GLD 482 - It Really Should Have Worked Out

those couples? I know, you see those couples and you wonder why they don't break up, and you also wonder what it is that they that they see in each other that keeps them together. I mean, at the end of the day, that's their business, and we should all probably stay out of it, but out of it because who ever knows why people get together or stay together in the first place. That's mostly business and we should

leave it that way. But we do see it, and we notice it, and we absolutely wonder about it because that's just how we are, whether we see them in the street or we watch them on social media. We're creatures of curiosity, and we always say curiosity is a good thing, but we don't want to bud to deeply into people's business. But here's what we don't see, and

we don't pay nearly much attention to. We don't see the ones that could have happened, the ones that should have worked out, the ones that have that might have stayed together if they had just done one little thing different, or if they had overcome one overcomeable obstacle or asked one more question or been one bit more open, or had one thing go differently. Those are the ones I think about, and those are the ones I worry about, and those are the ones I want to talk about today.

The could have beens. There are millions I don't know, are there millions, there's billions, I guess. There are billions of couples in the world, and so many of those really should not be together. We did a whole episode on that. Go back and listen to Great Love Debate one one fifty nine GLD one fifty nine. It's called Laying Down the Law, and it touched on what I call the law of twenty percent, which detailed when and how and why people who are together should not be

together any longer. When they hit this formula that I came up with, it should be the end of the line. It was a very very precise algorithm that said, if your relationship is this, you need to do that, which is get out of it. And so many people don't

do that. They stay in bad relationships because they hope it will get better, or they're afraid to be alone, or because as you've probably heard on our last podcast here people admitting that they're together because there's kids involved, or for a dozen different reasons, and none of them

are good. So, if you're still in a shitty relationship or if you're in a really shitty relationship right now as you listen to this, go back and listen to that, and then get out, because you are wasting your life with the wrong person. And so many people waste so much time just letting bad relationships go on and on and on, and they don't focus on the good relationships that they should have let go on and on and on.

So let's talk about the flip side to that. What if you're in a relationship or thinking of being in a relationship that is really really good, but it isn't quite perfect, or it doesn't quite feel the way you want it to, or it isn't absolutely how you dreamed it could be so ninety five percent or ninety nine percent of the time, it's great, but every once in a while, no, and that every once in a while no freaks you out and has you running for the

hills because it's not perfect every single moment. And I'm not talking about every once in a while where someone cheats on someone or throws silverware at them or any kind of really bad shit. I'm talking about the kinds of relationships where there was just the occasional miscommunication or misunderstanding or even conversations that should have happened but didn't happen for one reason or another. What about those relationships? And I was wondering how many of those are there?

Because we can't see that, We can't see the ones that are possible and don't reach their potential. How many of those are there? I'm always hopeful, as you guys know, so I think about the relationships that could happen, not the ones that never were or shouldn't be. How many can be saved or salvaged or improved or can flourish with just a little bit of fine tuning if we just rub that fine shammy cloth over them just in time before the people bail out? How many of those

are there? So we're talking about matching people up today, or how to find boyfriend, or how to where these people are, any of the things that we sometimes talk about here on the Great Love Debate. Those people are right in front of your face, right next to you, the person you were with last night or right now, the person you think the most about or want to be with. What about making the relationship works in a

way that it should with those people? But the people that are right there or just were there or were there at some point, what about making it work with those people? What if you tinker with that car to get all the parts humming so that it doesn't backfire, and then when it backfires every so often, it reminds you that there's something wrong. What if you fix that part of it that led to the backfire and got everything running smoothly. Is it fixable? You know, car guys

can fix shit. Maybe you can fix things too. And before you start with now, if I'm in a relationship and I have a gut feeling that something's wrong or something feels off, you know I need to get out. Maybe that's true, but every so often, quite often it's not true that gut feeling is wrong, or it can be fixed, or it's you being neurotic or overthinking things.

And what feels off can become on if you just take it to a new place or a new environment where your confidence in the relationship can actually find life. And people focus a lot on the expressing of feelings and saying the right things, but sometimes the things we worry about don't really matter as much as we think. We had a guest on this podcast a few years ago. She was on here a few times. I don't want to say her name, but she was in a pretty

steady relationship at the time. But the one thing that bothered her was that he never said I love you. She imagined and felt that he loved her. She thought that he did, but he never said the actual words, and she was about to end the relationship because it was so frustrating and she didn't understand why. And we told her on this podcast, like, just ask him, do you love me? So she did and he said, oh, my God, of course I do. And so she said,

how come you never said it? And he said, I thought you knew, and I thought I said it and expressed it in different ways and they're still together to this day and they have a kid because she spoke up and she asked a question and they had a conversation and their whole relationship went to another place because of those three words that did or did not exist.

Those three words mattered to her. She was really ready to break up and pull the parachute because it was so mind boggling and a little bit painful to her that he just didn't say it the way she needed to hear it. Those three words matter to her. They matter less to me because I've had you know, girls, women whatever, look me dead in the eye and tell

me they loved me, and they didn't mean it. I think they were just saying it because they like hearing it, I would sound, or just checking my reaction or thought it was something I wanted to hear. So saying it doesn't matter. Not saying it doesn't matter. Having the conversation and expressing feelings to each other in an open and honest and productive fashion does matter. Those three words aren't always the be all and end all, but two words can be. I'm sorry might be the most perfect phrase

ever invented. It's so succinct and so perfect, and it goes so far. You need to hear it, You absolutely need to say it. And if it is said out loud, it is said with sincerity, and it is said when the other person is absolutely on the brank. It can make relationships that we're going to end, possibly go on forever. You know, I've said before that women, sometimes and men, but mostly women. Women tend to say things, sometimes not to be right, but they say them to be heard, which,

as I have learned, is incredibly important. She just wants to be heard. But sometimes saying you know what, you're right or I'm wrong, those are two words with just as much meaning and power as I'm sorry. Another two word phrase, thank you. Thank you goes so far. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the things that are obvious. Thank you for the things that seem trivial. Thank you for being you and being here and listening to me and loving me and getting me that latte, all of it.

Thank you showing appreciation, respect, acknowledgment. How many more of those could lead to how many more relationships if people would just say it early and often and clearly and sincerely, saying words and asking questions. How important is asking questions? I mean it's not even about the answer. Sometimes it's about letting the other person know that you want to know things to learn, things that you want to do better, that you sense something is amiss and you want to

address it and fix it. And again, I am not talking about asking questions that are fundamentally damaging to a relationship. You know, if you ask, hey, do you think you can get your hot friend to join us for a threesome? Probably not a positive question at an important moment, and probably won't improve things, you know, But if you said, how can I better serve our relationship? Who wouldn't want to hear that? And how is that not a positive question? What can I do to make your day or a

week a bit better? Is there something you need help with? Is anything bothering you? And again, sometimes people who are bothered don't want to be asked if they are bothered, But I don't think it hurts to ask the question to at least acknowledge that you sense that they are bothered. That might get somewhere. Even is there anything you want

to ask of me? Yes, a question that leads to a question, there's nothing wrong with that because it leads to a conversation and lots of times relationships can end because of a conversation, but I think there are so many more that can thrive and flourish and continue because of one, especially a productive one. Conversations usually can drive information, they can drive positive emotion. They're about sharing, They're about

the always important curiosity. They're about addressing problems and finding solutions. And if you find solutions, things usually won't end because they should not end, And this will not end. We're going to continue to find a solution or two, and this episode will not end because we will be back right after this, and we are back. Are you guys back together? Did you get back together during the commercial break?

How many relationships long ones, disbanded ones, potential ones did you not end up having or fully enjoying because you couldn't get through the one moment or the occasional bump, or you just couldn't figure out a way to get him to stop biting his nails or her to pick up her socks, or to get them to have one less drink before last call, or to spend one more

day a year with their siblings or your siblings. A situation you know, a situation or relationship where almost all the time it was fun and fantastic and loving and sharing and growing and happy. But every once in a while you or they overthought things, or they got insecure or worn't sure, or just got too emotional or even not emotional enough in a moment, and it ruined all the other moments and hours and months and even years. Can a moment change everything? Of course it can. A

blink of an eye can change everything. Life's about moments you met in a moment. I literally wrote a book called How to Find Love in Sixty Seconds that is exactly about what can happen in a moment. But look at it the opposite way, for a minute, for a moment, kind of bad moment, undo all the rest. It can, absolutely can should it sometimes? But sometimes people have a bad day or a bad week, and you can often talk through it and fight through it and get to

the other side. All of you, every one of you, have a relationship in your past that would have lasted ahime of a lot longer and been a hell of a lot happier if you just handled the moment better or differently, and especially if you handle the moments following the moment differently. How many times did you not say something that you wanted to say, and then you missed the moment and let the ball keep rolling in the

wrong directions. How many times did you say something that you shouldn't have said and that ruined all the other moments. But these moments or differences or challenges, they shouldn't always be fatal to the relationship. You have to think about what more do I want from this person? What things do I not feel or understand about him or her or us? Is there a way to get there? Can we ever get there? Let's figure out if we want

to get there. I brought up the point a few months ago on a podcast I did about breakups where at the end of the day, the person has to decide is my life life better with this person in it or without this person in it? Because that fundamentally has to be the foundation for every relationship. Do they improve my world? Is my universe a brighter place with them in it? It's the most important question you have to ask yourself. And yes, conversations with yourself can both

drive you insane and also lead to real answers. And I'm not talking about missing that person sometimes, and I'm not talking about longing for them late night once in a while. And I don't mean g it would be nice to have a date for my brother's wedding. I'm talking about is my life better with them than without them? And so many people skip over that question because it doesn't feel perfect. They try to get to the fantasy

and work backwards and wonder why they aren't there. You need to start with the fantasy and wonder can we get there? Here's what I have in my head. Is it possible to get there with this person, the two of us? The road might not be straight, there might be it might there might be curves, there might be roadblocks, there might be obstacles. But is it possible to get to the fantasy with that person? What is good about us?

What can be changed? What do we have? Is it at all possible if this and this and this can happen? Can we get to that? And how hard is this and this and this to overcome? People focus too much on the existence of the this and not how much it means and can this be? Not so permanent? Minor things should never be major flaws. Some of the parts is do they make me happy? Do they make me feel special? Do they make me feel respected and loved

and hopeful, And do they make me feel better? Do they respect my world and my family and my friends and my children? Is that a positive situation in my life? Because sure, you know, when he or she has to get up for work, he can be a bit grumpy and a bit of an asshole. And yes, not to be sexist or stereotypical. Mercury can sometimes being retrograde, and it throws her whole world into chaos. All those things are real things. But can you get through those things?

Can you make it to the other side of all that? Do you want to? And at the end of the day you have to ask is it worth it? And so many times it is, it really is. And we just don't want to do the work and say the words and ask the questions and find the answers that can turn this into that capital T capital H capital A capital T that and that can be awesome. So don't end up wondering what could have been? Think about

what can this be right now with them together? Call the one you went out with once that time or twice or for a little while or maybe even for several years, and maybe revisit the possibilities if you ask these questions, now, what was it about us that led to us not being in us anymore? And if that leads to be like, oh my god that oh I remember he did that, well, then that's gonna that's gonna

resurface pretty quickly. But if it's like I can't remember in the first thirty seconds what it was that led us apart, think about it then and think about if it's something that can be put back together. Maybe there was something there, Maybe there is something here. Think about it. It could have been sucks, it could be is amazing. Okay, I was thinking about this and I just wanted to So this wasn't the longest podcast we've ever done, but I was thinking about it, and curiosity drives just about

everything I do. And what could have been? You know, it's sad if you if you let things get away that probably could have gone somewhere. Shoot us an email Great Lovedbate at gmail dot com if you have any thoughts on this or if you have an experience with what could have been, because we have a listener letter coming up. I believe on the next episode pretty soon, we're doing that one on location, and it's going to

be very very fun, I think. Go to Great Lovedbate dot com, like, share, subscribe, and please review this podcast. As always, your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. To see next time the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.