201. how to stop assuming the worst and pre-grieving things that haven’t happened yet..

Like where has the time gone? And how much growth have we actually made? Probably a lot, And I'm just so proud of us, and I'm so excited. And if this is your first time here, then hello, We're always going to be working on ourselves and evolving and glowing up to the best versions of ourselves. So welcome to

the team, Welcome to the community. Now with that said, I have been thinking about this thing, this thing called pre grieving or assuming the worst, assuming the worst possible outcomes when it comes to people, places, and things in life. And I have struggled with this a lot in my life, and I want to talk about it. I want to give you, guys my best advice. I want to give you a reminder. If you are somebody who is waiting for the ball to drop, you're pre grieving things, You're

assuming that they're never going to last. Things like that, and to the point where maybe you're even sabotaging your good things that are happening in your life or second guessing them even though nothing has actually happened yet. Now, the reason why I was even thinking about this is because I think when we start to invite good things in our lives, people, places, things, we typically might have some doubts about is this going to last? Am I

deserving of these things? Does this person really like me? Is this person going to leave me? Or even when it comes to money, is there more money going to come? Am I going to continue to be abundant? Am I going to continue to have success all these things? Even with your health? And the thing is this A lot of you who listen to my podcast, and even myself, we do two things. We work on ourselves and we work on our childhood traumas, and we are constantly healing.

So there's always like this healing journey that we are on and we are pursuing. But on the other side, we are also trying to build a life for ourselves outside of that trauma, outside of the generational trauma that we've living out. And if you have not listened to last week's episode, I highly suggest it. I'll link it

down below. All about really setting yourself free from your generational trauma or your past, your traumatic past, the things that you've been constantly living in fight or flight with, things like that. And we are on this pursuit of self development and living out our dream lives and getting out of our own ways and no longer self sabotaging and bringing abundance in our lives and things like that.

And when we're on that pursuit, what sometimes will happen is we doubt the things that we are actually trying to call into our lives. And we do that for a lot of reasons. We do that because we've never had abundance, or we've never had real love or consistency or good things happen to us, or it's just a new experience and we never experienced this before. So anytime something new comes into our lives, it's kind of natural that we are going to second guess it. And doubt

it now. Unfortunately, with a lot of us, what we do is we take this sometimes to an extreme. And so I want to talk about pre grieving situations and assuming the worst. And I found an infographic from Nicole Sachs and by the way, her book Mind Your Body that's right over top of mine on my shelf if you're watching on YouTube. She just came out with this book, and it's beautiful. It's amazing. I have learned so much from her in terms of the mind body connection and

healing chronic pain and things like that. And I've talked about her a lot, and I actually referenced her in my book as well. But she has some really good infographics on Instagram. I would highly suggest following her, getting her book and listening to all of her stuff. She has a podcast as well, called The Cure for Chronic Pain.

But she posted this, but it says, pre grieving is when we anticipate the suffering connected to quote unquote bad things happening in the future, and in the process erase the ability to have peace right now. And I find when you are somebody who really pre grieves a lot of things you're really worried about will things work out or will the ball drop? It's really because you've probably

experienced things in your life not working out. There was many times in my past where the ball did drop, or I couldn't rely on my parents, or there wasn't consistency, So it trained me to be afraid. It trained me to try to protect myself by just assuming the worst so that I could be prepared, or assuming somebody who's gonna let me down, so that I didn't actually feel the disappointment of actually being let down. And this is

the thing. We have a part of us that is so convinced that pre grieving and assuming the worst about situations that have not even played out yet is the thing that's going to protect us. But it actually makes it worse. It actually hurts us more than even the thing not working out would hurt us. And this is why I'm saying this. When you are constantly not in the present moment, and you're in your head, worrying, stressing, even assuming the worst, so then you're self sabotaging the

current moment. What kind of life is that? So much to the point where your mental stress, if your psyche is messed up, your body's going to feel that you will start to have chronic pain illness because you're so worried and you're stressed about things. You're not sleeping right, You're always in your head. Or like I said, to the point where we're doing these things called self sabotaging behaviors, and we can do this in so many ways. If we think that we've messed up, we will start eating more.

If we think that we didn't do good enough today, then we will just talk to ourselves negatively. If we think that that person's going to leave us, we're going to start acting like a person who is not loved. We are going to start fights, You're going to get paranoid. We're going to start searching for evidence to prove ourselves

right about our beliefs. That is what we do. So if you hold a belief that things do not work out, that everybody leaves, that I'm going to get hurt, that the world is against me, you will find evidence to prove yourself right, because that's what we do as human beings. That keeps us safe. But the thing is is that's all a false sense of control. Because the only thing that is certain right now, and I know it feels

like it's not. But the only thing that is actually certain right now is right now, in this moment, what's happening in this moment. Okay, So there might be times in the past where something didn't work out or somebody did disappoint you, but one you need to understand that your mind is currently trained to assume that people, places, and things are going to be like the past. But you don't have as much control as you think about

certain outcomes in your life. And I think this can be tricky for those who are on the pursuit of working towards their dream life, or maybe you believe in manifesting and you know, co creating with the universe or whatever.

I believe in co creating really with God. But I think as you get older you learn that although yes, you can control the way you believe and you seek out certain things, and for the most part, you can control a lot in your life, but even the best of the best things that happen in your life, they're gonna play out the way they need to play out, and you can think about it as the way God wants to let it play out, or the way the universe is gonna move mountains for you, whatever it is,

but it's not exactly copy and paste the way you assume it's going to be anyways, even the best things in life. So it's a little silly for us to actually truly believe that we could control how that outcome is going to be. So then it's like, what do we do? Because at the end of the day, we are human and we're always going to seek safety. We're going to seek comfort, We're gonna seek the ability to

protect ourselves. And this is what I learned. The pre grieving, the assuming, the waiting for the ball to drop is actually hurting me and it's not even going to change an outcome whether the shitty thing happens or not. And I've played that out enough in my life to see that that tactic does not work. But I needed a new tactic. And the tactic that I have in my life that I like to go back to is remind finding myself of this one hard, in fact truth of

the matter. And I need you guys to really hear this and really look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of this. You have come this far. You really don't believe that you couldn't handle the situation if the ball did drop, or if somebody left, or somebody walked away, or somebody hurt you, or something didn't work out, that's insanity.

You know why, because you're here today. A lot of you who are listening to this podcast right now have probably gone through a lot of trials and tribulations, and it's almost like you forget that you are a literal soldier. You forget that God literally chose you. You're the chosen one. Sometimes we don't want to be, but it's like you are one of the strongest soldiers and you're going to sit here and act as if you couldn't handle the

ball being dropped. If it did, that's insanity. And the thing is this, we don't need to be delusional about life. Sometimes the ball does drop. And I think sometimes we try to convince ourselves if we're on this journey and we realize we're pre grieving, Okay, let's just manipulate ourselves to believe that the ball's never going to drop. No, that's not what we do, because you're smart enough to

know that sometimes the ball does drop. Sometimes things don't work out, Sometimes people leave, Sometimes there is heartbreak or there's disappointment in life. But the thing is is you have to build confidence in yourself to understand and know deeply that you are resilient and you can handle what life hands you. And now I found this Pinteres quote that I've been living by for a while now, especially right now in my life, and it says, you've mastered surviving,

It's time to live now. And I just think that I'm currently in this phase and I think a lot of you need to be reminded of this. That you've done enough healing, Okay, like you've survived so much, it is time to live. And what I mean by that is it is time for you to believe that good thing are possible and that they will last and that they will play out and they will happen. And it's time that we really lean more on the possibilities and

the beautiful outcomes of life now. Within the Cool Sax's quote that she posted on Instagram, that infographic, she wrote out a whole caption, but something she wrote in there is if it's not happening right now, it's not happening. And this is what I really want you guys to focus on. And this is what I try and focus on now in my life, because the truth is, you're gonna have these thoughts come back up, and these doubts about good things when they happen in your life, especially

if they're now. Of course, it's very normal, and I would invite you to a normalize the fact that these things will come up. But it's really time that we do our best to not let ourselves go there. You don't need to let yourself go into that scenario of, well, what if this doesn't work out, or this person might not like me, or what if it turns out like this, all the bad, shitty scenarios. You have to get so good and so disciplined to not even let yourself go there.

And this is the thing. There's a part of your brain, a part of you that convinces yourself that it's smart and it's good that we go there, that we sit here and we ruminate on the fact that okay, well the bad outcome might happen and we should start pre grieving this thing, and dah da dah and you go into that spiral so much so then you start what looking for that evidence, you start sabotaging, and then you show yourself see, hey, I was right, I was right.

I was right. I was right. You don't need to prove yourself right. And the only thing that's important right now is what is happening right now. And if it's not happening the thing that you're worried about, if it's not happening right now, then it's not happening. You don't need to worry about if it's going to happen, it's not happening right now. Now. There's this girl that I've been subscribed to on YouTube. She talked a lot about

the nervous system. I believe I haven't watch her videos in a very long time, but I saw this post on her community tab and I thought it was perfect to bring to you guys as a reminder. And she was talking about this idea of like why you keep falling back into your old ways and things like that, whether it's like an old thought process you're stressing about something, or habits and whatever. And she posted a few slides and it says you thought you were getting better, but

now it feels like anxiety is back. What's wrong with you? And the second slide goes nothing. This is exactly how healing works. Healing isn't linear, It loops its spirals. It revisits old places with new capacity. Your brain doesn't delete neural pathways, it builds new ones. The old ones are still there, familiar, fast, and deeply ingrained. When life gets hard, your system doesn't ask what's the most evolved choice I can make. It asks what has kept me safe in

the past, and then it does that. So this is why I'm saying it's going to be up to us to be more disciplined with reminding ourselves that the old way that we've been dealing with potential outcomes that we don't want does not work, and it actually not only makes it so we are probably more prone to the thing not actually working out because we're feeding into it,

but also in general, it is hurting ourselves. In the present moment, we are stressing, we are getting overwhelmed, we are anxiety ridden, and we need to go back to the fundamental truth that for one, we don't have as much control as we think, and that is a beautiful thing at times. For two, we have resilience and we can handle things that come up. And three, if it

is not happening right now, it is not happening. That is the only fact of the matter, and one last thing I'll add to those quotes that she was saying in terms of how you know, healing and your cycle, sometimes they'll just come back up and you'll get triggered again. Not only is it normal and not only do we need to fall back into those mindset shifts that I was just saying, Just as much as your triggers will come up and they'll flare up and they will come online,

they can also fall back offline. So you guys know, my mom passed away in December, and when she passed away, this pre grieving and this assuming the worst out of

life thing really came back on line for me. And I went through this pre grieving process and the ball's going to drop and assuming the worst I would say like teens into most of my twenties because that's when a lot of like the trauma was happening, and the stress and dealing with a parent that was like an attic, which I also had to do a lot of pre grieving with her and our relationship so many things. Right, So I had gone through a lot of that and

I had really gotten myself out of that. I built a life for myself that was detached from the things that really triggered me all the time, and I went on a healing journey, and you know, I have the life that I have now, and so there wasn't a lot of like deep levels of pre grieving in my life or assuming the worst, or at least I was clear enough to be able to kind of like steer myself back on to like not assuming the worst if I have good things come in my life, because I

was able to see, like, this is old pattern and it's okay, and I'm I'm resilient even if these things don't work out. Things like that. But when my mom passed away, it really triggered all of these things back up again for me, and it got so bad to the point where I was dreading some of the small things that made me feel happy and alive, which was not a lot, by the way. After my mom passed away, there were like I was really feeling like very very I wouldn't say numb, but like there was just no

zest for life, of course, because I was grieving. But I'm going to give you an example of like my morning coffee. There was a few things that made me like decently happy and got me through my days, like small little things here and there, and eventually like one of those things was like getting back onto a routine, a morning routine, and like having my cup of coffee that was like my one little piece of sanity in

the morning. But in that same token, I found myself pre grieving and not being excited to even drink my morning cup of coffee and almost like wanting to even prolong having my morning coffee because I knew it was going to end, and I didn't want it to end, because I was dealing with so much endedness and so much grieving that I was even dreading the good thing that was happening in my life. But I can sit here and tell you today that I no longer dread

my morning cup of coffee like that. I don't think about it like that. It doesn't consume me, and I'm not afraid of it being over. And I'm saying all that to say that there are just going to be times in your life where you're more triggered. There's trauma that comes up, and you just have to ride that wave, you have to go through that. And I think that this just opens up that conversation about not being delusional with life and just knowing that there are going to

be things that might end. Maybe it's your cup of coffee for that day, or maybe it's a relationship, or maybe it's a job opportunity, or maybe there's going to be dips in your financial income or things like that. But you're resilient and you can deal with it and you can go through it. But just don't sabotage that moment because it feels hard, and I know what that feels like to you know, feel the dread of something

good leaving. But what got me through that is reminding myself that I'm going through this process right now, this is normal. Right There's gonna be times in my life where I'm pre grieving more than not, or I'm assuming the worst or not, and this is just an old pattern.

Like I really did understand that it was just like an old pattern and it wasn't necessarily rooted in things that are actually like real right now, not to say that the grieving wasn't real and that I lost my mom, but the fact is, like the coffee is gonna come again, and I'm gonna be better again, and even when I don't have that coffee to look forward to, like I

am gonna be okay. It's just I had to really lean on this resilience that I know that I have, and this confidence within myself and trust within myself that I can get through this time when I don't have the coffee right when things aren't feeling good in my life, I have my and I'm not going to leave myself. And when you do that, it gets good. When you do that, you don't sabotage. And I think about me grieving the first few months of losing my mom, and

I didn't sabotage. I didn't go into any sort of eating disorder when I mean that, like you know, just binging, emotional eating, and I used to do that in my past. I had an ed for a very very very long time, so I didn't fall into any sort of those behaviors. I wasn't even smoking when I mean smoking, like gardening, like smoking weed, nothing like that. I didn't do any sort of escapism. I didn't even rely on any sort of relationships that were not serving me. I didn't do

any dating. I didn't party. I didn't even really escape and like do too much of suppression. And I was so proud of myself for doing that because I just knew what the process was. I knew that this is a part of life, and I just had to ride that wave. And I am now at a point where I didn't sabotage. I became more strong and more resilient. I was able to honor my mom and connect with

my mom. I deeply fell into spirituality, and I connected to God and I connected with my mom like I did all the things that I possibly could do in the most beautiful way in my personal opinion, and I got out of it and I'm stronger for that, and I learned lessons through that, and I did not hurt myself in the process, And that is just what I want to say, is like, let's not hurt ourselves in the process, right, And what I mean by that is, yeah,

doing extreme amounts of pre grieving and assuming the worst and doing those self sabotaging behaviors. What you need in those moments is not for you to sabotage and hurt yourself more. You need to be with yourself and your emotions when they are coming up. And I know it's uncomfortable, but you know what's more uncomfortable, guys, what is more uncomfortable is you having to deal with the consequences of

what your self sabotaging behaviors will do. And I'm sure you guys know, I know, trying to get out of those cycles of unhealthy relationships with food, or relationships or situationships or going back to somebody who wasn't you know, you know, serving me at the time, or you know, even just getting out of that cycle of smoking because I'm bored or I'm suppressing my emotions or all that.

You know, it's hard. It's actually much harder than dealing with the thing that life, God, universe is really trying to get you to see and be present with. And I just want to say that you can do it. You have survived so much in your life. You are resilient,

you are strong, You can get through these things. Take it one day at a time, and do not feed into the lies, okay, that things don't get to work out for you, that you are not lovable, that you can't find good love or abundance, or things like that. It's bullshit, okay, And in my life right now, I would rather just take the risk of believing that good things are going to happen to me and that people

love me. And that I get good things than to not, because the truth is, either way, things are gonna happen the way that they happen. But me assuming the worst is not gonna change it. It's not going to make me bulletproof. It is not gonna, you know, make sure that people don't leave me, or that circumstances actually work out. That's not actually what's gonna happen. And I want a good life. I'm here to live a good life. So take the chance on yourself. You deserve it, and your

resilient and you can do it. And if you need to be reminded of that and need to fall back into that neural pathway again, building that new neural pathway, listen to this again. Okay, have a journal practice, get your mind right. When you know you're spiraling into the oh, the what if or the bad habits again, pull yourself out of that. Start entertaining good possible outcomes. And if you can't get yourself to think about good possible outcomes,

just drop it and think about something else. Get up and go outside, get up and go work on something, do something else with your time, but do not waste your precious moment, which is the only thing you have right now, thinking about what if or what could? You don't know, you don't need to know. It's none of your business, quite frankly. So with that said, that's all I'm gonna say. I hope this episode helped you guys

in any way. Please let me know what you did enjoy and if you want me to expand on anything further, leave it in the comments. Please like this video if you enjoyed it, so I know to make more. Don't forget to subscribe if you're watching on YouTube, And if you are watching on YouTube, just know I have the podcast audio version as well on Spotify and Apple and all those good places. I will see you guys and the next one. Bye,