Your Favorite Disease

four hours or not enough. It is the Fifth Hour, which likely will have very few sports references in this edition. But it's me Ben Mallory. Hey, I hope you're doing well, having a good weekend here as the weekend has begun. If you hear the Fifth Hour, that means that the weekend is underway for us, because it only debuts it only at this point. It only goes out when we're

not doing the the Overnight Show. But uh and and I have again not by popular demand, David Gascon, who is writing Shotgun back in the Saddle, trying to sabotage what's going to be a very appetizing I would say even juicy edition of the Fifth Hour. So here's what we have that the menu. So I like to give the menu out so you know what's what to look

forward to, so you don't miss anything. But on today's edition in the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and that other guy Gascon affectionately known as Gagon, we gave him a new nickname last week. If you missed the podcast, go back and download last week's podcast Gascon's new nickname and homage to Penn and teller bullshit, that's his new nickname. So it's exciting there we can't say that word on

this Thank god for that. I've been a big advocate over the years of the word ship and we are very happy that we get to include that word in the podcast. I feel it's a good word. It's a solid word. It's a word that we should all be able to use as adults. Anyway, this is gonna be like a juicy lucy burger. You ever had a juicy lucy burger? With about it? In Vegas, here, in Los Angeles,

sometimes in New York. Of course, it's such a world traveler, such a bragg braggert, as they say, right of course, alright, So we have the weather Ranger. That's a new thing, the weather Ranger food picks that's inspired by Marcel and Brooklyn. We just mentioned a food dish. What else do we

have on the rundown? We have study this. That's another thing that we're going to experiment with here on the fifth This is pretty much you're you're you're all guinea pigs and we're just trying stuff to see what works. We're throwing spaghetti against the wall to see anything stakes. And we have it's in the bag for the third consecutive fifth hour with Ben Maller and Gagon, we have it's in the bag. And also don't stick the sports

stories of the week. So that's what we got. What we start with the weather and this inspired not by the Mexican doppler which Roberto has, is this is the Mega Mallard doppler, which we have on this show. But the story here, I saw this the other day and I feel like we need to spend more time on this.

So there was a study done that compiled all of the weather caused fatalities the people that met their demise because of in many ways an act of God right because either stream weather and one condition or another some massive storm or something like that. And what they did is they put a chart together of the United States, and it's not just the continental United States, also includes

Alaska and Hawaii. And I always curious if you're hypochondriact type of person, you think you're gonna meet your your demise. But I think most of us are like that. Like if you see something on the news that there's some pandemic going around, and I know I often think about crap, I probably have it. I'm like, oh man, I'm I'm screwed. I got that whatever that is, you know, even if it's like one out of every seven million people, I'm like, I must be the one. I must be the one.

And then you're going like web Md, which we often kid around about on the Overnight show Guests Gone, But you go on web Md and you type in your symptoms and you are convinced you are you have stage seven cancer and you're going to die within like a month, right? Is that? Is that the first thing you do before you go to bed or when you wake up in

the morning when you're not feeling well. Uh well, I usually I've been feeling pretty good since I did this I changed my diet and I haven't had any problem. But but if I do get sick, I'm like, okay, this is every time I get a cold. I'm like, it's never gonna go away. I'm gonna have a cold forever and ever. This is gonna be the rest of my life. I'm gonna have laryngitis and as a nightmare. But amazingly, so far, everything I've had is gone away,

so that's positive. But anyway, alright, so what we're gonna do here for this little exercise, guest, you can keep track of this, all right? You will pick a state. You've got fifty options here. Now, don't pick main because I already used Maine on the radio show, but just picking a random state, and then we'll see if you can guess what the weather related cause of death and the most frequent cause of people dying in that particular state. All right, fair enough? All right? So where where do

you want to start here? And I know you have a a fiction affliction with Montana? Do you want to start with Montana? Affection for Montana? Yeah, I mean chef's choice. Let's do Montana first, then chef's choice. Alright, very good, I'm gonna lead you to water, so hopefully you will drink here. Now, what do you think the leading cause of that? There's three according to this map that I have here, there's three things that have led to the demise most often weather related demise of people in the

last What do you think, I'm gonna say tornadoes? No, that is not on the list, alright, right, anything else? You got any other I'm gonna say Montana, I'll say something easy. Rain kind of it's it's lightning one of them. Most of the state, you are most likely to die with an avalanche. That there could be an avalanche on you, and that's what you're gonna die. And just extreme cold in the northern part of Montana. Uh. And that's that's

actually true of pretty much the entire Upper Midwest. Is like our friends in Minnesota, we a lot of guys that love the show The Mallet of Militia Men in Minnesota. But like you live in Minnesota, You've got It's weird because you've got most of the state the leading cause of weather related death is extreme cold. You also at the very top, you've got this this area where you could you know, the flood thing and then the very bottom,

which is odd to me. You've got extreme heat, how hot, and only it gets that hot, you know what I mean. I don't know. I was, And that's that's fascinating because in maybe we're gonna look at different states. But I mean, don't forget the Super Bowls in Minnesota a couple of years ago, and fortunate for our Fox crew, everyone was inside because the entire week it was reason temperatures were we're close to single digits. I think the entire time

they were out there before opening kickoff. So well, they got all those catwalks right in Minnesota. Like, I've only been to the airport in Minnesota. I guess spend some time there, like to hang out, but there's only like two months a year you can go where the weather is beautiful, and the rest of the time it's like what the hell is going on there? Yeah, you can just hang out in the world's biggest mall, I guess

for the time being. Right, Well, they and they've got all those tunnels, right, That's why my guys in Minnesota says, well, during the winter, we just don't go outside. I remember a story the late great Sean Rooks. You probably do. You remember good guy he met his untimely demise, very sad a few years ago. But Sean looks I was sitting with him. Uh and the Prince of darkness Lee Klein, who you you know, and that we should get him on this podcast. But you don't want any guests, no, no, no,

guard everything. We had a conversation with some tacos with Lee and you cut off the conversation with Lee because he was spinning all the way down the rabbits hole and you don't want me to go down there with them. Well, because Lee, when you and I love and there's a lot of people that follow me that remember Lee as a talk show host. He worked at Fox briefly and but and the Idea of Sports show with him long

and twenty years ago. But he's mostly a political like KFI, which is the big news station l A. Worked I think KBC also, which is a talk station in l A. And so, but he you go to dinner with him, and he goes into talk show political talk show mode where he's like breaking down the government and he hates all politicians, Republican, Democrat, pretty much all of them. So he just unloads on on everyone, uh, the entire time and it's uh, it's unnerving and never ending, and but

I love him anyway. He's entertaining, but he's just over the top. But he was giving me some great stories and we were having a serious conversation eating some tacos, and then you butt in and you tell me the story that you had with him where you had him doing opening monologue to dead air. Well, well, yeah, I'd like to have him on too. Reminisce about that. But one of the great stories. And radio so we were and we did we did this show. I was back in the local radio days. It was like, uh, the

old West. I mean it was it was ridiculous, man, with the kind of stuff. It was animal House and and all that back in those days. And so we we remember the station was kind of start up station and we were all doing remote. We're doing extra shows on the weekend night, a show during the week at night, and then we had a Saturday morning show because the program director determined dudes get up early on Saturday because they have to do their their work around the house

and run errands and all that crep. So they're people listening on Saturday. It's like it's a morning drive, you know. It's built a lot of people, big audience on a Saturday morning. So whatever, right, we'll do a Saturday show. So we did a lot of remotes. We go to these different restaurants and stores and whatnot. We you do in local radio, at least in those days, and they don't think gonna do it that much anymore. So we showed up. Uh we we uh we would go on

as your us. But but Lee had a show after ours, and sometimes we would go to different places. This particular Saturday, Uh, Lee somehow ended up at a remote we were not at. So we were on the air, we got off the air, and they could not the the engineer had trouble connecting

to Lee on the remote broadcast site. And so for some reason, the person on site, the engineer was apparently afraid to tell Lee the issue, because you know, Lee has a bit of a temper, and so so they just told him to start the show like it was a regular show, and then uh, they finally connected by the end of the very end of the monologue he did. And then I I was standing right behind the board op and I I jumped on the microphone. I said, Hey, Lee,

that was a wonderful monologue. Nobody heard it, and he got so upset. He was so so, so vicious. Yeah, there's a bunch of lead Cline stories. I gotta get back to Sean ro because Sean looks my Minnesota story gas Gun so uh. He's telling me he played with the Timberwolves back in the day and he didn't realize how cold it got Minnesota. He said he was running errands, like on a day off for the Timberwolves, and he went and got a cup of coffee and then he

went to the bank. He like, he said, he uh, he had to go get some some money or whatever the bank, just to do his banking. So he parked the car in front of the bank. It's like one of those five minute things, you know where. I was gonna park it here, and he forgot to close his door right all the way came back and he had from a piping hot coffee, he had an ice coffee by the time he got back in like five minutes. It was that cool old man. That's how insane is that?

That that is that is brutal. I remember my first ever trip to Chicago a few years ago. I actually went in January, and I think it was during the a f C Division round matchup where Tennessee lost at New England. And I had gone to a Blackhawks game at the United Center that night and I had gone outside for I kid you not, Ben maybe seven to eight minutes at the post and my ears were like bricks. It was so painful. And I had no ear mufs. I had gloves on but a jacket. But you know,

being from Los Angeles, I didn't. I didn't. I don't have a lot of winter attire, right, so going out there, I've done the same I'm as dumb as you. I've done the same thing I was in when I when I did that TV thing for like a year, they flew me back to Connecticut every month, and I would you know, even you know, in the winter, you know, and so I we would go out sometimes after the show or whatever. We'd go There was Bobby vs. Bobby.

Valentine's got a restaurant in Stanford, Connecticut was my spot because it was close to the to the hotel. It was like, uh, you know, four blocks from the hotel.

I was standing out whatever. So I go there and in the winter, I remember it was it was really like ridiculously cold, and Stanford, Connectic it gets colder, but even you get that cold, it was really cold and so but for some reason, I was like, you know, I didn't want to take a cab or an uber and I don't even if they had uber back then, but I didn't want to take a cab, and so I was like, I just walk, you know, it's no big deal. And by the time I got back, I

thought I had frost bite. By the time I got back to the hotel, I was like, what am I doing? The whole I mean, it's just yeah, I think it's partially because you're not prepared for It's like you put somebody in the really extreme heat that's not used to it. You're you know what I mean, he's part of it. Were at least wearing pants because I know you're not a pants kind of guy. You're usually bath robe. You know, I live the bohemian lifestyle. Yeah, you do. Here at

I blame my wife for that. She's responsible for the influence of the bohemian lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that. The Voyer experience with the with the Mallards. Right, alright, so another state, give me how about this, let's do what about Hawaii? Hawaii. Alright, No, Hawaii is a small state. There's only one thing, there's not multiple things. What do you think would be the weather related cause of people's demise in Hawaii? Something that is perfectly avoidable. I'm gonna say, um,

weather related? What all these are? Weather related? I mean that's why we're doing. Yes, whether you said weather related but avoidable, yes, yes, it's this is I'll just give you the answer. They they say that the leading cause of fatalities in Hawaii, it's weather related. No extreme surf. You know when they have the storms come through and those idiots are out on their surfboards and they get

they get smashed by a wave and they die. That's leading cause of weather related I was in Hawaii one time with my wife a couple of years ago, and they had We were to kmart, which tells you how good our trip to Hawaii was. In the area, well, there was a costco, but the kmart was going out of business, so we had to get the rug mother and uh so we went there and watch your language.

I'm gonna tell your your parents about that day. Anyway. So, uh so, as in in the kmart and there was a tropical storm that had come through and the power turned off in the kmart. We were sitting you on the pitch black in this big warehouse store thing. And then uh, and then I had to go and get the car. And it was so I got so wet and so drenched from that like a monsoon or a typhoon or whatever. It was insane. It was like the worst that in in Buffalo were the two worst weather

like related things that I've been in. When I was driving out of Buffalo down to back to New York City and the weather it was, I had to stop on the New York Expressway because I could not see in front or behind me, and I was worried I was gonna hit a car, but everyone was stopped. It was I've never seen that before. Now since from the land of earthquakes, you bring this up, are you prepared

for a natural disaster here in California? Do you have like an emergency kit and some some supplies and good So the way I'll answer that, first of all, I uh, I am not. My wife is though, so I feel like I'm the beneficiary of that that she is because she works at the police station and all that, so she's got all the you know, these ey tell her, you know, they tell you what you're supposed to have and when you light flashlights and food rations and all.

So she's got all that stuff. But but no, I mean, I don't think anyone's actually prepared for if it's a massive earthquake, it's like, you know, ten point seven or something like that on the Richter scale. I don't think it really matters what you have. But in my entire life, it's two things have been true my entire life. People have said that soccer is gonna become the most popular

sport in America. That's never happened. And they've also said that the big ones about to hit California, it's gonna fall off into the Pacific Ocean. And I know most people, uh, let's see east of the Mississippi and maybe even some west wish it would happen. Hasn't happened yet, No, not yet, not yet. All right, it's another state. Then let's go to Uh, what about New York, New York York. Now

New York's like two states in one. All right. So, by the way, if you're just late to the podcast, that no one actually gets late to the podcast at this point, if you fast forward, so it's the weather Ranger. It's a new second is a study out that says leading cause of weather fatalities from eighteen all Right, New York. You've got southern New York and then the rest of the states. So in in like Manhattan, the leading cause of death is in the other boroughs of New York

City is heat. Extreme heat. You know there's nasty August September days where it just gets brutal. Yeah, I mean, it's just smells like death in New York, especially when you're walking down the streets of Manhattan and Brooklyn, because yeah, I mean, temperatures are up. The humanities what's Well, the reason it smells like death is because they have to put their trash out every day in New York and the trash just cooks in in the heat. Well, they

actually do that in the middle of the night. I remember earlier this year when I made a trip to New York City. I was walking home from a night on the town, and I think I got back at three or four o'clock in the morning, and I was in Lower Manhattan and before that's an unholy hour, guest, but that happens at that time in the morning. Who cares, it's New York. But to get into my hotel Ben, Honest to god, I had to go around bags of trash. No, no,

I know, that's what I listen. I'm a night guy, obviously, and I when my brother lives in Manhattan and we go back there and I'm out problems In New York. Everyone says everything is open all night, the city that never sleeps. That's bullshit from was it Sinatra? That's something that's his bullshit? All right? No, it trusts me most of Manhattan at night. And I've I've lived the life where I was like, oh, it's three in the morning, let me go out and have a nice meal. And

like pretty much every restaurant is closed. You can get the corner Delhi subway in that subway, but the mom and pop sandwich shops you can get like a turkey sandwich or something like that. But there's not an endless amount of food options, even in a place like New York.

I remember me and my wife went on we were in Times Square and we were walking around like to one third in the morning, and we there's like one one or two places that was it that was opened anyway, so lower men like New York City heat, the rest of New York the leading cause of death weather related, got flash floods, which is really the center trull part. And then in in western and very upper New York, you've got like where albuddy, isn't that, You've got wind

that wind related demises. So it's three different or four different things, not three different things. Yeah, I mean, that's that was my first thought with Hawaii because you mentioned the surf for the high surf tides, but also the volcano ash volcanoes erupting and if they if they do, you're blowing the the lava any kind of small sparks and flow that goes onto the houses and forests and whatnot. And that was my my first stop of wind. Yeah, that's uh, that's right up there. What about give me

like Alabama? Alabama? All right, let's go to Alabama. So the leading cause of people's demise in Alabama. There's two things. Actually there's there's a few more than two things. You gotta go down to the to the Gulf. Football, but you've got yeah, that's right, Auburn football. You've got the very top extreme heat. People dying because of the oppressive heat of the South, and you've got torn a does in the most of Alabama. You're you're leading cause of

dying by weather is a tornado. Do you have any friends that are in that industry of chasing down tornadoes? Do not? I've seen those shows. I've I've seen the videos on YouTube and stuff, but I'm not would you do? You should do that? How much would you have to get paid to do that? They put you in like an armored car you drive around chasing the tornado. I got a buddy that does it, and he's actually from Chicago. He's making well over six figures. But so, yeah, we

should do that. Guests, why not go move to Kansas or something like that, or moved to Arkansas yourself? Well, I'd rather stay here and and you know, slave away under a high microphone to cater to you really stealing material. Well, listen, if it's not a radio show, stupid podcast, if it's any if it's any kind of consolation for you. You typically have a track record of having producers that are somehow oft um. Well that was true up until Cooper Loop.

Up It's Cooper Loop. I. I went through producers pretty much twice a year, there would be a different producer, but it's been remarkable. Cooper Loop has stuck around and he appears to be there for the long haul. That's not had the change. We've had the same crew. I know Danny got out of there, but we had Roberto has been there for a while now, and so we've had the same same group overnight consistency, which is odd to me. I'm not used to consistency. I don't. I don't.

I don't do well with consistency. We'll get rid of you on this show at some point, well we might. I mean, you did accuse me of being the future Andrew Luck for this podcast, so I did say that. I I believe you will quit. I I believe you will get so frustrated. You will be so upset that they they're not gonna pay you or something like that, and you'll just be like, I'm out. See I can't

get frustrated. Part of the reason for that is I feel like this podcast with us is like Rocky four, or I go into Russia and there's everybody on your militia that really hates my guts or can't stand me, and all of a sudden, slowly but surely I start winning them over. I went over the crowd, and yeah, that's not happening like you and no, no, Then you picked there's only one, the Rocky two, right, that was the that was the movie Rocky Too. They didn't keep

making good Rocky movies. They just kept making Rocky movies. They weren't good. But you picked Rocky four as a Rocky two was the top, that was superior to all the other Rocky movies. Well, no, Rocky four is probably the best. Then Rocky Too, then Rocky three, then the original Rocky and then after that it doesn't exist. I mean, you can't incorrect. You can't. You cannot have Rocky four is not being your number one, goes into a hostile environment, wins over, and he ends the Cold War. Yeah it

was a movie. He didn't end the Cold for I understand that. Yeah, thanks for yeah, watching that, it's good. Yeah, alright, another state? Can we do? Can we move on? We do two more states and then we got more We get to do the whole thing on a damn a. It was a it was a bit. I mean, we're doing the weather Ranger and we're playing such grab bass here. We don't even get through the damn states. We'll have to bring it back next week. Get me Vermont and

Rhode Island a combination right there? All right? Well, yeah, you picked very small northeast. Why would you pick those states? Don't? Why not? Because people don't talk about Rhode Island and Vermont. No one cares about those two states. Well Vermont, yeah, certain politicians. That gets uh the leading cause of your demise, and Vermont in the burn is wind wind related. That's all over like Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and also Rhode

Island as well. So that that whole win. And there's a little part where the flash floods will do you in You ever been in a flash flood? No? Never, And I mean we've been close here in southern California on a couple of different occasions. I lived in San Diego and we had them pretty bad in the middle mid two thousands, like two thousand five, two thousand six. But when you're stuck in the five freeway, you know this because you were down there for quite a bit.

But when you're stuck down the five Freeway, you're s o l. You can't move anywhere because there's no other freeways or roads you can get off of once you're near Camp Peddleton. So there was flashford warnings, the flood warnings that came about the middle of the night. I mean, you're screwed. So you have to set that thing out and waited out. So probably the closest I've ever come. Yeah, San Diego. The traffic there is like with the eight and the oh that was a nightmare two back in

the eight, the fifteen, and the five. Yeah, that's pretty much it. That's the big the big arteries there are. Are you done with this? The weather things? That's fine. You seem annoyed with Oh no, no, I mean just you picked your your pick of states was odd to me, like you should try to appeal to where the listeners. We have a lot of listeners in Florida mentioned Florida. Well, well we know what what Florida is. It's going to be hurricanes. No, not on the list. Very by Miami,

like the southern part, like Key West Miami. That part they have hurricane. But the rest of the state. No, you got lightning and rip current. Rip current. Alright, imagine going down because you're out in the water and you get sucked out to to see and you meet your demise. Where are the majority of your listeners live Texas? Yes, yeah, there's a lot of people in Texas. Flash flood, a lot of flash flood, a lot of heat. Missouri. Uh, you got cold winter weather up top Missouri, also flash flood,

heat and just flooding in general. Washington, Washington State, you got avalanche and then flood and wind in the southern part, like right on the Oregon border. There. So all right, let's Alaska. Give me Alaska. Alright, Alaska. There's there's two things. Now, this is the only state that has this as a weather related cause of death. Is one thing, you've got most of the state's avalanche, you know, out looking at a polar bear and you're getting you know, knocked on

your head. Uh. And then the other one is a brief flows. What is that? I don't even know what that is? What is that? I don't know? They classified as a debris flow. Do you have any listeners in Alaska? Yeah, we've had. We're on the radio and Anchorage and uh and some other places. So I've gotten calls from people in Alaska. And it's good because it's earlier in Alaska. I've gotten more calls from Hawaii over the years. In Alaska.

But yeah, there's like my friend Jay who we should get on the Whizz of Odds gambling college football gambling guy. And he's in He's in Alaska like all the time, all right, he's he he loves that I did a rod race. In fact, he's there right now, and he sends me photos like he's out on the front and he'll send me these these photos of everyone freezing their ass off in the I did a rod race with

all the dogs. All right, here's the fifth hour with Ben Maller and David Gas gone unfortunately, but time now for we're moving on. Let's go to food picks. You want food picks. Who doesn't like food? But this is inspired by Marcel Now. Restaurants are always trying to get you to come into the Star. Every business wants you to come to the store, trying new items to get our fat asses to go in there and open up our wallet. So we're gonna see if any of these items are worthy or I got a bunch of I

won't go through all of them because it will take forever. Uh, these are new items, some of them will be permanent. Most of them were just test items or limited time options at restaurants. These are national chains they picked out because we've got to keep it on a national level. I've got Chipotle their their new item here. Recently they just added carne asada to their to their menu there, Kanye started a snake eight fifty per entree in or out on the newest item there. Yeah, I'll do it.

You got try at least once, right, especially since you're we're here in southern California or allot the Mexican food. You love Carnisi when you came to an event at the Mallard Mansion, which for some reason my wife foolishly invited you to. Uh you did bring carne asada. I brought carney, I brought some boil. Uh yeah, I mean you didn't bring a lot. You're you're a big fan of the carnie. You were burning most of the other meats. I thought I would do something different. It's actually cooking

it properly. Now you're doing your barbecuing it and you're making the meat just look charcoal black. And I came to the rescue. Spoiler alert, It's delicious. That's what be sure to catch. Live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific on Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app. Uh. Panera bread. This is Baja Grain Bowl and Mediterranean grain bowl. So they're going big on the grain. They've got long grain

brown rice mixed with red and golden quinoa. Has always say how you said? Uh, grilled citrus pepper chicken. It's qu i n o A yea queen what? I never? What is that? It's like it's like rice. O, what is this rice? Because it's not rice, it's keen one. Now, I mean, I'm out on this. I'm not you know, Panera bread not my own, my spot. My wife likes it, but I'm out. I don't want the grain bowl. If I if I was a farm animal, I eat grain. I'm out too healthy for I don't want any part

of that sounds disgusting. Uh. The veggie grill, Who the hell goes to the how did this end up on the list? The veggie girl they've got They got a fake cheese steak that you can get which is a plant based beyond Burger beef substitute. And then they have all the other traditional stuff that you put in a nice traditional Philly cheese steak thirteen fifty. Uh no, I mean, why, what's the point if you really want to eat a

cheese steak, eat a cheese steak. If you're if you don't eat, eat a bunch of lettuce or something like that. You know, best cheese steak you've ever had Philadelphia obviously homemade? Uh come on, homemade? No no, no, no, no, let me tell you something. Alright, Me and my wife, we've figured this out. There's a costco not far from where we live, and they serve thin cut ribby the same

kind that they make the restaurant quality cheese steak. And I have I have a grittle at the Mallard mansion and we might make it this you can guess gon I might be partaking. My wife brought that up the other day that we should have have some of this cheese steak because he can make it up. You put the onions out there, I cut up some peppers. I make a mean cheese day. You've not had one of my cheese steaks? Have you? Do I get an invite

for this weekend's festivities? No, not at all. Well, I think we are actually I think there's an event that we might be taking part. I don't know if that's gonna make the show. Maybe we'll save that for next week. What else? We've got Checkers and rallies. You ever eating in the Checkers and rallies or whatever? You're Yeah, it's just it's depends on where you are. They called the same thing. They've got a cheese loaded burger. This is like we're talking about the Juicy Lucy. It's a new item.

Two seasoned beef patties with melted pepper jack cheese between them. It's only like two nine nine, which tells you it's probably not the highest quality. But they have that, and uh yeah, if I was Checkers a rally, I would go with it. Why not give a shot? Sounds like it's not that bad. A subway. This sounds like something that would be in my wheelhouse, not your a wheelhouse, but subway naturally. Pit smoked brisket sandwich sounds great, sounds wonderful. Right.

They say briskets smoked for at least thirteen hours, not less than that, not twelve, not eleven, it's gonna be thirteen hours and top with smoked cheddar cheese, barbecue sauce on Italian bread. That sounds good as it's only available through November six. I used to be a big Subway guy before I got married. My wife does not like Subway. I don't go there anymore, but I used to go there all the time when I was living the bachelor lifestyle was in my rotation. Back when I was doing

the eatings of trying to lose weight. I thought I was gonna be like Jared from Subway. I'd like to not be man. Don't go down that road. Uh. Jack in the Box one of the great light, late night foody run restaurants. Jack in the Box, you've got the really big chicken sandwich. Have you seen the billboards on this around in l A? Looks pretty? Three or four chick and breast patties on a bun. You got the mayo, onion, sauce, iceberg lettuce. Pass on that tomato, No thanks. Melted Swiss

style cheese. I like how they say Swiss style, which means it's probably not cheese. Uh. Nine for a double, four for a triple and if you're going big five nine to clog not really your arteries, but just to clog the what's fried and you get to fries in a drink as well. Would you be happy ending a long three or four day fast with something like that? Yeah, probably not, But if I like, I don't. The only

fast food I really eat is Raising Canes. That's that's been my my staple, the great chicken finger Shack, which I love. I don't think you've been the one. You will at some point. There's a Raising Canes opening here in the next month at the Mallard Mansion mansion, so you will have to go and then partake. But no, like Jack in the Box is one of those things. I used to have a Jack in the Box close

when I lived in Lincoln Heights. It was a Jack in the Box real close to where I live, and so I would go there and that was, you know, kind of late night getting off the air, gett a bite to the the eat or something like that, and that in Tommy's. I love Tommy's, which is an l A thing. I don't think it's outside of l A. Maybe a couple of other places, but the chief chili cheeseburger Tommy's one in the morning man hits the spot for now

for breakfast at Jack in the Box. What would you get back in the day, I would get the French toast that was my the French toast sticks at the at Jack in the Box, that would be my thing. All right, we're doing food picks in honor of marself. These are all items that are either temporary or now permanent new items at restaurants. I thought this would be something a little different. We have Taco Bell. They've got a couple of things that they've got, the black Bean

crunch Rap Supreme. They changed their menu. Cooper Loop was very upset about this because they this is a vegetarian thing, this black bean crunch Rap. I'm convinced that you know, on radio, we have consultants and they have meetings all the time about what's good and what's batten rightio in the fast food industry, the last year, all of them have decided to go with the vegetarian right. I mean everyone, Carl's that that hard ease um, all of them. Uh

go down the list, you're burger king. They've all got these vegetarian items and then they have the calorie listing as well. I know Chick fil A does that. A couple of other spots will have a listing per items, so you'll have the calorie intake right underneath them, Like that's the last thing you want to see, right, It's like it's like going on a date with a check and eventually you know you're gonna sleep with her. You don't want to know what the cout that she's on, right,

Just hey, let's just knock this out. Do you know how it works? Man? Women go they go low, men go high. But it doesn't matter because then you get these fools. They'll order something that's twelve calories and then say, hey, I want to diet coke too. I don't know if this is analogy fits here, but as far as like being freaked out by the number, as you said, of the partners, the person you're with could have I the

way I look all right. I think the analogy is if if there was a new plane that was a test plane, wouldn't you like someone else to test it to make sure that it works. Yeah, you don't want to get on the plane. You don't know if it's gonna land or not. Right, I mean it's you know, I mean it's a way to look at like driving a car. You can test drive that thing around the block a little bit. Wow, alright, I'm sure you've done a lot of test driving in your big study. You

heard stories. My wife was telling me a story about you the other day which I did not know that was true, and I thought, no, that's not. She said something happened after one of the parties there that I no, I didn't happen. She convinced it happened. Uh Taco Bell,

I'm sure you don't want to mention that. On the fifth Hour with Ben Mallard, guest got toasted cheddar chalupa that's seasoned beef or chicken, shredded lettuce, dice, tomatoes, grand grated cheddar, cheese, reduced fat, sour crimp, tortilla shell with six month aged cheddar baked on it. But it's only a test item in Charlotte. So if you're listening in Charlotte, you can get a toasted cheddar chalupa. Give a take.

I'm I don't need it. Sounds awful, I'm not. Uh elpoil local, which is a local staple of southern California in the southwest. UH Mexican chain. And we right across the street from our studios, the Premier Networks i Heeart Media Building in in Sherman Oaks, California. There's an Elpoil Loco where Magic Johnson. I've seen Magic Johnson in there and some other celebrities that live up in the hills. They come down there and eat their Eloil local. Uh

what do we have? We have chicken, taketos and guac. Three miniature tacos. Stuff was shredded ranchero chicken, guac, pico deguio cilantro and to all that and some chips in a drink for five bucks. I love the Takedo's. I'm big fan of the taketo. I've been an advocate for the takedo over the years. One of the great underrated dishes of our world is the takeito um. I used to get to Tito's a jack in the box. They

used to have those. I don't think still do back and that I love them, But this is all Poil Loco. I'd be And I'm not a big guawk guy. I don't need the guawk. I don't I don't want to guawk. I'm okay with it. I don't hate it, but I don't go out on my way for it. It's overpriced. But I would, I would, I would be okay with it, the Tito think, and they alays have chicken nachos. I'm good with that. Chicken nacho, cheese, some cilantro some maybe some basil on it, some salts, We're good with that.

No beans, though they put the pinto beans on there. I don't need that. I'm good moving on. I hoped they've got this promotion right now. These are new food items. It's food picks in honor of marcel I hop promotion with the Adams Family movie, which I guess is back doing it's thing here. Uh, They've got Wednesday's webcakes butter milk pancakes, top with cupcake icing and violet whipped topping

and webbed with Hershey's chocolate sirrup. It's a nine step If that sounds like it's for kids, doesn't it does? I don't think that's what going And this is also for kids. Uncle Fester's Chocolate ice cream Shake, Hershey's Chocolate ice cream Shake with violet whipped topping. Six fifty six fifty for a shake, man better. Yeah, I have not had a shaken in a while. I'm not against the shake, but it is a high calorie item. If you're worried about your fine girlish figure. It's it's a problem, KFC.

Let's go to KFC. This is a big one. This made the rounds up. You might have heard about this week. Chicken and doughnuts. Chicken and doughnuts at the KFC, which is which is just great. Now that's fried chicken served a nice, delicious thick breastpiece of the fried chicken fried up, perfectly served with a glazed donut, either on a sandwich with extra crispy breasted chicken and two no nuts that's five ninety nine, or as a meal with chicken on the bone or chicken tenders with one donut for five

forty nine. The donuts are also available on their Owny're charging a dollar at o nut at KFC, so they're getting into the donut business. It's only available though in Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, Virginia, in Pittsburgh. That's it. They're testing it in those markets. That's great because I mean you you actually advised me have moved out to that area many moods ago, somber. It could be on the horizon for me. That'll be in a future edition of the fifth Hour Career Advice.

Career Advice go work a full time job for Yeah. I think the line, which I believe is true, is that it's all for the story, right, He's all for the lifes, all for the story. I mean, think of the story you would have that if you did local television in what city was it? It was in West Virginia, Right, it's just like something blue. I forget what it was,

blew something West Virginia. Yeah, like an old sleepy town which probably the economy went in the toilet because of the industries, you know, leaving and all that and anyway, Uh, this can see thing. I would go with it. I think it's wonderful. Includes it sounds disgusting for a lot of people, but it's got the main ingredients that you need for for food, sugar, fat, and salt. Like anybody that does cooking, anybody that studied the culinary arts like me Gasco and I, I know that the three most

important food groups are salt, sugar, and fat. Right, You've got it. No, seriously, all food that we human beings like is de leave you conbind proper amounts of sugar, fat, and salt. It's wonderful. This has the fat from the and the salt from the chicken and the sugar from the from the doughnuts. So it's I'm sure it's it's wonderful. I'd have to eat that when I was a toxic kid.

I usually get the munches anyway. So well, that's that's any day that ends in a y. So you know, I'm not a frequent drinker, but if it's a Friday or Saturday night, you like those magic mushrooms, I'm not like the red of your like you're like, no, You're like, what's the podcast guy that we're trying to take down here, Joe? Yeah, the ayahuasca. Ayahuasca, Yeah, you gotta you actually have to have a chaperone to uh to take any of that. Have you had the iawaha? No, no, you you can

actually only get it in parts. I think it was at South America. Yeah. Do you think like Joe Rogan and these other Hollywood types like have access in the Hollywood Hills they're doing ayahuasca and those things. We should find that out. We should go explore. You recommended to one of our our colleagues, Steve to Sager, to take some tours around the Los Angeles air to see historic places.

We should do that we should get into the Mallard batmobile, that little tin can and start driving up the Hollywood Hills looking for ayahuasca. Yeah, okay, we could do Why don't you do that and get me you can report back, Giant Betton Mallard looking for Ayawaska the Hollywood Hills seven feet tall were in board shirts in the middle of the night because like a like a YouTube video that you could put out there that would be a big hit. All right, moving a last food story, and we gotta

get the ship sailing here again. The ships hit some some icebergs. Pizza Hut stuffed cheese it pizza. These are baked squares the cheese at squares with either cheese or pepperoni and cheese, served with a side of Maranera sauce sixty nine. This sounds really good to me. I'm not, I haven't. My grandpa, may he rest in peace, used to love the Pizza Hut. I used to go there all the time when as a kid because he for some reason, I mean not did not have the greatest

taste and pies, but he loved the Pizza Hut. And uh, but I used to go there all the time. I've been there in years, but I'd be down with this. I like cheese. It's I like pizza like you know, a little cheese and the cheese. It's sounds good to me. Marianera dipping in there. You you sent me this earlier in the week, and I was a big fan of this one. I thought, this is probably the best one that we've had on the menu so far tonight, and it's the last one, so we saved the best for last.

You see that works? All right? Study this now, we'll do a couple of these. I got a bunch of these, will just react. These are actual studies I found because I I One of my my sick twisted things that I like here is I like to see these studies. Even though most of them are quote your nickname bullshit. A lot of them are just you know, because you

you you have. The way these studies are done. I think a lot of them even though I I for some reason I pay attention to them is that you have a predetermined idea of the outcome, you know what I mean, And so it's predetermined, and so these are often predictable. It depends on who paid for the study and who bankrolled the study and all that stuff, so you can usually using conventional wisdom, you can kind of

figure out where it's going. But yet I still read them, and certain percentage of them I do not think are predominantly bullshit. But anyway, here's a new study that shows nearly one third of people don't wash their gym clothes in between workouts. The worst offenders here, according to the study, is people who go to the gym every day. Now, I go to the gym every day, but Gascon, You'll be happy to know I'm a sweater, all right, I M that's one of the great things. I don't have

a lot of good stuff in my DNA. There's a lot of terrible illnesses that I will likely get as I age here because my family has that stuff, and I'll meet an untimely demise because of one of those things in my DNA. But the one thing I love about my my DNA, my my family roots is that I am a huge sweater, and I feel like I accomplish a lot more than I probably do when I'm on the treadmill at the gym, because I sweat. Are you and I are you a bed sweater and in

a food sweater too? No, No, no, it's gotta be I gotta work up to a sweat. But I when I'm on the treadmill, I wear because this is this is the one thing I do where I my vanity. I want to show off how hard I'm working out. Because if you wear like a black shirt or a dark colored shirt at the gym, it doesn't show the sweat, right, So I wear gray. I wear the you know that that light gray because that shows all the sweat lines.

But I but I have my wife very good. She has uh She's purchased like like three or four sets of gym clothes, so I rotate them. But I yeah, I washed you. What about you? You sound like a guy that would not wash you stuff. I'm a frequent visitor of the gym, like yourself. But I gotta wash my clothes every single day. I mean there's days that i'll work out. My clothes actually smell like ammonia, which is really weird. I don't know why, but I want

to check your with your doctor. There might but I don't wear I'll wear shorts leggings underneath it to contain my sweat because I'm like you, I sweat like a bastard. Just all over the place or just you say, I'm just a bastard. Yeah, not that true. I'll wear sleeves. I'll wear long sleeve shirts because the same things sweating,

I can't. I don't like sweating all over like a treadmill or stair master or like I know you don't go to that area, but like the freeweight facility and the machines like wait for occasionally I will dabble with the weights, but I I mean do extreme weight loss stills. So I'm doing this the cardio to burn. I know you you lift wait burn Luney used to kemplaining to me al you lift what you lunium meathead would say, if you lift weights, you burn the calories all day long.

And hey, actually just do both. You do both to increase the metabolism and you lose weight in a faster amount of time. My time's valuable, guest, Yeah, I know. That's why you want to do it in a truncated amount of time as opposed to treadmill. For forty study this study. This bird populations in the United States and Canada have dropped by twenty nine percent since nineteen seventy. They say two point nine billion birds have been lost in almost fifty years, according to this new study. I

think this is bullshit. How do you account birds? All right? How the hell does one count birds? And how does one determine two point nine billion and not five billion or one billion or one hundred. It's bullshit. I don't believe. I'm calling bs on that too. All right, here's one, uh safe to sent. A third of Americans believe this is a good guest. This is I love the these studies that determine this apidity of humanity because it makes

me feel better about myself. But be sure to catch live editions of the Ben Maller Show week days at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific. One third of Americans believe they can get an STD from sitting on a toilet. From sitting on a toilet, well, you know, there's there's certain states right now in our Republic, namely where we're at in California. We we've had hepatitis outbreaks just walking down the streets. Actually came from Mexico to San Diego.

Now it's here in Los Angeles, they had threats of the bubonic plague. Oh so I like the fact that as people aren't getting uh what's the word I'm looking for. They're getting their shots to get certain things that have been eradicated. These things are coming back. Vaccines, Yeah, yeah, I mean I have a love hate relationship with medicine, you know, and I think most of us do. His dudes.

But uh, the things that they've come up with, the antidotes and things to prevent the bubonic not play, but some of these these long term illnesses that and then people are turning their back on. It just doesn't make sense to me. It's just so stupid. But if I grew up, if you gotta go, you gotta go. But if you're in a club or a bar, a restaurant, or are you going to are you going number two in the restaurant? Yeah, this is where men have a competitive advantage to women that we have the option. I

wouldn't do it too. I do a one. I wouldn't have a number of problem with the number number one. But they say the survey response wrongly think that they could contact an STD through physical contact, erroneously believe they could become infected from sharing a glass of water with someone diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease. Well, if you got if you got mono, you can get that way. Yeah, one had mono a couple of years ago. You're better though, right, Yeah? Recovered? Yeah,

fully operational. Thanks to your six respondents were able to correctly identify GNA rhea as a common STD, less than half named herpes and only could remember flamdia. So there you go, man, what's your favorite STD? What do you um favorite STD? Favorite way to die? I don't know, give me the name of the podcast that man, questions you never thought would be asked in a relaxed environment on a podcast, on this dope podcast. Yeah, that's something

we could ask your Rogan. How about that? WHOA all right? Oh answer, I'm not afraid like you. I'm not a coward. I think my favorite one when I was a kid that used to get talked about lot in school, well HIV but also her pies, you know, because it's you have a the rest of your life and the kids would be vicious about that and all that. But I think Dr Drew said something like I think it was fifteen years I said, like most people in their twenties at that time had herpes and they didn't even know

they had herpes. Some some ridiculous things like that so common. Anyway, all right, what do we have? Let's see moving on it's study this. We'll do a couple more of these things. Uh, you care about this study? Ten thousand hours study reveals five keys to being elite in your field? Does that interest you at all? No, it's all about connections or I guess here in l A what kind of plastic surgery you got? All right, we'll skip over that. Uh

here's one. Listening to music disturbs creativity, according to a new study. Does that do anything for you? I mean, do you listen to Do you listen to music when you prep for your shows? Uh? No, I don't. I usually I have to have laser like folks, I have in the past dabbled with. This is gonna sound elitist and snobbish, but I have done like mo start and

some classical music. What's on that? Well, nothing's wrong with it, But I sounded like, Uh, I feel like people listen to classical music or schmucks and the intellectuals and all those people that think they're better than everyone's. But I but it does, it does help. I I like some of the old Beethoven stuff. Modestart. I like the sound

of the it's it's good in the background. Yeah, it just kind of tones you down a little bit, right, Yeah, it's plus it it makes like your life's a movie when you hear classical music, like the background music, and a lot of movies they put some classical stuff. What else do we have? Uh for lunch? Pancakes for lunch? Most Americans feel second breakfast should be an official meals breakfast to brunch or just breakfast breakfast. Yeah, I'm not.

I'm not a big lover of the breakfast. I mean, I don't mind the breakfast foods, but I don't like to eat when I wake up. Usually. My wife, though, is she's all about that. I mean, she loves breakfast. If she could only eat breakfast, like pancakes and things like that all day, that's all she would eat breakfast. Where's the hierarchy though, Like do you go waffles to pancakes, to French toast or do you go French toast and

then work your way down? Yeah? But my breakfast stuff, I I would pancakes, a stack of pancakes with syrup. Traditional breakfast, uh, maple surface the way to go. I'd go with that the waffle. Not a big egg guy, but a nice omelet, like a cheese omelet would be pretty good. Not cereal, I'm over that. But yeah, mostly pancakes and the waffles and the hash browns, chicken friend steak and eggs. Yeah not not No, that's to me. That's more of like a lunch thing or a dinner thing.

What about what's your I'm French toast all the way, French toast. I mean, give carves, baby, and give me French toast. Waffles, pancakes, omelets are great, of course, No, no, they're great. Great breakfast brutos here in Los Angeles are fantastic from any kind of local shop. Yeah, the wife likes the breakfast burritos too. Not my thing. Yeah, I mean I'm a big I'm more of a fan of your wife than I am of you. Like I'm noticing a podcast with her. She's probably a lot more entertaining

and engaging. But no, we gotta, you know, gotta give the people what they want. As you would say, Fox Sports Radio has the best sports talk lineup in the nation. Catch all of our shows at Fox sports radio dot com and within the I Heart Radio app. Search f s R to listen live. You know what you're like guests going to work with You're like a hungry puppy that you're not potty trained, Like like you're like you don't let anything. Like we we were before this show.

We were setting up the studio and you were like, I was one minute, I was one minute behind where I was supposed to be and you are panicking. Well, it's like the buildings on fire. It's a five alarm fire and you're freaking out. One of us has a scared droll that doesn't allow for much movement. The other one has ability to freelance for another eighteen hours in the night. Don't forget you're the guy that actually made me fly down from northern California get here at an

appropriate time, so you're not getting an appropriate time. You messed up my schedule, you smuck. Moving on, new study shows thirty of dogs who belonged to obese owners were overweight, fat shaming twice, fat shaming the dog and fat shaming the fat people that have the They say that the researchers said that overweight dog owners were more likely to give the fatty disgusting sugary foods that they eat to share with their dog, and thus the dog, as a

trickle down effect, becomes obese. Do you do you have a dog? I do I have Bella. Thanks for listening to the show. I appreciate that we talked about Bella quite the bit. Bella is a great She's a lap dog, which I was against for so many years as a as a masculine, heterosexual male, I was against lap dogs. But but I love Bella. Bella is great. I I the ship suit is the way to go. Man, it's the sh it's it's it's wonderful. What do you what do you feed Bella? I love Bella because Bella doesn't

bark um. You know, you know she didn't. She didn't bark that much unless she's outside, which is good. I got that dog before that would bark all the time when circles around, barking, and I was like trying to sleep or I'm trying to focus on something here. The damn dog markets a nightmare. But the Bella is very mellow, very calm and and all that. So what do you feed her dog food? She's a dog if you dog, but I'll throw like I have leftovers. The ad will

throw the plate down. Have a field day with that, and then I'll nuke the plate get the germs off it. Uh. So, here's a study out that says a cure for the common cold it's possible, scientists say, after new study finds key protein. Of course, what's the weasel part of that statement? Guests, let's see if you know your weasel words? All right, I can repeat it one more time. All right, A cure for the common cold, it's possible, scientists say after

new study finds key protein possible. Yeah, clearly, I mean that's bullshit. It's also possible that it's not gonna lead to a cure for protect you how many studies I've seen to say, oh, the end of cancer is near. You know, of course, cancers like two hundred different diseases. It's just not one disease. There's just it's all under the cancer umbrella. But there's a million different forms of cancer. Uh. Anyway, all right, that's I think I think we're good on that, right,

I think we're good. So we're done. All right, we'll move on from that. It is the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and David Guest on the gag on You Love Him as Twitter account, gag on there on social media, very popular. Uh, and it's in the bag. All right, we'll we'll go through as many of this as you can. We'll we'll do rapid fire machine gun Kelly mob style. Okay, it's in the bag. And these are listener emails. These are emails sent in by listeners like yourself. And actually

these were posted on social media. Big shout out to the Mallard militia men and women on Facebook who really set most of these in. Usually I use Twitter, the Twitter machine for a lot of this stuff, but the Facebook. I feel like I get better questions on Facebook. I gotta spend more time on that Facebook anyway. This comes from Kay James Jeffrey, who I believe is in Sequoia, California, though I don't hold me to that, And he asked, are most of your listeners in mental health facilities or

mental health patients? All right, Jeffrey, guess which finger I'm holding up, you schmuck uh no number. So here's the thing about that there. I will admit that generally speaking, there is a high percentage of my regular callers that have dabbled in, uh some mental health issues. But but I'm I'm okay. I treat everyone kind of the same. Not it's some people like goof on and all that. I think we're all like that. But the people that call the show are their characters on the show. They're

part of the show. They're uh if they become regulars and all that stuff, and uh, the way I look at it, if you're calling an overnight radio show, almost always there's something kind of goofed up in your life, whether you've got a crappy schedule, you have insomnia, or you you did some drugs you shouldn't have done. Like, I think most people who listen have something a little. I think we're all strange, you know. It's like that old Door's song, Everyone's strange and all that stuff. Like

I think that to be true. So anyway, that's my my position. But as far as the actual percentage, if I would do the Mallard math on that, you know, people are strange, people are strange. When you're a stranger, I'm gonna go, you got some really smart people that call on your show too, though, I'll say that much that follow you, I mean they're undercover. They tweet or email you every so often. There, oh yeah, you want to name anybody that's under No, no, you told me

not to. It's your it's your your, your pocket of quality. You've got a big fan here. I I know she's a big fan of yours that loves you. Clearly hasn't met you, or she wouldn't love you. I don't discrew that. Wow leave from Phoenix writes in. He says, Ben, since you do not shout out on your regular radio show, can you can I get a shout out on the fifth hour? No, no, no, no. This is not a mainstream of a podcast. It's not. I mean, we're a renegade.

It's like a pirate radio stations. What we're doing pirate podcast and that's Joe Rogan and people like that do shout outs on the mainstream podcast. But we're not. So Lee, I am not going to give you a shout out. I'm not going to do it, Lee at all. I know you love your Arizona Cardinals. We should give him some some special homework assignment next time he goes to a Cardinals game. Spell check your damn poster. How about that?

If you're gonna try to bash Keyler Murray and send a tweet into Ben Maller, how about you grab the poster and spell check your damn print. All right, listen you dingle Berry. I want you to know what's such a Mama Luke that that guy Lee and Phoenix more to promote my career than you have or in many ways the company I work for, they don't pick the billboards up and all that from my show. That was

a walking human billboard. That was the equivalent of guy outside a restaurant wearing sandwich board saying you know so and so advertisement That's what Lee did. I lovely Lee's. Lee's in my inner circle for years because of that. I was wonderful. I love that he to guy do that. I've had a few people do that over the years, bring signs to games and stuff, and it's always getting kicked out of hilarious. You have you have the dog in Colorado right well, Parker the snow dog who's we

love Parker. Parker's like the unofficial mascout of the Broncos. He's got a von Miller jersey and all that I believe in. Parker's great And Parker was at the Broncos Bears game this past weekend in Chicago or in Denver rather and one of the security guards came up to the Parkers, the Parker's keeper, and said that the fan

of the show new Parker from our show. So did you tell the audience about your new publicists, Ben Maller or Brian for the Ben Maller Show, And oh yeah, yeah you got you got fans that are wearing billboards and now you've got a a Fox Sports radio colleague as your your formal publicist. Listen, I know everyone's upset here. You're jealous of the this story that Brian knows a

great writer. I mean, this guy should win a Pulitzer Prize. Okay, you understand this guy is an amazing He's like Shakespeare. He's a Mark Twain, he's Stephen King, He's Dr Seuss, He's Edward Edgar Allan Paul Who, Oscar Wilde, he's all the Ernest Hemingway, Charles Dickens. He's the pop laureate of

radio trade website. Yeah so so one of the radio twit trade webs If you're on social media, tweet you know, not that I want to promote myself, but I tweeted this out all over the center, out on Facebook and stuff, and yeah, they were. Brian works for a radio trade industry website and he wrote an interview with me and it was you know, it was cool. I thought it was neat. It was usually I don't read those things. I hate those things. I don't like to hear myself

on the radio. I don't like to read stories about me. Not that many people write stories about me. But I thought that came out no better than I anticipate. I always expect the worst, so it came out pretty good. He thought that way about this podcast, and we continue to hit good numbers. Now we doubled the podcast, will we double them again? Look at my goal for this podcast is to get us to six figures by the end of October, and I think we'll do it. Well, Well we got I did see that my guy in

in Medford. Uh, he was in San Francisco and was it Mark from Medford? I think that's his name, apologize if it's not, but he he was in San Francisco. Anyways, his kid he got his car broken into. He told the whole store in the radio earlier this week, and he he he did what I I said. I've I've I've kiddered around for like the last year, saying, if you really want to help the show out, uh, you know have if you kids have smartphones, subscribe to the podcast.

Your wife, you know, subscribe to the podcast. It doesn't and they don't actually have to present and be regular listeners. But it helps us out because we they look at how many subscribers we have, and that's a big thing to continue the podcast. Otherwise we'll get rid of the podcast if no one's actually subsgrimming. So it's it's an easy way to bump up our numbers. And if everyone listening, if you listening right now, added one person to the podcast,

we would end up doubling our audience every week. Right, If if everyone did that, it's I think that's an all Ponzi scheme for podcasting. I think, right well, I mean we gotta get paid in order to make it a Ponzi scheme. Man, that's a good point. We're not getting paid. Gail listener Gail from Covina, California, right since, she says, my husband was telling me about our five he worked too many hours. Gail says, that's eighty miles

one way. What a nightmare. Uh, and so he is too tired to ask questions, but on his behalf, Gail says, that's a good What a good wife Gail is? How great is that she's looking out for her husband anyway, Gail, she asked the question on behalf of her husband. Why does our five have an excructionary? Large number of commercials? All right, let's go to gascon gascon? Why are there so many commercials in this podcast? To give a count,

and if isial account, there's five total. There's one at the beginning, one at the end which people don't listen to can throw it closed out, and then three in the middle which are embedded in. The reason why is because we have so much content throughout the vast i Heart Media podcasting network that the sales team has assigned those advertisers to certain podcasts on the network and they

have now carried over onto ours. But we obviously would like to generate our own establishment of advertisers and sponsors. So that's why when you give out the email at the end of the podcast, they can come our way and we can change some of those things. Yeah, we would love it. Man. If you if you're in business, if you're big muckety muck and executive and believe it or not, guest On, some of these people actually listen to the show. Yeah, that's all right, I would I

would love to advertiser product. And you know, if you like what we do with the sleep number beds on the Overnight Show, we can do that kind of stuff on the podcast. One thing I am not afraid of, guest On, is going long on commercials. I am not opposed to that at all. You told us you will endorse the gay magazine if you get paid for it. So as I learned early on, guessing you haven't learned this yet. We in radio, we're really in the advertising

business because without the advertising, it's public radio. And then we're screwed. Uh. A J from Oxford, Michigan rights and he says, what the hell happened to Randy and Norman? One of my callers back in the day, Rookie of the Year to missing in Action? Ben. I feel like this is one of the great unspoken mysteries of the show. Was the shots potentially involved in the disappearance of Randy

in Norman, Oklahoma? The Militia demands answers also Tie or t Y from Santa Cruz's Who's Your Favorite caller of all time. He says, his is Randy. So two emails are two questions about Randy and Norman. Uh. And to answer the question, all I will tell you is what I know a J. I believe that Randy was abducted by aliens. Um no. I He got upset because of a commercial that I was voicing for True Car, which said the word bounce here. And he was so triggered.

You talk about the neurosis of people. I love Randy. I wish Randy would call again. I I'm upset that we lost Randy as a caller. I if anybody knows Randy, if Randy, if you're listening callers again. But Randy got so upset that I used the word bouncy here, he stopped calling the show. He that was the trigger for him. And who does that? Because I, by the way, here's a spoiler alert on this one. I don't write the copy on those commercials I am given by the sales

department in Fox. The commercials with the most of them have talking points. But that was a commercial that I had to read verbatim. I read it. I'm a trained seal. They put something in front of me. I'm gonna read it and so, you know, you guy quit the show because of that. But Randy's Randy was great and means so he had this this hokey delivery. We use a lot of Randy drops as well. He was he was pretty good. All right, we're doing it's in the bag.

We're gonna pick up the pace here because the fifth hour is going to turn into the sixth hour as well. Um, let's see here, let's get over one of these. Uh, here's one from Bob. Would you and the crew ever do remotes like at colleges? Yes, I would love to. That would be great. But the problem is it costs a lot of money for us to travel anywhere. And

that's if you know, that's that's that's the problem. I remember years ago I proposed going on a national tour on the radio show, getting some twenty four hour diners somewhere in a national chain to sponsor the show and just do remotes like I Hops or Denny's or you know, Norms or those twenty four hour restaurants. But that never happened. So I gotta be fun though, wouldn't that be fun in the morning? Yeah, you don't have to go to I mean, what cities would you choose, like at least

five throughout the country. You gotta be big Mallard malicious city. So like Kansas City in Minsota, we do well in in Minneapolis. Boston's been very good to me over the years. Uh where where else? Students at Seattle has been good to Seattle has been solid. We do pretty well there. We've been well lately in the Bay Area in San Francisco, which has been cool. We've got people on the big sports station there. Uh and uh, Houston actually, but it's

like a love hate thing. I think I would need like police escorts to go to Houston because of all the things I've said about the Astros and the Texans, Deshaun Watson those idiots over the years, and James Harden and whatnot. But i'd be that'd be fun, Jason writes in Jason from Ottawa. He's pretty funny, man, He says, when will scientists declare Brian win Horse to be in fact sasquatch your thoughts? Guess, guy, that's pretty damn good man.

That's really good. Wind Horse is a great basketball writer, you know. I actually when I did Ben Mallard dot Com, wind Horse was a local writer at the Akron Beacon Journal in the Cleveland area, and I featured some of his stuff and and uh we had some some correspondence from time to time, briefly early on. And he's I give him credit because you know, I used to look like he looks right now, and I would never go on television because I'd be like, oh my god, you know,

I don't know what I mean. He's gonna put people like that on TV? Him? And what's that guy in the bay, Ray Ratto? Right, that's the guy Ratto looks like he has no business being anywhere. He looks like a walrus. And uh, anyway, but he's I give him credit, and these guys are on TV. Jason Otto was other question, last one? When will there be a Ben Mallers sound board available? Let's go to Guescon again. This is your

domain there. Could you put a sound board of some of the great drops from callers and whatnot on the show, or just stupid things that I've said, Well, we could put I don't know, we could put a handful of them on here. I just feel that it will water down the authenticity of this podcast and also take away from what you guys do money through Friday? Is that fair? I think it is because people plus it's more work for you, and you don't want to do that. That's

not true. I mine you wouldn't get paid for it. I created that wonderful opening for to you. I actually wrote the copy for it, had it actually done in format it which people love. They've written emails and tweets about it. So I did that. Um wow, you know I want to take about why don't you do a victory lab run around? Go ahead? Much like Gayls, much like Gayle's husband d seventy five miles to come to the studio to record this for you. So I do a lot of do a lot of work for the

unappreciative Ben Mallory. You know you are such an eagle man. This is why the militia hates you. You are not a man of the people. You are not a man of the people. And they're all hard working people that works fifty hours a week. I'm I'm like one of them, blue collar, but much like myself, they follow the code of the West. You do take pride in your work. You finish what you start, but you don't brag about it. Okay,

because it's you do what you're supposed to do. I don't brag about so I'm gonna do the code of the West. I gotta teach you the code of the Well, moving on, don't stick to sports stories of the week. This is the tawdry taboo and bazaar that aren't sports source. Of course, most of this podcast has had nothing to do with sports. Uh guess god, this is your domain. Here one of the craziest bazaar, stupid stories that you've

seen all the last couple of days this week. Well, I'm happy you had a great transition talk of the last Well, how about this talk of the East? Dave East? Do you know who that is? Do not? Dave East is as a rapper. He's a New York City based rapper. And uh, I'm more West Coast rap. I know, well, what do you? I'm West Coast. I'm o g with Snoop. Yeah, Snoop you know California girls. Oh that was not really rapping, but yeah, alright, I bring him up because Snooper friends.

By the way, I sat next to Snoop at the lake. He's in front of me, but he was real close, did you no? I looked at his back game, but he did. Yeah, go ahead, all right, Well, Davey's, the rapper at New York was was pot last week in Las Vegas. And the reason why, um, he got a little after it after attending Drey's nightclub. I don't know. I know you don't go to night club US, but Dre's is an after hour nightclub, and uh, he was there, brought a couple of girls back to his hotel room

and actually had a threesome while having the three. While having the threesome, Ben, one of the women reportedly took a couple of bottles of champagne, didn't open them, but literally threw them at his dome. Officers came, Yeah, she was naked, of course she was. Officers came, took her statement. But then they also said he returned fire by throwing punches at her during this whole melee because reportedly she wasn't giving or he wasn't giving her enough of the business. Really, Yeah, alright,

couple of thoughts here. Number one, just I I don't know any other than what you told me, But my immediate knee jerk reaction, by theory is number one, that he was not giving this lady enough attention. He was focused more on the other lady, and it's very difficult. I've not done that the I'm sure you do that all the time, guest on the two against one or one of its too, But I I believe in that environment. The problem is that you have to multitask. It's like

chewing gum and walking at the same time. And it can be it can be a problematic. And the other thing is the law of unintended consequences. Right like you, as a guy, you get into something like that, you're thinking, everything's just gonna be like a movie you watch on your favorite smutty website. You know, everything would be great, everything gonna be perfect, And amazingly it does not working. What good luck to Papa Bear. I hope that he

gets another opportunity there and everything. How about this, You've you've been married for quite a while. Uh, not that long. I'm still in the wedding bliss stage of the marriage. If the miss has ever said, hey, Ben, we need to go down a different path in our uh sexual experiences, would you ever be open to that? Uh? No? I mean I I I would most likely say not, uh, just because I don't like to see myself naked. I'd like to think that I, if I could, I would

wear a burka at all times. My wife does not feel that way. My wife is a very beautiful woman, and she loves to to show off the beautiful skin and all that, her good looks and all that. But I'm not. I like to hide, so I I would feel, you know, bringing other people into the equation. Uh, third man in. You know they have a ruling hockey third man in. You can't do that. I bring that up because of this. You remember a K forty seven, right

Andre Carolinko, You saw just skinny guy. Well, Thomas middle Ditch. He's actually a television star for that show, A Silicon Value. Uh. He went on an interview recently with Playboy, which I don't know they still published material, but he actually said that I thought they went out of business. Yeah, I me did. I did too. Um. He said that an open relationship actually saved his marriage. He said, only after I got married was I like, Molly, I'm sorry, I

want to go non traditional here. So to her credit, we were able to figure this thing out and she said, yeah, let's figure this thing out all right. So the obviously is a why bother. I mean, if you're just gonna, you know, stoop anybody you want to stoop, then why what's the point of being marriage? Okay? So what if you're I know, there's like people have open marriages. I've heard of that. I mean, that's a thing, especially in entertainment.

People do it. Why don't say I'm an open marriage? Okay? So what about this though? What if you're a female and you get married to Tim Tebow, who reported is still a virgin and he's not cutting it in the sack? Yeah, if you're a female and you have your needs, do you go out the beaten path? Ah? I mean you should try to. I mean people have urges in you know, human nature takes over. I mean should try to avoid. I mean there are some devices you can get that

will help massage the situation there if you will. But I don't. Uh. The other the other thing about these these relationships and all this stuff. I mean, it's like the swinger clubs. I had a buddy mine years ago that went to one of these things, and uh, and it was telling me it was like it was all like disgusting old people, you know what I mean, it's the idea I think most guys have an idea that they and and I've not been to these things, so

maybe this guy was just it was one experience. But I mean, you envisioned this being again like a porno where everyone's beautiful and all that stuff. But I have a feeling that at these places, these swing clubs, that they're just disgusting, ugly people most of the time. I mean, there's probably a couple of good looking people, but I that's how I envisioned this. That's another reason for me not to take part. Fair enough, This is a special shout out to Chris and Houston. I know you will

love this story and the one on the podcast. Right he's demanding to come on the podcast. Chris wants to be our first guest. Well, he's actually coming on right now in a special kind of way. Bena, a Houston man, was recently wanted by authorities, and the reason why was because he actually filed and completed a divorce without his wife's permission, so he could he committed aggravated perjury when he went through the divorce process signing all the documents

without his wife's can scent Wow? Yeah, Like I I saw that this is an amazing story to me. All Right, this is cloak and dagger, this is outlaw, this is bootleg, this is all of those adjectives. What a like villainist type slimeball. But at the same time you're the arch villain. But you respect, you respect the effort that I wouldn't even think that you could pull something like. Obviously he

didn't pull this off. But you I imagine, and I don't know if this is true enough, but imagine the whole time this is going on, He's not tipping his wife off at all. Right, he's just you know, living his married life, and and he's filling out all the paperwork and all this stuff. And uh, he's completely in the clueless about the whole thing. I love the effort.

How about the effort on this one. Uh, an eight hundred pound opioid cooking spoon was actually delivered to the front door of Johnson Johnson's New Jersey campus just a couple of days ago by an activist and an artist Ben This this thing is huge. It's like, it's obviously a real life form, but eight hundred pounds. It's a curve spoon. So I guess the best way to describe it as if you ever watched the Matrix and they bent the spoon one way, it was pretty much it's

an old magic trick. You can bend spoons. You get the spoon hot, you can bend it. Uh it is did did the lame jokes were actually earlier in the week, But did the spoon smack down? Guests kind of get it? Was it delivered by Aunt Hazel? Did she come out there? And yeah, special kind of stuff. So it's a ten ft long, eight hundred pounds spoon, and obviously it's dedicaid towards the opioid crisis here in the United States. So run the front doorstep of Johnson and Johnson. That's that's

a pretty solid move. It's a yeah, Johnson and Johnson. We all these these drug companies are facing these living lawsuits and some of them are settling and stuff. I've been reading these stories. But the the heroin thing, it's a big deal. It's a big problem. I got a lot of guys that listen to me that have had either been on the heroin or they're on the heroine right now, or Fenton all or all that stuff. Man,

it's a big it's a big problem. And I it's it's it sucks because people start out they need the stuff, they get injured or something like that, the doctors give it to him, and then they get addicted to it, and then they're buying the crap on the backyards and garages and stuff like that. It sucks. Speaking of crapple and on a on a low note here, Um, I know how a teen was actually busted a couple of days ago. He was sent I want to hear you

give this story. That's what I would like to do this so Ohio teen was actually sentenced to jail after he admitted to uh serving his teacher a crepe. Um. Yeah, Ben, it was part of a bad joke during a cooking competition. The crepe just wasn't any original kind of crepe with maybe some bananas and whipped cream and some eggs in it. It was a semen tainted crepe that he served to his teacher in the Navy. He's a seaman of yours. My rim shot, I need a rim shot, Yeah, God,

I need a rim shot. That's a bad job, but you yeah, that's right. Thirty days in jail and the detention center for obviously uh supplying his teacher with a tainted covered creepe. Yeah. I mean, here's how I relate to this story. Not that I've ever eaten a crepe in that in that way, but we get said a lot of mail listen that way. Well we we well, we get sent mail food from listening a couple of days ago. I know. Yeah, well we're not that's an

HR matter. We're not supposed to be talking. That's with I heart HR. But um. But but yeah, so I I get sent food and and and stuff, and most of it if it's if it's open, you're you're always concerned, right If your listener comes and brings food in, you don't know if they've added some extra spices on it or whatever their own their own touch. But usually I'll have Coope eat some of it first or one of the other guys, and and we'll see if it's any

good or not. And then if they don't die within an hour, I figure it's probably pretty good, so I'll just I'll have something. Here's the thing, though, this is a tricky spot because this teenager wasn't the only one. He, along with seven other students, were actually accused of the assault and for the crimes so execution wise, I'm gonna have some listeners that give us an idea of how this thing would go down. Well, I would think that it's pretty obvious how it would go down. You need

to get the substance. How do you get the substance? But would you feel comfortable with six other participants in this prank with you? Well, you think they all stood around in a circle at the same time and did this? Is that what you're like? I would imagine they just passed this thing, this thing around is all your turn going to do your business? I don't know. I'm not the baker here. I like that all these uh, these

young young people that do this kind of stuff. Everything's recorded so right, It's like everything's documented with a cell phone vide you know. It's just wonderful. That's where that's good. That's what we got for the five stories. All right, very good. So there it is an extended version. I boy, I'm he's listening right now and extending version of the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and David Guescot. So if you want to contact us, send a question in for

a future episode. Tells you love us, hate us, give us that feedback. We get on the radio show. We need it on the podcast as well. It's it's very important. Guestcott needs an ego massaged. I don't. I'm okay with that, but email me. It's the real fifth Hour Gmail, the real, the real. I'm sorry, I thought it was just real. Maybe give me got the wrong email address or maybe I just said the wrong one. All right, now you see now you're confusing me. It's a bad job by you, Guestcott, okay,

Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. I need you to do me a favor though. I need you to change the password because I get these emails straight to my phone and every time it's an indication it comes from this account, and it's all spam, like what are you looking at on your computer? Because I get all this junk email from you know, for prescription pills and for singles one in the date. I don't get any of that. I don't get any of that. And uh and I will warn you if you email the real

just real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. Guesstcon reads all the email first. I'll go there and everything as soon as you send it. In guest On such an egomaniac, he will have to read like hill Billy, Myke or Greg or Jimmy or these guys. They'll send questions in Bill and these guys and and and guestcon Readson before I even have a chance to look at them, like I get I get open mail. I don't get unopened mail. I get open mail by the time I look at it. Because of you, and also hit us up on our

social media channels. We we really want to crank up the Reddit page. I'm a big fan of Reddit. I liked the product that they haven't read it, so probably the one. I'm on the most of the social media pages for stuff to talk about on the show, and it's interesting. I love it. So it's uh the reddit subreddit is Ben Maller's show. So if you're on Reddit,

you know what that is. Suburb at Ben mallor in the Facebook page, uh is great Ben Maller Show, by the one Ready and the Facebook page Ben Mallers Show as well, and then on Twitter just Ben Maller and those are the ways to reach it. So I have a great weekend. We'll be back on Sunday night to recap week three in the NFL on the radio show and to also download Benny Versus the Penny, the other podcast, which won't be that long this week unless unless we

change some schedules around. We'll get to all that uh, and we'll do it on the next edition of the Fifth Hour, So have a great weekend.