GLD 479 - The Family Matters

for some of you. And I know podcasts are supposed to be evergreen, which means make no reference to events or time, so that somebody listening to this show or any other show down the road won't feel sort of like wait, what I missed something, or or they feel left out. But I am recording this on a fall day at pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am at the one just outside of Cleveland, Ohio, in a place called Legacy Village, in a place called Lyndhurst, Ohio.

And let me tell you something, it's fall, and fall, by far is the best season. It just doesn't have as good a publicis as spring, and definitely not summer, and maybe not even winter. If you went on Family Feud and Steve Harvey Steve Harvey still the host of Family Feud, I think he is anyway, if Steve Harvey said, top four seasons on the board. Name a season. I'm not sure people wouldn't say fall last, but fall is

the best. And maybe because it has two names. It's fall, it's autumn that it dilutes it a bit that sounds like a Seinfeld bids are the two names with the fall, but it's the best. Spring is so overrated, it barely exists in most of the country. It's just an idea, this thing of spring. You get these two dreary, soggy months of March and April followed by a boiling hot Memorial Hey weekend. But people fall in the love, in love with the idea of spring. You're like, where's he

going with this? I'll get there. Because it's supposed to symbolize a rebirth or an awakening, and because January and February are so miserable in you know, three quarters of the country. I think people want to just cling to any scrap of sun or the possibility of it. And you've earnd me rant about summer before. Summer is so overrated, it's miserable. I think we fall in love with it because as kids, we have no schools, so we're like summer,

and we carry that mindset into adulthood. But summer in most of the country is really just a sea of mosquitoes and humidity, and winter's winter. It's three weeks of holiday decorations, maybe five, maybe nine now because they spread it out, and then just death, the dead of winter. But I'm not here to be a meteorologist. But death, that's sort of what I want to get into, not dying. So I've mentioned a bunch of times recently that I started a new podcast and it is called Dead to Me,

and it is about estrangement, particularly family estrangement. And people ask me, what in the world does that show have to do with this show Great Love Debate, And it's really the opposite. It was this show have to do with that show, and why I consider it not that big of a pivot, and I don't even think it's the opposite of the love stuff. I consider it almost

a book. ND, because I've studied this a bit, and I have heard for years from hundreds and hundreds of people who have reached out and who have brought it up at our live shows that one of the main reasons that people have trouble getting into relationships or staying in one or being in a healthy one is that there are issues unresolved or that are linger sort of circling, a family disconnect of some kind, And lots of times, obviously we too many times put our relationship issues at

the feet of the previous boyfriends or girlfriends, or marriages or ex wives, ex husbands, all that we always blame something in our rearview mirror. But a lot of times I think it precedes those and a lot of times I think those relationships didn't work out because of some subtle or some complete disconnect with the family or a

family member particularly apparent. Sometimes the bow simply breaks. I know, you guys who listens for a long time, I've talked about my own situation, and on the first episode of Dead to Me, I dive deeply into my history and it was extremely traumatic to talk about, but it was also a little therapeutic. And the response I have got for doing so it really was overwhelming. And why I wanted to sort of cross the over into this podcast because there's so much crossover in the emotions and the

subject matter and the relationship stuff. So I want to explain a little bit more of this and I have some studies on it and my theories and opinions on it, because what is the great love debate without my theories and opinions. But we have to take a quick break and we will get into it, all of it right after this and we are back. So let's start with trust issues, emotional attachment issues, abandonment issues, trauma, abuse, anger,

on and on and on. And if you think if you don't have those towards a mom or dad or both, or a sibling, that it won't affect you in your your adulthood or a romantic situation, if you do, excuse me, don't have if you do have one of these, if you have something like unresolved or haven't talked to your dad in two years, or something with your mom, you don't think that will carry into every aspect romantically in

your life. Of course it will, but it's weird to bring your family into your psyche or into the bedroom, so we often draw a line or we put up a wall between the two, like one doesn't have anything to do with the other. And like I said before, you are more likely to blame your college boyfriend for your dating issues in your late thirties than you are to look back at a fight or a situation within

the childhood home or since the childhood home. But if you can't trust the loved ones, the ones who first taught you, hopefully the concept of love, unconditional love, then you can't trust the love at all. So I looked into how common this was or is twelve percent, which is about one out of eight. Twelve percent of adults have had or currently have an estrangement situation with one

or more parents. By estrangement, they define it. The experts on this thing, and I'm not sure there are any experts on this thing, because it's not really dove into that much because people don't want to talk about it. They define estrangement as breaking off, a breakoff lasting at least six months, possibly as long as to death forever. I suppose. Surprisingly, sibling estrangement is less common. The rate is about half of that new figure. Sibling rivalry would

carry on through adulthood. It would manifest itself in all sorts of destructive ways jealousy, resentment, anger, guilt, whatever, into your thirties, forties, fifties, whatever. But it really tends to not statistically, and it also when it does happen, it doesn't necessarily affect relationships. When it does, you are sort of wired as a baby to trust the unit me, mom, dad, Siblings are kind to decide like this is it the

three of us, this core family. So it usually gets back to the parents or the breakdown within the parents structure. And if parents get divorced, which they do lots, and then one parent ends up basically out of the loop for whatever reason, legal or logistical or custodial, or just complete indifference, which is the big one. I could see how that breaks down trust Where is dad? Why isn't

there a dad? And it leads to abandonment and attachment issues and God forfeit its flip side, it's usually the dad. But when a mom leaves my God, does that affected things down the road. So I'm not getting into this today or on that podcast or you know, or this one to play psychologists, but it is something that we

don't think about or talk about. Sigmund Freud, of all people, he certainly dealt with parental attachment issues weird ones, but only four times in all of his volumes and volumes of writing and philosophy does he even touch on estrangement. I've touched on it more, probably on the history of this podcast than Freud. So, you know, good for us and hopefully good for you guys, because it's rarely thought about,

it's rarely talked about. It's definitely not you don't, don't dive into it, and it's almost always swept under the rug. But it really is, and you know, it could be the source of so many of our issues, even breakdowns within healthy relationships. After a while, they tend to follow the patterns of family behavior and the other way. I think this matters definitely to me and probably too many of you. Is the shame around it and bringing shame

into dating for whatever it is. Oh my god, you don't think that's going to kill a relationship or at least stunt it. So many people look into date are looking for someone who quote unquote has a healthy, loving family relationship. I remember, but years ago we had Ben Higgins the Bachelor winner. Are they the winner if they're the star? I don't know the guy. He was the Bachelor on one of the seasons, and he's done our live show in a couple of cities. I know he

did a Denver, I did it. I know he did in La I think he did in New York. He's I love Benny's great, but he is adamant that a potential partner must have a close relationship with their family, and he would bring that up on stage. You'd be like this, this is so important, and I'm like why obviously, because I'm like, oh my god, that shouldn't be such a deal breaker. But lots of people feel that way.

And when he says it on our stage in front of hundreds of people, a lot of the people are like, yes, Ben's right, and I just want to crawl under a table. But it's not just you know, freaky weirdos like me who don't have that close relationship. And when somebody mentions it like that out loud, those of us who don't have it, we are deeply embarrassed. And so it eliminates a whole pool of possible love interest who are turned

off by that. So even at holiday time, it really throws the balance off when you're dating someone and you always go to their families and not your own, or you get married and one side of the church is filled with all the aunts and uncles and cousins and the other is just a scattering of college friends, and yeah, I mean the reason for that could be, like you just don't have a big family, you know, this big

Italian family. But when it's not that, and it's simply a lack of closeness or a breakdown, at best, it's embarrassing and at worst it's defining. This is how they are defined. They do not talk to their mother, they do not talk to their family. They are the black sheep. And if you get like you know, over forty, like me, and you've never been married and you don't have a close relationship with your family, you don't think that's an issue for people who might want to date us, no doubt,

no doubt, and it probably should be. But when do you even bring that up or how do you even dodge it when it is brought up? Because it could be brought up date one, you know, somebody's cutting into their salmon on the date and they're going to ask right away, so where does your family live? Do you see them often? And then that angst and that that shame and that you know, nervousness sets in and you don't want to go there, and then you seem evasive

and sketchy, and it all starts to unravel. That is why that matters in this love dating relationship space. So anyway, I'm not trying to run from the subject. I'm just trying to say why it's important to me, why it matters in the universe of this podcast, and why I think it's relevant to explore it for so many of you. Because I've heard from so many of you about this. That's why I want to explore it every once in a while on this podcast, all the time on that podcast.

So check that podcast out. As I said before, it's called Dead to Me. It is an estrangement podcast. If you have something to say on that, you can email Dead to Me show show at gmail dot com. And if you have some thoughts for this show, you can get touch with us as always a great love debate at gmail dot com. This isn't the longest episode I've ever done, but it's important to I know a lot of you. It's definitely important to me, and I hate

that this is this. You know, I'm kind of defined as that now because people have been listening to that podcast, and every person I talk to who I know listen to podcasts, they do look at me differently, and some want to give me a hug, and that's not necessarily a good thing either, because I feel some pity and some are like that explains everything. That's why you're so fucked up and you don't want to be that anyway, as you me an. Email to either one of those shows,

go to Great Lovedebate dot com. Our final I think yeah, and I'm gonna stand. I don't be wishy washy Howie. Final. Great Love Debate Live show December third, talk about not being evergreen. This is the show December twentieth, December third, twenty twenty four at the Boca black Box Center for the Arts in Lovely Boca Routon in Florida. Take us around sale for that at Great Lovedebate dot com or at Boca Blackbox dot com. H tenth year of this podcast,

and we still appreciate your reviews. They mean a lot to us in the podcasting ecosystem for this show and dead to me. So give us a review click five stars. They still matter because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love. See you next time, the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.