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Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate.
The Great Love Debate, It's a great love to be Hi.
Get everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great Love Debate, the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am here outside the studios of Pod Popular. I am in the one in Boga Raton, Florida. And because this time of year is so nice in Boca Raton, Florida, I wanted to sit outside and have a conversation on a nice sunny day, which gives you a relaxed feel, because we're gonna get into some things that may or
may not be so relaxing. And when I asked my guest to be on my podcast, she kind of wanted to know what we were talking about. And I made the comment like I make with all my guests, like if we were going to brunch your dinner, you wouldn't say what are we going to talk about? Or maybe you would. I don't know what we were going to get into. Is a is a subject matter that we have touched on on this podcast before. It is about a very specific time in someone's life when they have
to date. So if you're not quite to that time, this is sort of the ghost of dating future. And if you're past that time, you're gonna be like, oh, yeah, that was rough for me. And if you're in that time, you might want to take some notes on this. It is about what it is like, particularly as a woman to date in your fifties. So I am not an expert on dating as a woman in your fifties, but I brought in somebody who knows a lot more about
this than just about anybody I know. She is the host of the very very popular fifties af podcast, The Lovely Nicole Channis. How are you?
I'm great, Thank you for having me.
So you heard me kind of bring that up. I think that, for a variety of reasons, dating in your fifties is the toughest. So let me go big picture first. Assuming you're in your fifties.
Fifty five and damn proud of it.
So if you dated in your tea means, and you dad in your twenties and January thirties to date forties, you you are at least stuck your toe in the waters of five different decades of dating all have their own feel forties not forties. All have their own feel all have their own challenges, all have their own pluses, All have their own sort of body of information. Now, with wisdom, we should improve just about in any aspect
of life. I'm not sure that dating necessarily gets better when we get to certain in terms of our skill set, in terms of how good we are at it. How do you look at if you just had to sum up dating in your fifties in one sentence, how would you describe that?
Well, everybody's journey is different, Bryan, to be honest with you, so I'm kind of digging it.
Well, if you're digging it, you're going to do well. That is a good thing.
No, I'm digging it.
But when I say that, I had to have a journey before I was digging it, And you know, part of that starts out. Look, Look, if you're single in your fifties, it's either your widow or your.
Divorce worst right, or you never married or you never married.
Okay, all have their own stories.
Absolutely, which comes baggage and also a ton of information knowledge.
But you kind of you have to be able to evolve continuously.
And so I had to go on my own journey to become my own strong individual before I was going to be out in a dating world and like be at all successful. If I want to use that word, you know it doesn't happen overnight.
You have to define what success means. Success dating in your twenties means a little bit different in your thirty fourth. Everything is about where I think there are three unique challenges for a woman when you are dating in your fifties, and some of the best women I know are in their fifties. Women in their fifties look better than they have ever looked in the history of mankind. They look great. The three unique challenges, and you can either agree with them,
disagree with them, or whatever it is. From my perspective of talking to a lot of women in their fifties, if you want how to date somebody your age, those guys still have a large pool of thirties and forties to chase around if they want to. If you want to date older than your age, the women in their fifties have way more energy than the men in their sixties. The men in their sixties and seventies tend to poop out.
The third, and I think the biggest challenges for the women in their fifties is there is no group of women or men that is more set in their ways than women in their fifties. I know what I like, I know what I want, I know what I deserve. I don't need a man. That mindset at any age is going to make it a challenge that is uniquely ingrained. It's easier to change a man who's fifty eight than it is to change a woman who's fifty eight. Yeah, she's a lot more like. I know what I deserve,
which is good. I know what I want, I know what I don't want to and there's these very hard and fast rules lists things that make the possibilities I think a bit narrowed.
Okay, I mean, you know I talk about this obviously. This is what my podcast is is about the shit show dating in your fifties. And I think women today in their fifties is way different than ten twenty years ago if you were single. And I think women in their fifties struggle with dating for various.
Reasons, hormonal reasons.
Our body has changed, which makes our you know, we don't feel confident sometimes, and you're dealing with a lot of times when you're dating in your fifties.
Just what you said.
If you were a woman in your fifties and you do want to date in your fifties, good luck, because the guys in the fifties do you want the thirty forty year old? Right, very very true. And for me though, you know, I like to date older. So mine is dating in their sixties, and I have not run across guys that.
Okay, they want to go to bed at eight o'clock, a lot of them, especially where we are, They want to golf, they want to poop out. Trust me, I don't want to go out till I'm not my sixties, but I don't want to go out to two o'clock in the morning anymore. The women tend to have a second wind that a lot of the men don't have. Deep into their fifties. A lot of women have more energy.
A lot of women do feel better about themselves physically. Again, they go through hormonal they go through life changes, but they're able to put a face out there that he doesn't necessarily have. And a lot of times the man is looking to date younger because dating younger makes him feel confident again in a way that dating somebody whose own age, she can buy her own shit, she's been on a trip like this, she's eating dinner at this restaurant.
For she's a little harder to impress, and so that is a little bit harder of a wall for the man to break down, and the men are always trying to find a crack in the wall.
Well, I think so, and I think I talk a lot about, you know, empowering women being empowered in their fifties.
So you have like two sides of the fence, correct.
You have the insecure women in their fifties like I'm just done, I'm over it, I don't want to date. And when I talk to them, I'm like, well, have you ever thought about changing what you're doing? Or do you feel like the same hamster wheel is going to lead to success? Do you think a guy's just going to fall in your lap? So you have to be a little proactive. I mean, you can't just be laid back and be like, well I haven't met the right guy.
And I think then the other flip side is you have very alpha fifty year old women and men sometimes don't know what to.
Do with that.
Right.
They've ramped up their masculine energy, they've ramped up their independence. They ramped up a well, I got rid of a guy. I'm out here on my own. Oh but I want to go in a romantic setting and he is not feeling that. And a lot of the women of age in their fifties they're like, I shouldn't have to quote unquote train a guy. I shouldn't have to tell him what to do. And I'm like, you absolutely should train a guy. He wants to be trained. He can be trained.
He needs to be trained in what you want, like, because every woman is different. Some women, and I agree, in their fifties still want to be picked up, still want to be called up, asked out, picked up their house. That's the way they dated back in the twenties. They don't have twenty years of oh my god, everybody's crazy, they're gonna kill me. They want that. Some women are like, you got to be kidding me. Everybody's a psycho or whatever.
Telling the man this is what I feel like. I don't use the word deserve, but if they say this is what I want, this is what I need, this is what makes me feel good, and this is how you can find a space in my world, the guy will jump up, however high he's got to jump up to get the cheese. If that is set in a positive in fashion, A lot of women are just like he could tell you can't tell no.
So I will say one of the things I define is, you know, really important a relationship is communication. If you're a guy and you're a woman, women, you think he's going to reach your mind? No, I mean like you do have to say, hey, this is my love language, this is what I need now. It doesn't mean he's going to be able to do it, but I do think you need to be bendable. I don't like the word training. I like the word bendable more and evolving the way I look at it.
And I do.
Find that men in their sixties are very set in their ways. I gotta be honest, I don't know about training now. Well, he dressed the way you might want to maybe, but.
I think he will. I think if you if, however you want him to dress, it's not just how I want him to dress for the world to see him. And you let him know if you dress this way, I want to rip your clothes off. He'll put it on a clown suit.
Nope, guess what they will have a lot of them.
Well I think that. Then then it's about the information because if you ask one hundred men, are they open to that? And they're like, it depends on what I'm getting out of it. And yeah, if you're just saying I want you to wear this with no context and know anything, they will change because they will change for the right women's situation.
And like it was an issue and it was like a long term dating and he's just found it incredibly offensive, Like, why aren't you accepted me the way I am.
I'm not talking about long term, I'm talking about early on, because what the women tend to do is this, They're okay with it a certain way. You're out there, you know, wearing your Dan Marino jersey to dinner or whatever, and then once you feel comfortable enough in the relationship, then you decide to make the change. And he's like, she's crazy, she changed suddenly. She wanted me to be something that
I'm not. If it's early on, saying even you know, first couple days, you would look amazing in a blue suit because you have amazing eyes and it would really come out put on the blue suit.
I like it.
That is the trae. That is nuancing because once you do it three months in, then it says I don't like this about you. It's what needs to be different about you. When you do it early on, it's wow, that would turn me on.
So I definitely, well, I subscribe to something that you don't, which is predating, which we can get into at any time. But I believe, well, what is it pre dating? To me, it's very simple. If you're meeting people like on social app for example Facebook dating app, usually you start off with a little texting, not texting, like chatting, whatever it is, and then you move on to a little texting and I will not go on a date until I've done a FaceTime And I wonder why. And this is men
and women. They're both in the wrong about this. I don't know the percentage. Maybe you do. How many have fake old pictures and they lie about their age and it's so annoying because like people, we could see the picture posts from twenty nineteen.
That is so you don't really need the conversation, you just need some verification this is what they look like.
I want to know for real that they are putting forth because if you start a relationship on a lie.
Where's it going to go from there?
What if it's not a lie? What if it's just a picture that doesn't quite make them look? What if? What if she just doesn't have a picture from the waist down? What if she just doesn't or hate What if you just don't have that in one of your pictures. I don't think face time is gonna help that either.
No, no, but I will tell you.
You know, I just had a conversation with somebody last night who's my age, but dating with a ten year old so different. She definitely has some different obstacles and most of us, and part of what we were talking about, she's like, I just wanted to meet a guy that I'm hot for.
I want to jump and run away. And I'm like, what turns me on is not.
Just the physical that at this age, at this time, with my experience, there's so much more than you could actually find chemistry past the first day. Sometimes it's a mental connection.
I agree. Or you're nervous, but you know you're also not tired chasing around a ten year old. Maybe she just wants to get her bones jumped. You know, she might have different needs. But when you if you're saying that I really just need some verification and validation of
what this person looks like physically, that's fine. If you're saying I need to have a conversation with them, and it feels to me like a in an interview, I think that that doesn't tell you anything about that person other than they may or may not be good at FaceTime.
Well I'll tell you one time. Mm hmm.
So like this one guy that seems really good and we do FaceTime and he had like them also doing needs all kind of I'm like done, not happening, Like I just you know what, everything was good leading up.
To that, and I get it, I know. But then you're letting one red flag or one thing you don't like get in the way of the possibilities that if you met and maybe in real life he doesn't sound that way, or maybe he has so many other attributes that you would forget about that. I think you you really don't know if you're going to click with somebody
until you are face to face. So I think you're you might be ruling in some people, but I think if you do that, you're ruling out a lot of people that if you met them, maybe they're not good on the phone because we don't talk on the phone as much. It's a skill, it's a muscle. I can't I don't want to talk on the phone anybody.
But again, so like I'll be dating somebody now and you know what, he's honest.
I'm not a good communicator. I don't like talking on the phone. Not a good text. Just be honest so people don't take it the wrong way.
I'd be like I have an android. I don't even have face time.
Sorry, no, though, like I bet my own rules.
Don't misunderstand because if I get a good vibe and you know, maybe I met him out or all of a sudden, I don't need that. But but like I definitely want to know more than a just a high on a on a dating app and hey, can I take you off for drinks that we didn't.
Used to have a whole lot more to go on and we'd see somebody we were kind of drunk and it was loud in a bar and let's go out and then you went out.
Yeah, but that's chemistry got to lead. Now, it's not chemistry leading.
Any I don't know if it's chemistry, it's alcohol or it's wow, she's hot. You know, I've met a lot of people that I met in a bar and then I asked him out, and I was like, it's the same thing, Like, oh, that's not what I remember. Her pictures in my brain were different because of my alcohol or vice versa. I met a girl once at a Halloween party. I thought she was the hottest thing ever in her Cruel a Deville costume. And then I asked her out and then I picked her up, and I'm like,
where's the costume? She looked so much better in the costume that I was. That's not her fault. That was my weird thing. But I'm like a lot of people look better on Halloween. A lot of people's a little sexier and whatever. The makeup was better and a lot of people did. I was like, that's not her fault, that's just my weirdness. Like she was perfectly lovely and fine, but I was like, she doesn't look as good as she looked that night, right, that's not good either. Like,
I think we got to give everybody a shot. I think we got to work through the awkwardness and a lot of things to that end. Way too many people, especially as we get older. If we are not fee because we have had those magical dates and we've had those magical experiences, and if we're not feeling the way we know it is possible in the first fifteen minutes, we pull the parachute and we're out of there for just working through the ick till we can get to
that place. When you're twenty three, you know you're not dating that much anyway. You're going to barge're hook it up or whatever, and so you don't have this memory bank of what a good date should feel like. And so now when you're in your forties and fifties and sixties, you're like, I know what my best dates have felt like and this isn't that. That doesn't mean the relationship couldn't.
Se So do you know statistically what when men and women want in dating in their fifties, there is actually like, are three things Companionship?
Yes, is this from men or women? Is the same list?
Uh uh?
Sex?
That was not on the list.
I don't know, stimulation.
So it's love, companions, love you, and looking for somebody to go through the rest of their life on a journey. Those are the three things that people men and women Statistically, most look for in a partner after fifty because you've moved on to a different stage. If you've had kids, you're done, sir, you're an empty nester. And men upper fifties sixties, they're heading towards retirement if they're not.
So where's the room for magic in that equation? None of those three things sound terribly fireworky Oh, I agree with you. I think those probably are. I think the people who want that are like I don't believe in it anymore because a lot of people, once you get I've never been married, so the fantasy of happily ever after still exists for me.
Everybody define happily ever after them for.
You that there's that once we get married and we say I do, it's happily ever after. There's no end date, so you want to get married still, I still am open to the possibility of married because it hasn't been spoiled. To me. Its the bubble asm averse. The people who have gotten divorced or God forbid, widow or widower that didn't happen, so they're a lot less likely to jump into the fairy tale that they had in their mind
as people who've never been married. We all have that. Yeah, So anyway, we're gonna agree and disagree with a lot more things. I gotta take a quick break because we've got to pay for the fairy tale around here. I'm with the cole Channas. She's from fifties AF. We will be back right after this, and we are back forgive the the background noise. People. It's booming here in Florida. They're building things.
That's my unit.
There's also you gotta be careful here. This is like Jurassic Park. There's like all sorts of critters at best critters crawling around here. So how do you bring that back in your fifties? How do you tell your your friends or women to still believe in not necessarily the fairy tale, but magic.
Well, I think if first and foremost you have to work on yourself. You cannot fall in love until you love yourself, honestly, because most women in our fifties, if we're single, it is because for the predominantly we're either divorce or a widow. Yeah, So until you really can embrace and feel confident and love yourself, you're not gonna have a healthy dating life. So you have to do those steps. You can't avoid it, and that's that hamster wheel I talk about it.
You can't still be angry at your ex. Yes, yeah, so much of that.
I don't believe in holding onto anger, but yeah, yeah no, and it is part of like therapy, go for it right. And here's another thing. What women do make a mistake along the lines what you were saying is if they had a horrible breakup and they start meeting guy and he does one thing, one minuche.
Thing reminds me of my third husband, and it's like.
Come out of here because they haven't done the work to get over that. And so that person might have been really good for them, but because they it was a trigger that they haven't worked through the longer.
So what is the first step to do in the work, Like not everybody can want or feels comfortable doing to afford you know, threehun and fifty dollars hour therapy? Is there something that somebody can do? Is it asking yourself a bunch of questions as is saying what was my role in my relationship? Saying what is it?
Well?
You know, you know what I think is a really good thing women leaning on women.
I'm speaking in terms of women.
So like, there's this I'm plugging a great app called meetup.
And when I first.
Moved within Foca from west to east, I didn't know anybody. So I created my group by five hundred women for right now. So you know what, They're not all secure, but they get to talk about it. They get to learn from each other. Oh try this, try meditation, Let's go to the beach and do this. And together as a sisterhood, they sometimes are helped having each other build their way up and calling each other out.
Totally agree. There is such a value in being social again, and that can be around the people of the same sex, it can be people the opposite sective, be whatever. A lot of people once the relationship breaks up, whether it's a marriage or a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, they retreat into the solace and the solitariness of their home. I am going to binge Netflix every I don't want to go out on Friday night. It's going to remind me of this or whatever. And then days, weeks, months, years go by.
That becomes your new normal and you have forgotten how to interact with society, much less people of the opposite sex. It breaks down your confidence it breaks down your social skills, makes it so much harder, so much.
But I do think they're entitled to a morning let's call it. It's like a morning period for sure. And I know personally as a widow, after six months being in the bed, I just finally lift the covers and I said, you know what, Nicole, get your shit together or if you don't do it, no one else is going to do it.
And it was a to your journey for me.
I've noticed that you bring up the widow thing, and this is a big part of the Golden Bachelor. A lot of times the widow or widower is ready to date before the people are comfortable dating them. How do you let the people know that it is it's I'm okay to date. I'm not gonna I'm not to say this is a bad thing, burst into tears and everything, like how do you let possible suitors know, not that it's so far in your past you don't even think about it, but how do you create that balance?
That's a really good question, and I think honesty and communication and don't again, don't let the other whether there's a male or a female, assume because you know what I was lucky. My first boyfriend was so honest and understanding and on my journey. But definitely I have had people approach me like kid gloves and I'm way out already at this.
Point, I know, because you don't even know to bring it up, right.
Like it's like, you know, what if I bring it up, that's the golden door.
I've just said it. But again, I think you don't have to go to therapy. But like I just learned last night, I didn't do any of these like groups for widows or grieving stuff. I was like, I don't want to be more depressed. So somebody told me about a group that actually is just a bunch of widows, but it's uplifting and fun.
Now that's a fun group to be a part of.
Right, But honestly, like, I don't need to be sitting around and be reminded why I'm a widow and what I went through every day because I'm not healing.
You got to get out there, like you said, and socialized.
Learn how to be out there again, learn how to feel good about your body and your presence because a lot of women are in the menopause stage at that point, and that's really challenging.
So that's a really good point, and that's funny. That's the next thing I was gonna bring up. Obviously, I think and I've said, the women look better than ever, they have more ways to look better than ever. How do you get somebody who maybe she's just been raising your kids for twenty years, an unhappy relationship, to suddenly take the step of oh my god, I got to compete with that, Especially in a place like South Florida where people aren't wearing nearly as much clothing. You can't
hide behind your wear. How do you get her to find confidence when it's a muscle she hasn't used in twenty years.
I think using the tools that are out there. Like yet, like you said, not everybody can afford therapy and I got that for plastic surgery or plastive surgery, or they can't afford even to join a gym. Maybe you know, and again that menopause, you know that that adds the insecurity.
Of starting out there.
So I really think if women join in groups with like minded people, a they're gonna meet girlfriends, be they might meet a guy because they're doing things they're leading with what their interest is. So if people sometimes leave with their interests that chemistry and that bond and opportunity might happen.
I think you're trying to before you find a guy. I think you gotta find your smile again. Great, and you gotta find ways that we'll bring a smile back. That's going to change your soul and your spirit. You know, you're not even right away going to find the best version of yourself. You're trying to find the next version
of yourself. And if that's the baby step you need to take to feel just a little bit better, yeh, and have a little bit better approach and attitude and open it up to people around you so you're not just been like, oh my god, everybody sucks. Dating is going to be hard, this city's the wrong place for me, and on and on and on. You have no hope, no you.
And to answer your question, it's step by step, right. Any coach will tell you this. License It doesn't happen overnight. It's step by step. And I think you nailed it. Finding your smile. Let's face it, laughter is like the healthiest thing in life. Yeah, and you have to find your smile.
You do, and I think you have to start with finding it by leaving your house. Yes, you don't have to dive into the middle of a you know, Yankee stadium and be around fifty thousand people. But if you go for a walk and you see the stimuli and you start to notice things again, and like I say, people notice you, you notice you back, you become engaged
the answers. And that's why this was such a terrible thing for our society to lock ourselves down for a long long time and shut ourselves off from the world. You know, that created a lot of bad habits. I'm gonna have the food brought to me, I'm gonna have a shop, I'm gonna have Amazon delivered to me. I'm gonna binge hours and hours of shows on a weekend.
So I'm not gonna do it. Took us out of normal quote unquote patterns of interaction that led to certain habits, that led to certain possibilities, They could lead to certain relationships.
But also here's the thing, and I talk about this. Sometimes women in their fifties are looking present and forward, right, they lost who they were in their twenties, thirties and forties. They need to go back and go, Oh, I was hot, I had it together. I can get that mojo back they forgot at one point before they were married. Let's just say for years or into partnership, for years that
they were good and confident in data. And I think you need to take a step back and remember that part of you that was good like that and go, okay, I want to be like that again.
What can I do?
You're right, you don't need to remember the way you looked, but you need to remember the way you felt and figure out how did I get to that point? Because there's a good chance even on your wedding day wasn't the best you've ever looked, but you felt the best you've ever felt. And so you have to think, what were the things that I did to feel a certain way and to feel a certain way around me, and to enjoy somebody thinking I look great? Take the compliment?
Yeah, oh, take the couplet. You know what, that's not always easy for a woman sometimes.
I know, I don't know why give me the compliments? We don't get them. Why is it so hard for a woman to a compliment?
I don't know. I know with me, I get a little bashful.
I do even me, like if somebody says, oh, you're just like, oh, thanks, and the first thing we do, and I'll tell you why women have been are historically the hardest on each other.
Yes, okay, so it's.
Not the men.
So girl and girl cry like say, hey, what's going on there? You know, and you need to fix that? Or so like you feel insecure sometimes if this one person is like at a higher level and you're like, oh, I don't look like that, and you start getting insecure. So along comes somebody that compliments. You're like, in your mind, you're thinking that person who looked so good.
Yeah, I'm not like that.
So it's like, oh, it's just hard, especially if a woman is just coming out.
Of divorce or being a widow. They haven't had it.
Maybe you're right and women are so hard. I see. You know, certain celebrities will appear that you haven't seen in a while, and you see a bunch of commentary on social media like, oh my god, she looks like shit, Oh my god, what does she do to her lips? Oh my god. It's almost always women and gay men. It's almost never straight man. They're just like, I don't
get she looks fine, she looks the same. We don't notice it that sisterhood is not nearly as supportive as women think they are, because a lot of women are like, it's hard enough in my fifties. I don't want that bitch over there to get ahead of me. It's you know, life is competitive. Men are not exactly great with each other either, But a lot of times men tune the
other guys out. They don't really care. The women are always looking at the other they quote unute the competition at both sides of their eyes all of the time. It makes it a challenge when you do not feel supported.
And it is I mean, I'm definitely a person that you know is in a wallflower and you know when I go out with a bunch of women and it's like some will look at it as being intimidated by me. And someone will be like, Okay, what can I learn from Nicole and embrace my work?
And you shouldn't have to dial it back for their cause they need to keep up, they need they need to benefit from your energy. You're doing a lot of if you're out with six women, you're doing a lot of the heavy lifting. You're bringing the energy, you're stimulating, the dialogue, you're getting the attention makes your life easier.
I did that once. I had like a bunch of women at a happy hour. I drummed up at a famous pickup place here in Boca, and they're all huddled.
In a corner.
Yeah, I don't like a school day.
I go, there's guys all around this bart. What do you win? You know, it's hard for guys to walk up to a group.
Of women, right There are so many wine bars where eight women will sit around and talk about their ex husbands and not they don't feel them approachable. It's hard to crack that shell.
So my thing is I did in this particular day.
I took a few that were willing, and they were with me, and I just went and introduced, Hi, my name is Nicole, and this is so and so. And we went around that whole bar introducing, and I wound up actually organically meeting somebody. But they were like you could see them starting to smile, like they weren't just sitting in that corner, Like, why isn't anybody coming up to me? Well, you know what, that's the one of the first steps.
The other thing out there.
Women do need to dial back their girl packs. Though the number that you should go out in is Three. If you go out with you and your friend, he thinks she's not gonna leave her friend. That's gonna be too hard. Four then I'm diving to some pack and they have their own thing. Three you can get one and the two can the other two can get home together.
I don't know. Use the number one and I still get you.
Know that's different. But then your friend is left alone. That's not good for her. Well, I'm talking about two single girls going out. It's rough. I'm just looking from the guy's perspective. He's doing the calculation. He's always looking for a group of three. So that's your number day.
I didn't know that that's.
What you're looking at all Right. The best thing about being single in your fifties is what.
You don't have to answer to anyone.
That's a good I know that is true.
Like I literally like I just closed yesterday on a condo and I'm like so proud of that accomplishment. And I said, you know what, this is the first house that I don't have to do with kids of mine. This is the first house I don't have to do with a man, a husband in mine. This is all me, you doing it? Yeah, and that is so empowering, you know, very empowering.
And your best piece of advice to I'll just say attract possibilities is what if you're a woman looking to a interest from men, what is the one thing that you think they're all capable of doing?
Well?
I will tell you men want confidence. They love a woman with confidence. So that journey, whatever it is that you have to go on, whether it's therapy, meditation, meeting other women or support groups, whatever works for you to gain that confidence or remember who you used to be, because that's a lot of the hurdle is what it I used to be? How what is my definition? If I'm not mom and a wife or a wife or a partner. They lost themselves so they have to go
on a journey to find themselves again. And I think by doing that, men are really attracted. Look, I actually asked, this is a survey I did. Are men more attracted here in Bocas especially? Men can have some deep pockets?
Right?
So I said, you.
Know, are they more attracted to a confident woman that has their shit together or the wounded bird?
Yeah?
And you know the wounded bird, that's a lot of game. You want to know why, because she looks up to him like she's God.
Yeah, and the woman woundedbird is one step of a basket case. So Woundedberg's actually okay, yeah.
Yeah, No, it doesn't mean she's a bastcation means she's like she'll accept anything because she's clinging and wants anything. Where a woman that has a shit together that feels confident is you know, we're bendable, or we should be bendable. Everybody should be bendable. But you know, men find that attractive. Having confidence.
You need to figure out a way to sort of upgrade from hot mess to beautiful disaster. And that means that most of the shit is getting together. But whatever that shit is, I own it and I don't blame anybody for it. And if you want to be a part of it, bring it on.
Hey, And this doesn't you know, I want to clarify, especially with women. Women in their fifties are very caught up about their body image and how they feel and look. And you know what, men aren't necessarily just that's in their sixties. They get some se pass that they want the person.
Yeah, and you know what we're all not. We all have our flaws.
We think you look great. I'm gonna let you plug the podcast in a minute, but in the interest of time, this is your first time on the podcast. We play something called worst date or first date. So you either have to give us the worst date you've ever been on.
Wait, is it clean?
Or it could be whatever you want. It doesn't have to be clean, it's whatever you think is entertaining first. No, it can be the worst date you've ever been on or the greatest first date you've ever been on. Your choice.
Hmm, okay, the worst. I'm gonna go with worst. So we already had like one or two dates. You know this guy and he's like, hey, I was in California. If you're in California, go into Vegas is no big deal, okay. And he's like, hey, you want to come meet me in Vegas.
I'm like, sure, why not?
I had nothing else going on, and we were He was there with his car, so I was flying there and we're supposed to drive back. So we've already gotten to know his show. We were intimate kind of a few times, so it was.
More than a couple of times.
And we go out nightclub, have great time, time to go back to the room ready for getting our sexyon, and he has this bag that he literally of toys, freaking pulls out and like the next thing I know, He's pulling.
Out a full on strap on.
And I'm looking like, hey, I'm I'm an open soul all about fantasies.
But I was like, oh, hell no, look quick here.
Yeah, I dipped out. I took a plane home.
Oh not even the ride home. No, So you didn't predate that one. Well, that wouldn't come up. It didn't.
That's what I'm saying.
That wouldn't come up.
It didn't come We had already sleeping together.
He felt comfortable enough to let his freak fly and listen.
I'm an advocate onf podcasts and my bedroom confessionals. You gotta have your fantasies and fill them. It's one life, it's a movie, and your your own movie star.
Yeap, Just wasn't you weren't feeling it? You weren't feeling your room at the MGM Grand or whatever. My worst day of first days. Well, the listeners know I've talked about. You got to go back and listen to four hundred episodes. You'll find it. It's in there need only Haystack tell everybody where they can find you.
Well, thank you first of all for having me on fiftiesafpodcast dot com and we're on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts. But I do a little something with a little huzhu called Bedroom Confessionals, which you could find on my website.
And uh they get a little saucy just.
Like me, little saucy. Uh, thank you for doing this. Hope this wasn't too painful as far as US and fifties AF like, share, follow, Please review this podcast and that podcast. Your reviews, even after ten years of doing this, mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Shoot us an email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com if you've got question, comments, thoughts, or anything else. We have a listener letter episode coming up because as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love.
To see you next time, the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate.
The Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.