Do you find yourself irritated and complaining about your relationships ? I get to tell you about how to stop complaining and start improving those relationships on this episode of the Happiness Coach . Welcome to the Happiness Coach , helping people who are ready to get unstuck from depression , emotional eating and relationship challenges . My name is Judy O'Neill .
I'm a Harvard grad social worker and a coach . Today we are talking about how we can use anger to help us be happier . Our society can totally shame us for having anger . It is often deemed unsightly , not loving , and certainly not spiritual or ladylike .
This kind of belief can lead many of us to deny our anger and much research tells us that denying or suppressing anger can be bad for our health . But anger has the potential to help us too . There's a saying our anger is information .
For us , anger arising inside can be a wake-up call that we are allowing someone to treat us badly or we're witnessing someone else getting treated badly . Anger can let us know that it's time to set a firm limit or get support to change a pattern . Say you see your partner Sam at a party complaining to his friends about something you did .
He was rolling his eyes in exasperation at the old ball and chain . You might respond in several ways . See for yourself which of these feels most familiar and which feels most useful and healthy . First option you go into denial that it actually bothered you . You aren't consciously aware of any problem . When you wake up the next morning your back is actually out .
You end up spending the next few weeks completely stressed and occupied with pain relief , doctors' visits and coping . Your well-meaning subconscious or psyche has protectively tugged this disappointing piece of truth about your relationship away underground . Or second you lock yourself in your host's bathroom and sob , feeling victimized and hopeless , trapped in the relationship .
You then pull yourself together and put on a pleasant face . When you get home , maybe you initiate sex to feel close again . Later you proceed to take it out on yourself by eating three pieces of cake and a whole carton of ice cream . You feel depressed .
Or a third option Maybe you simmer with resentment for days , acting icy , highly irritable , running late to meet him at an important business dinner . You are being really passive-aggressive , trying to get him to feel your anger . You don't directly communicate what upset you . You complain to your friends about what an ass he is .
Or fourth Maybe after the party you lose it with him , screaming at him and shaming him for being such a terrible , flawed husband . You end up later feeling ashamed that you treated him like that . Or there's a fifth option . You see his eye rolling and the public complaining about you at the party and right then you feel anger or rise inside .
You think to yourself mm-mm , oh , that is so not okay . You approach him hey , sam , could I talk to you in private for a second ? Once you're away from the party , you say what the heck ? That was so not acceptable . I love you , but I am pissed . I don't want you to ever show disdain for me in public . It is disrespectful .
If you have an issue with something I've done or said , bring it to me privately so that I can address it . So what went right with number five ? What can we learn from that ? You were aware of Sam's behavior and the anger that rose inside you . You didn't minimize it . You didn't just go to blame or shame .
Instead , you stayed with what is true for you and communicated a direct request and requests are so powerful and you kept it about his particular action and didn't go to drama about who he is as a husband . You leaned into the relationship by sharing your feelings rather than pulling away . You channeled the anger into empowerment .
You took care of yourself by setting a clear boundary and expectation of respect . You raised the bar for the relationship . So the situation is not really about blame . It's more about choice and preference . Because we have free will , we get to choose what behaviors we will tolerate in life and which we won't . Anger can be profound .
I know it's a super uncomfortable emotion , but anger offers us a gift . It gives us guidance on how to navigate a life where we can actually thrive , a life where we can say no to things that are bad for us , leaving room for us to say yes to what we truly do want in our lives . Was this episode of the Happiness Coach helpful ?
Please share it on social media or with someone you know is having a rough time . To learn more about my private coaching practice , visit my website helpingyougetunstuckcom . I see clients remotely and in Boulder , colorado . I'm sending you my care and support . You can do this .