GLD 472 - Navigating the Ex Factor

It's just something I wanted to talk about because somebody brought it up and I had something to think about. So forgive the quickie. And it's just me because my guest flaked. And if if a guest flakes, you got to be prepared to talk about whatever you want to talk to talk about. And this is what I'm going to talk about. So first things, first, little order of business.

I think the last episode of this show, the one I did with our long time producer, the two time Emmy Award winning Kiko, I did a quick little announcement of promo at the end for a new podcast that I launched and I am hosting, and it is about estrangement, which is a strange topic to dive into, but those of you who know me know that I have a little bit of a fascination with estrangement. And after that show, Keiko reached out and she said, I don't like the

name that you announced. You should change it. And I said, what should I change it to? And she said, you need to change it to Dead to Me? And I thought that's so harsh, so I pushed back a little on it, but you know what, She's right. The subject matter is harsh, and if we're gonna get into some rough areas, I think we need a rough name. And that's the name. And so the show is called Dead to Me. It's an estrangement podcast, and it is live, so Keiko is right. She usually is, hence the the

the Emmys, So it's live on all the platforms. It's called Dead to Me, an estrangement podcast, and it is hosted by me. And if you listen to the first episode, which is live, and by the time you listen to this, there might be many episodes live. But I'd like it if you did, because you'll learn way more about me

than you ever thought you would know. And I'm sharing way more about myself than I ever thought I would share, and not that that show is really about me, but I think the more you understand what makes me tick and what I like to talk about and why I like to talk about and the subject matter, I just

think it feeds into this show a lot too. So you know, the hope and the healing and the trauma and the pain and all of that that goes into hopefully finding that special person in that special relationship, You'll understand a lot of what we do here on the Great Love Debate. So give Dead to Me a listen, please, and or email Dead to Me Show Dead to Me Show at gmail dot com if you have an estrangement

story or a situation of your own. So that was a slight tangent, but not a total one, because I want to talk a little bit about past or broken relationships that did not work out for a second, not necessarily in a bad way. We're not here to bash the exes, but I want to talk about how much contact is healthy and how to navigate between that loss and moving ahead. So I have two opinions on this, and they're both I think a little bit unusual and might not be what you expect First of all, I

think it is healthy to communicate with your exes. I do you know if you're calling them every day and screaming I fucking hate you, No, that's not healthy. But you also shouldn't be in a new relationship at that point anyway. I'm talking about when you're in a new relationship, how much is too much and how much is too little? And I'm actually okay with it. I would want my girlfriend or wife to be on friendly, cordial, communicative terms

with whomever was in their past. I mean, I don't want to in court every Wednesday morning, but having some sort of lined them Happy Birthday, Happy Father's Day, congratulations. I mean even to like, hey, I was in Cape Cod and I remember that time you caught that big dumb fish and you were so happy. I think that's good because I want people to err on the side of good memories. I think that leads to a happier person, the gratitude that came from it, the positivity of the experience.

I'm personally not the jealous type. I honestly would rather have the person I am with in contact with someone who did not work out with than someone who it might still work out with. You know, I don't rather have them talk to an X than someone in their office. I just think it's a positive mindset. You know, everyone has a past, everyone has had relationships that didn't work out. I just think it's healthier than them completely forgetting anything

that ever happened and walling it off completely. That would scare me. That is unresolved feelings. And here's another layer to that that I am also okay with. And some of you are going to disagree. A lot of you might disagree. I think the pet names can remain. I think if you call your present girlfriend honey, you probably shouldn't go back and call your ex honey. But that's also because I think every relationship deserves its own unique name.

I don't think there should be two honeys. I think you used honey and you have to find something else. There can only be one baby, you know. But if I called my ex, my ex Shelley, Hi, Shelly, she would never in a million years listening to this show, and she answered the phone, I think I would say, hey, Pickle, because that's what I called her. And I think she would say what's up, toad because she called me toady for some reason, and I'm not sure why she was Pickle.

But anyway, I've never known her by her actual name, Like, I've never really called her actual name to her face. I don't think I ever did that. So it seems strange to call her that, and it would seem hostile to call her that. And I get that that's not for everyone. I get that some people might say, wait, that is too familiar, bordering on flirty. The pet names die with the relationship. I don't know, that's who they were to me, And you might be like, no, it's not.

You know, they're no longer, you're no longer in relationship, in that relationship, I get it. And you know, I always noticed the way and how people call each other stuff. I always think couples are in trouble when I hear them call each other by their If somebody's like, hey, Doug, it's Connie and I'm picking up John from soccer at five point thirty, I'm like, yikes, they hate each other. They definitely hate each other if they call each other

by their first names. I asked my ex girlfriend what her ex husband called her when they were married, and she said he called me wife. He said, hey, wife, and I could have told you right then that never had a prayer of working out. I don't know you guys know who Michelle Beadle is. She was on ESPN for a while. She floated around since she's a sports entertainment and she said once in an interview, she said, most of her guy friends call her Beatle, and I

get that. A lot of people call me Howie. But and then she started dating one of these guy friends, and he continued to call her Beetle, which would have been a cute nickname if it wasn't her actual name. I've always hated girls who kept my name in their phone as Howie. I always hated that I want something else in the phone contacts. So I want love of my life, something like that. So anyway, as I've said, add infinitum on this show, my job's to raise the questions,

and I give you the answers. These are some of my answers. But I have another part to this to raises a question that you also may not like. We have to take a quick break to pay for things around here. We will be back right after this. And we are back, and we were talking about this sometimes tenuous thread and treacherous waters of relating to an X. And so here is something I've said before that I feel even more strongly about. And people are gonna give me a ton of pushback on this one, but here

are my thoughts. I know, I just said, I think it's fine and healthy to have a congenial relationship with the past partner. But however, caveat if he or she the new person, especially as she but the new person, if she says, you know what, I don't want you talking to them, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think they have every right to say that I do, and you shut it down. That's what I think. The new person has the keys to the house. The old one

has to give up the keys. And so many of you are like, no, they have to accept that this person is a part of my life still, and I consider that my friend and I have to deal with it. I don't think they do. I don't and I'm not talking about you know, and this can't even get into social media. I don't want you liking and I don't want you, you know, Facebook friends with these people. I

think they have the right to do that. You know, as soon as that person and you know, not somebody you dated three times, but somebody who's like now your boyfriend girlfriend. I think they have that right. And I'm not talking about an ex wife or an ex husband, because obviously they're sometimes some legal and financial and custodial things. I'm talking about an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. So if you're easily jealous, even if the person isn't an ex but a close friend, I think you have the right

to ask them to just shut it down. You know, maybe not forever, but until they really get in a comfort zone with you. I just think it is your job to make the new person comfortable with you, and a lot of times that means your comfort zone has

to change. I mean, is that an absolute and no exceptions. No. I just think it's a good thing to speak up on, you know, because it's better than saying nothing and having these issues are jealousy creep in, Like you have got to give the new ones a shot and the old ones have to be put to the side, which is something else I've said before. These people are like, no, you need to serial day, You need to eight five or six people at a time to find out who the one you like. I don't think you do I

think you're not giving one a shot. You don't order five or six bottles of wine and drink them wald Or I think you order a bottle of wine and if you like it, you keep drinking it until you don't like it, and then you order a different wine. But it's hard to give create an environment where a new person gets a shot when there's stuff of the old person. So you might be like, wait, what at the beginning you said it's cool to talk to the old person, and I said, I think it's fine unless

here's the exception. The new person does not, and maybe the new person eventually be like, you know what, that was stupid. I don't know. Feel free to talk to them. I actually do. It's healthy. It's great, better than the other way around, where they think it's all healthy from the jump, and then they're like, wait, why are you talking to Monica so much? Why are you talking to

David so much? Like, I don't know. I think this involves communication, and I think there's obviously exceptions to this. I'm not a ten on any of these things, from one to ten on how strong this is generally how I feel, though, I'll be like, oh, that's cool. She wished her ex happy birthday, doesn't mean she's going out with them. And I also think it's cool if you're like, you know what, just limit it to a happy birthday. I don't want any other contact with it. I think

all of that can work. And I think that's all about communication. I think it's about healthy. I think it's about moving forward. You know, we're all about positivity here, and I think that is the positive outlook on both that I'm going to devote myself to the new one, and if it's okay, I'm gonna keep some ties that are friendly and happy and good memories to the old one. Two sides of the same coin, two sides of opposite coin, two coins. I don't know a little bit of all

as far as us. Two sides of the coin here dead to me. Podcasts like share follow review, great Love Debate podcast like share Roller. I'm not cheating on you guys with that podcast. It's just a little bit of a it's either a bookend to this or it's the flip side to this. I don't know yet, but we're gonna do a lot of things on that, but a little bit darker that we won't do on this. Show here, so here, Great Loovedebate dot com. Check out our tour schedule,

our big show in book. We're tone Florida. The Boca black Box Center for the Arts is on sale. I think if they move the date to December, it's December third, tickets around sale, go for that. Then that is our finale. I believe that is one thing. I do believe strongly. That is our live tour finale. This show, this podcast will go on forever and ever, but that should be the finale for the live shows. I think I got one more in me. It's gonna be a big one.

Tickets on sale now. Boca Blackbox dot com shoots an email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com if you agree or disagree with any of this, or if you have a third solution that I have not thought of yet, because as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. To see next time the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate. Degreat Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debase.