Breaking Free From People-Pleasing

I've learned a lot of this the hard way , and I love making the journey easier for others . Most of us had parts of our childhood that were rough . There was volatility in our home lives , whether it was caused by addiction , abuse , mental illness , lack of money , fighting parents or something else .

The focus of attention in these families is often on coping , on just surviving and getting by , and not enough attention is on the kids' real feelings , wants and needs In a stable environment . We learn how to have healthy , nourishing relationships either from a wise grown-up's advice or from seeing healthy patterns modeled by the adults around us .

The good news is that when we start practicing healthy relationship skills as an adult , a young part of us sees evidence that we're now safe , we're feeling connected , we're seen , we're respected , we can begin to relax , have less depression and anxiety and enjoy life more . Well , here are four pieces of relationship wisdom .

Many of us did not learn how you feel it matters . And second , you should feel safe to ask for what you want or prefer . Third , saying no setting limits is normal , healthy and good . And fourth , you should trust yourself , your intuition and your discernment .

In the absence of learning these four pieces of relationship wisdom , kids often develop the coping mechanism of people-pleasing . This pattern might have helped you survive and navigate a really challenging childhood . The problem is that the people-pleasing pattern ends up causing us a whole lot of suffering as adults . It causes mega stress .

Part of people-pleasing is withholding the truth of what you want and what you don't want . Much research has shown that keeping secrets causes baseline stress in your body . If you keep not being honest about your wants and limits , you're gonna get pissed and resentful at those around you . It might be just below the surface .

You might hope that no one knows , but believe me , the sensitive people in your life are aware and stressed by it . People pleasing energy can attract unhealthy potential partners or friends . People who feel safe when they're in control of others can sniff out and are drawn to people-pleasing energy .

Because of the hell that they went through as kids their trauma they learned or came up with the coping mechanism of narcissistic control . They feel safest when able to control others . So if you aren't really honest from the inside out with people about your feelings , your relationships aren't going to be as close and satisfying .

People pleasing can make you feel lonely and like no one truly knows you . But you can change relationships where you feel nourished and respected , where you're concerned about the other person's feelings and needs and your own needs and wants , that you can hold both . So here's a story .

Though Michelle's dad and alcoholic mom were trying hard to be good parents , a lot of her childhood was so stressful . She was often on edge , afraid of her mom's anger . She didn't know what might set her mom into her next rage . Her dad did not model good communication .

He was walking on eggshells , not setting limits with Michelle's mom and would ignore his wife's past screw-ups in order , to quote , keep the peace . Dad was holding tightly to hope hope that Michelle's mom would decide to get help and become her old self .

This fantasy hoped-for future distracted him from accepting and addressing the present , very serious reality in their family . Michelle learned from all of this that the safe way to be in relationships was to people-please .

As an adult she had found herself with three partners who all initially seemed very attentive and charming , but they all ended up being disrespectful , verbally abusive jerks . Michelle's people-pleasing pattern included the following features .

See , if any sound familiar to you Self-scrutiny Her focus was often on whether she was acting and looking perfect , rather than on carefully evaluating a potential partner . She stayed silent about anything her partners did that made her uncomfortable . She walked on eggshells and wouldn't honestly communicate her feelings or make any requests for change .

She was scared her feelings or preferences might be seen as demanding or unappealing . She was terrified that she might make her partners angry or abandon her . She settled for crumbs of affection and the few good times , just like her dad did with her mom .

You know , just because someone has some positive attributes or because there are some good times or because just because you love them , that's not enough . It's not enough to make a relationship workable . Things need to change . Michelle repeatedly took refuge in the fantasy hope that her partner would return to being the attentive person that she initially met .

So how can you break such a long-standing people-pleasing pattern ? There's a small chance you might be able to do it on your own , with the support of something like this , or books and YouTube , and along with sane friends or family members YouTube , and along with sane friends or family members .

Or you might know in your gut that the next right step is to seek counseling and or start attending Al-Anon or Codependence Anonymous . These are amazing 12-step groups for loved ones of people who struggle with addiction or other dysfunction . There is zero , zero shame in getting professional help . It takes courage and it's worthy of respect .

Here are three guidelines to support you with breaking free from people-pleasing in your romantic relationships . Look for any tendency you might have to not want to see red flags about someone you're dating . If this person isn't right for you , it's so good to quit early so that you can move on to find your real partner .

Next , stay honest with yourself about how you're feeling , about any big or small challenges in the relationship . It can be good to discuss any concerns you have with someone who is sane and cares about you . Dysfunction feeds on secrets and isolation .

And third , share these feelings with your partner and make specific requests for any changes that would help you feel cared for , safe and respected . When you do communicate openly about a pattern that you want your partner to change , you'll likely get one of these three kinds of responses . First , the person might respond great .

They might sincerely apologize and want to work together as a team to improve things . Or second , they might get initially upset or defensive , but then later respond well . So both of those are great . Or third , maybe the person becomes outraged .

They feel victimized by your accusation and say mean things , get really defensive , get verbally abusive or give you the silent treatment . A response like number three is really important information for you about what your future might look like with this person . Look like with this person .

It can be crucial to shift your focus away from pleasing this person on to being honest with yourself . You can take the leap to not accept crumbs and hold out for a relationship that is in line with who you honestly are and what you really want are and what you really want . Was this episode of the Happiness Coach helpful ?

Please share it on social media or with someone you know is having a rough time . To learn more about my private coaching practice , visit my website , helpingyougetunstuckcom . I see clients remotely and in Boulder , colorado . I'm sending you my care and support . You can do this .