S12e2: Veta McFall – A Visual Representation of My Inner Transformation

When I stopped performing for the world and I learned to trust my own light, my own power, my own knowing, my life changed, my art changed, and I feel very connected. Feel very connected to all of it now. Yeah. And it's not outside of me. It's inside. Hello and welcome to Love's Everyday Radius, a podcast

brought to you by the Hoffman Institute. My name is Sadie Hanna, and in this podcast, you'll hear real conversations and stories with graduates about their courageous journey inward and how their love and light are living in the world around them. Love's everyday radius. Thank you for being here and welcome. Hey, everyone, and welcome. I'm Sadie. I'm here with Veda McFall. McFall. Veda is a Hoffman grad. She's also an incredible artist of, for sure, paint.

But I think more than that is I've gotten to know you just in our preparation for this conversation. You have art and creativity, like pulsing through your veins. And so we're gonna get into some of that today. Why don't we start by you just introducing yourself? Tell us a bit about who you are and what's important to you. Thank you so much, Sadie. I think you're right, and I'm really honored that you noticed that. My world is my art and my creativity, and my day is my canvas.

I am just so honored to be having this conversation with you. You know, this past year and a half and year of my life has been so big for me in my lifetime, and Hoffman Process is such a significant part of that. To feel like people see that, people feel that, they feel that change in me, and the fact that you wanna have this conversation with me is, like, just the greatest honor, really. Thank you. Oh, it's a pleasure, and I'm excited to learn more about you.

I mean, your art is a story of transformation that speaks for itself with no words. When did you actually take the process and what brought you there initially? Oh, those are two big questions. Well, I have been a professional artist my entire life. It's the work that I've done and been paid for since I was a teenager. About a year and a half ago, I felt a really deep calling to change my direction of my art.

I had specialized in black and white portraits for the last twelve years with commission portraits and clients, and they were very dramatic, very large scale, like four or five feet and very meticulous, black and white, dramatic, you know, every eyelash. I just felt the spontaneous need to do something very different. And one night I did that. I started, like, painting with full spectrum of color with my hands, sometimes with my eyes closed. It was such a different experience

than the professional work I had done. That started about a year and a half ago, and I just kinda kept going with it and I wasn't sure why it was happening and I quickly decided I was going to be making a collection of 100 pieces which is sort of unheard of. And again, these were all very large scale paintings and my life started having really big shifts as I continued with these paintings.

On an artistic level, you know, we have a story here and my personal life truly emerged and developed alongside the artwork over this last year and a half. So about midway through this 100 piece collection was April 2025, and that's when I had my Hoffman process. It was in Calgary, in Alberta, in the woods of Canada, I say. And it was interesting. It just happened accidentally that I had completed painting 50, and I was titling each painting just by the

number. So I have painting one, two, three, right, 49, 50 and that was very intentional that I didn't want to give any predetermined meaning to any piece. I really wanted the meaning to be from the viewer, and that was their power. Right? It wasn't mine. So painting titled 50 was completed, and I went off to Hoffman. Before this shift, full color, some degree of abandon of these, your words here, dramatic, controlled, and exceptionally detailed artwork.

Tell me more about what was being expressed through you in that artwork. Well, my clients were primarily children and animals, so my subject matter was always very loved by someone. It was always very gratifying to have this grand unveiling in front of the client and they were deeply moved and I made them so happy. And I started to realize that the experience very much was about them and making someone else happy. And, also, so much of my identity was wrapped up in showing off my skill

and look how skilled I am. Look what a good artist I am. Look how trained I am. I wanted to sort of challenge my ego to not need to always show that off because my even greater talent really is the creativity. What if I shifted my art to show off my creativity more than showing off my artistic skill per se. We will include a link to your work in our show notes. I'm looking at some of these images, and they are incredible.

And I can see how someone would have a very clear expectation of what they want if they've commissioned you to paint the likeness of their most beloved being. Yeah. It's a great honor. As I would begin with a blank canvas, I certainly knew what the outcome needed to look like, right? There wasn't mystery there. I knew what the painting needed to look like and I always exceeded expectations and it I

mean, people really were deeply moved. I mean, I would really interview the client about the personality, even if it was a dog, you know, tell me about their personality. What are they like? People often felt like I really captured the character in the eyes with the glisten and the eyelashes, you know, with the abstract work that I started doing, it was like, I didn't know what it would turn out like. It would start to emerge.

Sometimes I would even close my eyes to sort of put that first initial paint on the blank canvas and it started sort of becoming like it was born in front of me. It felt very much birth like and I have four children that were all born at home. So, you know, you don't know who they're going to be. And so that was a very contrasting

experience of my artwork. When I did the portraits, I mean, literally black and white dramatic, stark, meticulous detail and I knew what it needed to look like in the end. When I started doing the abstract work, which I sort of call, I don't know, intuitive painting, expressive painting, I didn't know what it would turn out like. I didn't know what colors were going to happen. I allowed my body to make it and I allowed it to be born

in front of me. And then I intentionally did not put meaning on what this abstract piece was. I could see how there could be a bit of courage required to do that. If you're being commissioned, you already have someone who wants to buy the painting. And this is like, I'm gonna birth this painting and who knows how it's received. And I don't care. Yeah. When I first started painting these, it wasn't even for a client. I never had

the intention of even necessarily selling them. I needed a gift for my husband whose birthday was in a couple days. And so I always turned to artwork. I made this painting, and I used my hands. I didn't use any tools or brushes. And I made three that night. I stayed up until one in the morning painting like a crazy person. I couldn't stop and I did three more the next day and it felt so good in my body that without any client without needing to show them off, it was starting to feel so

good. I noticed that I was really procrastinating when it came to my previous professional work like I would have the orders, but I'd really take my time getting to them. And I kind of started to question like as an artist, you're supposed to really love this whole process and experience. And I was really loving the unveiling, but I procrastinated the actual process. So I kinda just inquired within myself about that. And when I started painting with my hands,

I was like, this feels amazing. And my my manicure would get all messed up and I was getting paint all over. And I was just I was acting about as opposite as I could from what I had been doing. Yeah. And it, you know, it felt brave, sure, but it's just because it felt so good. Part of me that wonders what shifted in you between that controlled, detailed, very specific type of expression to waking up and saying, I'm doing this differently.

You mentioned some personal upheaval in your life, and we know you ultimately landed at the Hoffman process, this place where you're like, something's gotta change and I'm here to do the work. So what was brewing in you personally that was underneath this shift in your artwork and ultimately you showing up to take the process?

When I first started these paintings, I didn't know what it would mean, and I didn't know that it would be literally a visual representation of my personal inner transformation. That's what makes it so interesting is that it is like it's an illustration of me changing as a human being. So this was the year leading up to me turning 40, and this was the time for me. I think it was time for me in this lifetime to learn lessons and make shifts that I had maybe tried to in the past, but I didn't.

And I wanted to do it in this lifetime. I wanted to do the work. I wanted to challenge my ego to not need to show off skill and get that outside affirmation. With this art, I was able to start to challenge my ego in that way. Your art as an illustration of change and maybe a permission to do something differently. We know you ultimately ended up at the process. Leading up to it, what was happening for you personally in your life? You mentioned some upheaval and

some change. Tell us more about that. Well, in my most significant and primary relationship with my husband, we'd spent twelve years together at that point, and we really were in a cycle of behavior and upheaval within the relationship, and I needed to make a dramatic move to cut us out of that cycle. Unfortunately, the way that I thought I needed to change that cycle we are in was to end that part of our relationship.

And it certainly was the most difficult winter of our in our whole family's life. I will always be sorry for the pain that it caused all of the people in our life, but I don't regret it at all because it has absolutely brought us to the new relationship that we have now. It's brought me to my own inner spirituality. It's brought me to being just a powerful, content, loving person.

I think every single person in our life, in our family, in our friend circles, I think they're actually all grateful for who I've become because of this. And, you know, if I had been able to do it any other way, I would have. But I guess I needed to hit that rock bottom where I really realized how alone I was in order to make a decision that this is the type of relationship I wanted with my partner. We really only were separated for a very brief moment, you know, maybe weeks.

But it was months leading up to that of this tumultuous back and forth about what we were going to do, but I couldn't refer inward. I wasn't sure why this was happening. And I know that we couldn't continue living the way we had been living, but I didn't know what was on the other side of it. And I guess at that moment, you know, life could have gone in any direction. But we decided to start over and build a completely new relationship. And shortly after that was when I was

scheduled for the Hoffman process. So already arriving to the Hoffman process, I knew that I wanted this life with him, with my children, with my family. But the depth of our relationship now is just so different, and it wouldn't have gotten there. We would have continued on in this, I don't know, every four to six month turmoil that we were in for twelve, thirteen years. I mean, it's just gone. It's just not who we are anymore.

And so he actually did the Hoffman process seven months after I did. And to have that shared experience now, we have an actual spiritual connection within our relationship now. And so interesting, because when I came back from the process, I couldn't talk about any of it. I couldn't share anything. And when he came back, we were finally able to be like, hey, you remember when we did this? And how did you feel

about that? And really, truly binding, you know, and many, many months later, we'll still refer to something about some discovery that either of us had during the process. It's like the artwork started and the artwork had to, it had to be this catalyst for change for me. And I thought it was just in the artwork, but it led to change within me as a person. It led to change within my relationship. It's like, I understand all of it now. I understand the why.

And, ultimately, the art started teaching me the lessons. That happened post Hoffman. So when I came back from Hoffman, that's when the artwork actually started speaking to me and giving me the lessons. And I'd love to give you examples of those. Yeah. Give us some examples of the lessons you've learned. I hear you saying it's not only about the art. That was a representation of change that was happening in other ways. Tell us a bit about what you learned.

The powerful lesson came when I started painting after Hoffman. So during my process, it was a particularly quiet moment perhaps, and I just took the back of one of my papers and a regular pen, and I sort of just closed my eyes, and I started making some lines and drawing some shapes on the paper. And then I opened my eyes, and I took another piece of paper, and I just did several of those. And it was kind of interesting how there was kinda similarity between four pieces of paper

and similar shape. And I didn't think much of it, and I tucked it behind in my binder. So when I came home after the process, maybe took me another week to get back into my studio. And even though all of the paintings were coming from a place of intuition, prior to that, I really took an extra moment to sort of, I don't know, hold my hands on my heart and take a moment before I started painting or drawing. I closed my eyes, and

I just reached my arm out. I had a piece of charcoal in my hand, And I just started making a shape with my arm. And it wasn't just my hand, it was like a full arm projection, right. And, this was four by four feet piece that I was working with. And I just repeated the shape with my arm over and over, and I opened my eyes and I loved it. And I rotated the canvas and I continued this sort of these patterns. And I did that for the next several paintings.

And as I'm making number 55, I realize that there's this correlation between this repetitive line pattern I'm creating on the canvas and the repetitive patterns of behavior in life, in my life, in anyone's life. And just like I can choose to stop making that line on that canvas. I have choice to stop making that pattern in life. And I looked back at these paintings. And I'm like, Wow, This is the lesson.

This is me. Just like I have chosen to end patterns and live in my authentic self, I'm choosing to stop this line. Days later, I pull my binder out and I pull those pieces of paper out, and it's the same shape. I mean, I was blown away. Like, that came from my body without looking, and it repeated in my paintings for the next, I don't know, 12 paintings. And it's not about being perfect in any way from this point forward.

But I have daily awareness when these type of patterns pop up for me of, you know, this outside validation, outside affirmation. Like, very often, I might share with someone I'm an artist and I shut start showing them my artwork, which is, you know, the colorful abstracts, the finger painting. And I catch myself having the urge to be like, oh, well, this is what I do now, but but look at what I used to do. Look at my skill. Look what a good artist I am. And I would

catch myself. Right? And I'm like, why am I doing that? Why do I need to do that? And so beyond that initial lesson, I would say that that lesson of repetitive line and pattern was the first time that I noticed, wow, there's actual lessons in here. And from that point forward, there were many, many more. As an example, I sort of have a rule that I don't throw away a canvas. I just let it dry, and I keep painting over it.

And sometimes I talk to myself, and I record videos of all of the paintings I make. And so I would maybe talk to myself, and you don't stop. It's just the journey, and all of the layers underneath are all important to the overall finished work. Don't stop. Don't throw it away. Don't give up. That's not a mistake. Just layer. Just keep painting over it. The paintings that I had the most struggle with or the most layers ultimately ended up some of my favorites.

Or a really great funny lesson was I was filming some professional commercials for, for promotion of my upcoming exhibit. And I had the film crew coming to my art studio the next day, and I had spent the whole day rather than painting, I spent the whole day cleaning the art studio and picking it up and staging it. And around midnight, I stop and I look in the mirror and I'm like, what am I doing right now? What am I staging? For who?

The whole point is people wanna see my authentic art studio where I have multiple used mugs and trash and candy wrappers. And, you know, things are kind of in disarray because that's how I work. There's a pile of latex gloves with paint on them. That's who I am. So, you know, that was a profound and wonderful lesson that all of my life, it's like, what am I staging for? For who? Like, that's actual meaning of authenticity is living who I am

and not staging anything for anyone else. And the world actually wants the authentic. From Hoffman onward, I actually listened to the lessons that I got from each painting. And a lot of it was that without the mistake, you know, I'm putting in quotation marks mistakes, I wouldn't have this ultimate beauty of the piece. I used to have guilt or shame around the fact that I have learned so much and maybe I didn't have it before,

but I think that that's the point. The point is to choose to learn and grow in your lifetime. If I had continued on the path that I was on, that would be the failure. That would be the pain is that I chose not to grow, but I did. And so that's add it's it's really admirable. There's no shame, And I don't have shame over the paintings and the many layers they have there. They're not wrong colors. And that's really allowed me to sort of accept my own flaws or growth.

It all had to be there for me to be this person moving forward, and I'm very proud of that. I am very proud of myself. I'm proud of going through this past year in my life. It breaks the myth of perfection to recognize that you've had an evolution and that the painting wouldn't be what it was without those past layers or those past attempts, the choice to grow. I think grads leave the process wondering if the change they've experienced will last.

Can you speak to how that's been for you post process? I have done other life type courses before, and what I would learn in them, I understood intellectually, but that only lives in the brain. And, you know, it only lasts for so long, truly. But what I gained at the process is like embodied. It wasn't intellectualized. It was integrated into me fully. My body, my emotions, my intellect, my spiritual self. And so it's not something I can forget.

It's something that's embodied, and it's the way I live. My husband would say it regularly, you know, as I moved further and further away from completing the process, he would just say to people, like, it's amazing. It's just been incredible to observe how positive this has been for her. I want whatever she did because she's living in this way now, and it's powerful, and it's been powerful for our whole family. I love how your body has been your guide.

We speak about on that first day, you don't have to have a lot of explicit memories from childhood, but your body remembers. It has stored some of what you've learned, and it's the path toward healing. Well, it was amazing to me how many people told me I look different. Several children, you know, because children are naturally more intuitive, and I think they feel the change on a different level. But to have people tell me that I look different and I'm like, I know. Right?

It's really funny. One of my girlfriends complimented me and was like, what did you do to your skin? You have that extra glow. And I'm like, it's Hoffman. She's like, yeah, I was hoping it'd be something easier. They're like, it's light, baby. Light. It's my light. So we laugh about that. It's called Soulshine. As you've distilled all of what's happened for you, in some way, it's been expressed in your art, but you've also spoken about it beautifully.

What else would you like to share that you haven't already? I think what I used to search for outwardly was actually within me. And when I stopped performing for the world and I learned to trust my own light, my own power, my own knowing, my life changed, my art changed, and I feel very connected. Feel very connected to all of it now. Yeah. And it's not outside of me. It's inside. What a gift for you to hold in your heart. What a gift for your children, for your husband.

What's next? What's next for you? I have big artistic plans, and most importantly, I'm going to do work that I love, and that feels good in my body. Thank you so much for being here. You are sharing something that is meaningful way beyond just you. It's such a like you said, an illustration for others to see and be inspired by, and I'm grateful for you. Thank you. The filmographer that I worked with to film these commercials,

he was inspired. He wants to do like a documentary about this, and I'm like, let's do it. Let's do it. You know, if I were gonna sum up what you've just shared, it's you surrendering to the unknown and letting it create for you art and the courage that it's taken to say yes. I am so honored, and I'm so grateful. I'm so inspired to have had this conversation with you. Thank you. And this beautiful beam of light that's behind my head is just they're not coincidences. They're

sprinkles of reminders. They're like a little joke. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Hoffman podcast. My name is Matt Brannigan. I'm the CEO of the Hoffman Institute Foundation and a Hoffman teacher. Our mission is to provide greater access to the wisdom and power of love within ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world. To learn more or to support our mission, we invite you to visit hoffmaninstitute.org.