Live better and longer with the fitness show hosted by fitness expert author and tv personality fitz kohler she'll tell you why diets are dumb supplements or snake oil and the truth about how you can earn a lean hard pain-free and athletic body now for our favorite bossy blonde fitz kohler. Music. It's a fitzy mini it's so cute. Well, hi team. I'm Fitz Kohler, your very noisy race announcer from Fitzness.com. And welcome to the Fitzness show. It's a Fitzy mini.
So cute. That's right. A tiny episode that you can snack on right before bed. Calorie free. In fact, okay. So we're going to talk a little bit about triathlon. This episode, again, small, I think power packed. I'm going to start. They don't even know I'm doing this, but I'm part of a Facebook group called Pathetic Triathletes Group, which is phenomenal. It's a group of grownups who do triathlon and don't take themselves seriously. Now, here's the deal. They train seriously.
They perform seriously, but none of them have, well, most of them don't have big egos about it. They're just out to have fun and be healthy and they are funny as hell. And so the other day I saw a prompt come up, things you can say during a triathlon and also in the bedroom. And I just thought, you know what? I got to share. So we're going to do two tacky minutes with the Pathetic Triathletes Group. And I'm going to give you their suggestions and all the things you can say during
a triathlon and also in the bedroom. and then I'm going to tell you about my best slash worst triathlon. All right, here we go. Two tacky minutes with our pathetic triathletes, things you can say during triathlon and also in the bedroom. Why did I do this? My ass hurts. On your left. Oh my gosh, that was so bad. You're almost there. You're never almost there, by the way. This is long and hard, but I'm going to finish. Aid station ahead. I hope not.
Oh, nice cadence. Don't quit now. Do you have a spare tube? I'm dead. I thought it was supposed to be hard. Everything is so sweaty. That third leg is hard. I'm starting to cramp. 15 more minutes and I can get goo. And if you're having goo during sex, good for you. If you need goo during sex, high five. I'm exhausted. Four more hours. Have to hydrate. This goo is making me gag. You are a very naughty boy, Kevin Cooper. I'm just going to slide right in here. What's that smell?
I am never doing this again. Wow, that was fast. Great in triathlon, not so great in bed. It's impossible to stay in zone two. F this. I think I need more lube. Don't stop. Almost there. Honey, you're all wet. Keep going. Don't stop. Almost there. There's a theme here. I started out faster than I should have. Uh-oh. Remember, darling, start off slow. It's not a sprint. That dismount was less than ideal. Boom. Finish first. And if you finish first, shame on you.
All right, folks, that was it. Thank you to the tackiest, most pathetic triathletes on earth. I love you guys. And we will be right back. Do your hips, glutes, quads, and hamstrings need extra support while running? Of course they do. Both soothing and comfortable compression tights by Leo Reve boosts blood and lymphatic circulation while increasing muscle pliability, which helps prevent fatigue and injury.
Made for men and women of all speeds. Check out the superior your balanced compression tights made right here in America. Visit leoreve.com. That's L-E-O-R-E-V-E-R.com. We're back. All right. I'm going to tell you about my most pathetic triathlon. So I finished chemo in 2020. And if you've heard this before, too bad. Tune out or listen again, because it's going to be short. I keep it short.
But I finished 15 months of chemo in May of 2020. It's during the COVID thing, everything shut down except for, thank goodness, Florida. Florida is open. And so I finished chemo, I think May 10th, 2020. And then a month later, I sign up for, or a month later, I show up to do a Spartan 5K, which is an obstacle course race. It's in Jacksonville, Florida. And I was so excited to get back out there and just start living again, right?
I mean, I have lived during treatment, but to get much of the poison out of my body, I was really excited to go move and just have fun. So I go to Jacksonville and I do the 5k. I don't do it fast. I just go and have the time of my life. It's muddy because it's been storming and the, and the trail is coated with mud and. And it's flooded, and I just have the best time. I fail for many of the strength challenges, but who cared? It was great.
So I come out of there, and I see that there is a mini sprint triathlon happening in Claremont, Florida, which is about an hour south of Gainesville. And I thought, well, I could do that. Now, mind you, I had been cycling on a stationary bike, and I had been walking and I had been swimming for exercise. So I thought for sure, I can do this. No problem. And the distances, oh, I don't know. I mean, the swim was only a couple of hundred yards in a lake and the bike was 11 miles.
And the run, I think it was maybe a 5k, something like that. So none of it was egregious and I was feeling cocky and motivated. So I said, yep, I'm going to do it. So a week after this Spartan 5K, still straight out of chemo, still super scrawny and weak. I'm going to go do this triathlon. I'm alive. Hooray for me. So I get there, get the bike set up in transition and I go down to the lake. It's probably, I don't know, a couple hundred people doing this, this distance.
There's bigger distances going on that day. But for my distance, the super sprint, there was maybe a couple hundred. So I'm first. I, for some reason, I line up first, I'm raring to go, and they blow the air horn or whatever they did to start the race. I dive into the lake and immediately start hyperventilating. Immediately. Now, I had swam hundreds of laps in the pool at the gym while training or just getting fit. I get in this lake and I instantly start hyperventilating.
So I'm first in, and then I end up being last. Dead last out of the lake. I am passed by old elderly people. I am passed by pregnant women. I am passed by children. I am floating and backstroking and doing anything I can to not drown and finish this swim portion. So I start off and not great shape, but whatever. I get out and I'm just feeling so proud. Look at me. That should be the hardest part of this triathlon. And so I go over to transition and I get my bike and the helmet and I get going.
And here's the thing. Florida is flat. Florida is so freaking flat, but not Claremont and also not the street I live on. There's two hills in Florida and I have gone toe to toe with them. And really the two of them kicked my butt. But yeah, Claremont is very hilly. So I start riding and the first block of this, this ride is kind of uphill and I struggle, struggle, struggle. I get up the hill and then I, I make it to a place where I can ride, but I guess, I don't know.
I don't know how far I was riding when I was exercising, just trying to get fit, maybe five miles on the stationary bike. And this lake is really, really big. And I remember getting over to probably about the eight mile marker, looking across the Blake at the finish line set up thinking, oh my gosh, that is really freaking far. That is so far. I was struggling so bad. I don't think I've ever... Rode 11 miles on a bike before. I just, I've run very far.
I've run plenty of half marathons. And recently I did the Boston Marathon or kind of recently, but anyways, I don't think I've ever ridden that far in my life. And I just thought, eh, it's bike riding, no big deal. So mile eight, I'm kind of dying over there. I'm just, I'm really tiring, but I can do it. I'm talking to myself. You can do hard things, blah, blah, blah. And I get over to what's probably the last block of the race. And I'm pretty sure the street was straight up, right?
It's the only 90 degree road in Florida and I hit it and maybe I get 10 feet up the street in this incline and I can no longer pedal anymore. That's it. I just can't pedal anymore. And then now I'm hyperventilating, full-blown. Just, I can't make any sense. I can't say words. I'm just stuck. So I dismount my bike and I'm standing next to it. And the volunteer, this guy, I think his name was Kevin. He comes over and he's shouting, you can do it. He's saying all the right things,
but no, I could not do it. I could not move. And I'm just stuck there. And I look behind me and there's the cop. That's right. The follow you, make sure everybody gets home safely cop, right behind me with the lights on. That's right. And she, I think it was a female in the car, just staring at me, shaking her head like, what is wrong with you? Because I think people probably thought I looked fit. I mean, at least I was trim. I wasn't overweight. I possibly look like a person
who should be able to do this event that I should not have been dead last. Yeah. But there I was stuck in the middle of the road, just hyperventilating. And I couldn't even tell Kevin, the volunteer, that I had chemo, cancer. I just couldn't do it. So I was just stuck there looking like a wimp. And so while I'm standing there hyperventilating, I look like a mess, I'm certain.
But all that was going through my mind, even though it was so hard and I was suffering, was how cool it was that the suffering I was doing on that day was way more awesome than the suffering I was doing a year prior, right? A year prior, I was in the throes of the worst, most god-awful chemo they've ever given anybody. And then, yeah, this was hard and this sucked, but hooray, I was doing a triathlon instead of sitting in an infusion chair or lying in bed or whatever.
So yeah, I convinced myself to get up that hill and finish the freaking bike portion and drop my bike off. And I went through the running leg, probably doing more walking than I did running. But I crossed that finish line again, dead freaking last. And I've never been so proud of myself. That was it. I was so freaking proud. You would have thought I won the entire thing, the Olympic distance. You would have thought I was the number one athlete out there.
But yeah, just sometimes our worst experiences are the best. And I don't look at that experience, even though I struggled. I like struggling for exercise. It's cool to be on that kind of struggle bus. And it always confuses me when... People come through my marathon finish lines that I'm announcing or even 5K, whatever, and they're embarrassed to be dead last. And I think, oh my gosh, well, clearly you're the one who challenged yourself the most, right?
You're the success story. You're the one that's the biggest surprise. And of course, nobody out there knew what my surprise was, but it was awesome. It was so awesome. Yeah, I was giddy. I crossed that finish line. And even though I was kind of beat up, I just thought, hooray for Fitz Kohler. I'm awesome. Yay. That's what I thought. So, so there you go. That was my best slash worst triathlon and it was awesome.
So if you have a grizzly triathlon experience you'd like to share with me, go ahead and do it. Go to fitness.com and click appear on the show on the fitness show. And maybe I'll bring you on to tell your ridiculous story. Hey, pathetic triathletes, thank you for all of your inappropriate comments. I love you. And I don't engage in that group so much, but I'm always there lurking around and y'all make me happy.
And I hope perhaps you'll take a pause from triathlon and come visit me in just a race race or even an obstacle course race because I'm making happy noise at a lot of those. But that's it. Thanks for listening to the Fitzy Mini. I told you it would be cute. So cute. If you haven't done so yet, click follow on the Fitsness Show wherever you listen. If you'd like to leave a review or rating, that would be super nice. And let's connect on Instagram or Facebook. Say hi.
Don't just follow. I'd much rather have friends than followers. So follow and then say hello. And then we can be besties. I love you. Get to work. Bye, team. Are you looking for the perfect gift for a loved one battling cancer? The Cancer Comeback Series by Fitz Kohler offers hope, inspiration, and practical guidance. with Your Healthy Cancer Comeback, My Noisy Cancer Comeback, and The Healthy Cancer Comeback Journal. These books are a lifeline for all patients and survivors.
Right now, you can order autographed copies at a special discount. Show your support and help a loved one go from sick to strong. Visit Fitzness.com today. That's F-I-T-Z-N-E-S-S.com. Fitzness.com.