179. release control, force NOTHING & gain EVERYTHING.

for me. I think it feels like that because the sun has been out in Beaming, which we're in December, so there's been days where there hasn't been sun, so it always just kind of feels like renewed energy when the sun is out. And I have been feeling so much better from my current health situation that I am slowly getting back into the routine of things and just like waking up and my body is like just stronger than it has been in the past few weeks. So

I'm feeling really good. So I hope to extend those vibes to you guys, and if those vibes are not gonna help, then maybe this episode is going to help. Okay, So we're going to talk about control and being a control freak now on Instagram, and if you don't follow me on Instagram, you should, Alicia Gogan. I also have a separate Instagram for the podcast where I post a lot of quotes, but I also post a lot of

them on my stories. I'm mainly always finding them on Pinterest because that is where I spend a lot of my time online. But I shared this to my story and it said, the biggest lesson I learned this year is to not force anything. Conversations, friendships, relationships, attention, love, Anything forced is just not worth fighting for. Whatever flows flows, what crashes crashes, It is what it is, and that quote is the way that I move through life. It is my mindset. I feel it deeply within my core.

And in this episode, I want to give you advice and talk about what has helped me be able to have that mindset, because I know not everyone is fully there yet. And it's not to say that I am like never wanting to control anything, and I don't have that part of me kind of like flare up at times, but I really do feel so just aligned to you know, you know what. I am not forcing a single thing.

I am releasing control and it is seriously such a freeing feeling to be able to have the mindset of saying I'm not forcing a damn thing, whether it is love, opportunities, money, friendships, anything like. It really is the best feeling, but it takes some time to get there, so I want to

talk about that essentially. So I realized I was such a control freak in my late teens and early twenties, which is kind of typical because you basically have to start taking more responsibility of your life, so you naturally have to take more control over your life. Now, not everyone is like that. Some people kind of go the opposite. They're very much so gut with the flow and not a type A personality. But obviously we're talking about the

type A people today, Okay. But I started to realize there was a very big difference between me just taking responsibility of my life and being just mature and getting all of my shit done and hitting goals, setting goals, and creating my dream life essentially in my late teens and into my twenties, and then this side of me that I started seeing manifest where it was just this energy of constantly ruminating on things and worrying about things

and bringing things up and berating and over analyzing and trying to control other people or control circumstances, and this obsession with outcomes and this attachment and this anxious attachment.

I really started to see that manifest in my life, and I didn't really know what to do about that, but I did start to see it like manifest in my behaviors and the way that I was moving through life, and it started to really take over my life really, like every day I was kind of bound to this part of me that just wanted to control and obsess and just be so consumed by everything outside of me.

I also knew it was getting bad when my mom would start to like say it out loud, being like, why are you worrying this much about this thing or that thing or YadA YadA, Like she started really reflecting that back to me, even a few people in my life. And once I started becoming aware of the fact that this is who I basically was, I didn't know what

to do about it. And it really just became a part of my identity for so long, until it got to a point where it became so bad that it started manifesting in things like my day to day life, when it comes to planned when it comes to my diet, when it comes to my body image when it comes to work, like all of those things, and then you just get to a breaking point right where you get to a point where it's like I literally have an unhealthy relationship with food or on healthy relationship with money

or career or relationships. I saw it in a relationship that I was in in like you know, this is probably twenty nineteen into twenty twenty, where I started to realize the dynamics and that relationship were very much so like I was in my masculine energy and I was, you know, not to say that I was a bad partner. I wasn't, but I could see myself really trying to control this guy. Mind you he was a little bit not so much of a man, so like there's that

part of it. But anyways, I started to see it really be reflected in my life, and I was like, I do not want this to be my life anymore.

It is such an unhealthy quality of life for you to always be in this because you know how it is, you wake up in the morning and you're like constantly worrying about things that have not happened yet, or you're so tied to a certain outcome that you're worried all day waiting to see if that outcome is going to happen, and then usually it doesn't happen, and then you go into that cycle again, or the constant fighting, or the constant you knowing that you're being that control freak and

then seeing it reflected in your life like it's just it's not a good quality of life. But a huge part of what allowed me to change this dynamic with myself and how I move through life when it comes to controlling things is first seeing how this is a part of me, not all of me, but a part of me that is trying to keep myself safe. And

you guys know, we were gonna go there. Okay, we're gonna go to parts work, We're gonna go to childhood in a way, we're gonna go to understanding why we do the things that we do because it has always helped me be able to change my life when I understand why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, so that I can stop myself in those moments and be like, hey, I'm acting out of this place because of this, is there a different way that we can move in life?

So obviously everyone's story is different, so when I'm sharing, I just hope that it will maybe get you to think about your life circumstance. So when I was moving out of my teen years into my twenties, like I said, it's a natural part of growing up to have to take more responsibility of your life and have to control things, and that's great, But during that time, there was a lot of unsafety in my life, Like there really was.

Not only did I have a pretty unsafe feeling in my nervous system feeling without even realizing it childhood, I was navigating life without a father, but also my mother was going through her addictions as well. So some of those really important times that I needed her or I needed a parent to teach me how to do things, or to build confidence within myself, or just to not worry about my mother's safety, those things were not really

granted to me. And so it is no wonder that I started to become this control freak in terms of trying to make sure that things in my life were going to be predictable, because there are so many things in my life that were not predictable. And as human beings, that's what we're looking for. We're looking for safety, we're looking for predictability. It is not a bad thing that that is what we would want in our lives, but this heightened level of unpredictability, it creates a heightened level

of wanting to control things because it is unbearable. It really is sometimes unbearable to not know answers, you know, to have no consistency, to have no protectability, to be worried about a parent every single day and their safety and are they coming home or you know, what's even going on. They're telling you one thing and they're doing another. Like there's a lot of things that kind of mess with your mind. And so what tends to happen is

we have protector parts within us. And this is really stemming from internal family systems, therapy parts work therapy, and will link the book down below if you're interested in that, and I write about it in my book a lot. But essentially, when things happen to us in our lives, we create different parts of us to protect us, to be able to move through hard times in our lives

or even good parts of our lives or whatever. We have all these different parts of us, and so one very big part of us is that protective part that's going to be like, you know what, Okay, I need to step in here because I feel like there is nothing predictable in our lives right now. There's nothing that is safe, and internally we need to feel safe. You have to have some sort of sense of safety. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to see every single thing in my life as something that I

can control. People, places, outcomes, situations. I Am going to try and figure out how I can control these things because that will keep me safe. If I sit here and just let things be, it will not be safe. If I don't call my mom and I just trust that she's going to come home, that's not going to be the case. That was not the case. Okay. So if I wanted to know and feel safe that my mom was coming home or I was going to hear from her, I had to be the one to go do that. I had to be the one to call

her down one hundred times. If I needed financial security, I had to go take that action. If I wanted certain things in my life, I had to go and get it. And again that's not inherently a bad thing to do, but again, when you are in the cycle of doing it, all the time. That's obviously when it becomes an issue because realistically, you can't control every aspect. You don't always know the outcome, and you have to learn how to be resilient through the times where you

just don't know. And so I look at the part of me that is that control freak as a part

of me that was created in those years of my life, and she was really just trying to protect me, and it is not actually who I am as a being. It is just a part of me that actually just tried to keep me safe. And I actually think that part of me and there were many instances where she did keep me safe and that was the only way

I learned how to feel safe. And I think that if you can give yourself compassion and grace and to see how there was a point in your life where this part was created, it will be easier for you to move through the next phase of your life. Because the truth is this, if you want to step into a new version of you, which is the person who is not such a control freak, not only is that part of you with you, and she or he whoever

is not actually really gonna leave. Like you kind of know this you've been trying to probably get rid of this part of you for a while now, or you just don't know how to work with it. But it's just going to be a lot more difficult for you to embody a new version of you when you are in constant resistance of different parts of you that actually

kept you safe in your life. And when it comes to change personal growth, it's not about seeing the way that you did this thing or that thing, or this part of you or that part of you and ridding it. It takes way more energy and way more time, and you end up getting back to square one by you

doing that. And I personally have learned in my life the way that I actually change is creating integration and understanding why I do the things that I do with love and compassion and understanding and to nurture some of these parts of me as well while also uncovering who authentically I am outside of the part of me that was just trying to protect me. Because this is not who I am supposed to be for the entirety of my life. We know this. We're not supposed to just

be the control freak all of our lives. We know this. We get to a point where we kind of have to face this part of us and say, all right, I'm ready to see you. What do you need instead of me being like, oh my god, you're such a control freak. I hate this part of you. Get rid of it, Get rid of it, get rid of it.

That doesn't work. We know that. So anytime that I am aware that I am going into this part of me that wants to control, wants to attach to outcome, it's hyperfixating, it's being anxious, I really like to stop myself in these moments and recognize that, Okay, there's this part of me that teen into her early twenties right now, Alicia, that that old version of me she's coming online right now, she's still stuck in that consciousness, that trauma, that fight

or flights. Okay, that's her experience. She's stuck there right now, and now she feels like whatever's happening in her life right now, she has to respond from that place. And I'm gonna hold her hand as this new version of me. So again I'm not looking at her and saying you shouldn't be feeling like this, but I'm also not allowing her to take over my entirety of my life. I'm saying, hey, okay,

I'm going to hold your hand here, and we're gonna explore this situation together right now. We're gonna be a little bit more mindful about what's happening right now. And I really like to speak some words of wisdom into my younger part, because this is how I look at it. My younger part is only okay with a certain circumstance. She only wants one outcome. Usually she has a very small lens in which things can be presented. It is not her fault, but that's just what she's stuck on.

But the wise part of me knows and likes to remind her that the reason why you are feeling so much of that anxiety you know, of that control like being control for you genuinely, you basically live a life of just constant like waiting and wondering and obsession is because you are so attached to the way it needs

to be. And if you had a more broader sense of how things could play out, if you allowed yourself that room, you wouldn't be feeling so much of that anxiety because you don't have this tie to that expectation as much as you used to. So instead of just operating out of that one lens, how can we basically

merge the two? And when I mean merge the two again, it's to acknowledge that we have that young part that wants to feel safe by controlling, but the wise part of you, the wise part of me, likes to take a step back and say, Okay, outside of me operating out of this trauma, operating out of controlling the situation where I know it just leads me nowhere, what is this circumstance actually calling me to see? And or what lesson am I needing to learn in this circumstance? Right now?

It's not about how can I control it? It's what is the lesson from this thing? So I'm going to give you some examples and maybe small little practices that you can implement in your life to basically train yourself how to be less in control. I also want to talk about the beauty of releasing control and how you can gain so much more than you actually think once you move from this one consciousness of who you used to be into an integrated, very wise part of you.

So what I have found is anything that I am trying to attach to or control. It's always just the lesson that I keep running away from. So for me personally, I am a huge perfectionist. I've had to learn to extend empathy and grace and compassion to others and even myself, vulnerability, flexibility, all of those lessons. You know, it's basically like you having to learn the opposite of who you are. So

let's talk about building resilience. So let's say you were facing an unexpected challenge or a financial setback, or just something that's very distressing. Typically what happens is you start worrying, you start complaining about it, you start thinking about all the negatives, just all of these things that don't get you anywhere, but basically your nervous system going right into fight or flight, and then you start acting. You know, not crazy, but you act out of that place, which

doesn't really get you anywhere. But what the situation is really teaching you is how to better navigate uncertainty and your ability to adapt and recover. So you could ask yourself things like what resources or inner strengths can I draw on to move through this right now? This response is more of a surrendering of acceptance, of looking at the situation for what it is and saying hmm, how

can I work with this instead of resist it? Right, if there's something distressing in your life when you're doing the controlling thing, what you're doing is you're actually resisting it. You're pushing it away. I can't have it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to navigate this. That is not true. You actually do another one learning patients, Let's say you're waiting for a text back, or you're waiting for a job application to be approved,

or news or whatever the case is. You could move in to your control, your younger part of you where it is very much so like you can't wait for the tax, so you double tax, you trible text, you ask, you keep rating, or you keep following up one hundred million times, or you're just stressed all day to the point where you're not even living your normal life and you're kind of being unhappy, and then you're worrying like always going to the negative circumstance and outcome this situation

right now and is trying to teach you how to trust the timing of your life. It is trying to teach you how to let things unfold naturally, without forcing, without needing an answer. So you could be asking yourself, what can I do to remain present right now? How can I use this time to grow? What can I do in this period of time as I am waiting? And this is essentially how I look at most things

in life. When anything distresses me, triggers me, makes me emotional or anxiety ridden, I honor the part of me that feels like that because it is basically track in my nervous system as something that has happened in the past that's probably very real. But also to see how whatever the thing is coming up right now, this is a moment for me to respond differently. This is a lesson that is going to allow me to become a new version of me. I am going to get a

new outcome in my life if I respond differently. This setback, this confusion, this not being able to control it, but trying to but still not being able to. There's something here that is a part of my journey. So over the years I have had to learn how to implement

small little practices throughout my life depending on what I would control or like, how I would let that manifest out and practice releasing in order for me to be able to strengthen that muscle of being able to actually not act right out of that control part of me. So I will give you like a few ideas, but of course it is going to be very dependent on what you are trying to control. But at the end

of the day, it takes practice. Okay, you're not gonna wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden never want to control anything, because again, that part of you is still within you. So doing things small and really taking something that you know is kind of the most detrimental to your life right now and slowly kind of breaking it down and practicing no longer holding such a tight grip on that, even if it's not fully is going to be the thing that allows you to eventually release

more of that control. You're gonna see yourself let that go more in your life. Some of these examples have to do with confidence, relationships, the way you move through life. But releasing control can look like, you know, let's say you aren't having the best body image day or just like physical appearance day, but you have to go out for an event or something. A practice you can do for yourself is allowing yourself to go out knowing, yeah, I actually do not look perfect today, and it's fine.

It is actually not going to be the end of the world if I I don't look exactly the way that I want. But you have to allow yourself to play with that idea in your mind, right, Like the worst case scenario, will I be okay if I go out and my hair is not exactly the way that I want. Well, let's see, let's play it out. Maybe there'll be somebody who says something, or maybe I won't

get the person that I really want. But then it's also like, if that person says something, or if I don't get the person that I really want or the attention that I want, is that really aligned to me? You really have to question those worst case scenarios and see how it really is coming from that small, minute part of you that has a small way of looking at life, and it's just not really expansive for you

in the first place. But I definitely allowed myself more room to kind of be a little bit more messy when it came to not even just like my parents, but just not being so perfect and allowing myself to go out and being like, okay, you know what, I'm not like fully loving this outfit or fully loving the way that I look. But I have to get better at that. I remember I did this when I used to edit my photos or use like Snapchat filters and

stuff like back in the day. I started to realize, like the obsession and control over taking photos and stuff no longer became fun because it was like, oh, I have to look a certain way or I have to edit this, and if it doesn't look good, then I can't post it. I didn't want to live my life like that, So I slowly started to not use filters. I slowly started to not edit my photos, and over time I got used to not caring so much. And now I'm at a point where like that's not a

thing for me, Like I don't do that anymore. Another thing, I used to be very tied to plans and how they would turn out, or like where we're gonna go and at what time and this that, And although I do need a level of knowing what time we're going at and when and this that, Like you're allowed to have boundaries and communication and expectations from people and this that, But when plans don't work out, I no longer allow myself to freak out and make it the biggest deal

in the whole world that these plans didn't work out, because if I was channeling my wise part of me, I in three seconds can set myself into being like, Okay, you could capitalize on a million other things based off of this plan not working out. And also, maybe there was a reason why this plan didn't work out in the first place. And you don't even need to take it personally if these plans don't work out. But again, it comes down to you training yourself to think and

move like that, or let's think about it. When it comes to relationships. If somebody is not texting you back, if somebody is ghosting you, if somebody is being avoidant, if somebody is just for whatever reason, whether you need them to or if they're in the wrong or not, stop trying to force an answer. Stop texting them one hundred thousand times. Practice the art of not double texting, Practice the art of not having the same argument over

and over and over and over again. And instead of doing that, look at what the situation is calling you to see. Is it calling you to hold a boundary, is it calling you to yeah, maybe communicate in a way that is not just like berating somebody, but maybe you need to actually express what you actually need in a relationship that you keep running around. Maybe this lesson is simply just the fact that you need to be

a little bit more patient in your life. Is there something you could be doing other than you trying to beerate somebody or text somebody or get an answer out of somebody else. There's a lot of other things that you could be doing other than doing the double texting. But again, you're looking through the small lens of being like the only way that this whole situation needs to work out is if I double text, Like, that's how I'm going to get the answer, That's how I'm going

to feel safe. But we know that is not actually how are I going to even be safe or feel safe even if we need to. But also the outcome

of that typically never is good. Anyways, now having this type of mindset to be able to kind of move into that wise part of you and be able to tell yourself in the moment, Okay, it's not worth double texting, it's not worth overthinking, it's not worth this that this which requires a lot of practice, like I said, but I would say daily practice on your mindset and like retraining the way that you think. Okay, because you have

to think about this. You have been operating out of your life, always feeling like the better option is to control, or the better option is like to double text. Right, it's so natural for you to do that that sometimes it's just hard to not and respond a new way. And so I do find having a morning practice or a daily practice of you kind of retraining the way that you think is helpful. So what you can do

is in the mornings. Let's say you are currently attached to something you know, like the way a relationship needs to work out, or a job opportunity or something. But you know it's not serving you to just sit and dwell and worry. You want to wake up in the morning and have a practice where you're kind of changing the way that you look at these things. Right, You're

expanding your mind to different possibilities and different outcomes. But if you don't do that, and you don't create new affirmation, you don't listen to even people who give you another way of looking at it, of course you're going to go back into controlling, because that's all you know how to do. So you have to kind of understand that you don't really have that inventory that's natural for you, and you're going to need to retrain your brain. And

so I love to do affirmations. I love to write in my journal, especially when I'm going through a very distressing time, to remind myself of what the lesson is, remind myself of different ways than I could respond, different ways that things can play out. And actually, I saw a few quotes on Pinterest, so I want to read them. And so these are some of the things that like I would be writing out if I was doing a practice of trying to retrain my brain or just thinking

about it in your head. So I'm not going to read out all of them so you can read on the screen, but I'll read out a few. The ones that I like are if it's meant to be, it will be. And I know we all kind of know that, but how much do you really practice saying that to yourself when those times come up where you are attached to, like waiting for like a relationship thing to work out or something like that, if it's meant to be, it will be, like seriously, right, But sometimes we really don't

think like that. We really don't remind ourselves of those things. Another one is everything happens for you. And this is kind of the basis of the way that I look at most things, is even if I can't see it right now, this is happening for me. There's gonna be a lesson, there's gonna be something, and I don't even need to know right now, but it is going to be for me. This is a part of the journey. Another one says obstacles are detours in the right direction.

This is another thing I always think about. The rejection is redirection thing, and it is so true. And maybe at first it will not feel like that, but understand the wise part of you that is probably a lot older in consciousness than the one that you're operating from right now. And if you can't even think about like that, take it from somebody who maybe has a little bit

more experience with this. And I'm not saying that I'm better than you or this that, but my experience will say this thing in your life is redirecting you to something better. It is okay the breakup as much as it hurts, and you can acknowledge it, and it is bad, or the person that is not treating you good, or the opportunity that did not follow through, and it's going to create some financial instability until you figure it out. All that crap is true and it is real and

it is shitty, and you can acknowledge that. But at the same time, do not strip yourself away from the potential of what will come from this thing. But the potential is only going to come if you are willing to see how. This is also a part of the journey. There is a lesson here. There is something that you

haven't seen yet. There is something that you will learn from this situation that will create a better relationship moving forward, that will create a better circumstance when it comes to finances for you, that will create a better career path for you. Okay, now let's move right into the beauty

and the benefit of releasing control. Because the truth is this, when you start to let go of how you think things need to be. Boy, does the universe, God, whatever you believe in, does it open up doors that you never even thought. This is the thing you have to understand you as a human being, myself included everyone in life that you ever know, and where you will ever meet. We only know like a fraction of how things could actually play out. And it is so normal for us

to need to know how things are going to work out. Again, the control, the trauma, this whatever, but in general, it's a normal part of being a human being. We need predictability in our lives. We have to. We will always need that or we will go crazy. Okay, we will literally go crazy. And there are things that we can predict, right, there's science, there's things that are just normal and natural in our lives. But there is a lot of things that we do not know. There's a lot of things

that we will never even discover in this lifetime. And you have to take that on and you have to give yourself that gift because there are so many ways that things could work out for you, okay, And a lot of the times we are stripping ourselves from blessings, from things that could be bigger than what we even imagined, because we have this idea of how it needs to

look or be. And sometimes the things that you're really wanting, the money, the dream relationship, the dream life is only going to come by you letting go of how you think it has to play out, and you have to understand that as a part of life, there tends to usually need to be always a part of you that allows a little bit, at least a little bit of room for the unknown, because if you are too specific, if you are too attached, you block your blessings, You

block the way that the universe wants to bring you abundance. And it's not to mean you're not going to get it, doesn't mean you won't get that relationship or that outcome, but you might be stripping yourself from even more because you are so set on it being like this. And then sometimes you get into these situations where you realize

over time, oh damn, this is actually quite restrictive. It might have been something that I wanted at the beginning, but realistically this is actually way more restrictive than I even allowed myself to have, which is fine, it's the process. But understand, releasing control allows for so much more money, abundance circumstances to come into your life. Now, another thing

that I just kind of live by as just like a rule of life is to know that life is inherently unpredictable. Okay, this is a truth that we need to just put in our minds, okay, and like move forward with in our lives. As much as you think that you can control that you have the answers that you know. And this is coming from somebody who is like not only the control freak, but like somebody who

knows a lot about a lot of things. Okay, as much as I know that I know a lot, there are just gonna be things that will continue to be out of my cot and just not something that I can predict. And that is okay. And you know why that's okay because I tell myself in the moments where I can't predict, in the moments where there's uncertainty, I'm going to have myself. I'm going to be there with myself. I'm going to hold my inner child's hand if she is afraid. I am going to seek out the resources.

I am going to change my mindset about the thing

that is happening right now. I am going to do the things that I need to do and no longer resist and no longer run away from myself when these things are inherently unpredictable, which unfortunately we didn't really actually do when things were unpredictable in our lives, right Instead, we ran away from ourselves and we tried to fix, and we try to control, and we tried to tell this person to do this and that and this, that and the third, which we don't need to be mad

at ourselves for doing that because that is what we did. Okay. That is how we learn to deal with unpredictability. Okay. It is not an easy thing to really navigate in our lives. And recently something that I learned when it came to control, because there's always things like my life depending on the phase where it's like, Okay, do you want to try and control it, do you want to be obsessed? Or do you want to just like let

things go? What's the lesson this? That is my health and my symptoms essentially, and you know, there was an idea of when I would start to feel better based off of like medication and slowing things down and healing and all that kind of stuff with my symptoms, but realistically, especially my IBD, like that is still an very unpredictable health concern to experience when you're going through a flare up that you just still can't tell, like you just

don't know actually how you're going to be in two weeks based off of like the medication that you're on, even though it's supposed to do this thing, like it is so individual, and so I had to learn to release a lot of control with the timeline of when I thought I was going to be better or have more energy or be able to go see my friends even right now, like I still am not one hundred percent. But what I do is take things more day by day. And I do that not just because it's like, oh,

I just can't. I don't know, I'm never gonna be able to like have an idea of when my life is gonna go back to normal, But I actually look at it from this place of like, well, you know, you kind of keep telling yourself that you're not gonna be good in a month, or you're not gonna be good in these three weeks or this that because of

your symptoms, which could be true. You know, I want to prepare myself, but also I could get better way quicker, and so why am I gonna tell myself it's gonna be three weeks when it could be less now it could be more. But I will be okay if it's more, right, Like I'll be okay to be with myself, but it also could end up completely different. And what I found is I was actually getting a lot better in different

ways than I even thought like. There were ways that I thought like my symptoms would even be or flare up, like, oh, tomorrow, I'm probably gonna have a sumach ach around this time, and if I eat like this, then I'm gonna have to go the way this dada da you know, typical,

it's predictable. That's basically the things I've been experiencing. But I try not to use what I've experienced in the past or yesterday even and apply it to this moment right now, because my symptoms could change, they could be a little bit better, they could flare up at a

different time, they could not even be a thing. I'm going to leave some room for that, and I'm going to leave room for that, because it is the truth of the universe in life that things are unpredictable, and as much as you think that you know, you actually don't fully know. But why am I going to create more stress for myself and more unhappiness in this present moment by attaching to an outcome that I don't actually even want, right Because realistically, you don't want things to

not work out the way that you're hoping. You don't want your symptoms to be worse. You don't want the person to reject it. You don't want all these things. But in this process, sometimes what we actually do is we just attached to the idea of it not working out. Is the they're a universe or a chance or a way of thinking about it where it's like, you know what,

maybe it will work out. And there's a few other quotes actually that I found on Pinterest that I'm just gonna read out because I think they are beautiful, and it says, but what if what if everything works out? What if it's preparing you for what you actually asked for. What if you use it as a learning experience. What if you do better then you think you will. What if it leads to something more meaningful, or you choose to love yourself more, or your hard work actually pays off.

What if everything happens in your highest good. What if you find your passion and your purpose throughout all of this. What if you take the risk and you overcome your fears. What if it's helping you row What if rejection is redirection? What if you stop making excuses and just go for it. What if nothing bad happens? What if you can change your perspective? What if you become who you are meant to be? And this is what I mean by like, that's the mindset and the training that you want to

do for your mind because you don't have that. Right you wake up every day and you say, well, what if the worst possible outcome happens? Well, what if it doesn't. How can I control the situation or how can I learn the lesson from what the situation is actually trying to teach me? Right now, I found another quote that said, look at you, no longer controlling anything or anyone because you understand that there are infinite ways for the universe to bring you what you want. Wisdom looks good on

you now. I think what helps you believe that there's other ways that things can work out is for you to have expanders, for you to open up your mind, for you to stop staying in one place. And obviously this is dependent on what you are trying to control or how you think things need to work out, but you do have to give yourself a gift and seek out opportunities to show yourself that there are different ways

that you can have what you want. There's different ways to make money, there's different ways to have the career that you want. There's different relationships that you can have. There's eight billion people in the world and not just

that one person. So it's like, what are you currently holding onto right now and how can you give yourself the experience of something else, whether that is you moving in different environments, you spending some time doing some research when it comes to different ways of doing a different career if things aren't working out, listening to other people and how they move through life. No longer putting yourself in environments in places where it's the same thing and

the same result and the same story. You really need to expand your mind now. I had asked you guys on the community tab, which definitely make sure that you're checking that more often because I'm going to continue to post questions and whatever advice you need. And also I've been posting quotes and stuff as well, just to kind of keep you guys, you know, going along. But I asked you guys about this topic of you know, how does being a control freak manifest in your life? Do

you struggle with this what advice do you need? And

there's a lot of responses, and I want to just read a few of them and kind of just give you my advice in some sense, or just like my thoughts about what a few you guys were saying. This might be tough life, this might not. I don't really know. But anyway, as somebody said, yes, I struggle with detachment from specific outcomes. I'm going through a breakup and there's only one outcome that makes me feel comfortable about the future. The rest of the possible outcomes make me anxious and

dread my healing process. So for one, of course, you want to always honor the fact that, yeah, like a breakup is a breakup, and there was a reality in which you had an attachment to one specific outcome, And that's okay, because that's kind of how we move through life. We attached to one thing and the other and this that. But you feeling uncomfortable about your future is really just a result of you attaching to one way this thing needs to be. Now, I don't know what outcome you wanted.

I'm assuming, obviously to be in the relationship with that person, but I'm sure there's a reason a rhyme, a situation, a thing that has happened as to why you guys broke up? So can you see the lessons? Can you see the self growth what needs to be kind of worked on and called on. It's not about blaming yourself, but it's really just seeing like why did the breakup happen, not just hyper focusing on the fact that the breakup happens. And then you said, the rest of the possible outcomes

make me anxious and dread the healing process. Well, what are those potential outcomes that you're saying that make you dread the healing process? And again, the reason why you're dreading the healing process is because you're telling yourself that it is going to be like this. It's going to be boring or lonely, or it's going to be hard. Why are you telling yourself it's going to be hard

or boring or lonely. Now, it might be an aspect of what a breakup could be like, we don't need to be delusional about that, But why does it have to be as hard as you're telling yourself it needs to be? Right? It's this idea of how you've maybe seen a breakup in the past, or somebody else experienced a breakup, or you've experienced it in your past, and those things can all be right, but those things don't need to be your reality. When I'm going through a breakup,

I create space for everything. I create space for the fact that, yeah, there's going to be a time where it's going to be lonely and it might not be the most fun, but there's going to be so much growth within this breakup. I'm going to learn so much about myself. I'm going to learn a lesson that I quite frankly kept not learning and kept you know, not having boundaries or you know, not speaking up in my relationship. I'm also going to allow myself to be really excited

for what is to come. There's so much beauty and what is to come outside of this breakup. Someone else

said this with a crying face, and they said, I'm such a control freak wanting everything to go so perfectly because there have very often been people in my life who haven't met my expectation in one way or another. I feel like I can't trust anyone to do stuff

but myself. I love to hear your take on this from both the relationship standpoint and business standpoint particularly, I know an important part of growing your business and doing your own thing involves delegating and trusting others, But the control freak in me wants to do everything myself, which

ends up being impossible. Can't wait for this discussion. So sometimes what I like to remind myself is, you know, this expectation that I have for these people to show up in a certain way is really a result of me not trusting that I can be okay if they don't show up. So I do like to practice that worst case scenario. Will I be okay if this person doesn't show up one hundred percent perfectly I will be.

And this is not to mean that we don't have expectations, we don't have boundaries, and we don't have ways in which people need to show up. But realistically a lot of this can be negated and kind of let go by reminding ourselves, like, I'm gonna be good if this

person doesn't show up. Let me let this person even be able to show up for me, like, let me give them an opportunity to even fail, and then I will see if I need to remove them from my life or X, Y and Z Now obviously, if somebody is constantly disappointing you, this is a lesson where you say, you know what, Okay, I need to communicate, I need to let this person go. I need to stand in my worth. I need to have somebody who is going to show up, and if they're not, we release them.

But we can't assume that people are going to disappoint us without them actually even having a chance to do that. But another thing is to understand that people are flawed, that the way you do something is not going to be the way somebody else does that, and that kind of brings it to the business thing. The whole delegation is understandable. This is me to a chord. It's hard for me to have people you know, do work for me.

But this is what I have learned. One like I just said, when you delegate tasks, you have to understand that it's not going to be exactly the way that you want it to be because that person's not you. And so it's kind of a balance of saying okay, in terms of like skill sets, does this person have what it takes to be able to do it better than me or differently? And do I like the way that they do it, even if it's different because of the results it's going to give me, which is more

time freedom. It's more like things I just don't want to do X, Y and Z. You have to be okay with things being a little bit imperfect, and this is something that you're just going to have to learn over time. I think that you'll probably learn this also if you become a parent. I'm not a parent, but listen, I know I'm very aware that my perfectionism will be tested when I have children. But honestly, my perfectionism has been tested when I've reparented myself, and I've had to

learn that. You know, there's different parts of me that require me to not be perfect. I can't possibly be perfect. It just doesn't work my symptoms. When it comes to my IBD, I can't be perfect. I can't constantly do all the things that I want based out of my ego and base out of me controlling it just doesn't happen. My body says no. There's just going to be things in life where it's a no. You have to be

okay with that. But bringing it back to delegating tasks, there are things that you will realize you might actually like doing better and you just don't want to release that control, and that's okay too. I did that with my editing. I had an editor for a long time, multiple ones, and I just felt like it just made more sense quicker, faster, more efficiently, but also just the creative aspect for me to have that be a thing

that I do. It didn't end up being something that actually made sense to really delegate in terms of saving me times, but it was that aspect, but there was still too much of that creative component where it actually didn't make any sense to have somebody take something on as big as doing editing. And I've never had an editor when it comes to logging because that takes more creativity. But it's just not something that I will delegate. Someone

else said, I didn't recognize I had this problem until I got into a relationship. It's the thing that I hate the most about my mother, as she's a control freak to the fullest extent. It usually comes in for me when other people are trying to take control consistently, almost like it's a behavior I've learned from my mother which I resented, yet I still have adopted the behavior unconsciously.

I'm definitely not high on the chart, but it manifests for me as wanting to anticipate an outcome in my favor or as I mentioned before, in relationships in places like the kitchen, activity, planning, etc. However, I do submit if someone is more stubborn and controlling than me, as

that's what my upbringing was. Like, what I take from this is seeing how you are very aware of how the part of you that is control freak is manifesting and stemming from childhood and your upbringing, which I've talked about this Like that's literally kind of like what happened. I had a very inner critic, hard inner critic that I manifested from my father's voice and this that, And then I learned when I had that that it wasn't helpful obviously, and I started to resent that part of me.

But that part of you doesn't need you to resent and hate. Realistically, that's actually like not how you're going to change or integrate. It's actually about being curious that, oh, okay, I have this part of me that came from my mother. Can I extend grace? Can I understand it? What doesn't need instead of the controlling. What is this thing trying to get to instead of the controlling? You can think

about it as your mother. There's probably a part of her that learned to control things in her life because that kept her safe in what way? What did she actually need in her life so that she wasn't obviously this huge control freak. I don't know that obviously, but unfortunately that's basically the situations that happen in our lives and especially with our parents. Like it's not too excuse, right for everything, but I think back to my dad, Like he learned to be a very strict person in

his life. He didn't learn how to tap into emotions, he didn't learn it was safe to even feel his emotions. He didn't learn a lot of these things, and unfortunately it got brought onto me. And what he needed was what he never got from his parents, which is love and attention and infection and all of this beautiful stuff. So it's like, how can you give that part of you that became your mother or your father, whoever, and how do you start to nurture and love that part

of you because that's what it needs. It doesn't need you to be like I hate you you're the worst. You came from my mom, I need you gone, YadA, YadA, YadA. So with everything I said in this episode, what I really want you to take away is this, there is a part of you that is wanting to control to keep you safe. What it wants you to do is to listen. And the way you listen is not to say how do I change the circumstance and control the circumstance.

It's to say, hey, I'm here, you're feeling unsafe right now? What did you not get in the past, and what do you need now? And for me, I didn't actually need a situation to pan out perfectly. What I needed was my mom to say it was okay even if things weren't going to work out. What I needed was

support from friends or family. What I needed was to soothe myself in the moments where it was unpredictable and I did not know how things were going to work out, and I just needed those words of affirmation to say, you know what, I'm going to be okay no matter how this pans out, this is the plan moving forward if it does, which is one, two, three, four, There's many ways that this can work out. This is working for me, not against me. This is all for my

higher good. Those are the things that I really needed to hear. I needed to hear that I was going to be okay. I didn't need to hear that it was going to pan out exactly this way. That is actually not what I ever needed. And the more you practice that, reminding your part of you that is trying to control that it's going to be okay, you will start to see your life change because you will start to release control of dropping this need of changing and

forcing people. And you do that through consistent repetition, reminding yourself in the mornings, doing your affirmation, speaking to yourself with love and kindness through this time. Stop barating yourself, Stop getting mad at yourself because you have this part

of you. When things are feeling uncertain, when you don't know how things are going to work out, remind yourself the only thing that matters and the only thing that's important is for you to come to the present moment, right now with yourself, with the lesson that is being shown to you. Even if you can't see it right now, that is okay, But it is to be here now.

It is not to be outside of yourself. The situation is not going to change by you constantly leaving yourself, You abandoning yourself, you abandoning the lesson that is to be taught. Right now, create a life where you are more comfortable with the times where it's a waiting period, where it is not fun, where it is not exactly

how you want to be. But you know what, I'm okay with it right now because I know better things are coming, and I have the patience, and I have the comfortability with being in this in between with myself

because it's myself. I can be comfortable with myself. You should be comfortable with yourself, and how you do that also is creating a life where it feels good, you know, waking up in the morning and having better thoughts and having a routine that nourishes yourself and having conversations with people that let you up, instead of creating a life where it is boring. You hate it, you're complaining, You're

telling yourself crappy stories. It's no wonder why you would rather try and control and daydream and think about all the perfect ways things need to work out. So I hope this episode helped in some way. I feel like I could have kept going in many different directions. And I know this episode is very long, but I hoped it helped. This is a journey, and I always have this part of me come up in any aspect of my life in which it is requiring me to change,

evolve a new lesson. But I will say it is quite easy for me to see the lessons, and it is quite easy for me to release that control. And I always just remind myself the moment I am trying to resist something, or like I'm trying to, like, you know, take an action where it just feels like anxiety written, or I'm trying to force things. I always know it's

the wrong decision. I always know it's not the right thing, and I just let it go and I say, you know what, listen, it is going to be a better outcome if I do nothing, Like sometimes you seriously have to just do nothing, no response, no doubt, text, no explaining, no ruminating, no nothing, go do something else. Okay. I hope you guys enjoyed, and I'll see you in the next one. Bye.