Do you tend to think your life is more of a mess than everyone else's ? I get to help you poke holes in that painful belief on this episode of the Happiness Coach . Welcome to the Happiness Coach , helping people who are ready to get unstuck from depression , emotional eating and relationship challenges . My name is Judy O'Neill .
I'm a Harvard grad social worker and a coach . Today we are talking about the big myth that everyone else's lives are better . Do you tend to compare your life to what you assume to be true about someone else's ? In those moments we can totally see our own lives as being less successful and then less valuable . There's a powerful , painful myth in our culture .
It fuels comparison and adds layers of shame . Here it is . Everyone else has their lives together , but here's the actual truth All of us are partly a mess . When I was struggling terribly with compulsive eating and depression , I thought that I was especially messed up .
I look back now and I see that my challenges weren't unique and having them did not mean I was defective . I was a young woman trying so hard on a journey to heal , learning things that would end up helping others . From the vantage point now of being 55 , I finally get that we all have a part of our lives that causes us pain .
Maybe you've discovered that your spouse is cheating , or you're trying to climb out of huge credit card debt , or your teen is using drugs .
You could make the situation mean that your life and journey are embarrassing , unsuccessful or worth less than the lives of others whose difficulties you can't see , or you can make the experience mean that you are a human along with everyone else . I call it being in the human soup . We all screw up . We all long for things to be better .
When we believe that everyone else has their lives together , we feel like losers . If we believe that everyone is actually partly a mess . If that we replace the myth with the truth , we end up feeling more compassion for everybody , including ourselves .
So many of us are pretending to ourselves or others that we're totally okay , we're putting on a happy face , but if everyone wore a sign that says what current personal struggle they are facing , I think we would finally see the tender truth .
Some t-shirts might say Hurting with my fourth migraine this week , or feeling ashamed I didn't get the job , afraid I married the wrong person , or running ragged taking care of elderly in-laws .
I don't actually love so many people's relationships or marriages look successful and happy from the outside , but you know that almost half of all marriages end in divorce and of the rest who stay married , we know that a whole lot of those people aren't happy , but they're staying because of the commitment , the finances or kids .
I do wish people would be more honest about how challenging committed relationships can be . My husband , michael , and I have had to work so hard for years to build the imperfect but nourishing and playful partnership we now have . Many people wouldn't have been able to tell from the outside how much we were struggling and working .
I will be the first to bust any myth that committed partnership is quote happily ever after . So then , going back to everyone's life is partly a mess .
Let's add the list of all other kinds of difficult human experiences that make us feel vulnerable Recent death of a loved one , going through divorce , having a miscarriage , being in a job that you hate but feel desperate to keep regretting having gotten a degree you aren't using , children have left home , and so did your sense of purpose , experiencing any chronic
illness , experiencing poverty , feeling isolated or lonely . I feel that each of us can take tiny steps to bust the myth that everyone else's life is better . Not buying into the myth enables us to rest in that compassion rather than struggle in the competition .
You know how some people will ask as a greeting how are you all good If you look at all the things we just mentioned and how life is so both that it can be wonderful , beautiful and horrible and difficult . It's kind of a laughable question all good ? When anyone greets me that way , I always answer with well , things are actually both .
They're up and they're down , even if I'm having a wonderful day . I don't want to contribute to the joint myth that life is supposed to be quote all good . Perhaps the next time you ask someone how they are , imagine you're leaving a door open for them to talk about either really good things in their world or the big challenges . Life is tenderly , both .
Was this episode of the Happiness Coach helpful ? Please share it on social media or with someone you know is having a rough time . To learn more about my private coaching practice , visit my website helpingugetonstuckcom . I see clients remotely and in Boulder , colorado . I'm sending you my care and support . You can do this .