Welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Sharon Moore and I'm one of your hosts. And on this podcast, we talk to Hoffman graduates about how their courageous journey inward impacted their personal lives, but also how it impacted their community and the world at large. So tune in and listen in and hear how our graduates authentic selves, how their love, how their spirits are making a positive impact on our world today.
In other words, get to know their love's everyday radius. All right. Welcome back, everybody. So today my guest is Julio Alvarez. He is a fellow Hoffman graduate with an incredible story, and he is here sharing his story now because he is devoted and inspired by the idea that he can inspire other people, all you listeners out there. So rather than me telling you about Julio, I'm going to introduce him and bring him right to the show. Julio, welcome to the
show. Wow. Thank you. Thank you, Sharon. Nice to see you and, be here. It's exciting. I'm grateful. It is. And I can't wait to dive in because I've enjoyed our talks beforehand. But what I always like to do is start with the process. You know, this this podcast is about love's radius, and it starts with the concept that when we do our inner work, suddenly the radius of our love increases. So let's start with the process. What got you to come to the Hoffman process?
I attended the Hoffman process in 2018, but to understand how I got there, we gotta go back a little bit. I grew up in a conservative suburb of Long Island. My dad was, I'm a first generation Ecuadorian American, so my dad moved here when he was young and met my mom and had me as a teenager while they were teenagers. And for the large part of my life, my dad and I always found ourselves at odds with each other.
And to the point where in high school, I had come out or starting to come out, began the process by which I was finding myself and my identity. And that didn't quite map to what I now know that he intended for me. And we got into arguments, and he had kicked me out in high school, and it had been more than 10 years since I had spoken to my father.
And what I what led me to Hoffman was recognizing the moment when the patterns that I had manifested when I was younger because of these experiences started showing up in both my personal life and my professional life so much so that they got to a point where, you know, like a ton of bricks, they had smacked me upside my head and I knew I needed to understand and unpack and process what was going on. And that led me to Hoffman. Like a ton of bricks.
So I hear this often and it's different for every person. What, what was happening? What was the ton of bricks like? Well, it's funny looking back, I can connect the dots, but I feel now that life is always speaking to you, that there are always these whispers, and they usually start small. It's like, that was kind of a rough thing to say to your manager, or, ah, that was kinda harsh to communicate to your partner, or that wasn't very nice what you did for your friend. And it and it's it starts
small like that. And then over time, these patterns start to develop and they get louder and louder and louder. And what had happened to me is I realized I did not feel accepted or wanted in my household by my father my entire life. And so I manifested that as I went through my job and my career in tech, riding the Silicon valley train going really, really fast. And I was not showing up being the person I wanted to be because I would take things from
the memories of my father. Right? Like, this notion of being condescending sometimes, this tension with authority and respect, this desire to feel worthy of belonging in my job and everything. And I started to manifest these patterns. And one day, I'm in a big tech job, and I get let go. And that was the ton of bricks. It was a Monday morning at 9 AM. I walk in with my manager and HR, and it's like, this isn't working out. We're not bringing out the best in
each other. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. The first time that this had happened was when my father rejected me in high school. The second time that it happened was at work in a in an area where I felt total control. And that was the wake up call. That was the ton of bricks that had me say, hang on. We have to figure out what's going on here. Wow. And so when when your boss said that to you, were you in agreement? Like, yeah, yeah, of course. I, I, of course, we
are not getting seeing eye to eye. Or were you in utter shock? Like, what? Yes, we are. That's a great question. My dark side was in utter shock. How dare you? I have worked so hard to control every aspect of this. I'm executing. I'm delivering. I'm getting stuff done. But he murmured the words to me that I will always remember. He said, Julio, I think you are well intentioned but poorly misunderstood.
And it turns out that he's become a good friend, and and in fact, he is the one who had referred me to Hoffman. He's my Hoffman brother, I like to call him. He said to me something I would never forget after it happened. I was stuck in patterns at the moment. It was very traumatic for anyone who's ever gone through a loss of something. It's it's especially sudden. It's it's quite an experience. Anyway, he had said to me, you're well intentioned but poorly misunderstood.
Also, when was the last time you took time to invest in yourself? And I'm not talking about a trip to Hawaii or some self help books or an iPad Pro. And he stopped me in my tracks. I I couldn't answer that question. And that was my first whisper. That was my went to a point where I was able to listen to it and say, okay, I think I need to figure out what Hoffman is and how to take the next step to begin this process. And that was the start of the change of my life.
I'm very moved by, you know, this, this guy was your boss. He could have just said, I'm letting you go. Get out. And instead, he took time to explain, to speak truth, which was probably hard and intimidating for him. And those truth moments were the nuggets that inspired you to change your life. Yeah. Exactly. Because what I now know, because of Hoffman is that there really is no such thing as failure. It is just life trying to shift you into different directions. Hey,
this is not working. This is not bringing out the best in you. You need to check-in with yourself and figure out what is the next right move. What is actually happening here? Why is this not working? And I I needed to get smacked up. I I call it, you know, smacked up beside my side, but I needed to get fired in order to recognize that and be willing to create the time and the space to understand what was actually happening here. How did you transition from, like you said, my
dark side being in pattern? Like, how dare you? What what's going on and all that dark side stuff to an openness to, He just said something interesting. When did I invest in myself? There's there's a bridge there between the two. How did you build that bridge? I think I was so down and out of options. And the fact that this man was willing to give me the time of day in
a world where he didn't have to. And when he said that comment, you know, well intentioned, poorly understood, I knew that my entire life because it was the same thing in all my performance reviews. It was the same thing across all of my relationships. I noticed the pattern of that comment when I started to reflect back and look at my life. I said, wow. This that that is right. That is actually the right manifestation of what's happening here. Like, this makes sense.
And that was the first time I said, okay, I'm in a vulnerable position. I don't know what the next right move is, and I have this man here helping to give me a nugget of truth that may serve me. And I have 2 options, love and fear. I can either fear my way into this and disregard it, or I could take the love road and surrender to it and see where it takes me. And that was the point that I got to. I gotta tell you, I'm I'm moved by the openness and the willingness.
I'm seeing this young man. I know it wasn't that long ago. I guess you said it was 2 2018, but, you know, this highly successful on the Silicon Valley train and suddenly this ton of bricks. And then I see this very I see this, like, unprotected version of you that just asks for help. Like, hey. What do you mean by invest in myself? What ideas do you have? I I'm imagining. Did you pick up the phone and call him later? I mean, it's amazing that you had the courage to do this.
Yeah. I did. I I we didn't talk about this on the 1st day. It was the 2nd day. I needed time to process what had happened, and I wanted to make sure that I was showing up in a way that was going to move me in a direction forward as opposed to keep me in a spiral or have me move backwards. I didn't wanna make the situation any worse.
I think what also form, what also really solidified my need to move in this direction was that this was also manifesting itself in my personal life and not being able to find a relationship and always trying to seek validation, feel worthy of love and belonging by going on lots of dates and always being at events and having my calendar booked ever in full every night. Because if I were to do that and people were to recognize me and want to be hanging out with me,
I was therefore worthy. I belonged there. I was good enough to be there, and it wasn't clicking. And so the combination of this sort of manifesting in my personal life and my professional life said, okay. What other option do I have? Like, I can't answer that question. I haven't invested in myself. I mean, yeah, we've all I learned
this at Hoffman. We've all read the books, but there is a poignant difference between reading a book and highlighting a few pages and actually doing the work to get still and slow down and figure out how can I be in the driver's seat of my life? Because if I'm not, then life is going to drive me, and that's what was happening to me. Does that make sense? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And and you just, spoke back about stuff you learned from the process.
I'm curious if there are either one or several moments that stand out as kind of that magical pivotal moment for you in the process. There were a couple moments. I'll start with the first. I mean, gosh, I had never meditated or visualized a day in my life until Hoffman. I gotta be honest, after that conversation where, you know, my boss had said, hey, go to Hoffman. I looked it up, but not not too much because I didn't wanna overthink
it. And after the 1st day, I remember walking back to the carriage house, which is the Napa location, and thinking like, wow. I have to do this for a week? Like, I don't think there's ever been a moment where I've actually gotten still to check-in with myself. And that was the start of my awakening. That night in bed, it was, you know, 10:30.
They give you your, you know, the melatonin and your little eye thing, and you're sitting there, and I'm praying and setting my intention for the week saying, I don't know what this is, what I just got myself into, but I'm here, and this is the right next move, and I'm gonna learn how to get still. And to this day, I carry a meditation practice. Thanks to Hoffman, by the way, doing the IG lives. I have built a consistent meditation process every day of my life since
Hoffman because of that. I I I'm still so moved by this this this kid or or, you know, this person, I shouldn't say kid, but this person who's had a lifetime full of these patterns. And then even to hear your own internalized conversation as you walk on that first night, which that first night of Hoffman is is so funny to think about for anybody who's been through the process. Right? But just to imagine that your inner dialogue was, hey. I'm here. I don't know what this is, but I'm gonna stay
here. Yeah. And and I didn't know what it was either, but it felt nice to be in that state of not knowing, which funny enough brings me to the second highlight of my moment, of of a moment that stands out for me. And this was midweek. Okay? We were there was an event where we're doing a collective group exercise in an in the evening and it involves everyone in the class.
And somehow, some way, first, I I remember that first night saying, I'm gonna surrender to this thing and just be my raw, authentic, vulnerable self and see where it takes me. That night, I end up organizing and facilitating the event on behalf of the group.
And it was a transformative night that I'll remember for the rest of my life because that evening, someone said to me, a Hoffman brother said to stop me and said, an older fella who who is now is a very successful restauranteur, and I I admired and respected just by the energy he was bringing to the room and how kind and loving and gentle he was as a father figure. It was it was beautiful. And he said, wow. What you did, that's what flow looks like.
I cannot wait to see what you do for a living after this. For him, it was probably a passing comment of, like, I'm just gonna throw him some love because of how this thing happened and and what it did for him during that
night. But to me, it was so much deeper than that because multiple people had said it, and it was really a powerful moment where I realized, wow, this is the universe reinforcing that when I surrender and let go of all the other expectations that I have for myself, all the weight of that, and just show up as my authentic self in that particular moment, people who don't even know me see it. I mean, how crazy is that? And it brought tears to my eyes.
So here you are. You're the organizer facilitating, and you're told that's what flow looks like, and and you say, wow. This is what it feels like when I surrender. What was it out of the ordinary for you to be the facilitator and organizer? What part of that was the was felt like the surrender to you? It's a great question. Surrendering of expectations about from others to towards me.
I always if I were to chart the arc of, you know, all the stuff I've ever done, you know, my family today, my mom lives in a Habitat for Humanity house, on Long Island because I was part of the group of student builders in high school that would help figure out which families needed homes in need and then help build them and raise money. So I always found myself in these groups where I was facilitating and organizing things. So it was natural to find myself looking back in that role.
But where the surrender came in was that my entire life, I had struggled for validation that that was worthy. Like, doing that role, doing that work was good enough in a world where my dad, you know, ripped up my college application letters and said, like, go get a job. Go get a job. Why do you don't need to go to college. Go get a job. So on one hand, if I was to see you in other contexts, I would say, oh, yeah. That's what he always does. He's the
leader. He's the organizer. He's the facilitator. But what I'm hearing is before that moment, you did that with this kind of internal drive to prove something. And here was a shift where you got to step into your natural skills with kind of a grounded anchor in your own worthiness. Yes. And I got to see myself with my own heart and, you know, love myself with my own eyes.
Here were these people who were so beautiful and radiant and interesting in their own way because this was midweek, so I started to get to know people. And here they were sending love my way, like honoring me for something that they're seeing in a world where I found it hard to see it in myself. And it was the first time that I connected the idea of surrendering to this bigger thing and being open and having people honor and validate and recognize
it as a strength. You know, Barbara, my teacher, I remember in one of our sessions said, Julio, your sweetness is a strength. Never forget that. And it touched my I cried on the way home. It touched my heart. It really did. Oh, that makes me also wanna cry. Yeah. In a world where I never got that, you know, like my dad never said anything nice to me like that. So love you, Barb. Barbara. If you're listening, Barbara, we love you. So I wanna I wanna make sure I understood
something here. Did you say that in high school, you helped Habitat for Humanity identify where they should build their houses? Yeah. I think what I realize now is my parents started to get divorced when I was in 6th grade. And boy, for those of you who have ever been through a, a rough divorce, it's traumatic and it went on for years.
I would move back and forth between my mom and my dad because they would fight over the house or who's paying child support and who's doing this and who's doing that and who owns what. And I was stuck in the middle of that, and I remember finding I needed to find an outlet, a mechanism by which I can spend my energy to do something and not be stuck in the home. And my way of doing that was by acts of service in the community. I don't know why. I don't know how
it came to be. I just know that's what it was. So for example, there's the Rotary Club, which is like a local group of businessmen and women, and then there's the Interact Club,
which is the high school version. You know, I created that in our high school, and I would spend my nights and weekends and get to get to school early and leave late, and I would be organizing, making posters and fundraisers and pet photos with Santa and, you know, Relay For Life's, whether it was like starting the 1st Relay For Life in my neighborhood, working at Habitat where we were doing these
things called student builds. So we'd, you know, knock on the door of Lowe's and say, hey, would you match us $50 and we're gonna fundraise it and we're gonna build it.
And, I even was gone as far as in high school to be on the family selection committee, which is the committee that meets a few times a year, and they take all of the applications and they review them from credit score to the essays, etcetera, and then visit the current state of those folks and then make a recommendation based on need, you know, who can who can be slotted in what. And that's what that's what I had done.
Like, I had spent my time in those areas where I felt like I was adding value and I was worthy of being there and I was needed. And how do you, reconcile in your life today? It sounds like acts of so I mean, listen, when I think about a young person trying to, kind of like you said, spend my energy so that I get to get out of the house. You could have gotten a job at Jamba Juice. You couldn't have got a job at Starbucks, but, no, you chose Well, I did work at Chuck
E. Cheese. I did I was a game room attendant. I did do that for, like, 6 months. You could only handle 6 months. That's more than most people at Chuck E. Cheese. But my point here is that you didn't channel it that way. You channeled it by giving back. Right? And there seems to be this thread. And so I'm curious, how does that show up in your adult life now? Well, it's interesting you say that because the first thing that comes to my heart is it doesn't show up as much as it
used to. And I'm in a point in my life where I'm making that change consciously. I found myself doing all these community service
things. I managed to get a full scholarship to NYU, which by the way, another important part of this story to understand it is not only was I doing this service, but I was also having increasingly more difficult relationship with my father the older I got from 6th grade to high school to the point where in high school, the straw that broke the camel's back was one day he came into my room and ripped off my whiteboard and ripped my college application letters and said, I'm not paying for your
college. Go get a job, go get an effing job. And we got into a fight and police were called and he was arrested and I had to be I had to I had to move out and it just so happens. So first of all, imagine that. And then just so happens the next day after all of the community service work I had done, I had done it with a fellow Rotarian who's like, you know, older, owns a small business, does the I'm gonna help the high school
kids out. You know, we're gonna do a fundraiser at my place, or I'm gonna I'm gonna buy the photo film, or I'm gonna contribute the car to chaperone to pick people up in height, we're talking high school here. And I was winning an award called the Paul Harris Fellow, and I was, at the time, I was the youngest person to get it, and it's bestowed on people who contribute acts of service above and beyond in the community.
And at that night at that table was my mom and Dave and Dee, and, you know, long story short, they decided to take me in. And it is because of them that I was able to go off to NYU and be where I am today. Wow. I have a 1000000 and 1 questions. I'm gonna slow down and just ask one at a time. But if I got this right, you are a high schooler, and you get in a in a fight with your dad to the point where police are called.
You then still show up for your obligations the next day, right, and show up at this event. And, coincidentally, the this these people are there, and they learn about your situation, and they take you in. What is it like to suddenly be in a home that is not what you're used to? You know, Hoffman, we talk about left road, right road, and how we will still choose the left road even though it's not good because it's familiar. So you're in this new environment. It might be, quote, unquote, better,
but it is not familiar. What what was that like for you? Very hard. Yeah. It was very hard. Yeah. I remember I remember the first night. It was it was raining, and I I was looking outside. And I just remember thinking like, wow. These 2 people don't even really know me that well. And, like, they had the audacity to do that. It's kinda crazy when you think about it. In fact, I just talked to Dave today, who's, you know, my dad, in many respects.
And he's in his sixties, and he's still going a 1000000 miles an hour and and, you know, of of helping him think about how to turn his business into a nonprofit, such that it ends up generating funds to be in perpetual service of the community. I had an moment today. I was like, this man, you know, what a blessing in my life for these people to just be real gifts to me. So it was hard. It was it was very hard. And and that's when the shell formed.
You know, I give the example I think I talked to you about this, but, like, I used to I used to love WWE as a kid, you know, The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, because he manifested this profile through his energy and through his music and through his demeanor of, like, I'm a I'm a tough guy. I can make it through anything. And I remember calling upon that so many times of, like, I can do this. Like, I'm a tough guy. I got it. I got it. And I had this armor.
And over the course of those, you know, the 10 years of where I I didn't talk to my dad for 10 years, and I didn't talk to my dad until Hoffman. Like, when he kicked me out, we didn't talk. And it got to the point where I would intermittently, over the course of 10 years, go to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. And do you know that when I would walk into the room without even looking at me, he would feel my presence and my energy, and he would get up, and he would walk to the next room.
And the entire family would carry that burden. It was akin to, you know, if you've ever watched for Harry Potter fans, when Harry and and and Ron and Hermione are going on the train to Hogwarts and to mentors descend upon the train, and all of a sudden, everything goes dark. That's how it felt every time. And you felt like you were the one did you feel like it was you that brought in the darkness? No. I felt that well oh, wait. That's
a great question. Yes. Well, you you said and the family had to carry that burden, so I got a sense that you felt like you were burdening your family, like it was your falter. Yes. And I I remember being in those rooms and saying, I'm gonna stand my ground. I'm not I'm not leaving. I'm not getting out of this. I'm gonna stay here, and we're gonna enjoy Thanksgiving. And whatever room I go to, if he doesn't wanna go to it, that's his that's his thing. And what I recognize is that that was armor.
That was the 20 ton shield that Brene talks about. That was me feeling like I was a tough guy when, really, it was young Julio that was really hurt and needed to find freedom on the other side of forgiveness. I needed to find a way to forgive him, and that is what Hoffman allowed me to do. And that was that was they changed my life. And so are you in communication with him now? Yes.
After Hoffman, we met up with my husband for the first time in more than 10 years at a water park in splish splash out on Long Island, which interestingly enough, this whole thing was facilitated by my 11 year old niece because there came a moment where the older my niece got, she recognized that her uncle and her abuelo was they weren't talking to each other, and that wasn't computing. Why was it that every time I would see him, like, my uncle wouldn't be around? Like, what's going on here?
I don't understand what's actually happening here. And she called it out. She had the audacity and the courage to say, what's going on? Is it because you're gay? Because that's not okay. And she said, we're gonna go to Slush Splash, and you're gonna beat him, and we're gonna go on rides together, and that's gonna be that. And do you know she that manifested itself shortly after Hoffman. Now Hoffman, my my process was in March. Okay? So that summer. And I reconnected with him.
And just the other day, he came over to, you know, help me install dimmer switches in the new apartment that my husband now have. We've moved closer to family. And it is that is really my that is really my moment. One of my big moments from Hoffman was my ability to forgive and now have this man be a part of my life and see him as who he is and have compassion and empathy for everything that happened because I now understand that he was a teenager.
He was moving he came to this world not speaking into America not speaking English, being around all these hotshots on the on the railroad, these union guys, and he needed to show up and be a certain self. And I didn't reflect back to him what his idea was of a son. I had glasses. I was a little chunky. I had white skin. You know, he's Ecuadorian. He's much darker. I would prefer a compact presario over a soccer ball any day of the week.
You know, at the time, I love you know, I was all about computers and geeky stuff, and that that just didn't map, and we were always at odds. Anyway, I think I've gone off on a tangent, but No. Tangent. It's the most beautiful thing ever. I I'm I'm I'm so touched by all of it. The niece.
Wow, the splish splash, the rather than having to sit at a table and look at each other with a cup of coffee, no, no, no. We're gonna go, to some rides and and how wise this niece was and how open and unarmored you must have had to have been in order for this to have happened. Yeah. It was a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. Yeah. Wow. I'm just so happy that you got to have that day and that you get to have these future chapters.
And that's part of the reason why I think this, why my telling my story really came to me as of the, you know, the virtual conference suite we recently had, the Hoffman thing, is because I realized with all of that's been going on in COVID, you know, my dad got it. He and my mom and my aunts and my uncles, I mean, most everyone in my family had gotten it, and many had been hospitalized.
So it made in this moment everything in my life very real, you know, in a split, it brought everything very close and very bare again. And I remember this year choosing to extend and develop my relationship with my father and the rest of my family and thinking to myself, wow, what a breath of fresh air to feel, this freedom and let go of this.
And if I had only paid attention to the whispers earlier in my life, And I'm sharing the story because if you're hearing this and this resonates, then this is your first whisper. That maybe there is some value in doing the work and thinking about where are those moments in your life where you can find freedom on that other side of forgiveness like I did, because it really
has been a breath of fresh air. And I, you know, I did a vision exercise this weekend, and what came up for me, the visual that came up for me was this notion of climbing Mount Everest and this idea that there's different base camps, and you get to different base camps as you as you climb. And I've I'm at a I'm at one of the base camps, and I'm looking back at my life now. And I'm taking a breather, and I'm taking stock, and I'm saying, okay.
Now that I understand myself better, now that I've been able to forgive, what then is the next path for me? What does the next decade look like for a more embodied Julio? And here we are. Beautiful. And that's that's a question that doesn't necessarily have an answer. It's just a question that continues to be present. Julio, wow. What an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
I gotta tell you that I just wanna say in closing, the the way I read you is just such a resilient spirit. And what I love is that from the onlooker, you're still the same person, meaning you organize and things are meaningful, and and you're the leader, and you'll take control, and you'll make things happen.
But your internal terrain has shifted in that you come from a place of worthiness and self love and self forgiveness and self compassion and an unarmored heart and the ability to forgive others, the ability to have compassion. So you said that people told you you're well intentioned but poorly misunderstood, and it seems like now you are well intentioned and very well understood. Mhmm. Well said. I love that.
And one thing quickly that comes to mind, this is something Ed had shared in the virtual conference and I really I had an I really rang true that there is no doing without being. He had this model of, like, we grow up in this world where we need to do a lot so that we can have lots of things. And then once we have these things, then we can be then we can be happy, then we can be worthy, then we can be satisfied.
And what this journey and this time off has really taught me, that those are out of order. You have to be first, and you have to understand who you are, and get still and listen, that propels and informs what you end up doing. And once you're doing that, then you can have everything that you know, you can have the fulfillment. You can have the wholeness. And, that really, that came to mind when you just said what you said. And I'll tell you what, you are your story and your presence,
that is a complete embodiment of that. Well, thank you. This has been a pleasure. Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for letting us into your heart and for doing it in the interest of inspiring others. You are such a a man of the collective, and it is very much felt. Thank you, Sharon. Thank you, Julio. Good night, everybody. Good day. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for listening to our podcast. My
name is Liza Ingrassi. I'm the CEO and president of Hoffman Institute Foundation. And I'm Razi Ingrassi, Hoffman teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute Foundation. Our mission is to provide people greater access to the wisdom and power of love. In themselves, in each other, and in the world. To find out more, please go to hoffmaninstitute dotorg.