Divine Dance: Living In Surrender With Dre Lakin

That's pretty much how all the conversations on this podcast go . I don't sit down and outline out what we're going to talk about , because these conversations are led by spirit and something amazing always comes through because of that . But this one , it shook me . I'll just say that it shook me , which you will hear , so let's just go ahead and immerse .

This is my conversation with the wonderful Dre Lakin . So , dre , one of the things that I always think of when I think of you , what I think of first , is how you inspired me the minute I met you . And it was because , well , first of all , we met as moms .

You know , momming on the playground , um , you know momming on the playground and and I'm always inspired anyway , just by other moms , anyway , cause I'm just like wow , I bow down to you , I just think it's . You know , just the being a mom is already inspiring me as a mom myself .

And then , you know , one of the first things that you did tell me was you know that you where you were on your path with Addison's disease and you were educating me about it because it was , it was something you were going through and because I was sharing things that I was going through physically as well and we were again sharing that mom connection .

But that very first day , I was incredibly inspired because I was like , wow , ok , being a mom is like enough . And then you add all the things I know about you that aspect and then all the things about your , your career and what you have accomplished professionally as a choreographer and a dancer and a Broadway performer and many other things .

And , um , you know , I was just asking you how you're feeling in this moment , because I know for you as it is for all of us , but some of us have more illusion than others . It is moment to moment how you're feeling , what you're bringing to that moment .

And don't you feel that it's sort of one of those things where you only know when you're living it that this is the way we're all supposed to be living ?

trying to do it better than everybody else .

And and , yeah , once you don't have that luxury for me , once I don't have that luxury for me , once I don't have that luxury , even for a couple of days , because my physical teacher is just simply migraine headaches that shut me down to the degree where , you know , I'm just out of commission for that amount of time .

But even in that amount of time , that illusion gets ripped away and it's like , oh yeah , we have none of that . We have none of that , like , just today is what we have .

How can I be anything but grateful , right To be humbled in such a way through suffering that I've had to learn the hard way that people and places and things , we can't idolize any of that and we can't put our faith in those things .

And I'll go further Material things , all of that stuff , right , it doesn't come with us when we leave this realm , this realm . But to get back to that point of being in that present moment , I knew nine years ago , when I was diagnosed , that lesson right away . It taught me to live my life in four hour intervals and that changed everything .

But this year , being brought to my knees , to where I had no choice but to surrender , where I had no choice but to surrender , right , how can I be anything but grateful for that pain that brought me to that place ?

It sounds , you know , when people hear that they don't have the concept . It sounds like how in the world could you ever be that they don't have the concept ? It sounds like how in the world could you ever be grateful for pain ? How in the world could you ever be grateful to , to , to be incapacitated and and ?

And that's the mystery , isn't it of the divine ? The mystery of grace and of spirit is , well , it is one of those things like parenthood . You're just not going to understand until you're doing it , that actually this is the most terrible and the most amazing thing in the world . Right , it is the hardest and the easiest in some way way in the world .

Right , but to know that the pain that I was in emotionally and mentally and spiritually because of my own wounds whether those came from a religion or church or the world doesn't matter Collectively , we all have these wounds right .

The place that I was in emotionally and mentally the night before this happened to me is actually something that now I'm so grateful to have experienced that darkness , because had I not been brought there , how could I ever speak to that pain , to hold a space or to have empathy for someone that might come behind me , that might need that real compassion ?

I already knew , you know , my friend . I'm like I know her . She's a celebrity , you know she's . She's been on Broadway , she's done these amazing things . She's been in Cats . It's incredible . Been on Broadway , she's done these amazing things . She's been in Cats . She's incredible .

And just every time I watch you dance or watch your choreography , I am just all over again . Like I know her , she is an absolute star .

And when I met you , like I said , I was marveling about oh my gosh , you know what you've lived through , but also what you're living through , and at that time , the Addison's disease , which attacks your entire adrenal system , take everything that you need to survive and just slams it to the ground and says that's not going to be available to you .

So your body needs the cortisol .

It's not FDA approved , but it's basically something used like from a diabetic pump that they're experimenting with they're experimenting with so .

So I will say that writing about all of that and then the publishing process and releasing it to the world was certainly an undertaking that I probably underestimated a little bit , as far as the stress and just walking back through everything and reliving it all was certainly the hardest thing that I've ever done .

So that entire year , I want to say that I was battling , you know , emotional wounds that had unfortunately been left ripped wide open .

But those emotional wounds included , yes , abuse from a young age , from people you looked up to , abuse from those who were , who were giving you opportunities in your work on in the dance world , abuse from romantic relationships . You know just countless uh pathway of of abusers right , that you encountered on your soul path .

And then your body said one day , okay , I'm expressing things this way . And then , as you wrote it and relived it , yeah , like a crack .

So I spent the entire year sort of masking , as I'm putting out the book and my publisher saying , okay , go on TikTok and it's time to start talking about it . And telling your story .

And sharing those videos on TikTok was never something I saw myself doing , but behind the scenes , I was battling so so much pain emotionally , um , that it became this , this sort of way for me to express , and then turned into advocacy , um , but deep down , I was really hiding what was was really going on .

Uh , and just to be very candid with you , uh , the book was released Thanksgiving of last year , 2023 . And that week that the book was released , I was in such a dark place that I was actually on suicide watch . So as a family , we were doing everything we possibly could to heal and to just try to move forward .

You know , and I'm praying and I'm trying to do everything I possibly can to heal that wound that just is remaining open . And to give you an example , you know there's two types of wounds . There's the wounds that happen , that are immediately tended to tightened up and cleaned up and stitched up right away no infection .

Some heal so beautifully you barely know they're there . And then there are the wounds that are continuously left open , to be , you know , left to their own devices . And when you're left to your own devices to heal that wound , sometimes it doesn't always work out , especially when life's happening and you're trying to survive .

Like we said , be a parent , be a part of your feet Essentially bleeding out right and no one's coming to save me .

And we're at a point Christmas time last year as a family that we needed to heal , christmas time last year as a family that we needed to heal , and so we took a trip to the beach and prayed and said , all right , we're going to sell our house new chapter , we're moving to the beach , that's it .

We came back New Year's Day and on January 3rd , the night before I went to go get my hair done , came home , had a sweet little family night with Alina and Paul , we played Uno and the next day I drove myself to my infusion and knew that I was low .

When I woke up that morning , I remember brushing my teeth and then sort of being like Hmm , what do I do next ? You know , I like forgot the order of things . But , as I had done many times before , I got in the car and I said I'm dehydrated of things .

But , as I had done many times before , I got in the car and I said I'm dehydrated , I haven't had my infusion in two weeks . I had just had COVID , uh , during Thanksgiving , and I was really still struggling with that and having some shortness of breath still Um .

And so I drove to my infusion that morning in Atlanta and I remember kind of getting tunnel vision , driving and feeling a little bit numb in my body and there was , you know six lanes wide of traffic right or sort of this massive semi to my right that was getting ready to approach my lane .

And I'm looking over in slow motion as I'm driving and I'm like man , that semi is getting really close to me and I just had no awareness that I was crashing . So I ended up making it to the parking deck .

I parked my car , I take the keys out of the ignition , I remember getting a little bit overheated , I put my sunglasses on , I go to open the door and I was like I can't deal with people today .

Like I put my sunglasses on and I just knew and I got out of the car and that's when I realized that my feet were a little bit heavy and it was a little bit difficult to walk and I'm like , all right , I got to just get upstairs and get my fluids and that's when that will to survive , I think sort of just kicks in and every Addisonian will tell you

that , that you really know , like if you're a stubborn type a personality with this situation , you're going to battle it to the last breath . So I got upstairs and it was very fuzzy from from this point forward for me , but I got upstairs and thankfully they got me back right away .

But I remember thinking to myself gosh , I hope I have a nurse today that knows my situation .

Okay , we're , we're shutting down now , and it's not just a temporary , it's not just a like you pass out , it's like yeah . Yeah .

I had to call out the name of Jesus one time in an airport in Arkansas because nobody would help me , and so you know , this morning , thankfully , they got me back right away .

But I did remember that my nurse was somebody that I had not had very many times , and so , as I'm walking back to go to my station where I get treatment , I'm telling her , or attempting to tell her hey , I think I need more .

And already , right then I knew I was in trouble because she didn't know what more meant and I didn't have the capacity to tell her yeah , but we get me back to the chair . She's like okay , let's get you accessed right away to your port . So that what ? And I kept trying to fumble through my things and figure out where to put my bag .

I was getting confused and I'm like okay , let's get me access . I was like she's like what is your dose ? What is your dose ? And I attempted to bring out my tablets . I realized I could not count the tablets that were in the palm of my hand .

And I look up at her in slow motion or at least it felt that way and I say you're going to have to ask them . And that meant everyone else there that knew . Okay , it was a full day of patients , full day of nurses , so busy .

So they get me in the chair and she gets me accessed and , to the best of my knowledge , this is where things get a little bit hazy , frankly , and I think I'm still unpacking how to make sense of this , because when I woke up in the hospital days later with the chaplain at my bedside , it was then , you know , when I was able to put to words my experience

. It was the chaplain and it was medical professionals that expressed to me . It sounds like you've had a near-death experience and to this day I've questioned well , what exactly does that mean ? Because I thought it meant your body . You know , when the soul leaves the body , you can see it from above , and that was not my experience at all .

But this is where it gets wild .

But , because of circumstances , the way we are as humans , you know , we don't communicate all the time , but in the meantime our children are friends and and your husband , you know , facilitates play , and so it's like a movie where you have two different versions of what's going on .

Because on my end , you know , around that time , after this was resolved to the best it could be , at that time we're just having a play date and you know dad telling me well , things got really bad , had and you know , and , and of course , is that by then used to giving this , uh , you know , description of what happened .

So I'm sure it gets more and more a nutshell of what happened . But to be able to go back now , almost a year , and kind of re , kind of experience this with you is now as people listening can hear and feel , and if you watch it on youtube you will see that it it is um profound .

I mean , I'm going , I'm going through a shift with you as you're telling this , because the um nde part I actually had no idea about , because there's no way to quickly tell somebody about that .

So , and this and this was the moment that I was supposed to experience that and the ways that it ties in Dre , when I tell you about , because you know , you have these connections where maybe you talk about , you have these connections where you're connected on other levels , especially as we become more aware of our soul connections and there are those ones that

we all know . You feel things and you don't quite know and I can tell you . The name of this podcast is the Guides and I can tell you , ever since that first meeting I told you about , you have been an earthly guide for me , even when we're not interacting . And I feel the same about you wow , that's amazing and I know spirits doing that .

Look at our way , I know .

I'll explain why , but but just , I'm just connecting so deeply with this and I just wanted those listening to know that that's , that's . This is not like me going .

And I told my hairstylist last night that I didn't know if I would ever have the capacity to share the story , because it's so sacred to me and because I had put my book in a box literally for a year , didn't want to deal with it , I said you know , I don't want anything to do with this .

The only way I'm doing this is if , if you know , it's a divine connection and it it so was .

When you reached out , I knew right away that we were meant to talk and and share and , um , open up a space for this stuff , and and and you've been a guide for me as well , and I've I've felt instantly when I saw your message that this was supposed to be so , because I know now we're connecting with , with who knows who , who's connecting with all of this

on so many levels , and I'm just , I'm just blown away by what spirit the universe , god , however you think of it it is does the miracles , the connections .

They also know my own steroid emergency shot is in my bag . At this point I did not have the ability to really tell my nurse but , like at that point , she had gotten enough people involved that they knew where it was . There was a lot of activity around my chair .

There was a lot of activity around my chair and I'm just going to ask the Holy Spirit to guide this and to hopefully be that vessel and to surrender what did happen and let him use it for good to help others , because I wasn't sure if I should share it , but it feels like the right thing to do . So hearing is the right thing to do .

Um , so hearing is the last thing to go and I actually did not know that I , despite all of my crises , despite all of the , you know , very close calls that I've had right , I did not know that hearing was the last thing . So , because I had full hearing intact , I also had no awareness that I wasn't breathing .

So I'm laying in the chair and I hear them breathe , breathe . We need you to breathe . And I remember just thinking in my consciousness , in my heart , if you will , in my spirit why are they screaming at me to breathe ?

Like I'm right here and this is the part that I will probably never understand came immediately to the right of my chair to assess the situation and there was this sense that I became her consciousness , or that we were sharing a consciousness .

But I was still laying in the chair , fully hearing everything as a human , what my human brain could comprehend at the moment , and I suddenly began to hear her mental ping pong back and forth Should I get it , should I not ? Should I get it , should I not ? Should I get it , should I not ? I didn't understand fully .

Again , I'm thinking everything's fine , I'm just kind of asleep , we're passing out , I need some steroids and I'll be fine . Well then , they're screaming at me . They're doing this thing called a chest rub . Well then , they're screaming at me . They're doing this thing called a chest rub .

And they do this to elicit as much pain on your sternum as possible to try and get a response out of the patient . At this point . They're pulling my eyes back , they're trying to get me to wake up .

They're screaming my name I can hear them , but they're distant , you know and they're doing this intense chest rub to try and elicit a reaction and it's , you know , sort of making my eyes open and then close . And initially there was a physician who came to the floor to assess .

It was someone I had never seen before and he's like oh , you know , she's responsive . I think that was the message . Was that when 911 was called by some mistake ? But I don't think there's any mistakes and you'll see why in a minute if you'll just give me the patience and the time to share . Um , I appreciate it so much because I help somebody .

Um , this is the gift that's flowing through you . Yes , um , I appreciate it so much so , and this is genuine . This is the through you . Yes , um , I appreciate it so much so , and this is genuine . This is the first time I've shared it , so I thank you so much . Um , I'm honored . So , and archie wants to come back up here .

Um , so I'm laying there thinking that I'm conscious . Meanwhile , I'm beginning to sense and feel the nurse next to me . There's awareness that there are multiple nurses around . They're trying to get approval from the pharmacy to give me the steroids . They can't get in touch with them , it's not coming through .

So then they start going through my bag to get my own medication and they give me the shot . I don't wake up , and so it gets a little bit more panicky . And I know that there are two other nurses to my left . And are you feeling fear at this point or are you just observing ? This is the part I don't understand .

So any crisis I've ever been in , I mean , the easiest thing is to just go to sleep , because it's the . You feel death coming over you , and so it's just . There is no fight really . But because I could hear , I was just confused , I didn't know what was really transpiring , and so there's two nurses to my left and I overhear them say is that for us ?

Is that for us ? It better be for her . And it's a siren of an ambulance . So there has been a call made , but they're like where are they ? Where are they Now ? This is the part I don't understand . I'm laying there and I can see the numbers on the monitor .

My blood pressure skyrockets to 150 , over a hundred and something , and for me , in crisis , that's what happens , and then it plummets .

Well , the ambulance and the paramedics that were sent to me were not made aware that I was unresponsive , and so by the time they got there , which was way later , I had already been given steroids and was not waking up .

So the nurses were starting to panic because they do not have the ability to intubate , but based on the numbers this is what I learned later in the hospital based on the numbers that they were seeing . Currently , I needed to be intubated at that moment so that they can breathe for me , to keep blood flow , the organs alive , until I can get to the hospital .

Right , that's the goal . I didn't know any of this while I'm experiencing it . That's the goal . I didn't know any of this while I'm experiencing it . So the nurses are all freaking out and I hear the nurse next to me on my right say get the defib . And I remember so vividly being terrified in that moment .

No , no , no , no , why I'm right here , I don't want to be shocked . I'm right here , why would you do that ? I'm right here , and so in my spirit , the only thing I knew to do was call out the name of Jesus , because I'd done it before . So in my spirit , I just was like no , no , no , jesus . I just was like no , no , in and out .

They realized then immediately we don't have the equipment to intubate her , and so the paramedic now became my consciousness , wow . And as he's wheeling me out to get me to the ambulance , he's very aware that he doesn't have the ability to save my life .

And I could feel it and I knew and I ached for him so badly because I thought to myself no , no , no , no . I just called to Jesus and it worked . So as he's getting me , I believe .

So as he's getting me , I believe , into the ambulance , I sense that he's sort of reaching or begging for something bigger than him that maybe he doesn't believe in , I can't be sure . But again he's doing this violent chest rub and he doesn't have the ability to intubate me and he's screaming at me to breathe and they're doing everything that they can .

He's screaming at the driver Go lights on , now , now . Now I feel the entire thing shaking and hear the sirens . I love it . And he's screaming at me . And now I hear him say I'm going to need the defib . And again , I'm just . What are you talking about ? I'm right here , I'm in my body . What are you talking about ? I'm right here , I'm in my body .

What are you talking about ? No , and all I wanted to do in that moment was . Tell him . All you have to do is scream out the name of Jesus . Just call out to Jesus , he'll get us there . It's fine , and I couldn't muster the strength to really say anything , but in my spirit I knew that that's what we needed .

And so somehow I'll never understand it , but somehow I managed to get up out of the stretcher and open my eyes and I pointed at him and I said Jesus and collapsed onto the stretcher , said Jesus and collapsed onto the stretcher . And I'll never forget his face and his eyes and the angst and the sweat pouring down his face .

We made eye contact in that moment and he said I'm not Jesus . And it was just this desperation to help him understand that if , if we could just use that name , we , it would get us there .

So this entire time he's screaming at me and , uh , you know , again I'm given breaths for the second time and then I can't be sure my mom says it was a completely overcast day that day .

I don't remember this , but what I I remember is somehow being transported to the hospital and a massive feeling of bright , warm light becoming over me , and I don't know at what point in my transition that happened , but it happened from .

You know , the ambulance where I got my second breath and was avoided a defib for the second time , and to where we got to the hospital . So then the third experience . That's absolutely insane , that I'll never understand , because the paramedics didn't get the right alert , neither did the hospital .

So we get there Paul is not there yet and we get there and I'm obviously passed out and the process of an adrenal crisis before you or after you lose consciousness , you know , or before . You can have psychosis , you can have seizures , you can go into shock . There are lots of things that happen .

You can go into shock , there are lots of things that happen . And at this point I was , my body was hanging on so barely that when he got me into the hallway I was strapped into the gurney at that point . But he had to put me in a hallway .

And the paramedic is racing down up and down the hallway looking for people to help me because he knows he does not have what he needs to save my life . He doesn't know what he's dealing with , knows nothing about Addison's , he thinks I might be a drug addict . At this point he has no idea .

He's freaking out and my body at this point is now starting to go into that psychosis shock transition where everything starts to shake . I'm seething and at this point I did sink in my brain Again I can , I can hear everything . So I still had no awareness that I was not breathing . Even them adjusting my airway . I knew that was fully a thing .

I still had no idea . Okay , so I'm laying there and I think I started to panic because the last thing I remember wanting is Paul . I wanted to see him and that sort of psychosis sets in and I'm panicking , starting to shake and wrestle with those straps and in my brain , because I had no cortisol left , I thought I was being assaulted .

Hi , introducing , you know , past trauma right . So now I don't know if I'm sure your listeners believe in angels . I have always believed in angels . To this day . I you know , I'm not sure what to make of this person other than an angel . I'm laying there , starting to fight .

The paramedic is freaking out , running up and down trying to find a staff member to help me , and this young student , medical student , appears at the foot of my bed in the hallway and he immediately stops the paramedic in his tracks . He says stop , stop , stop . He's like you don't understand . This is an Addison crisis . You only hear about this in textbooks .

Watch this . She's about to use every bit of cortisol she has and that's the last bit she has . So then I start screaming to let me out because I think I'm being assaulted , my brain is not functioning right , I'm going into shock this guy the paramedic thinks I'm going to hurt him . So this student says no , no , no , no , no , unhook her now .

She needs that cortisol . So he literally showed up at that moment to coach this paramedic in the interim , until the doctors could get to me . I had that little bit of cortisol left , by the grace of God , because wait for it .

That was the moment that I heard for the third time I was going to be defibbed because they still did not have what they needed to intubate me and I was not breathing . They're screaming at me to breathe . So this whole time I'm confused , hearing everything , seeing everything , receiving everything .

There was this sort of um , I guess you would say agitation maybe , and so that's why the chaplain was there all the time was because I was really struggling with suddenly being back in this world and somehow my , my body and my heart and my consciousness knew that , but , like on a on a surface mind level , I was not processing any of it whatsoever .

You know , um , and still , you know , to this day , I'm like , will I ever be able to fully understand ? But I all I know is that all three times that I heard I was going to be defibbed in my spirit . I called out the name of Jesus and felt a and like I couldn't leave my body , and then I gasped for air .

And later in the hospital , I learned from one of my nurses that came to visit me because he knew I was there , told him the story , told him my experience and he was the one that let me know . No , based on what was happening , had they had the equipment , that's what would have happened .

You would have been intubated right then and there , to save you know , your organs and all of that in you know , to get you to the hospital . So obviously , like I had only known of out of body experience , above your body , but to say that you know , I could see the numbers , I could hear everything , you know , I could feel it .

I just can never make sense of it other than , well , it was me crying out three separate times to Jesus that and then breath came and I was not defect . How do you explain that ?

Was there any uh point where you felt like , well , maybe I will just cross over , or you know , and you were kind of going in and out of that , it sounds like you were like maybe I'm crossing over , but no , I don't want to , I want to stay . Do you feel like you were making a choice on any level to come back ?

And she has been one of my longtime nurses and she said she had heard situations like that where maybe the person really wasn't ready to let go and in the moment I genuinely had absolutely no concept that I was in that much danger , felt nothing but confusion as to why they were screaming at me to breathe . Why are you going to defib me ?

Why are we even talking about that ? I'm right here .

I had absolute no concept of of being separate from my body , because I could hear and I did not know that that's the last thing to go , that's the last sense to go , Uh , and so there , there wasn't this resistance , it was more of just confusion , Like why would you defib me if I'm I'm right in front of you ?

a total confusion that , that that I started to put the pieces together and maybe realize , based on what medical professionals in the hospital said and what the chaplain you know had said , that maybe this is something that actually does happen .

You can fully body and be , just as , because I've heard of stories where people have left their body and seen their body and been confused , right right , it doesn't .

Changed everything everything changed everything , because that's all you need to know is you have one experience and you had gone through plenty of crashes and situations and whatnot . It was not like you hadn't been through intense things , yeah .

But the fact that you then the next day were reborn into experience completely tell tells everything that this was a a , this was a passage through , yeah yeah , and what an honor to be given that gift , right ?

I have an entire list of media contacts from my publisher that I've refused to interact with . I have put my book in a literal box in storage and figuratively to avoid all of the things .

And here we are in this moment and I'm finally ready to share what happened , because I know it's real and I I know that the place that he's brought me through in the last 11 months is the change . Right , it's not . It started with the experience , but the real change is that the only thing I desire now is to surrender to his will .

And before , even though I had that relationship and thought I was doing it for all the right reasons , meaning career and all the things every part of my life I was one foot in and one foot out , and so really , that's just lukewarm , and that's what I was , and he had to strip me of everything that I put my identity in .

He could show me where my identity actually is , and the pain of the dark night of the soul is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone . To this day , I'm still believing for miracles , for healing , but I know that , because of January 4th , I never have to question again should I live today or not ?

That is the most precise and beautiful description of surrender that I could imagine , and I want to connect with you in this as someone who's learning from your experience , and I actually called in you as a teacher , so I'm glad everyone else is benefiting from this episode .

But I asked for this , you know , and I got to tell you the speed with which those angels work is amazing to me . Um , so the the experience that I shared with you our first meeting , and that was like six years ago , yeah , um , that day I was having a horrible migraine headache . Um , it's .

It comes with a lot of other stuff , but but the gist gist of it is it's , it's a headache that once I feel that head pain , it's like a huge stone gets tied to my mind and my body and just goes down , and then it sort of takes all of my emotional wellbeing with it and it sort of just sinks me for , for however long , and I was telling you that day

what I was feeling in that and you were sharing your experience and and that day , like I said , it inspired me because I was like , wow , you know , living with chronic pain of any type and being a parent or not being a parent , but then you're a parent , it adds a whole other aspect to things . This woman is , is a teacher for me .

This woman is an example for me , and every time I would get that pain and that sickness over those years , I would connect with you . I would be sort of on the soul plane , be inspired and taught by you , because I'd be like , right now , you know what's she going through , right ?

The other component I want to ask you about is is the being a mother , because I remember going through this , this , this type of pain , before motherhood and it felt one kind of way really bad , but one kind of way as a mother , you know , looking at the face of your child , seeing how they're affected by your pain , seeing how they're affected by their fear

of what you're going through or whether they're going to have you or not , because you know kids don't know whether it's life-threatening or not . They just know , you're , it's facing that , that , um , magnification of of the pain , of the suffering .

You know , it's no longer just mine , it's now all of us , all of us together , and the way spirit is has designed us in connection to , for pain to be , to facilitate , connection for us to share , you know it in connection and to and for that to help us .

But the way our minds , no , you have to protect them from it or you're alone in it or look at what you're doing to them , you know , and all these horrible stories of self-judgment for going through the pain and for being a human who is being messy in this way or whatever it is being a problem in this way or whatever it is . Your thoughts on all that ?

So becoming a mother , you know the most intense and , I would argue , the hardest job you could ever be given , but the most , and that is what my parents always instilled in me and I know , if I was fortunate enough and blessed enough to become a mother , you know that I would try , no matter what , to carry that thought process through .

And I just know that I always wanted to be a living example to my daughter of what was possible if you have faith , versus telling her what was possible if you have faith , because faith without works is dead . Unfortunately for me , I was still very unaware of a lot of the wounds that I had collected in my dance life .

I was still very unaware of a lot of the wounds that I had collected in my dance life . I was still processing a lot , still learning a lot about myself , obviously navigating , becoming a mom and all of those things that come with it .

So she has always been my biggest motivation and my purpose , you know for , for continuing to kind of drive that career car , if you will , or that train , and so , again , I thought I was doing it for the right reasons , to be that example , you know .

But the flip side to that coin is that you can actually drive that train straight into a brick wall If you don't have the tools to recognize that . As you're driving it , uh , you're still healing and you're now inflicting pain on everyone around you because there's wounds you're not even aware of Right . So I just always had to dig deep into faith .

I've had an incredible support system with my parents and my husband . I have not done this alone . There have been many amazing moms , such as you , dear mom friends that have you know , showed up and showed out for us , and so I've been supported through it . But , to be honest with you , the only reason that I'm still here obviously credit where it's due .

I have to give glory to God , but if I was not given that role of being a mother , I would have been out of here a long time ago . And it's not because all of the other people in my life are not important , it's not because , as he jumps up on me again . It's , you know , it's not because it's personal to any anyone in your life .

But see , to sit here and say that I've experienced that pain now , that deep , deep , deep , dark night of the soul , pain that you truly feel . There is no escape .

Unless you end it right , you're left in that kind of heartbreak , in that state , in that pain , indefinitely for a misunderstanding , which is what happened to me and my social media posts that were a cry for help that I didn't know were a cry for help at that time , right . But some of my life recognized the very last post I made .

That would have been my last post had she not reached out to me and said what's going on ? I have a lot of survivor's guilt about that because it happened to be the same morning I woke up the next morning happened to be the same morning that the world learned of the sudden and untimely passing of someone in the dance world due to suicide .

So I've had survivor's guilt every day . Wow , and I want people to understand . I feel like I've gone in a completely different direction , but I'm just trying to be led . Perfect . Yes , I need people to know that suicide prevention is not you being responsible for someone else's mental health .

It's not avoiding a phone call from somebody that you love , that you know is struggling , because you're like , oh , I don't want that pressure . What if I'm the last person ? I can't save them ? You don't need to save them , you just need to be kind .

You just need to be kind , kindness , the unconditional love of my mentor reaching out to me through a DM , when I had a bottle of pills in my hand because I couldn't take the pain anymore . And that was the moment , the only moment in my whole life I've ever felt that way .

And the heartbreak was so sudden and so blindsiding that the entire 30 years I wrote about in my book just blew up in my face in that moment and I just couldn't take the pain anymore , didn't take the pain anymore . But God said no , someone is listening . I see you , I hear you , I see your cry for help , even if you don't .

And I'm going to have this person reach out to you and I'm going to use this person in this moment to be kind , to extend kindness and your job and your job , because this is something that all of us divine , feminine collective have been moving into and it's so hard .

Like I'm going to get a handle on this , I'm going to manage this to recognize , like you , like you are , oh , it is not for me to control all of that damage that was done to me . It's for me to surrender all of that damage and let spirit do what spirit's doing with it , and then the miracles happen . But for me , it's , it's spirit going .

Hey , india , what is it going to take for you to not try to take all that is painful , all that is sad , all that's heavy , and put it outside yourself , because I would try to say well , that's not , that doesn't have to be in me , that could be over here and then I can do this , that my own version of control with it .

I'll control it , it in a relationship , I'll control it and , and you know , by leaving this by , by moving away from that , I'm controlling it . And the spirit was like well , what are you going to do with the one that's right inside of you , hurting you right now ? Yeah , and I'm like I can't , I can't get away from it , I can't , I can't control it .

It was like bingo . That's what you can ask Dre about .

But I realized , because of January 4th and then this year , that the whole point all along was for me to survive it all and sorry , Arch to the very end of it , so that I could truly be taken through to that place to be there for others coming after me and hopefully , even more importantly , prevent that emotional wounding , right , but God forbid , if somebody

is in that place , to hold space for them and to share compassion and love and to spread awareness from a deep place of understanding of pain and surviving it .

It was like I had to carry death within me before life could come in . I had to get up close with death before I could trust myself to hold life . And it sounds like you had to walk through death in order to say oh , no , I actually do want to be alive .

You know , it's embracing motherhood and being a wife and being so grateful for just another day that I get to wake up . You know , like I'm not on home health now , I'm outpatient . That's a victory . So it's just , you know . And I want to say also , when you talked about like , how can I possibly ask her about my pain when she's carrying this ?

I beg you to share your pain with me , because every person in my life feels the same way .

We are not immune to suffering , so there is no comparison . All of our pain is real and valid and we need each other , and connection is Cannot compare pain .

And and the other thing I want to add about just the gifts and the miracles is what I get amazed by is going wow , this is all really really miraculous and this is just the prelude to whatever those children we've been talking about are going to be living and stepping into and creating . Just the prelude . It's like whoa their miracles are are .

I can already tell it's going to be mind-blowing and this will just be . You know what sort of their foundation their family and we also , like you said , want to model that it's okay to be in pain , it's okay to be human .

I'm not going to hide mine so that you don't have to hide yours , because if we were hiding our pain from our children or from the people we work with , they would be learning oh , I'm supposed to hide it . Yeah , supposed to hide it . Well , dre , thank you . This has been .

I knew it was going to be amazing , because anytime the guidance is involved , it is , but I could not have fathomed all the and I'm probably going to be integrating and absorbing all the energy of this for a while . Same those who have been listening , who would like to reach out to you . Where can they find you ?

But in general I'm doing a lot of advocacy right now on social media . That's kind of the best way to stay up to date . And certainly the book . I hope anybody that is curious about Addison's or my journey will look into it . So I just appreciate you so much .

And um , on the flip side , I think the more important message is for everyone else that maybe doesn't quite understand that pain and wants to rationalize it in the way that their brain can comprehend . Right , we're all human . It's normal to judge , but I really encourage people not to judge and to do the opposite and to just extend kindness to people .

So , obviously , if you're struggling , reach out . Do not be ashamed . There's never any shame in being in that place . It's very real and that hotline is available . But I just ask people to open the door , that's it .