Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. I am going to skip most of the intro because today's episode is going to be hard for me. It is going to be very serious and very deep. But one thing is certain about this podcast that I have created for myself and for you guys, is this is a place for me to express and to really process a lot of the things that I either go through or have been through.
In my life.
So this will also be very therapeutic for me, but of course very difficult. Now a lot of you guys have already seen on my community tab and or on Instagram, and this is going to be really hard for me to say, even though I've been saying this for the past few weeks.
Unfortunately, my mother.
My beautiful, amazing, unconditionally loving mother, had passed away a few weeks ago, and I know a lot of you guys know a little bit about her story in terms
of of she struggled with addictions. And for anyone who's listening who either might be like friends or family, because I feel like a lot of family might be watching this, or you just have never heard me talk about my mom's story, I just want to preface this to say that she always allowed me to kind of speak on her story a little bit when it comes to addictions, like I've never really got too much into it, but she was always aware that I would mention that she
struggled with addictions the way that my dad did as well. So I just want anyone who might be thinking that I've never mentioned this before, that I have mentioned this, and she has always known that. Now some of you guys know, and I have been saying this for as long as I've been talking about my mom, that you know she struggled with addictions for many years in her life,
all throughout my twenties. But honestly, when my dad passed away is when it really came to light that she was also struggling with her own addictions and mental health issues and all the things that she went through in her life. She kind of went down that rabbit hole, and it got continuously worse as I got older.
And so I've been dealing.
With this for a long time, quite honestly, being a child of two addicts and losing both parents to such a darkness. But of course I have learned so much from the loss of both parents and even the loss of the things that I knew that I was never going to get from her, even in this physical world
when she was alive. And although I have done my own journey when it comes to self improvement and healing and glowing up and all that kind of stuff, separate from my parents, like my parents play a huge role in who I am today and why do the things that I do. So anyways, by the way, obviously this episode is going to be probably all over the place. I would say a lot that my mom had been doing a lot better than she was, and the truth
is she was. I watched her get out of way worse circumstances that she was in, even the moments leading up to her passing, and I am genuinely incredibly proud of her and how far that she went considering her life circumstance and considering what was dealt to her and the darkness that she had to fight every single day. And addiction is I mean, it's something you don't fully
understand until you go through it. And even myself, as much as I've seen it with my own eyes and I have even struggled with my own vices, I will never fully understand, you know, what it means to be inside of an attict's mind as much as I've seen it around me a lot, and it's just it's really unfortunate. It really is. It really is something that strips the
most beautiful souls. I mean, I think everyone comes down on this earth as like just a beautiful light and a soul and whatever, and then unfortunately, for whatever reason, things happen in their lives and it gets to the point where sometimes you go as far as you know, not knowing how to deal with whatever the darkness is that keeps following you in whatever capacity that is, and you fall into that road. And unfortunately that was my mom's story, and as much as she was fighting against that,
she didn't end up getting out of it. So the past few weeks have obviously been very difficult for me.
I kind of want to talk about some of the things that I have just been, you know, going through experiencing and grieving, and I'm still obviously grieving, and I also would like to talk about how I'm going to be kind of honoring my mother and even my father, but my mother in a different light the way that I've always wanted to even when she was here, by like letting go some of this darkness that has been not owned following her, but also me and things that
I have been carrying from both of my parents, because that's kind of what happens when you have parents who've struggled with these things.
And as much.
As this episode is basically just me using it as therapy, maybe this will give some other people comfort if you are struggling currently, whether you are grieving, or you're going through a breakup, or you're going through something very difficult, because I think that we just need more conversations around the fact that life can be very difficult and very confusing and very uncomfortable, and like what do we do
about this? And not only have I seen it in myself, but I have seen it in other people, and of course I've seen it in my mother. I've seen it even in my father in certain aspects. But you know the realness of life that is so dark at some points, and so confusing and so uncomfortable. When we don't know what to do with that, we will go to things to numb that, to get rid of the feeling. And this is not even to blame ourselves, it's it's literally
no wonders. People do the things that they do right, because sometimes we just don't know how to handle or
deal with emotions. And this is why I have created the podcast that I have and I try and share with you guys what has worked for me when it comes to my mental health, because I have learned over my journey to do my best to just keep going and when things feel tough, to do my best to work with the darkness and work with the struggle and try to understand it more and try to work with it instead of resistant, instead of go to the things that are going to literally kill me as much as I can.
And this is not.
Throwing shade on the people who end up doing some of the hardest things or the hardest drugs or the hardest you know, things that just mess up their lives and then sometimes it just takes over them because I understand, Actually I don't fully even understand, because you know, only the people who've gone through it have understood. But I try and do my best to do my best, and even last night, I talked to myself a lot. I
talk a lot in general. I think it's just the way that it helps me get through things in my life, and same with writing and journaling. I was laying in bed, and I was uncomfortable.
I was so uncomfortable.
This whole grieving process has been very uncomfortable for me because I'm somebody who likes to compartmentalize things, like I like to understand things, and then I can compartmentalize it in my head why it happened, and I can just like put it over here and I can just move forward. But I can't do that with my mother, especially with my mother, And quite honestly, this grieving process is completely different than the way that I grieve my father for
many reasons. One because I was sixteen years old and I didn't even understand what it really meant to grieve a parent. I was not emotionally intelligent the way that I am now. I didn't know how to express my emotions. I just didn't know a lot of things. I also was with a mom who she wasn't really that avoidant, but there was just she was avoidant in some ways. It's not that if I came to her with anything, she would be like, go away, but like whatever.
We just had the life that we had.
And we handled emotions the way that we handled them, and so I didn't have a healthy expression of being able to really grieve the loss of my father. And you guys, a lot of you guys know I didn't have the healthiest relationship with my father. I was afraid of him a lot. I learned to suppress a lot of my emotions from him because that's what he did.
So we had a difficult relationship in a way. So it was like I missed him and I had to grieve the loss of not having a father, and it was sad and I still have to deal with that. But I didn't have that attachment the way that I have with my mom. You know, my mom was my everything.
She was my savior. I looked at her like she was like the only reason why I was living, And honestly, like the grieving process that I've had to go through is really grieving that like six year old version of me that knew that if I lost her at six years old, sorry or sixteen, but six years old, I.
Would have been devastated.
Like I don't know what I would have done to be left with my father, who I was afraid of and who I didn't have a good connection with, Like, oh my god, oh my god, I don't know what
I would have done. But the truth is, even at twenty nine years old, when I found out that she had passed away, there was a part of me that's twenty nine years old that realized, Okay, I don't have that reaching that I once had with her, even when I was kind of grieving some of the realizations of what I was losing in a parent in my twenties that I was not going to get or I wasn't
getting from her while she was here. But you know, I'm twenty nine years old now, I've created a life for myself that is a lot more safer than it was before. I'm still proud of that, and I feel really safe in my life. And so there was a natural process of me growing up and you know, kind of like not needing your mom in certain ways even though I needed her, even though I will always need her and it's unfair and it's just not it's just
it's not fair. But there was still a part of me that I was grieving a lot the first like six days of my inner child, that was within me that was like, I know, I need my mom, Like I can't live without my mom, Like she is literally like one of one, Like there's some relationships that you have in your life that is just like you don't know how to live or breathe without it.
Like, I still had that part of me that I had.
To grieve, and I'm still grieving and I'll probably be grieving that until quite frankly, the day that I pass away. So anyways, with that feeling that is within me, I can't get rid of it.
I can't get rid of it.
It's not something that you need to even get rid of. And that's why sometimes the grieving process is so difficult, because it's like, this is deep.
Pain that you can't get rid of.
You have to move through it, you have to let it be with you, but it can be so hard and so difficult to hold that you just want to run away from. It's like this thing that's on your shoulders that you just can't get rid of. And what I have learned, and I've been learning this, you guys know, we've literally been talking about this on the podcast, which
is crazy. You know, It's like, fuck, I've been going through a flare up, which is like nothing compared to this now, right, but I've been talking about how uncomfortable and difficult it is to deal with physical chronic pain sometimes and how you have to work with your body and you have to be with it and you have to accept it instead of run away from it and resistant and not want it even though it's so uncomfortable. But I've really had to learn this lesson now with
the loss of my mom. How you know, I have to learn how to be in my day to day with this uncomfortable feeling because it's not going to go away. And I think a part of this uncomfortable feeling is really not having an answer for myself right, Like there's nothing that I can really do to make this change
or make myself feel better. There really isn't It's just something that I have to feel and I have to move through, and I have to let myself sob and cry and feel that deep depression and that loss and that darkness sometimes, and it's uncomfortable to not be able to give myself a different answer. But what I was telling myself last night is like not knowing the answer is a part of the process, and it's okay to
not know. It's okay to feel this way and be uncomfortable, and all you have to do is just keep going. And it's not about bulldozing over your emotions and your feelings in spiritual bypassing or bypassing things or trying to suppress. Right, you guys know, I'm an advocate for not doing that because I've seen what it's done to people in my life when they suppress. And it's not even their fault because a lot of people don't know how to not suppress.
They don't.
I've seen it with my parents. And so the way that some people do that is, you know, when your pain is so deep, you go to something that will numb it so easily, so quickly. But there's consequences when that happens. And I've seen that, and I've learned that within my own life, and I really try and stay
away from that as much as I can. But what I have been telling myself and what I continue to try and do, even in the days where things feel like absolute fucking hell, is to keep going and keep going doesn't mean things are going to feel amazing or perfect or you're going to know the answer. Keep going just means move through it the best that you can.
Just keep going to me means being with yourself every day on sometimes a moment to moment basis, especially if you're going through a grieving process or something similar, and listening to what you need and going in that direction, and that might mean you allowing yourself to feel your shame or your guilt or the things that you didn't do right, or you know, the sadness that you might be carrying in your life from something like you allowing
yourself to feel, or you reaching out to people because you need them instead of avoiding, instead of suppressing. All of that is allowing you to keep going. And that is what I'm always trying to do in my life the best way that I can. And that is also something that my mom tried to do. I know she tried to do that as much as she could, and that is something that I'm going to continue to show up helping others, but also being an advocate of that myself.
Is to do our best to when we need it, reach out for help when we need it, allow ourselves to feel when we need to release that shame and that guilt in that whatever the darkness that continues to plague us, and to release it the best way that we can, instead of going to things that might suppress that might obviously bring us to places where we do not need to be.
And I think one.
Thing that I am grateful for is being in the generation that I'm in right now with the resources that I have, And I feel like I have many more resources than even my mother had. You know, she lived in a different day and age, and she had different traumas and she had, you know, whatever resources that she had to be able to deal with her mental health issues and all the things that she struggled with in
a different way. But I'm just going to do the best that I can with what I have, and I'm going to just keep going.
But at the end of the day, I know my mom.
Fought until that last day. And when I went to pick up some of her stuff from her room, she had this chalkboard. She, by the way, was not really a very like organized person. She was like opposite of me. I'm like a Type A person, she's Type B. But also I really love that about her because I feel like she taught me how to be like less of a control.
Freak in many ways.
But there's many reasons why I've been a control freak because I've had to be and I've had to be very responsible in my life in this that anyways, she definitely tried to be organized and you know, have like affirmations and stuff to kind of lift up her mood and this that, And I knew she was gonna have something written on that chalkboard. I didn't know what it was going to be, but I just knew that there
was going to be something on there. And when I went into her room, it said today is your day. And it just made me think about a few things. One, she was never wanting to leave this earth, really like, I just always have known that she's always fought. Even through all of the things that she's she had been through and she was struggling through, she still had that
fight in her. And I think that that is like the only thing that we can ever wish for for anyone and even ourselves, right Like, there's just going to be some people who unfortunately there are time to come when their time comes. But I think that I would hope that she would be really proud of herself that she still fought. But I also really like that affirmation in that quote because that's kind of how I view my life. As much as I can, I really look at my days like I can own it, I can
work with it. I can really make this day whatever it needs to be, even if it's a hard day.
Like I can do it.
I can if I need to allow myself to cry, allow myself to mourn, allow myself to feel deeply like I have the strength to do it. And I think that's really important to instill within yourself when you're going through things that are very hard. And that's what I've done throughout my life, right Like, obviously I've gone through really hard things, whether that is my own self confidence or all the struggles that I have been through when it comes to health or my own little vices, but
also of course dealing with my parental situation. There's been many days where I've had to look at my days and say, you know what, today's going to be my day, and this is how I'm going to navigate it. And partly how I'm going to navigate that is accepting the reality of what is, which is it's deep, it's hard, it's not going to be perfect, but I'm going to do the best that I can and that is just
going to be good enough. And I feel like my mom had many of those days, and I'm very proud of her, and I hope that anyone who knew my mom, actually, every single person who has ever met my mom has always known that she has just been such a light and so beautiful even in her darkest days, which she didn't really show many people her darkest days, which I actually think that if you're going through really dark days, please show more people in the sense of reach out
for help and don't do it alone, because you literally can't. But my mom really tried to have that mindset of, you know what, I'm going to try my best to own this day the best that I can, and it's obviously reflected even in that affirmation. So I just hope that anyone who did know my mom knew that that was her mindset even as she passed away. And that is absolutely the mindset that I will continue to have and bring along with me and pour it out to
you guys as well. And I hope that everyone who wants to honor my mom will do their best to try to adopt that mindset even a little bit more than you have, reminding yourself that today is your day and you can do it even if it's a hard fucking day, even if it's a very dark day. And when I left my mom's place, got a few of her things, actually a lot of things which I will show probably on maybe like my volog channel and or on Instagram. I have like this new bookshelf that's coming in,
and I'm honoring her through a lot of plants. She was a huge plant lover. She had a huge green thumb. My mother was so into nature, loved plants, loved the farm, loved alpacas, loved animals, children. She sometimes I think I'm like this lady was. Actually I'm gonna show this picture as I'm talking about this, because like, look at her.
She literally is an angel.
If you're listening to this on audio, then I would highly suggest you come to the podcast channel and see like just an absolute angel on this earth. Anyone who met her knew that she was an age like I just I can't like I could go on for days, but sometimes I just think, like with the darkness and the craziness of this.
World, she just like was way too good. She was just like way too good for.
The darkness and the shit that she had gone through in her life, because she was just so kind and sweet and loving and amazing, and you know she will do amazing being my angel. She is my angel. She was on this earth and she will be in heaven.
But with that said, I am going to honor her and remind her in a way that she should always be, which is a lot of light and a lot of strength, because that's what she was outside of the darkness and the addiction and everything else that you know, unfortunately plagued her. And that is another thing that I hope that if anyone knew my mom or wants to, you know, celebrate her or remember her in any way, is to just remember her when you're out in nature, because she will
be there. And that's how I always think of her. Anything peaceful in my life, I always think about my mom. Also when it comes to plants, like I got a bunch of new plants, and those are all a representation of her. And there's going to be many other things that I connect with that will always remind me of her. But I just know that she will always be with me. And you know, coming back to how amazing my mom was, she was very unconditionally loving. She was literally the most
unconditionally loving person that I have ever met. And I think that, you know, I don't know why people come down here on this earth, and I think that there's always a reason. I don't know if this was her reason or what the plan was for her, Like you know, I'll never know, I'll never fully know, but obviously I'm gonna kind of think about what's going to make me feel the best. And I think that a huge part of what she did on this earth she completed, which was to love me unconditionally.
A lot of people don't get that.
And you know, as much as I'm going to absolutely miss her, and I'm going to have to grieve this loss, and it's going to be difficult, and I think that in a few years it's going to feel I don't, you know, there's going to be times in my life where it's going to feel harder than others, depending on
like the milestones and things that I go through. But one thing that will never leave me, and it never left me even as I was kind of going through some of the grieving process of her, even in the physical realm year in my twenties, based off of like her addictions and stuff like that and the things that I had lost through that time, what remains is the love that she gave to me, and that doesn't go away.
It will never go away.
And I'm really really thankful and I feel really really grateful and like blessed that she did that despite all of the things that I knew she carried when it came to shame and guilt that one does carry.
When you, you.
Know, go through addictions or anything else. Like there's so many things that we carry within ourselves, and I knew that she did carry that. But at the end of the day, I am so incredibly grateful that I had a mom who loved me unconditionally, and you know, that comes out in the way that I learn how to love myself, and it's like a feeling that I just will never get rid of, even if I wanted to. And so I think that at least one of her things that she was supposed to do on this earth,
she did. And I hope that people remember that, the people who knew her as well, because I know there's a lot of people who also did know her for her addictions and this that at least what I am saying, being her child, that I am going to remember the good and the light that she gave to this world essentially and to me.
And she did her job okay, and.
I was actually and I'm going to bring it back to today's you Dad, I'm going to like keep that in my mind and I'm going all over the place, but it is what it is. But I do want to talk about that because there was a few signs
that she sent me. But I was talking to actually my aunt about this, and she's like my second mom, Like, honestly, he's always been there for me through the times that my mom couldn't even my other aunt, like my whole family has realistically, but I grew up very close with my two cousins and their mom.
So my aunt I call her Aunt.
Baba always, And we were having a conversation about how, you know, moving forward even though I will have to still grieve and there will be lots of these where it's hard, and there has been many days guys, like the way that I'm talking right now in the podcast is very like pretty normal. But just know that, yes, I have been down bad as one would, which is fine.
But she was talking to me about how you know, your mom is no longer plagued and having to wake up every day and battle with darkness and depression and mental health and things that she felt like she couldn't handle anymore, and she would not be at peace right now if she knew that you were down here holding that, and eventually you're gonna need to learn to release the things that are not yours, release that darkness, release that trauma, release the things that are not meant to be yours.
And realistically, that was what my mom was carrying as well. A lot of that stuff that she was running away from. She didn't know how to deal with them. But a lot of it was not hers, and a lot of it is not ours. It's generational, right, it's this constant just passed down from even if it's not our parents,
just shit that's happened in our lives. And she was talking about how let's remember the good, the light, the beautiful aspects of your mother and the things that she's given you, which I am, the unconditional love, the just oh my god, my mom's given me and made me into such a amazing woman that I just I am her daughter, and I'm just really really grateful for that, because I think that she was. I always look at her like just the it girl, the fucking amazing like
anyone who met her. Again, they fell in love with her realistically. So I love that and I will always keep that within a part of me. But she was saying, you know, even for my aunt, she had the same parents as my mom did, and they struggled with their own like addictions and things like that. I come from a long line of that. Unfortunately, there comes a point in time where you really have to look at that darkness and that depression and that you know, those dark
clouds essentially, and realize, I can let this go. This is not mine to hold anymore, okay, And you know, yes, I talk about the days where you do hold it and you do mourn that, or you do feel that through negative emotion. Is not something that we need to even suppress and run away from. It's a normal, natural part of life. But I have carried a lot of trauma. I have carried a lot of darkness from my parents that I need to release moving forward. And my mom
would want that. My mom would hate the fact that I'm still down here. As she has released that, you know, she's in heaven now she does not have to deal with that darkness anymore and wake up and have to decide whether I want to, you know, suppress or not none of that. She is out of pain. She is finally the light and love and the wholeness of who she was when she came down here.
When she was first born.
She is that now, and she would not be at peace right now she knew that I was still down here carrying that. And I think I'm just saying that because I think it's important to remember and remind ourselves that, yes, we need to work through the trauma, and it'll kind of always be with us in certain aspects. We need
to give ourselves a gift of letting go of the darkness. Okay, So if you're going through something that is not necessarily full yours, you know, that pain that is cultivated from your parents or people that have hurt you in the past, and this that give yourself some sense of letting that
shit go because it is not yours to hold. And I think that the people who love you, the people who are either looking over you or the people that are still here with you, the light parts of them, the good parts of them, they would never want you to have to hold on to this shit. You know, even if people are hurting you and they've hurt you in the past, whatever you know, there's going to be a time where if we want to become the best versions of ourselves and we want to be.
The light and love that we should be.
In this world, we have to let go of the shit that does not serve us. And quite frankly, a lot of that is not ours. It's just passed down to us. And I think that we do a good job at really working through that. That's kind of what we're doing when you guys show up on the podcast, and all the work that I have done and the things that we continue to do better our lives, but it's kind of just this allowance and this reminder to let go of that darkness.
And so what I really.
Want this year to be for me and for you guys,
is doing our best to remember the lights. For me, it's literally going to be remembering my mom in a really beautiful way through nature, through celebrating her life and the moments of just you know, finding signs from her and speaking to her, and you know, just remembering her in such a beautiful way and taking the positive aspects of her, which were basically everything, like literally everything, and channeling it into something beautiful, which I will make a
lot of things that are beautiful in this life that will be through her, and allowing myself to release that darkness that is not mine, and also to work through that negative emotion when it does come up, because that is a real part of the process.
And of course some of.
Those things are allowing myself to cry, but also to rely on people and to lean on people, and I think that that is a huge part of working with negative emotion and darkness is not going in a place of isolation, which is something that I've had to constantly
work against in my twenties. It's something that I've learned, unfortunately from both parents the way that they dealt with things, which ultimately led to I think partly, you know, having to go to something like drugs, because you know, when you don't know how to express when you feel like you're a burden, when you feel a whole lot of shame and guilt, you don't want to bring it to other people, you don't know how, and then you kind of bottle that up, and then of course it becomes
too hard to hold sometimes and then you'll go into things that will kind of numb that pain. And so I've really had to learn not to do that the way that my parents have. But I have been somebody who has isolated and who does things alone, and it has really hurt me in many aspects. It's hurt my relationships, it's hurt myself, and so I've just been actively trying to not do that. And I think that through this process, I've really learned how to not isolate myself, although very uncomfortable.
But bringing it back to today is Your Day. A few days later, I spent the holidays.
With my cousins and my aunt, and just like a few other people, I had gone back to my aunt's house before I was heading back home, and I think I was like watching something and I look up and she had this piece of art and I don't know if it was like a sunset or like a garden or something.
I don't really know.
It's kind of like a watercolor type of like piece of art. And there was a quote painted on it. And guess what the quote was? Today is your Day? And I was like, wow, Okay, these are some signs for my mom. Okay, this is like real, this is crazy, and mind you like the chalkboard today is your Day thing that she wrote, like she wrote that herself and then I went to my aunt's house and that was something that she had obviously bought from a store that said exactly that, which.
Was wild to me.
And then I go home and a few days go by, and I'm actually looking for a frame for this photo because it's beautiful and this is the photo that I'm going to have on one of these like bookshelves that I'm going to have dedicated to her. And I went to this one place to look for a frame and
they didn't have what I wanted. And then I ended up going to another store and I was looking for something completely different, and I was like, let me just go see if they have any frames, and they did, and so I was looking at them, and low and behold, I find another sign. It's not the same sign as the one in my aunt's place, completely different color scheme and font and everything, and it says today is your day.
So obviously those were some signs from my mom, and I'm sure that there's going to be many other signs, but it was a really good reminder, a positive reminder, and things that I want to continue to remind myself of when it comes to thinking about my mom. And you know what she did for me down here and how she made me into the person that I am in so many beautiful ways that will continue to.
Stay with me.
So the way that I am essentially moving into this new year is with first a lot of heartbreak, because this is the biggest heartbreak that I will go through in my life. I've always known that, and it will be hard. It has been difficult, and I actually wanted to say thank you to the literal hundreds of you guys, like I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of hundreds of people who have reached out to me, comments, dms, just everywhere supporting me and pouring so much love into me and
just being there for me. I really really appreciate it. It really reminds me of my mom every single time I get one of your messages, because the level and the depth of what you guys say to me is just so beautiful, loving and kind and meaningful that it just reminds me of my mom, like it seriously does.
And I know that it's also a reflection of the way that I've shown up on this podcast, Like you know, I've done my best to support you guys through hard times and to really try to be kind and all these things, and you know, when you go through life and you are kind and you are a good person, and you share and you do the best that you can, it will be reflected back into your life.
It just will.
And you know, partly that is my mom, you know, as much as Yak And I've done the work on myself and this that. But I've always said that my mom has taught me how to be kind and unconditionally loving. And I will say she was always nicer than me. Like there's been times where I've really had to learn how to be like a nicer person and I've like looked at her and I'm like, Okay, I need to be like a little bit nicer, you know, But that
has obviously been instilled in me from her. Which this is why I say, like I don't know what her full reason of why she needed to come down here and what her like path was and this that, But all I know is that she did one thing right, which was be the best mom that she could have been down here despite all the things that she went through. And I'm saying this as her daughter. So if anyone
wants to look at I don't know. Sometimes I think some people like hold redgigs on people who have gone through addictions, and I understand that, and I've gone through that process as well, but I'm no longer in that process. I don't hold that grudge. I forgive her for so many things. She owned up to, so many things which I am blessed that she did. But I am holding her to high regard and I respect her and I
honor her, and I am proud of her. And she did what she needed to do, which was be the best mom that she could be, and she loved me unconditionally, and it is within me. It's instilled within me, and it is now being reflected out into the world, which is a legacy. And I will continue to remember her light, her love and do all of the things that she, for whatever reason, wasn't able to continue to do. Here that is now on me, and not on me in the sense of any sort of pressure, but to.
Live out all of the good qualities of her.
And like my aunt was saying, and like I also believe, I am going to release a lot of that darkness that does not serve me, did not serve her, and I hope that also if you are currently struggling with something you're grieving something, or even just I don't know how this message is going to resonate, but you know, really taking the lesson and that darkness and seeing it for what it is and accepting it for what it is, and that's just the reality of life sometimes, but also
giving yourself the gift of releasing that and focusing your energy on the good positive qualities of that person, place, or thing or that lesson or whatever you can and turning it into something beautiful, becoming that alchemist.
I have really been that.
In many aspects of my life, and I will continue to do that even with this. Now, this is obviously a little bit different and way harder, and it's not something that I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna like learn this lesson and this is just like I'm going to be an alchemist and just see how my mom passed away and like that's that. Like it's not it's really hard,
Like this is difficult. This is not something where every day I wake up and I'm like, Okay, well I'm just gonna use this to like fuel me and stuff like that. It's different in many ways, but the reality is there are still things that I will transform and bring to the world, and I know that that's exactly what my mom would want for me. So if anything, her wish would be to not worry and not hold the darkness that she did, and you know, continue to
use my voice. My mom always was very proud of me for having this podcast, and she knew this is exactly what I was meant to do and to use my voice and to speak, and she always allowed me to even you know, some of the things I never really got into a lot of her story or addictions and things like that. I just kind of mentioned that, even like with my dad's situation and stuff like that. But she always gave me full range to speak my truth.
And you know, she owned her her stuff as much as she could, and she just allowed me to have.
Room to speak and grow.
And I think that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for somebody who allowed me to have that voice. So I hope that you guys will give yourself that voice as well, and whatever capacity that is. And my hope also is to instill that within you guys, as much as you can do your best every day to remind yourself that today is your day, okay, even if it's going to be hard. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it, and that is
all that matters. And my hope is that my podcast and any content that I put out will be your guide, your best friends, your big sister, you guys, call me all of these things. Whatever you want to look at my content as, but hopefully it will be something that will help you through the process of you trying to be okay, because that's exactly what podcasts do for me
through the hardest times. Journaling and podcasting has really helped me through the days where I felt like I couldn't do it alone versus me going to something that might have distructed my life. And again, this is no shame to anyone who is currently dealing with things as deep as addiction, the pain that you sometimes feel or you are running away from her you don't know how to deal with. I understand why you would go to something
as deep as that is. Sometimes it's difficult. My hope to anyone that's dealing with things as deep as that or even not, that you reach out for help, you get help the best way that you can remind yourself that you can keep going. And you know what I'm clearly here to do is to contribute in the ways that I know how, which is right now my podcast speaking. So with that said, that's probably all I'm going to
really say for this episode. This is not going to be the last time you guys hear about my mother. Of course, She's going to be within every single thing that I do. If you did know my mom, or even if you didn't, you want to honor her, I would love if you could honor her in the way that you feel the most inclined and most aligned to.
I think that my mom would love to know that who ever knew her or wanted to honor her would do it in a way that felt the most comfortable and just the most authentic to them.
Maybe one day you want.
To take a nice long drive, listen to a song that reminds you of her, and think about all the good times that you had with her, you know, remember her for who she is, and also try and take some of those qualities that she had and be a better person in life. Be a little bit more positive, be a little bit more kind, be a little bit more understanding, be a little bit more unconditionally loving to
other people. But mostly be a little bit more unconditionally loving to yourself, or maybe learn the lessons that she is teaching you or she taught us. Don't suppress, don't run away. And I'm not saying that my mom always ran away and always suppressed, but you know she she kind of did in some senses. And that's something that I learned from my mom as much as I could, is you know, you don't need to you don't need to carry some of the burdens that were not even
yours on yourself. You don't deserve it. So if you can remind yourself of that. My mom really loved gardening and plants and flowers. So if you knew one of her favorite flowers or plants or anything that you just think that would remind you of her, maybe you could plant one of those in your own home or in your garden. Or maybe the next time you go to a farm or you see in alpaca, just know that my mom is probably with you, because she really loved
farms in alpacas or nature. Just taking a moment outside in nature and just remembering. I also light a lot of incense that really reminds me of my mom, because that's kind of what I grew up around even my father to lighting incense. I think just like welcoming energy into my space actually makes me feel more as if
her spirit is around me. I also write a lot in journal, a lot I think if anyone, and this is maybe even if you're not necessarily honoring my mom, but maybe you're honoring somebody else, or you're grieving the loss of somebody else. Right to that person, you know, say the things that you've always wanted to say, communicate with them, talk to them. That is something that you can do whenever. And that person is not going away,
like they're really not. That's just how I feel. So I kind of like have these little portals in ways that I connect with my mom, and it really keeps
me grounded knowing that she's not fully gone. If I were to think about what my mom would really want for myself and for all the people that she knew, and even you guys, if you guys, you know some of you guys who don't know her, didn't know her, is to wake up and just continue to do the best you can and fight for yourself, fight for your life, and fight for a better life and have a more meaningful life. Thank you, again for all of the support and the love, and we're just going to keep on going.
And now I had one episode that was pre filmed before the passing of my mom, and I would like to put that episode out because I think it's really good. I don't know if it's going to be the next one or it will be the one after that, but regardless, I'll probably film a little bit of an intro to let you guys know, not like it really needs to be said, but just so you guys know like my headspace with that. If I don't mention anything in that episode, it will probably be the one that was pre recorded.
But for now, I'm just going to post episodes when I feel called to, so it might not be like the Sunday episodes.
We might get back to that.
Eventually, but I think for now, we're just going to do what feels aligned because that's what we're doing. So
thank you guys so much for listening. I know you guys will continue to keep checking in on me and all the dms and the love and the support to just know that I am very much so supported from you guys, which thank you, but also from people in my own life, which I feel really grateful and blessed to have the life and the people that I have around me, because I think that this grieving process would have been a lot different had it been years ago.
So yeah, anyways, thank you for listening, and I'll see you guys in the next one.
Bye.