171. how to stop abandoning yourself in relationships & spiralling into your anxious attachment style.

this episode. Listen, we need to talk. We need to discuss this topic we have been discussing on the channel, but it needs to be discussed more. Which is anxious attachment, which is self abandoning, which is losing yourself in a relationship or in the phases of dating, etc. Okay, I feel like I have a good message. That's why I said Sunday Service. It's not to be taken literally, but do with it what you will. So let's start off

with a little story. Okay, And this has happened many times in my life being somebody who's been anxiously attached and triggered. And you know, when you're anxiously attached and you go into that energy of you cannot function and you cannot breathe, and you cannot be calm until you have somebody reach back out to you or that text is answered, or they text you or you get an answer. Right,

it's like that visceral. It's like a panic attack. Okay, I've had many of those times being somebody who's anxiously attached in her relationships. So let's bring it back to one of those times. Okay, there is this time that I was obsessing over this person that I was in, not an actual relationship with even yet, but I was just you know, focused on them and their attention and micromanaging every move and I was making meaning out of if they didn't text me that day, or why they

didn't respond to this, or you know. Do you know how you get when you're anxiously attached? And I remember I was doing this for about two to three solid weeks because there was also some distance between us around time,

so I feel like everything was really heightened. I feel like when you're disconnected or you don't see your person in person for a while, let's say you're long distance or whatever, you can definitely tend to get even more anxious because you don't really like see them, and you're not getting that reassurance whatever. This person was busy, this person was doing their own thing, and it was very logical. I understood that, but there was still those triggers that

were happening because I was just naturally anxiously attached. So it was ongoing. Okay. The reason why I'm saying it was like two three weeks is because I just want you to like really understand the amount of deep and utter stress that I was putting myself through every day, waking up, analyzing their behaviors, analyzing texts, wondering second guessing in my worth, wondering if they were going to choose me,

wondering if they still liked me. And I remember at the end of the few weeks that I was, you know, stressing every day and like you know, even talking to my friend about it and just dissecting everything. I hit a breaking point, as you usually do, right you get to point where you're so anxious where it's just like you end up crying, or you end up being like,

I can't even do this anymore. You just like want to be done with it because you can't really get a response, or you can't get the feeling that you really want, which is safety essentially or reassurance or whatever the case is. And I remember when I was having this breakdown, it was so visceral. It was so loud. My anxiety was so loud. I remember sitting and just crying and crying and crying. I couldn't even stop myself

from crying. It almost like I went into this like hyperventilation because I was so extremely just distraught, and I wasn't distraught really about anything that person did. I was just like so like I knew myself at that point still, like I knew that I had anxious attachment, and I already knew like why I was responding the way that I was, but again, I was still doing it. And so I just got to this breaking point of like, oh my god, I'm so tired of this and I

just can't, like I'm just really done with this. And after I stopped crying and I knew I needed to let it out and just keep crying and let it out and let it out and let it out, I was like, holy shit, my anxiety and my emotions they're so loud right now, and they're so loud right now, because it's really this deep reflection of how much I've abandoned myself the past few weeks, and this is how I like to look at it, and this is kind of how I looked at it when I was in

that situation. It was almost like my inner child needed her needs met, and I was trying to get her needs met only by this other person, which is never good because no one can, ever outside of you, always meet your needs in the most flawless way, even if you're in a secure, healthy attachment, Like it's just kind of impossible to always want. That doesn't mean you don't want, that doesn't mean that people need to show up a

certain way in your life. Yes, but realistically, I was putting all my attention and trying to get my needs met, my inner child's needs met by getting that reassurance and getting that love and getting that validation from this person. And mind you, during this time, we weren't even in a committed, solid relationship, so it was a little bit hard to even do that. And I knew that logically because it was like the beginning stage is kind of

a relationship. So I was realizing, like, wow, I was dishonoring myself and abandoning my inner child who needed her needs met by going outside of me and looking for those needs and somebody who couldn't really even do that. And this person, by the way, wasn't even a toxic person. But I was so obsessed with that person and my attention was on them so much that no wonder, my inner child felt like she had no other option but

to just break down and cry. And the cries were so loud because I wasn't even listening to her, I wasn't even connected to her. Every single day I woke up and I said, I'm gonna abandon you, and I'm gonna put my attention on this person and I'm gonna watch them, and I'm gonna wait, and I'm gonna wonder.

And on top of that, no wonder her anxiety, no wonder, her emotions were so loud, and no wonder, she felt like shit because you know what else I was doing as I was having my attention on that person and waiting and wondering and am I deserving? And are they gonna pick me? And are they gonna text me? What that message sent to my inner child was You're not good enough, you don't deserve love. Maybe you'll get it. Maybe you won't imagine how that part of you feels.

When every day you wake up and you wait for somebody to text you, you wait for somebody to choose you, you wait for somebody to love you. It's no wonder you get so anxious. It's no wonder you feel like shit. It's no wonder you start acting out of these behaviors. Every day, I chose to leave myself. Every day, I chose to put my energy on every single other thing in my life other than myself and my own needs and my own wants. And also every single day I

was telling myself, you're not enough. And so, if you've ever been through this situation, and I've been through it many times, I want to give you some advice. And the first thing that I actually want to say to you is you are not a flawed human being, because that's the type of dynamic that you get into. You have learned to be anxious, You have learned to second guess yourself, you have learned to wait around for people to choose you. For me, when I was younger, this

was very prevalent. With my father, I learned that my needs didn't matter. I didn't get that reassurance. I didn't know if he was going to be consistently showing up for me. So I learned that with love, to gain someone's love, you must wait, You must let them decide. You must second guess your own worth. You probably aren't deserving of love to begin with, and so when you get into dynamics when you're older, that is what plays

out your attachment styles. Now, that could be with a father, it could be with your mother, it could be with whoever, even just your closest caregivers, or it could just be from past relationships. But realistically, your past relationships are still

stemmed from those early childhood attachments. So I want you to give yourself love and compassion and to understand the part of you that kept leaving yourself, leaving your inner child, leaving the real deep needs of love and connection that you do deserve and that you do need to have met. Understand that that part of you just learned how to meet your needs in a way of going outside of yourself and saying, Okay, who can help me, who will

love me, who will whatever? Because that's what you learned to do. When you're younger, you waited around for love, you waited, and in a lot of the times you

didn't even get it. Now, I'm going to give you a few tips of what I have done in the times that I get triggered and I'm in that state of that story, like I just said, And I'm also going to give you a lot of really good tips that I feel like can be helpful for the times that you are in the dating stages or you're in a relationship currently, even if you're in a situation, but genuinely, even if you're just like not necessarily as triggered as the story that I just told you, because I think

that this is a journey, it's a cycle. It doesn't mean that you implement one tip and then all of a sudden you never get triggered again. I still get triggered sometimes into my anxious attachment. But I feel like the tips and the advice that I have that I'm gonna give to you guys, has really helped me pull back and not act out of that anxious attachment and kind of make everything a little bit more messy than it needs to be. And I'm able to kind of be with myself a little bit more so. When I

was in that breakdown, and I realized, Wow, the reason why my anxiety and my emotions are so loud right now is because I've abandoned myself. Like I'm not with myself, I'm with him. I'm with my energies with him every second of the day. I realize, the only way that I'm going to feel happy right now, the only way I'm going to feel at ease. Actually, let's take away happy, because that's not even what I'm trying to be right now. Is even happy. I just want to be stable, right like.

I just want to feel like not like shit. I can't wait around for this man to come back into my life or give me the validation or give me the text, or give me whatever, because I know I'm smart enough to know that even when he comes back and he does that, I'll still be anxious as soon as he leaves again. And I don't mean leave as in unhealthy. I mean leave because it's a healthy, secure attachment, and he has his attention on something else, And honestly, I don't want to be at the mercy of someone

else's energy. I don't want to only feel good when I get that text back. I want to feel good right now. I do not want to have to wait around all day and wait for that text to put me at ease. And please, if you're in that state right now, or you have been, or you sometimes get into that state, I really hope that you make that a goal for yourself, to learn how to put yourself at ease without the need of that person giving you

that energy back. And I'm gonna disclaim this here. It doesn't mean that that text won't feel amazing when it does come okay, And I just want you to like tell yourself that message as well, it's okay. If there's a part of you that still wants that message, of course you're gonna feel a little bit better. And of course things would be actually even better if they did text, you know, or if they did come back, or if

you did get their energy. Yes, but I want you to take back your personal power and I want you to show up for your inner child that needs you. Your inner child does not need you to wait around anymore for someone to choose you or to love you. And I think about the time when I was younger, and I sat and I was lonely, and I was waiting always for love, always waiting for something from my father, something from my parents, just waiting. I was also an

only child. I have half siblings, same dad, different moms, but we didn't live in the same house, so I was alone a lot of time. I just remember just waiting and waiting and just being so alone. And what you can give yourself now as an adult is that gift to your inner child of baby. We're not waiting anymore. We are not waiting for anyone to choose us. We are not waiting to have fun, we are not waiting to be happy. We are going to build a life where we can feel good right now. I want you

to save yourself. So coming back to yourself requires you to let go for a moment, detach from that person or that circumstance that's triggering you that you've had your attention on. For this case, I will just give that example as a person, and I'm saying a man just because I date men. Somebody left in my comments asking if I was homophobic because I say that I am a woman and I date men. I just want to

make this very clear. The only reason why I even say that is because when I don't say that, and I just talk from experience, people will be like, why can't you use examples of dating women or this that I don't date women. I have nothing against anyone. Okay, I just don't date women, so I'm not going to speak on that. Circumstance. Does not mean that I do not like all types of people. Okay. I love everyone seriously, and if you don't think that, then I'm sorry that

that's what you think. But absolutely not. I am simply just speaking from experience. I date men and I identify as a woman, so that's where I'm coming from. But I always say you can take my advice and you can flip it and you can use it to your own circumstance, whether you date women, whether you date men, if you're a man, whatever the case is, everyone is welcome. Please do not get offended by anything that I say.

And when it comes to that, so anyways, when I see myself being in this anxious, attached version of me, and I'm saying version because it's just a part of your story, it's not who you are entirely, which I will talk about at the end as well. I had to detach from the man because I knew that, like even if he did text me or whatever, I'm just gonna go back into this ancient attachment style as soon

as I don't hear from him again, you know. And also I want to be I want to have my power right now, so deattaching from the situation and first assessing if this person is somebody who is healthy and you are just getting triggered, or maybe seriously you are, you know, getting more triggered than you need to be. Even if you have anxious attachment, you're getting more triggered than you need to be because there's actually a real

reason to be triggered. And I know sometimes it's hard to discern that, but I know times where I'm just being triggered by distance or less communication in the beginnings of let's say a dating phase with a healthy man, and I just I know it's just a natural, like healthy progression of a relationship where not every single second you're talking and I have to like remind myself of that. Or if genuinely I'm talking to a guy and he's really avoidant and this is a pattern and he keeps

going up post. I think that that's important for you to discern if you can, because I think it can help your logical brain understand what is going on. Are you dealing with somebody who's clearly avoidant and triggering the f out of you? And in that case, do you really even want to put your time and attention and abandon yourself, your beautiful self, for somebody who's not showing up for you. And I think about this in terms when it comes to like my dad, It's like I

never deserve that. My beautiful little soul as a child did not for one second deserve to second guess herself and wait around for love. She did not deserve that. Unfortunately I couldn't walk away from that because he is my father. But now in my life, in my adulthood life,

I am not dealing with that. Okay, So see where you're at with Is this a person that's way more avoidant, they're not taking responsibility and like they're ghosting you, or is it this person who maybe you're just progressing naturally and there's some distance. And if there's some distance, understand that this is a normal part of what dating or even relationships or building a secure attachment style is. Just sit with yourself for a second and discern that and

decide which one it is. But regardless of which type

of person you're even dealing with. This is where your work starts. When I am triggered, I go right to my self concept. Okay, first, actually, when I'm triggered, I usually let myself cry and then I realize, oh my gosh, I'm banding myself and oh my god, I'm so sorry, inner child. I will not leave you again. Things like that, and if you leave her again, it's fine, that's a natural part of being a human being. But I like to come back to my self concept because this is

what happens when you're triggered as well. Okay, Like I said, that second piece of the messaging that I was telling my inner child when I was obsessed over this person was You're not good enough. He probably doesn't like you, he's probably losing interest, etc. Etc. That Right there is a deep reflection of how you look at yourself. So right now, you have pretty low self esteem. Right now, you don't really look at yourself like you are the it girl. Right now, you don't really back yourself. You

lost a lot of your confidence, babe. So what I like to do is I'll take a journal. I will even talk to a friend if they can kind of give me that support or advice or I'll even go to a podcast, whatever you got to do. Right Again, we're detached from this person. We don't need the validation from this person. It doesn't literally matter because we can do this ourselves right now. But I want you to take this time to remind yourself of who you are,

because holy did you forget that? Did you forget how beautiful you are? How unique you are, how kind you are, how attentive to other people's needs that you are, How good of a girlfriend that you are or you could be, or you are becoming, or what about how committed you are to your healing journey, your self transformation. You're waking up and you're trying your journaling, you're working on your mindset.

You're going to the gym sometime you're not going to the gym because you know, you're going through life and you're being a human being. So what you should love that about yourself? You should love that about yourself, that

you are a flawed human being. Yep, I make mistakes sometimes, And you know what, if I can accept myself and I know that I leave room for mistakes and errors and being a human being, someone else is gonna love that because they're gonna know that they can be a human being as well, and they don't have to show up one hundred percent of the time, perfect, flawless, and

they don't feel pressure to be anyone but themselves. And that's not from a place of you're gonna let people in your life and they're not gonna show up the way that you expect or you deserve. It's not about that. But people love people who are real and you are real. Or have you ever thought about when you first started dating this person or having some sort of whatever you have with this person, the confidence and the state of mind that you are in right before you met them,

and what attracted them to you. Remind yourself of that person because they were attracted to you just being yourself right you showed up, however, you showed up in that relationship, and that's the energy that you should keep. So remind yourself of that. And you really need to have a practice of this. You really need to have more of a practice of looking at yourself in a beautiful light and reminding yourself of who the f you are versus spending all of your time and your energy focusing on

someone else. And questioning your worth. You're spending so much time questioning your worth when you could be spending all of this time reminding yourself of your worth. So this is what I need you to do in those times that not only you are triggered, because I think that it really really helps snap you out of it, but also this is something you should be doing on a daily basis, which I bet you you weren't. And I remember when I was going through that spiral. Damn no,

I was not. I didn't make those times a journal. I wasn't really talking to myself kindly and honestly, if I even think about my habits, I wasn't really on my shit. And that's another thing. Getting back on a routine, taking care of yourself, getting the proper sleep, listening to positive affirmations and music, and keeping your spirit uplifted. You have to raise your vibration. Your vibration is very low

right now. And another thing that I like to focus on when I'm triggered and when like I've really lost myself and like I have this person on a pedestal and I'm valuing them so much, and this that I like to remind myself of what it is that I'm looking for in a relationship and what I deserve, which usually can come after you've kind of like spoke some life into yourself again, like, actually he does like me? Actually, what is there not to like? Actually, we're not doing that,

you know what I mean? Like, we're just gonna let go of those low self worth thoughts because they are not actually meant for me. It's it's complete lies. It's complete lies. We're not doing it, but making a list or just thinking about the type of guy that you want to be with or girl whoever you're dating. Who do you want to be with? You want to be with somebody who looks at you like you are one of one. You are amazing. Nobody can compare to you.

You just have that something. You have, that spice, you have, that flair, you have that hmm. You know, no one can really compete with that. And you know, even if that person decides if you have in your head right, maybe you have in the head. Oh well, what if

they like someone else? Is that no one will compare though? Yeah, maybe okay, they'll go meet somebody else, or maybe they you think that they like someone else or this that, or maybe you don't but if you do okay, and you're going to be the better option, You're going to be the better option because you have that connection with them, and you're amazing and you're kind and you're loving, and

you're smart, and you're funny, and you're this, and you're that. Okay, remind yourself of that, but also remind yourself the man for you or the woman for you is the person who knows your worth and see your worth and wants to be with you and shows you commitment and shows you affection and shows up for you consistently and wants to do this with you. So if you're not getting that,

maybe it is that avoidant. Remind yourself of what you do deserve and you will find this avoidant person becomes kind of an ick to you because the avoidant person is not for you. Can you please understand this if you are dealing with somebody who's avoidant, or if you're dealing with somebody who's like wishy washy, or if you're dealing with somebody who saying, I don't know if I want to commit. This person is not made for you.

And this is what I mean. I'm not saying that you can't get commitment from this person, but that version of them should not even be in your awareness. You should not be getting upset or triggered or second guessing your worth against somebody who doesn't know what they want or is not on their shit, because you deserves somebody, and the person for you is going to be the

person who is sure about you. That's it, that should be your standard for you is the person that is sure about you, that is showing up, that knows your worth. But guess what, you're not really going to find that unless you know that you are worthy, that you know what you deserve. So you need to remind yourself of what you deserve in a relationship. You deserve commitment, you deserve someone showing up, You deserve communication, you deserve X, Y and Z, and ground yourself in that and get

excited for that. And so the excited part kind of comes from if you, let's say, or dating somebody who is it's probably just like normal and healthy and like a natural flowing into like dating and relationships. Ground yourself in the knowing of what you expect and deserve out of a relationship, and let that person meet you where you're at. Stop chasing, stop second guessing yourself. Stop waiting, stop wondering. There's nothing to wait for. There's seriously nothing

to wait for. You're doing yourself a disservice if you're doing that now, hopefully by you doing the practice of emotionally releasing, letting it out if you need to, and also journaling self concept, it's reminding yourself of your worth, getting on your routine, reminding yourself that you are that girl. And if this guy, this girl, this whoever don't want to see that or can't acknowledge that, that's good. I am not trying to chase you. I'm not trying to

convince you of my worth. We're not doing that. We're too old for that. I don't care if you're eighteen. I don't care if you're sixteen. I don't care if you're forty years old listening to this podcast. We're too young, we're too old. I don't care to be doing that. Now. Here's some more advice and reminders on the times that you are in a relationship, you're building your relationship with someone, you're in that stage, you're in relation to somebody for one.

Like I've already mentioned, you are not your anxious attachment style, and even if you're listening to this and you have an avoidant attachment style, or maybe you have both, because I do that. Yes, is a part of your experience, but it doesn't need to be your identity. Okay, you can decide right now that you know what. No, I'm actually good. I actually don't need to be anxiously attached. I actually don't need to be the version of me who waits for or text I don't need to do that.

I'm better than that. I'm worth more than that. My inner child is worth more than that. Number two, I

want you to get comfortable with silence and space and time. I think that this is something that helps me breathe a little bit when it comes to being in a dating phase and building attachment with someone. Is reminding myself that I don't need to rush things. Okay, I don't need you to text me right the second or else what I'm gonna die. No, I don't need to have that conversation with you right the second. I don't need anything. It would be nice, Yeah, for sure, it would be

nice to hear from you. Communication. Is that standards, expectations, boundaries, Yeah, yeah, yeah obviously, But there seems to always be this time urgency when it comes to being somebody who gets into that anxious attachment behavior, and you kind of need to check yourself and remind yourself when it comes to dating that it's okay that there's space and there's time. It's okay that this person didn't get back to you right away. It's okay that you don't see this person every day.

It's okay that there's some time and distance. You need to ground yourself in your self concept. You need to remind yourself of who you are. You need to bring your attention back towards yourself also, and you will find you won't even be counting down those seconds. But realistically, in a healthy relationship, a natural progression of a secure attachment style. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time.

And I've done a lot of I don't want to say research because it's not really research, but I've gotten from what I can tell, from what I can see a lot of perspective with people who do have healthy relationships. And I always ask people who have healthy relationships or

I mean whatever, No relationship is the healthiest. You know, everyone has their issues, But I ask the people in my life who are either married or insecure, like they're incommitted relationships and they've been together a long time, and the common denominator kind of was two things. Actually. One, yes, they actually did get triggered a lot at the beginning.

And I can say this even from experience. So if you feel like you're getting triggered, even in like a quote unquote healthy relationship, and you're wondering if it's even healthy because you're getting triggered, understand that that's usually like what happens. But two, sometimes it goes a lot slower than you think. And sometimes like you wonder if this person's even for you, if there's no like instant spark or you're obsessed with this person, or there's mad chemistry,

it's more of that slow burn. It's more of the Okay, this is taking some time, and now I'm wondering if this is even worth it, or if this person even really likes me, because we're not diving into it in three seconds. But I do want you to think about your past, and I do want you to think about how you tend to be sometimes when you're anxiously attached and or you're with somebody who's maybe love bombing and stuff is going fast always the best thing in a relationship,

sometimes not not all the time. You want to get to know this person. You want space for yourself so that you don't lose yourself to your anxious attachment style. Now, this kind of piggybacks to the next thing, which is

having boundaries for yourself and your self care and your routines. And this should be established all throughout your relationship because this is a thing. Even if you really like this person and you guys are vibing and you have so much connection and like passion, and you know they're even available to see you all the time, and you're available to see them, it's not to me and you don't go into the direction of love. Okay, we love it.

We love that like euphoria feeling of you know whatever. Okay, we get it. But especially when you have a tendency of being anxiously attacked, I want you to really try your best to make sure that you still have boundaries, because, like I said, you don't want to lose yourself to your anxious detachment. So if you are available to see somebody all the time, it doesn't mean you have to

see them all the time. This is not about playing a game, but it's about choosing yourself as well, because this can get you into a slippery slope if you are available all the time for someone and that person even is for you. But let's say you are always available. So if they call you at any time throughout the day or even at night, and you really want to see them, if you keep doing that, you will find you will start to get into your anxious detachment style

really quickly with this person. And then, for whatever reason, if they don't call you that night, or if they go away for a work trip, or if they have their own life, most likely you're going to get even more triggered because you have spent all of your attension, all your time with that person, and you haven't practiced

bringing your energy and bringing your off back. So, although yes, you might want to spend all this time together and you want to be with this person all the time, what I have found in my own personal life, Okay, take my advice or leave it. That's fine. It's okay to say no, it's okay to have some boundaries, it's

okay to wait and to have that time again. And realistically, I always think about this when it comes to dating somebody who let's say they're calling you at ten pm and they're like, hey, do you want to like chill for a bit? That maybe it's a healthy guy. Okay, I'm not talking about a Netflix and Chill type of booty call guy. Okay, we're not even talking about those guys.

It could be healthy guys. It could be a guy who just likes you and you know you hang out all the time, and you've had a million dates and you know you're like serious about him, and he's serious about you, and he is calling you here and there and he wants to see you at this time. But ten PM's your bedtime. Well, first of all, ten pm is your bedtime, So why is it that you aren't having that boundary? Ten pm is your bedtime. This is when you're going to sleep. Okay, so that should just

be first and foremost. But again, if you say yes every single time when this person is calling you, not only are you not prioritizing yourself, but what you will tend to find, like I said, is the more times you do that, let's say, in a couple of days, when they don't call you to hang out, Now you're going to be second guessing yourself and wondering because you might have formed that attachment and you might have fallen

into your anxious attachment style again. So it's just to really discern who you are as a person, and you know, if you're somebody who's secure and stable and you can do that, that's fine. Then obviously this advice is not for you. But I have found prioritizing myself first. It's not about withholding happiness. It's not about withholding wanting to be with somebody. It's first about choosing yourself. If my routine is I go to sleep at ten pm, then

why is it that I'm choosing somebody else over myself? Now? If my bedtime wasn't at ten pm, and I literally had nothing to do, and that person asked me, and I felt like inclined, and I I wanted to sure,

I'm gonna go do that. But usually when you do it from that place, you don't find yourself falling into your anxious attachment style because you weren't doing that based out of oh my gosh, I should go and hang out with you, because if I don't hang out with you, I don't know when you're gonna come back, and I don't know if you're gonna call me in three days, and I really want to see you, and I don't feel like I can choose myself and you still show

up the next day. Okay, So you need to know when you're saying yes, the thing's based out of well, if I say no right now, that means you're not gonna love me tomorrow, or simply I don't really have anything to do anyways, and I want to see you, and it has nothing to do with me going over to your house because I think that you're gonna leave the next day. So really, just know yourself. Okay. The

next thing requires some maturity and it requires you to remove your ego, and that is you need to be okay with your partner having their own life, and you really got to stop taking it personally. When they do, it is not them rejecting you. It is not them not wanting you to be a part of their life.

If they go with their friends sometimes and you're either not invited because maybe you're just not part of that friend group yet, or maybe this person's going out with their boys, or maybe it's like a family function and maybe you guys are not whatever it is. Obviously, if you're in a deep committed relationship and they're not inviting

you to anything, then that's another story. But I find I've been there where sometimes many times I've taken it very personally, and I felt this sense of rejection because they were taking time for themselves, and they had boundaries for themselves, and they prioritize theirselves, and you have to think and wonder, It's like, how is it that I'm not okay with somebody setting boundaries for themselves and taking

care of themselves and having their own alone time. Well, that's probably because I don't even do it for myself, and I don't even prioritize that. I don't prioritize my own long time. I don't give myself that, I don't give myself a second debrief. And I find once you really do spend more time alone and you prioritize yourself and you have boundaries, and you realize that it has

nothing to do with them. When you want to choose yourself but you still want to be with them, you can still be with yourself and still want to be with somebody else. You will find when they choose themselves, it doesn't mean it's a personal thing. It doesn't mean anything other than they want to choose themselves. And I always think about this. A healthy relationship requires you to have your alone time, It requires you to have your own life, and it does not mean that you can't

mesh your lives together. And a lot of relationships, like when you actually come together, you usually do share social circumstances and things like that. So obviously, again it depends on what we're talking about here, but it's okay for you guys, not to be together all the time. Do not take it personally. Do not take that as rejection. Understand that this person is a human being just like yourself. You have needs and wants. You might not be somebody

who meets them. But guess what, use this as inspiration. This person meets their needs in healthy ways. This person has their own alone time. They want to have a trip with their boys once a year, they sometimes go out with their colleagues or whatever. It's okay. It doesn't mean that they don't like you. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. It does not mean that Unfortunately, you have probably learned that if you do choose yourself,

or if you do love yourself. There might be consequences for that, or you might be nervous that if you choose yourself or if you love yourself, will this person stay. Maybe this person didn't. Maybe this person in your life, whether it was a parent, caregiver, any sort of caregiver, or past relationship, this person didn't allow you to have

these boundaries. You didn't learn how to say no and choose yourself and have that other person also understand that you're still choosing them, but also coming back to losing yourself to your anxious attachment style. You want this, You want somebody to have boundaries and meet their needs. You

want that space. Okay, you do want that space. Because again, if you're with each other twenty four to seven, if you do every single thing together, if you go for coffee, you go for lunch, you go for dinner, you do everything. Every single weekend, you hang out all the time every weekend. Friday Saturday is Sunday. Friday Saturday is Sunday. This that glued to the hip. What do you think that's going

to happen with you? If you have a previous experience with being anxiously attached, probably you're going to fall back a little bit into that codependency. Now. I understand there's relationships where it works. You guys are best friends, whatever. And if that's the case and it works for you, that's great, But honor yourself a little bit and give yourself some time. In my personal opinion, I do not look at my partner to be every single thing for me.

I want to have my best friend be my support system. I want to have connection with my mom, I want to have connection with other friends. I want to have my own hobbies, my own interests. I have projects on the go, I have my job, my career, I have a full life, and I don't need this person to be in every single intricacy of my life. It doesn't mean that this person is not attached to it through me, but it doesn't mean that I need to have this

person always be at the forefront of these things. When I'm in a relationship, a lot of the times, the man that I'm with is very supportive of these things. He's cheering me on, he loves to see me win, he loves to see me doing my own thing. And honestly, I'll just say it here, a lot of the healthy men that I have dated and There's been a lot of guys that I haven't been like dated that were like, you know, that healthy but whatever. I wasn't really that

healthy either. But a lot of the guys that I've dated, even if they weren't really that healthy, they've always I've found this, They've always had this sense of like getting really happy and excited to see me win and like to see me grow and evolve and like have my own thing going. I think, for the most part, like men, I think that that's a really attractive quality in women when they have their own thing going. I think it's attractive.

And I can say the same thing about men, like I think it's honestly very attractive to have a man who has a passion or he has a hobby, or he's into a sport, or he's killing it with his career. Like I'm sitting by the sidelines being like, damn, babe, you go do that. I don't need to be a part of it. I don't need to be there up all in that all the time. No, I'm gonna be like, I'm cheering you on, let's go. It's all good. But I don't need to be in the mix of everything,

you know, what I mean. Now, another thing. I basically

already addressed this when it comes to time and taking things slow, but I just want you to remind yourself that if you are wanting a long term relationship with someone, a marriage, family, all of this right when you're thinking about your future. And I hope you guys are thinking about your future, because I think most of us probably date pretty intentionally. These things take time. It takes time for you to learn this person, and it takes this

person to understand who you are. It takes communication, It takes those little bumps in the road. It takes you getting triggered sometimes and then you communicating your needs. It takes some time, So give it some time. Okay. Next thing,

This is very very helpful for the ones who are anxiously attached a lot and you're waiting for the guy to make the first move and the second, and the third, and the fourth and the fifth. I understand the want and the longing and the desire to always have a man chase you, and always have somebody show up for you, and always have a man pursuing you. It's great, it's lovely. I understand that energy of like the feminine and the masculine.

I get that, But if we're talking about a healthy, real relationship, if we're going to bring it down to reality for a moment, when you are somebody who is anxiously attached, most likely you don't speak up. Most likely you sit around and you wait. Most likely you don't

even know how to communicate your needs. So if you are that type of person, that advice sometimes is not the most applicable to you, because you need to be the one to show up for yourself and to communicate and to meet your needs, which means sometimes you need to be the person who reaches out. And I don't mean reaches out and like asks to go on dates and things like that. I'm not even talking about that

kind of stuff. But I'm talking about if something is bothering you in a relationship, If you're waiting and you're stressed and this person doesn't know it, it doesn't mean that you freak out on them. It doesn't mean that we're going to them and hoping that they are going

to ease our pain. Right Like, if I just get the text message, if he just tells me that he loves me and this that right, We're not really even doing that but there are going to be some times where you need to let this person know, Hey, I'm feeling like this, I'm wondering if we can have a conversation, or simply maybe you just want to see this person, maybe you want to go for coffee with this person. You don't have to always wait for this guy to

text you. You can make that first move. And I know it can maybe sound like a little bit like Ooh, I don't know, because society creates in our head. Oh, he should pursue or he should be the to reach out. And I understand that and I want that too, Like I love that in a man when he takes that

initiative and he takes that first step. Yes, but when you are somebody who doesn't speak up and who is a people pleaser, it is sometimes important for you to make that first move because you will show yourself that you don't need to be afraid. Because when you're anxiously attached and you are waiting around, or you're a people pleaser, or you just like don't voice your needs, you're really

afraid of rejection. Also, it's like, well, if I say this, I'm afraid he's gonna say no. Like if I ask him to come over, if I ask him to go to coffee, or if I text him, what if he doesn't respond, or what if he says no? Or this that you're afraid, you're afraid of You're afraid, but you can't keep operating like that in a relationship like you can't keep doing that. So the only way that you're going to get over that, and you're going to overcome this fear is for you to actually take those steps

out of the fear. So you're gonna need to show yourself, you know what, I'm going to be strong, and I'm going to be fear, and I'm going to ask this person something or I'm going to communicate something, or I'm going to reach out to this person, and you're going to tell yourself, you know what, if this person doesn't respond, if this person rejects me, is this person really for me?

You really have to ask yourself that, because your husband, your future husband, or your future whoever, is not going to reject you when you ask to go to coffee, or when you text them and you're just really happy and you want to say hey, but they haven't texted you yet, that's not going to be your future person, And do you really want to create that type of dynamic with someone where you're so afraid to message them that the only time you ever have communication with this

person is when they reach out to you. No, you don't, because if you're in that circumstance, most likely every time that they don't reach out to you, or every time you do not see them, you're sitting there wondering and waiting when they're going to show up for you, if they choose you, if they like you, or when they're going to come back. So you need to be more resilient, and you need to show yourself that when you ask for something and when you want something in your life,

you will get it. But the only way that you do that is if you take that action. You should be able to reach out to somebody. You should be able to communicate your needs. You should have somebody want to meet your needs. It should be a pleasant expectation that when you want something it gets received. That's exactly what you're wanting in a relationship. So instead of just constantly waiting for that person to make you feel happy,

do it yourself. And this is what I mean by yeah, of course we need validation and love an attention from somebody, So go get it. Don't be afraid to go get it. If you need a little bit of loving today, go get it next thing. When you are triggered and your

anxious attachment, because it will happen, it will happen. Please stop trying to be an independent girl or guy or whoever and deal with things yourself, because you will get yourself stuck. And what I mean by that is when you're anxiously attached, a lot of the times, it's hard for you to even discern whether you're with somebody who's

healthy or not. And it is good for you to have somebody to lean on or support system to lean on and to help you look at things logically, so you can first discern if you're with somebody who's just not treating you right. But in general, in order for you to get out of this cycle of being somebody who's always anxiously attached, you need to respond differently to your circumstances. But you're gonna do the same thing you always do if you just always deal with your issues

by yourself. And I can even say when it comes to let's say I'm in a situation with a guy, and we're kind of like going in a somewhat direction

and hoping that we're gonna get in a relationship. If he hasn't reached out to me, or if he isn't communicating with me because I'm this people pleaser and I'm too afraid of rejection or I'm too afraid if I say something, then oh my god, I don't know if he's gonna like me or this that I'm gonna just keep it to myself and I'm gonna wait around, and I'm gonna sit and wait for him to come to me.

Not only am I dishonoring myself and I'm staying in this anxious attachment and like very triggered when I don't need to be, I'm also not allowing my relationship to progress into something healthy. Because in this moment, this relationship requires me to communicate. It does. It really does. Regardless of if this person is gonna be with and stay with me or not, whether this person is healthy or avoidant, whatever the case is, this actually requires me to respond differently.

It doesn't require me to sit around and wait for somebody to address a situation. It does require me to potentially have a conversation. But if you always are somebody who deals with your issues alone, you're probably just not going to do it. So sometimes going to a friend or somebody that you trust, somebody who has really good advice is really helpful because not only can they help you see things logically, but they can push you into

doing a new behavior. And my best friend Juey for sure has help me with this because I tend to way lean way lean on being a people pleaser and like that fawning behavior and that like okay, like my needs don't matter, so I'm just gonna say nothing and I'm just gonna wait for you to like address me energy and relationships, and she has more of that, like go get it energy. Okay, sorry my camera died, But

what I was saying is my friend Joyee. She has a different perspective and more of that like I don't give a fuck energy and more of the just say what you need to say and communicate. And that's really what I needed in a lot of the times where I was sitting quiet and like people pleasing and just like waiting around. And if it wasn't for me going

to her, I wouldn't have responded differently. To certain circumstances in my relationships, and I would have been in the same cycle of sitting around and waiting for somebody to choose me and love me and this that, And her advice was, no, you go and get the thing that you want. You go and voice the thing that you need. And if that means you're gonna get reject did. If that means you're not going to get what you want, that's fine. That means that person is just not for you.

And I've taken that on in my relationships and I've gotten new results from doing that. And in general, you just have to think when it comes to anything in your life, if it's not working out, it requires you to respond differently. So just think about whatever you haven't been doing, you probably have to do the opposite. So if you've been sitting around and waiting and wondering and this, that, maybe there does require a conversation to be had in

your relationship. And I know I said at the beginning, Okay, take your attention off them and detach and this that, But there is a difference between like, Okay, there needs to be something said in your relationship and you are just waiting for somebody to validate you through like getting a good morning text, or I don't know them, like liking something on your story. And obviously I cannot discern that for you, but I think a lot of you guys can kind of know when maybe sometimes it is

time to have a conversation. But I do always think not just dealing with your problems on your own is helpful if you can, of course, but also it's good because you don't want to respond right away when you are anxiously attached or triggered right with anything, if you are anger, if you're sad or this that because sometimes what you're gonna say maybe not, it's not actually gonna be the thing that's gonna help you, guys move forward.

So again, if you can come to yourself, kind of assess the situation, have a conversation with somebody, that will do you wonders. Okay. Another thing that I've found that

I do a lot when I'm dating someone is I like to put them on this pedestal and I like to put them high, and I like to oh my god, you are God. You are just a flawless human being, and nothing you do is bad, and nothing you do is wrong, and you're just perfect and you make no mistakes. Now, we are not trying to demonize and villainize and put this person down that we are liking in our life. Okay, we don't need to do that. We don't need to give them the energy of like f you and screw

them and detach and decenter men until they they die. Like, we don't need to give that energy out. We don't need to. I love men. I love the people that I'm usually dating in a way like you know, have love for them. I respect them as human beings. I respect people in general. So I don't like to even have that type of energy. But you just have to

be realistic. Okay, this person also has their own flaws, and you're so focused on your own flaws when you're anxiously attached and you're second guessing yourself and you're wondering if they like you, and this that that you need to take a little bit of that attention that you have on your own flaws and put a little bit of light on theirs. Okay. And this is simply this is an internal thing. Maybe it's a little journal session. Okay,

we don't need to talk shit to our friends. And this that or like again, like we want to be like somewhat healthy with this, Okay, but the reality is they probably have flaws. Okay, So remind yourself of that. You don't need to put them on this freaking and Mount Everest and being like, oh my gosh, they're God and they nothing that they do is wrong or this that. And the reason why sometimes that's helpful is because it kind of reminds you, like, you know what, Okay, let

me just relax for a second. They are not the end all be all, even if they're not treating me right, you know what, They're not the best thing on God's green Earth. There's somebody else that's probably maybe a little bit better in terms of the way that they treat me or whatever the case is. Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of that. Okay. And the last thing

that I want to remind you of and that you need to remind yourself of when you are going through the process of being in a relationship, dating life, everything's relational essentially, is that this is the process. This is the process. And if you're triggered, if things feel shitty, if things are feeling messed up in chaotic and you don't know and whatever. It's all a part of the process, and you're in it. Okay, this is a part of the process. You being triggered right now as a part

of the process. You breaking down right now as a part of the process. You not knowing your worth right now. Unfortunately, it's a part of the process, okay. And sometimes I feel like we create more anxiety and stress and we feel like we're failing and then we act out of those behaviors when we find things aren't going flawless. But I want you to just look at the reality of life, which is you're literally learning how to be in a relationship.

You're learning how to date, You're learning your needs and your wants, You're learning how to communicate. You're learning and discerning who's good for you and who's not, and who's going to be your future husband and who is not. Okay, it's okay, just let it be. You didn't ruin anything. Nothing is ruined, even if things are feeling really like unstable right now. Like I remember, even when I was in that situation, I when I came to my senses a little bit after I cried, I was like, baby,

this is life, this is what it is. I am learning something about myself right now. I am learning that I'm losing myself a little bit to my ancients attachment syle. I'm learning that, oh, I didn't really have a lot of self worth. Ooh. I'm learning that I need to give myself a little bit more credit for who I am as a person. I am learning that I tend to lose myself if I don't have these boundaries set

in place. I am learning that I'm taking things very personally when someone else has their own boundaries, which should never be a thing. I'm learning a lot about myself. And on top of all that, the time and this space, in this uncomfortable feeling sometimes of building a relationship with someone, that's actually the journey of potentially being in a healthy relationship with someone. So it's okay, it's okay, and you guys are gonna be okay. So I hope you guys

got something out of this episode. That's just the advice that I give myself. I run through that advice. I go to my friends now. I try not to project. I try not to go into the stories and the villainizing of somebody else when I'm feeling a certain type

of way. Of course, there's sometimes or you need to discern whether you're dealing with somebody who clearly does not have the capacity to show up for you, and you need to know your worth, right, you need to stand in your worth, and you need to remind yourself of what you deserve, which is way more than what you probably got in your past, but also just reminding yourself

that this is just this is life. Okay, how are you going to get the most beautiful relationship, the most lovingness, that the most success in your life if you don't go through this process. So do your best to embrace it right now. And I know it's so difficult. How do you embrace the moment when you're literally on your floor crying and being anxiously attached and being like, oh my god, I didn't get a text that meaning he

doesn't like me. Trust me, I know, but understand that this is all a very small but important piece of that puzzle that is the entirety of your relational life. And you are going to to get exactly what you deserve. But the only way you're going to get what you deserve is if you sometimes experience what you don't. But if you just sit with yourself and you say, what do I want for myself? What do I deserve? What did I not get in childhood? What do I want

moving forward? And you stand in that and you remind yourself of your worth and you show up for yourself. And on the days that you realize that you've lost yourself, you don't get mad at yourself. You understand that this is a normal part of being a human being, because unfortunately, your attachment style is essentially your trauma response, and that lives in your nervous system sometimes and you cannot control that, which means you will get triggered from time to time.

And instead of you trying to combat that by never getting triggered because that this doesn't happen, how can you learn to respond differently? Okay, so when you're triggered, how can you be with yourself instead of running away from yourself and trying to get somebody to text you or to love you or to show up for you. Doesn't mean that that can't be a thing, and you don't communicate that that might be a thing you need to do. But at the end of the day, your inner child

needs you right now. It need you to be here with yourself and needs you to speak words of affirmation, love, kindness. You haven't been talking to yourself nicely, girl, I know you have not. You've been talking to yourself like, Oh, I don't really know if he likes me. Oh, I'm not really sure if you think so. I'm the one. Why are you thinking like that? That's crazy? Please stop.

You are the one. You are one of one. You need to remind yourself of that, and you need to show up for yourself, and you to have those routines, and you need to give yourself grace on the days that you don't have those routines because you are what say it with me. Guys, You're a human being and not every day is going to be perfect. Do your

best to regulate your nervous system. Actually, maybe I'll just mention this if you find you're really triggered in a moment in time where you just like you can't breathe and you can't think, and you can't move and you can't do anything until you get somebody to see you or show up for you. But you also can't get

them to do that because like literally they won't. Please also, don't triple a million text people sometimes, yes, you need to like tell them maybe how you're feeling in the moment, but like other than that, can't really do anything beyond that. Go do a guide of meditation or breath work. Type in the Mindful Movement on YouTube and type in like

ten minute meditation for anxiety or something like that. I promise you that is you showing up for yourself more than you waiting for somebody to show it for you, way better. It'll be way better for you, and it might not fix everything. You might still be a little bit anxious afterwards, but it will help you do wonders. When you're in that state, your nervous system is literally in fight or flight and you can't think straight, and you can't eat, and you can't move and you can't

whatever you know. So I always find doing things for your nervous system, which is yes, detaching from the situation that's giving you distress anyways, doing a guide of meditation, doing some breath work, going for a long walk, listening to a podcast that's going to get your mind right. Go get yourself a sweet street, take some time off of work, if you can give yourself a little break, take a nap, talk to your best friend, let it out.

Do not go in a spiral into these stupid stories or you're gonna tell yourself about what you get to have in your life, or how this person doesn't like you or they're rejecting you, or this that. Do not go on their Instagram and creep them and wonder what they're doing. Do not go and creep the xs. Do not go and freakin' whatever. I know those behaviors. Trust me, I know every behavior under the sun because I've done it before. Trust me, it ain't gonna do you any good. Okay,

So I hope you guys enjoyed. Maybe actually you could get my book, The Ultimate Globe Guide, that might help you if you are triggered. It'll be linked down below. Make sure to subscribe if you're watching on YouTube. Also make sure to follow if you're listening on Spotify or Apple. And if you are listening on YouTube, just know my podcast is available audio style wherever you listen to your podcast, essentially the Globe Secret Podcasts. I hope you guys enjoyed, and I'll see the next one. Bye.