How to Build a Supportive and Happy Partnership

I've learned a lot of this the hard way , and I love making the journey easier for others . Well , research shows that healthy relationships are good for our mental health . Right ? But what does a healthy romantic partnership actually look like ? How does it work ? What is actually reasonable to hope for ?

Today , I'm going to offer you juicy , helpful tidbits of relationship advice that my husband , michael and I learned a whole lot of the hard way . We spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars on individual and couples counseling . I've often thought the tagline of my private practice could be these words I suffered , so you don't have to .

My parents were both good people who learned horrible relationship skills and brought a lot of reactivity from their own past trauma . My dad had post-traumatic stress disorder from the trenches of the Korean War . My mom came from a home that had a lot of fighting and criticism .

With three kids , my parents were trying so hard to get by and it was a painful mess . Well , our generation's opportunity now is to heal past pain by having healthier relationships . Going forward , you have the power to leave old , damaging human relationship patterns in the past .

Well , here are some juicy grounded actions that both partners can take to demonstrate respect and care to each other . These healthy steps can help you build a strong , workable foundation that protects your romance , sex life and friendship for the long term .

First , in order to treat each other as fellow teammates playing on the same side , make all significant decisions together . Inspired by the teachings of psychologist Stan Tatkin , we call these we decisions . Planning a visit from family , making a plan to go out for drinks with another couple after a busy week , buying a new bike they're all we decisions .

When I was one year old , without asking my mom , my dad actually brought home a Labrador puppy and she had two other kids to care for . Someone I know bought a house without consulting their partner . When in doubt , always check in first with the other member of your two-person team . To not check in first is simply not functional .

Next , hold both your wants and your partner's wants as super important . You can find a creative approach to any situation that factors in the needs of both partners . Stan Tatkin writes in his book Wired for Love these words your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make them feel safe and secure .

If you need to get outside help like counseling or financial advice , please do it just to make the best decisions possible as a team . It's so important that neither of you sit on simmering resentment or hurt . I know we all get afraid of bringing up hard conversations .

It scares us , but your job is to be open and honest with your partner and bring what you want or need to the table for team discussion . Keep each other current . If you need a regular weekly check-in , get that on your calendars at a time that works for both of you . Here's a little trick when dealing with humans .

If you go into a conversation with the assumption that your partner is going to respond well , they'll feel that hopeful energy . Your face will look different and things will likely go better and they will get less defensive . So we got to be careful to not pathologize anger . It is not something to be ashamed of .

When it arises inside of us , it's to be seen as important information that someone is not treating you or another person the way you want . If you're angry at your partner , you have a very important task before you . It's your job to calmly let them know you're upset and make a request for them to make a future change .

There's just no need for drama to get your point across . Sometimes showing less emotion can leave your partner room to actually hear what you're saying and if you need an apology for something your partner did or is doing , go ahead and directly ask for a real apology rather than finding yourself getting resentful that they haven't initiated it .

These steps can help you break out of ruminating on how terribly you've been treated . They can help you both constructively move forward in a healthier direction . If your partner makes a request of you , it's important that you not minimize or pathologize that request as being needy or uptight or demanding .

If you do feel that your partner's request won't actually be workable for you , be honest and let them know that . Keep talking together until you find a midway place that actually works for both of you .

An important side note If your partner does not seem able to compromise or doesn't seem to have the capacity to have concern or empathy for your feelings or needs , then you will need to pause , probably seek counseling and figure out if this relationship is even workable . So those are some guidelines to help you function together as a healthy team .

Here are some real-life topics that your team will need to address . Long-term partnership is intense . It has the potential to be intensely challenging and excruciatingly painful and intensely sweet and fun and sexy and nourishing . So as I go through these topics , ask yourself this question which couple of these most need my attention in my relationship ?

So first , and possibly most important , is your physical and medical self-care . When you're in a relationship with a partner or a friend or family member , part of your job is taking full responsibility for fighting for your physical health .

So , as an example , if you come from a family that has a history of melanoma , it's your job to stay on top of wearing hats and sunscreen and getting an annual dermatologist checkup . This protects you and your partner from the possible hardship of supporting you through cancer treatment .

If you're developing chronic pain from orthopedic issues , the kindest thing you can do is to quickly arrange medical help , and if that medical help doesn't resolve the issue , your task is to keep an open mind and not give up until you find the right solution .

It does often take a few tries to find the right provider or the right intervention , you might have the power to protect your future self and your partner's future self from great difficulty If you're overweight or out of shape or have prediabetes .

Your job is to make changes to improve your health . You can get whatever paid or unpaid support you need to make it happen . When you get on top of it , the people who care about you will feel such a relief . If your partner mentions being concerned about your health , try really hard to not see it as nagging .

They might just want you both to have as happy and healthy a future as possible . They might not be nagging you , they might just being honest with you . The absence of health issues is like gold for enjoying life . Now , if they're being critical of your appearance , that's a different discussion , a complicated one .

If you really want them to stop mentioning your health , just go ahead and do what it takes to be healthier . Your partner might also need to address how much you're using alcohol or other addictive behaviors . You're part of a team , so these kinds of actions deeply affect your partner , friends and family .

Again , if your partner brings up your marijuana use or gambling or gaming or something else . Try your best to not get or not stay offended . It's not an insult , it's just a healthy wake-up call . Almost all of us have addictive patterns , emotional challenges .

So if your moods , words or actions are affecting your partner negatively , your next step is to protect your partner by getting professional help . Don't feel like getting help . I totally get it and sometimes , as adults , it is our next step forward . There are many resources for getting free or reduced fee counseling . Just call your local city or county government .

Otherwise , psychologytodaycom has a great directory of therapists . Running your household , it's really important that you regularly discuss how you both are feeling about who takes care of which piece of running a functioning household . It's complicated .

If one person feels they're doing more than their fair share , it builds resentment and chips away at the potential joy and ease of the relationship . So it's important . Perhaps your partner , who does both the cooking and cleaning up each evening , is feeling overwhelmed and tired and needing a break at the end of the day .

But maybe you don't wait for them to ask for help , but instead you suggest that you become the regular dishwasher . But instead you suggest that you become the regular dishwasher . Okay , boundaries with extended family oh boy , that's a whole podcast . But if you dislike that , your mother-in-law surely keeps stopping by unannounced .

It's your partner's job to protect you and your relationship by asking her mom to check in before visiting to see if the timing truly works for you all . Here are a few key questions for you and your partner to answer as a team . Who are you both truly comfortable with living in your home ? Who are you not comfortable with living in your home ?

Which house guests actually work for you , and for how long a visit ? Are you both comfortable loaning anyone money or not ? Really ? Okay , so that was a totally cursory touch on boundaries with extended family . You'll find more about that later . Parenting Perhaps you're feeling like you're holding too much of the day-to-day tending of your kids or pets .

It's your job to make a request that your partner take on a bigger share of the work . Or maybe it's their job to notice that you're getting fried . By making this request , you're protecting the relationship by preventing burnout or resentment . Then you both can have a constructive conversation as a team to find a creative game plan . So what about sex ?

You both get to take on the job of making requests , not complaints , around your sex life . Maybe you'd like your partner to initiate more , or you'd like a certain kind of touching , or you'd like to hear more positive input that they find you attractive . To check in with your partner and ask them if they have any requests .

Deciding together about contraception is one of the most important tasks you can do together as a team . Please do not assume anything about your partner's sexual health or use of birth control .

If one of you starts to have low libido caused by declining hormones or a medication or something else , it's your responsibility to take the steps necessary to protect your sexual connection with your partner .

Hormone supplementation has been found to be much safer than was thought , and erectile dysfunction medication , when needed , can reduce stress and increase fun for lots of people . When needed , can reduce stress and increase fun for lots of people . So perhaps a visit to a medical provider is the next loving step you can take .

Or maybe you and your partner hit an adult toy store that has staff trained to educate their customers about what you can do to improve your sex life . Making social plans , michael and I found that it works best when we check in with each other before committing to evening or weekend plans , when a particular evening doesn't work for one of us .

We're honest and we let the other person know . There's a lovely back and forth support of each other's needs and interests . What are the team's needs around communication ? One really good guideline is to always tell your partner any big news first .

Do you notice that you feel disappointed when you've been texting together and suddenly your partner disappears without letting you know they need to sign off ? So maybe that needs addressing . When your partner is out of town , do you feel more connected when y'all have a quick check-in by phone every evening ?

But maybe every evening is a little much for your partner when they're a guest at someone's house for a short while and they don't want to be rude to the host . So perhaps the team solution is that you just check in by text those evenings .

Spending , both over and under spending , have a huge impact on your relationship . If you work together to make joint decisions , then there will be less frustration and fear and more peace and trust between you . It can be so easy to fall into a denial of the impacts of our spending . It can be so easy to fall into a denial of the impacts of our spending .

It can be so helpful to get outside input as a reality check Now . This could take the form of working with an advisor or reading together a Susie Orman book about managing your finances . Need free or reduced fee financial planning ? Check your local government's resources or visit this website , financialplanningassociationorg to learn about their pro bono program .

If you both want to make sure you have enough money for a car or house down payment or for retirement , then what is a realistic budget ? If your partner has always dreamed of traveling to see national parks , then what does that mean for the day-to-day budget in order to make their dream happen ?

If you tend to spend too much , you can choose to use an app like Mint to place guidelines on your spending . Those apps can be really helpful . Here's a question to ask yourself which is more important to you feeling free to buy whatever you want or having peace and closeness with your partner ? Sometimes our minds can over-dramatize the wonderfulness of freedom .

If you're too frugal with money and won't spend enough to tend to your physical health or go on an important vacation to make memories or fill the need for some child care , you might need to push out of your comfort zone to compromise with your partner .

Which is more important to you following the budget perfectly or having a happy relationship , leaving this episode with a couple nuggets of information that you feel can actually improve how you and your partner treat each other . I want you to feel empowered to have the kind of relationship that truly helps you both thrive .

Was this episode of the Happiness Coach helpful ? Please share it on social media or with someone you know is having a rough time . To learn more about my private coaching practice , visit my website helpingyougetunstuckcom . I see clients remotely and in Boulder , colorado . I'm sending you my care and support . You can do this .