You know, the actors were incredible. They were so dedicated. But I feel like I let them down as a director because I feel that the emotion film was a was a bit manipulative,
and I felt... That the film wore. It's heart on its sleeve in too broadway and didn't just allow the drama of the film to kind of that just breathe and and explore what was the really fascinating story of freedom of expression? It's the story about an Iranian dancer in Iran true story who
wanted to dance it but in Iran. It's illegal to express yourself in Western styles of dance, and he ends up putting on dance performance is in the desert where the regime will not see him to his fellow students and eventually ended up fleeing to France and is now a star dancer in France, and I and I really wanted to tell his story. But even though the actors were just so brilliant, and the dance he considers his which were choreographed by At gram Khan, who's
an incredible dance chore were really something. And there's still to this state there it's incredible, I just thought that the film as a whole. I I let myself down. I let the story down. Yeah I know a lot of people might hear that. And below, dude, you're being too hard in yourself. But I truly look at that and I was, this is a kid who doesn't know what how he wants to say what he wants to say and how he wants to say it. And what shifted for me was meeting my wife and having children.
And all of a sudden, it wasn't about me. I wasn't thinking about myself anymore, and I didn't realize the profound shift that I had gone through until the following film, and that was a film called Souls of totality, which was shot in 2017, with an actress called Tatiana Mu, and it was shot during... It's the first film in cinema to be shot during a real solar eclipse And so there's a sequence an uncut sequence at the end that goes from, day to night to day again. It's it's really something.
But that was the film that I suddenly... Just before I remember just as we were setting up the camera, I felt very different. And I suddenly was just like, oh, This isn't about me. I don't have anything to prove. I don't need to show with camera moves or fancy this or fancy that. I'm just gonna tell the story and I'm gonna get out the way. I remember just putting the camera back and not doing anything.
And just shooting the first scene really simply and allowing other people's voices to come in and collaborate with me and realizing how I wasn't threatened by that. And realizing how much better it got when I let other people in, the film ended up being brilliant, and I... Just remember how different I felt directing that film, and how it wasn't like intentional. It was just, like, no. No. This is how I've always wanted to do things. So I felt like I finally touched a part of who I
truly was. And for the first time, I wasn't trying to emulate. Somebody I'd had seen when I was a child I was actually using my unique voice, and I was touching upon that, and it felt truly fulfilling. That was when everything kind shifted for me. But I definitely feel that becoming a dad had a lot to play with that, and the realization that it wasn't it's not about me, and and you're here to serve something, you know, a lot more
profound than you. And, yeah. Then and that that kind shifted a lot for me. Oh, and then what brought you to hoffman to even sort of seeking out that type of work in your life at the period of time that you went. I have to give it to my wife for appointing me in that direction, but I think what had happened was... So many instances came up for me where I was just so deeply frustrated and felt deeply stuck I had been chasing a career in the film industry for a very long time. Today, I speak
to you. I'm 45 years old. I've been doing this since I was 15. That's insane. I just think to a bit to have been that amount of time, you know, chasing this consistently. And I had seen many other people leap frog. And do great things. And yet, I just felt like, aside from the work that I was self starting. No 1 was coming to me. No 1 wanted to work with me. All the projects I was doing, I had 4 projects in a row that I spent a lot of time and a lot of money on years.
And I'd had got cast with some incredible actors. I mean, I had people like Tom Hardy and Benedict C batch and Rachel Word attached. And wanting to work with me, but the films would ultimately collapse. I just remember the hopes and the aspirations not just financially, but also just artistic, would all be crushed. And after 5 years of consistent, lee being crushed and just having this deep sense of frustration, I realized that I was really blocked, and that maybe the problem was me.
And I wanted to take... And my wife would always say this that you need to take responsibility for these failures in a sense. Like, these were your projects and she was right. And also think like, my daughter turned around to me, and she said, Daddy, you ever gonna make another film game. And I was just, like, the way a child just cut through all the bullshit and just get straight to the point. I was like, oh my god. And I felt like a film I was like, oh my god. Am I no longer
the bread winner in our family? Like, what am I doing to support my family? I felt like I was failing and I felt anger, and I felt... Straight. And my wife could see it, and she said, you need to talk to some people that have been to something called the Hoffman. I spoke to a couple of friends that have been to Hoffman. And Alumni at the Hoffman, they treat Hoffman like Fight Club. You
never really talk about Fight Club. And this is like, you know, they would just give me an impression of it's a place you're gonna go, and it's gonna be the greatest thing you'll do for yourself. And it will really help you begin again, and it will sort everything out. You need to do it, So I didn't know what it was going in, but I said, okay, and I went in with total naive.
I didn't read up on it. I think it's almost as if I pushed it to 1 side, and I was like, I'll get to that when it's in front of me. And even though I was filling in the questionnaire and doing all the pre process work, I wasn't really taking it in. I wasn't present I wasn't truly considering what it was. I was putting it off, and that again is a reflection of just how blocked I was.
For all of my love and enthusiasm and positivity about my past and about the projects I wanna do, 1 by 1 they would all fall. And what was left was just the shell, and it was really difficult. I wanted to do something I wanted to make a change, And I didn't know what it was, but but that was what was pointed in my direction, and I was so grateful to N for. For doing that. And for the friends that spoke so highly of Hoffman before I went there as well because they were the ones who who got me to
go. So what was it like the first? Few days at Hoffman. Where everyone all my classmates laugh. If they're ever listening to this, they'll laugh again, but I was... I showed up, and I was like, okay. Where's the spa? You know? I was like, I really thought there would be, like, some yoga, maybe some 1 and 1 meditation. Some counseling. I had, you know, and then you're sat in a room, and you're given a 3 inch 4 inch thick binder, and you're like, okay, the work begins. So it was a bit of a shock
to be honest. But if I'm gonna do anything, I do it properly, and I was committed. I just went there with an open mind, I'd dad no expectations going in totally naive. But once it was clear what it was. I was ready to learn. And I think a big help was being cut off from the outside world and not having my phone, And that was probably going in the most difficult thing and whenever I speak to anyone that's going to half minutes always the thing
that everyone talks about, you know? I'm not gonna have my phone I'm not gonna be able to talk to anyone for 7, 8 days. What's that like. And I think a lot the anxiety about that is only before you go. When you're when you're at Hoffman, and it's gone because you're surrounded by 29 other students, you're all in it together and and it's this incredible patchwork of support, and everyone's on the same level. You don't really think about your phone at
all. And I'm I missed my kids very much and my wife, and I had a couple of pictures of them, Oh. I always look at night, and I knew they were thinking of me. And But but I was there to be a better dad. I was there to be a better human being. And as the days at Hoffman progressed, I realized. You know, how powerful this journey was that we were on and how the hard work that it took.
While you were at Hoffman was going to be really fruitful, and it felt like that nothing else mattered, and I was doing it for for myself. And by doing it for myself, I would ema a much more positive light to the people I loved And so I was doing it... Because my family had given me so much, you know, my wife and my kids. They give me so much. I... And I just felt like I need to do it for myself. So I can be better for them. What was it like to dive back into
childhood. Sometimes I know that that... Even though students know that's what we're gonna be doing, you know, the depth... To which we do it can sometimes be dis disoriented. Yeah. Well you realized that everything that you thought was very surface. It's initially.
And then I think what Hoffman does so well is that it enables you to peel back the layers, and not just be awareness hell but actually, have compassion and understanding for who you actually are because of who you were as a child, And I I never took the time, and I never had the tools as well to to be able to to look at my
past. And actually remember, a lot of the amazing things about Hoffman is because you're so focused and cut off is that you actually remember things that you've long... A ago forgot. And it was just a very very fascinating time, really going back into the childhood and remembering and being a child again. And I think a lot of that is you're using your childhood name when you're a hoffman, childhood no 1 knows each other by their real name. So everyone's everyone's on the same level.
And it was... I had the most incredible bit of sync in the first minute, I was at Hoffman. I grew up in a house, 44 Russell Lane in East Barn in London. It's and just the numbers 44, I hadn't seen together since I left that childhood home. And I I shopped Hoffman, and they say, oh, your dorm room, your room is is in this building. And I went there and the numbers, on the door were 44. And as soon as I saw that, I suddenly remembered of being at 44 Russell Lane as a 5 year old. And I and
I thought, wow. Did did someone hoffman know that and do their research and then put me in this room And I still to this day think that's what happened because it's too much of a powerful sync. But I remember day 1 minute 1 having that realization, and that's sunk coming deep into my childhood, just seeing those 2 numbers on the... On my dorm room, and the simplicity of the dorms, once you get over that,
after 5 minutes. You know, it's like, wow, I'm I'm I'm actually everything stripped away you're here for you. I said this before, but I just think that everything I had thought before was very surface. And this really enabled me to actually see what my childhood was. I said to my teachers in my pre process phone call with them. That I I didn't have any trauma. Other people have trauma, not me. I've had no I... My parents were great. Everything's amazing, and they said something
to me. That did not make sense to me at the time, but then during the process, became very clear, which was Trauma is very relative. Everyone experiences trauma but in the very relative terms. I always thought Trauma was someone who had, you know, suffered something terrible. And you realize for the process that there are many traumatic events that happened to you as a child, and they really have quite a profound impact on who you end up becoming and shaping your personalities and your patterns.
And I think that's what going into my childhood and recount events made me realize. There were traumatic events in my childhood, and, you know, I've now remember all of them it can go from the big events, like, we had a house that we had lived in for 10:12 years. And that house was stolen from us, and we were evicted from that house. And because of that event, my parents broke up. And it was a huge moment of shame, and that was what propelled me to go
live in Australia. I wanted to get away from that sense of shame, that my family had failed in a sense. And it's a bit of a long story, but the short version is is my dad couldn't get the house rem mortgage. So he signed the ownership of the house over to his sister, and he would pay her the money. And she sold the house, kept the money and evicted us. And this is my mom is a doctor trainer. We had 7 German chef And you know I'm the oldest of 4
brothers. And so the family which scattered, my mom went to live in council house. My dad went to live in the small apartment, everything, and my brothers went off to university. But our home base, everything was just taken and it ended up being, like, a 4 year court case between my dad and his sister that he eventually lost. So it was just a terribly awful moment in my childhood. But to remember big events like that, and then just posting them against very small minor events.
That actually had an even bigger impact on me. I think you know, having that moment to really short for yourself and to really have a moment to look inward and to remember, a lot came up for me. It was really fascinating. And also to check in with yourself as well. That was the 1 thing I really appreciated about Hoffman was just actually checking in with you and checking in with... And being able to understand these...
As hoffman as the 4 parts of yourself, the quadrant and just being able to check in with yourself and have time for yourself. The these things were really, really helpful in terms of accessing the past as well on the memories. When I'm curious of how developing your artistic voice. Right? Kinda taking responsibility for your life and events and finding your voice again, how that transpired during your week at Hoffman? Well, I think the biggest takeaway in the biggest...
Lesson and realization that I had was that I didn't love myself. Look, it's sounds so ridiculous to say, but Like I actually really didn't love myself at all. I had a lot of self hatred. Had a lot of shame. And I didn't have much... I didn't even know what compassion meant, frankly. I didn't know what forgiveness meant.
I've always been told you're just like your father, or you're just like your mother, You know, all these things and to under stand what that was and where that came from and to really break down the things that I was most unhappy with, in my life. These patterns I would go into. These feelings of anger, these feelings of frustration. These these feelings of failure, and I'm realizing that actually probably, most definitely all stem from this feeling I had that I wasn't good enough.
I never had an education, so I shouldn't be a top tier direct. I winged it as a kid. So it I don't belong in the same room. I shouldn't be winning the that movie instead of that other filmmaker who went to harvard or yeah or whatever. And then realizing, no no. I am good enough. You know, and I love myself. And I need to treat myself with a lot more love.
And also, like, I started to recognize the patterns that I from my parents, but I started to realize that it wasn't their fault, and I truly forgave them and I truly had compassion, add And I realized all the issues I had around my with my mom and with my dad and the breakup of the house and the shame that I felt, through the process I was really able to go into that and realize how it... It truly isn't there
fault. And to realize that 1 of the reasons that I hadn't been able to be the man I wanted to be, to physically be the man I wanted to be, to emotionally be the man I wanted to be to be the artist then I wanted to be. Was I had touched upon that sense of who I really was during my last film, but I didn't know who that was. That was just a fleeting moment, to really find out who I was uniquely inside my right road, and my right path, and then to bring that person out and all of a sudden,
I just felt that I'm good enough. But 1 of the most profound shifts in my work that I had after Hoffman. And I I say this to anyone who who's considering going that as an artist. Is that before Hoffman, I always felt I had to collaborate with someone. You know, I had to collaborate as a writer, or in it ears producer with somebody else. And I had spent the last year and a half kind of working with other people to try and right. The script that's based on my childhood
in a way. And after Hoffman, within 2 weeks, I finished the whole thing by myself. It was like the plug was... I suddenly had this plug been pulled out of me, and it all just came out. And I knew what I was doing was good, and I knew I was good enough. And I think that all came from understanding that I love myself, and that I'm worthy. When you talk about who you are inside, I think a lot of it has to do with, you know, loving yourself and and
knowing you have worth. And I and I think often for that, the process because that that was the most important thing that I got from from it in that sense. And and then from there, so much, so many other things have happened. When hearing just the steam through adulthood child. Hood... I mean, both childhood and into adulthood of, I don't belong. Where do I belong, and it sounds like you ultimately through self love, through self worth, I am good enough, found true belonging, but in yourself.
Yeah. So when you peel back the layers. Kind of this cyclical conversation we're having is that I didn't need to go to a film studio to belong. I didn't need to escape England. It's and go to Australia or live in America to belong. I didn't need to put all my hopes and aspirations in a box called Usa to belong. I didn't need to make movies I belong because I'm me. I'm here, and I exist, and I'm a dad. And I realized I... You know, I'm not here to create.
It's that's a bullshit term. I'm I'm here. And I wanna feel good about whatever it is I do. And whether that's going out with my family, whether that's right. Or making it feel Whatever it is. I just wanna feel good and know it's coming from the right place. I wanna use my voice. See People would always say I'm very loud, and I think that was because I wasn't being heard, but now I feel like I don't need to project myself in such a way.
To be heard because I don't need to be heard, and I need to prove anything. I'm kinda cool with it, you know, you know. So that that that was kind of the the echo of Half afterwards. And the other magical thing. Is that I've met 10:15 people that have been to Hoffman since they came back. And each 1 of those were realizations, so I could hear the way they were talking. And I was just say, have you peter a Hoffman, and they'd be like, oh my
god. Yeah. I went 10 years ago, And it'll just be so funny how expensive the community is, and I must have met so many people in the past that went and I didn't realize it. But now you realize And there's, like, a brother and this... Just between ex graduates. It's amazing. No. You can't see me, but I I've got a huge smile in my face because I I got a front row ticket to lodge your transformation and see you and remember of those first days and then really hear
you speak about it. I'm just so thrilled for you, and I to thank you so much for your vulnerability and and sharing your story with us. Look, I have to take, Look. I think everyone who goes to Hoffman feels incredibly tied to the teachers that they had, and, you know, I'm I'm no different. I was so grateful for yourself. Alyssa, Marissa Drew. It was so amazing, and I can't thank you enough liz. And thank you for letting me share. My childhood and my my story here and
I just... I'm really grateful for half I, and I can't wait eventually to do part 2 and to and to explore deeper. Well, we welcome you whenever. Thanks again, Richard. Thank you, Liz. Thank you for listening to our podcast. My name is Liza and Grass. I'm this... Ceo and President of Hoffman Institute Foundation. And I'm Ras Rossi, Often teacher and founder of the Hop institute Foundation. Our mission is to provide people greater access
to the wisdom and power of love. In themselves in each other and in the world to find out more. Please go to hop institute dot org.