GLD 488 - Are You Really Still Doing That?

consider cheating in the podcasting world. I don't want cheat on you, guys, but I'm gonna tell you so. I had a I am very very late to record and drop. The window between the time I recorded a podcast and when I release it to you guys is very very short. I like to keep my podcasts fresh. I do not bank a bunch. I do not do them six months in advance. I do or I bang them out and you get them. And the deadline drop them generally is Tuesday, very very early in the morning. I am recording this

on a Monday. I had a couple of guests lined up, and at the last minute they flaked and I have to get it on airplane. I'm gonna cheat a little. As soon as they uh so they had to cancel, I'm like, oh my god, don't do that. And then I remember an episode I did about a year and a half GOAT that was entitled please don't do that, and I really liked it and I got a bunch of feedback on it, so I'm gonna run it again as sort of a rerun. This is an intro to

that rerun. And sorry if that seems like cheating, but a lot of guys didn't listen to that. A lot of you guys are new, so please forgive me if you've heard it before. If you have, If you haven't heard it before, take notes. If you have heard it before, good refresher for you. A whole bunch of things that I got submitted from you, weird questions, and I did a whole episode called please don't do that. Don't cancel on a podcast guests, because it really screws up the timing,

and that trickles down to you guys. So without further ado, we're gonna roll it back again. And I appreciate it, thank you, So I'm gonna hit you guys with a whole bunch of scenarios and questions and habits that a lot of people either have been asking about or that I have noticed that they're doing. And my answer is, oh my god, please don't do that. So the first one I got because I noticed it and somebody asked my opinion on it, which really doesn't have anything to

do with Great Love debate. They just socially ask my

opinion about the married people. And there are quite a few of you who listen to this show, and you are a couple who I'm going to rule out Grandma and grandpa who are eighty five years old, and they do this, But say you are under sixty five, and you do this if you're a couple who combines your email address or your social media accounts, so it's Dave Brenda New York, or it's you know, and Andy a Gmail, And it's to say, please don't do that, Oh my god,

please don't do that. Be people. Just because you got married, that shouldn't be your defining characteristic. You are not Siamese married. Can I is Siamese twins still an acceptable term? Is that offensive? Too? Conjoined? I think conjoined is the term sorry, any of our conjoined people out there who are listening, I'm sorry, but please don't do that. Be individual. People have your own thoughts and hobbies and habits and friends

and people you want to communicate with. I can't even imagine the practicality of something like that, like honey email, Oh that's for you, did you answer it? It's ridiculous, it's dumb. You're far more likely to break up if you do something like this. I do believe that. So you're gonna have to start a new one anyway. So start now, save time. Sarah and John together forever at Gmail. Don't be together, not like that. That's the one that you can easily control. Set up your own social media.

You're not an LLC, you know, under one umbrella, you could do your own thing. Set up your own emails, because if you don't get that an email that many emails, it is not a big deal. And if you get a ton of emails, it is a big deal that you're sharing it. It's ridiculous. Stop doing that. Please don't do that. The next thing, and I'm gonna give you is I'm watching the local news the other day, the morning news. I like the morning news. I like to

know what's happening in whatever community I'm in. I like it. I like to take the temperature of it. I like how they do the weather in the traffic. I like it. But anyway, I'm watching the local news and they had a story on Devin Booker, of the of the Phoenix Suns, the basketball player breaking up with Kendra Kylie Kendall is there, Kendrick Kardashian Jenner a jet one of one of Kim's sisters, Kim's younger sisters. I don't know if she's a Jener Kardashian.

Devin Booker was dating a Jenner Kardashian. I think it was Kendall. That's my final answer. Kendall. Sorry, Kim is top dog and then everybody else is everybody else. But anyway, the news people were reporting it as a news story, and I don't care how slow a news day. Your news story is. Devin Booker breaking up with whichever one of the Kim's sisters. That's not a news story. But that's not really my point. My point is if you were watching this and you had some sort of emotional

reaction to it, please don't do that. You should never care about any relationship other than the one you're in, and if you aren't in one, you should care even less about other people's. So when you look at celebrities marriages, or your friend's relationships, or things you see on social media, or even your siblings or your parents or your grandparents, I think you know you know what is good and bad or going on with them. You think you know, and you're like, I want to be like them and

root for them. Whether it's celebrities or even mom and dad. You don't have any idea what is going on. And I'm serious about that. People like you don't know. You don't know, you're not that close with your parents. Maybe I don't think you're as close with your parents as you think they are that you know the status of their relationship. Maybe Mom is secretly unhappy, she doesn't want to tell you necessarily, and she probably doesn't want to tell dad. Or maybe Dad has lost his feelings and

that's why he fishes all the time. So you should root for their happiness, but you should root for everybody's happiness. You should want everybody to be happy and find love. That's what we're doing here. We want everybody to be happy and everybody to find love. But if you're trying to be like, oh my god, that I love that couple so much. I love them together. I loved j Lo and Ben Affleck. That's what she's still on Benefleck, right, Ben Affleck, I love them together. That's insane to me.

Please don't do that. If you're someone who's spent one second, and there are a lot of you out there who spent far more than one second hoping that that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt will get back together, please don't do that. They don't do that. I don't think Jen Anniston sits around wondering if she's gonna get back together with Brad Pitt. He's like fifteen boyfriends ago and a marriage ago and twenty years ago. So if they don't do that, why do you do that? Don't do that.

Or you looked at pictures from your friend's vacation with her husband and think I want that. You don't even know what that is or who they are together. Please don't do that. Their business is not your business, and the reason for that is you truly have no idea about their business. So I have a little bit of idea about our business. I gotta take a quick break, because this is, after all, a business, even though I'm

passionate curious as a business. And we'll get into some more of these things that you should please not do right after this, and we are back and I'm running through a whole bunch of things, a grabag full of things that please don't do that. So we've done whole episodes on this before. But if you go up to an X, or not even an X, maybe it's someone who just stopped calling you back, whether they ghosted you

or not. You don't talk to them anymore when you see them at the supermarketer, you see them at a bar or a club, and you want to go up to and say, hey, why did you do that? Please don't do that. Don't do that. You won't get the answer you want. You're not Chris Hansen. These gotcha techniques, they are pointless with people who don't care about you, and they clearly don't care about you, certainly not now, probably not ever. If you do something because you're looking

for answers, please don't do that. You're not getting them, not in the way you want, not what you want. It's just more wasted time thinking wondering, worrying, missing, someone who doesn't think, wonder, worry or miss you. If you're someone who's online dating, opener a lot of people. I ask people all this time online dating, what do you open with? What do you reach out with? And if your first line is how is your day? My god, please don't do that. Don't do that in person, and

don't do that online. It is the laziest form of conversation. It does not show that you care. It shows that you don't care because you gave it no thought. Their answer won't matter because your question has already shown you were too boring to be dated in the first place. If that's what you're opening up with, small talk kills a friendship and it kills a potential relationship because you

started things on a dull note. So I'm not going to get back into all the things that we've told you that you need to say and that you should say. Go listen to all of the episodes if you want those. But that is something you should never say or ask, how is your day? Use your imagination. Even if you're really curious about how someone's day was because you knew they had a tough day, ask it in a better way, or honestly, just say hi, how are you doing. That's better.

It's not an assessment of their day, and you're asking somebody how is my day? I don't fucking know. It's two o'clock. It's not over. It's nails on a chalkboard. It's excruciating. Please don't do that. Do better. One of the oldest tenets we have around here at the GLD is to get rid of the words not my type. If you're over thirty and you're still single, you have no type. Your type is not working out for you. Please don't do that. Please stop saying or thinking I

need this, this, and this. You don't because you've probably had some version of this, this and this before and it didn't work out for you. Because if you're looking for this, this, and this, you're missing out on that. That and that and that is definitely better than this, because you even't had that yet you had this. You're still here, still here saying so and so is not my type? Too big, too small, tublonde to this, do that all of it, Get rid of these, don't do

that anymore. That is probably number one on the things people like, what piece of advice do you gotta give people. Get rid of the words not my type generally speaking. Also, just get rid of all your dumb rules when when when you will call them? When you think, oh, I'm gonna call them now now it's time for me to say I love you, And most importantly now is when

I think I will have sex with them. All these pre calculated formulaic equations that you've mapped out, if I do this, this and this, it's gonna make them do this, this and this. It's never going to be that. Ever, some woman emailed me the other day with I have a firm three month rule, no sex for three months of a new relationship. She meets somebody, she goes out of them. She want to have sex someone for three months,

which which is absurd and insane and inconsistent. Not the three months, but because I guarantee you she has never waited three months for sex. Ever, It's just an arbitrary line in the sand that she decided to draw up one day to see if it sort of magically changed things for her. Please don't do that, because what does three months mean? What if you saw somebody four times in three months, you still go by the three months I say that people in long distance relationships. So I go,

how long you've been dating? In like two years? And I'm like, when do you see each other like every other weekend? Unless you've seen each other like like forty times. So I'm not sure that's a relationship. Anybody can see anybody on weekends and holidays, that's easy. It's Tuesday morning when you gotta get up and go to work. That's a relationship anyway. So if you saw somebody four times in three months, I don't know. Is that three months? Well?

What if you saw somebody every single day for eleven weeks? You still need to wait that last week because of this random thing you decided three months was magically going to change the outcome of your relationships. No, And the sex thing comes up so much at our live shows, the aforementioned live shows, and I usually steer away from it. And it's not I steer ever him because it's lazy or I'm aprud or anything. It's just such a random hole to go down, no pun intended. People are so

nonsensical about it. So I'll just say this, if you are using sex as a referendum or a reward, please don't do that. Don't do that making him her wait. It doesn't mean you know them better. It doesn't mean they like you better. It doesn't mean they respect you more. It just means they waited a little longer for sex after a while. For a lot of especially dudes, it's ROI like, you know what, I've been eighteen times. I

guess I gotta wait eighteen times more. But eventually I'm I'm going to get that ROI I'm gonn get some return on this. It doesn't mean anything other than they just wait a little longer, and you're just as likely to break up the day after you had sex for the first time if you waited five years to do it as if you waited five hours to do it. It's

the same. You don't know them well enough to commit to them or to be in a quote unquote monogamous relationship with them until you've had sex, because the sex changes everything. Everything prior to the sex is just ping pong warm up. It's fine, it helps, there's some feelings involved, but ultimately it's irrelevant until you find out about the sex and how that changes things. People get crazy both ways.

It always changes things for him, for her, for you, so if you're playing games with it, please stop doing that. It's a dangerous game to play with yourself emotionally. You do it when you want to do it and when you're comfortable to do it, and has nothing to do with the other person and their feelings that they may or may not have for you. If you do it or don't do it, take ownership of it. If you're

playing games with it, you're gotta get hurt. You wait three months great doesn't make you any more likely to be his girlfriend or fiance or wife. It just means you simply didn't have sex with somebody for three months, and then when you do, the clock starts again on some other avenue of your relationship. That's really the extent of it. It's a footnote in the paragraph in the chapter in the book on that note. Run of these people. If you're constantly taking the temperature of your status or

how the other person feels, please don't do that. Am I your boyfriend? Do you see us together for five years? What are your hopes for us? Please stop doing that. People hate quizzes. People hate summing up feelings in words when you want them. Everybody's good at it. I'm pretty good at it because I spend a lot of time thinking about it. But most people when you ask them a question on the spot and they know that that question is you want to hear a certain answer in

a certain way. It's not an honest conversation. It's not honest for you to ask it, and the answer you're going to give is probably not fully formulated. Words take time and they are private in their formation. To get the articulation. It's hard for people to do that. It's hard for people to write it, it's hard for people to say it, and it's certainly hard for you to boom get exactly what you want. Please don't do that.

Putting somebody on the spot won't get you that. Asking how they feel in a moment might not say anything about how have I all feel in the morning. You're asking somebody guess about the future when they're still getting comfortable with the present and with you and with the two of you. Just focus on the feelings, not the expression of them. And a lot of people just really need to know because they want to give an answer to other people who are asking that, what's the deal

with you two? Are you guys exclusive? Are you gonna get engaged, Are you gonna get married, You're gonna have kids, and blah blah blah blah blah, everybody, all the outsiders want to know. Takes me back to the beginning where you got to ignore everybody else doing it. Fuck them, fuck them, your need to announce every aspect of relationship all over our social media. Please don't do that. It's not necessary. Nobody cares, or the people who do care, you don't really want them to care. I'm not sure

everybody's rooting for you. I'm not sure everybody's noticing what you want them to notice or the way you want them to. Like, stop doing that. Just be present in the moment, in the relationship and see where it goes. Not everything means something, Not everything has to mean something, And not every question has an answer, which is fine too. We raise there's a lot of questions around here, and we don't always have answers, and there's just as much

value in that. And I really like that. So you asked me where my passion and curiosity is in this whole thing where I started out them. It's raising the questions. Sometimes we find the answers, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we share possibilities. That's all part of it, and that's what I like about it. Everything else, all these other little tricks and techniques and things you're trying to do, please don't do them, all of them. Most importantly, as always, likes, Share, subscribe,

please review this podcast. Your reviews will always be appreciated and meet a lot in the podcasting ecosystem, because, as always, at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. See next time the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, Great Love Debate. It's a great love Toby