What it Means to Be a Highly Sensitive Person

are meant for you. And the possibilities are endless. Welcome to the Happy Highly Sensitive Life podcast. I'm your host, Marya Choby. I'm an INFP and a highly sensitive person. And in this space, I'm just opening up coming here as me sharing my uncensored thoughts on living as a highly sensitive person. There have been times in my life that I've felt different from other people, like I didn't fit in, and I wasn't sure why. And I wondered why I felt like I was always on the outside

looking in. I share this in case you felt this way too, so you know you're not the only one. And also, I didn't know that my sensitivity was having an impact on how I was experiencing my life. And so in this episode, I want to talk about what high sensitivity is and how it shows

up in real life. Because I deeply believe that when you're aware of how sensitivity impacts you, you can give yourself permission to set up your life so it honors you so that you can experience greater happiness and ease and satisfaction in your life. So in this episode, I'll answer the question, what is

high sensitivity? I'll tell you the four qualities all HSP share, and talk about introverted and extroverted HSPs, plus a variation on high sensitivity that you may or may not have heard of before, it's called high sensation seeking HSP. Then I'll cover how to begin to set up your workday and your home life to honor these traits. This is just the very beginning conversation on this. We'll talk about this so much

more in this podcast. I'll also talk about how to give yourself permission to arrange your life to work for you. And we'll continue talking about this in future episodes because other people's expectations shape how easily we can create a life that works for us. So let's get started.

I learned about the trait of high sensitivity when I was studying at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, or IIN as I call it, to be a health coach and my instructor described high sensitivity and included the book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, in our course materials. I did the quiz. And suddenly everything made sense for me. And I am always getting emails from readers who are so relieved to now know this information about

themselves. A light bulb just goes off when you learn this information. So I'll link the quiz and the book in the show notes so you can check them out for yourself. But my hope is that this episode will give you some more a-ha moments. Let's start by talking about some of the basics about what high sensitivity is. It's a normal trait that shows up in 15

to 20% of the population. One out of five women and men, that's women and men are hsps, which means you have a 36% chance of dating or falling in love with an HSP. HSPs have a more sensitive nervous system, it's considered to be an evolutionary advantage. Because your cautiousness and attunement to your environment gives you an edge to be able to pick up on threats around you. This trait shows up in over 100 species. So imagine for a sec that you come across a pack of deer wading in

a pond. You're out hiking, and you see these deer and you may notice one or two deer that are holding back. They're proceeding with caution. They're not getting in that pond, they're taking their time trying to figure out if it's safe to go out and get a drink. Well this hesitancy and cautiousness ensures survival of the species. Now there are four qualities that all HSPs share according to Elaine Aron, HSP researcher, think of DOES that's D-O-E-S.

DOES is an acronym where D is for D processing, O is for overstimulation in new, intense or chaotic spaces. E is for empathy and emotional reactivity, and S is for sensing subtleties. So let's talk about quality number one D for D processing. As an HSP you're deeply tuned into what's going on around you. You notice the tone of conversations, you notice subtle body language and smells and sounds and lighting and the temperature of the space you're

in. You are like Sherlock Holmes and your brain is scanning the environment for familiar and unfamiliar stimuli. It's gathering Intel, putting the pieces together. Everywhere you go, your brain is perceptive, and that makes you dialed into the heartbeat of any space you're in. You know when something's fishy and doesn't add up, you may not know why you just know something weird is

going on. Now, I think it's really easy to focus on the downsides of being an HSP, which is why it's so important to me to highlight the strengths that come with it, because there are so many. Your perceptiveness gives you an advantage. It makes you someone who really sees people. You're deeply thoughtful, you're conscientious, and you get what drives people and you have insights about motivations and problems that the casual observer would miss. You are a person of depth and substance.

Now, you especially use your deep processing when you're in a new environment. You can probably just feel this when I say this. When you're starting a new job or school, you're traveling somewhere for the first time or meeting your new partners, parents or family. I remember one time when I was visiting a partner's family for the first time, I was picking up on family vibes. I just knew there was some kind of tension

simmering under the surface. And I remember insisting to my partner at the time that something just felt off. Something just felt weird. And I kept saying it over and over until he finally told me what was going on. So as HSPs we feel things, we read the energy of the spaces and the places and the people that are around. Studying and learning and problem solving, or planning all use your deep processing as

well. Imagine you're putting together a report for work or you're writing a paper, or you're learning to use some kind of new computer system or just developing a new skill. When you're attending lectures or conferences or taking a class, you're going deep to learn the new material. And being a deep processor also means that in group discussions, if you're like me, you may feel a few beats behind the rest of the group in terms of the

conversation. You're probably ready to make a comment after the conversation has gone on to other things. You really thrive when you have advance notice and time to prepare your thoughts before having to speak up in a public space, like in a class or in a meeting. And when you do speak up. You may notice a hush that comes over the room because people are intently listening to you. Your insights are deep and wise and they add a richness to the conversation that's so needed.

Socialising is another time you're deeply processing your environment. Say you're out at a party or you're in a meeting or you're having a hard conversation, you're reading facial expressions and body language. And you're so tuned into the moods and the emotions

of the people around you. You can hear the deeper meaning behind people's words, you may find that it's less draining to be hanging out with old friends or to be in meetings with coworkers you've known for some time, rather with then with those new acquaintances. I'm relaxed around old friends that I've kept in touch with that I love and that I've known forever. Deep processing has so many benefits, it's a gift. And it can also leave you feeling like

you need to rest. When I come out of an intense meeting, my concentration is usually waning. And I need to have a little time to recharge and I probably won't be very productive right after that meeting. That's also the time when I'm most likely to want to reach for sugar. This is a pattern I started to notice, working at home during the quarantine was that after an intense zoom meeting, I went straight up to the cupboard to reach for some chocolate. And I want that sugar because I'm

tired. My willpower is probably feeling a little low and sugar is a form of comfort and soothing for me. So as you listen to me talk about how deep processing can be draining. I want you to know that you can do anything when you're passionate about what you're doing. This is why it's so important for you to listen to your heart and what lights you up. Because being lit up helps helps to offset the way high sensitivity can leave you drained. Here's an example of

this from my life. And I think it was it was either 2006 or 2008. I can never remember the dates, but I fell in love with the idea of studying to be a health coach at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I discovered the school online. And I went to New York City for an orientation. And everything in me just recognized & just knew I was meant to study with them. But here's the thing. Classes were held about once a month on the weekend. I needed to travel there from Virginia.

And I'd have to stay the weekend. So there were a lot of potential obstacles there. But have you ever found that when something is right for you, the details just seem to fall into place? Well, that's what happened for me, I found a way to work out how to pay for it. And where I'd stay and how I'd travel there. I was going to stay at a very affordable youth hostel that had private rooms, and I'd take the train and an inexpensive bus. It felt like I was on the cusp of a fantastic

adventure. And it also had the potential to be a little challenging for me to be in a new situation with so many sights and sounds to process. Then on top of that our lectures were held in an auditorium. Okay, so this auditorium holds 1000 people. So now, not only was I deeply processing the content and what the lecturer was teaching us, when I was in these classes, I was absorbing and processing the energy of all

of my classmates around me. So there was the clicking pen and the smell of perfume, and just the environment, the lighting, the room temperature, all of those things. Well, I loved my trainings. And they changed my life. And I was lifted up by being around so many like- minded and curious people. But I found myself approaching my time at IIN differently than my classmates. When class ended at

five, I was tired. And all I wanted to do was to grab some food to take back to my room, where I just wanted to stay for the rest of the night. I longed to be alone while my classmates got together for dinner and shows. But this was what I needed to cope with the overstimulation that came from all that deep processing. Typically, I'm so relieved to have the quiet time that I don't feel left out. And that was true

in this situation. And also, I was just so nourished by my time in these classes that the deep processing and the challenges that came from traveling, and the overstimulation of learning and such a big group, they were just an energy trade off that was totally worth it. So please hear this. You can do anything your heart wants to do. You are designed to listen to and follow your heart. Okay, so I mentioned how my classes were overstimulating.

Overstimulation is quality number two of those four traits that I'm going over that all HSP share. O is for overstimulation in new, intense or chaotic spaces. So let's talk about this a little bit more for a second, we've already started to talk about it. But it makes sense that if your finely tuned radar is just recording your day and your interactions, your processor will fill up just like a DVR. You are just filled up to

the brim with stimulation. Up until now, you may have thought this was all in your head, but it's actually not. Scientists have proven that HSPs are more perceptive than non-HSPs and also that we're more taxed by it. You're tired for a reason. Your radar is working really hard. So when does overstimulation occur? Three situations are triggers: new situations, intense situations

and chaotic spaces. So anytime you're doing something new for the first time, say you're staying for the weekend with strangers, or going to a networking event for the first time or meeting the parents of your partner. Overstimulation occurs when you're in intense situations like my nutrition classes or long events that don't give you a lot of alone time. I've had day long job interviews where I spent eight hours meeting and interviewing with multiple people. That was

overstimulating. Also anxiety or fear-inducing activities like driving on an icy street or in heavy rain or giving a speech or asking someone out. Or emotionally intense situations like going to therapy or a funeral or testifying in court. And watching dramatic movies for me like war movies, feels very intense. I tend to try to avoid that as much as possible. But I've also been known to take a timeout in the bathroom if a movie becomes unexpectedly intense.

If you're in chaotic situations, chaotic situations are also ripe for overstimulation. So chaos means having a lot of demands on your attention. Say you're multitasking, like when you're with your kids and you're trying to work at the same time or someone is talking to you while you're trying to get something done for work. Hosting a dinner party feels really unexpectedly chaotic to me. I always hear everybody talk about how they love to have people over and to

entertain. But for me, my attention always feels so divided. I just feel pulled in so many different directions. It's overstimulating. Like if I'm tending to the food and answering questions people have about things like "where's the bathroom?" or just what's going on in my life. And making sure drinks are filled. Making sure everyone is just content and happy and socializing. Because I'm always super, super tuned

into how happy people are. The chaos definitely feels more worth it when I'm with people I love and know really well. Spaces with lots of people are chaotic to me. Now, I'm going to confess to you the only time I ever yelled at a stranger. I was trying to catch a cab at a hotel in New York City on New Year's Eve. We were trying to get out of the city to get back home, and we needed to catch a train

on time to get back home. So we kept getting passed over for cabs, and I couldn't figure out why the bellhop was not giving us a cab, and my boyfriend wasn't really helping at all. And I was frustrated with him that he wasn't doing more, and that he wasn't alarmed by this. And there were people everywhere. I couldn't figure out why we were getting passed over. And I was just afraid we were going to miss our train. I had so many levels of emotions

about what was going on. And then overstimulated by all the people. And I couldn't figure out what the system was and how we would get a cab. And so this is the only time I ever ended up yelling at a stranger trying to get a cab. I was overstimulated and overwhelmed. So let's talk about how how overstimulation makes you feel. Well, for me, I become very introverted. And inwardly focused. I pull my attention in to try to shut out stimulation. I stop making eye

contact with people. And because I become very jumpy around noise, I try to shut out sound. If my spouse and I are in the same room together, I just won't hear him ask me a question. He probably has to repeat it a few times. I often say to him, make sure you have eye contact with me before you talk to me. So I start to feel like a sponge that's just full of water. Or I've also imagined myself as being a full glass of water

that's just ready to overflow. I also start to feel this constriction around my throat and sometimes I will actually say out loud that I've run out of words. Like I have trouble formulating sentences and stringing thoughts together. And I also become irritable and impatient and annoyed and perhaps even angry. I have started to notice this pattern. There are two things that intensify and ramp up my feelings of overstimulation, one is being sleep deprived. I mean,

sleep is life for me. Without it, I'm more jumpy and noise sensitive and irritable for sure. And drinking caffeine and eating sugar and having blood sugar drops also makes me more anxious and on edge. So I focus a lot on getting good sleep and eating whole foods that balance my blood sugar and also avoiding sweets. This is something I'll talk about a lot more in future podcast episodes. There's so much you can do to care for yourself that helps.

Okay, so now let's move on to quality number three, empathy and emotional reactivity. As HSPs our hearts easily go out to people, we are easily moved emotionally and brain studies showed that for HSPs there's a part of the brain that has higher activation to happy and sad emotional states. We feel things deeply. I get choked up at parades and when I hear marching bands. When holiday songs come on the radio. At a stranger's graduation or a wedding. I don't even need to

know the person. And I'm also often spiritually moved and touched by a sense of connection to a higher power and just really connected to being in all of the beauty of life. I am often moved to tears with just a sense of peace and love. Feeling the magic is one of the best parts of being an HSP even though I often feel self conscious for the fact that I am

tearing up in public spaces. So feeling this kind of move and being moved in this way and feeling the magic is one of the best parts of being an HSP and it also makes up for those moments when our heart stings a little more too because that definitely happens. You feel for other people, you can easily put yourself in another person's shoes, you may find yourself easily tearing up when talking

to people who are in pain. You also may find that you have stronger emotional reactions to loss and just reading about another person's pain can transfer those feelings to you. When the pandemic started, I noticed that hearing other people's stories, I ended up putting myself in their shoes and that I had I would just feel

more anxious because of it. I started to learn that I needed to catch myself and that it's not always healthy for me to start imagining what it's like to be in another person's shoes. If you're an empath, without even realizing it, you absorb other people's emotions or physical experiences of pain. In Episode One, I mentioned that I am not a typical empath, although I feel things deeply.

And in upcoming episodes, I'll talk more about how to make sense of the type of energy you absorb from other people, whether it's emotional or physical or mental. Living with a full heart and encountering emotionally demanding situations can leave you feeling worn out. And you may wonder how to deal with those feelings. Your instinct may be to push away the

hard feelings. And in future episodes of this podcast, I'll share several strategies for finding emotional peace when you're living with a big heart, as we are as HSPs. Now we're coming up on core trait number four, the S stands for sensing subtleties. HSPs notice the little things. And this ability to sense subtleties makes you good at reading people, right? You notice changes in tone of voice and nonverbal cues, and all of those

things. As an HSP, you also have senses that don't quit, but not really in the way that you think. I have been told that I have a nose like a bear. I can smell if someone's used Clorox and another part of the house from two floors down. And I've got more than one set of earplugs for those times when I'm sitting next to a ticking clock or have someone weed whacking outside my window when I'm trying to work. You also notice all those unusual sounds like the clicking and the

ticking noises. But this is not from having excellent nose or ears. But from having brain areas that are more activated with the complex processing of sensory input. You're tuned in to what's happening around you, which gives you a head start, if something is off, it comes in handy for say, helping you notice that your car engine is smoking and you need to pull over. You notice when things are

out of place. I used to come home from work and be able to track exactly what my partner had done that day by noticing the clues in our home. So the open kitchen cabinet door, the dishes on the counter, the shoes abandoned by the front door. Because you notice these subtleties in your environment, you may need to tweak your space. To become more comfortable at work. I've unscrewed the overhead fluorescent lights, and in at least two offices I worked in I brought in my own desk lamps.

I've carried heaters and fans in from home so I'm comfortable. I've shared cubicle spaces that had no windows and those spaces forced me to get creative and to give more life to the space with plants and pictures and decorations. You are sensitive to the energy of the space you're in. Do what you need to do to make your space feel good to you. Together these four traits, deep processing, overstimulation, empathy and emotional reactivity, and sensing subtleties are believed to be an

evolutionary advantage. These traits are key for survival of a species. So remember that pack of deer wading in the pond for a cool drink?You see one deer hanging back but not drinking, he's kind of checking out the funky smell and that green layer of slime trying to figure out if it's safe to go in. "You all go ahead." He's thinking, "if you don't keel over, I will know I'm good to go in." It kind of makes you wonder maybe your cautiousness makes you the

smartest of the bunch. I want you to consider that perhaps this trait makes you the one to follow, even a leader. Now that you know you can spot when things are off probably much earlier than other people around you. You can raise the flag that says we need to pay attention to this. Now that you know the four traits of HSPs, let's talk about the types of HSPs. I'm talking about introverted and extroverted HSPs. 70% of HSPs

are introverted. Most often when you hear descriptions of HSPs, these descriptions are of introverted HSPs. That leaves 30% of HSPs that are extroverted, right? And I want to spend a minute talking about this. If you're extroverted, you get energy from being around people, you crave time with other people, but you still get overstimulated by it. You may really like a more social work environment, even if you need a lot of breaks to reduce

stimulation. When you're taking the time you need to recharge, you may wish you had someone to talk to and spending too much time alone may leave you just feeling flat and disconnected and bored and listless, or unmotivated. So you want to strive to create a balance of time with people and also moments when you can be alone to recharge. When you want to connect with people, the perfect solution may be going out by yourself. You can chit chat with strangers and go home exactly

when you've had your fill. And when you're out you may find you have big energy for socializing and then suddenly crash from the sensory overload. So it's good to have a quick exit strategy for when you become overstimulated as an introverted or extroverted HSP. I recommend and this is something I do myself. I rest up before I go out with friends that way I always go in 100% and I have stamina for enjoying time out. So whether you're an introverted or extroverted HSP, that's something to try.

There's also another category of HSP, which is called the high sensation seeking HSP, or an HSS HSP, HSS HSPs are about 30% of HSPs. You're highly sensitive, and you crave novelty at the same time. You hate being bored, but you want experiences that are also really meaningful. You probably would have been that friend of mine in college who was always trying to drag me off the couch to do something new and cool, like going to the indoor climbing wall or taking a day trip. And unexpectedly, 90%

of HSS HSPs are introverts. You crave new experiences, but it also takes a lot out of you. You have what feels like emotional highs and lows and you may get burnt out from them. So if you're wondering if you're an HSS HSP, Elaine Aaron has a quiz for this too, that you can take and I'm including a link for it in the show notes. Now we've talked about the four traits of HSPs, introverted and extroverted HSPs and high

sensation seeking HSPs. Now, how does learning the four key traits and types of HSPs change how you think about how you set up your life to have a good day, you may be wondering? There's so much you can do to prepare for, to cope with, and recover from challenging parts of the day for

an HSP. The opportunity for you as an HSP is to own that power that comes from being deeply perceptive and emotionally attuned and wise, while also adopting strategies that help you care for the ways that these traits can drain you as well. Embrace the gift of wisdom that comes with it and build a life, a schedule, and a job that works with it. So here's some of the strategies that have worked for me. Because you're a deep processor, give yourself time to

make decisions. So you can think deeply about the question you've been asked. The phrase, "can I get back to you after I check my calendar" was made for HSPs. When someone asks you to make a commitment, always ask for some time to think about it. Use this too if someone asks for your opinion. You're more likely to give an answer that feels right and that you won't kick yourself for later, if you have had a few minutes to check your notes or

to think it through. If I'm second guessing something I said earlier in the day, so often it's because I felt pressured to give an answer before I was ready. So honor your pace. Also, since you're a deep processor when you're working on a project, being interrupted and pulled out of your deep thoughts is jarring. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb and close your email. And instead of creating an open door policy at work hold

office hours. So instead of saying "stop by any time" instead, say "let me know a few days before you want to come by" so I can make sure I'm ready. The idea of having friends or family or co-workers dropp by unannounced is stressful. Encourage everyone in your life to get on your calendar rather than just stopping by anytime, to prevent triggering an acute stress response caused by chaos. Limit unexpected deadlines and requests for help as much as possible and is realistic in

your life. The more you can set up your life so that it's proactive rather than reactive, the better. I have always avoided accepting a job that required me to be on call 24 hours a day for this reason. Ideally, the majority of your work is done on a planned schedule. You know when your reports are due in advance and you can work ahead to avoid the intensity that comes with the pressure of working under a

tight deadline. Try to run your life and your work in such a way that you have control of your schedule. Make "let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you" your default answer for everything. When you're planning that schedule, plan in quiet time to rest and to soothe your nervous system before and after new, intense or chaotic interactions or periods of deep processing and deep listening that come from meetings or appointments or before traveling and after you return from trips.

So as you hear me say these things you may be thinking that it's impossible to make these accommodations. Two things may be coming up, the nature of your work environment just isn't structured this way at all. And the culture of your work environment, or your friends and family have very different boundaries than this. They have expectations, and you feel pressure to live and work the way they live and work. So let me talk about both of these

concerns. First, if your work environment just isn't structured this way at all, say, like your work is all last minute deadlines, you're seeing walk-in clients, someone else manages your calendar, or you work in an open office layout and you're constantly interacting with colleagues, there are still some things you can do. If someone else manages your calendar, put some blocks on your schedule at key times of

day to recharge. Try the afternoon, after lunch around three o'clock when you have your lowest energy, or right after standing meetings that drain you. If you work in an open office layout, wear noise cancelling headphones to signal that you're concentrating and that you shouldn't be disturbed. Listen to white noise or even just silence in those headphones. I started to find great comfort by just wearing the headphones even if nothing was playing in them. Book a

private conference room. Is there another space that you can go to for an hour or just key blocks of time when you need some peace and quiet? It may be true that you're in a job where you can't make any adjustments. Start imagining what your ideal job looks like. And then begin to imagine how you would make a transition to a job that's a fit. I have intentionally made job changes to get the work life I needed. I talk a lot about this in the first episode, I will include a link to it in the

show notes. When I was worn out by working directly with clients for six hours a day, I transitioned to a management position that really reduced the number of hours I had to be in meetings and doing deep listening, which freed up a lot of energy. Okay, so let's talk about the second concern, that your work culture or your friends and family have very different boundaries and expectations. Which means that you feel pressure to keep doing things in a way that works for

them. And you may catch yourself thinking thoughts like "I should be able to say yes to more" or "other people seem to be able to do at all". Or "I should be more flexible. I'm so controlling". Okay, so our thoughts create our feelings. And our feelings impact how we behave. So these thoughts stop you from taking action to build a life that works for you. My challenge for you is to gently and lovingly catch yourself when you're feeling guilty, or you're being hard on yourself for what you

need. And instead, start to reframe your thinking. Instead of thinking "I should be able to say yes to more, other people seem to be able to do at all", think to yourself, "following a calendar and blocking out time for self care gives me or allows me to show up at my best for my commitments and the people I love". Instead of thinking "I should be more flexible". Think about how unexpected surprises and having things dumped on you, leads you to resent your

relationships. When you manage your schedule well, you're able to keep a positive connection to the people in your life. Instead of thinking, "I'm so controlling". Instead, think "when people say yes to everything, someone or some thing is being sacrificed along the way. I know myself and what I need, and I need to stay true to myself". So give yourself permission to manage your schedule and limit

interruptions. I want to encourage you to catch yourself if you start to compare yourself to people who thrive off of adrenaline and novelty and who pack their days and schedules to the brim, and who seemed to enjoy the thrill of dealing with curveballs. I have a very good friend that I've known for over 20 years. And she thrives off the stimulation that comes from busy days. She loves doing and going and being on the go and she is the first to admit that without it, she's bored and

climbing the walls. And I am always so thankful that there are people like her in the world that are built for that kind of living because it means she can do all of the adrenaline based jobs, she can do the adrenaline based job that would wear me out and I don't have to. I leared long ago I can't pace myself off of her or I will burn out. We each have our own unique life to live and our own purpose to fulfill. In other words, you are designed perfectly just as you are and you can do whatever

you're lit up by. Let your heart lead your decisions. You are meant to do what you love. And when you do, that passion will refill you in a way that makes your overstimulation your deep processing all of those things feel worth it. So for now, I want to leave you with two questions to think about. Grab your journal or open the notes on your phone and answer these questions. One, what are signs you're well rested and creating the right

balance in your life? How do you know in your body, your mind and your emotions? And number two, imagine your ideal work day. Make a list of the type of environment office space and work load and how you would manage your workload so that it would work for you. How can you begin to create this kind of work situation for yourself? Okay, friend, I am so glad we got to spend this time together. I will see you next time. If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe, rate and leave

a positive comment. This helps other HSPs to find the show.