This is pod popular podcast for the people, The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate. Hi again, Everyone's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great Love Debate, the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty and fifteen. I got asked a question about an episode that I did a while ago, maybe a year, year and a half ago. It's one that I did when I
stopped off in San Francisco, and I wanted to revisit that episode. It's not that I'm purely doing it as a rerun, but I thought it was an important question because I think it's the single best piece of advice that we can give the fellows around here, and we have heard it from so many of the women. So I want to revisit the episode for you guys because I think it matters, and I think it's the episode that got us more viral buzz than any episode we've done in a long long time, so it
must be important. So I wanted you guys have a second crack to listen to it if you listened to before. If you have not, I think it's worth diving into again. I took another listen to it. I think I learned from my own episode about this, and I think it's something that I forget sometimes. I think it's really really important, and I think it would be whove me and a lot of other guys around here to listen to
this every single day or week because it is. It matters, and I think we forget this, and I think it is the beginning of everything that we can learn to do better. So I want to dive into it one more time. I want you to listen. I want you to shoot me an email your thoughts on it to see if it is resonated all, if you agreed with it at all, or any other thoughts on it. Great lovedebate at gmail dot com. But here we go once again. This is
the thing that matters. Fellas I am here in San Francisco, California. San Francisco, it's sort of like a I think San Francisco's like a Tale of three cities. So on one hand, it is, and as I look at my window here, Jesus, it is, by any reasonable standard, the most beautiful city in America and probably one of the most beautiful cities in the world. If somebody came here from I don't know, Sydney, which is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and they came
to America and they saw San Francisco. San Francisco is not quite Sydney, but people from Sydney would be like, huh, San Francisco's pretty fucking nice. And it is. From a distance, it's stunning. The landscape, the water, the hills, the architecture, it really really is. On the other hand, though, when you get into the the deep heart of it and go into the city, it's you know, parts of it are kind of disgusting. Filthy, crime, homeless, drugs, and too much
of this otherwise amazing city has gone too far in the wrong direction. But we aren't here to give you a civics lesson or a political one. The third angle about this place, though, is that, for the second time in the nine year history of the Great Love Debate, we have named San Francisco as America's worst city to find love. So there's that. Put that on a sign and hang it from the Golden gate Bridge. But I did not come to San Francisco looking for love, nor to help the inhabitants find
it. I have not done a live show here in about seven years, and I don't plan on it. This is not that fun. I want to talk about something more important than that, which should help at least the Fellas get to a place of love, even if this city is not that place. So I get asked a bunch what have I learned the most in doing this show and doing our tour for close to a decade, now close to a decade Jesus? And my answer usually comes down to two things.
And I never quite realized how those two things are connected until about five days ago, a decade of doing this and I'm still realizing stuff and helpful stuff and hopeful stuff and interesting stuff and important stuff. I think, because what gets in the way of us finding what we want is usually just that us.
So the first thing that I have mentioned many times that I have learned is that I had no idea how broken and angry and sad and lost so many men were or are so when I started doing this show, I thought dating relationships were fun and easy, and who wouldn't like dating and who wouldn't love girls? And girls, usually, at least back when we started the show, you can still call them girls. The more more or less like
me. All good, right, good. I don't understand this dating stuff, and that's probably because most of my entire dating and relationship existence up until I don't know, twenty fifteen, I guess I sort of did it at like this five thousand foot overview level. I stayed just above that ikey emotional fray. I never really got into the muck of it all. Just like San Francisco, I dated like the postcard. I looked at the very best
parts and stayed away from the tough, gritty parts. So I mean, if you ever come here and you visit Alcatraz and you go over there, you're like, oh my god, what a beautiful island. Look at the view, it might not be such a bad place to live because you're mentally ignoring or blocking the hard parts out of it that you're trapped there and doing time. That was me. That was the way I dated, at least
emotionally. That's the way I handled all of it. And when I started doing this show and found so many men who were angry or sad or broken or damaged or lost, and at first I thought, what's wrong with these guys? Why aren't they enjoying the dating? Experience. But then, as I previously documented, after one hundred or sort of shows and a couple of years of therapy, I realized I am those guys. I just didn't want
Sorry, I got distracted by San Francisco. I am those guys. I just didn't want to realize it. I didn't want to admit it, and I was equally broken. I guess I was emotionally unavailable and I was walled off from everything that wasn't fun or light or easy. I just kept it distant. And again, I get into this without it being any sort of expertise. I don't want anybody ever think that I or anybody else have any
expertise on this stuff. Everything is just opinion and experience, which is based mostly on the opinions and experience that I've derived from thousands and thousand of you guys on the road or at one of our shows in the audience, or from doing this podcast. Your experience, generally speaking, has shaped my experience.
But the second thing I learned is something where I think my experience will shape your experience that I think you can actually learn from me my relationship, my struggles, my weakness, my vulnerability, and I guess my failure. So now that I have your interest totally peaked and you want to get into all that, we're gonna get into all that. Not to step on a moment or be a tease here, but I take a quick break because San Francisco is a very expensive city and I have to pay for things around here,
like this hotel. So break is coming a little bit earlier in the podcast that it normally does. But I'm going to ramble on uninterrupted after this, so we will be back in about sixty seconds right after this, and
we are back. So we're talking about the second thing that I've learned from doing four hundred or so live shows in one hundred and thirty or so cities in a dozen or so countries, plus four hundred or so podcasts, and pretty soon the number of podcast episodes that I have done will pass the number of live shows. And the live shows had like a nineteen month had start, and I used to do like three or four or five a week,
but I have slowed down, and slowing down. The good part of slowing down is that has given me the time to think and reflect and discover not just about you guys, but a little bit about myself, and what I discovered was that the thing that I failed to realize during so many relationships and over so many years, was that something that almost all men, we broken, angry, sad, distant, lost men, failed to realize. And that is why the communication breaks down. And it's not why or how you
think. It's not that we don't have conversations, it's not that we don't say the words. It's really how we have them and how we receive them. So, guys, this is the most important thing I have learned. And ladies, if you tell more men this, it will, I assume help your cause tremendously. We got to share this information, so I mentioned it on the show before, but it mostly wasn't passing or in the context of me talk about something else. But thought it needed to have sort of
as standalone spotlight and focus. So that's why I'm devoting all this to that. So, guys, when it comes to an argument, a disagreement, or even a simple discussion, a woman does not need to be right, but she does need to be heard heard capital hard, not always loudly, not always clearly, but at the very least heard. And that great love listeners is the heart of the matter and the crux of the communication disconnect. And I don't know why this is, but it is. And knowing this
and working on this and adapting to this can change everything about everything. So what do I mean by heard? What I mean is not just sitting by while she is rambling on in its background noise and you're just trying to get through it or tuning out or half heartedly nodding or blankly staring while she speaks. It means what is she trying to say and why is she trying to say it? Or what is her response to what I say or did or
asked and why was that her response? And there are about ten sort of subtenets to that premise she needs to be heard, yes, And I actually sat and I wrote them out because it's not just a like a single prong concept listen, and that's that. It's all fine, nice knee package. I heard you? All good. You have to study it and you have to study her and you have to dive into that what what is she saying or what is she trying to communicate to you? So first thing is it
all starts with perspective. So clearly, if she is needing to be heard. She isn't seeing things as you do, because if she felt heard by you, you would already be on the same page and then you would move on to the next page and get somewhere. She's needing to be heard. She doesn't see it like you see it, because not everyone is going to see things as you do, not your colleagues, not your friends, and especially not the person you are with and hopefully love. Nor are they going
to see them at the same speed or exact moment as you do. So light bulbs go off in different ways at different times in different lumens. Think about that when you're not seeing it as she does, and then when you do next. I think you always have to focus on the value of the bigger picture. Is tuning her out or shouting her down or having the last
word is that really worth it? Because it could be something's totally minor and your need to have the last words suddenly mors into something much much bigger. And so maybe you got that last word, but that may actually be your last word with her, because she might have just clicked the light switch off
on the two of you and not just for the night. So then you have to think about how your words or not caring about her words makes them feel and if whatever you're saying is worth them feeling that way, So maybe whatever she is saying is completely nonsensical or is completely beyond your frame of understanding, Oh well, mattered to her at least in the moment, at least when she was saying it, which means it absolutely needs to matter to you
for a little more than a moment, because hopefully hearing her out is absolutely worth it to you as she is to you. You ever a girlfriend say I just need to talk or you need to let me finish, will you do? They do? She needs to talk and need to let her finish, so be it. It's a real thing. And then you have to think, what is the goal of saying your work words that they're so important that they shout her down or interrupt or dismiss what she is saying. What
gets accomplished by you saying them? Is it satisfaction? Is it pride? Because generally doesn't get you anywhere, doesn't really help your cause, not with her and definitely not with a relationship. And so when you are hearing her because she wants to be heard, at the very least you are hearing her
and beyond that. If you start there, she can feel loved and valued and appreciated at not necessarily your best moment the two of you or on your best day, and that's going to get you and her in the relationship to a far better place. And if you aren't hearing her and making her feel loved, valued and appreciated and safe every day, how can you improve that?
So what steps can you take to avoid these? I just need to be heard, Like, how can you cut it off before it gets to that, to stop it before he gets to that place, to not ignore her or downplay her in whatever her situation is, even if that situation is so beyond comprehension you just don't understand what she's thinking or why she's thinking it. Oh, well, she's the girl. They're better than us, she's better than you. They just are their motherboards and we are light switches,
guys. So on your most complicated day, you are probably not dealing with a fraction of the thoughts and feelings and emotions that she is, and you have to accept that and you have to be there for her. So then you ask yourself the question, what can I do differently to support her differently and better. And what questions can I ask of her on this moment, not right now, but when she calms down to help you understand the process.
What is her thinking? And maybe you'll never understand, but you can understand one thing that her thinking and her process is just a whole lot different than yours. Good that's a good thing. Doesn't have to make sense to you. It has to make sense to her and that's good enough. And it might not make sense to her, but she'll get through that in her own time. This is about you and your reaction to her while she gets through it. So mostly it is what are the goals and what is the
hopeful outcome of the situation or its conversation? And is making somebody feel bad intentionally or unintentionally just to quote unquote when or feel like you're right? Is it ever worth making somebody feel bad? And the answer is not. If you care about her, and not if you care about the two of you, she is worth it. So the argument, the disagreement, the conversation that you don't want to have it is worth it, so you have to
have it. And if the conversation means you quiet down while she talks hear her, and I have definitely not always done this. I am probably the last person in the world to talk about as an example of this, but at least I realize that now, even if it took me way too long to realize that, I've definitely needed to do. This definitely matters. It's not about right, it's not about being rational. It's not about reason.
You want rational in reason, don't date a woman. It is about being present for her when she needs to be heard and allowing that to happen. It's her fundamental right as your partner, and if you get that right, a whole lot more can go right for you and with the two of you together. So I hope that makes a little bit of sense. Hear me, and I think you will end up hearing her. So this is a little bit for the guys, but hopefully there's some women out there that be
like, yes, we need to be heard. I don't know, shoot me an email, Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. If you've got thoughts on this, I'll hear you. I will listen to you next week. Finally, I know I've been teasing this for about a month now. The year end twenty twenty two Capper mail Bag, all of your thoughts, questions, issues, concerns, and situations wrapped up in one tiny Great Love mail Bag will be diving into all that. Please, as always, like,
share, follow, and review this podcast. You reviews meet a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Check out Great Lovedebate dot com. There will be at least one show going into our tenth season on sale very very soon, I will announce that. Check that out or follow us on our socials because as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. To see next time, the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.