Embracing Detachment with Self-Compassion (S15E3)

I'm Henny , I write , coach and speak about how exploring our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world , all founded on a bedrock of self-love . Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you .

Episode takes you , and we may well touch on the concept of clinging to , but I'd like to focus more on that intentional act of releasing , of letting things be , and I'm very mindfully using that phrase rather than letting things go .

I think sometimes , when we feel into this need that we have to detach , to create some space around us , around us we can get lost in the idea of what letting things go might mean . It can take us into a fear-based place , maybe a fear that we're going to enough if we let something go or let someone go , and so I prefer to use the phrase let things be .

And I also prefer it because , in many ways , when we're thinking of releasing a behavior or a belief that no longer serves us , or an old thought pattern or something systemic from our family line , a way that our family tends to do things , think about things , feel about things , do things , think about things , feel about things .

Then , those old patterns , those old ways of thinking , old ways of feeling , in my opinion , you know , pole of one . My sense is that they never really disappear , which doesn't mean that we can't learn to move forward from them or manage them or settle them in some way .

But the very concept of the word trigger is something arising out of the blue , unexpectedly , in response to something else that happens , in response to something else that happens .

And if we think more about this phrase of letting things be rather than letting things go , it almost softens us into the potential that a trigger might occur , something might suddenly arise , we might suddenly find ourselves re-entering an old pattern , an old way of thinking , an old way of feeling , an old way of doing , and and kind of giving ourselves the space

for that and accepting that's part of our humanness and accepting that we can move forward from that too .

And of course you know , if you've been part of this beautiful community of podcast listeners here for a while , then you'll know that for me , compassion is really the most fundamental stance that we need to take in all things and , I think , particularly when things are feeling tender or complicated in some way .

So this idea of detachment , it's been showing up in a number of client conversations recently and so I'm noticing that and I am responding to it because maybe it's showing up , because , you know , in some universal energetic pattern or a little wavelength of energy that's going through us .

Maybe it's something that's useful for many more of us to consider this idea of detachment . And I think so often the reason why we don't , the reason why we cling to people , places , practices , ideas , is that we are seeking some sense of control . But , as Tara Brack often talks about , you know , this is an illusion , the illusion of control .

We all know deep in our hearts , deep in our most rational way of thinking , that control is something that is tenuous at best and a far more useful way of being in the world is flow , um , allowing , um , oh , what's his name ? Michael , uh , someone remind me , someone in my head remind me . Uh , the author of the surrender experiment . Um and um .

You know , when we think about this idea of surrender and letting things be , letting things flow , we understand that it is so much healthier for our whole system to be in that place rather than in that illusion of control . So part of this work generally I mean work with a big , massive capital W is to notice what's coming up for us .

So , as I say , I'm noticing this idea of detachment and I've been reflecting on it myself as well , like how , why is this coming up for me , not just for the people that I work with ? Because when I see a pattern to something coming up in client conversations , often , always there is something in there that is really resonant for me personally .

And you know and I've talked before about how I learned something from every single person that I work with I mean , without fail , I learned something really important , and so it's a , it's a beautiful reciprocal process that we go through . Um , so this morning I drew an angel card .

I've been returning to my meditation practice , to my much more consistent meditation practice and , with that , a much more consistent journaling practice as well .

Um , journaling is something that I I do a lot , but it had become a bit more ad hoc , and so I'm really glad that I've sort of recreated , reestablished a pattern of getting up before Anton , coming to the stable , sitting in front of my shrine , meditating and then journaling , and I have returned right back to a practice that first helped me a few years ago ,

when I first started really establishing these practices , and it was to draw an angel card . The ones that I have are the ones by Diane Cooper , and they're a set that I had at university and then rediscovered sitting on a shelf , so they'd been there all the time and , yeah , and they're just a beautiful thing .

So the card that I drew this morning was , of course , detachment , and I'd love to read it to you , and what it says is according to spiritual law , you can have anything your heart desires . However , your happiness , sense of security or feeling of power depends on someone or something in your life .

Then you are attached to that person or thing , and it is a chain which binds you to a lower frequency and keeps you stuck . Your guidance is to ask the angels to help you cut the cords that tie you to people , things and emotions . When all attachments are released , you can no longer be manipulated emotionally .

This enables you to reclaim your power and be genuine , free . Your spirit and that of others let go now , and there's an affirmation that comes with this I release everyone and everything . My spirit is free . Now you might want to listen back to that and if you're anything like me , there may be some aspects of it which jarred a little bit .

Something about this idea of you know , when we're attached , we're bound to a low , lower frequency and it keeps us stuck . I think the other part that also sort of pulls me up short is this idea of cutting the cords that tie me to people , things and emotions .

But when we soften into those words , when we really listen to the deeper meaning within them , then we can see that this isn't about isolating ourselves or rejecting anyone or anything else .

It's actually about establishing our boundaries , our energetic boundaries around us and no longer being so dependent upon an other , whatever that other might be , for our well-being , our happiness , our joy .

And it's about really standing very securely in our own space and from there being able to fully love both ourself and everyone and everything around us , and I think the line about free your spirit and that of others is very resonant here .

There was something else that came up today , which was again another pointer that maybe this was a good topic to discuss or to explore , to meander through . Maybe was a quote from Brené Brown , where she writes that the opposite of belonging is fitting in . I really love this . I love how succinct it is .

It reminds me a little of the everyday compassion emails that I send out , these tiny drops of of reflection that can help us shape our day in a more compassionate way and and this line from Brene is it kind of feels very um resonant with those um , the opposite of belonging is fitting in and and I think this relates to this idea of detachment , because if

we're so focused on our need to fit in and it can be such a human desire to do that because we want to survive , we want to be accepted by the group we're taught it from a very , very young age . In our culture , our community , our religion , our family system . We're taught this is how you fit in and and it can feel like the opposite of belonging .

I meet so many people who have a sense that they don't really know where their place in the world is , even though they come from a loving family and they've got a good friendship group and all of those things , but there isn't that deeper sense of belonging .

And when we listen to any teacher like Ram Dass or or any of the , you know the great teachers who help us sink a little bit deeper into what our own truth is . Often our real sense of belonging is when we have come home to ourselves , and for me , I think that's part of what detachment enables us to do to create this sense of spaciousness around us .

To create this sense of spaciousness around us where our energy isn't attached to any other , one person or one place or one belief system , and we're more able to stand really fully in the space that we're all granted in this world . The moment we're born , we're given this beautiful space to inhabit world .

The moment we're born , we're given this beautiful space to inhabit and many of us . It can take a long time , maybe lifetimes , to understand the size , the scope , the breadth and depth of the space we actually have that we can live into . There were some other thoughts that I had , but I'm kind of really feeling like the need just to end here .

This is an art of detachment in itself , isn't it ? I've got a few little bullet points on my screen in front of me as I'm talking to you and actually I'm going to let those go .

I'm going to let those go and , or rather let them be and maybe they'll turn up in another episode , somewhere down the line , in fact I'm almost certain they will actually , but I think the other , the one last sort of thought that I had that I'd like to share is that sometimes it can be really useful to have a cue , maybe a word , maybe an image , maybe a

physical movement , something that helps us notice and remember when we are in that place of clinging and where detaching could perhaps better serve us and those that we're with . And I say again , this isn't about isolating or separating , it's about really being able to let someone else be fully themselves and to let ourselves be fully our self .

And for me , a word here that I find really useful I think I've already mentioned it on this episode is the word allow To allow . You know , when I breathe into that word , my body settles . I invite you to say it out loud , maybe now , if that's available to you , wherever you are , just to really sink into what it means to allow .

And when we allow , we lose our desire to control , to make things the way that we have decided , perceived , imagined that they must , ought or should be , and we let them be . And that sense of allowing is something that resonates both in the concept of stuff that happens around us but also within us . Allow without judgment .

Without judgment , without trying to force or change or control , but allowing .

And I say here as well that this isn't a passive state , this is active in action , this is giving ourselves a pause , a breath to see what is really needing our attention right now , rather than just responding to that triggered response that we might have learned somewhere in the history of our life . So my darling , oh gosh , really enjoyed that .

Um , hope you did too , and I am sending you a hug and a wave . Thank you , thank you .