Vegas Drum Sticks

Ben Maller starts right now in the air everywhere. Another weekend is here, and of course, well Saturday, Saturday, Saturday and a Fifth Hour with Ben Mallor and Danny g is upon us in the Magic Podcast studio, and Danny, I am excited to be here on a Saturday. Uh clear. Yes, the checks in the mail unless it's not. Unless it's not. But I do, I do have some good story to tell. I'm looking forward to because some of the stuff I

probably should have gotten to on the radio show. Oh hell now, yeah, But I felt like we could go a little more in depth on the podcast. So you went to Vegas a few weeks ago, I just went to Vegas last weekend. And so we're gonna have the Mallard travel log on this edition of the Fifth Hour, which is a tremendously important piece of audio content that many people did not realize they need, but desperately, one that is much better than hearing you suddenly becoming an

expert on NBA and college basketball. Yeah no, no, no, no, yeah no no, that's not not going on. But so I've got on the Mallard travel Log. We've got ammonia Mania, Tabernacle, Welcome to Suckersville, and of course odds and ends, kids say the darndest things, and uh and a whole lot more so that I think we should just get right into him. I don't wanna know small talk, right, I mean, is anything you wanna begin with your dan, anything that that's really on on the tip of your tongue, as

Marcel would say, Let's get into it. Yeah, alright. So the Mallard Travelog, now, we we had Scott Farrell on last week on Friday, and then I scdaddled to lost Wages and about I visited Vegas, first time I had been there in almost three years since the pandemic began. I dodged since city. This was not intentional, but I just didn't want to go anywhere. I said, you know, travel was kind of shutdown. Vegas was shut down So now why did I end my truancy? Why was this

trip different than than all as well? Mainly the reason I went was because my wife was going out of town with her girl ends, so she thought, hey, you should go to Vegas. So I was like, all right, I'll go to Vegas. Whatever. So I did a guy's trip to UH to Vegas. I went with one of my my buddies. I've known this guy since high school, gambling buddy of mind hunter. And we packed up the old station wagon and headed to the gambling mecca of of Laws Ages, Nevada. There and UH and I drove. Now,

I'm not a big flyer dandy. I don't fly. I don't think. I think. I've only flown to Vegas once and that was when one of the fight companies paid for me to fly there. But other than that, I actually don't mind the drive drivers. I'm into the drive. I'm hip with the drive, so I just feel like it's it's a better way to go. I like all the desert towns. I kind of know certain restaurants in Barstow and Apple Valley and places like that. Between l A and UH in Vague. Did you stop in beautiful Baker.

You know, I didn't stop in Baker this time. I waived at Baker on the way there. Uh, stopped in Apple Valley, Okay, which is I think the mark, and then Barstow is like the fifty percent mark, and then Baker, California is it's about seventy give or take um, but rather uneventful drive. I did lose a bet though, on the way there. I thought I knew where Zizi's Road is, and it turns out that I guessed wrong. Yeah, it's actually right before Baker. Well yeah, I thought it was.

For some reason, I thought it was after Baker, and I f that up because I wasn't paying attention, clearly, because I always get excited when you see Zizi's Road. That's one of the most famous roads in America. And they I think they actually did a little movie about Zizi's Road, if I remember correct. I lost the bet. I lost like a five dollar bet, So that was a bubber. We did stop in Prim. We got a little late start on the trip to Vegas, and we wanted a wager on some of the early NBA games.

They start in the afternoon, so we made it to two Prim, which is right across the California border. If you're not familiar with the geography, this is the Mallar travel Log, which is an amazing, amazing piece of audio. So I made it to Prim. One of the hotels Buffalo Bills completely closed. That's where the old Rickety roller coaster is. Yeah, yeah, that's that place is shut down. So there's only Whiskey Peats on one side, and then

there's the Prim Valley Resort. But Whiskey Peats doesn't have a sports book, so we had to go to the Prim Valley Resort because they've got a sports book. So I I wager and I did some handicapping and wagered on a an NBA gamean Mavericks plus the points against the jazz Insalt Lake. So I got that bed in. Then we headed down the road another forty miles or so from Prim to to Vegas Proper and we pulled up to the MGM Grant. Now, have you stayed at the MGM Grand Danny? Have you spent any time there

back in the day? Yeah? Yeah, I mean it's a massive, massive hotel. Uh and uh, the wife had actually booked. She got she found a cheap room online. Now normally in the past I would hit up a friend in Vegas and try to get camped. But I actually paid for the room, so that's a step in the right directions. I paid for the room and it was really cheap. It was a really good deal online until until Danny I went to check into the hotel because I paid

for it on one of the travel websites. And then they they said, well, you've got to pay for park and uh. And I said okay. And then then I said, well, that's kind of lame. And then they said, well you've got it. You've got this resort fee. You you've got to pay the resort fee and uh. I said, well that's stupid. Uh. And then they were like, well we we we have to actually charge your credit card an

extra hundred dollars for incidentals. By the time they got done bending me over the counter there just ram it. We were at if I if I'm right on the map, I think it was over three hundred dollars that they had taken. Yeah, some of that I got back, but to me, Danny and maybe I'm I'm not that right. So if you pay the resort fee, shouldn't that include the parking. Isn't that part of the resort fee? Why would that not be part of the resort. It's at

the resort, why would that not be part of the resort. No, you're absolutely right, And that's why you have to do a lot of research while you're booking for Vegas, because you need to see what that final bill is gonna look like. And if they have free parking, almost all of them are trying to charge something and at tax. It's not fun because we're helping to fund things like the brand new Allegiance Stadium. Yeah, it's it's crazy. That's pretty much what what I had to say to them,

I guess or they said to me. But yeah, man, oh man, what a scam. So they give you the cheap hotel online, you think you're getting a deal, and then you get there and you have to empty your pockets out somebody money, man oh man, oh man. Uh. And as many have pointed out, Danny and I love Vegas and I'll go back. I'll probably go back several times this year. I'm a big fan of eights. But when the mob was in control, that was when Vegas

was at its best. That's when they appreciated the customer, and they would give you free parking, they give you a big giant meal for like ten bucks, and it was amazing. Just no going there. You're gonna basically pay through the teeth. Yeah, there's there's a lot of that anyway. So after checking in and emptying out my pockets, quickly dumped the bags in the room and and made my way to the sports book and I had to get my other NBA locked. The people seem the Clippers plus

one and a half against the Lakers. That was my other NBA lock of Friday last Friday. Did you say the people Seemen the People's team a lot of your people, Danny Purple and gold people in the sports book and point. Did I enjoy their agony? I'm not gonna lie to you. I thought, boy, that is just wonderful watching them all squirm as their team lost to the Clippers with no no guys I've ever heard of on the Clippers and they still want it to what is still wrong with

the Clippers? It was enjoyable. You pay me five thousand dollars, I'll endorse a game magazine. It was absolutely enjoyed. Hell no, I would tell you though, those losses go down a lot easier with some championships in the back pocket. Well, they haven't had any since Kobe, any legitimate championship, all right. They just want to point that out. I think we

all know that Anty was basketball. That is a bogus championship, and it's been proven bogus the one, the one from how they performed in recent years, that that was just a product of them having four months off before the NBA Finals, royals having their problems on the road. I'm Ben Malick, and when they don't have four months off,

motherfuck they suck. Okay, that's the reality. But the Dodgers championship in the bubble, that one counts well, yes, because that was the most teams ever uh in the postseason. And baseball is it was against the norms of baseball. Forms of baseball are the it's a marathon, not a sprint. It is a marathon, not a sprint. But that season, okay, that particular season was a sprint and a lot of teams that were supposed to be good. And I covered

baseball all the time. One of the problems with baseball is those knuckleheads can take a month off and not play well for a month. And it doesn't really matter. You're just getting the playoffs and that's that. Get back to the story. So I enjoyed my time at the sports book, and I won both the bets that I made that day, and I was very happy with that. Paid some dividends because I have no no life. But

I only had one complaint. You know what that complaint was, Danny? Well, really quick, were you doing your famous Mallard calculator where you're like, okay, that's fifty towards the hotel they robbed me on? I did? I did? I said, I was like, how much do I have to get here to get my money back? So I'm squared up on the on the expense. I was absolutely doing that. Um. But my only complaint, Danny, was, and you don't know this, but it was the constant smell of ammonia, very strong smell

of ammonia. And I had to change seats three times in the book in the sports book there and the reason I had to change seats multiple times here, what do you think? What do you think happened here, Danny? Why would I have to do that? I'm gonna guess chain smoking was involved. Well, there was some chain smoking. That people were doing, but that was not it. It was Uh the reason that I changed seats three times. One of them was because of somebody doing some tremendous smoking.

I think they They don't mean in an ashtray. There their lungs of the ashtray. It was an amazing thing. Uh, never seen that kind of smoking. For then the other times I moved though, because of the constant smell of ammonia. It turns out the sports Book was double dipping as a homeless shelter, much to my amazement. Here we had multiple transience who had wandered off Las Vegas Boulevard the Strip and they were they were deep into You know,

there's different levels of anything. And those people that are homeless that are living in their cars and they try to take care of themselves and shower and do as much as they can, and it's difficult. Then there's the other group that is just let it go. And several of those homeless folks, those poor chaps we're in the sports book. One of them was sleeping, I fell asleep.

Another one was actually watching the games, but they both wreaked of urine and uh it was I mean, Doc Mike would have been in heaven, it would have been shangra la for Doc, but for the rest of us, it was like, holy crap, and what do we holy can only haven't want to watch the games. I got a little action on it, I got I got a homeless city breaking out of here was like, stopped the

fuck up? Man, oh man, oh man. Now, eventually security got over there, and it took it seemed like it took like an hour for them to show up and then move because legally there's a lot of hoops you gotta jump through to get someone to leave the place. So I did notice their technique, the securities technique, because they were multiple homeless people there. So they asked the homeless to head to wake him up, so that was number one. Then they got a head, he got a

photo I D and uh. And then you know, most hardcore homeless people don't have a photo I D. They're homeless. They don't have an address anyway, so they didn't have an I D. And they escorted them out to Las Vegas Boulevard. However, in a matter of truth and reporting here it turns out that you can take the homeless person out of the sports book, but you cannot take the smell out of the sports book that that was still p you it's not it's Tony, No, it's real.

It didn't happen, it happened. I was there. I saw it. Uh. It smelled like the men's room on a Jersey Turnpike that hadn't been cleaned in like four or five days. It was pretty crazy. And but I won my bets, and so eventually I went up and took a shower and the smell of pits went away. So there was that. So that was a lot has happened since Robert de naro A k Ace was kicked out of running the casino. Yeah,

things things have gotten a little bit different. The customer service. Uh, you know, I'm just I'm just saying, I'm just saying, all right now, that was a shaky start to my Vegas ship on Saturday, though Mallard travel log continues. Danny g. On Saturday the highlight I went over to the Fremont Street experienced. Now are you are you a big Fremont Street experience guy? I know you went to Vegas a

few weeks ago. Yeah, you're talking old Vegas, oh, downtown Vegas. Yeah, No, it reminds me too much of Reno and I need a shower. Were immediately, Oh yeah, yeah, I love that. Though I love that about it. It's very seedy. It's disgusting. Now while the vast majority of people out of town they go to Vegas, they all go to the Strip. That's the experience they want to me. The real Vegas is downtown Vegas. That's the real Vegas, that not the Strip. And the Strip is great and all, and I usually

stay on the Strip, but I love downtown Veggas. That area around the Golden Nugget. They got the zip line going right down the street is a strippers booze, any kind of pharmaceuticals you might need, degenerates, debauchery, but the good times, well, it's like Venice Beach. If Venice Beach had sex with Bourbon Street they had a baby, it would be Old Vegas. It's like New York's Times Square before they cleaned it up. Yeah, I went and how all the peep shows and all that before Giuliani got

in there and cleaned up. But you know, it's it's uh, it's a freak show. It's a carnival in in Fremont Street. So I found free parking which I was happy about. When I went over there, I was like, Oh, that's good. That's we're off to a good start. And so I, you know, it's winding around, and I love going to the Golden Nugget. They have the coolest pool and if you ever go to Vegas you have kids, they have a slide that goes right through the pool, and they

have a tank. Obviously it's filled with like sharks and you know, different kinds of fish, huge fish, and it's really awesome. They did a tremendous job, and so I always checked that out. And now the pool was closed because it was cold in Vegas. But then as I was walking out of the Golden Nugget, I saw the light. I saw the light, Danny, I saw it. I witnessed it. The brand new Circle Hotel. I didn't even know this

was a thing. I had been keeping up on Vegas, but since the last time I was in Vegas, they built this monstrosity of a hotel right across from the Golden Nugget. Brand spanking new, and it's so immaculate that they actually had a security guard checking your driver's license to get in. I'm wearing a bathround. I did to scan your driver's license. How crazy is that? Now? Did it look out of place around the rest of the

older structures. Well, it was very large, and that caught my attention, and it didn't look new, and I thought, well, that's not something I normally see in this part of town. So I normally, if I am asked to show my ID to go and do a building, I'm not I'm not gonna do it. I was very reluctant to hand over my driver's license. This is so stupid. So for me to walk into a casino, I gotta show my I D what is this? But I did? And uh, I gotta tell you. I walked in. I didn't know

what to expect. They're like, welcome, Mr Miller. Eat well, he exactly, Oh hey, Bill Miller. It was stunning, tip top condition, spotless. Now, part of it might have been that I had just walked through the Golden Nugget and a couple of other hotels that I think we're last updated in, so that might have been part of it. But this thing was nuts so and uncontaminated by the hoodlums outside the doors, the unwashed, and so I wandered around,

and I every corner I turned. I was like, wow, this is this is really cool, and then I had the Eureka moment there it was Casablanca, the Tabernacle. Uh, this is the sports book. But not just a sports book, Danny, this was a religious experience. Oh yes, this was a sanctuary, this sports book. The video boards three stories high. I sent out a photo on Twitter. Ye, this thing was amazing, Danny, three stories high. It had the quality of so Fi

Stadium meets Jerry's world. As far as you know the scoreboard, I'm sure Allegiance Stadium has a nic scoreboard. Two. I've never been there. Uh, but stadium style seating that that Musburger operation has studios there. Visten Baby, it was. It was intense. I was only planning on just walking through the hotel. I ended up staying there a couple of hours, and I was like, how so enamored? I was like

watching hockey games I didn't care about. I watched a U. C Irvine College basketball game shout out and Eaters that I really didn't I would not have watched. But I was like, Wow, this is amazing and it's so co haveent app you can download because they only have the audio for one of the games. There's every game you could possibly want, and so there's an app you can download and then listen to the different video feeds with the audio. So nice. I mean, I I don't think

they spared an expense on anything. And I'm already thinking, I when can I go back. I'm like, gotta, I gotta go check that out. And I'll stay in that part of Vegas and maybe I'll go over to the Plaza or something like that, which I think is one of the great spots for depression. And I like the Plaza. But there's a Greyhound bus station at the Plaza, and so you see people coming to Vegas on the Greyhound bus that have their last like dollar in their pocket.

And then you see people leaving Vegas that have their last dollar in their pocket. If you know what I'm saying, Danny, right, I mean, this is uh never, it's not boring, it's it's interesting. So the last I got a couple more things here on the Mallard Travelogue. I know we're getting a little long on this. Welcome to Suckersville. So over the years, as you know, Danny, because I worked with you for a long time, you know, I have ranted about avoiding when you go to a place like Vegas.

You want to avoid being an easy mark. You don't you want to be the sucker. And so I've done p s A s on the radio. I've done interventions and so I know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two over the years when it comes to sports betting and gambling and all that, and and many people are just reckless, and money management is part of it, but the biggest thing is discipline and keep your eye on the price. Don't be it. You

don't want to be a square. A square gambler is an average, unsophisticated gambler who bets on hunches and you know whatever Skip Bayliss or stephen A. Smith say, They're like, all right, he thinks this is gonna happen. So you bet on that where they have some kind of system or something like that, and the mathematical advantage that the sports book has, you have no chance of winning if you're like uh. And the people who run those sports books love the person who's the square gambler because they

know they're gonna win in the end. And there's like there's three types of people that bet money in a sports book. Uh, there's the square gambler who has no information, there's the better who has some information, and then there's the wager slash cartel that has all the information. But I'm more of like a better. I have some information, but I don't have all the information. Uh. And I wish I was a wager or an insider part of

a conglomerate that has all the information. But anyway, so the reason I'm bringing this up day so I the buddy I came with, who is I've known for a long time and he's a big fan of mixed martial arts. This is his thing. He loves the m M A world. That's his jam. He's Mr UFC. So there was a big UFC card, not even really a big card. It was a small card. I guess they have it every

weekend at the training facility in Vegas. It's on pay per view, so you can bet on all these fights, and we were kind of pulling together our money a little bit, just have some fun. Some of the money. My strategy was to bet the only the games I really strong opinion on and only make single wagers because that's the way to make money. You make three wagers you win two out of three, you've made money, or three out of five, but I recommend three two out

of three you win money. Yeah, you're not doings. No, I don't do parleys. Parley's a sucker bet, so I don't do it anyway. So that's just me. So I went three and oh, I I bet the Mavericks, the Clippers, I bet the Grizzlies and they all either one outright and covered or just cover the spread. So my pals like, you know what, I want to bet the UFC, my buddy, and so he said, I'm gonna do three round robin

parlay bets on the UFC. I'm like exactly. So the biggest pitfall with parlays is that, as you know, the very risk, are you gonna win all of the bets? If any one of the games loses, the entire bet goes down the toilet. The odds are not in your favor. And the casino loves to promote when somebody hits a parlay because they know they're gonna get their money back tenfold with other people thinking they're gonna hit their parlays, and so they don't mind when people win the parlay

because oftentimes they don't get to the point. Please. So my my buddies like, yeah, around Robin, it's a little different around what is around Robin Parley. It's it's kind of like mitigating the risk, they claim, hedging the bed a little bit, so you don't have to win all the bets, but you gotta win most of them. In my pal, he's bragging me about he knows everything like buddies with Dana White. He knows everything going on. He knew all the fighters, he knew their backstory, he knew

their strength, their weaknesses. He was telling me. It was the funniest thing, Danny, because pretty much before every single fight he was telling me what was happening or what was gonna happen. And then within about three minutes, the thing that he had said was going to happen, the opposite happen, and Uh it was. I was. I was. I was upset we lost, but I was happy because I just goofed on him the rest of the trip

to Vegas. I was like, you were such a loser. Uh. He lost every one of those random around Robin Park recooting Danny one. He had been a minus seven hundred favorite, a minus seven hundred favorite mathematically is as close to a sure thing as you can get. And the guy lost tapped out. The guy even tapped out, Wow, yeah, basically, you should have just faded your friend and you would have won some money. Yeah, yeah, that would have been good. And I'm like, and he was ripping me because he said,

you shoot it on a parlor. Because I did three games and I won all three. I said, well, no, it's not the point. I'm doing a parlay. I don't believe in the parlay. I'm anti parlay. I was the whole thing. But anyway, so he got destroyed by the round robin. Now some other random things real quick, some huh if you will, the the the finish of the Vegas travel log. Here the odds and ends from the trip.

So a couple of the things that stood out Danny on the travel log here, I found eighty dollars on the floor at the Aria Sports Book, which I stopped by. But here's the deal. So I found a lot of eighty dollar bills on the floor, and I'm like, oh man, but I'm with my buddy and I'm thinking, I won't wait a minute, what's what do you do? You're in a casino. There are cameras everywhere, and is that my money? Do I turn that in? Am I in trouble if

I take that money? Like all this is going through my head, I'm like, can you be arrested for that? I'm like, I found it. If I'm outside and I found money on the street, you know it's found money. So what I decided to do. He had my buddy pick up the cash, and I said, you know we're gonna do. We're gonna sit here. We're watching some college basketball.

I think Auburn was playing, and I said, what we're gonna do here is we're gonna we canna put this money down and we're gonna wait for an hour, and if nobody shows up here in an hour, it's our money. I thought that was fair, right, I thought that was fair because if you handle water cash to somebody behind the counter and say I found this on the floor, what are they gonna do. They're gonna put it in their own pocket exactly. Uh So, anyway, I sat there and we waited, and uh, well, it turns out the

guy showed up said, hey, see my money. I dropped dropped my money in. So it turned out to be my good mitzvah of the that's some good karma that will hopefully come back to you. Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought it was good karma, so why not. I'd also like to take shots at Lizzo. Um, she has ruined the Vegas experience. Lizzo. Uh, terrible, terrible. And now I'm not a proud Danny. You know, I'm not approved.

I'm not people think I'm approved. I'm not approved. Okay, but my goodness, all right, some of the things I saw, Danny, I wanted to pour bleach in my eyes and I saw these things. It was my god. Uh. And I call this the Lizzo effect, is what I call this. And there were some some people walking around, most women who were wandering around. No shame in their game, Danny, you know, no shame in their game. And it is

the Lizzo effect. Rocking the rolls, rocking the rolls. It's like if you put a thong on a on a cow and you had the cow walk through the casine. But the thing that blew me away. You know, I'm a big guy, and I've lost some weight and I still I don't remember my fattest. I was always so self conscious. When I would go anywhere, I'm still self conscious, and I'd always be like, oh, I'm so ugly, and

that nobody wants to look at me. And that's why I wear extra layers of clothes because I felt like that was appropriate because I was a large act and these women and it's I believe it's Lizzo, the Lizzo effect. Be proud of yourself and all that they're walking around there and they're wearing the kind of stuff that you would see at a beach. If you know, if you have a hundred and ten pound body and you're you know, five nine, you know, it's unbelievable. Now, am I a

bad guy, Danny for pointing this out? Am I a bad guy for pointing this out? And then I wasn't blown away by the confidence. That was like, amazing thing. Where do these people get this confidence? Shocking? No, you could still be proud of yourself without having to put on display what looks like a popped Pilsberry canister that's cranked open. It was like some dough. You'd get the tube and you popped it open and it was just going everywhere. Yeah, it was. It was crazy and it

was like all weekend. It was all and it started about seven o'clock. We were only had a few days. But at seven o'clock at night when they know everyone be coming down to go drinking and whatever they're doing. I've never seen this before. It's amazing to me. And you know, it's like wow, stuff you you can't unsee. Uh. There were there are also a lot of professionals walking around. Danny is in Vegas known for the professional working woman.

And when I say working women, they were really working it working in the casino for I have noticed though this happened years ago, so it hasn't changed normally, the professional working woman has determined that prime real estate is about one to two in the morning at the casino. That's when they're wandering around. And I treated this thing like I was like at the zoo. I I was sitting in the casino and I was just people watching and and I was like it was like it was awesome.

I really enjoyed it. I saw a lot of young people have a great time. I saw people that were my age or older that were completely slashed having a good time. And I saw the hookers. Uh, a lot of the Lizzo crowd and a lot of a lot of guys, a lot of dudes that thought they were in the Hangover movie. That's also annoying. I blame the Hangover movie for that. They all think they've got Mike Tyson and a tiger in the room and I could do without that. But it's that famous hookers and cocaine

drop we use on your show come to life. Oh totally, totally. It's like, whoa, this is unbelievable when I'm seeing now the final part of this. So uh. On the way back, there's kind of a tradition. I have done the trip to Vegas many times and on the way back, I always stopped in Prim and I stopped there on the way there, but we just went into the sports book and that's They have a big mall, this massive mall

and Prim right on the Nevada California border. So I stopped and I walked in there, and I thought I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. I was like, what the hell happened. I've just been here a few years ago, Danny, this mall it was closed, and I am not kidding, I'm not exaggerating. This is a multimillion dollar outlet. Shopping center enclosed in the Nevada desert, and out of this massive mall, there were maybe three stores

that were open. Maybe three stores that were open. That's nuts, because I remember in the late nineties that outlet you're talking about. It was jumping, yes, yeah, and I always gone there. They had a couple of stores I liked. They had the shirts I could get for pretty cheap compared to other places, and so they had a big food court and all this stuff. Food court was completely closed.

It was sad. I was like, this is I felt like I was in an abandoned mall and like there had been some kind of accident somewhere the reactor and everyone had left and they had just left everything there and I was completely abandoned. It was just like a nuclear COVID reaction. Yeah, it was well, I don't know. I looked online. I tried to find out what happened. I couldn't really find anything other than the mall had fallen into bankruptcy and had been sold at auction, so

that might have led to something plus COVID. For about a year and a half, not many people were making the drive from Vegas or from California to Vegas, so you still got rent to pay and all that. That's probably part of it, a big part of it. But man, oh man, that was that was insane. That was insane. And I didn't stop in in Barstow in the way back and walked into the Barstow Del Taco. Oh, the o g a staple. It's different than all other Del tacos. So I did that. But the stuff more beans into

the burritos. Yes, a few more beans. Bean tastic. And so that was some of the highlights of the trip. It takes seven hours to get back. I stopped a couple of times. With seven hours to get back, I could have flown to New York or Boston and been halfway back by the time I got home. But that's it. So kids say the darnedest things, Danny, kids say the darnedest things, don't. Yeah, this past Wednesday, I and I've talked about the after school program that I'm helping during

the week. It starts with the afternoon portion of the shift starts with eating lunch with the kids, or I'm not actually eating but kind of supervising as the kids eat their lunches. Now you sitting with them are you hanging with him? Are you standing off the side? What do you know? I hang with them? Uh? You know some of the some of the school employees have different ways they go about it. Some stand off to the side, some sit down and eat their own lunch with the kids. Me.

I'm the entertainment. I've told the kids jokes, I've done physical comedy. Uh. It's all in the name of making the kids smile as they eat their food. So you'll be the cool guy when they're grown up. So remember that Danny g That guy was so cool. In fact, when I when I walk up, a few of the kids say, oh, there's Mr Funny. Mr Funny is here. I don't know if that's a good thing or not called I do. I amuse you? How am I funny?

So I walk up to the tables on Wednesday, and there's a little girl named Aria, five year old, who loves this little bit I do. Where these kids, A lot of them have the string cheese and their lunch. So I'll take to string cheese and I pretend like I'm in a rock band and I'm a drummer with the string cheese sticks. I drum on their head. I drum on lunchboxes. Basically, I'm looking for the best you know, drum kit in the vicinity, and the kids get a

kick out of it. Two big tables of these kindergarteners. And I also do this thing where I point, like I'm in the rock band sitting behind the drum kit, and I think the city we're in, I'll point and I'll say, thank you, Detroit, You've been wonderful tonight. And I flipped the drumstick, which is the cheese string. The string cheese way up into the air. It's flipping high

in the sky. Yeah, it comes down, and if I was a professional drummer, I would catch it right, but no, instead, this thing will usually hit me in the head or fall behind me. And the kids are laughing hysterically as they just think it's the funniest thing because I can't catch my drumstick. Yeah yeah, yeah sure. So every day they're like, do the drumstick thing, do the drumstick thing. Well,

there's two other school employees out there on Wednesday. One of them is a Lizzo grump Lizzo uh, and she's standing out there with a you know, sour look on her face. It looked like she wasn't ready for the day. But I get called to the classroom, so I'm like, okay on the walkie talkie. So I go to the classroom. There's some business for me to handle there. I leave. I go back to the benches and Aria is sitting there. She's read just red as a beat. She looks piste

off piste at the world. What happened? What's wrong? And she's like, that mean lady took my drumstick away from me. So, oh, what trouble did I cause? Because is this lady's now giving me the stink? I too? Oh, she's she's jealous because the kids like you. Is that what this is? This sounds like jealousy to me. Well, I think that's part of it. But what happened is while I was away at the classroom, Aria decided she would fill in

for my stand up comedy routine. Aria took the drumstick ak string cheese and was flipping it high in the sky and letting it come down on her head and she was getting the laughter. Oh that's great. So she's she learned by osmosis by but you know, around you, and she said, I want to be the person everyone laughs at it like we were in the groundlings together and I trained her. Unfortunately, one of the school employees walked over and told her, why are you throwing string

cheese boom? And she she tried to explain, I'm playing the drums. Danny plays the drums. I'm trying to do it like him. This employee has no idea what she's talking about, takes the string cheese stick away from her. She now sitting there just furious. I told the other adult, I said, oh, well, it's a thing I do. You know they're sitting down, but I make them smile. But I told Maria, I said, hey, you know it's your job to eat lunch. Though. Yeah, she wasn't having it.

She was still sitting there, super mad. And finally the adult came back over to her and said, here it is. String cheese was in this lady's hand. She said, you have two options. You can either eat this or I'm gonna throw it away in the trash can. And the little girl said, I don't want to eat it, I want to play drums with it. Well, the adult was not having this, so she walks away and I'm like, wow, we're at an impass here. This is gonna be an

exciting finish. So now lunch is getting wrapped up. Most of the kids are packing their lunch boxes away. This lady comes wandering back over to our table and Maria says to her, can I please have my string cheese now? The adult says, no, I threw it away, and she's like, you did what. I threw it in the trash. Can I told you you could eat it or I throw it away? And you said, so I threw it away. Ben, look on this little girl's face was like somebody kicked

her puppy. She was devastated. Yeah, I shure you not, she says to the adult employee. I was gonna save that and eat it in the car as a snack after my mom picked me up from school, but instead you ruined my life. That it's great. She said it with so much conviction and so loudly that the other adults turned around, all the kids turned around, and we're looking at her. It was like a state of the Union from a five year old. That is wonderful. It

was awesome. For the rest of the day, I was torturing that adult anytime she was anywhere near me, I said, what's up? Are you doing life ruin her Ah, that is outstanding out stay, I love it. I love it. I mean you probably get stories like that every week with these kids, right man. You know, I have to come up with new material every week because the the drum kit thing, that's just from like the past seven days probably, and seven days prior to that, it was

another routine I was doing. The kids. You gotta switch it up. You know, they get bored. Ye're gonna do the same comedy act. It's not gonna work. It's a lot of pressure because I have to constantly come up with new material. Well yeah, because if you're a comedian on the road, you go from Cleveland to Detroit, Cincinnati or whatever, you can do the same act, but the same kids. Man, in the attention span of kids, you don't have a lot of time to play with hunt

and they're a tough crowd. If you suck, If you suck, they tell you suck. They're not gonna hold back. Uh. Well, unfortunately we don't suck. Dani. We mentioned if you guys review the podcast, the Fifth Hour Podcast. I know we're short on time here, but if you review the Fifth Hour podcast, we will read it on this show. So we got three more reviews this week. Go to the Apple podcast page for the fifth hour and that helps us out a lot. And you know you scratch our back,

We'll scratch your back. So Marina Chef wrote, one hour too many, Sometimes one more thing can go bad. It's just going to be filled with tennis, soccer and Olympic events and no callers. What an abomination. He gave us five stars for that, so he was he was busting our balls there he likes was a little joke. Neil from I Think this is our buddy. Neil from Miami says, the two point oh version of the show is on point,

no fake applause anymore. The refreshed post guests gand applause era is as or more entertaining than the O G show. Danny G brings the thunder and bends the lightning. That's from Neil, thank you for that fur Dog from Fullerton Rights in Orange County, he wrote a review. He said, better than Goodaiva chocolate. Great show if you want to listen to King Ben eight days a week, which doesn't make sense no matter how he tries to explain it. So but all these guys gave us five stars, so

thank you. And if you want us to read your review, post one on the Apple podcast page for the fifth hour, and we will do it. We gotta get out of here. We get the mailbag on Sunday. Danny looking forward to that. Yes, yeah, I can't wait for Sunday. All right, we'll talk to you then I gotta murder. I gotta go.