Volume 2, Episode 15: Petroglyphs

What is this? What is this? What is this Trapper Davis University? Okay, I don't know. Did this show up on your GPS when you were getting directions? Trapper? Trapper Davis? Trapper hyphen Davis? Did they just sell the name of our school to anyone with like... Well, you know, it did. It did come up, but I just didn't want to. I didn't know what. I didn't want to say anything about it.

I don't know who Davis is. When did it become Trapper Davis? You know, this is a scam. What is it? What is this? What is this fountain here? Ooh la la. And like, what's the, this is like a, this just like. the smacks of like a merger or something. It's like, you know, you're going to read my name, but it's like...

What is this hyphenating university? I refuse to refer to this as Trapper. I go to, I went to Trapper University, thank you. And I don't know what this, what is this quote? What is this quote here? Oh, that's James Baldwin. Oh, okay. Oh, that's fancy. Ooh, we have a new one. So now I... Since Davis rolled into town, we have... We have quotes on stone now. Fountain. I don't know what to...

I mean, you know, I don't know about this Davis, but this is most certainly Trapper. I mean, it is, mostly, except for they've... It looks, you know, built out. Let's see, right up there. Third window from the top. That was actually my, that's the window to my old, to my dorm, my first dorm room. That was it. Really? That was it. You remember? I remember that. Wow.

So, I mean, what do we do? I mean, what does one do when one returns to one's alma mater, which none of us graduated from? What do we want to learn? I don't know. Do we want to eat at the cafeteria? I mean, are we snooping? are we finding intel or are we just kind of here to i'm just i mean i guess why not i i'm disoriented already i mean i don't know i don't i mean i really don't i really don't kind of

Does either one of us have any good feelings about this place? I mean, I don't really want to see anything. Well, you know, I did it first when we were walking into the... God, no, I just don't. I'm getting that alienated feeling that I seem to have conveniently forgot about when reminiscing. That seems to be coming back. I don't, I mean, let's say we just go to the bus. Yeah, you want to just find the bus stop and just say the hell with it.

If it's there, I don't, I mean. Check out Jesus Loves You Dude there, Dan. No, no. This doesn't seem to go. I mean, again, I don't know this Davis, but I have a feeling this is not what Davis intended. I don't know. Yeah. I'm going on record. Since Davis co-opted. My university, it's all going to hell. Screw it. Well, I guess you're right. I'm trying to just, I don't know what I'm trying to do. I feel foolish, you know. Let's just do, let's just.

A year and a half of my life. Let's see. It was about seven, eight months of my life. So, yeah. Should we sing the song? Should we sing the Trapper Davis the Fight song? Oh, Christ, no.

So look here. See, look at the GPS, right? So Bornhart comes up first. Then look after that, the next town, and see how it goes. The route goes really off to the east. We know it's not in that direction. Look how far that is. So Bornhart, do you want to try? Do we want to try getting off there and see if that's it? Does that sound right? I mean, it could have been Bornhart, right?

Why not? It could have been. It may be. Let's try it. We're here. The thing is, I mean, by the schedule, that's only... 22 minutes away. And I mean, wasn't it... Don't we remember that it was like a long trip to get there? I mean, it's... It's hard to remember, but in my, you know, it just seems like it was a more of a journey, but it may not have been. I mean, time is sort of different when...

you remember it when you think of it now. Time was probably felt different. Yeah, let's, I say we get off at Bornhart's. If we're wrong, then we've got a problem. But I mean, I don't see any other town it could possibly be. it just starts to snake too much. Okay. Bornhart. Bornhart is. We're off to Bornhart. We just got to survive. Look at the guy. Okay, don't.

Not against the window, but right beside it. Now look, can you see his, like, expression? I mean, this is not a man with somewhere to be. So this is about what I remember. At least we know we got the right bus. Sure, do you? God, I mean, we went past this little farm there. I want to say that something stirred a little bit. Do you? I'm just sitting around.

Because you know what? That's right, because that's the prison farm. That farm is actually run by the county prison system or whatever. So they have the prisoners out. working that farm over every past. I remember that. Because I used to think, wow, what a great little farm. And then, you know, on the other side, on the other highway, you'd see that it was part of the...

It was basically the correctional form. I am... I don't... I don't want to say anything. A couple minutes back, there was a house cabin, sort of, that... The front yard is, like, filled with these sort of, like, sort of log sculptures that they look like, you know, like you make with the chainsaw. And all these kind of strange... Yeah, I feel like I remember. I feel like I remember that. Or not, yes. Or not is different than you. That's very different.

That's all right. That's all right. We're going to Bornhart. We are. We are. We're going to Bornhart. We're off to Bornhart. I don't know. Maybe this is it.

they rip did they rip the floor up i guess maybe Huh. I don't know, this feels... like it could be, right? Well, there's kind of a... I mean, there's no counter there now. God. Yeah, I see. Yeah, could this conceivably have been... Could this have been the counter area at one point? See, because you get the window behind it, right? Yeah. I don't see any ghosts on the floor.

But I mean so what about the size wise this feels right right size It does the porch area would feel more familiar but it didn't it didn't at all it seems well that's the thing that's like i don't even remember that when you when we're talking about the porch i don't remember that But obviously something was here that has been gone. I don't know. All this stuff on the floor looks like. I don't know. Is there anything identifying like bookstore-ish on this floor? Shit.

Are there... Did you see the... Where were the... Where were the stairs before? Were there... Well, I mean, that's got to be them, right? I mean, there's... That's over there. Oh, you see? You know, you're not looking there. Right there. Yeah. So, did you remember, did you look out this window over here to see if the view kind of across the street? I don't know. I think this is it. I think this was the counter area. I think this is it. What happened here? Well, I mean, obviously...

I mean, this stuff, all this stuff on the floor is obviously not from the bookstore. Maybe there's something after, came after. I mean, that's why all the shelves would be gone, right? There's nothing... There's nothing on the floor that marked where shelves were. That would make sense if something came in, and then they tore out the wooden planking, right? So let's just go up the steps. Come on. Let's do it. I like how we assume there's no one here with us.

I mean, it's frustrating that there's no... You just think there would be some kind of evidence of there having been, like, maybe bolts in the floor where they bolted the shells. How about the creakiness of the floors? I mean, that's... Yeah. I mean, I remember this. I mean, I don't want to. Careful. Oh, watch that hole. Jesus.

Spiders. This is not the view that I'm... I don't know why this is not... Just imagine, like, I mean, I can't... You said you were... I remember a building as tall as this just across the street, though. I'm like, there's nothing. I mean, I didn't... Look, you know, if I stand, look, if I stand kind of where I remember the book being in relation to the window, you know, I would stand here kind of, I remember the window was...

When I stand like that and I look, it just doesn't seem big enough. It just doesn't seem right. But there were all these other, there would have been all these other objects. you know around us and around the window and like i mean i feel i feel like i feel like i should recognize the window view but honestly i mean i wasn't really looking out the window when i was

Here inside so I might not I might not be a good judge of what the window view Let's do something crazy here. Yeah, let's just not say anything for a minute. Let's just stand here Come here. I think you need to see this. Hold up. What you got? What you got? What you got? This board, right? Yeah. Now...

Look here. There's kind of like a different... There's like a ghost of something stuck to the end of this board. Maybe or something. A discoloration. Yeah. And like... look how I mean like what could this what could this have been Oh, I see what you're saying. Six inches or so. Right? Oh, God. No. Well, there's no stickiness. No, I mean, it's been, you know, it's like... Wait a second, let me look at... I mean, that could be...

It could have been maybe where tape used to be. Here, let me... What's up? Oh, there's... Do any others? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Israel. It was just two words, hand-printed carefully on the old piece of masking tape. the black marker much faded. The words were simply, modern thrillers. It was then that we finally knew.

We sat for a while outside on the sidewalk. And then around dusk, we agreed to go back to the top floor of the bookstore and to place our copy of Ridge Walker's book on the windowsill. And back downstairs again, we closed the warped front door behind us as firmly as we could. Then we set about figuring out how we were possibly going to get back to...

Somewhere we could find a couple of cheap rooms for the night. That turned out to be quite a fraught and ridiculous adventure. But like every other clumsy... stumbling journey in my life that has caused me such worry and sometimes pain. It ended with me warm and safe and cozying up with some battered horror paperback I'd brought along for comfort. On the long, lonesome bus trip back home, I thought about Ridge Walker, sitting on that set

doing an awkward interview with local public television. I imagined her lighting a Winston cigarette before she began to speak, hands shaking just a little, feeling nervous and fraudulent. dreading the questions to come. I think she would have approved of what we did, and so would whatever ghosts still linger in that empty store. It bothered me more than I'd like to admit. The leaving of the book. I told myself it was a small thing. But I kind of wanted it. I kind of wanted to keep it.

The store, the book, and the stories in the book. I feel like if I were a better person, more whole somehow, then maybe I'd be at peace. But even that seems mercurial. Like the version of yourself you wake with each day that drains away by night. I want to say, in my heart, I know it's right. The gesture, the offering, the symbol and shell and jewel of it all. But I don't know that.

Or I guess I should say I don't feel it. I wish I could. I'm overthinking it, I know. I can probably find another copy for myself out there somewhere in the world. But that's not really the point, is it? That was the one he found. When we made our way to the low motel, Brown and... warping around the door frames and sinks. It did feel good, like the feeling at the end of a good day's work. But my mind still spun like a top.

This is the problem with thinking that just by seeing where life is pointing you, shoving you towards, that it's the best or wisest way to go. Something happened to me out there. Something beautiful and grand. And my life now is going to be, in notable ways, about living with that loss. I guess I just wish that the space we found, whatever ground or field, extended to wider lands, to countries barely known. I want more.