GLD 475 - What He Really Needs From You

but he's also hanging some shit here. So if you hear a drill, he was worried. He's like, I don't I don't want to make noise during your podcast. And I said, my podcast listeners love ambient noise, and some of my podcast listeners out there like, no, we do not. We don't like ambient noise. But if you hear a drill or something breaking, he's hanging stuff. One thing that

we we touch on, I don't know. Occasionally around here we touch on it more, but we haven't quite done it in a while is the concept of the five love languages. And for those of you who are not familiar,

it was a book by Gary Chapman. Chapman I think, and it basically says that everyone has a certain love language that is most important, and that by understanding and speaking your partner's love language and having them understand yours, somehow you are able to properly communicate and give your partner what they want need to be happy, fulfilled, whatever.

So now, common mistake that people make, whether it's in their thought process or in their their dating profile, is that they're trying to find someone who speaks the same love language. And if you aren't familiar, and just to back up forty five seconds, here, the love language in the book, the five love languages are acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. And we'll circle back to those in a second in

a little bit more detail. But my issue is in people trying to find a partner who speaks the same love language, which makes no sense to me. You know, you both love receiving gifts. You both think that's your love language, or you're looking for somebody who also likes that, so you just sort of pingpong the massage weekend give cards back and forth between you. That doesn't make any sense to me. Of course not. Of course that is

not a recipe for anything. And that kind of mindset has you and a lot of people out there looking for, you know, a version of yourself. I like this. This makes my life easier if they like that. H That's like saying, you know, you both need to be Denver Bronco fans and people date that way, or fans of the Office people date that way. But you need to be you know, find a situation rather than that, to find one who can sort of compliment and enhance who you are and the situation. But I'm not here to

just dive in all the love languages. I'm here to talk about my problem with them, the issue I have with them. First of all, I don't think there's only five, and I don't know. I would love to see Gary Chapman's discard list. I would like to see how he had fifteen and then narrowed it down, and he's probably like, oh, these three are kind of the same, let's do that. It's a lot easier if you have a group of five. I get that. I don't think there's only five, though,

I mean mazarellisticks are my love language. And I don't see them on this list or in his book. Not a single maxim mentioned. But maybe that's in receiving gifts. I want somebody to give those to me. I don't know. But that's not my issue with the love languages. My issue is this, eighty five percent of men have the same love language eighty five percent. And you're like, where'd you get that stat from? I did the research myself.

I've done it twice two times. We have done a survey of over one thousand men, which makes this the single biggest survey ever done on this, and ask them what is their love language, and men eighty five percent, like eighty four point five came back with the same love language. So back to Gary Chapman's book. If you're going to break this concept down and say there's only there's five and there's only five, that's fine, but they

better be split at about twenty percent each. You can't have one have eighty five percent and then the other four, at least on the men's side collectively do fifteen and or else it doesn't really make sense. And on the women's side, it's not twenty twenty, twenty twenty twenty either, you know, but it's it's a little closer on that. So when I ask women, which is what I'm getting into here today, to guess the love language that eighty five percent of men have, about eighty five percent of

them get it wrong. And the fact that they get it wrong really affects everything about how they date and who they date and the outcome of them dating. Because if you think a guy I wants this or does this or has that, and it's not quite right, neither of you will be fulfilled. And you hear the drill, that's the drill. I told you it was coming. And that's a huge problem with all of this and all of us. Nobody is fulfilled. So you're probably like, oh,

just get to the point. What is the eighty love language that eighty five percent of men have, and some of you are trying to guess out there, Well, that is called a tease. We will reveal that love lesson for you here. Don't be a tease, but we will reveal the answer to that and be back right after this. And we are back. We're talking about love languages. So eighty five percent of women think that men. No, wait, that's wrong. Sorry, I almost scare eighty five percent of

women guess this wrong. Eighty five percent of men have the same love language and almost all women and guess it to be physical touch. They're like, men are horny, primitive creatures. It must be physical touch, and it is not and it is not gifts, and it is not acts of service. Eighty five percent of men love language is words of affirmation, and because they do not get words of affirmation, they need the physical touch because in some way that is at least a sign that she

thinks something positive of you. I bring this up a lot that a lot of times the women are like, oh, the men are just trying to get some action on the first date. They're always groping at me whatever. It's that. It's because they are not hear that drual. It's because they are not getting anything back communicatively on these dates. They tell you you're pretty, they tell you would you like to see a dessert menu, They compliment you, they say all these things, and maybe the men is getting

back thank you. So he's like, well, if I make a move and she likes it, well then she doesn't think I'm gross. But if he got some positive words got it, he would calm down. To the point where I've said many times, if the women want the men to just calm the fuck down on the first date, she has to be like, listen, I find you super attractive. I just don't like to do anything until I'm ready. But when I'm ready, it will blow your mind, and he will calm the fuck down because he knows blow

your mind is on the menu. I talk about this in our live shows a lot that there's three things that all men three things at all women need. There's three things that all men need, and the women just to quick a refresher if you're new around here. The women need to feel special, they need to feel safe, and they need to feel sexy. Safe is the tough one. On the women's side, they need to safe is about trust and sharing and oustin and understanding all these things.

But on the men's side, the men need to be admired or respected. The men need to be appreciated, and the men need to be needed, and that is the tough one, especially as we record this in twenty twenty four. The men are not needed much anymore. And I say all the time, you know the people some women say no, it's about want, not need. No, No, need. I want tater touts. I need world peace. Now I screwed up my own joke. I need data, I need world peace. I want tater tuts. I don't even know my joke

is anymore anyway. But that's the difference, Like it's about need. They want to be needed, and the need is not I need physical touch. I need you to need me a lot more. A lot more women have a love language of physical touch than men do. It's not even close, but the men the women sometimes misterpret it. I know a girl, and uh, she was really having challenges in her marriage, and she couldn't understand why her husband did not care about her love her the way she thought

he should or wanted him to. And she says to me, I was talking to her. I barely knew her, so I was surprised that she even said this, But she said, I don't understand I give him blowjobs. She said that about her husband and like that was going to be the magical thing that of course he's going to love her, like if she's performing these sort of wifely duties, especially, the light bulb was going to go off for him.

And I'm like, she doesn't get it. If she somehow, you know, encouraged him or made him feel good about himself, or create an environment there he could feel confident or any of these other things, or made him feel loved or anything. Probably wouldn't need that, and he doesn't even need that she's given to him because she's like, I'm going to give him this. This at least has to make him happy. No, it will also make him happy, but it will not be the core that makes him happy.

And you and a lot of the women are like, I shouldn't have to do that. Happiness as it comes from with him whatever. I don't know. It's about an environment, and two of you have to create an environment where each other can be happy and the trust can flourish and the sharing can happen and all these kind of things. So if you're just like, oh, I'll just have sex with him, that's going to be everything. And the same girl, I mean, they got divorced later. I know that because

it didn't work out. And that same girl I know her dating now. She she tends to lead with sex. She's like, if I give them sex, they're gonna, they're gonna that's what they need, and they like me. I'm like they also need other things, and a lot of those other things they need first, and they need intimacy, and sometimes they need to hug, and sometimes they need to hold your hand, and sometimes they need to feel like they

look good, and they need all these things. So, yes, men are sometimes very primitive, horny creatures and cave men. But a lot of times that's because nothing else is getting in or getting through to them. And so I'm not trying to like put the burden on the ladies, but a lot of this is you're just not understanding the men. And if you think that physical touch is what is driving him, it's not. It's the words, and

the men rarely get the words. The very, very best partner that I know, the best partner in the world, she never misses an opportunity to say, I love you, you're the best, You're my guy, I believe in you, I'm proud of you, I support you, I'm so happy to be with you, all of those things that maybe in the twenty years of marriage people have trouble saying to each other. And I understand that in the noise of a life, in the noise of a family, you might forget to do that. But a lot of times he

doesn't forget to do that, you know. I know there's a lot of women out there, like my husband hasn't told me I'm beautiful in ten years, maybe because he thinks he's not getting anything back, or maybe he thinks you won't care, or maybe he thinks you're saying it for the wrong reason. I don't know. There's a lot of this, and a lot of the women, you know, if you ask them, they need physical touch because they want to feel desired, and that is the missing element

out of a lot of the women. They want to feel desired, they want to feel close. They want physical touch because they need closeness. And sometimes that is just a hand on the arm or a or a hug or something like that. It's not necessarily sex either. They want him to say I've got you, and touch means I've got you. Some of this, you know, I know we've gotten into before, and some of it we haven't. But it comes up a lot, and I'm surprised at a concept that really seems to have so much legs

and people talk about a lot. They rarely talk about that sort of blip in his system where it's like, well, if eighty five percent of men want the same thing, and a big, big chunk of women are getting it wrong. We're not doing a good job of communicating what that is and why it's getting why it's wrong, and so many of the women are like, he's a simple creature. He is. I've said before the men are light switches

and the women are motherboards. And you know, we had back in the early days of this podcast, we had doctor John Gray, the guy who wrote mars Venus, on this podcast, and he was fantastic, and he agreed with a lot of the you know, the differences between the men and the women and how they've evolved. We always say on the Great Love Debate, the women look for red flags and the men look for green lights. We stand by that. He agrees with that. We're just different

in what we're looking for. And for him, a green light comes from the words, comes from the words. So if you think that, you know, well, I made out with him, so he knows I like him, not necessarily, And I'm saying you shouldn't do that either. Saying you shouldn't, I'm saying you got to follow that up with this was fun, That was great. I want to do it again. You look good. You know, we get the smack on the nose as men way more than we get the pat on the nose. The pat on the nose means

so much more because it is rarer. And so if you think about it again, as always, I'm never trying to defend the men. Most men, including me, suck. But if you're getting into this and you're trying to understand, what is something very very easy that I need to do for him to make him understand not that he cares about me, that that I care about him. It's not a lap dance. It's not he that for birthdays

and anniversaries. It's you were amazing today, or you made me feel great, or I'm proud of you, or I love how hard you work, I love how you take care of this family, whatever it is. I love how you put me first. Things like that. And then maybe even if he's not putting me first, he might realize

that that matters to you. So your words of affirmation will boomerang back to you in a very very positive way that it's like, oh, she recognized that I did something that made me care more about her, that made me love her, that made me want her, that made me appreciate her all of that, and so you know, this isn't the longest podcast that I can tell that Travis has tried to dodge around my sentences to avoid the drill. Go ahead and drill, Travis, Drill, Baby drill.

He's putting acoustic panels up on the wall, so maybe there's a little echo. But that's what I want to get into today, Ladies, men, don't assume that's what it is, because it is not. Give him some words and a gift card for some Mutzarelli sticks. As far as us like, share, follow, please review not only this podcast, have you guys checked out my new podcast yet, My new podcast which has become a huge podcast. It is called Dead to Me. It is about estrangement, so please check that out. That

podcast is really doing well. I appreciate everybody who's listened to that, and a lot of people who've listened to that came from this show because there are a lot of through lines between the men and the women in broken family relationships and broken real relationships. So you will see the synergies between Dead to Me and Great Love Debate. Leave a review for both, shoot me an email mail,

Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. If you've got comments, thoughts, questions, or I don't agree with you, you're wrong, but you can agree with me if you want to, go on Dead to Me shoot an email. Dead to Me show and talked about how you hate your father. Dead to Me Show at Gmail. Great Love Debate at Gmail. Go

to our live tour schedule. Our grand Finale are all time finale after ten years of live shows, We're gonna still do to The podcast finale is December third in Boca Raton, Florida at the Boca black Box Center for the Arts. We have all kinds of fabulous guests lined up. Is going to be the best show ever. It's the last live show ever. I guarantee you it's the four hundred and sixty seventh and final, last live Great Love Debate show. It's not too far from Fort Lauderdale Airport.

Book a flight, come on down. You'll have a good time because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love. See you next time. The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.