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The People, The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
It's a great loved bab Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcast for the People. I am at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is getting to be the full Scott's Dazzle season
out here. So if you got the time, head on out to the desert, and it is the time pretty soon where we are doing once again, probably are our two most popular episodes we do any year, Our Best and Worst Cities in America in which to Find Love.
I did the show. I did those shows.
Based on my own information from traveling around and visiting so many cities because of our tour, so I felt I really spent some time. I got a lot of input from people in the city. I did a lot of research, we got a lot of feedback from you guys. So before we came up with the top ten best or the top ten ten worst, I really immersed myself in the muck and I was able to do that because I was on the road doing so many shows in so many cities around the country and around the world.
As part of our tour.
We are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations, and nominations from you guys. So, if you feel the city you live in, or have moved from, or have visited is a candidate for either the best or the worst city in America to find love, shoot us an email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. Put in the subject line best city or worst city. We should be able to tell by what you're writing, but we will be surprised because some people send them like wait, is that a good thing?
Or is that a bad thing?
We will take all your nominees and we will get the lists out in the weeks of a heey.
We're always excited about do that.
To do that, we always get a ton of buzz. The media always picks it up and runs with it. Like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's the best, and it is. But I'm not going to influence you. I'm not going to influence the jury. So give me your candidates, your nominations, your submissions for the best or the worst cities to find love, and we will be rolling out that list shortly. I wanted to talk a little bit today about communication, which I know we always talk about
that on this podcast. We've said since since the day we started that the keys do everything when it comes to love, dating relationships are confidence and communication. And some of you are like, wait, you said a few weeks ago that the keys were passionate and curiosity. Yes, I stand by those, but in order to find those and get results from them, confidence and communication are what really drives the engine and what really needs to be worked on.
So confidence, the lack thereof, or building upon that, I think we've dealt with quite a bit this year. We've had specialists on to talk about mental health and physical fitness and emotional growth, all of that, and I think they're all great episodes and it's great information.
But the communication part, we all struggle with that.
And I am and have been one of the worst people you can possibly imagine when it comes to that, as a boss and as a boyfriend and as a member of society at communicating anything but mostly the right thing in the right way at the right time. I'm always surprised that I can pump out these episodes of this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often I have such trouble one on one. But that's a different
show for a different day. And people have said that to me that I probably communicate better on my that I do in real life. So if you want to have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me, listen to the show, come on the podcast, or shoot me an email about it, and I'm great. I think I'm great relatively now. On the basics, the please, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry, I love you, things all very important, extremely so.
But the layers of my.
Thoughts and the nuance of what I'm trying to express and the poetry between the lines that is often missing either in what I say.
Or how I say it or how we say it. So why do I bring this up today?
So somebody emailed me Tara from Arlington, Texas was the name, thank you Tara, a thingy, a picture with meme, a little picture of the words on it, and she said do you agree with this? And it said shutting down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing, and you're probably like, no shit, simple concept. Of course it's bad. But but I think why that resonated with me so much and why I wanted to talk about
it today is the word toxic. Because who would have thought not saying something adds toxicity, and toxicity in a relationship is such an important element and such a destructive one. So getting back to the shutting down part, that was my go to technique. I think that was the technique I used way, way, way too often. I was like, if they can see that I'm mad, then they will try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or
apologize for it, and then I will be right. So the shutting down and the going silent was about being right, which never should be the point in any conversation or any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple episodes ago I talked about the importance of being heard
and hearing the other person. But you can't do that if you weren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting off the communication beyond just having angry body language and scoals silent treatment. So that's what I want to talk about, how we do that, why we do it, and what we can do about all of it. So I got to take a quick break so our sponsors can communicate to you, and we will be right.
Back right after this and we are back.
So, as I have said ad infinitum on this show, I'm not giving you advice.
I'm giving you my opinion. And my opinion is just my own.
On what has or hasn't worked for me, but it is what we have heard over and over and over from so many people. And just by that very fact that we have done so many shows, live around the world and have heard from the largest pool of people on this stuff, then honestly, anybody ever, I think that this opinion is rooted in some things that you pretty much bank is accurate. Like I think I know what I'm talking about on this and some of these things
are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything, how are they to know? But knowing when matters too. I know there's two schools of thoughts on never go to bed mad, which I didn't know before I started doing the show, I'm like, oh, there's two schools of thought. I thought the old adage never go to bed mad was a real thing. But there are those who feel that you should work things out in a moment so
it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I see the point of that, and those who say, when you are tired and upset and emotional, maybe a good night's sleep is what you need most to calm and reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school of thought is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go
to bed mad. It's how you wake up, because it only has purpose and value if you get up the next morning and say, can we talk, And not in a way that it picks right back up at that angry point you left off at.
It's more like.
I've had some time to think and there are a few things that I want to share, to see if we can come together on this thing that has brought us apart. And I know it's not easy to say it like that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever, but that word share is in that sentence. Share to see if we can come together. Sharees a key to all of this communication. When done right and with a positive purpose. Communication is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions,
and yeah, emotions, share emotions. So shutting all those things down tells the other person, I do not care enough about you to try to get to the other side of this.
Issue.
Our conflict, our conflict, both of us disagreement, our breakdown. So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But if you get past that night's sleep and you're not speaking calmly, you can let a night turn into a day, turn into a week, turn into the end. So you have to at some point summon the strength and the words and the calmness to address the elephant in the room, because it is there. It's not going to go away.
You have to say something.
Can we talk? Those are some of the.
Scariest three words another person can hear because they're almost never followed by anything good. But if you, you know, softened it a little, or if you said something like, hey, I'd love an opportunity to hear each other out about what we were talking about last night or about what happened.
I think that's a little gentler and no matter how furious you are at the other person, if you care to talk and it means enough to you that you want to say something about it, you must care about something some elements of it and hopefully them and what you guys have. But this isn't just to use for
bad things, because it's not just about that. Sometimes silence comes from a place of positivity, but that can also bring in toxic elements like doubt and fear and resentment, because the silence is about what is not being said and what is not being heard.
So what do I mean by that?
Well, of course they know I appreciate them, do they We've been together seven years. Why would I be doing this with you if I didn't love you. You know, lots of people think the actions speak louder than the words, another old adage, and I'm like.
Well, not always.
Sometimes we absolutely need to say and hear the words, lots of words, because you know, communicating with positivity and with purpose, they need to hear it.
You need to say it, and you need to feel it, both of you. So somebody says, what do you want to do today?
That's a normal question that you know, two people ask, probably when they're in a relationship. Certainly a nice thing to ask, because it means you want to respect their wishes and their opinion on the subject matter what do you want to do today? But their answer is way more effective if the answer isn't I don't know, Maybe see a movie. I don't know, you want to get some food. I think the answer is way better if it's I don't care.
I just want to be with you. I mean, how many times have any of us heard that?
Not that many, right, But it's awesome if you do, because then the two of you together, through this question and this answer, you've established the desire to be together, to share time and moments, and whatever you are doing the act is secondary to the fact that you are doing it with them. Then you can get into the war what how Sometimes and hopefully you're just sitting next to somebody in a movie theater and you're just like, I love the fact that I'm just sitting here with them.
Can't even pay attention to the movie. I like the time we're spending together, or a meal that you're sharing. You don't even remember what you're eating or why this is it that matters? I want to do it with you, And isn't that great use of words and communication and something that will never come out of silence? They won't
you think they know? They don't know because you don't have to be extraordinarily eloquent or a master of language to express that by saying that the person is more important than the activity, saying it out loud, often, clearly, honestly, passionately. I can tell you that all the fancy dinner dinner menus in the world, they can't replace the effect that you that it will have on you and them and
the relationship. And when when you know a lot of people are going to counter when I bring this stuff up and say I shouldn't have to say it, they should know if they are paying attention. And to that, I say, what, like, what are they paying attention to? If people quote unquote knew what you were thinking and feeling in silence, probably seventy percent of our conflicts wouldn't even exist.
We never know, especially the guys.
A lot of times the women, even when they are communicating, they're communicating at a level that only dogs can hear.
So communicating in silence it's probably never going to be effective. We always need to hear it. We always need to say it, and I think it always has value and I don't want to hear that.
Well, if he says it every day, it becomes white noise and gets diluted and it has no value. I want him to say I love you when he really means it. Trust me, if he says it every day, he means it every day because he remembered.
To say it and he felt to say it and he thought to say it. Not a quick love you I hear a lot one.
I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love you before hanging up the phone and they leave out the eye.
It's always a red flag.
To me, Okay, I love you. I want to hear I love you. I want to hear the eye me totally means something and it totally matters. You should never get tired of hearing him say you are beautiful, and you should never get tired of her saying you're special or important, or there are grateful or happy, or that they matter, because if you don't say things, then they don't matter enough. That's what you not saying something really says.
And we all at the end of the day absolutely want to matter in the world to that person and in the relationship, because trust me, the easiest part of the relationship should be saying the basic things that support the most difficult conversations. It's a lot easier to have a conversation with your wife about refinancing the house or switching jobs, or figuring out what to do.
With your kid who's not doing well in school.
It's a lot easier to say all this, to have those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating the daily basics. I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm sorry I didn't see your perspective. Thank you for picking up the package for me. I love the way you looked last night. If we can't see those things, we're in big trouble.
But if we can say these things, and we make a point to do things and not only just remember to say it, but becomes a part of your routine, everything becomes easier and anything can be better.
So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's always a caveat to that.
Turning point. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should dial back one more. Fuck you, just dial that back, Just throw that one. Sometimes you're better off not sending that email or that text, or trying to get the next word because you want to be the last word,
like there is some value in that. Sometimes silence is golden, and there's an adage that has a purpose, and I get all of that, but that is for a moment, but after a breath, once you calm down, not for weeks and not forever, just until you take up a mental inventory for a second to think, does this person or this situation merit any ounce of my time or feelings to try to just not just work it out, but just work through it our differences, this situation, these issues.
I'm not sure I do enough of that in professional situations, not people who work with me or work for me, and certainly not on this podcast. Somebody came up to me, not just somebody. Her name is Nicole, and I should honor that, and I need to say that out loud. Nicole recently in person and said she has listened to the show for five years, and I was flattered. But there was this part of me embarrassed to hear that.
But no part of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful, And I probably didn't express that in the moment.
Well enough.
You know, I let like, oh what do I do with this information? Overwhelm the fact that I was extremely grateful And there are there are tens of thousands of podcasts that people could listen to, and there's millions of ways to get you guys, information and that you could get stimulized. So in somebody, any of you, and there's a lot of you, take the time and listen each week or most weeks, or even just a week or two out of the year.
Shame on you. Catch up.
I do need to communicate two words and two things, thank you, and keep listening, like share, follow, and review this podcast. Your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem and to me, so thank you very much. Shoot me an email Great Lovedebate at gmail dot com, not just to give me your submissions on the best and the worst, but also on your thoughts on how you communicate, why you communicate, and the value that you find in communicating, because.
As always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. See you next time.
The Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate, The Great Love Debate.
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