- You are about to listen to a conversation with Jess Rona. She's a dog groomer extraordinaire and so much more. Jess really breaks down compassion. So if you're interested in understanding more about it or her journey around it, this episode is for you and it's quite personal as she shares how she learned about compassion and how she wasn't compassionate with herself. A beautiful vulnerable episode with Jess Rona.
- Welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Drew Horning and on this podcast we catch up with graduates of the process and have a conversation with them about how their work in the process is informing their life outside of the process. How their spirit and how their love are living in the world around them, their everyday radius. - Hey everybody, welcome to the Hoffman Podcast. My name is Drew Horning. Jess Rona is with us today.
Wait, Jess, did I pronounce that right? Yeah, - That's me. - Oh, you're in for a treat everybody. Jess is a one of a kind dog groomer and so much more on her website, which is just fun period. JRG Jess Rona grooming is like daycare meets a cozy, comfy grooming salon. It's cage free so your dog is always with one of us even if they don't like our jokes. Jess, you've been doing this for 20 years and you have a great sense of humor and wonderful presence. Welcome to the show.
- Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. - Welcome, welcome, welcome. Katie Perry says that Jess Rona is to dogs as Vidal Sassoon is to the Bob Cut. Isn't - That cool? - That's fun. Says Katy Perry. - She's the coolest. - So there's so many places we could start Jess, but one is this, more and more people are loving how they feel post-process and certainly that's becoming a thing.
What's also true is that when people really get in touch with the pain or the cost of their patterns, then they can also experience the high at the end of the process. So what was challenging in your life that had you take the process Jess? - There were two main things that were really, I don't want, I feel like it sounds a little dramatic, but I feel like they were killing me or just really darkening my world.
One of them was using food to numb out and the other was overworking and neglecting myself for work and putting work before everything else. Those were the two biggest dark gray clouds in my life. And I just remember driving home. I mean I remember so many moments where I'm like, this is really gonna hurt me. I'm gonna like have cancer 'cause of this or something like, it just was like, I'm really, really hurting myself and I just almost felt like I had no control over it.
Like I felt like I was a leaf in the wind and I was just trying to hold on or I just felt so powerless and I kept hearing about Hoffman, you know, over the years. I mean I heard about it for years and I was finally like, okay, I gotta do this. I just have to. - Jess, I think you, you describe awareness hell perfectly. You had a sense of the patterns and the, the challenge of eating to numb out as well as overworking how common those struggles are.
And yet I'm imagining that that awareness wasn't helping. - No, I was so self-aware, but I learned at Hoffman that you can have so much self-awareness, but if it's not accompanied by self-compassion, it's almost like a spinning circle that just can't close. It's just like a missing puzzle piece. You have to have self. I had no self-compassion. I didn't understand the, the art of self-compassion.
I didn't know about it. So I had all this self-awareness, all I, I even taught a class about business owners and having self-awareness as a leader. So I was very aware of it but I just didn't have any like I, I thought I was completely powerless and there was no self-compassion and I was just sort of like white knuckling through my life in such a struggling kind of way. I mean man, I just learned so much about myself at Hoffman.
I can like so much I learned how I was constantly trying to fix myself. I didn't even realize. So in my life before Hoffman, my emotional child and my intellect were, were driving my life and my shadow, my dark side. So those were the driving forces in my life and I would, I would get whispers from my spiritual self. But now after Hoffman, my spiritual self is driving my life, but I get whispers from my dark side. I'm friends with my intellect now, but I'll get whispers from the dark side.
But my spiritual side is my spiritual self is fully in control for the most part. And I just felt like that's the Hoffman flip. It's like I used to get the whispers from the spirit and now I get whispers from the dark side - And you get all in messages from your loud and cacophony from your dark side and now you get that kind of loud dialed in energy from your spirit. - I was so impressed with myself for thinking of the Hoffman flip.
You just really like, I'm like aren't you blown away by the Hoffman flip? I mean let's trademark it. - Metaphor is powerful. The flip from whisper, what would you call the way you receive messages now if it was a whisper before, what is it now? - I embody it. I embody the spiritual self so much. - So it comes cellularly almost. - Yeah, I feel this goddess of my spiritual self within me so much more powerfully than I did before.
And I love that we were able to visualize this version of ourselves because my spiritual self is just glowy and happy and secure and anytime I'm asked to describe this version it's just she's a goddess, she's secure. Another thing that I learned at, I mean I could, there's so many breakthroughs I had at Hoffman. - Jess, let me, let me ask you a question about that. 'cause I love the goddess glowy and light. It's just bringing a smile to my face. But how did you get there?
I mean certainly there are a lot of people who would love that kind of connection to their essence and so although we helped you get there and you're certainly describing the insights, how did you get there? How does one move from only a whisper to a deep profound connection to spirit? - Well, I had had a little bit of awareness of this version of myself before Hoffman. I would just call it your divine self. The self that is, you guys say touched by the lighter of the light.
And one of the biggest things that I used as a tool to develop my relationship with my spiritual self was how you guys said this version of yourself is untouched by your patterns. And so I really loved that part of it. And who am I when I'm not, you know, super insecure thinking people don't like me, all my little patterns, I am very secure and I think I could not have developed such a deep connection with my spiritual self had I not been guided by you. I'm guided. I was guided by you.
So I was able to really fully feel that who this person or this version of myself is. - When you say you mean, you mean the process, the teachers. And so Jess, my question is like allowing yourself to be guided wasn't easy. We talk about surrender in the process. How were you able to let go and allow yourself to be guided at Hoffman? - I wanted it and I set the intention before Hoffman that I'm gonna give this 110% I wanted it.
I think when you hit a bottom in your life, it's such a blessing because you're so ready to change. And I, anytime someone's at rock bottom, I'm like, hell yeah, you're gonna change now because you can't change when you're comfortable and and coasting and okay it's when like I was at a bottom and I was like, I cannot go on like this. And I think that's a huge blessing. So I was just like, help, I'll do it.
You want me to, whatever you want me to do, I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna do it a hundred percent. Also like I, I was thinking back at it, I've taken so many acting classes in my life and like so many fun things that we were doing reminds me of just losing yourself in an acting class. I specifically was just like, well this is like really easy for me. Plus I do a lot of visualizing, I do a lot of meditating so I was already kind of used to it.
- Take us to a moment in your process, like just kind of, I'd love to have the listeners get a sense of you at Hoffman. - Yeah, I mean one of the biggest things I learned when I heard the word vindictiveness, I was like instantly like, oh this, I'm not gonna be able to, I probably won't get much out of this because I'm not vindictive at all. And it wasn't until I really learned what it is and how it appears in my life that I didn't even know that I was being vindictive towards myself.
I had no idea. And one of the hugest breakthroughs, 'cause there was this boulder in my life that I could not move, it was just this huge boulder that I just could not figure out why am I not exercising? Why am I just not literally paralyzed but I felt paralyzed and I could not move my body. Why can't I do this thing for myself? And a huge breakthrough I had was that throughout my life I've been on every diet ever, um, since I was a kid and trying to lose weight.
I live in LA it's very like normal for people to be on diets of all kinds. I mean it's just in our culture, but I had no idea that vindictiveness comes from pain and it starts with hurt.
And I was so hurt by my body emotionally because it wasn't the body I wanted and I've been trying to fight this body my whole life that finally it all came to a head and I realized in at Hoffman that I have been being self vindictive and just punishing myself and my body because of all of the pain it has caused me. And I had no idea I was doing that. It was this big question mark in my life. It's still something that I'm working on after Hoffman.
But that clarity was mind blowing mind and also vindictiveness towards my employees. I'm a business owner and I had no idea and I was having this feeling towards them, but I learned that when you feel hurt sometimes the vindictiveness comes out with passive aggressive comments. And it's something I was doing to my employees that I had no idea I was doing because I, I realized I felt hurt by them and I, I just, that was like mind blowing huge breakthrough for me.
- What's it like you're being so vulnerable about your relationship to your body around food and exercise and understanding vindictiveness how it is something we do to others and you're talking about your employees and yet it's also something we do to ourselves. Jess, what's it like here now in the moment to speak out loud some of these patterns? - I feel like a lot of love for myself and understanding and no judgment.
And I think before it was always kind of accompanied by shame or maybe embarrassment, but now it's just sort of like I'm not attached to it with a darkness. Like I'm, I'm okay that it's okay. And it's almost like of course I'm like that, you know, of course so much self-compassion. It's insane. - You're holding such self-compassion and talking about uh uh, I have a lot of love for myself myself and I'm okay with it. How do you get there? How, what helped you kind of soften to your own humanity?
- That's such a great question. I mean I think it's just, I was raised a certain way. My mom and dad and everybody, they were raised a certain way and it's sort of like that, of course you're like this, that's really the, the understanding that of where these patterns come from helps me have self-compassion. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm definitely, it's just part of it now. It's part of my life. Whereas before it was like a complete, it was just, there was nothing.
So I think knowing the history of these patterns has helped deepen my self-compassion and the tools, the Kristin Neff tools helped my self-compassion as well. And I noticed recently a pattern come up and I was able to use those tools. The um, I'm having a moment of suffering. I'm connected to humanity with suffering. May I be kind to myself? - Wow, Jess, - Thank you. Thank you. That, see, that's the reaction I'm looking for. Gimme that validation. It's part of my pattern.
- . Well I mean those are three steps that Kristen Neff talks about and they're really important and you, you just sort of laid them out there beautifully. Would you share again, your understanding for the listeners? 'cause I do think in these three steps are some of the secrets to healing. - Yeah, so acknowledging that you're having a moment of suffering and you can put your hand on your heart and your other hand on top of that hand and take a deep breath and just acknowledge.
And it's even just doing that. If you just did that, you would feel a little bit of self-love. You know, people think that suffering makes you different or a a a apart from everyone. But it's one of the biggest things that connects everyone is that we all have suffering. And I learned so much about compassion for everyone at Hoffman. 'cause I just look at everyone as a child that didn't get the love that they needed from their parents. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I just love you so much.
But that's part two and I just know that I'm connected to humanity through my suffering. And then the third one is a little tiny baby prayer. May I be compassionate to myself in this moment? And I also tap on that 92nd thing. - It's this idea developed by Dr. Taylor who did research around it. And she says that when a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there's a 92nd chemical process that happens in the body.
And that after that any remaining emotional response is really just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop. And so if we meet that reaction, whatever it is with kindness, with compassion, that within 90 seconds it will move through you. How do you relate to that? How has that supported you?
- It was just a really, it just, I wonder if it was my spirit guide or something was just like, breathe through this for 90 seconds when I was having a moment of suffering and let me see if it will pass through. And it did. It totally did. It was really helpful. And it was one of the patterns that was a huge thing that was hurting me in my life before Hoffman. And it popped up for the first time like two weeks after Hoffman.
Part of the reason why I, I came, like I said was I was neglecting myself for work, but the reason I was working so hard was to be able to buy a house. I wanted a big fancy house. 'cause I have a house that I rent, I have one bathroom and I would love to have two bathrooms or maybe more. Anyway, so I was just, you know, I live in la every house has a bajillion dollars and it's like top of my bucket list to have a freaking house.
So I was just working and working and working, getting like hoping to get this house. And I have a vision board. And even my vision board was on the, like my phone screen, the lock screen. I have houses and my vision board and I was just tunnel vision working my ass off to get this house. Anyway, so one of the people in my group just mentioned this neighborhood in LA which is like my dream neighborhood. And I was like, oh my god, I love this neighborhood.
It's so gorgeous. 'cause there's all these mid-century modern homes and it's just like the coolest neighborhood and I would love to live there. It's like dream neighborhood. And then this person said that they had a house there and I was like, holy cannoli, that's amazing. This is a fellow student. Then the next day just talked about the neighborhood and I was like, okay. And then at dinner, like two nights later I start scribing my dream house that's on my vision board.
I mean there's this one house I saw in that neighborhood and I was just like, it's got this really cool sunken living room. I mean, you know me, you've seen my brand. I love seventies, sixties style and this house is so seventies and cool. It had just like the, just the most beautiful design. It was just my dream. And I start describing it and he, and this person looked at me and I was like, don't tell me that's your house. And he said, okay, well I'm not gonna tell you that's my house.
And I had a moment where my face got hot and I was like, is that your house? And he told me the street name. He's like, yep, that's mine. And I described the, he was, he's selling the house and I saw it on like some listing that's his house. The reason I was at Hoffman was because I was working my ass off to be able to someday afford this house. And it's so crazy that I described his house and I almost feel like I manifested the house in some way.
Like I manifested the representative of the house and he told me this house did not bring me joy. In fact it brought me a lot of heartache and I am selling it because it did not bring me anything I thought it would. And it's so crazy because I thought that this house would bring me so much peace and like space and pride and all these other things. And it's almost as if I manifested a like a message from the house saying this is not gonna give you what you want.
- Okay, so is it, are you under contract? - No, I was not actually buying the house. It was on my vision board. Oh my god. God, the house is a bajillion dollars. It's like a goal. It was the thing that was causing so much pain because I thought it would bring me joy. - So he's sharing with you look like I dreamt of a house making me happy as well. And it doesn't, it didn't. - No, and it's the exact same house. That's the crazy part. I described his house. It's his house.
And then after the process I was like, let me confirm, is this your house? And I showed him a picture and he said, yep, that's my house. And I cannot believe that it was his house. It was just insane. - You had been coveting all these months, years. - Yeah. And so the, when he told me that I was still not able to let go, I was still like, no, I still need to get that house. I still need to work really, really, really hard. But now, I mean I cannot believe he freed me from this.
I was like in handcuffs to my life before. And I feel like he like had the key and he gave me a message that was like, just trust me. It's not gonna bring you what you think it will. And now after Hoffman, by the way, when we were doing an exercise where we were out in nature, in silence, one of the other students put a cute little flower in my pocket as they walked by.
And after the process, I was alone in Sonoma and I was hiking and there was all these little flowers that were the same flower that this person put in my pocket. And so now instead of my house being on my phone lock screen, it's a picture of that flower. And it reminds me of that love and friendship I found at Hoffman. So it's totally different. It's just crazy.
My life is so different, - Jess, you know, we, in the process we talk about that it's your being to focus on first and then the doing as a result of the being. And then last but not least the having and when I hear part of your hoffman flip here is that the having was first I need to have the house. - When you taught us about be a do have, that was insanely mind blowing for me. I was like clinging to every word you were saying. It's so, yes, it's totally crazy.
I was very much doing, doing, doing to have - To have, have, have. And if we can take the flip and also apply it here, you put the be happy at the end of that and now you've put it, flipped it all the way to the front. So it exists first in your process. - Yeah, completely. And I just wanna mention it feels very foreign. It feels weird to live a life like this to go from being, you know, stressed out all the time.
I'm still trying to navigate, I'm only 21 days out from the process and it just feels weird to not have digestion problems and not be overworked. And I just, it's, I'm still figuring out how to live like this, how to live calmly and happily. It's, it just, it's still, I mean obviously it's much, it's, it's okay, I am loving it, but I still feel really unsure. Like I like, is this really my life right now? This is how it's supposed to be. I don't understand.
- Yeah, no, I, I wanna highlight that for a second for anybody listening because I think some people misinterpret that feeling of weirdness or awkwardness as if this must not be it because if we're it, I'd feel more comfortable. But in fact, those steps in that new direction that you're headed are filled with discomfort and awkwardness and weirdness. That's a sign you're like creating your own tracks as you step forward in your life connected to your spirit.
So what, what helps you, even though you are 21 days out in this moment of this recording, what helps you stay the course in that weirdness as you describe? - I think the biggest thing is self-compassion. Because I'm not staying the course all the time. I am doing that dance patterns decision. You know, the middle point where you're, you're always at the point of deciding which road you wanna go on. So I totally am just so I'm completely loving myself through it.
That's really the biggest thing is just from going from going from no self-compassion at all to having all the self-compassion. I think that's the hugest shift because I am a human and I am gonna be going back into patterns. If I can just do it with self-compassion. I think that's just like the biggest change. - I love that you said going from no self-compassion at all to now lapping it up, drinking it up.
But let me ask you a question, Jess, what did your pre-process self think of self-compassion? What did you used to think self-compassion was? - Oh sure, it's important. Yeah. You know, yeah, it's great. It's a great thing to have. And like literally no embodying of it, no feeling of it at all. - Kind of it as an idea, not as an embodied experience. - A hundred percent as an idea, yes. It's like not on my radar, maybe a little self-care, but really not.
No self-compassion was completely an untapped thing for me. I just had no, it was just not on my radar. - You know, it's a little bit like a get out of jail free card in the sense that it takes the struggles in life and says, yeah, that's okay. It takes the imperfections in our life and said, yeah, you're welcome too. You're, you belong here as well. - And it, and okay, so like feeling like you're not okay goes to feeling like, yeah, you're totally okay.
And I think I was always feeling, I mean, one of my patterns was not good enough. You're not good enough. I'm not good enough. No one's good enough, nothing's good enough. And it was just like going from, you're not okay and you're, you're doing wrong things and you should be doing this all the time, all day to you got this, I love you, you're flawed. It's okay. Live your life. It's all good. You know, it's like I feel so relaxed in that, like I'm, oh, maybe I am. Okay.
- It still has accountability and responsibility as a part of it, right? - Oh yeah, completely. And also me wanting that house. It didn't go away. I want it, but I'm just going to be the person who can have that house, you know? But so like my old life, it's not like I am like not wanting the same things or not doing the same things. I'm just doing it softly, gently, lovingly with compassion. - You're bringing me a contact high of compassion. I love it.
- I'm honored. I felt like kind of like a bible thumper when I left Hoffman, I was just like ready to go door to door to tell everybody to go because it changed my life so much. But I've calmed down. But like, I'm just like, holy cannoli, I cannot believe how much this has changed. I mean, even if you just have self-compassion. Also, I need to like fully geek out on Kristin Neff. 'cause like I wanna read all her stuff and learn so much more about what she does.
- We'll put some Kristin Neff references and links in the show notes for people who want to follow up and learn more about her work and her research and her writing and her suggestions. She has some recordings as well that people can listen to. I'd love that you are referencing her work. Jess, I want to shift gears for a moment and talk about a moment in time towards the end of the week. Many of the listeners know this, but just as a reminder, we, we ask people to not have their cell phones.
We ask people to let go of the outside world. We ask people to not talk about their work at all, what they do in the world. That for this week, for one week in your life, can you just focus on your being at the end of the week, you shared what you did and there was a moment where 3, 4, 5 people, I mean, I haven't heard a reaction like that. It was like, wait, what? That's you No way. Wait, that's you, that is my favorite Instagram site.
No way. And there was like, uh, looks, I mean, I wish I could have captured it, but there were mouth agape, hands on head gaws. And I don't know if you remember that, but will you describe a little bit about your work and your Instagram site and, and why people love it so much? Your brand loyalty must be so high. - My brand mission is to spread joy. You know, I wanna make people feel something when they, you know, watch my stories or look at whatever my content is.
- I went to your Instagram site after the process because I was like, what are people talking about? And there maybe it's one of your most downloaded images or something, but I think it's a poodle or something where his face is blowing in the wind and his eyes are closing as he feels, feels the wind in his face. And it's such a wonderful image. There's music. Is that part of your spreading joy? - Oh yeah. I love blowing wind on dogs.
I mean, it's because, you know, as humans we put our own, you know, human traits onto dogs. So if I can show a dog feeling amazing, you can put your own story on it. This dog's loving life, feeling calm, feeling good. It's just hilarious too. It, it just made me laugh so much and I really wanted to make these slow-mo videos of dogs blowing in the wind to music. Just, it's just so funny.
- You shared something really interesting that dogs become kind of representative of humans and that if you can show a dog enjoying something that humans like, then you've gifted humans an experience. - Yeah, totally. And that's something I focus on is how my audience will feel when they watch any of my videos. I either wanna educate them, make them laugh, or make them feel happy or calm. - So if people go to your website, you yes, you do grooming, but there are also lots of videos.
Say more about the mission there. - Um, my mission for my brand is, yeah, just to make you laugh. I feel like it's just so important that as a brand you make people feel something. And I do a lot of videos to educate people because it's so funny how little people know about taking care of their pets, um, their dogs. So I came up with a pet parent course, which is on my website and um, I teach other groomers how to make every dog look adorable.
I am a big believer in education because I know I can, through education, I can help dogs, I can help dogs feel better if they're better taken care of. - Chess, I'm so grateful for our time. And I imagine you're heading back into the dog room. How many dogs are at your place now? - Oh man, well, we don't really allow more than 15 in a day, so I have about 15 dogs coming in every day, which is low. - I imagine you have to help the dogs get along with each other as well, right?
- I mean, most of our clients are regulars, so usually they're just kinda lounging and they kind of know the drill. I'm sure you can hear my dogs clicking as she walks next to me. She's right here, um, whining her tail. Um, but yeah, so usually the dogs get along pretty well. - That's great, Jess, thanks for this journey into compassion and a, a journey into the world of dogs. - Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm so honored to be here. I'm such a fan. - Thank you, Jess. - Thank you.
- Thank you for listening to our podcast. My name is Liza in Grassi. I'm the CEO and president of Hoffman Institute Foundation. - And I'm Rasing Rossi Hoffman, teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute Foundation. - Our mission is to provide people greater access to the wisdom and power of love - In themselves, in each other, and in the world. To find out more, please go to hoffman institute.org.