You Can Overcome Fear of Conflict and Have Connecting Conversations

I'm here to help you improve your relationships and bounce back from depression . I've learned a lot of this the hard way , and I love making the journey easier for others . Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict ? Well , you're so not alone . I don't think there's anyone completely at ease with bringing up issues in their personal relationships .

We are pack animals and a very primal part of us gets scared that we could get shunned by our pack , by our tribe . I'm going to talk about why those conversations the real , honest and constructive ones might really be worth having . Is there a particular conversation that you know you're avoiding having with someone right now ?

Think of who that person is and what issue that you know really could use addressing . So why are you avoiding the conversation ? What specifically are you afraid will happen ? Maybe you're afraid that they'll get really angry in the moment and yell at you .

Or maybe you're afraid that they'll won't be direct and they'll simmer with a long-held grudge and resentment for a long time . Or maybe you're anxious you might lose that person or group's affection , support or a sense of belonging . Are you scared there could be negative financial consequences ?

Are you afraid you might be seen as needy or high-maintenance or demanding or bitchy , which then you think might make you less desirable ? Are you afraid of seeming like a jerk ? Perhaps your father or mother was mean in fights when you were growing up and you committed to yourself long ago to be nothing like them .

There are many ways we can rationalize our avoidance of hard conversations , so do any of these sound familiar ? Well , I'm just a laid-back person . The thing I need to talk about , well , it's not that important , it's all good . Or maybe because I'm a spiritual person , I shouldn't ask anyone to change or be different . I don't judge anyone .

I should accept them just as they are . Or I'm too busy and have got too much going on in order to bring that up . Or now is not a good time because the person I need to talk to has too much going on and I don't want to upset them . Sometimes being thoughtful about timing is very useful and considerate , but if it continues on for weeks .

It might be more about avoidance than consideration . So here is a list of some real costs , the real price we pay . When we keep avoiding having hard conversations , when we hide who we really are , what we actually want or don't want , our relationships just can't be as close .

We might have friends but still feel kind of lonely because they don't really know the real us , and our psyches just don't like being silenced . When we hide the truth or try to sweep an issue under the rug , we can end up feeling depressed because we don't feel free to express ourselves and to request things . This can lead to lingering resentment .

You might find yourself getting passive , aggressive or mysteriously irritable with others and then , if you don't feel free to share your thoughts and feelings , it can decrease your ability to relax and have fun in your relationships .

Another price is that when we silence ourselves , we can end up with more addictive cravings for food , alcohol , gaming , shopping or something else . Sometimes we aren't even consciously aware that we are mad or hurt by someone's behavior . As humans , our psyches can try to distract us from these emotions by creating strong cravings for addictive substances or activities .

Our bodies are also capable of creating distracting symptoms like stomach upset or unexplainable back pain in order to help us avoid seeing and dealing with conflict . Books such as Unlearn your Pain by Schubiner and Betzold or the book Healing Back Pain by John Sarno are rich resources for how to unwind physical health problems that have an emotional component .

Silencing ourselves actually takes energy . It can cause chronic low-level stress , which is bad for our health . Right , and then , when we're dealing with someone we're dating , if we aren't real about what we want and don't want , we can end up staying with or marrying someone who's not even an appropriate match .

By withholding our preferences , we might be pretending to be whoever we imagine our partner wants , rather than letting them get to know who we really are . Wait the last price .

If we aren't honest with a friend , partner or family member we love , who is sliding into substance abuse or domestic violence or even just neglecting their health , we can end up being part of the problem . We can end up enabling their decline .

Okay , so here's the big question to ask yourself when you catch yourself avoiding a conversation with someone , is this person workable or not ? Really , when you speak with a workable person about something , they're capable of responding constructively , either immediately or after a short period of being temporarily defensive .

A workable person is able to apologize , show real concern and make changes in behavior . Or is this person someone who's self-involved and doesn't feel bad about mistakes or apologize for them , pulls all the attention back to how they've been wronged and doesn't seem to care at all about your needs ? There's a chance that person isn't workable .

Sometimes we don't want to admit to ourselves that a person isn't workable . We keep our focus on our hope in their potential as a way to avoid the disappointing reality of how they're acting right now . Yearning to find her life partner , sue had a pattern of being attracted to men who did not treat her well .

Tired of being single , she wanted it to work out this time . She overlooked red flags , not wanting to see the signs that this current guy wasn't workable . Once in the relationship , sue tended to not be authentic . She would people please , she would over-function , keeping positive , trying to smooth over any conflicts rather than deal with them honestly .

But that was a distraction from accepting that she actually already had plenty of evidence that this guy was not interested in changing and growing with her . Hope can , at times , be hugely harmful , allowing us to stay involved with someone who treats us badly .

When Sue started telling herself the truth of how she really felt about how a man was behaving , she started moving on quickly from unworkable guys to ones that actually did help her thrive . That actually did help her thrive With truly unworkable people . The desire to avoid conflict , to avoid talking about issues . It might be spot on . It might be wise .

If someone is volatile or not capable of regret or remorse or empathy , you probably should avoid an intense conversation with them . It's not gonna go well . It might make most sense to take a step back from them . But what does taking a step back mean ? Well , you're the one that gets to decide .

Maybe stepping back means you stop confiding in the person telling them your secrets . Michelle realized that her mom was terribly critical around anything about her daughter's weight or fitness . Michelle's appropriate step back was to no longer engage in any appearance-related discussion with her mom .

Or maybe the right step back is to stop having sex with an unworkable person or stop initiating getting together so frequently . Or maybe in your heart you know that you need to stop having contact altogether . If the person is workable , then we're on a different path .

If you find yourself avoiding an important conversation that you know would benefit you and the whole relationship . Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get clarity . Awareness and clarity are like gold and can contribute hugely to individual and relationship happiness .

If the discussion goes well , what positive shifts could happen in your relationship With this person ? What is the cost to you of continuing to avoid this conversation ? What help or support might you need in order to take the leap of bringing up this issue ?

Maybe you might need to talk to a sane , supportive friend or counselor first , or maybe you need to have this conversation in a therapist's office , or maybe you know it'll go best if you're talking while you two are doing something pleasant like walking or playing with the dog . So how do you have a constructive , honest conversation that you've been avoiding ?

Sometimes the big conversation you've been picturing and dreading can actually be accomplished super quick and without much drama . Your main job is to come to the person with an honest request for a positive change in their behavior , and if there's something you'd like an apology for , well , it's also your job to ask for one .

Please go into the conversation with the idea that it might go well . People can see that on your face and feel that you believe in them and that you believe in the relationship . This openness paves the way for a cooperative , constructive , creative team effort . Try not to say things in an accusatory tone . Try to stay factual .

You don't need to take on the role of victim . You have more power of influence than that . You have the power to ask for the future treatment that you really want . You don't need to get stuck in being dramatic about the past . You get to lead the conversation constructively , holding your head high with self-respect .

Most of the conversations we need to have aren't huge . I won't try to take on examples of conversations about huge things like infidelity here . Some of the more everyday , constructive conversations might sound something like these three examples John , when you told that story about me in front of my co-workers , I felt embarrassed

. L I'd like you to let me choose how much I share my personal history with them . How does that sound , lucy ? Share my personal history with them ? How does that sound , lucy ? When we went to dinner with my brother , you made a demeaning comment about people who haven't been to college . You know I didn't finish college , so I took big offense at that .

I'm working to stop judging myself as less valuable just because I don't have a degree , and I want you to stop that judgment too , because I don't have a degree , and I want you to stop that judgment too . An apology would really help me put this behind us , bill . When we have sex , I'd like you to take more interest in my pleasure .

I haven't been having orgasms and I would love to enjoy sex more with you . Do you have any specific questions about what works best for my body ? Moving forward , you can break out of the pattern of avoiding talking about hard things . You can become someone who stays current and honest in their relationships .

Your happiness and your relationships will benefit a ton from your courage and effort . Was this episode of the Happiness Coach helpful ? Please share it on social media or with someone you know is having a rough time . To learn more about my private coaching practice , visit my website , helpingyougetunstuckcom . I see clients remotely and in Boulder , colorado .

I'm sending you my care and support . You can do this .