[00:00] Welcome back to the Focus B show. This is Katie Suddar here aka the focus b. And on this show, I interview high performers and leaders around the world to discover their secrets on peak performance, productivity, mindfulness, and leadership. So if you want to take your performance and your leadership to the next level, then you're in the right place. Listen up and connect with the magic.
[00:36] You how to Never Feel Frustrated Again I know this can sound like an ambitious promise, so let me explain why I feel that you can get rid of frustration forever in your life and how you can do this. I used to be a highly impatient person, and I used to quite often feel frustration. It was probably one of the emotions I felt most in sort of a daily way. So not constantly throughout the day, I felt quite happy and joyful and calm sometimes, but on and off. I used to feel this frustration, and I recently realized that there are several key ways that can help you to just not feel that way anymore. And it just no longer really is part of what I feel. I mean, it might happen very occasionally, but it's not really something that I feel very often. And there are a few sort of key elements that have really helped me to master frustration or to eliminate or reduce frustration. Okay, so let's look at where does frustration come from. So it's an emotion, a feeling. So it comes from thoughts that we're having. And the thoughts are generally something along the line of that's not how I wanted this to go. That's not what I expected to happen. That's not what I want right now. So there's resistance, and there's a huge resistance towards reality, towards what's going on. For instance, you turn on your computer first thing in the morning and it crashes, and you can't turn it on again, right? That's not great start of a day, you've got loads of meetings, a lot of things going on, and suddenly your computer is just not responding. Maybe if you're a very patient and calm person, first two, three, four minutes, you'll be okay. If you're highly impatient and impulsive like I used to be, the first 2 seconds, you explode already, right? And so you might feel this frustration, boil it up, even if you're a calm and patient person, maybe after five minutes or ten minutes. So what's going on here? What's going on is that you had an expectation for your day. You believed that you were going to arrive, turn on your computer, do some work, and suddenly reality isn't how you expected it to be. And we have expectations all the time. Like, you probably didn't realize you had an expectation that your computer would turn on, but when it didn't, you realize that that was part of your expectation. And we're expecting things all the time. All the time we're expecting the software when you click on it and it opens. You're expecting it to open and work. You're expecting your bus to be on time, you're expecting that your client will show up on your call. You're expecting to receive this email that you've been waiting for. So we always are imagining and expecting that these things will happen. And if you have really high demands, that's how I used to be and I've worked on it a lot. If you have very high demands on yourself and towards life, then the slightest thing that doesn't meet those demands or expectations, it's a nightmare. So I know this is late, or how can the plane be delayed 2 hours? This is terrible. Or why hasn't that person answered me? They said they'd answer before the end of the week. And so we have all these high demands because we put these high demands on ourselves. So we put it onto the outside world and if they don't answer back, frustration. And this is why we feel frustrated, because expectations don't match our reality. When expectations don't match our reality, or rather our reality doesn't match our expectations, that what we thought and wanted to happen doesn't happen. This frustration is actually you resisting reality because you want it to be different. And here's the part that's really funny and really ironic, is that when you resist reality, you're far less likely to be able to change and impact it. Because all of your thoughts and all of your energy are going against reality. Instead of accepting this as a new situation and finding a solution or a way forward, let's take an example. So let's say your bus doesn't show up and so it's cold winter's morning, you walk to the bus and the bus isn't coming. Now, the more energy you spend resisting this situation, getting angry, getting upset, asking people around, you bloom, bloom and getting all boiled up inside and frustrated, the less energy you have to find an alternative. And by alternative, maybe this is the only bus, right, and you have no other trams or ways of transport to get there. Well, that's fine. Then you might need to work from home. Let's say you can't work from home because you left your computer in the office. Then maybe you take out your phone, you cancel the calls. So there's loads of things that you can do that might not be solving exactly the situation. It might not get you to where you want it to be, which is maybe at the office, but it would improve the situation. And all the energy you're putting in resisting isn't improving the situation. This is super obvious on a rational perspective. But when things happen, we forget it. When that computer crashes on the moment, or that software isn't answering, or you have this really important zoom call and it freezes, you forget that if you lose your calm and lose your call, it's making the situation worse. Or it's keeping it at the same level. And if you manage to ground yourself and think rationally and accept the situation as it is, then you're able to function better. So what are some of the key thoughts that I have that help me to not feel this frustration? The very first thought, and this is quite a tricky one in some ways, for many of us to accept, is that whatever I plan, whatever my expectations are, whatever I'm aiming for, it's all hypothetical and it can all crash. And so I have this innate or I'm working on, because obviously it's not always there, but it's more and more there this innate thought and feeling that everything is just that's the aim. That's what I'm working towards, that's what I'm expecting towards the day. But I'm perfectly aware that there are parameters that are totally outside of my control that can just change everything. And it's like the computer example, right? My aim is I come up at work and I'm going to work on this report, okay, my computer is not turning on change of aim. And so the way I see it is, I see it slightly as a game. Like, this is what I'm doing. This is where I'm going, oh, the rules have suddenly changed. Now what do I do? So I've gamified my reality to look at everything as, these are now the cards that I've been given. What's the best move I can do in this situation? And maybe I wanted to do this totally other move. That was awesome. But now the opponent has changed the rule, has changed the circumstances. So now I have these new rules. What do I do? And it's a bit like if you're playing chess and you have in mind this amazing, like, checkmate in three moves, and then your opponent does this fantastic thing and it changes the thing totally, and then you're like, okay, now what's the best I can do? The checkmate three move is out. Now? What can I do? And we don't think about reality like this. And the reason is because we want control. We want to feel in control. And guess what? You're not. And I'm sorry, and it's hard and I love control. It's cool, but we're not in control. And we know this, but we deceive ourselves and we tell ourselves we can control it. So when something doesn't happen to match our expectations, it makes us all go weird inside because we lose the control. We never had it. We had an aim. And then life happens. And when you start to have this perception of reality, it becomes a lot more playful and it becomes a lot more enjoyable because, yes, it's not enjoyable per se, when your computer doesn't show up, turn on, or the bus doesn't show up, but you start to see it as, okay, these are the new cards. Now what? These are new cards. Now what? And when you have something planned that's super important for you, and then it's canceled. Or then you fall sick so you can't go to this amazing event you've been waiting for for months, this concert. And in those moments, I think both, okay, these are the new cards. Now what? And what's the best move? I can take ground myself emotionally as quick as I can. Of course, it depends on circumstances. Some things are harder than others. And then I also look at what am I learning here? Because when you see every challenging situation as a learning point, that's also more rewarding. If you just think, oh, I don't get to go to this concert. It sucks. You're not learning or enjoying much. Now if you think, okay, these are the new cars. Why am I learning? Okay. I'm learning that even when I look forward to something for months, maybe sometimes it doesn't happen. I'm learning maybe patience. I'm learning to be flexible, adjust my plans. And so it's really about this perception, understanding that nothing's in your control. That doesn't mean make zero plans, doesn't mean don't shop for work because maybe the bus won't come or your computer won't turn on. It just means, okay, when these things happen, you are reminded that everything you were aiming for was just that's the aim, that's the goal. And maybe things can happen, and that's okay. And that's a big part of life. A big philosophy around this is linked to Taoism and Wu Wei just embracing the way and not forcing in another way. So this internal resistance to reality isn't helpful. I also think about Eckhart Toll, and I absolutely love his book The Power of now. And he explains that sometimes we view the present moment as an obstacle or as an enemy. And that's typically the example, right? When the bus doesn't come, suddenly, the present moment is viewed as an enemy. It's viewed as an obstacle. That's not what you wanted. So you create this internal resistance, and that can lead to that frustration, impatience, anger, and you don't need that. You really don't. And it doesn't help the situation. So realizing this, not just intellectually, but on the moment and changing your perception in these moments, gamifying it a bit, these are the cards. How can I be flexible? Truly? It's life changing, seriously. I used to feel frustration daily basis for the tiniest things. And I don't. Not really. I'm trying to think, but yes, maybe it'll happen for a brief moment, but then I use what I've just explained caused being dealt. What am I learning here? Best way to respond, grounding myself to being calm. And then it goes away. So it really is magical. That's why I wanted to share this with you. Because I feel that getting rid of that extra little dose of frustration and seeing everything as being flexible and learning points is so useful. And I can't finish this episode without mentioning meditation. And I know I've done several episodes on it before that you can check out. And the reason I say this is because that gap, that gap between when something happens and you respond and you react, that small brief moment where you see that the bus isn't coming and you have that response, there's a brief moment. And this moment is where you have your greatest freedom. And that's your ability to respond to this situation. That's where you can choose to stay calm or grounded and act in a more equanimous way, in a more calm way. And this gap is really strengthened when you meditate, just physiologically on a brain level, it's strengthened. So if you practice meditation regularly, and I'm talking 15 minutes a day, half now a day, if you don't have a meditation practice, begin with five and grow from there. This will make it a lot easier for you not to get frustrated. Seriously, it's like, yes, game changer, game changer, game changer. Because you will strengthen this gap. So what happens is this. You see bus isn't coming and there's a pause, and that pause is longer. So you're not as impulsive and you think, okay, so the bus isn't coming. New information, let me process it. Okay, this is what I'm going to do. And seriously, this is what happens. And if you're a monk and you meditate all the time, it's probably bus isn't coming. So the bus isn't coming. Okay, well, I'll walk instead. And there's just like this gap is like really long. And that's the opposite of when you're impulsive and you don't even feel the gap you see and you're immediately angry or frustrated. But by strengthening the gap, you can choose your response. And this is also a really powerful tool to no longer feeling that frustration or anger. Okay, I realize I went into a lot of detail here and I covered a lot of things, reminder or sort of summary of what I talked about, which is A, realize you're not in control, but that doesn't mean don't make plans, have your aim, but know that at any moment the cards can change. And then look at it as, how do you best deal with the cards you've been given in that situation? And even if it's not what you originally wanted, this is what is now. And therefore, what do you do with it? And instead of seeing the present moment as an enemy or an obstacle, see it as, this is the present moment. The faster you accept it, the easier you can deal with it. And you can also think, what are you learning in this situation? How is this helping you to grow? What soft skills are you learning that can help you in the future to be more resilient, patient, persevering, and last but not least, meditate. Meditate. It is so life changing. You can have guided meditations or silent ones or it doesn't matter anything, or just having a walking meditation in a forest. But this will really help you to ground yourself and to not be as impulsive. Totally life changing. I would recommend it in every episode. Changed my life. And so there we go. Meditate, meditate, meditate. And if you don't, just remember it's all a game. Those are the cards. What are the best ways in which you can respond and what are you learning? I hope this helps you. I hope you no longer feel frustration or anger or impulsivity in your life and instead you can embrace and learn as circumstances as life flows. So hope you enjoyed it. Please leave me a comment how this has been useful, and you can also leave a review on Apple podcasts that would mean the world to me. So thank you so much for tuning in and wishing you a truly magical and wonderful day.
[17:07] Thank you so much for tuning in today to the Focus Bee show. I would absolutely love to hear your feedback. So let me know in an Apple review or YouTube comment what was most valuable for you. And feel free to share this episode with a friend or a family member. Wishing you a wonderful, magical and focused day ahead.