GLD 541 - A Match Sent From Heaven

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Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the.

Great Love Debate. It's a great loved bab.

Hi again everyone, It's Brian HOWI.

Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one Dating in a Relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcast for the People. I'm at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. Not to play favorites, it might be my favorite and it is the full Scott's Dazzle this time of year here, So I'm happy to be here. And I'm bringing somebody in here who has not been on this podcast in years,

She is.

What is it?

She turns we to he.

He to we, we, transforming me to we.

She transferred me to She will match make you to death, maybe even literally.

The Lovely Julie Furman, how are you.

I'm so happy to be here. Brian Howie and one of your biggest fans.

Good.

Yeah, there should be some fans left after all this time. We were talking a little bit that I brought up on a podcast that drop before this one about whether dating was harder or easier, where you believe that it is harder now?

Why dating is harder now because we're more insulated and isolated in our little bubbles, and we're really good at avoiding each other and hiding from each other and running when it gets the tiniest little bit uncomfortable.

Yeah, there's enough stimuli without dealing with other people that we can get that makes us not want to fight through the ick.

Yeah, nervousness.

It's we're so used to solving problems instantly, you know. Oh gosh, i'm a little tired. Let's just have a jolt of caffeine. Oh gosh, I'm a little bored. Let's, you know, watch our new thing on TV or Brian Howie's latest podcast. We want the instant fixes, and that when it comes to love and human beings, the issues that are there, we don't have instant fixes unless we get really good at just okay, shut up, be still, open up my heart and listen.

Yeah, you have been in the dating business for not to age you or date you too much thirty plus years.

Thirty are going on thirty four years.

And I will tell you know me well enough to know this is true. I have a love hate relationship with the business of dating.

Well, I know when you put the business and what do you hate about the business quote unquote, and now everything is sort of a bit. You could say that a restaurant is in the business of dating, if florist is in the business of dating a chocolate maker.

Yeah, it's when the interaction happens, the transaction, when the client and I was the client fourteen hundred and fifty bucks I spent to meet, hopefully somebody to keep. When there's that transaction and your expectation is that you're going to find love, and you're paying money for the hope to find love, it is nasty because I can't fulfill that expectation. If you paid me ten thousand dollars, which is what I charge minimum fee for personal matchmaking, you

Err?

Yeah, why you need me?

Well? You know I I The first.

Thing I do is have a quick conversation with you over the phone and find out, Okay, is he batshit crazy? Because I'm pretty good fifty thousand interviews in thirty four years, I can pick it out. Then we're gonna do a three hundred dollars consultation. We're gonna look at real life people together, and I'm gonna watch your face and I'm gonna see if you're batshit crazy or not? Do you only go for the hotties? Do you only go for the women who I know are a train wreck?

And if so?

Am I taking you on as a matchmaking client?

I'm not that stupid.

What can you promise them for ten thousand dollars? You can't promise them they're gonna fall in love, right what do you promise them?

Opportunity?

Like I just took on a brand new client right now, it's not an easy client. She's and I'm one of the few matchmakers who will take on a female client. But for every twenty who think they want to hire me, I maybe will bring on one. They got to beg me and I got to look them in the eye and say, you know, I can't promise relationship, right, I can't even promise second dates. But I won't take anybody on that I don't feel like I can do a

They're real life people.

If I don't feel like I can do it, I'll see You know what, Brian, save your money, Let's work on your flirting skills. Let's do everything else first.

Give you the skills that you can possibly be your own matchmak.

That's my boot camp for like three thousand dollars, which you know, you do the boot camp and you're earning your way toward the ten thousand dollars. But most people, I will say, don't spend the extra because you're not.

How do you do that?

Because there has to be some no pun tough love for these people. You have to break down how they got to this point where they need some help, and you said you can't tell them their batshit crazy?

What words do you use? Challenging, difficult?

If you were in my hot seat right now and you were paying me two hundred and ninety five dollars for an hour, which is an hour year time, two hours of my time, because first I ran the search that took me half an hour. Afterwards, I'm going to write you that email that tells you what you should do given what I discovered. So I would say, because I know you and you're my friend, I would say, here's the deal, Brian. The women you're going for are spot on. The kind of woman you're interested in is

And this is my right.

What's it going to take for a guy to have you be in his life? It's really looking like fifteen thousand a month? I mean, I just I have a lot of expenses and if he wants me to be free to jump on a plane and go to the south of France with him, my horses need to be fed and I'm not going to be training the way I normally do, so he's going to have to compensate me.

And you can't say no. I mean because a lot of the women, so you're trying to match them up with women, and who you think a lot of those are professional women. A lot of those women have can't just and a lot of men. They want a wife, and they want a travel companion. The older you get, the more somebody's life and somebody's freedom don't necessarily match up.

Well that's it.

There are three things that I've determined that breed narcissistic tendencies. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm not going to call somebody a narcissist, but I do see some narcissistic tendencies, and they tend to be hovering around extreme beauty, extreme wealth power, like we see it among politicians.

So for some.

Reason they think their shit doesn't stink because they have this money or they have the looks, and it's they're not They're they're so rarely good catches, you know, so rarely good at relationship, and if they ever are, they are the unicorn. And I see unicorns. The woman we almost had, I almost I tried to get you to have dinner with us last night with this woman, she is a unicorn.

Lives right here in Scottsdale.

Scottsdale's tough Scottsdale. I don't know how old this woman is that you had dinner with.

But she's younger than you, darling.

Okay, but I mean, but is she younger than the guys want? That's a problem if she's in her forties here or fifties. A lot of guys here in their forties, fifties, sixties, They believe they should and can go younger because it is that certain parts of.

The country are different.

You can be sixty five and go out with a thirty five year old, twenty five year old in Scottsdale.

It's not going to raise well eyebr go out with.

But if you're really looking for a keeper, if you're looking for companionship, if you look at somebody to enjoy life together, a woman who is that much younger is going to be consistently unsatisfying.

Oh yeah, and you're going to be unsatisfying to her if you're suddenly too old for her. She's going to wake up one day and you're just an old man. Like the gap can't be that big. And I tell these people all the time, you brought up the women why don't you take on? Why is it different if a woman comes you and say, I want you to match you with the great guys, why is it done?

I love my new female client. She is amazing. She and I will be friends forever, and I had to really trust her in order to take her on. Because there's a reason why I'm not comfortable taking more than ten thousand dollars from a matchmaking client. I am the only one as reasonable as that. But I like short term programs. Either we hit the nail on the head we have a great relationship, or you know, it was three four months we tried. We met a bunch of

Timing is right.

I get his photos updated, I get his profile updated. A lot of you know, we're get on the phone another thirty minute call together, and he's like, did you reach out to me because you've got a particular person you want me to meet?

And I'm like, yeah, I did. Do I get to see your profile? Yeah? You do.

I'm gonna send it over now, and I send it over and I'm on the edge of my chair because what am I hoping for?

You're hoping that?

What that He's going to give me a yes?

Well, isn't the guy if she's attractive, isn't he probably going to give you a yes?

No? I mean if she's good looking.

But one guy is good looking like my husband. He likes little blonde spinners. Okay, little little blonde, cute, little peppy golden retriever is, and a golden retriever is my spirit animal. So right, he loves my type. Now, a beautiful, long, skinny Asian woman walks in glamorous that's not his type. If Kardashian Curves walks in the door, not his type.

He's not going for her.

Well, as I always say, and you've heard me say this before, if you're over thirty and you're still single, you have no type.

That's right, your type out for you.

So it's what they think they like, have you tried the Asian dish?

You know? Have you tried this? They don't know.

But so back to the question of the women. Why is it harder for you to take on a woman than a man. If the woman has the means to pay.

You, Oh my god.

If she has the means to pay me, she's really scary because she has. If she has the means to pay me, then she's used to getting what she wants, when she wants, how she wants it. And here's some honest to god statistics I'm working on now. Have thirty seven thousand registrations in my personal matchmaking community over his last twenty years. For everyone, yes I get from a Brian Howie, I will get six to seven of these responses, Oh Jeel.

Thanks for thinking of me. She looks Great's not my cup of tea?

Who else you got? Okay? But that's the job, that's what they're paying ten.

It costs.

It takes me at least three times as much time to serve a woman as it does.

Because they're almost they're more likely to reject.

Well, here's the deal, as my sisters.

As a woman, we only have a shot with a guy who thinks we're hot, and it's true.

Right, it's true. So hot is hard.

Well, what's not hot to you could be perfectly acceptable to another guy. You guys are on a spectrum. If I determine that you're like a guy. There's a guy named Corey, worst client I ever took on in my entire life, and I'm I am so I can sniff it out anytime I'm working with a guy who has gotten to the point where his visual requirements have basically made her a thing. Like if a guy uses the what word, Oh, I'm not attracted to that, you need

This both give men credit and this but is also a bad thing about men.

A very wealthy, powerful.

Successful woman will take Oh, let's just say Oprah, A man isn't necessarily going to go for her just because of that. She still has to be attractive, So that's both Oh, he still has to be attracted to.

Her and like her.

The women the other way around, the money and the job and the power can make him attractive. That is a challenge because that, for a lot of women is so frustrating that they're like, if.

She's beautiful and she's got money, forget it, just forget it. Who she should be dating is a really talented chef.

She wants to creative, she wants a musician.

Well, the musicians.

You know, my very first wedding when I started my own matchmaking company is a musician and this beautiful, wonderful woman and they had a baby, and the baby's driving now in college and it's just so beautiful. But I have other than this one guy, Chuck is his name. I haven't had a lot of success with musicians, and I haven't had with gentlemen musicians, and I haven't had a lot of success with gentlemen actors.

Actors a little different. Actors. You're trying to be somebody else for a living.

So here's the real problem. The reason why we've got all this, like the wealthier the community someplace like Scottsdale, someplace like Boca, someplace like Beverly Hills. A big part of the reason why these wealthy men think they need a beautiful woman. That's the same reason a woman wants a wealthy guy so they can say, oh, well, my boyfriend has his place and Aspen my girlfriend, yeah has You know, she's twenty years younger and she loves me for who I am, right, yeah.

Right, yeah, no, I agree. I wanted to the relationship side of this.

I got to take a quick break because we got to pay for ten thousand dollars matchmakers around here.

I'm here with Julie Furman, she's.

The host of Cupid's Coach, and we will be back right after this.

And we are back.

So somebody comes to you and you know, they're in their forties, fifties, whatever. They've had failed relationships obviously, just like everybody has. How do you determine You might be able to determine how they are on a date. You might be able to determine, you know, what they look like, what they do. How do you go backwards and say, how are you as a husband, boyfriend?

How are you in a relationship? How do you determine that?

I love this.

It's the reason why I do my boot camp, because we dig into it in the second week of boot camp. It's the excavation it's the deep dive into the history. So there are a bunch of workshops and if you're in my boot camp, by the way, I will give you a free participant. You sit into my boot camp anytime you want. It's virtual. I would love to have you in class. What we do is it's nine modules that are video modules. My son Kevin recorded it edit

The deep dive.

So I get this chance to say to you, Okay, Brian, what's on your sheet about finances? What have you been happy to pay for in a relationship? What have you been unhappy to pay for?

But does that.

Yeah, and I think that matters and money matters whatever, But do you say because a lot of people don't know the answer because they've thought about it. They're like, why did you get divorced? Well, my wife was a bitch. They're always going to pass the blame. Why didn't this work? I just not having the right person yet, Like you have to go in and say what are you like three months in, nine months in what were you like

Here's why I'm still right.

Yes, here's why I'm so excited to be doing this work after so many years. I will only work with somebody who's growth oriented. If they don't pass my test in that first hour long zoom consultation and show me that they're interested in learning, I.

Don't want to work with them.

I got a line of people looking to get into my boot camp, looking to book me for an hour. I'm not They have to beg me to take them on for matchmaking.

So if they say, like, I don't know, I've just been an asshole, You're okay with that.

Sure, as long as they know, Oh absolutely.

And the other thing is, you know, I want to know all the bad stuff that happened in your relationships and you're going to write it down, and I want to know what was that person's part in it, and Brian, come on, let's be honest, what was your part in it?

Yeah? No, I've done I can go backwards and do it all now. I'm very evolved.

Man, I don't know but right, but I don't know if a lot of people because I do this and I have these conversations a guy who's like, I've been buried in my career.

I have two ex wives. I haven't had it.

Here's my money, find somebody there to get them to do that, which I get that you have to do that because you can't grew over some girl that you match him up with he turns out to be a psycho.

You know, I'm ry or whatever.

I am a really good police cup in my community, and if anybody messes up, that's it. I just put somebody on inactive status because I wanted to give her a free introduction. Half of the introductions I do in my world are called Mitzvah matches, and they're absolutely for free.

Anybody who missbehaved.

If I misbehave, that's it.

Well, this girl accepted a mitzvah match.

I go to the guy.

He's done that consultation with me. He's not the guy who's going to pay ten thousand dollars, and I wouldn't want him to. He's not in that place financially, and he's not that hungry to want to spend that kind of money, but he would love a relationship. So I go to him, Hey, what do you think about I'm going to call her Carol. What do you think about Carol? Carol looks great. I would love to meet her. Actually, I gave him like five or six people to really

Now.

I know Carol's a little bit out of his league, okay, because he didn't go for Janet, who I think would be spot on. But Carol's a little bit hotter, right, So he goes for her. I go to Carol. I say, Carol has timing for an introduction. She says, timing's great. Julie, who you're thinking about and I said, well, first, let's make sure your profile's up to date. Do you have any updated photos. It's been maybe a year since we've seen each other. She could have chopped her hair off, whatever.

To meet you.

Peter looks great, love to meet him. Okay, good, it's a Mitzvah match. I send them both the cell phone numbers, and in that Mitzvah email, it says, don't screw it up, don't screw it up. I don't care who calls who. I don't care who because I don't set up all the details for the mitzva matches. If you paid me ten grand, I am nailing down the restaurant. And I don't share last names, and I don't share I don't want you to go each other.

I don't share age, all that stuff. I set it all up, but miss don't share age. I do not share age.

And they don't. Do you use your judgment on how old is too old or how young is too young.

I already know because you filled out your profile and you've told me, okay, Julie, I'm fifty five.

I'm open to meeting women from nineteen to twenty six.

Okay, will you shut that down or will you say that's too hard? What will you say?

No? If you fill out your profile and you're fifty five and you say you don't want to meet anybody over the age of forty.

I want to have two more kids. What if they say that.

Oh, that's totally cool, Brian, I'm not the matchmaker for you. You need to call the guy over at Model Quality Introductions, right because those girls, I hope you're going to have lots of extra dollars to spend, you know, to keep this woman around and all this so stupid.

I'm real, I get that.

But there's a lot of women in their twenties who want to have the kids and they can't get the guys in their thirties and forties to focus or settle down because those guys have too many possibilities.

They might have to go for the guy who's fifty.

Five and I will that's great. So does he know that he's marrying his next divorce?

A probably because a lot of the guys who are fifty five, they don't.

I brought this up on a podcast recently.

A lot of people who were divorced and at that age they've given up on the idea of happily ever after. They look at life in ten year compartments. Can I have ten years two kids? It's fine, I write or check at the end, yes, right, maybe they're okay.

I have no problem with any of that, as long as we're open and up upfront about it. So if the guy wants a woman much younger, so by the time you're in that consultation with me, you've already told me what your age preferences are. So in this case, I said, all right, I'll see if Carol wants to meet you, and he said yes, and she said yes. I shared the phone numbers, and the very next day he writes me and he says.

Well, that was fast.

That was the quickest relationship I ever had. She's too busy to even meet me.

Well, I get I get why the older guys want the younger girls because it's easy for them to feel confident again. But you're also going to feel old. You're also like remember this song, Yeah, my dad used to like that song. Like, nothing's going to make you feel worse than that.

You know, we have to be honest about the status thing. You know, when a guy walks into the gala and he's got Susie with him, Barbie, he's got Carol whatever, and she's beautiful and all the heads are turning, and he gets to be the guy with that.

Okay, I think you can find that. And she's forty two. I do.

But wait, if you're fifty five and she's forty two.

I think she can look awesome.

If you're fifty five and she's twenty three and somebody makes a mistake of it's not worth the risk of that's your daughter, and it's not with the risk of her friends saying referring to you by your age, like you're still going to that, you're still going.

Out that fifty five year old. I would never want to be that guy.

That's right.

I love that we're talking about this, all right. So you're fifty five and you said something about a forty two year old. Does that seem like kind of like a nice age spread for you, for.

Me or for me or for people. I think I'm a guy. I think that's the same.

I believe in the old adage the half the age plus seven is the match.

All right, very good.

So if this woman who's forty two, has it all going on? Yes, why would she make the compromise and be with a fifty five year old man.

I don't think she thinks. I think emotionally we're in the same place that those two. I don't think those two are far off at all. I don't the forty two year old with the forty five year old man. He still wants kids and she's going to feel old. That's the challenge of the women in their early forties who are dating guys in their forties, is there's a good chance that they're like, I either want a second family or I want a first family, and you can't have that. I tell women who are.

Forty two that they have to go for the guys in their fifties.

They do, yeah, if they well, like, I always want to know the kid thing the very beginning, the first thing.

Who wants babies? Who doesn't?

Who's a maybe on that? And one of the things that really bugs me is when a guy I will say maybe, but he really doesn't. He just wants to access a woman who's still.

Of course, because she doesn't want to rule her out. I don't blame that, but the hardest age to date for these women is the who wants to date around the same age are the women in their late thirties

That's right. She has to do it.

And if she's really got everything going on, she doesn't need to make that compromise. If she has her own resources, she doesn't need to make that compromise.

So I see these women having their own.

Children, Yeah, it's it's a God bless them, such a mess. Or she has the I'm saying, I'm talking about the forty three year old with the young with a four year old at home and a six year.

Old at home.

Oh, forget it.

It's hard.

I can't take that woman on. How difficult you brought up the guys who want something out of her league. You think men have been ruined by Adam Sandler movies, that somehow we see this goofy guy dressing badly and he could still get the beautiful girl. Like you can't tell the guy not to shoot his shot. If there are these out they they're you know, so they're saying there's a chance they want to chase the outlier.

How do you tell a guy she's out of your league?

Well, it's real simple.

We're on the zoom call together and you're looking at Barbie and you're like, Julie, this is the perfect woman. This is exactly the kind of woman I've been looking for. And I'll say, I get it. I don't blame you at all. Can I show you who she said yes to last week? M And I'm gonna show you the brad Pitt that she said yes too.

But he doesn't.

He's like, she just needs a shot to meet me because men now, men think he's when she meets me, right, they just want the audition, they want the interview, they want the shot, and that's what they're looking for And that's the complaint that the men have now, regardless of if they're on bumble or if they're going through matchacer is the women will not give them a shot.

Well.

And it's sometimes the matchmaker is in a position because she has enough inventory. I shouldn't call human beings inventory, but we are when we're commodities like that, the matchmaker has enough possibilities that she can get you that first date.

But that woman isn't just going to have a first date with you.

All the guys want to date that girl, and so she's going to be on the gravy train of nice dinners and she's meeting all these.

Great people and she's having such a good time.

Or you know, it's the young guy and who's forty five, who's got all these choices having such a good time. Why, like my mother said, why buy the cow and the milk is free? Why commit and be in a relationship which is really hard when you could keep dating?

Do you and don't befriended out there any of my little fellow listeners. I am very sympathetic to the plight of the short guy. I was one of you in high school. Do you charge more for shorter men because some matchmakers, do you.

Know, I look at it this way. I like to measure something called romantic market value.

Okay, I mean stand on your wallet.

Well, like you know, if a guy, if a guy's not that good looking, or he might be short, or he might be do we'd be looking for whatever. But he has a really fun personality. That's what we call the Adam Sandler effect.

Okay.

So, and a woman has.

The ability to develop attraction over time far better than a guy does. It is the biggest distinction between men and women and how we date.

So correct, So how can you tell the guy she's out of your league?

Here's what I'll say. Okay, So here's the thing, Brian. The three women you were really excited to meet, they're very popular, they have a lot of opportunities. I can probably get you the first date. I can't promise the second date. My recommendation to you is going to be sure meet Barbie, Carol and Susie.

Absolutely.

Meanwhile, do I have your confidence and trust? I want to see what happens if, in addition to these three, if you met your second tier, which is this person, this person, this person. I want to know how you feel after each date, and I want to know what that feedback is on you. Do you want to know the feedback if it's not so great? Do you have the guts?

Do you try and judge how funny they are?

Well, that's part of romantic market value. Yeah, if a guy's got a great fun personality and these upbeat as opposed to being you know, honest to god, I really really struggle with people who are awkward socially. People on this spectrum. I try really, really really hard. I love helping people out. The people in my boot camp, they're working on.

Their social skills. That guy is a better bet than hey, baby, how you do it right?

Who's too over confident? Now?

A lot of guys who who are very successful and very driven, they didn't work on their social skills because either they got married really young, check it off, I have a wife, I'm going to get back to work, or they seven und of dates or they hadn't is your job to give them to try and identify are they capable of having another layer to their personality? Or you're like, this is what I have to deal with and I work around.

Oh man, all somebody has to do to get into the sweet spot of my heart is show me that they're interested in learning, that they're willing to stretch, that they're willing to Like my boot camp is all about, let's do everything else first. Let's not hire the matchmakers. Let's put the matchmakers out of business. Let's put the high end division of my company out of business, because I would so much rather do introductions for freeze way less pressure.

Yeah, and I'm going to be able.

To say to you, this is the post date feedback, and you're going to say, well, how come I didn't get the second date? Well?

I think I know, Brian, But do.

They say I was nervous, it was weird? Can I get another shot? And can you talk her into that?

Sometimes?

But what's more powerful is if you really wanted a second date with Susie and she kind of gave you. Maybe she got on the phone she said, you know, I thought about it, Brian. I don't think there's enough you know stuff here. So I'm going to release you to your dating mission with you know, but we're going to stay friendly. I want people to stay friendly. But if you say, Julie, how come I to get the second date?

I think I know what it is. Well, what is it?

Do you really want to know? Because it's it might be hard to hear, and then you're gonna if you ask me the second do they want to know? You have to ask me the second time. And if you say I really want to know, it might be hard for you to hear. I don't want you to be mad at me and go on Yelp and write me a bad review or something. But here's what it is. I'm going to make you wait for it. I'm going to say, well, she said you kind of reminded her.

Of her father.

I know that's right now. They have her contact information at this point, right, Yeah, So they're like, do you come out the bad guy?

Like Julie said you said this? Like, how how much is the confidence where you were?

Like?

Do you ask her? Can I tell him? Why?

Well? I have to have to judge in on a case by case basis.

If my client ever went back to Susie and said, I can't believe you told the matchmaker that I reminded you of her father, right, that would be the end of my relationship with that man.

Do you have to tell him that?

I would say that's unacceptable. I might give him a second chance, or I might say we're done.

Now do you say that up front? You can't say anything to her or we're done. I'm going to tell you in confidence.

I say from the very my welcome guide is ten pages long. After you and I do our two hundred and ninety five dollars consultation, and you think you want to be my matchmaking client, I'll say, well that could be. Here's all I'm going to do. I'm going to send you my welcome Guide, which evolves. I change it every I updated every quarter. And this is an evolving kind of a system. And you got to be happy with

How do you avoid them calling American Express and say she didn't give me what I paid for.

I will not take a credit card for a matchmaking program because people get emotional. Right of a guy from Hello, Kuwait who paid for his twenty five thousand dollars program on his black American Express card, I worked my ass off. I only wanted Asian women. We did fifteen introductions and at the end of it, at the end of the six month time, after fifteen introductions, he did a charge back on his card.

And you know what, and a black card, they don't even question it. They want his business, not yours here, and.

I am the I am the business owner. I had to pay that five percent on the way in to the black American Express card, and then after we did the charge back, I had to pay it again. So for the privilege of working my ass off for this guy for six months, I had to pay for two five percent of twenty five thousand dollars. That's why I don't charge more than ten thousand dollars, Thank you very much.

If it's less than.

Ten thousand dollars in the state of California, we would handle it in small claims. Court, and I am detailed and meticulous.

They don't want to go a small claims court over that.

So that's why I don't have problems with clients. I tell most of them don't even think about hiring a matchmaker.

How do you avoid?

And your husband's in the other room. So I don't mind even asking this, and I would ask anybody is how do you avoid your personal taste?

Not been? Like? I like that guy?

Like, how do you put yourself a position like that guy's interesting to me? How do you get your personal taste out of it and decide what the most majority of women would do? See I think that would be a challenge for him, Like I think she's pretty and people are yeah, weird taste or whatever, and I can hook you up with whatever. How do you let that? I think this is a good guy because he makes me laugh.

Oh yeah, well, because that's the that's where the art of matchmaking really is. Because the first thing I got to do is get under your skin and find getting your head and quickly in a matter of an hour, maybe an hour and a half, because there's a half hour for free, there's emails text in between. I'm getting to know you and I got to trust that my assessment of who you are is accurate enough that I won't fuck it up and take on the wrong client.

For the mat Yeah.

So it's accurate enough that most women would give this, maybe not marry him, but they'll give him an opportunity to find out.

Well, all I'm looking for is to be a good match maker to you. I just want to know that the kind of women that you think you should be dating are going to be interested in you. That's what I call a natural match. I won't take on a client who's looking for an unnatural match. An unnatural say, simple, you're looking for the girl who's not looking for.

You back, looking for us back. That's why it's hard. Well, they're never looking for us back. That's the that's the sporting.

Maybe because you're looking in the.

Wrong maybe, but I think that's what makes it special. I think that's fine that they're not looking for us back. You need to overcome that they're not looking for us back.

It's a part of my mission in the coaching that I do. The reason why I called my company from the very beginning Cupid's Coach is because that little guy with the bow and arrow, he screws up all the time and usually points the arrow in the wrong fiction. So my I'm so excited to do this work for so many years is that I want to help people make the right choices. So the reason I won't reveal

And I get that.

But there's a lot of guys, because I know a lot of matchmakers, and they'll put stuff on social media or whatever, and either the guy or the girl is looking for somebody who went to a specific college or they went to Ivy League college, and I'm like, who cares, what if they went to Stanford that's not on Ivy League college And they're like, our job is to give him what he wants. I think your job is to talk him out of what he wants, because he isn't no, it's laziness out of him.

He wants to be he wants to be partnered with somebody who's going to make him look good. Because when he says, well, this is my girlfriend and she went to Harvard and she.

Well, then that's an insecure man and you're screwing her. But you're screwing her over to set him up with a guy.

Like that, I'm not making that match right.

Guy who needs the woman to make him feel good. I think that's a dangerous to match him up in the way A way you guys are.

A woman who needs a wealthy man so she looks good. She needs a tall man so she looks good in her stupid shoes standing.

There at your stupid shoes. The that's the thing too.

That's the these women who are five ten and they wear the heels and they want a guy six to two. I go the six to two guy wants to feel tall, so he's not going out with you. That's the point of being six to two, so you feel tall. He's not going out of your five ten on your heels. He's going to choose five two.

So here's what I love. This is what I love about a four month program. During the second half of the program, I get a chance to really make an impact because we've already done a bunch of introductions with women that were the it girls in your esteem and you had a good time, she had a nice guy,

Do you ask how old the kids are?

It's very important.

In my new sees that matters, right, Oh my gosh, in my new system, I just made decisions about how I'm going to handle that.

I'm going to have the.

Birth year of the children so that it advances over time, like's it's hard to talk.

About with regard to techno years.

So it goes so you're not just like, well, once you start in the program, she hat twelve year old and you have to go fick lace.

So five years from now, the twelve year old is seventeen. And there's all of that. And also I'm going to have a really powerful mechanism where I'm going to be able to match men who want children with women who have.

Frozen their eggs or with guy.

I'm going to be asking men, are you open to fertility you know, creative fertility solutions, which means maybe the woman has eggs on eyes.

Me, most men are not well because here's why, and get people get out. I say that most men understand those odds better than most peomen Right, it's just bad, right.

It makes it hard for the way the women are.

Like, it's all cool, I froze my eggs, risky to the guy.

I know, I know, but at least I'm going to be able to have the information right because very often what will happen is the guy's fifty two he wants to have a family, he didn't get to do it. Or maybe he had a child with a woman who was a whack job and you never got to have like the family. Why because he picked the girl who looked like stupid Barbie. But you know that's beside the point.

Where Barbie's taking a beating of them.

Barbie's taking a beating. But what happens is.

He check his sperm too, by the way, Yeah, a lot of times they blame the woman, Yeah, exactly.

So then I go to him and I say, look, I could take you on if you're fifty two and you want children, if you're open to dating the woman who's already had a child would love to have another, or and or if you're open to meeting the woman who would love to have a kid and has her eggs on ice. There's no guarantee because I can't tell you how many men, Brian I have who have always been holding out for the woman who's young enough to

I've got a guy.

He's seventy five years old. He's a judge, Okay, he's this Jewish guy. He's never been married, and every five years I check into him. I got a great woman who's ten years younger than you.

She'd love to meet.

You, but oh no, no, I'm waiting for that woman who wants to have kids. And finally I said to him, I've known you for twenty years and still you're waiting for the woman. She can't have children, and she's just crazy. I should match him with the woman who came to me. And she's just gorgeous, one of the most incredibly beautiful women I've ever met in my life. I'm sitting at her incredibly beautiful home in Beverly Hills. I don't know

You can't have children already, and she's forty five, that's right.

And you say, I don't care where the money came from, you better ask, Well, I think it matters.

So I'm just but she's just living in a dream.

Well, a lot of women do that. They're thirty and they hold out. You know our friend, you know Lori gottlieb.

Oh, yeah, she wrote this is in her book.

Okay, she wrote the Mary Him book, and she's like, these women wait for exactly perfect at thirty.

And they wait and they wait and wait in the forty one.

And that's right.

It's not great.

So here's the cool thing about our weird world that we're living in. Nobody says people have to be partnered up anymore. Nobody says who says you have to be married? Who says you have to be How do you feel when women say, well, gush, you know, how come you've ever been married?

So what neither is half of the other?

No, I would see that would be a red flag answer. I would say, and I've said this on this podcast. For why I've never been married, it's because I never trusted my parents' love for each other, which means that I did not trust their love for me, which means I didn't trust the concept, and so I walled myself off and led this emotionally unavailable world. Owning that is a better answer than trying to be like, h, it's not that big a deal. I don't need a piece

Want to plug and sell your services to the world. You've been on the show before.

I'm not gonna play worst date or first date with you because you've been you've been married a long long time. But I want you to tell this audience how you met your husband.

I was.

Let's set the stage. It was an Ethiopian restaurant. I was sitting by myself, crying over my beer, looking at the personal ads. I was twenty nine point nine years old, with half of one overy left. Okay, dad had died. I'm working for the Ritz Carlton Hotel company. I've got the worst boss and the whole world, working ninety hours

That's what I'll lose.

You say, kids, you used to have to do personal ads. Yeah.

So I'm crying in my beer and I'm thinking, I can't do personal ads here.

What the hell?

I'm working ninety hours a week. How am I going to get this handled? I want to have children. I want to be married more than anybody I know. I see ads for dating services. I thought, okay, rip the page out, ran home. Called all three agencies. Two of them were blind date matchmaking companies. I'm like, I've had enough surprises with personal ads. I don't think I need any more surprises. Let's at least go to the one

A gill Lead. Now, a gill Lead.

Was a sophisticated person that was going to be maybe a tough clothes So he was just only interested in my money. So he talks me into joining, maxed out both of my credit cards, and I later flirted with him and asked him out and dragged him down the aisle. That's how it happened.

So he dated, he ate where he don't eat, where you were sleep, whatever.

The phrases he did. He scraped the good one off the top. No, I grabbed him, Now you grabbed.

I grabbed him because I knocked on the door after I'd got my photos and videos done and I finally started getting able to access to the library, started kicking people and it was slim pickens Brian.

And here we are thirty plus years later.

Yeah, so I flirted with him, and then you basically got in the business. Yeah, so I worked for him. I got pregnant. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to have kids, got pregnant, Gil and I got engaged in five weeks, married in five months, pregnant two months later. That boy is thirty two. And then the other one came along two years later. So I worked for Gil through two big pregnancies. They just threw me in with all the girls who wanted marriage and babies.

They said, well, it worked for me.

And then he sold his companies and I started mine twenty something years ago in La Now.

Thirty thousands of happy couples.

Later here yet thirteen hundred we know about. And no we've had divorces, but no murders that were aware of.

Well, the day's not over all, right, Tell everybody where they can find you, Julie Furman.

It's free, it's private. Men and women of all ages are welcome. And if you if you live in southern California or if you live in New Mexico, those are my two hubs, then I will as long as I still have the bandwidth to keep doing this, I will give you your first thirty minute call for free. You just got to fill your profile out and I'll do it, and then you can do a consultation with me for

But first you got to earn your place in my heart.

There you go, tell peop about your podcast, the.

Cupids Coach Podcast, produced by Brian Howie. I am so happy I do my podcast. It's that was my favorite thing and now the boot camp.

I don't know which is my favorite.

Yeah, no, I do.

I produce you know, hundreds of other podcasts. Besides that, you were one of the first. You're one of my favorites, and you're one of the most popular. I give you credit for that. It's one of the top podcasts, especially in this ecosystem, in the world.

You were awesome as far as us.

Like, share, follow, Please review not this, but not just this podcast, but Cupids Coach Podcast. After all this time, your reviews still mean a lot, not just to me but in the podcasting universe. Uh shoot us an email, Great Love Debate at gmail dot com if you have questions, thoughts, comments for me, for Julie, for anybody else. Do that because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love.

To see you next time. The Great Love Debate, it's the Great Love Debate, a.

Great love debate. It's a great love debate.