You know, I've been thinking about something in terms of people going to the process and how we've you people in the world. Maybe it's social media. Or maybe it's just our general predisposition to assuming that where we're off than other people or that person looks like they have all their shit together. I guess I'm just aware of that dynamic than Frank Olive is our guest today. Cheese steaks are his thing and cooking is
his thing. And I guess if you visited his world famous store in Philadelphia where 1 of his great older relatives invented the cheese steak. You might assume this guy. He needs the process. Well, turns out we all need the process. We all have parents we all are human. And so I'm excited for you to listen to this episode from 1 human being to enough they're Frank. Please enjoy and we're so glad you're hear as a part of this hoffman experience. Thanks
for showing up and listening. Now Welcome to Loves everyday radius. Podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Drew Horn. And on this podcast, we catch up with graduates of the process. And have a conversation with them about how their work in the process is informing their life outside of the process, how their spirit and how their love are living in the world around them, their everyday radius side Frankie, Oli. How are you doing? I'm very
about through. How are you? Great to be talking to you this morning. It's great to be having the opportunity to talk to you. So would you tell us your story a little bit, how you came to be you? I am just Frank Oliver. Frankie, Oliver. I'm the, about, third generation at Italian American, living in Philadelphia. I guess, you could say that I'm the third generation owner of probably 1 of the most famous restaurants in the world, pat key mistakes.
My family, my great uncle pat is responsible for inventing both the Philadelphia steaks sandwich, and the Philadelphia cheese steak sandwich in 19 30. Yeah? At who I am. Is it true that cheese steak didn't have cheese in it originally. 1 that steak sandwich didn't have cheese. It was just meat bread and onions. So the story goes, If anybody's familiar with their first rocky movie, the street where Sylvester still gonna ran down the street, and they threw on the orange.
Is the world Famous Italian market, continuously running for 127 years. Open air market My uncle pad had a hot stand and he sold hot every day. There everybody would shock fresh, because no 1 really had refrigeration in 19 30 in their houses. And day they ate Op, he and my grandfather, Harry. And 1 day, he had a little extra money in his pocket and set my grandfather to the butcher down the street and it and they had picked up some you know, trimming of meat and cooked it up on this hot grill,
condiments at the time where onions. You had a look for Italian bread because we're italian, You put it, you know, put the sandwich together or a cab driver who paid hot dogs day. Saw the sandwich and say, well, really great. Make me 1. So Cop pat's, well I don't have enough for my brother and I, but I'll give you half of my sandwich since you meet hot dogs every day. And the cab driver took a bite of the sandwich and said, you know, I forget about hot. This is
the same which you should start making. And that was the invention of the philly steak sandwich. That was 19 30. 19 30. Yeah. What was it like for you growing up in Philly, the the son of Italian Americans in that world in that community? It was pretty awesome. Philadelphia in general, it's very small. It's kind of an inc town. Everybody knows everybody. And being that I am the sun, a grandson and the great nephew the owner of Pat Steaks.
Kinda I was like, you know, it was like, the the the prince and waiting of the city. City was mine. Frank and friend friends and it was just... It was fabulous. I could do no wrong. It certain respects. And then what? I went to Pro school from in Kindergarten Garden to sixth grade, which was in my neighborhood. And then my parents decided to send me to private quaker school, friend select. A school that was established in 16 89
in Philadelphia. But I, you know, went from my local school, you know, only knew people in my own neighborhood. I went to a school where I was open to, like, people from all different rates is colors and creed, and it really opened my eyes, and I had probably the most amazing experience being there. I always say, My parents gave me a lot of things, including some bad patterns. I'll talk about that later, I guess. But my 1 of best things my parents gave
me was my quaker friend right education. I'm trying to continue the narrative of what led you to your process. So Right you grow up being a cook and owner in the business. You get married, You have a family, life moves on. And then what happens? Yeah. Life moves on. So when I graduated from high school 19 82. I was going to look hard on bloom and Frank. And then I decided to take some time off because we had a manager who was leaving the store.
And then Up saying at the store, You know, when I was 24 years old, and I was, you know, still with my, I guess, high school sweetheart, who lived in the Atlantic City area. You know, I was not sure I wanted to get married, but, you know, through some forces of nature in a family Navy, or was kinda persuaded to go through that. And I never really was I was never really comfortable with that whole idea. So went through a 28 year marriage.
So we got to a point where I decided not to be part of that anymore. So I I removed myself from the marriage, and I moved back to Philadelphia, leaving my my 2 children behind. Unfortunately. Keep pressing play on your story. The you're now divorced and what happens? So I moved back to Philadelphia and I'm, kinda like a fish out of water it, and, 28 days later after I moved to Philadelphia. I meet Nancy my present wife. You know, we have an awesome relationship right
off the start. And we wanna better our love. We wanna better ourselves for not only ourselves for third people around us. So, Nancy, when she comes to me She says, I'm interested in doing this process. It's called the Hoffman process. And she said, it'll make I'm like, okay. Fine. Sign me up to. She said well do you wanna know about it. Like listen if it better our relationship. If it better us individually, and that helps us as a couple.
I said, I'll do anything to strengthen our relationship and be a better person. We signed up for it and then the pandemic happened. So we postponed a couple times. We were both signed up for it. And then November eighth last year, I had open heart surgery. So that kind of me until September of 20 22. So I just completed the process. I guess before I ask you what you got, Take us to your process, Take us inside your week, what's happening?
We kinda met some other friends who have done the process and so surrounded by it and surrounded by them and, you know, there's a kind of a veil secrecy. You know, I could tell me things but they can't tell me things and I'm like, so I'm kind of joking around about. I'm like, it's a cold and we're gonna be drinking cool aid when I get out there. I just see the reaction and the way Nancy would interact with her friends who did the process and it may be very curious And when I...
She came home from the process initially, finding her in the other room and we spend majority of our day together with should be any other room talking the telephone and signing off, say, no. I love you. I love you. I'll talk to you later. I'm like, walk you. I'm like, who what who are these people you love now? Kinda felt like, jealous like I was a little bit of an outsider. So I was anticipating going to the process more to find out what it was all about. And to share in that, feeling that she
had. I wanted to be a part of it. So you you sign up, you go, I sign up by go, and I did the process in California, and I got to the site. I got there early. Yeah. It was a little nervous now turning in my phone, because, you know, I a business it runs 24 hours. I parents. My dad is alzheimer's and never know what goes on with that. Although I informed everybody I was going to be away, There's still that business separation from the outside life at that point? Do they need me? Could
the place run without me? Are there questions that only I can answer. But, I think once I spent the night there, I was probably the first 1 to turn my phone in. I was I was ready, and I wanted to become... Completely immersed and be completely vulnerable, and I wanted to just get back to my authentic self. I wanted to be that child again. With part of your process, do you remember even now, Frankie? There are so many parts in the process? We had fabulous.
Fabulous group of people in our process, Some of which came in, they didn't speak to other people when they were aaron are and by, like, a third or fourth day, everybody was like a huge family. I mean, interacting, like known trouble for many many, many years. And just to see some people who went from being so quiet to social again. Was was amazing to see that transformation. For me, however, what part stands out most for me.
Where there's 1 exercise where we go in and it's it's a big part of the process. And march it's a couple pieces pieces. So 1 of which 1 in I went in what the understanding that 1 of my parents was my issue. And by by the second or third day, I had a revelation like notes, it's... It isn't my mother. It's my father. My father was my problem. And I think my facilitator Meredith and Marissa were, like, how did you come to that? And I explained to them, how my thought process and how I got
to that part n, wow. That's that's true. That's your issue. More my mother she didn't get a pass there. You know, there was just things that she'd bestowed upon me, those patterns that I still deal with. And but at... For that me, that was a big moment. Another moment where, you know, every day there on not property out in California. It's a magnificent or deer sheep, rabbits, and it's just beautiful out there. So every dad would see the deer outside was walking to go do
my task. And there was just, Joe standing by the side of the road. And I said, hey, Buddy what's going on. Don't looked at me was and then ran 5 feet and look back at me, like, hey, Follow me. So I I followed her for, like, 15 minutes climbing 1 of the hills up there and and she led me to this amazing section where she just looked at me this ran away? I'm just like, okay. Why am I up here? It's kinda breaking up right now Thinking about. It was very symbolic of the task
a hand. I just found it amazing and it was like, okay. This is this is why I'm here. And then I just spent the rest of our my time up there. Just like to taking into sun, meditating and just getting back to who I was. When you said task, you're referencing an assignment, the teachers give the students, and you were... We're engaged in that assignment, and it involves making peace with your parents. Is that right?
Yes. Making peace with my parents, making peace with making peace with myself and both both ways. My my good self and my band self. Yeah. What was that like for you to to do that assignment? It was difficult, but I figured without giving too much away. III made my parents make their own decision how they wanted to live the rest of their life symbolically. You know, it's almost like, you know, Christmas past
Christmas future kind of thing. And looking at the road that I could have taken, and I wasn't really happy and that was, like a a life not filled with love, self respect boundaries. All the things that you... That I have that I... That you wanna foster in life, so you can actually be yourself, be your authentic self. And I think that's 1 of the things that we really get away from. I saw myself in the light that I didn't wanna to be anymore. I didn't wanna be that person, and I wanted to live
my life as a better person. And then I saw my other self, my my future self as a good person and I... And I... That's the life I wanna embrace. I wanna... I wanna be that person. You were about to speak about what the patterns you had learned from your past? What I saw in my bad self, I guess. Was generational dysfunction that I didn't wanna perpetuate anymore when it come back come back to life as I know it and be that person who doesn't
perpetuate the generational dysfunction. You know, And I I know I can't change everyone around yet. I'm only responsible for myself, But my friends, my family, my employees, and people around me that I... That I love it are still in my circle. Look up to me for for guidance because I'm kinda fun to be around. It doesn't really sound. Home fun right now. But kinda fun to be around and and I'm
honest. I'm authentic. If I figured if I if I lead by example, maybe I could chip away at that generational dysfunction and have other people wanna follow my lead and maybe change as well, this way we can stop per those his patterns and our parents and grandparents and and Sorrow gets have given us. What happened as the week went on? What did you notice as she came to the end of your week? Well I was kinda giving, like, a little sad because I didn't
want it end. Had that, you know, that quote unquote Hoffman high. It was just great. I just felt light. I even forgot that I had a cell phone, and I forgot that I had a computer, I didn't forget, however, that I was coming home to something. So I was apprehensive about that. I took some time. There 2... Well, Nancy actually came out in met name. We spent some time out in California with C and I and some other hoffman grads
which was great. But III implore people when they do the process to take some time. For me, it worked out well because my my wife and I are are great we speak the same language, Now we have that same... We have the same language. So it's... It was easier for me. But you do need to take that time to integrate back in because you have to find your center. Because what you left is still the same
when you get back. You're so high, you're so clean in your mind that it's easy to get poll polluted again. So for me, Took a couple extra days when I returned back to Philadelphia back to East Coast. I got to work and, of course, there were several triggers that happened that day, you know, going into Quaker school. I learned how to meditate, and it was something that I I bring to myself every day now back to myself. And I I figured I count
the 10. Let me do some recycling. Let me do some recycling. You know, on my way to work that morning. I just did some recycling. And And so my first experience at work was 1 of my employees came in and normally, I would be, like, very sharp and sarcastic with with this person. She came to my office and and I felt I felt empathy, and I felt compassion
where... Like, normally, I would... Be not that person with, you know, kind of like in in not in a mean fashion, but not in in a way would I would recognize her, So I did. And then when she left my office, and she I could see she felt better about herself when she left the office. And I felt... Much better about myself, and I'm, hey, you know what? It it does work. It's self compassion and loving yourself makes you a better person so you can
love other people and be compassionate. So you signed up for the q 2 fairly quickly. What what did the q 2 this Second, weekend do for you in terms of the work and how did it support you? The q 2 was I signed up, Nancy said that she was doing AQ2I think before I even did the process. So she could've have easily driven herself and until philadelphia at the Connecticut No big deal. And I said, you know, I I'll I'll drive you up. So I figured to myself, listen and I'm still
at that. I still have the hoffman high going on. And at the last moment, I said, you know, if I'm driving you there for 3 hours and driving back, and then you're driving back the pick you up and if I'm doing 12 hours of driving. And I may as well just stay and come through it continue. So I did. And, was fortunate enough that I got in. I don't know if you made more room from me or not. But I got in and you the benefits from an that were
enormous. You know, Nancy and I became closer You were you were our facilitator, and you saw that Nancy and I only sat together, I think a few times when we had dinner lunch or breakfast. During the classes, we we're separating ourselves. So this way I wouldn't impede on her process and her ability to interact with all those people, and she with me the same it was like we were together as a unit, but we were separate, and we were actually
just spreading the love so to speak. What we learned in our individual process is is brought it to the q 2. For the continuation. For me it was beneficial because I kind of hone my recycling and recycling skills. I got the meet 24 work amazing people who are interested in doing the same, like minded people. Frank, in your
sharing about your experiences. You've referenced that a bunch the the community, the people watching them transform and how powerful that is for you, what is it about other people's journey and connecting together that feels so important for you. I'd like to be among people that are interested in better themselves, whether it's through education or through community service. But more importantly, for a person to better themselves, not fixing themselves that's 1 word to use.
Understanding how people are and making themselves better it is important to me because it takes away that hidden agenda that most people have. Being around people that are interested in better in themselves, it's easier to have conversation with like minded people. And it's kinda confusing, but it's you're around toxic people the time. It's it's infectious. You become toxic
in your thoughts. But if you're around people who are interested in better themselves and expressing self love and compassion towards themselves and others, it's contagious. You wanna do that. At night you put your head on your pillow at night. You wake up in another morning and you just feel great. You're not tossing and turning. Thinking about and I do it right, and I do it wrong. Good at better with the clear head. And so how do you see yourself? Now. And how do you see your past differently
as a result of the the process? How it I guess it's a kind of perspective question. How has the process help you put the pass into a new perspective. Not to be geek, but, like, you know, shellfish like crabs and lobster, they shed their shells, that hard exterior becomes you know, it's... Sometimes it's too hard. So I look at myself now, growing up as a child, having a soft exterior.
And for the years of just being in in a family business and in my family and people around me, my exterior became hard and brittle, going through the process for me has helped me like molt through my shell get rid of that hard exterior and I'd become that vulnerable person again, where, you know, I can look at myself and laugh, and I could not be embarrassed if Gonna dance or sing in front of somebody.
And I'm that vulnerable person again. I'm gonna try to keep that soft exterior as much as I can because I'm I really like myself. I I'd rather be a soft person than a hard person. It's like, you know, the vinegar and honey thing. I'd rather be honeywell all day long would be Vinegar. And as you as you think about your mom and your dad and fair italian, Philadelphia heritage, how have you seen them differently. So, I see my parents differently
in that... In 1 of the processes you you you pictured your parents as his children. Yeah. I pictured my mother as a child. And... And my father is a child and I picture of my grandparents, because I was fortunate enough to have for my grandparents alive for into my teens, you know, I recognized that my parents didn't have a chance because that's the way they
were treated. Those patterns that they bestowed upon me, with the same pattern if their parents gave them and I could see myself as a child, going to my grandmother's house on a saturday where my mother would have to clean my grandmother's house. And my grandmother just acting when she was helpless and she couldn't do
it. And on the other hand, I see my father's father is being that, like, hard exterior kind of guy, where he was more concerned about what other people thought about him rather than the people around him in his family. He was more concerned about but the neighborhood people thought about them than the people that inside of his family. He curative of neighborhood people more than he took care of his own family. I think that's a pattern, unfortunately that my father kind of picked up.
When I when I came home and explained to my mother, like what the process is. Was about. And my dad house Alzheimer's. Actually, today's birthday is 84. So III couldn't really explain to him how I felt and explain them what I went through, but I could explain to my mother in a gentle way that both her and my father didn't have a chance because of the way they were raised, and it's not their full. What do you feel as you say that? Life I I feel sad. I look at the mistakes and I made
along the way. You know don't have a relationship with my children, and and, I look at it, like, these are these are patterns that I got from my parents. And it's not my fault. So I going forward, how do I fix that? My children don't wanna have any relationship with me unfortunately. And I don't know if it's because of the way they feel because I I left their mother and the marriage. I I don't know. Like, there's no there's
no correspondence, whatsoever. So I don't know. Maybe I can gift all 3 of them the process, and they can learn to forgive themselves and perhaps them down sometime time down the line forgive me. Frankie, there's a tender spot here for a... A broken relationship with your children. Did it any point in the process you envision how you might move forward to repair that? And what that might look like that repair with them?
Yeah. Yeah know, It's something that's Nancy has been encouraging me to do throughout our relationship. You know, write a letter sit down and write a letter and and take responsibility for my actions and explain to them, you know, this is what happened, and I take full responsibility for what I did and what I didn't do. Basically just put my best foot forward and extend that olive branch and if something comes a bit, okay. And and if something doesn't it, well then, at least I know that I tried,
and I satisfied that part of it. Not necessarily that I'm looking for closure, because I I disrupt it's not a black and white thing. I still... I'm still looking at the gray area and, you know, before I went into the process, I was very black and white. No I'm not that anymore. So hopefully, that gray area can turn into something that will be a some kind of dialogue, you know, hopefully healthy. What's I'd like to, talk about that and your family history and your process.
What do you notice as you reflect on all these things in your life? Well, I could tell you that if I didn't do the process there'd ever been no way that I will be revealing these intimacy of my of my life and my feelings. You wouldn't be so vulnerable. No. I wouldn't be vulnerable. I mean, I would be have that hard exterior. That's the the facade I'd have to put on. In order to survive.
It's the survival instead. You can't be vulnerable in an area where, you know, people look at your, like, You know, your kindness is actually weakness. Sometimes that's the way it's viewed. Frankie, I'm grateful for this conversation. I'm grateful to have the upper opportunity to have this conversation with you, own many, many different levels? What's next for you, what's next for the the business. You did say you're open. 24 hours, 7 days a week. You only closed 2 days a year. At Christmas
then. Thanksgiving. It's a 92 year business. It's been here for, you know, for a long time. You know, when people think about Philadelphia, we think about cheese steaks, the Rocky statue, and have they have enough time, they go see the Liberty belt So so I don't know. I'm, hopefully, it'll it'll it'll continue on long after our, you know, Nancy and I aren't here anymore. I'm just grateful that my that my family has... It's my legacy, You know, my my my great uncle pad had invented that sandwich.
And it's a legacy that that my family can give back to the world. You can really can't go 10 the 4 corners of the planet, not Cfo philadelphia chiefs steak somewhere. Frankie cheese steak. Was that it was that ever your nickname? No. It was well, since my name is Frank Olive. I should be called Frankie onions or Fried onions as a child, Frankie boy was my name. And where you called that in the process? Yeah. I was Frankie boy. Frankie boy. Thank you. I'm grateful.
Thank you, True. I'm grateful as well. Drew, I see you and I love you. I don't see you right now because I'm looking at my... Pew screen, but I see you and I love you. Thank you for listening to our podcast. My name is Liza and Rossi. The Ceo and President of Hoffman Institute Foundation. And I'm Asking Rossi, Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute Foundation. The Our mission is to provide people greater access to the wisdom and power of love. In themselves in each other and in
the world. To find out more, please go a hop institute dot org.