- Welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Drew Horning, and on this podcast we catch up with graduates for conversations around how their internal work in the process is informing their life outside the process, how their spirit and how their love is living in the world around them, their everyday radius. Hey everybody, my name is Drew Horning and welcome to the Hoffman Podcast. It's great to have you join us in our weekly conversations.
Uh, today we have Jake Tar with us. Jake, so glad you're here. Would you introduce yourself? - Absolutely, drew. Thank you. Uh, I'm Jake Tar and I live in Washington DC I've been a partner with, uh, kinetic Ventures, an early stage venture firm for the last 30 years. I'm married to my wife Carrington, uh, now 27 years. And we have three teenage children, a son who just went off to college and twin girls who are seniors in high school. - What was, uh, shelter in place like for the five of you?
- You know, it was, uh, it was pretty great, honestly. Our son was on a one year gap year before going to college, and he was in Spain at the time when the president said we were closing the borders and everybody needed to rush home. So he, he rushed home and that put the family back together.
And, you know, for my wife, she saw it as an opportunity to cook all the meals that we, the family meals we never had before because everybody was so busy, you know, going to gymnastics or dance practice or baseball games or whatever. So it was a great reunification of the family, honestly. - Fantastic. I, um, I'm thinking about you and your process. Was it 11 years ago that you took the process? - Yes, it was 11 years ago. Amazing .
- And, um, tell me a little bit about why, like, your, why, why would you sign up for this thing on the other side of the country that was a week long and then actually eight days long that would require that you give up your phone? What was the motivation for you? - That's such a great question. At that time in my life, I was in a YPO Forum, young President Organization forum. This was a group of, uh, CEOs who would meet once a month for three or four hours.
And over the course of several years, we got to know each other very intimately. And one of the members had Don Hoffman himself, and we all witnessed a utter transformation in Ed from the time, uh, he left at the time he returned. It was truly phenomenal, and he came back with such a sense of peace that, uh, was just palpable.
And, and he said, Jake, you know, I've listened to you here in our forum meetings and, and I, I think some of the things you're struggling to cross crossover, you'd find you could let go of if you did Hoffman. So he urged me to do it, and, and it took me many months, uh, before I actually took him up on that offer. But that was the stimulus to do it. Uh, it was a time of my life where children were quite young.
My wife and I were, you know, having the kind of fights that probably one has at that stage in life, but still, it felt like there was a better path for me. And I also felt like I, I, I'd had this emerging thought that there was a, uh, that there was a different way I could be experiencing each moment in my life. I didn't know what that was. I just had this something telling me, oh, you know, you could think about each situation differently. That that was gnawing at me.
And Ed said, you know, Jake, you really ought to go to Hoffman and and I think you'll be surprised by how it might impact your life. - You know, it's normal, um, to take time to digest a suggestion like that from a colleague and friend. And yet you referenced it. So I'm wondering, what, what did you need to do, think, feel prior to actually making the call yourself? - Yeah, we were, uh, our firm was in the middle of a fundraising effort.
You know, we're raising our next fund and that was a responsibility that I was in charge of for the firm. So I felt like I was indispensable and I couldn't be gone for a week and, you know, all that sort of craziness. And ultimately, truly what happened was , my wife and I, we had a really, really just a big fight and, uh, and I knew, okay, this is, this can't wait any longer. And I went upstairs to my computer and logged in and registered for Hoffman. So that was the trick, ultimately.
- Wow. So then you, you make your way to Hoffman you in your process. Take us into your process and when did you have a moment that, that you can still remember now 11 years later? - I would have to say, first of all, drew, there are so many moments that are memorable. My teacher Jane bdi, was just remarkable in her dedication to, to my process and having the experience I was hoping to have. So that's certainly a big memory.
But for me personally, there was a moment when we were engaged in a self-forgiveness exercise where, you know, we were asking to forgive ourselves for something that we had done. And I had come to the process with the ambition of forgiving my parents for some of the experiences I had as a child. I think most of us can identify with that idea that there are certain things in our childhood childhood that we wish had happened that didn't.
And there are things in our childhood that we wish didn't happen that did, you know, and we can carry that with us into adulthood. And I certainly did. So I went there hoping to forgive my parents for those experiences. But it was really when I turned the light on myself to forgive myself for some things that I had a truly profound experiences, just, you know, it was a spiritual awakening beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I didn't feel like it was on the menu of things that were being offered, but yet that's what happened for me. And, uh, it was just remarkably transformative in that moment for the rest of my process. And then for at least a year afterwards, I just spent all my time trying to understand what had happened to me. And it was, I mean, I was in this state of, uh, peace and calm, uh, very blissful.
And I just read a lot of books to understand what I had experienced because I really felt as though I came in contact with what many people would describe as the divine, the divine presence. It was unbelievable. - Jake, it's interesting because it's, it's an idea, it's a practice that so often people actually reverse what you just said. They read the books to have the experience.
And in fact, part of what allows us to have the experience is to let go of the intellect, trying to understand moment to moment, wait, what's happening? What's happening, what is this? And instead to just let go and surrender to the cellular experience. And then later we can come back and try and make sense, as you say, of what actually happened there. So what, for you, what did happen and, and how did you apply it post-process?
- I'll say this, one of the things that, as I mentioned, I went to the process to forgive my parents. And after the process, I, I, I really felt it physically that that had occurred. And, and what I would say also is it wasn't anything that I had gained in the process. It was everything that I had let go of, you know, I felt this incredible space of openness inside of me. And, and there was a period where I wondered, is this really true? Has this really occurred for me? Is it lasting?
And, uh, and I I, I really didn't know for sure that it really was lasting until I met with my forum and I wasn't sure what I was gonna tell them about the experience. And then I told him, yeah, you know, I achieved my goal. You know, I just feel this utter forgiveness for everything I experienced as a child. And at that point, my father had died, but I did go visit my mother.
And, um, I sat down with her and I told her, you know, mom, I just want you to know that I'm okay with everything that, you know, happened in our family and happened in my childhood. And that's really all I said. And I don't think it was the words that I spoke, but it was the, probably the what was conveyed, not just by the words, but just by everything about me in that moment. And it was unbelievable. 'cause she told me things on the heels of that that she'd never said to me before.
Something about my letting go, let her reveal herself in ways she'd never been able to before. So it was very powerful, very powerful. - It's like you brought a kind of, uh, presence to the conversation that then freed up both of you. I'm imagining you sitting there, is she still alive now or has she passed? - She's, she's still alive. Yeah. - And how about parenting and marriage? How did the process impact those areas? - Ah, that's such a great question, .
So, uh, another fond story of mine from, uh, that period of my life is that my friend, ed, who I mentioned, who had done the process, he CEO of a company, but also a great musician and his music career exploded in a very favorable way after doing the Hoffman process. And, uh, he recorded his first album not long after I had done the process, and he sent it to me. He said, Jake, I'd love you to listen to this and gimme your feedback.
And this was at a time when we were all carrying those little, I wanna say I iPod, I guess it was those little things to listen to music. And, uh, I, I did not know how to transfer a file from my computer onto that device, so I had to ask my wife to do it for me. So she said, great. And, uh, she was sitting at her computer and we're listening to Ed Sing as, as this music is downloading and petting the belly of our dog.
And I've got my back at my wife because I'm petting the dog and I'm listening to Ed and I'm thinking I could not possibly be happier than I am in this moment. I'm listening to my very best friend singing, I'm with my wife right now, I'm petting our dog. And, uh, then I turn and look at my wife 'cause she's tapping away on her keys on the computer. I said, well, what are you doing? And she said, oh, I just registered for Hoffman . - Oh, wow. - Yeah. And that was about three months after.
It was probably one, she went three months after I did. So it was probably, you know, a month after I had done Hoffman. And she had seen such a profound change in me that she felt called to do the process herself. And, uh, you know, it's created a, a commonality between us that's, you know, been lasting in a place we can always go to in times of trouble. But I can tell you we have since never had a fight like the one that sent me there, .
- So do you have, um, do you use some of the same language I'm imagining from the process? - Process? Yeah, I, I, you know, you know, I think we do, but it's, um, so much has unfolded in our lives since then.
I mentioned to you that, um, earlier that, uh, I spent a year searching for what had happened to me, this, this profound spiritual awakening that I experienced, and also a strong desire to, to continue to nurture that experience and, and that awareness in myself, that sense of presence and calm and one technique, certainly to use the tools that Hoffman, uh, provided. But I was drawn also to the practice of meditation.
So I've been a dedicated meditator now for a decade and, you know, have done many silent retreats. Uh, my wife has been drawn into it, and we probably meet more there through that shared practice than we do what we learned in Hoffman. But Hoffman will always be that shared foundation that, that we rely on. - And, you know, 10 years ago, meditation was still, uh, coming up, not as popular as it is today. What is it about meditation, Jake, that, that, that works for you?
I'm imagining you have a, a regular daily practice. What happens? - For me, it's the opportunity to rest in that silent awareness that's inside all of us, you know, to return to that spot, that, that place that we all have inside of us that is there before our thoughts or our emotions, uh, you know, the true ground of being. It's just, for me, a really important way to start every single day. And I'll tell you, it's funny, this is probably seven years ago.
We were on a ski trip, the family was, and I've found that whenever something changes my schedule, like a vacation, it can interfere with my meditation practice. You know, I'll get out of sync. And we are a couple hours time zone changed. We were skiing out west and we'd been there for four or five days and I realized, gosh, I have not meditated in four or five days. So we were on the hill and I told my wife, I just said, Hey, I'm gonna go back early today.
I didn't say why, but I said, I'm just gonna go back early today. And, uh, and I did, and I meditated, and the family came back a little bit later and we were just talking. And my wife Karen says, by the way, have you, have you meditated lately? ? So that was probably the first time when I recall one of my family members noticing when I haven't meditated, you know, and there have been times since where my kids would ask me, have you meditated lately?
? And they usually can tell if there's been a few days when I haven't. They like me much better when I am. - Isn't it nice to have, um, to have created a community where your kids and spouse feel free enough to give you feedback in the moment? - Yeah, no, it's really terrific. - And, um, so if you, if we keep following the, the thread of life post process, um, you know, one of the things we ask, um, during the process as a part of it is to get a positive message from your spiritual self.
And sometimes I, I always sneak in that those positive messages from spirit don't always come in words. Sometimes words are the product of our intellect. And so I'm imagining that meditation allows for the felt sense of your spirit to show up and, and be with you. - I think that's true. If you're looking for response, I'm, I'm, - Yeah, I was just, yeah. Does that resonate with you?
- Yeah. So I'm a, uh, through my meditation practice, I am a profound believer in tuning into the felt sense of things. So I spend a lot of time listening in that way. And that's an important part of my daily meditation is, is to enliven my body, awaken every part of my body to the present moment. That's really, in fact how all my meditations begin. - Have you engaged, we talked a little bit about taking that, the wisdom that you've gained through your own practice and then spreading that out.
Would you describe a little bit more about that, that, uh, we spoke about prior to, uh, us pushing record? - You know, one of the great things about, uh, the many, many great things about my wife is that she somehow seems to always have already the book I wanna read. I'll say, oh, I wanna read this book. And she said, oh, I just bought it. Here you go, . And also, uh, guiding me on my path in a way. But she's not guiding, she's not trying to, she just is somehow there when I need that help.
And I told her I wanted to nurture this, uh, whatever was inside of me, and I thought meditation was the way to do it. And she said, well, you should look up this guy Jonathan Faust, who's right here in Washington dc He does a program called A Year of Living Mindfully. And I thought, wow. And I checked it out, and of course, it was really meant for people who are already very deep in, uh, a meditation practice, the poss and a meditation, you know, insight meditation.
And they, he wanted to know how many retreats that I've been on and that sort of thing. But he ended up accepting me in the program based on the strength of, of my Hoffman experience and, and why I was coming to a year of living mindfully. And it was really phenomenal. At the end of it, I enjoyed it so much, but I really couldn't maintain the schedule that he had us on, which was weekends and evenings.
But I could keep going if, if he could do it during the day, during the week, because I'm the CEO of a company and I can, you know, set my schedule. And many of my YPO friends the same way we would hold our meetings, you know, in the mornings. So I set up a group of 10 folks, which we call, we've been doing it now for, I think we're in our seventh year transformational journey. It's about a dozen CEOs in the Washington area, and we meet for three hours a month in person.
Now we've gone to Zoom. But anyway, coming out of that experience, my, uh, YPO chapter said, Hey, could you offer a program to our chapter? So a couple years ago, along with an another Hoffman grad, we offered a year long mindfulness program. We invited Jonathan in, uh, to lead it, uh, to our YPO chapter two chapters, actually. And that was so successful. The first year, we had 24 people participate. The second year we had, uh, 36.
And then, uh, this summer during covid, we started offering it online, first in Washington dc but then we had chapters in New York asked for our, you know, to join the program, uh, chapters in Florida. So it's really spread that way. And I, you know, I really enjoy sharing the mindfulness practices with people in my peer group, uh, at least right now. - Well, that's fantastic. It sounds like you've had, um, strong interest and, um, signups. Uh, Jake, let me ask you a question.
What is it about the, the, I'm just curious about CEOs in particular around the importance of meditation and mindfulness. What do you notice in their stepping into it? - Oh, that's such a great question, drew. So I'm gonna go back to my YPO experience in the forum, and, and that is that, you know, I believe that, you know, CEOs typically clearly have enjoyed success in their life. What, what society considers success, right? They're in charge, they're probably well compensated.
So they have, uh, all the benefits that come with high compensation, and from that, they have projected on them this sense of perfection, right? People expect them to be perfect or bulletproof, and they believe that they themselves have to project that same image. But what I saw in my YPO forum, and I think I've seen it over and over again, is that CEOs are suffering just like everyone else. There's, uh, tough elements of their life that may reach back to childhood.
There are tough elements in their life that is going on today in their marriages and so forth. So they're struggling like the rest of us, but they feel this need to project this image of perfection. So creating an environment where they can explore and, and tend to that suffering can be very, very powerful. And it's, I think they feel most comfortable doing it again in a, in a peer group where they feel like the people they're talking to can relate to what they're saying.
- It's, it's almost as if allowing their full humanity to not truncate, um, their maybe less, uh, the more inc ary aspects of themselves and to just embrace all of who they are. Do, do they come back and report more positive interactions and connections and success from their companies as a result of this work? - Yeah, I, I can share, you know, a few anecdotes.
Um, Uh, a friend of mine who was, uh, CEO of a fairly prominent company here in Washington for many years, he was trying to decide was he gonna continue or not. Uh, there were some things that he still wanted to achieve, but there were other things he'd like to do otherwise. And we did a, a deep visualization in one of our meetings, and he came outta me, realized, oh, it's, it's time to move on. And he was utterly clear and, uh, he just let go of those things that were keeping him there.
So that's an example of someone moving on. But then there's also like just little things like for this larger YPO group that we were doing the year long for. Some of these people, I think, you know, had never meditated before and they might only meditate during that time we were together. But this one, CEO came in and said, you know, I, uh, have a weekly executive committee meeting with my top reports, and I decided to start one meeting. I said, Hey, will you guys try something with me?
He said, I want us to just sit in silence for five minutes. He said, now you can close your eyes or you can keep your eyes open, but let's just try it and, and see what happens. And he said he wasn't sure what motivated him to do it, but he just spontaneously did it. And of course they all did it because he's the CEO. And then five minutes were up and they held their meeting, but it was at the end of the meeting they said, wow, that was the best meeting we've ever had. Can we do that again?
Can we start all our meetings that way? ? So, you know, that gets carried into the workplace in different ways. - And, uh, the, the surprise, um, at the power of silence, um, and then the request for regular silence, what a, a nice transition there. You know, Jake, I can't believe we haven't talked about it yet, but you are, when did your, all of this transformation and this work and this progress and the way in which Hoffman impacted you so positively, you now are a board member.
How, how did that come about? - Quite simply, Raz asked me would I like to join the board, , you know, and uh, and I said, yes, but I, I stayed in involved or connected or interested in and after completing the process, and Raz would come to Washington periodically and we would get together. And I tried to be supportive in any way I could. And certainly I introduced quite a number of people to do the process, all of whom came back, you know, so grateful that they had done it.
But I have to say, I consider it the highest honor to be on the board of Hoffman. The work that Hoffman does is so incredible. It's so rewarding. All the teachers are phenomenal. I just can't say enough about how pleased I am to be able to be a small part of what happens there. - Well, it's, thank you for those words. Thank you for your work. It's nice. It's not often we as teachers get to, uh, meet board members. So it's great to be in connection with you around that.
And we are a not-for-profit, and so the board work is so important in terms of the stewardship of the organization. So thank you for that. - You're welcome. It's my pleasure. - Uh, what's it, uh, what's it like to let your mind wander back to your process days and all that happened, uh, just before, during, and after? What's that like for you in this moment? - The felt sense of it, uh, was just very tender, , you know, I can just feel it in my chest.
It's just such a, uh, tender time in my life, so transformative. And I wonder how differently would my life have progressed had I not done Hoffman? I, I'm quite sure it wouldn't be as, as fulfilling as it is today, had I not, and I also, I love thinking about how beautiful I found the world after doing Hoffman and just how excited I was by so many things. And, and then also remembering the experience of how, there'd be days where I'd think, oh, ha ha have I lost that? You know, is it gone?
And I know you all use analogies like this, but it's, it's literally like clouds in the sky, right? They cover up the sun one day, but the next day they're gone and there's the sun again. And I love that enduring experience about the Hoffman process. And it's also, again, a reason why I have such a deep meditation practice. 'cause I like being able to experience the world through those fresh eyes as often as I can.
- Uh, I have a little contact tie with this conversation 'cause to remember my own experience of that tenderness, that's such a accurate word. And the metaphor of the clouds and the, the weather system that comes in and moves out and the sun returns and the day begins again. That's beautiful. I have, uh, one more question. I was thinking about this 'cause I was thinking about your son in college and your twin daughters.
Tell me about what your expectation is or what you say to them or how you might imagine their connection to the process when they might do the process. Do you leave it up to them? Do you suggest it to them? What does that look like? Uh, and I'm asking selfishly. My, my guys are 15 and 13, so it's part of that question.
- When I did the process, my kids were too young to, you know, really understand what I had done, so didn't have the impression on them that it might, if I did it right now, you know, so they, they, they know that we've done it and it doesn't come up that often. However, it's funny, and I can't remember exactly the context, but it came up just last week with one of our daughters, Kate, and I don't know how we were talking about Hoffman, but she asked about it.
And, you know, I described some of my experience and I could tell she was quite interested. And I just said to her, don't worry, your time will come. You'll get the chance. - . So it, it calls us like that, doesn't it? - Yeah. And uh, you know, I wonder when the right time would be for each of them to go, uh, in my process. I'm trying to think if they were in college.
I think there was two women who were just outta college, so they were quite young, but their parents had both done it and they were encouraged to do it. So I'd be delighted if they did it in their twenties. We'll just have to see. It's such a gift. - Jake, I am grateful for this conversation. Thank you for your time, uh, reflecting on all this and your work on the board and your work as you bring people together in meditation. Thank you. - My pleasure, drew. Thank you for all that you're doing.
- Thank - You. - Thank you for listening to our podcast. My name is Liza Rassi. I'm the CEO and President of Hoffman Institute Foundation. - And I'm Ra Degrassi Hoffman, teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute Foundation. - Our mission is to provide people greater access to the wisdom and power of love - In themselves, in each other, and in the world. To find out more, please go to hoffman institute.org.