Service and Sacrifice with ShaRonda Calderon

just make us happy. Thank you, of course, So we will get into how you even came to be part of the tribe as we call it. So tell us a little bit about your background here in Dallas, Texas.

I will say a day after my husband's funeral. I remember my little boy came into the room and he said that he found the way that he could hug his dad, but he didn't want to tell me, and I had to encourage him to tell me. And that's when he said, if I kill mysel So I was broken and from there I didn't know what to do. So I called our PCP and I was told that, well, your insurance was canceled. My husband was found on a Friday, and our insurance was canceled on a Saturday. At that time,

I was a stay at home mom. I didn't know what to do. I was broken. I it's just a whole just that feeling back then, just being numb, but just full of pain. And I was I was given up even then, but I didn't want to give up on them. Someone had contacted me. It was almost like a little secret sir. I don't know. I always say that. It felt like like something off TV. I received a

phone call from someone. She left a message and I was going to call her back maybe, But then there was a deputy that worked with my husband and I because we both worked the Shaff's apartment together, and he said, so, I was going to call you. She's legit and asked the phone. So I called her back and she said what do you need? And I said, I don't know, but I just need to give my children therapy. I need insurance. That's all that I need for my kids.

And she said, call this number. I called the number and it was amazing, Joaiquing. I'll always remember that name. He answered the phone and he said we've been expecting your call. And I was like, okay, and he said can you come in? When can you come in? And I came in. I brought my boys with me. Yes, we did the assessment, you know, I guess the initial conversations and then I said, but this is all that I have money set aside, and I just want to get I just want you guys to get my boy's therapy.

That's all. That's the reason why I'm here. And I remember my therapist at the time, he said, no, we're going to give you and the boy's therapy. And they said, your money's not needed. You know, it's not wanted here. So if it takes thirty days or thirty years, we got you. Wow. And that was the day I feel like we're gonna be okay, and my boys are gonna be okay. That is actually my background of I got to be a part of the tribe. That's right.

I get your number? And I was like yeah. It was like surprise, and he tried to come back, but I had left. There was a picture of him in the background because to my friends and we were all taking pictures and there was a picture the background and I found that picture years later and I was like, oh my god, like, who was that back there? He was like that's mean. He was like I remember that day and he's like that was you and I was like, yeah, that was me. Wow. Yeah. But when we, I guess

officially met it was at the Sheriff's apartment. Both of us had started working there as correction officers. He had to start there in order to be a deputy, so you have to start there on the ground level. And we met there and a year or so later we were together.

So that's actually how we ended up there. What was he like? Oh my god, he was charismatic. He was laid back. He didn't let a lot get to him, you know, and everyone came to him. He was delightful the party. He was very funny. He didn't meet a stranger. Everyone like immediately love him. Now. He looked mean and he was rough around the edges. He was he was, I guess, you know, the ying to my yang. You know,

he was very rough around the edges. He would say anything and I would say, oh, Mark, don't say that. You know, that was the right thing to say, Yeah, like why are you worried about what they say? You know? That was that was That's who he was. He could say no all the time, and I was the one that would say yes all the time. So we balanced each other out. So I would get him to say yes, and he would say no for me, and we kind

of depended on each other for that. Well, he didn't depend on me saying yes for him, but I kind of depended on him just to say no. Yeah.

like you're going to be my girl. No, And I was like, no, I can no, I can't do that. You know, I have to focus on my kids. I was focused on school. I always had an excuse. And then I remember one day he told me, and it was a Wednesday, specifically, I would remember that it was a Wednesday, and he said, you know what, I'm not going to ask you anymore. He said, you're going to

keep shooting me down. He said, so, if you just want us to be friends at work, then we'll just be friends at work, he said, But I'm not going to keep asking you.

credit card out here. I left it. The guy he said, I see this six two six three tall black guy walk out, and he's like, that's my baby boy, right, there's baby. He was like, somebody should tell you something's wrong there, but I'm not gonna say anything. Right. Oh that's great.

and he would tell them always the right thing. That's the one thing that people said after he died that he always taught me the right way and said, hey, if you do it on your own, that's one thing, but this is the way it's supposed to be done. And he was always about business, like we can play later, but it's about business with this. He was a great officer. That was actually one of the things that attracted me

to him was his work ethics. He could get it done and he was about business and he knew how to separate it and he wasn't one of those that liked to like lay back and not do the job. Yeah, even as a police officer, there were people that would tell me, hey, he would stop and give people gas if they were on the side of the road. You know that that was Omar, Yeah.

make it to middle school. That I was going to go back to work, and actually I had got hired on through DPD and that was the police Department, and I wanted to go back, and so we started arguing a lot about that, like why do you want to go? What's the rush? You know he has made it to middle school yet, and I would tell him, you don't know what it's like. Everyone is like doing everything and I want to do that before I get too old.

So but I can do other things. And so that's when the change started.

some time. But it's to be able to know that it's it's really no different than when people ask me, like, well, when did you get hit and it's two thousand and four, because it was very significant, it was an abrupt shift. And when doctor Bessel vander Kolk talks about the issue user and the tissues like it's there at the molecular level and that's why this work is so important. And continue to do the deep dives and the self discovered journeys and the self healing and the healthy selfish and

like it's so vital because it never goes away. In twenty sixteen, I mean that's almost not too long. That'll be a decade. And then every year, especially here in the DFW area, the Dallas five, when that anniversary comes up, you know, I mean it's we make a big deal of it, as we should on all those legacies. I mean, it's a it's just such a thankless job, such a thankless job that I can say no amount of money could get me to do that job. Especially now.

And I remember him saying, you know, both of us should be putting our lives on the line. And he's like, so, why do you want to do this? He would always say, why do you want to do this? What do you have to prove? It was like the same thing that you have to prove, you know, That was our argument, But he was both of us shouldn't have to do this.

because I feel like his tesoscerone levels were low. I said, this is the problems, like low libido. You know, you're irritable, You're this. I was like, you fit this, and we need to go and get your disosterone levels. And I'm a man, I don't need to what you're talking about esoscerone. I'm fine. But eventually we went and they were extremely low. But he was also diagnosed with bipolar two disorder, and he said, I'm not crazy, but he didn't accept that. He didn't want to, so I said, okay, well go

and get another opinion. By this time, he was still getting the injections, and actually he was so terrified of the injections. He would take a whole hour to put this one needle in his thigh and I would tell him I'll do it, and he was like I did it one time, he said. He called my mom told everybody I was trying to kill him because I just shove the needle down. He was like, why would you even do that? He was like, I don't want you

to do it. But he would take literally a whole almost an hour because he had to take it every like every Tuesday or Wednesday, I don't remember the exact day, but he would sit there the needle. He was terrified of it. So we went and got a second opinion and they diagnosed him with major depressive disorder. And he said, see, I told you, none of those doctors know what they're talking about. It's all about money. This all the scams

about money. He was like, I'm just tired. Some people when they're struggling, they have all they they'll turn to drinking, they'll turn to I was.

a leg to go use the bathroom. It's a tool, it's just part of it. And if there's ways to counteract that. It doesn't mean there's something like, oh, there's something wrong with me. No, it means that you're aging like the rest of the world. That's what that means. There's nothing wrong with that. It just happens. And the same with being diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar two. I'm not crazy, that's not what that means. Doesn't mean

you're crazy. It just means you need a little adjustment and some chemicals that your body naturally produces. That's all it means, you know. And I think that's why, especially in the law enforcement community and first sponder community, that they just turn their head from it because of all the stigmatization, all the labeling. They need help with empowerment, the courage you have to not only walk in this place today to do this stuff. But all the time.

I mean now, I mean you're here a lot though, you know, you bring omar in and you guys, you're very involved, and that's a scary thing. It's a hard thing. Just like every morning I get up and I put my leg on, like that's a daily reminder of a significant tragedy that happened in my life. Right Well, every time you walk in these doors, same thing. There's a reason you're here, and you face it and you do it anyway. That's courage. That's the epitome of courage.

the reason why he's gone. Why because when he he attempted in twenty seventeen, and maybe a week or two before that time, it was like it was around fair time and he was so sad, and I was telling him, hey, if you don't get this together, and if you don't take care of yourself, we're going to have to split up, trying to do a little tough love. I wasn't going anywhere, and he had told me that he was thinking about

like taking his life. In the house, he said, you know, I was looking around and thinking, you know, maybe I could do this, And then he said then I thought no, I wouldn't want you all to find me. And the next morning when he left, I asked him, I said, when you come home, can we talk about it? And it was almost like he was relieved a little bit. So I asked him, if you were going to take

your life, what would you do? And he said, I'll go down south, which within Warrens they knew every little nick and cranny everything everywhere, he said, So, which would be like tor Waco and all? He said, I would go down south, he said, and I would find a little spot in there and I would do it there. And I told him myself, but then we would never find you. Then, how do you think that would make us feel? If we never found you? But he was spiraling.

I had called him, actually had my son to call him. He didn't answer the phone, and he wants some splend of text messages. So I had my nephew to call the office and see, you know, was he there? So maybe he has training? And they was like, no, he called in. He never called into work, so I knew something was up. So I called lieutenant and I said, hey, I'm gonna be full of transparent with you. We're having some family issues and I'm worried about him. I didn't

have to go into details. I didn't have to say anything. He said okay, and he said, yeah, you're right. He hasn't been looking right, you know. Someone else said they noticed that he looked a little different. So that day they put a bolo out on him, which is to be on the lookout. And that was a one long, hard night and they had a car that was parked in front of our house. Everyone was looking, every agency was looking for him. Well, he called me, and it

was on Thursday morning. He actually called, so we were able to ping his phone and I was keeping him on the line and I told him he said, can I come home? He sounded like a baby and I was like, yeah, you can come home. And he was like, really it was not him and I said, yes, baby, please come home. I was like we all love you. And he was like I'm sorry and I said no, just come home, and he said, there's a squad car

behind me. So by this time, my nephew had called the department to say hey, I'm on the phone with them, but they had already paying design and I didn't know that he was speeding. So the lieutenant was telling me while I'm talking to him, it's like, tell him to slow down. And I said, you know, Omar, I said, you know, are you speeding? He was like I'm trying to get away from them. It was like he forgot that he was a police officer. He said, there's another one.

He said, So I'm going to drive over here and I said, oh, my warrior weapons. He said, they're on the ground. I said, baby, please don't pick them up. Leave them there. And I said, said, it's because I love you. He said, there's another officer. I said it's because I love you. And I just kept saying it to him, and he said, oh, there's another squad right over here. I said, it's because I love you. And that's all that I would say to him because I want him to just to know that. And he said,

but did you call them? I said it's because I love you. I never told him yes or no. I said it's because I love you. So he said I'm going to pull over. I said pull over, I said, and don't pick up anything. He said, okay, I'm not. And so that was Christmas because they got him, you know. And actually there was even an article where you could see or a car was stopped on the side of the road when traffic was down. The sheriff's apartment was

right there. Even the little Waco or of course account of police, they were there, and he told me that the officer then told him the sergeant that was on duty. He said, thank you for not messing up my boys, because they didn't know if he was going to suicide by copper or what. They took him to Green Oaks. I was so happy to see him, you know that, And he was relieved. Ironically, he was relieved that people knew the chief was there at the time. He saw me.

When I came, he was like, okay, I'm gonna let you visit her, you know. But he was kind of surprised because because they hadn't seen me in years, like, oh, this is who you're married to, like okay, I remember her now, like oh okay. And so he was relieved.

I saw that and the support that he received, like he had the text messages where people were telling him, you know, hey, cal you got this, and there was a I mean a number of people calling and checking on him where he didn't feel bad and they told him, you know, your job is going to be here. Just get the help that you need. So he was in Green Oaks for maybe three or four days, and I remember picking him up on a Monday and the sheriff. Well, the sergeant called me and said, well, you need to

bring him in for a fit for duty. Well, I actually called them to let them know that I picked him up. He's home now, we're resting, so if anybody wants to come and visit him, you guys can. She said, no, he needs to get a fit for duty. You have to bring him in and we'll bring you the paperwork. They showed up an hour later, brought the paperwork and said, make sure he goes to you know, so you can come back to work. I said, I don't think we need to do work right now. I need to because

we still had to find a psychiatrist. He still had to find all the you know so I can get him in therapy. They assigned him medications. They told him, you can't take medication. If you want to come back to the job, you can't take any medications. We were there all day because he wasn't ready. And even the psych at the time said she gave him a hard time because she even interviewed me and she had him a really hard time. It's like he just got out of the hospital. I called the sergeant and I asked,

can you just give us at least three weeks. Just give us three weeks to get him a doctor, because this is all that we have. He has to have a doctor, he has to receive therapy. I'm going to say maybe three to four weeks. That was it, you know, like, hey, we're short and you need to come back. Cant of the doctor said that truth, you can be released, you

have to come back. They switched the shift when he came back, so he was on day shift and he said, well, the therapy that my wife set up for me and my doctors, you know, I go in the evening and they said, well, you know, you can burn your time. So when he got on shift, they said, we're short, so you couldn't burn your time. So and I remember him saying, you know, like if it, what's the point, you know? And he did well. When Omar was at work, he was functional. He was perfect. So that's why no

one saw it. But when he was in the hospital they diagnosed him with post traumatic stress. That's when he was diagnosed with that, and then in his mind he felt like, oh, this is a death sentence, like nobody's going to want to work with me. I'm a liability. And I was telling him no, you know, people can live with this, and he was like, no, the guys know, even though the county doctor knew what he was diagnosed with, but they told him you can't take medication. He couldn't

go to therapy. They actually gave him a hard time when he was at work. And that's why I tell people be careful the things that you say, because he overheard someone calling him crazy and he was already beating him himself up right. But everybody liked him steal, but he always felt like some they're looking at me, they're looking at me different. But he did well, but I felt I saw him struggling. Actually started spiraling in twenty eighteen.

March of twenty eighteen is when he started spiraling again. And that's when I started reaching out to his partner. I said, okay, y'all, I need help because he's not okay, He's not okay. I woke up to him in the corner on the floor brying. He's never cried like that, and I remember getting out of the bed and I was like, oh, are you okay? And he was like, I'm effed up and he said, you know, my brain, he said, my brain is lept up and you don't deserve this. He said, I put you through too much

and I said no, he didn't. We're going to be okay, you know, And I told him. He said I'm scared and I said what he's scared of? And he said, I'm scared that I can't fight forever. I said no. I told him. I said, we're going to fight this, Omar, We're fighting. We're going to fight this. And then I remember when he did.

thank you for you know, a riding my ass. He said, I thank you for that. He said, you loved me, he said, and I don't deserve that, he said, and the boys in there. I don't deserve a love, he said, this uniform. I don't deserve this uniform. It's I don't deserve the wordish uniform. And then I was trying to give him this tough love because by then we did

find another therapist for him to go to. He only went to her once, but the therapists prior to that we went to seemed like it made things worse for him. But now I know he have to be culturally competent. That makes a big difference.

about it. But he didn't give me that time, so I remember hearing him in the garage, but he never came in, and he was out there a little bit longer, and so I went. That's when I saw that his service weapons were gone and he was gone. He had his phone. He made sure they couldn't pine his line anywhere. He had his phone with instructions, you know, and his wallet. I kept calling him. My son said, who you calling. I said, I'm calling Omarin. He said his phone is

right here. So I knew then, you know, because I saw the instructions, like this is for Marian. This is a pin because I always forgot the pin to the credit card. This is a pin number, and the title of the cars, and the top dresser drawer. That's when I called the apartment. I said, he's going to do it this time, because he promised me he would never put us through that again. I said, he's going to

do it. I need your help. They waited till the morning, told me to file a missing person's report with a mesquite pee, which is what I did. Then they came out and they said, okay, we put a bolo out for him, but I felt like no one was looking for him. I called the chaplain. I called the lieutenant, and I said, I don't think anyone's looking for him.

I said, it feels different, like no one's looking. Later on, I found out that the sheriff had called off the BOLO an hour after was dispatched, so no one was looking for him.

So I remember my oldest son kind of moved me back and they came in and they told me we found him in the parking lot of the shriff's department. You know, he's dead. So that whole time, he was sitting in the parking lot, yeah, of the shriff's department, of the shaff's apartment, yep. And then I had people tell me later I saw your car there. I said, well, you guys knew that. I was looking for him. Why

didn't anyone go over there? Why didn't anyone And then getting the autopsy report, you know, later to say that, well, the bullet never made it to his brain. He more than likely just bled to death. And I don't know how long it was like, I don't know, but it was like he was there, and I said, I know he was waiting for me. He knew that I was going to get to him, and I was looking for him,

and that that was my whole mindset. He knew that I was coming, and I couldn't have gotten to him because it's behind secured you know, secured location, so one still wouldn't have been able to get to him. That he was there.

each other. I'm good, bro like and usually that's the that's enough, Like okay, cool, and it was like I'm good, bro, you know, right at me, and he was like, hey, after everything we've been through together, I would really appreciate if I ask you something that you wouldn't look right at my faith and lied to me. And I was like, oh shit, how you doing? And I was like, I'm struggling.

Why are you struggling? You know? I started naming off all the names, because when we first started this, it was like almost to the month or months losing just another one another, one another, one another one. And I was like, I just don't understand. What am I not doing enough of? What am I doing too much of? What have we not tried? And he looked at me and he said when did you become so important? Which, of course my ears pinned back, and he said, before

you hit me, let me explain what I mean. He said, Jake, the last time I checked, you weren't nulled.

That re memory you told me that you didn't tie that rope, you didn't load that weapon, you didn't pour those pillows down the throat, and you didn't shoot that needle in the arm like you didn't so on and so forth, all the different methods, and it was like, I remember how tragically relieving that was. It's the same with your situations. And I know you've been told this. I know because you've done all this work, but it's so vital to do these constant little reminders of it's

out of my control. I'm just not that important. I don't have to like it, but accept it. It's just so important that people understand we don't have control of the outcome.

all do. You still have bad periods of life. But where are you today?

plan here. You have a safety plan here, the people to call. And it was on Thanksgiving the following Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving was our favorite. That was almost favorite holiday.

Why are these people in this park. They should be at home, they should be eating. Why are so many people? I was upset, So.

need to be here. It was proof. And I remember as I sat there, there was another lady that that I had just met this that same year, and I called her and she put two and two together six months after her husband. God, I don't Thanksgiving in a park, So she talked to me, and we talked for about an hour. But I still knew what I was going to do. You know, I'm just waiting for them to leave in the sun to go down. Then I'm going

to do it. And I remember screaming at God because by this time he didn't exist to me, he wasn't real. I was mad at him, and I told him, I said, if you're real, I said, because I don't believe that you are, you'll step in. And I screamed that and I was crying. And by this time it's dark. I was literally pulling the trigger and it was two little kids that popped up in my window. It was pitch dark over there. There wasn't a single light there.

we're both gonna stay. And it's amazing how kids they know. You think they don't know, but they know. He said, you had the same eyes like my dad. And then I think that was actually when I really started the process of healing. I wanted to heal and dealing with the guilt never went away, and the guilt stays, but I learned that you can use it because I equate guilt to it's a little bit of love there. So it may never go away of me feeling like I

could have saved him, you know. And I learned that even when you're saying things like if I had him known, you're still blaming yourself. So I had to learn to take the blame off of me, because, like you say, well, with Omar wanted, he would have wanted me to live, and he would have wanted me well yeah, not just live, yeah live well yeah, And that's when I really started, like really going within and dealing with sitting with the pain.

Before I was avoiding the pain. Sitting with the pain, man, I.

why are you here? And I said, well, you know, it's just just to you know, to get away and just to help and you know, like a lot of people here, you know, they don't want to deal with things, you know, that's why he was talking. So I told him, you know, I lost my husband a year prior to this is just my way of giving back. And he was asking me things and I was telling him, you know, he had post traumatic stress, and you know, he died by suicide. And I was telling him little details. He

was asking me. It's just certain questions I remember. He told me. He said, I understand that your husband was close and he told you everything, he said, but a lot of the things that you're telling me, he said, it feels a little different. He said, like you have a little too much information. I said, no, we were just really close. I didn't tell him, dare tell him about myself because I still had that little bit of stigma. And then he said, well what he's He said, what

did your husband call it? And I told him I said, well he called it the fucked up place. Excuse me, and he said, well, what do you call it? I said the dark Hole. I didn't get it then, and he said, I said the dark Hole? Said you know, a little dark place, man, He said, it goes by different names. He said, we all call a death a place, you know, a little dark hole, you know. He gave

me a list of what everyone calls it. He said, the problem with your husband was he said that no one told him, because I told my husband got better. I said, he was doing so much better. And then he started going back down a little rabbit hole again. He said, Well, he said, no one told your husband was that he was going to see that place again, and he should have came familiar with it. He said, if you become familiar with it, you'll be able to

catch yourself before you hit the bottom. Yep, he said, and no one told him that. He said. He felt like he was a failure because he was feeling better and then it was happening again, so he felt like he was failing and it wasn't going to get any better. He said, That's what they should have told him, he said, and no one told him that. And I was taking all of that in and then I asked him, I said, well, what advice would you give? And he grabbed my hand. He said, don't be ashamed of it.

I get the therapist this? And I told my therapist and he said, you've been in here close to two years, he said, And I've been trying to get this through to you, he said, but this one person says it to you and you got it. That's always how it goes over. And he said, you got it, And yeah, I guess. I guess I do have it, you know. And then that's when I learned that there is so much power, transparency and healing in vulnerability. And after that is when I had my first This organization had invited

me to go to like this Blue Help. There was a dinner in Washington. I didn't want to go because I felt like, you know, no, you know, that's I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm ou thereist said, yeah, well you should go, he said, because your funeral here

was this horrible because my husband's funeral was horrible. He said you should go, and I went, and then from there I met people there, and yes, I did have an emotional breakdown, but I remember telling there was a lady on the side of me and everyone seemed to be so happy there, and everyone's dressed up and everyone's happy. And I remember looking at her and I said, I'm struggling. Those are the exact words, and she said me too. And that was such a relief because everyone looked happy.

And I realized then that everyone is wearing a mask. Everyone is wearing a mask because I was wearing a mask, and that was like a little catalyst for me to go a little bit further. And we've actually became pretty much the best of friends through this journey. And so and I got back. I told my therapist about that, and after that, I remember the president of the organization said, we want you to come and speak in Colorado, and I was like, for what, you know, I can't do that.

And I talked to my therapist about it, and he said, what's the worst thing that could happen? And I said, I don't know. He said, what's the worst thing that can happen. I said, well, I cry, he said, but that's it.

it is a gift, make no mistake about that. And I'm just not only proud of you, but I'm very proud for you and the boys and all the work you've done to be able to get to where you are and continue to heal because, like you said, it is a constant evolution. It is an everyday thing. It's just like working out right, Like you, Well, I'm going to go to the gym a few times and I just expect to be in the best shape of my life the rest of my life. Nope, that's not how

it works. Well, your brain, your soul, in your spirit is the same way.

sugarcoat it, because why, it's the reality. It's human. And even with my little boy, I think the reason why he's healed so much is because I made him stay in reality, like this is the reality. Maybe because it's my background. I didn't want him to have this whole idea that it was going to be so much easier. No, it's raw, it's hard. It's hard, but you can get through it. You have to do the work. There isn't any other way around it. So we try to avoid

the pain. No sit in it. It changes you, but it doesn't have to change you in a bad way. I was trying to be the person that I was before oldmar died, and I think that's why I was falling a lot. But that person died. Who I was died with him. I'm a new person now and I have to learn who she is. It's gonna take time, but it's a journey still. So once I accept that I'm not that same person, so much beauty can come.

Even after that, And even when I facilitate my groups, I tell them, you know, we're not the same people. We're not so when we try to do that, we're trying to fit in a box that we no longer belong in. We're new people, And it doesn't mean that it's bad. It's actually beautiful because the pain that you have you can share with other people because people need a light too, People need a guide. I needed a guide.

So if I would have had someone to say it's going to be hard instead of oh, you're going to be Okay, you will be but no, it's it's going to hurt. You're going to struggle, but you'll get through it, because that's what we did. And before I felt like I would never smile again, and when I did smile, it was fake, and I used to hate myself because I was like, I don't even want to go around because I'm faking, you know, and I didn't recognize who

I was. But I can laugh now, I can smile now, and it's real, and so I tell people it doesn't

feel like it, but it's a process. You just have to trust that you have to go through the pain and become familiar with it, because I've had times where I've dropped and I was struggling, but I became familiar with it, so I knew that I wasn't going to hit the bottle because I became It sounds morbid, but I became comfortable with that place, and I became comfortable with it because I was able to give myself grace

to understand that I'm human. I'm going to fall and I'm going to struggle, but I get back up because that's life. I'll make it through this mountain, and there's going to be another mountain, but at least this time, I know for a fact it only takes one step. So I just keep stepping and keep walking. I'll get there. I'll get over that mountain. Then there's going to be another mountain. I'll get over that too.

not feeling the stigma, and you guys understanding. There was something that you had said. Now my mind just went blame. But it was on the interview and it was something about you got it from some more was a dragon or a beast or something that you said.

life was. But he didn't have the tools to stay here. Now, I was blessed to have the tools in order to say and just that the way you guys made me feel that it wasn't anything to be shamed about. Everyone understood. That took like a whole burden off of having to try to pretend to be something else. I didn't have to pretend. I didn't have to hide because everyone knew what was going on, because someone was affected by it and they knew someone And that made a big difference

in my healing. I would telling the people at the other organization, I wish that everybody had this organization. I wish because they asked me, how did you get where you are? You seem so much stronger, And I was like, I don't I never saw strength. I just said I'm just here. But they were like, no, you seem so strong, and how do I get to where you are?

because you've earned that. Talking about badges, we're that badge with pride because you did the work. Nobody else did it for you, and you still do the work.