- Welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a podcast brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Drew Horning, and on this podcast we catch up with graduates for conversations around how their internal work in the process is informing their life outside the process, how their spirit and how their love is living in the world around them, their everyday radius. Hey everybody. Welcome to the Hoffman Podcast. My name is Drew Horning, and today we have Rebecca McLaughlin with us.
Great to have you. Rebecca, would you introduce yourself? - Sure. Thanks so much for having me. Uh, my name's Rebecca McLaughlin and I don't know how to introduce myself other than I'm a, uh, a mom, first and foremost is my most passionate and important work I feel like in the world. And I'm also, um, a certified life coach and licensed therapist, and I work with big energy ambitious women to, um, support them and help them move through what's in the way of them living their vision.
- Well said. Big energy, women supporting them in, uh, creating the life they want as yeah, they move through the world. Beautiful. When did you do the process? - I did the process in 2007, so that's been 13 years. . Wow. - And what motivated you to sign up - Up? Well, I was kind of a young chicken. I was, I think I was 23. And, um, I had a dear mentor, um, and, uh, who was a dear friend, a mentor who was a Hoffman teacher.
Um, she doesn't work at Hoffman anymore, but Ann Simon Wolf, and I was talking with her and I was at a, just a place. I had just finished college. I was, didn't really have a direction, I felt really stuck. Um, I was having all kinds of desires and hopes and dreams, like getting in relationship, becoming a mom, moving to California, like I just was this ripe college grad, um, including not really knowing what I wanted to do for work. I felt, you know, really pretty aimless.
Um, and she suggested that it might be something that I want, wanted to do or would look into, and I just took her word on it because she's so fabulous, . And so I just signed up right away and thank goodness because it, um, I deeply believe completely changed the trajectory of my life. - Wow. Not many people take it as young as you were. 23. - Yeah. . I was lucky. - Yeah. We often hear from people at times. Um, at some point in the process they realize, wait, if only I had done this earlier.
And you kind of did it at a time when you, as you say, fresh outta college, kind of aimless. Take us to your process, Rebecca. Like is there a a moment in time that sticks out for you? - Yeah, so there was, um, a moment in the process where we had just finished an exercise where we were using our body. And, um, I, there was a break and I went outside.
It was nighttime, and I remember laying down on this picnic table and, um, looking at the stars and just feeling this just release and rush of aliveness fill my body. Um, and I really believe it was my, my first embodied experience from, you know, since I was born of, of my aliveness and, and I felt like I was being reborn. And I also really felt, um, that I was getting reconnected with my, um, femininity in many ways.
I saw this image of the birth of Venus in some way, and I, I really felt like from that moment, I still look back to that moment, um, as just this sacred, um, rebirth or, or just moment where things changed for me. And I was reconnected and plugged in in a way that I hadn't ever experienced. - So you said that you, I'm, I'm struck by that. It, it's, you still remember that moment. Do you consciously choose to call it forward? Or does that moment just come to you?
- Um, both. I would say it comes to me sometimes when I'm feeling really good and feeling in flow with my femininity, feeling really embodied in my spirit. And sometimes when I'm not, um, I call it forward. And, um, that specifically the image of the birth of Venus, I have, um, in I think three different places in my home. Little, um, relics of that that I, I keep in sacred places to reflect back to me, um, my spirit.
And it, it's kind of like a little totem for me that reminds me also of that moment and has been extremely helpful as life has continued. And there's been plenty of times that I have felt lost or afraid or off course since the process, you know? - Yeah. So when you say that, um, post-process, feeling lost or off course, part of what I hear you saying is that it's not that, you know, life and its struggles don't still happen.
What's different is that it sounds like you were more deeply connected to your essence, your spirit, - Right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. And you, um, yeah, you're just plugged into a source of, of trust, a source of love, um, that becomes a companion as you continue to live life as a human, which means that you're gonna experience all kinds of things, not just the joys, but the pains, even if you're connected. - So, so 23-year-old Rebecca rolls out of Hoffman.
And, um, what happens in her life post-process? - Well, I, I call that post-process phase, my sunflower phase. I was high as a kite and bright as you could possibly be. And it was, I look back at that time as just this like innocence . It was almost like I got to relive the joy of my childhood. I was free and single and playful. And I remember I went home and bought a cruiser bike and I put a basket on it, . I would ride around with a big sun hat and buy flowers.
And it was a real playful, um, exploratory time that, you know, then really advanced into finally being able to get into a relationship. I started dating, um, I lost weight. I changed my relationship with food. I was able to really start a relationship with myself in many ways. That led me to knowing my passions desire, coming back to the desire to, um, go back to school and become a therapist, , and that. Then I went past therapy and became a coach, because that's what I preferred.
But, um, yeah, it led me to different passions. It ultimately led me to make a move. I was living in Madison, Wisconsin, um, and I just listened to spirit and I moved home. I was, I grew up in California, um, even though I had a huge community there, but I just felt this calling to come home. And I went to grad school and quickly after that, I met my husband and, um, we fell in love and , thus our relationship unfolded.
And I mean, this sounds like a fairy tale and it's not, um, but in many ways. Um, and then we went on to have two children, and, um, and we bought a home. And, and I, I vulnerably will share what I vulnerably shared when I just recently did a Q2 in the fall. And the first day they say, you know, stand up and share why you're here. And I said, you know, vulnerably, I, I'm here because the truth is the vision that I set out for my life, um, when I was at the process 13 years ago has come true.
And now I need to work it. I need a new vision, and I also need to work a new layer of patterns that get in the way of my being in my vision, um, and really living it fully. Um, so that's a whole nother layer that is now what's new and ripe and my new growth edge, I guess you would say. . - That's great. You know, um, oftentimes people forget that, that just because they vision something doesn't mean it can change or morph or in fact, that it can come true.
And then you gotta get yourself a new vision because that one's already come true time for, for more and to keep, keep asking and moving towards that. And, and, you know, it's three days. We don't talk much about the Q2, but can, in your experience, can that kind of work come to fruition in, in such a short amount of time? - I think it does. I mean, I, I've done three Q twos, um, and each one of them was different based off of what was coming up in my life.
But absolutely, I think whether it's creating a vision or working through things that kind of keep you from creating your vision , um, that a lot, each one of the Q twos kind of moved what needed to be moved to unfold the next steps that I needed to follow and continue my work. Um, so yeah, I, I would say absolutely the Q twos were massively impactful in a different way than the process, but in a needed way.
It was a, it was a tuneup, it was a redirect, it was a release in different ways for different things at different times. - So do you in your life, um, recommend the process a lot? You know, your partner or your friends or your, your clients? Is that something that is a part of your work? And if, if I'm friends with Rebecca, am I gonna hear about the process a bunch? , - You likely will hear about the process at some point.
I mean, I think everyone I know knows that, um, you know, I, I believe in the process. I recommend the process. Um, I would say as as I've matured and grown and deepened over the years, I, um, my, my waving the flag has, has, has moved into more of a trusting, and that I, I trust that when it's right for a person, they will do it. And that it will find them.
And whether that's because, you know, I mentioned it or they come back to me and say, Hey, I remember five years ago you were talking about this. Can you tell me more? Um, or a client is right for it. And, you know, they go the next week. It, it has taken many different paths, I guess you would say. And I've learned that that is the way of the process, and that's the best way. And that it's not my job to be pushing anyone into it because that, that's not anyone's job.
They need to be led on their own and, and ready for, for whatever is meant for them there. - Yeah. You know? Can I ask you about that? 'cause I think I too was, uh, I'm a reformed pusher maybe - Is the, - Is the term. But, but why, why is it that it's better to wait? Like what's the, what's the, the thinking behind that? Because if you don't mention it, then people never know about it, and yet if you push it too much, they get overwhelmed or turned off.
So how do you know, and what does that look like for you? - Honestly, it looks like asking spirit . Like, it looks like asking your spirit. Asking my spirit. Um, yeah. You know, oh, I, I, I wonder if Hoffman would be an interesting thing. And if I get a energy of like, yeah, throw it out there, then I do. And if I, I get any kind of like, mm, then I don't. Right. Um, and it's also how you slide. I always, it's always how you slide it against across the table.
Like, if you just like shove it across the table and, you know, up into their nose, that's threatening, that's overwhelming. Um, so it, it's, you know, it's a way to just say, here's an option on the table. Um, and if you wanna know more, I'm happy to share. - That's beautiful. You know, many, um, there are some therapists and coaches who we get lots of referrals from because they use it as a part of the work that they do. Some therapists don't recommend it at all. They see us as a competitor.
But I've always felt that it, we make a great companion with, um, a therapist or a coach at home because the work just gets magnified. And then you have someone to support you on the path. Is that how you feel? - Yes. I mean, I always say like, if you wanna do 10 years of therapy in one week, go to the process. You know, you can take that much time to do it, you know, on your own.
It's fine. It's not that the process is the only way, but it is a beautiful, um, opportunity for deep healing in a short amount of time. And, you know, I mean, there's so many people, grads that can tell you unbelievable stories about that. Um, so I see it as only a complimentary to my work. And, um, and again, a trusting of like, when a client is ready, they, they will do it. Or when a friend is, or a family member.
Um, and you know, that that's not my, my business is to just share and to also be an embodied, um, be in my spirit, because that's the most impact I can have about the, the magic of the process, really. - It's almost like you're an embodied example of that. Yeah. And then they, there's a resonance there. But I wanna go back and ask you about, um, you talked about a pattern of around eating and food. And in my family, , that was one of the things I worked on in the process.
My dad, uh, he was like, uh, um, uh, if one is good, two is better. And he'd be like, that a boy, you want another one? Come on, you can do it. That's good. And, um, so that was something I, uh, no pun intended, digested that pattern to kind of move through it. What, what was it like for you to work with that pattern? I mean, there's so much work around diets and our, our country is, uh, unhealthier than ever before. But how do you, how did you navigate that in your process?
- So, for me, I think, well, and I'd like to just say that I still navigate it in many ways. It's not like I've completely healed my relationship with food. I think it's an ongoing thing. I relate to that. Yeah. Um, so, you know, I, I don't like to sound like, oh, yeah, check that box. I think that's a difficult box and an ongoing relationship to work on, like any other relationship in your life.
But for me, what I realized that has been so helpful was that I used food to, um, soothe, to soothe myself, and to really kind of like collude with my emotions to bring them down and to not feel, um, and, you know, I had a lot of emotional chaos in, in my internal nervous system and in my life as a child. And food became, you know, know a quote unquote healthy way of coping.
Um, that, you know, to this day I'm in some ways grateful for that pattern because it could have led me in a lot of different paths, other ways, you know, when there's pain, you know, as children, we know nothing else but to, to try to find soothing in whatever ways we, we can. And when we don't have the examples that maybe we need, um, then we turn to things. And that's where our addictions are born. That's where all of those things, um, you know, start to, to happen.
And, um, so I think the realization of that and the opportunity to get in reconnection with my body, to forgive myself, um, to give back what wasn't mine to hold anymore, and, and the safety to feel, um, was the, the starting point. - Wow. It's, it's almost like in your childhood, food helped you not feel, which was, which was helpful in that it helped you survive, but now you're an adult and it's like, I can feel what I can handle these feelings. Right?
- Right. And what's interesting is that it's also a sign that, you know, I've been through challenging things since the process, things that have stirred up emotions that were too much, right? Like, I couldn't process it all at once. And food has become online at that time, and I've seen old patterns and, you know, been like, huh, what's going on? So it becomes actually, um, like a loving red flag.
There's something else going on here, let's see if we can bring in the support systems in other ways. Um, and, and really to meet myself with it, you know? Um, so it's, it's, it's not, yeah, I guess it's, it's become a, a tool of great, of awareness. That's great. - I, I'm, I'm smiling because the red flag and loving in the same sentence, loving red flag. I love - It. Loving little red flag. You know, the whole things are like, Ooh. Interesting. Yeah. I might wanna check that one out. .
- Yeah. Like, you know, curiosity is such a challenging emotion and idea for people to fully embrace, and hopefully one of the things we help students get from the process is a sense of, to be curious, where did you learn it from? How, how did it support you in surviving? How is it not helpful now? You know, just the idea of asking questions rather than just going to snap judgments.
- Yeah. And I think that's how you build intimacy with yourself, a deep relationship with yourself as a human being. You know, I mean, feelings are part of the human experience being messy, and, you know, the dark side, it's all part of this human experience. And so, you know, the practices of compassion and forgiveness that are so part of the process all come into play here, I think.
- And, uh, I'm, I'm curious about like, working with women and the difference, you know, in, in what you notice about the difference for men and women and why your work focuses with women and what they, what is it that women need in particular as, as best you can tell? - Hmm. That's a, that's a big question, drew, that I, I can't claim to know the full answer of that, because the feminine energy, which is in all of us, whether you're female or male or however you identify, right?
Um, but I think for me, learning, um, the feminine, how the feminine really like the authentic and the how, how the feminine is part of my essence, and that's how I, um, identify and how I understand myself that there's, there's some real, um, mystery and beauty in how actually I've had to learn to live fully into that, um, and make space for it in what I would consider a very masculine culture.
, you know, in, in a, in a culture that isn't, um, always supportive of the intangible, isn't supportive of the mystery, isn't supportive of rest, is very a calculated, you know, um, uh, equation. And so I, you know, part of what I think that I hold for women is space to listen into the wisdom of their femininity, listen into the wisdom of their spirit, really, and to trust it. I think that's the key too, is to trust it.
Because in our culture, I think any listening, whether it's feminine or ma to spirit, that small quiet whisper inside of you, that knowing that doesn't always make sense, you know, that actually can feel very scary to follow. That needs a lot of courage sometimes to take action around. Um, and, and to trust is, is big work, you know? And it's challenging as you navigate, you know, going through life and all the things and all the relationships and, um, pandemics that we live through, right?
Like all the things that we do that happen. - Yes. Rebecca, what is it, like, what, what have you noticed in your coaching practice and working with people during this time, this pandemic? - Hmm. What have I noticed? Well, a lot of my clients are moms, um, whose lives have been pretty significantly turned upside down, . Um, you know, a lot of them are now home, and those that we're working are distance learning with their children, um, in a lot of close quarters.
Um, and yeah, I've noticed that, um, for everyone, it's been a balance between getting back to basics, you know, letting what's most important, uh, rise and, and everything, all the other stuff fall away. Um, and then also really creating and carving out space to, to feel the feelings because there's a lot happening, um, above the surface and right in their, you know, crazy toddler or teenage tantrums.
Um, and a lot under the surface, if you feel into the, the greater experience of, of the grief and the loss and the unknown, and the fear and the anxiety, um, that's happening right now. And so I think it's a, that is, mm-Hmm.
- That is, uh, what were you gonna say? I think it's, - Yeah, I just think it's, it's a real, um, turbulent time of everyone I've talked to has expressed whether they're the most spiritually grounded people I know, or, you know, the ones that are just coming in has expressed it feeling like a rollercoaster, right? Some days it's like, so clear, what's most important, oh my goodness, how could I have been, you know, coding over it so much with the busyness of my life.
And the, the slowing down has revealed that to me. And then also sitting with all the feelings that bubble up when we slow down. - Yeah. You know, I, I relate to that. There are times where it's a great day and the, the family seems to be functioning well, . And then the next day it's like, well, what happened? It's like the wheels came off, and then the thing I, I noticed what comes next is what's wrong. Like, why yesterday was great, why is today bad?
What's wrong? And so it takes everything in my power to be conscious enough and intentional enough to say, wait a minute, this is normal. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but it, it does require a little emotional fastening of a seatbelt to kind of ride the ups and downs. Is that part of what you're talking about? - Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And just a lot of grace, right?
A lot of, a lot of grace and forgiveness and understanding and compassion for ourselves and for our loved ones. You know, there's been a lot of restlessness in my, my house, um, that comes about around four o'clock, you know, when we haven't gotten out enough. And, um, but I also think, you know, when when we slow down, when there's more space, the feelings that may be also percolating down below that haven't had enough space or time to be felt come up.
I know that in children, at least in my children, that has been true, you know, the safety of having mom and dad here and, you know, they can, they can feel now. And, and I learned so much about how to tend to my emotional self by how I attempt and strive to attend my children's emotional selves, which is to be - Like, I kind of mirrors Mm-Hmm. both, like, they, they have a similar track, don't they? - Yeah, yeah. And just meeting them with, I got you.
Whatever feeling you have, I I i, it, it's totally fine and it's not gonna last forever. And I'm here to witness you and love you and watch it move, and I'm not gonna analyze it or judge you or come up with every reason why, you know, your anger or your rage or your sadness is gonna be pathologized. You know, I'm just gonna own we're living through a restless time and some things are coming up and I'm just gonna hold space for you.
And you know, what's really cool about kids is that they move it and then they get back to their natural, joyful present state, - Isn't it? Isn't it? They're models for us, aren't they? Don't you wish we move through emotion like they - Do?
Yeah. Yeah, I do , but we can, you know, but it, it does, it, it's a little more tricky, but we can, you know, if we don't, if our intellect doesn't get in there and, you know, stop us with judgments or, you know, all the ways that it kind of blocks us from just feeling it and letting it go, and then we can, the body reset. We're resilient when we can do that. - Beautiful. So where, you know, um, I imagine you're carving out a little space in your house away from your, your two kids.
Where, where do you go to, to do your work? And - , wherever I can squeeze in this house. Um, we're lucky that we have a little room downstairs that I've turned into my office, so that's a lot of where I go. But you know, to be honest, when things are a little hectic and tight in the house, I mean, I, I do my work outta my car. It's really not glamorous, but it works.
And it's a creative solution where I, I drive down the street to a beautiful park and I park in the parking lot and I have a gorgeous view trees. And, um, you know, it's simple and it's not glamorous, but it works. And so I, I kind of squeeze it in wherever I can. Um, but that's where I'm, I'm kind of having to reconfigure things, um, now that we're home. - Yes. God, the mobile office, - Yeah. , it's very mobile.
It's very, very mobile, and you know, I mean, it's amazing how many beautiful parking lots there are if you get creative - With, with great views. - Yeah, with great views. Exactly. And - You, you, part of the work you used to do is around, um, organizing space and the aesthetic. How did you come from, uh, a home where things were hyper messy or was it a, a hyper neat, uh, home for you? - Um, I'd say it was a little bit of both.
Um, my mom had a beautiful skill at creating beautiful, a beautiful home. Um, and, but sometimes our beautiful home was like the icy on the shit cake, if you will. Oh, I probably not supposed to say that word, but, you know, it looked really good on the outside. It was really, really gorgeous. And what was going on underneath was really messy. And so when I got out from underneath my parents' actual home, I, I was pretty messy on the outside and the inside, and so things were a bit messy for me.
And then I started to piece together that my environment when I was in college, I remember, um, I would like be really depressed and really in a dump, and I would like look around my room and it was just a disaster. And then I would pick up my room and, you know, tidy it all up and I would feel better. And, and then I, I kind of followed this thing and this knowing and this urge, and then it, it really came to fruition for me when I worked, um, in grad school at hospice.
I was a grief counselor, and I would go into people's homes, um, and I went into this family's home and there was a, the dying matriarch was in the, in the back room. And there were about 12 family members who were all in massive conflict with one another. And really, I was there as this young therapist trying to conduct a family therapy session, um, way in over my head. And I looked around the house and it was a disaster, and I, nobody really wanted to be there.
And so I just asked, um, how about we don't do therapy and we don't talk, but we just agreed to tidy up the home in silence, and everybody agreed, and we tidied up the home, and then we came back. And by the time when the home was tidy, when we came back, people, um, were willing to share. They could, their nervous systems had calmed enough to then we were able to have a beautiful healing conversation. And I remember in that moment, I was like, there's something really powerful here.
Um, and, and that unfolded a big part of my work, which then unfolded the next part, which is what I'm living now. But that was the wow - That is beginning of it. Wow. That's a great anecdote around a family that can't share, won't share and feels kind of paralyzed, and then through the, it's almost like the second step of the cycle of transformation, which is expression through the movement of their bodies and the releasing of the energy. Then they sit down and out, out it comes. Yep.
- Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's - Fantastic. - Yeah. And the beauty about space is that, I mean, in Hoffman terms, you can see your patterns in your space. They're right there, , you know, all around you, um, and visible - For you. - Yes, I believe, you know, your space is, is a mirror, just like many other things are a mirror.
Um, if you, if you look for the under, under meaning of, you know, where you clutter, where you're too perfect, um, where you're messy, where, you know, maybe it looks great on the outside, but all the drawers are really messy, and you know that, and you hold the shame around that, right? Um, and so there's a lot of patterns that can work, and you can see them in your home, but they, when you trace them, they're, they actually manifest in a lot of different areas.
- That's great. You know, and I just know that I had a reaction. So I keep my drawers neat because in my childhood, my mom would lose her keys twice a day and she could never find them. And, uh, and now, um, that is not something that happens just 'cause as a kid, I was always like, really? Does it have to be like this ? Just put them away in the same drawer. Mom? Mm-Hmm. . - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. . - Rebecca, it's been, it's been great talking with you. I'm, I'm - Grateful.
You too. Yes. Thank you so much. - You're welcome. Thanks for joining us. - Thank you for listening to our podcast. My name is Liza in Grassi. I'm the CEO and President of Hoffman Institute Foundation. - And I'm Ra Rossi Hoffman, teacher and founder of the Hoffman Institute Foundation. - Our mission is to provide people greater access to the wisdom and power of love - In themselves, in each other, and in the world. To find out more, please go to Hoffman institute.org.