¶ into: book updates, black friday favourites from last week
Hi, everyone, Welcome back to their podcast episode. My name is Alicia Gogin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast, where I help you expand your mind to become more self aware so that you can glow up into the best version of yourself. Happy Monday, I am fueled by coffee and anxiety. Okay, listen before you guys freak out. I'm fine. It's just I'm a little bit overwhelmed today and probably will be for a little bit, which is totally fine because I am getting ready to launch the pre order of
my book. Now. A lot of you guys know that I have written a book and it's about to be published. It's gonna be published January ninth, but we're doing a pre order, so when you see the Thursday episode, we're gonna be talking about like healing your relationship with food, and you guys had asked me a lot of questions regarding your relationships with food and like
the advice that you want from me. I'm obviously not a licensed therapist or like food therapist, but I also healed my relationship with food without that and I actually only ended up going to therapy after I had moved away from my unhealthy relationship with food, and even when I went to see a therapist, it wasn't regarding my food anyways. Whatever, I'm gonna be talking about all that in the next episode, but we're gonna be talking about the book.
So I'm going to be doing a cover reveal. The book is going to be ready for pre order. I also have to make a main channel video about this book as well. So there's just a lot of planning, a lot of great, amazing things. But I'm a little bit. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm stressed a little bit because I have to like plan out so many pieces of content to make sure that everything is exactly the way
that I want. But it's fine, it's good. Stress. Just right now, I felt like I needed to go on a walk and get Amocha and come back to be able to move through this episode. But I hope everyone's doing great, and I hope you guys liked my last episode, which was that girl Favorites. I also did not mention one of my favorite things currently. Well, I've been wearing them forever, which are my Amazon slippers. I will have them linked in the description. I can't believe forgot to
mention these. I've had these slippers for probably like two to three years. I'm not even joking. I've worn them every single day, and I only really repurchased them because they were just getting really old. But they're still intact. It was just I should have probably washed them a little bit more, probably shouldn't have worn them so often with no socks on when my feet were like maybe a little bit sweaty or dirty, not like I have dirty sweaty
feet, but whatever, it's fine. Anyways, if you're looking for a really good pair of slippers for the holiday season, I'm telling you you need to get these Amazon slippers. They're so durable, so comfortable, and they're so affordable. So I'll have them linked down below. And also, I just got a new electric toothbrush from Phillips. I don't know if that's the full brand I forget, but I'll have it linked down below. It is pink, and it's so cute and it's so good. It is way better
than my Oral b electric toothbrush. And it's like the head is longer, like a rectangleish type of vibe instead of like a circle, so I feel like it just like glides on my teeth, and it gets more teeth and amount of time, even though of course I'm still brushing for the same a long whatever. You guys know, I'm really into my teeth journey right right now. I always have been. But if you're interested in a nice, cute, pink toothbrush, then I will have that down below as well.
¶ limerence, anxious attachment, finding control
All right, So today's another off topic episode. So we're gonna talk about a bunch of random things. And the first thing that I really want to talk about is this concept called limerens. Okay, I was on TikTok scrolling as I do because I am a hipakrit, although recently I haven't been scrolling that much on TikTok. And you guys know, I listen and I watch funny videos. Okay, just leave me alone. But there's this girl and her name is Danielle Walter, and she has like big sister advice. She
makes videos on like things I've learned in my twenties. She talks a lot about dating. She talks a lot about anxious attachment. Girlies. I feel like we're all anxiously attached to our core love that for us. So she made a video and I kind of wanted to like recap it, and I want to talk about how I've actually overcome limbrence. I believe that's how you say it limbrence in relationships, and I know that you guys are going to
resonate. So there's a lot of different definitions of what limbrens is, So I'm just going to quickly pull up one from Mind Body Green. It says limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infactuation, deep obsession, and fantastical longing. I think that's how you say it, fantastical. That does not sound like the right word, but whatever. The experience can range from euphora to despair. It refers to the exciting feelings you get when you first meet
someone. During this time, we often just want more of that person, more time, more affection, etc. It's an intense emotional arousal that leaves us craving for the other person. Often people refer this feeling as love at first sight. And I actually found an infographic that you guys will probably even resonate with more. And for me, this obsession and infactuation always usually will
start at the beginning of a dating phase. Right, So, like, let's say you start talking to someone, and it depends on where your state of being is over time. I am I've fallen less and less into this obsession with someone, but even in my earlier days. But regardless, there's
usually a stage in which you fall into this. Now this person is constantly consuming your mind, so things like you know, when you're checking to see if he's seen your Instagram stories, You're constantly like being very aware of the fact that, okay, like now I'm talking to someone, like what are they doing online? Are they watching my stories? Are they following me?
Are they liking my photos? Another one could just be you waiting all day for a text message, and if you do not get that text message, then that affects the way that your mood is for the day. Regardless of like how hard you try, You're just you're always waiting. You're always waiting, You're always making meeting of whether that person texts you back or not, or when you're going to see that person again. You're just very like it's
giving waiting energy. Or even as soon as you start dating someone, let's say, when you go to sleep, you're creating scenarios in your head of like your wedding and the man's last name with yours, Like you're going into this insane rumination obsession over this person who, quite frankly, you've just been dating. You probably haven't even actually talked to them for that long, and even if you have, like obviously, it's just very unhealthy for you to
always be consumed by a person. And the problem with limeren story, in a way is the fact that because you're so in your head, you start
to almost perceive this person way better than maybe they even are. And maybe they are great, but maybe they're not, or maybe you're just at a stage where okay, maybe he's treated you well a few times through the dating experience, but in your mind you think that every single day he's treated you well, or every single day he's showing up one hundred percent, or like he is the one just because he's done a few things like compliment you, or he asked you out on a date, or he pursued you a little
bit. But because you're always so infactuated and obsessed about the good qualities of him, you don't necessarily see how potentially he's not the best guy for you, and maybe he is, like maybe he actually is, but because you're so consumed with this object, meaning this guy. Let's say, it doesn't really matter how much or how little he has done, because all you've been doing is thinking about this person. And when you're constantly ruminating and obsessing over
a person, you automatically put them on a pedestal. Like literally, even if you are ruminating and stressing about the fact that this guy has not texted you back. Let's say, the fact that you are spending your entire day thinking about the fact that he hasn't texted you back puts him up here and
you down here. And so when your object of infatuation is up here, regardless of what he's doing, good or bad, because he's all the way up here, it's really hard for you to even bring yourself to like a rational conclusion of like, Okay, this person doesn't need to be on this pedestal, like maybe he's not all that, or you know, okay, yes, maybe he treated me a few times good, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's the one for me yet. You know, he could again be
the guy of your dreams, but maybe not. And now, if you're watching on YouTube, I'll put a little pop up. But if you're listening audio, then I'll just try and describe it the best way. But I found this infographic where there's two sides. One says what non limereents think about versus what limereents think about. And by the way, this whole like nonlimerent like this person that just never obsesses over someone. I can guarantee you it's
a very small percentage of the population. And I'm just gonna say women because I'm a woman and that's just my experience and a lot of you guys are. But like, obviously, I'm sure there's definitely guys out there that have that same issue. Or if you're dating women but you are a woman, same thing. Whatever. So there's like a square and it has like job, finances, relationships, hobbies, family, and friends. In the box
is divided pretty equally through all different segments of someone's life. Evently, so you know, let's say twenty percent of the time you're thinking about your for finances, twenty percent of the time you're focusing on your hobbies, twenty percent is for family and friends, twenty percent is for relationships, twenty percent is for whatever. So like you have a good mix. And now, obviously,
like life is not always black, and white. But I'm just saying as an example, and then the other side, Essentially, your liminent object takes up probably eighty percent of the entire box, and then you have like finances at the top, and then you have family at the bottom a little tiny bit and like friends in the middle. And now this brings it back
to people who have anxious attachment styles. When you have an anxious attachment style, essentially there is this like object of focus always, whether that be let's say a romantic partner or somebody that you want to date, or maybe just I don't know, obception over Let's say, this brings it back to what I was talking about having being skinny Roman empire or someone who's obsessing over food so much. I used to do this with men. I used to do
this with food. I used to do this at one point when my finances. And now this type of living is so dangerous obviously, because when you have let's say, a person who is just infiltrating your entire mind, you're not living a full life. You're not even being able to see what's even really going on, right, You're creating these scenarios in your head that may
not even be happening. You're also you just can't create every scenario possible, Like there's so many outcomes that you couldn't even imagine, good ones right, that you couldn't even imagine, But you're creating this, you know, this focus and obsession. And for me personally, it was because I was trying
to gain control. I was trying to feel safe in my life. I was trying to do that with my fitness and my health because I so desperately wanted this body and I wanted to be wanted by others, and I thought that that was going to be the way that I was going to get it. So I did that. I thought that obsessing and making money an issue all the time in my life was going to be the way that I was going to have abundance. It wasn't me obsessing over being with this man and
what my life life was gonna look like. I use that as a way to cope for my own loneliness in my life. I was essentially just trying to make myself feel very safe and in control in my life until I realized hyper obsessing over all of these things actually leads me nowhere, and what I really need to do is learn how to sit with being alone, learn how to be with myself, learn how to be with myself while in a relationship with someone else, learn how to be okay with the fact that financially I'm
not exactly where I want to be. But I'm not going to continue to wake up every single day stress about this or Okay, I'm not going to have being skinny my fucking roman empire and let that take over my life to the point where I don't go out and live my life because I'm only telling myself that I live my life if I have a skinny body, like that's
not a way of living. You know. I ended up getting into so many unhealthy behaviors and suppressing myself and not living my life because I had this huge object of focus that really actually either didn't deserve my focus or attention, but even if it did, let's say a guy, he did deserve some of my attention. Or eating healthy or working on my finances. These are all things that are definitely healthy to focus on. But when we're ruinating,
constantly stressing about it, it does nothing. And so the way that I
¶ how to stop obsessing & ending the chase
moved from being a limberent person, it happened in phases, and there's a lot of things that I did. One of the things definitely was to do inner child healing, because you always have a young part of you that is trying to essentially keep you safe by doing certain behaviors, trying to control, trying to change yourself so that people can love you, trying to constantly think about how every single circumstance will work out so that you don't get disappointed.
And this routs back to your childhood. There is probably an attachment style that was created in childhood where you felt this like anxiousness to the point where you had to obsess or daydream or fixate on something. And in my book, I actually have a section where there's like multiple sections where there's going to be like a journal guide so you can actually write in the book, which we
will talk about next week. And I use this example a lot when I'm talking about anxious attachment styles versus secure attachment styles, because essentially the opposite of being a limit person would be someone who has a more secure attachment style. When you are secure, your box isn't like eighty percent full of this one person. Your box is like, you know, obviously this is too perfect, But like a twenty percent of this person type thing in your mind.
But I use the playground example of an anxious attached child really wants to go, let's say, play with their friends at the sandbox. Right, all the kids are like calling it over, Oh my god, come play whatever, But that kid second guesses itself. That kid doesn't even believe it's deserving of going into that sandbox. Or even when that kid goes to the sandbox, that kids looking back to see is mom and dad there? Are they going to leave me? Or are they mad that I'm going to the sandbox?
You really have to understand your attachment style. Now. The Power of Attachment is a really good book, which I'll leave down below if you're interested in that to learn more about how to heal that because everyone's a little bit different. But just thinking about a child who, let's say, wants to really go play in that sandbox with the kids, what are some of the things that that child probably didn't hear from their parents that they need to hear
from their parents. For me, personally, I needed my parents to tell me you can do it. You are so worthy of being in the sandbox, like every single one of us. And also you don't have to worry about me leaving because I am not leaving you. And even if let's say I need to go to work or I need to go somewhere and I'm not able to watch you at the playground, I'm going to make sure that someone is in replacement of me. I'm gonna make sure that you are safe no
matter what. Unfortunately I did not necessarily get all that support, and a lot of us didn't. But in our adult lives, where are the areas of our lives where we can start to incorporate those type of behaviors. So
obviously it's not gonna be the same sandbox situation. But let's say you're starting to date a guy for the first time and you're starting to move into this like limberents, like obsession about this guy, and you know it's important for you to go to sleep and you need to get proper sleep in the morning, and you want to do that it's good for your wellness, but you're like talking to this guy and you just like don't want to put your phone
down in that moment. It is so important that you choose yourself. Okay, obviously we know this, and what we'll do is we'll get into a pattern of constantly not choosing ourselves to the point where now we're getting pissed off and we're not happy with our lives and we're not doing our wellness things, and we're falling off of everything because we're staying up late. Let's say this is a very small example. What you need to tell yourself in that moment
is this guy is going to be here in the morning. If I say good night right now, I cannot be afraid to say good night and put my phone down. I cannot keep doing this and pushing past what I don't deserve. And also, if this guy is not here in the morning,
this guy is not for me anyways. But in that moment, when you are staying up late all the time, in teching whatever, you're not even realizing, but you're essentially telling yourself that he's not going to be here in the morning, even though maybe consciously you know he's probably you're gonna text him in the morning, But there is a part of you that believes, oh my god, no, no, no, I need to keep chasing, I need to keep holding onto this thing. Oh my god, he's not
going to be here in the morning. Oh my god, it feels so good. Don't mean cake blah blah blah blah, or you could be using him as a distraction right, Oh my god. At the moment I put my phone down, I don't know how to deal with my emotion. I don't know how to be with myself. But in those times, okay? What are tools that I can use to help myself be okay with being alone? Right now? You know? How? Can I be with myself as my man goes to work or as my man is not texting me? Can
I reach out to a friend? Can I let my friend know that I am this person that gets a little bit anxiously attached and instead of constantly going to the man and constantly texting, double texting, triple texting, stressing, can I talk to my friend about some things? Can I get my mind off of these things? This is another thing I easily moved out of this Limerens way of being when I genuinely got real with myself about how much I was not pouring into my own cup in my life. My finances were a
mess, my health was a mess. I was not prioritizing myself. I didn't look at myself like I was a main character. I didn't look at myself like I was a gem. I was not pouring into myself. I put all my energy into guys who quite frankly didn't necessarily deserve it, considering the stages that we were at in our lives. But I wasn't focusing on myself because I was so afraid of this guy leaving. But you need to tell yourself in this moment. If this guy leaves because I choose myself,
then is he really for me? Don't you want to be with a man who wants you to choose yourself. Don't you want to be with a man who wants you to go to sleep at the right time. Don't you want to be with a man who wants to see you so happy with your friends, you're going on your shopping days, or you're putting your energy into your work, you're writing a book, you're doing social media, you're doing whatever. Isn't that amazing to have? Don't you want that? Why are we
wanting men who would want to have us attached? And by the way, something that I also kind of told myself, this is a more like harsh reality, but it's not really attractive to men, to healthy men. I mean when a woman is not working on herself, not pouring into herself, not doing anything really with her life, as somebody who's just waiting for him to come home and like, oh my God, desperately, I need you and I want you, and on an energetic level, and we're talking about
men who are genuinely in their masculine energy. You give this man ample opportunities for him to continuously pursue you. When your energy is pulled back to yourself and when you're doing this limberent behavior, your energy is all on them, right, It's always on the object, all on them. You're either chasing, You're like way too available, you're picking up the phone all the time. And again we're not trying to play games here. But at the end
of the day, it does shift that dynamic. And what I also found was when I start pouring back into my own cup up when my man wasn't in front of me, or even let's say, when I had those situations where like the guy would pull away, Like I feel like we've all had
those circumstances. I think the second time that ever happened to me in my life, or like a man was pulling away because I had been pouring into my own cup when he was pulling away, it wasn't really rocking me because I'm like, Okay, well, first of all, I'm very happy with my alone time, I'm very happy with my life, with my job, with my finances that I'm very solid and safe right now that I'm witnessing you pulling away, and I can acknowledge that, and yes, maybe at first
it kind of like feels like shit, but I'm instantly pulling myself back to myself because my life is good over here. I'm fine. And what that guy ends up doing is he either tries to chase you back or he just goes away, which like, go away if you're going to do that, But the end of the day, what I'm not gonna do is chase you.
But also, on top of that, we logically know chasing a man does nothing but push him away more okay, And honestly, I'm not in the business to understand why a guy is pulling away, right because I know
my worth. I know if a guy is pulling away, if a guy is not showing up for me, or if he is not like whatever the fuck he is doing that is not none of my business, honestly, and when I mean none of my business obviously depends if you're in a relationship with him, like, yes, you, maybe you need to have a conversation this, that and the third. But at the end of the day, it's like, Okay, well, I know my worth. I'm happy with my life. So if I know those two things to be true about myself,
why you are pulling away has nothing to do with me. But what we do as women is we internalize it and we completely tell ourselves, oh my god, it's me. Oh my god, I'm a piece of shit. Oh my god, da da da. And so when you have those natural thoughts sometimes will come up. Even the most self aware, confident person will have those thoughts. What will help you combat those thoughts is turning around and looking at your own life and being like, wait, no, this
doesn't make any sense. It can't be me. Why I'm happy with my life. I'm a good person. I take care of myself, I, X, Y, and Z. But what happens usually when a man is pulling away, you're not in energy. You actually haven't been pouring into yourself. You've actually only been obsessing over this guy. You actually don't know your worth. You actually don't know your value at all. So working on your self worth, working on your life outside of a man. It changed all
of my relationships after I kind of like came to those realizations. And listen, when I was younger, I genuinely did not understand the importance of a woman having her own life and being really happy with herself outside of a man. And I'm talking about having a life and being happy with your own life with a good man. I used to only do this when a guy would be pulling away and I'm forced to care about my life and fill up my
own cup. But I started to realize over time, and once I started healing that, oh my god, even when my relationship is so amazing, I want to make sure that I'm always pulling my energy back to myself. Why, Okay, even outside of changing any sort of dynamic in a relationship or making sure the relationship is good, I deserve it. My life is not always about just living for this man or living for this relationship or whatever it is. But when that man or when that object becomes your only source
of happiness, that's really what you start doing. So I think that It's a long process, for sure, And I think that you guys and myself were constantly doing this, This pouring into ourselves and finding ourselves again and healing ourselves and becoming our own best friends and loving ourselves through things like those are all really good practices for you to continuously keep doing in the moments where you do start to date, and when you are starting to date and you find
yourself going into that obsession. Am I a catch? Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy even of this man? The answer is yes. But if you don't believe the answer is yes, then you it's a you problem. Whatever else is going on here, whether he's choosing you or not doesn't matter. You need to know that you are the gem and you are
the prize. What will help you feel like you are the gem and you are the prize is, for sure, inner child, healing to the subconscious beliefs that you hold about yourself, but also taking physical action in your day to day life outside of this man in his life or whatever you're dating life by okay, working on your finances, working on your career, working on
your daily habits. What are the things that you can control? Continue to pour into that that will really help you on the moments where you start to second guess yourself. Be like, no, way, I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am so in his league, I am so X Y and Z. But you're gonna have to tell yourself in those moments.
It's not just going to be automatic, especially at first. And let's say bringing it back to the example of you're always texting this guy or you're always available because you're afraid if you don't answer the phone, then he's like, what, You're not going to miss like he's just gonna go away. Think about that for a second. If he is not going to call me back because I missed his phone call, then this man is not for me. Okay, again, this is bringing it back to an US problem, not
really a hymn problem. And I'm not saying to play games right, but genuinely, let's say, you know you have this goal of yours to go to sleep at a really, really good time at night, and you're wanting to be good at your routine, or you know you're spending so many nights at his house and it's super late nights and whatever, you need to stand up for yourself and say I cannot do this, but you're too afraid because you're afraid of losing him. You can't be in that situation. At this
point, you've lost right. So anyways, that was a total rant. This episode just became all about Limerens. But yeah, I just thought that you guys would resonate with that. But I will say it does take consistent persistence on your part when it comes to telling yourself a new story in the moment when you find you are going into the daydreaming or the obsession. Fill up your time with things that make you feel good in your own life.
Have some goals, tell your friends, have conversations, have people supporting you, pour back into your inner child, and I promise you you will feel so much better and over time it will lessen because you will start building more self worth within you. And that's essentially really what it is like. You gotta get to a point where you are in that sandbox being like I'm worthy of being here with all the kids. Quite frankly, the kids only want
to play here because I'm here because they're so obsessed with me. Okay, maybe not, maybe we won't go too far, but I'm just saying, like, you want to have that kind of level of self worth, and on top of that, you want to be the kid who's like, I know my mom's coming back, My mom's gonna pick me up. When she's gonna pick me up, I'm fine, you know what, It's fine, she's a little bit late, All right, no problem. I think this
even comes back down to like the abundance mindset. Right, let's say something didn't work out, I'll bring it back to myself, like a brand deal didn't work out, Okay, I'm gonna get another one. But somebody who's like a stress case all the time would be like, oh my god, it's the end of the world. Like I shouldn't do this, I should rebrand my whole entire life. Like what am I doing? Like contemplating your life? No, no, no, no, baby, it's fine.
We're cool, all right. Next thing, and this was also on TikTok.
¶ the victim mentality & the stories you tell yourself
So I don't know who this girl was because she was on some random podcasts, and I don't necessarily know the name that she called it, so I just created my own name. But she was basically saying that there's this thing called the pandemic freeze, where depending on whatever age you were at when the pandemic happened, a lot of people right now, whenever you're hearing this, like today are feeling like the age that they were when they were in
the pandemic. And I think she was saying it because like basically, the pandemic took away a few years of our lives. It set people back. Obviously financially, it could have set people back, like dating wise, people feel like they got duped. People feel just really behind in life. And like I was looking at the comments and everyone was like, yeah, that's so true, that's so right, Like I feel like I'm still twenty five, but I'm actually twenty seven, or I feel like I'm twenty three,
but I'm actually like twenty six. Whatever, the pandemic screwed me up. This that and the third And it was an interesting observation that I made and a conclusion that I came to, and I want to quickly talk about it. On one hand, it's if you have to think about it, it could totally be true, right, Like I could sit here and be like, damn, you know, I kind of sometimes do feel like I was like twenty five and like where did those times go? And yeah, the
pandemic fuck. Like, financially, I was going through it, and yeah, you know, maybe I did miss out on some dating opportunities because everyone was locked down and this, that and the third. Yes, and quite frankly, a lot of people had it even worse than I did, and I had it very bad. That wasn't my hand. Pain was a thing all everything. We're not gonna get into it, but genuinely people really struggle
through that time. People are definitely still coming back from that. On one hand, yes, it's an absolute lived experience that a lot of us went
through. But what I was looking at in the comments was disempowerment, because yes, we could look at it and be like, a pandemic took so many years of our lives and we're so set back, or you could just not think that because these comments, all I was reading was I'm not gonna get anywhere in life, and I'm so far behind in my love life, and I'm not going to have the future that I want, and I'm not going to find my husband, and I'm not going to get my dream job,
and I'm not going to X, Y and Z because of this pandemic freeze, and this is all I want to say, be very careful with the stories that you were telling yourself, because these stories could either make or break you. These stories will either keep you stuck or get you moving forward. Is it okay to acknowledge the fact that hard shit went on in our lives? Yes, But if it's to the point where this story is now hurting you and not helping you, I would highly suggest you let it go.
Does it need to be true that I need to move through life now thinking oh my god, I lost years out of my life and oh my gosh, I'm not going to get what I want financially or romantically, or the whole entire world is fed up. How is that going to help me get to where I want in my life. You have the decision to take
that on as a belief or not genuinely. And I know it can sound like, oh my god, that's so insensitive to say that that's essentially a limiting belief, But what she said on TikTok was essentially a limiting belief, and people were buying into it. Okay, I'm not interested in stripping my future away from me based off of what I went through. And you know why, because the stories you tell yourself dictate your actions, and your actions
is what creates results in your life. So if I believe that I can never get ahead in my life, then I am not going to wake up every single day and try harder in my life. I am not going to look for opportunities that are going to bring me more finances. I am not going to try and go out into the world and find the love of my life. I'm not gonna do it. Why because I believe, well,
it's too late. And so I just want you to think about the stories that you tell yourself about the love that you're able to get in your life, the money that you're able to get in your life, the success, the health. What is it? Because you tell yourself a story the moment you wake up in the morning, you tell yourself whether the jim going to be hard or not. You tell yourself how the day is going to go. You even tell yourself a story about what this person, let's say that
you're dating, why he hasn't texted you back. If you woke up in the morning you didn't get a text. What are you telling yourself and is it helping or is it hurting you? And I highly suggest you tell yourself a better story, because that is the thing that is going to get you out of this situation. And it might take a while, it might take a little bit of work, but I promise you the only good things that have ever come out of my life are from this place of me going low
and me deciding to rise higher. Before I was even able to see the light, I had to believe that there was a light. I was not going to look at my circumstances in my life, and there was a lot of them, and they were hard. I was not gonna let those dictate my future. So if you have been feeling a little bit low about your life, I want you to take a real good look at some of the things that you've been telling yourself and the stories you've been telling yourself, and
I would highly suggest telling yourself a new one. And that brings me to
¶ how to stop coming to conclusions
another thing that I think is actually just kind of funny, Like lately, the universe has just been playing with me. The universe has really loves to play. And this kind of brings it back to like the stories that you tell yourself and belief. So we tend to have some sort of story that we tell ourselves about how things are going to play out in our lives. It's healthy to have that. Obviously, we need to expect certain things.
But sometimes when you're too rigid and how you think things should be or how you think that they are gonna go, it kind of can set you up for failure. But also it could just be a lesson and then you can learn to like not be so rigid, which is what I've done, and it kind of just frees you from just being a stress ball all the time.
Honestly, So recently the universe has been showing me that I am wrong about what I think is the full story or what I think is an outcome, which is actually a good thing though, because I clearly needed it, because I try my best to not like be super limiting and try and like predict any sort of outcome or come to any sort of conclusion until I actually
see what it is. But of course you naturally come to certain conclusions, like let's say a guy's pulling away, you usually come to the conclusion that it's you. But guess what, a lot of most of the time, especially when it comes to that situation, is actually not it's not you. Now there's a small percentage where maybe a girl's constantly chasing and like, oh my god, I need you and just that and it technically is them, but still even at the beginning, it probably wasn't you, and or probably
was someone whatever. You always comes to some sort of conclusion. But I just think it's important that you remind yourself that you have no idea things could change, for one, but you also just don't know the full picture. So try not to come to so many conclusions, especially when the conclusion doesn't
make you feel good, just don't do it. And also just not coming to so many big conclusions can allow you to let the universe work things out and show you that there's more possible in your life, right, because a lot of the times when we come to certain conclusions, they're pretty negative and they're pretty limiting, and that kind of tears us down. That might even make us place mall in our lives when really we can actually achieve things in
our lives, whatever the case is. But the other night, I ordered donuts from Tim Morton's. Okay, I really wanted donuts. I ordered a maple dip donut, a Boston cream and an apple fritter, and no, I didn't eat all of them, but yes, I ate most of them. I just wanted, like I wanted originally to get Krispy Kreme donuts okay, and I could only order a twelve pack of donuts. I was like, I'm not doing that, so I just like ordered three of them because
I really wanted it. I ended up getting the donuts and I opened up the bag. I also ordered a rap. So I pulled out the wrap and then there was a bag of donuts and I saw three donuts. It was the apple fritter out on the bottom, and then it was the Boston Cream. I think that's I think I said Boston Cream. It was a Boston Cream and there was a chocolate dip donut. And so when I saw that I didn't get that maple dip donut, I instantly went to the negative.
I was like, oh my god, I didn't get what I wanted. I'm so mad. I'm upset, like going into this, what was me? I'm a victim And also it was ruining my mood right Like,
I saw a circumstance and it wasn't what I wanted. And I came to a conclusion of I'm not getting what I want right like when I didn't see it, I wasn't getting what I want, And I even went to the point where I was like taking a photo and I was gonna try and see if I could like kind of get some sort of refund or whatever, because I just didn't get the right one, and then the photo wasn't working, and I was getting really annoyed, and I just kept telling myself, like,
it's honestly not that big of a deal to like go to the point of like trying to get a refund. Anyway, this donut was like didn't cost anything, but I was just annoyed. But as I was on my phone trying to figure out what I was going to do, I wanted to have a bite of the donut because I was like craving it. So I picked up the Boston Cream donut and like I bit into it, and right when I was gonna put it down into the bag, I looked and the
maple dip donut was underneath the apple fritter. So not only actually did I get four donuts, I actually did have my maple dip donut under there. And it was just a crazy moment for me because you are so convinced in that moment that you are not getting what you want. And we could bring this to any sort of example where someone just says no or rejects you, you instantly take that as truth of the matter of fact of a life,
like Nope, you're never gonna get what you want. It's never gonna change whatever, because you see it solid you looked in this bag, or somebody said in front of your face, No, I don't want you, I'm rejecting you. Or no, you don't have the mapel dip. It's not
here. You literally have a chocolate dip, don't it. But sometimes through the lens in which we look, which the lens I was looking through, was and instantly going to the negative because that's how we tend to do things in our lives, and especially when it came to like ordering something on Uber, I kind of already had this filter of like, oh, there's a huge chance that I'm not gonna get something because I haven't gotten it before.
Like literally, we have these preconceived ways of seeing life, and we have these glasses on, so we're only looking at things through this glass, these glasses. But once you take those glasses off or the universe says, hey, I'm gonna take them off for you so you can fucking see and you
can learn, you realize that there's so much more to the picture. And for me, the donut was actually there the whole entire time, I just couldn't see it in the moment because I was essentially being very small minded.
And the same thing goes with let's say someone says no or rejects you, or let's say a job opportunity they say no, we will take that as truth of the world of the universe, and we just tell ourselves, oh my god, like I'm the worst, not gonna get what I want, this person doesn't like me, or I'm never gonna make money, whatever it is, we always go to the negative, and then we stress ourselves out and then we don't usually take action, and then we just like go in
this like self pity moment when realistically, who is to say that that no will not change? But we look at it as it's the truth, and because it's the truth, and because I look at it as bad, I'm gonna look at myself as bad. I'm gonna look at myself as unworthy instead of looking at that no as first of all, it'll probably change. But even if it doesn't, that doesn't mean that I'm not worthy. Doesn't mean that I'm not gonna continue to find a job that's gonna make me more money.
Who is to say that that job actually wasn't for me and I'm going to find more money over here, or who's to say that this guy was even the guy that I wanted to be with, or whatever the case may be. But instead we lower our self worth in on top of that, we usually go into this spiral of unnecessary anxiety and stress that we don't need. And bringing it back to my donut example, obviously I wasn't looking at myself like, oh my god, I'm not worthy this that, But what
I was doing was getting highly stressed for no reason. I was stressing on my phone trying to figure out if I can do the refund, and I'm you know, I'm letting that ruin my night. I was gonna go watch the Kardashians and sit with my donuts and everything was gonna be okay. But because I didn't have it, it's like the end of the world, Like that is so not necessary, right, That's that's me coming out of the
present. Moment and into my head and stressing about things that are very irrelevant, and then on top of that, the goddamn donut was in the bag the whole entire time. So it's really important that you understand we have lenses in which we see the world through. These lenses are made up of our childhood, our traumas, the good, the bad, the ugly everything. And it's also not bad to have glasses. We need to kind of like look through a certain lens, of course, But when you are constantly looking
through a lens in which everything you find is negative, it's wrong. You're feeling shit about yourself. I would, for a moment, do your best take off these glasses and analyze these glasses and look at these glasses and say, hmm, are these lenses even accurate? Are these lenses upgraded from the old ones that I used to look through? Because maybe you're wearing old glasses. Maybe you're wearing glasses that are tuned to your eyesight from years ago that
you know don't serve you anymore. And what I mean by the lenses essentially is like, Okay, maybe back in the day you had low self worth and when a guy was pulling away from you instantly. You always thought it was yourself. Now that you're older and you're trying to have healthier relationships, you know it's important that you have self worth in relationships if for some reason
and you're feeling some sort of distance from a guy. We don't always have to have the lens of oh my god, it's me, I'm not worthy. Can I put on a new lens and a new lens could be Okay, Yes, it's no denying that this guy's pulling away. But do I have to go to the conclusion that it's me? And can I look somewhere else and see ways in which I'm actually very worthy? Like let me look over here and remind myself, Oh wait, I have an amazing life.
I'm an amazing person. I have a great heart. I have done everything right in this relationship. I'm not perfect, but I've done my absolute best. I've tried my hardest, I've done the work. These are things that you need to search for, but you're looking through a lens in which it's very hard for you to look for. Sorry, my camera heated up if you're watching on YouTube. But yeah, essentially, you want to ask yourself what lens am I really looking through? And if it's hurting me, then
what lens do I want to look through instead? Now? For me, I have usually I have a multiple lens that I like to look at certain
things. If I see something that I'm essentially coming to a conclusion on, let's say I can't see a way through this, or I'm getting rejected or whatever, I like to tell myself that I'll be able to figure it out and it's not going to be the end of the world, so that I don't continue to spiral like there's just going to be things in your life where yes, things don't work out right, like maybe you're going through a breakup, or maybe the maple dip don't it was not in your bag. What
can you tell yourself in that moment? And for me, I don't need to now ruin my night because they didn't have that thing right. So just telling yourself in the moment, like it's gonna be fine, this is not worth stressing over, reminding yourself that the more you stress about this thing, it's only going to create more suffering. Anyways, or things could easily change.
This person said no, who knows, Maybe they'll call back and they'll tell me the second candidate for this job decided to drop out last minute and they actually want me. Or you can just pick up a lens. That's more optimistic telling yourself, I don't know the full picture. I don't know how this is going to play out, and I'm not going to come to any conclusions yet because things could easily change. This person could change their mind,
this job opportunity could change their mind. I'm not going to internalize this thing. I'm not going to stress myself out. I'm not going to come to this really shitty conclusion based off of a little bit of evidence that I see in front of my face. Even if I see this evidence, even when it came to the donut, I thought that I knew, and I
really don't. And that's what I like to tell myself sometimes when I'm finding that I'm fixating on something and I'm telling myself something that clearly is not going to help me, I always remind myself who knows, who really even knows? Nobody even knows. Anyways, at the end of the day, the universe is going to have my back, So let me just let things be
what they need to be. And where can I put my focus in attention right now where it clearly needs to be, instead of focusing on all these negative situations that might not even occur, or even if they do occur, I'm going to be okay, Like there doesn't need to be that. So anyways, just become very aware of the stories that you tell yourself and remind yourself that you don't know everything, and that's actually a very good thing.
Sometimes you actually don't know, and that's good sometimes. And also if you
¶ quality over quantity
are a limberent person, pour into your own cup and continuously do that, and do that while you're in relationship. See, this is actually one last thing I'm gonna say about that, going back to that, I was highly
highly aware of my tendency to be this limberance person. I would say the past three years of my dating experiences that I made sure when I got into relationships that I was pulling my energy back to myself even when the relationship was good, because especially when the relationship is good, right, it's like, oh my god, I'm in love, Like I love this person, Oh
my god, this person. Like again, you could be dating somebody who's actually great for you, they have all the good qualities whatever but because I knew my tendencies, I didn't want to slip back into these old ways of obsessing. Because I also just didn't want to be concerned with what this person is doing at all hours of the day, Like it's actually really annoying, Like it's actually draining to think about someone all day, every single day,
even if things are going well. And I like to look at things as like quality versus quantity. Sometimes like, Okay, I could think about this person all day because this person is really amazing. This person does check off every single box. I do want to be with this person. But wouldn't
it feel so good if I just pulled my energy back to myself. I was working on my business, I was working on my career, my hobbies, I was seeing my friends, and then I would have something to look forward to at the end of the night by calling my man or letting him know what I did all day, instead of constantly texting him all day telling him what I'm doing all day throughout. No, Listen, at some point, you need to graduate from this texting a guy all day every single day
updating your life. I am so sorry I thought that that was even a healthy thing to do. When things were going well with a guy until I realized it wasn't because of my tendency. Because when you are that person who's let's say, you're always texting constantly, what are you doing? What are you doing now? What are you doing later? Every day all day, even if on paper it looks like everything is fine and healthy, it's not because you end up creating this hyper obsession even if you don't want to,
because you're that person's always on your mind, You're always texting them. It's like, Okay, I just texted them, and I'm updating them about my life, or I like their Instagram story or I'm watching their stories, and then I go back into my life and I do my thing for like twenty minutes, and then I'm texting them again because I'm having this conversation with them. It's not about playing games, it's not about being cold with men.
But if you are this type of person, understand quality is so much better too when it comes to like, Okay, you know what, I'm not going to text them all day every day. I'm going to wait till the end of the night. Let's say I'm not saying you can't never like text your man like. Obviously it depends, but especially when you're first dating.
Okay, I'll just have a nice, genuine, long, great conversation at the end of the night and we can both tell each other what we did or whatever it is, or like I'm gonna look forward to it on date night, or I have all these like random thoughts that I want to like
text him, and I want to send him a million things. But you know what, I'm just gonna keep working on myself and then when I see him, I'm gonna be able to have this amazing conversation with him instead of like constantly updating him on every single fucking thing that I'm doing, which, again, it just doesn't necessarily help you when you are that limerent person. Again, this is not to mean you can't have joy in your life.
Doesn't mean you can't text this guy when you're wanting to, doesn't mean you can't call your man, doesn't mean you can't talk to your boyfriend throughout the day. I'm not saying that, but just be aware of when you know you're doing a little bit too much, even when it's technically healthy, because you really like this person, this can lead you into the obsession of the rumination, because what will happen is when you create this type of dynamic.
If there is a time where he's not able to get back to you, if he doesn't answer you, and you get like this, that's when you know you shouldn't probably be doing this dynamic. And for me, I would get into these situations where we would do this like texting all the time back and forth, and the moment that I didn't hear from him, I went into a spiral. That's when I realized that this texting back and forth actually was never even healthy because I was actually using him as my limberent object.
I was actually using him as a way to only feel good about my life. So I mean, this is what I'll say. If you want to text somebody here and there, whatever, that's fine. But if you don't hear from them and you start stressing the f out, then you know you're probably actually using them as like a crutch in a way. And this is what I say. Like, I think about the relationship that I had towards my best friend. I talk to her essentially all day every day, but
when I don't hear from her, I do not stress. I do not go in this energy of oh my god, what is she thinking? Oh my god, I'm not good enough. It's a different type of relationship. So I don't try and do that a lot with my romantic relationships because I know where that can lead me, because that's a different type of h dynamic and attachment style that I would be recreating, because that's just like what I would do with men based off of my childhood. But when it came to
like women like or friendships is a little bit different. Some people will do this with friendships as well, but it's just like a good indicator to realize, Okay, well maybe I can't create this full dynamic with this man because realistically, the only reason why I'm creating this full dynamic with this man is to create safety in my life versus doing this behavior of talking to him all the time just because I want to, like I do with my best friend,
because realistically, most of the time with romantic partners, you don't necessarily are like you don't have that relationship that you have with your friends in that way, like I text my best friend about random shit all the time that like I'm not interested in telling my man like I don't need to it's not needed in my relationship. But anyways, I digress. I hope any of that made sense. This topic episode really was not as off topic. I
feel like I kind of like only talked about two main things. But I hope you guys enjoyed. And please be sure to listen to next week's episode because I'll be talking about my book and I'll be showing you guys the cover, and we'll be talking about healing your relationship with food. You guys had a lot of questions about that, so yeah, I will see you guys in the next one. Bye.