The Fifth Hour: Wedding Postgame & the Lecture!

us the pod Gold Medal. The Fifth Hour with Ben Mallard and the newly married Danny g Radio. It's that time, Danny. We hyped it up. You're the star of the show. It's all about you, Danny. In depth team coverage, a global exclusive. Everyone is dying to get this information wrong as we span the globe kind of I mean California to Hawaii and and back, and nine out of ten paparazzo's agree. This is gonna be an award winning podcast, so I cannot wait. First of all, congratulations Danny Mozeltov.

You did send me a few text messages when you were in Hawaii and it it looked beautiful, and you were concerned about the weather and all that, and it seemed like everything was really really good. Yeah, man, it went better than expected. Uh, there was definitely a weather scare at the beginning, and as a fellow radio nerd, you can appreciate the fact, Ben that I heard e A s alerts on the radio, but for a major

volcanic eruption. Oh that's right. You were there in the volcanea as Manta Loa erupted for the first time in thirty eight years. And the lava is still flowing right now as we record this. So that was pretty wild. And then there was this big flash flood alert for Hannah and obviously the big famous road to Hanna that area was flooded. And this was the night before our wedding.

So yeah, okay, so we're driving home from the dinner with family right before the big day and we are on why Alea and we are nervous as hell because there was a chance of showers between four and six pm and our wedding was scheduled for sunset at four thirty pm. Well you think at that point, maybe it's maybe a late night wedding. Maybe we'll do late under

the under the moonlight, the beautiful Hawaiian moonlight. There No, there was only one other option with the company who helped us with our beach ceremony, and that was to move it to the morning at eight thirty am. So a sunrise morning, A sunrise wedding, I should say morning. I'm not really a morning person. I mean, look, the

whole thing. The star of this show, let's be real, was this fancy ass dress, your wife wedding dress, A solid, traditional, good looking so the former tender RONI because I guess she's a wife RONI. Now, dude, not only did she starve herself to fit into this coke bottle dress, this thing was blinged out. It had the long tail trail whatever they call it. I mean she did it up nice with the dress, and I didn't get to see it until she actually walked up to me on the

wedding day. So did she want to stand in pouring rain wearing this ball or dress? The answer, as you can guess, is fucking no. And she was emotional and crying about this bend even before we left to get there, because obviously her and her family kept checking the weather forecast. Wow, all right, and so I have questions, can I can we have a Q and a all? Uh? So I got married in Hawaii on the beach. It was a very small reel lope, but we did have a photographer.

We had, you know, a person obviously presiding over the wedding and the vows and all that. But you gotta like stay away from the bride to be before the wedding, So like, what's the move here? Like you guys, My wife went to like the get all dolled up and have the makeup done and all that, and then I was stuck. We were by ourselves. So I was like by myself in the hotel room and I it's just like calling random people, Hey, I'm about to get married, and they were like trying to talk me out of

it and all that. It was. Did you have a similar experience, Danny? I got, how are you killing the time that you had before the wedding? Because a lot of thoughts go through a man's head they're like what you know, I'm sure I want to do this? Is this? Is this right? What what happens if this takes place? Like all that stuff? So how did you handle it? Really good question? Ben and I'm not just saying that like John MORROSSI does to every single question thrown his

way on the network. Great question, Ben, is no, that really is a good question, because the first day we get there, we arrive and we're so excited to be on the island. As you know, you step off the plane and it's eighty two degrees and perfect. It's gonna be a great trip. We check into our airbnb. Huge problem. It does not match the pictures. This freaking thing was so expensive, Ben, because obviously it's a long stay at this air B and B. They lied their asses off

on these photos. Was it older? Was it more run down than they sent the picture of Is that it was older? It was definitely dusty and kind of dirty. The view was a two million dollar view of the ocean, but it was dusty and damp and dirty. And the a C would not kick on. Oh I had we had the same problem. We were in Hawaii. Mean, the wife were just and and you know, it's Hawaii, it's hot. You want to have a nice air condition. You don't want to sit in the heat, and you're in your

own apartment. You're in here. Come exactly now, at this point, it's now ninety degrees outside and humid, very humid, and we are we are trying to unpack our suitcases in this airbnb and my bride to be disappears and she doesn't come out for a while. But I hear a suitcase slamming on the floor, so I'm like, okay, I walk in to check on her, and she says, this is not what we fucking paid for. Oh no, now, oh boy, now it's on. Now, now it is on

like Donkey Kong, right, the inevitable meltdown. So at this point does she just give up and say that's it, We're predestined to this, or does she call and raise Holy Hell and said try to get moved somewhere else. I mean, you can't really call anybody. There is a person listed obviously, the quote unquote landlord, but it's a lock box to get in or a code box to get into these places. They have their own cleaning service. Most of these places, like especially on the islands, the

landlords are not in sight. There nowhere to be found, and they like it that way. Okay, but can't you I've only stayed a little bit of air and bbscusing my wife handles all that, But can't you contact Airbnb and say, wait a minute, you know what's going on here. Yeah, but there's deposits involved. You have to wait to get your money returned. You'd have to find another spot, which is almost impossible at this point because you have to do all of this in such great advance that it's

not just an easy fix. Yeah. It was over dramatic, and she admitted that the following day, when you walk into the place that you paid a lot of money for, you are expecting to get your money's worth. Yeah, let's understanding about you. Guys have been planning this for how long? How many? Like over a year? Right, at least for for eleven months? Yeah, so basically a year. Okay, Yeah, I get it, because she's thinking to herself, this is not where I want to sit and have the makeup

ladies show up. So I had to think fast, Ben, I did have an emergency reserve. Okay. I called and talked to a manager at the Four Seasons and while it all right, and I told her what was going on, explained everything you said. This is my my perfect wedding, my wife to be his upset. You must help me. I'm kind of a big deal. I'm very happy for you. And she said, pay the entry level room to get in here, and I will upgrade you two times to an ocean view. Nice. I'm trying to do my job.

That's very nice in them. Yeah, so shouts out to Christina. There, oh, the gain, biggest look of joy you can ever imagine. Because if there's one thing my chick loves, it's fancy resorts. You have that you turned the frown upside down and then then there you go, Danny, that's the way that goes so right. And now you're already you're not even married yet, and already you've got some equity, so your head when you when you f up, you're now ahead. So that's a good thing. And I blew my emergency

wad early on face my mouth. Her family met her there and we all had a little get together in front of the resort on their private beach, and that's where all the family members got to meet each other from my side in her side. And so it was a perfect, an imperfect, but perfect start to the trip. And now Ben she gets to get dressed there at that nice resort rather than dusty, dirty, hot, humid airbnb with no working air conditioner. Now, the other move here

is we try to decode what happened. Is our in depth coverage by the way, listening to live coverage on the podcast here as we go through everything that happened at the famous radio wedding, Danny g Radio, a longtime prolific bachelor has now become an honest man. Here. How about the hookers? Yeah? Uh? Did you did you try to rent out the airbn? Because you still had the Airbnb right there? Well, you were staying the nice So did you like, maybe I can double dip on this

and rent this out to somebody else? Did you think about that possibly doing that? And instead what we did is we hooked up some of our family members because yeah, we had family including her kids cramped in the current airbnb situation they had. We put a couple of our relatives into our empty Airbnb. Got you, got you? Got you all right? So you're The wedding went off, The weather was good, everything was good on that perfect sunset.

What's it called the efficient? Efficient? Yeah? Efficient? Yeah, I think that's it. That sounds He was authentic Hawaiian dude blowing into a conch personal bl He made everybody laugh we had a group of twenty family members on the beach there. It was spectacular. Did you then roast a pig traditional Hawaiian lua after you got done? Did you know? And it would have matched what was going on the only downside of trampling onto that beach which it's public.

So yeah, you can go out there and have a wedding, but if somebody's on the beach, you can't move them. Yeah. So as we walked onto the beach, there was a homeless guy. Then I love you. Oh great, finally he got up and moved. Well, it's nice of him. Yeah. I was at a wedding on the in the beach here in l A. And they were they were proposed that they did the whole vows thing and as they were doing the I dudes, some dude with headphones on

ran past, Like he's such a douchebag. The guy like ran past and there's all these people sitting on the beach for the wedding and this guy didn't didn't give a crap. He's like, what a dick. You come on, you're fired. There was a lady playing the ukulele we called ukulele and um the part I hated the most was the forced poses with the pictures, and any time I got too close to my bride, she's like, get away from me or making me hot, you get away

from me. It's very it's very inconvenient, the photos and all that, and it's a it's a headache, hey man. Plus the other thing is like, and hopefully you guys are married for forever and ever and all that, and then like as you age, you'll look back and you'll be like, well, I don't look like that anymore. You know. Obviously it started, it becomes agonizing, you know, like what happened there? Man? Uh? Yeah, hopefully I shed some pounds.

I looked like friar tucks. Well, it's stress of having to come up with all the money, and what an irritation that is after we eight my feelings this past year trying to save up all that money. For sure, for sure, the inner was good, the food was delicious. I should back up though, that night where there was that flash flood warning where we had the little meal with our families. That was the only one incident we

had with somebody drinking too much. Oh So, to protect the innocent and the guilt, I'll change his name to uh David. Okay, okay, David. I'm sure nobody don't know who that is. No, No, that's name. David may have or may not have drank six white claws on the beach, right in front of the Four Seasons. Okay, Now did he pay for those, because that's probably that's probably five grand. He put down drinks when he got off the plane.

He bought those at Costco. Okay, that's a smart move, all right, Right, so now he brings his Costco liquor to the beach. Don't tell me to calm him down. He's one of those guys. Oh boy, fully lubricated, right fully lubricated. He's seeing pink spiders at this point. Okay, I'm fine, I'll show you who's who's calm. He followed some of us up to the bar where the more responsible adults had one or two lava flows, but then

cut it off. My cousin looks at me and he's like, man, he can drink, And I'm like, you don't know the half of it. David is a world class drinker. Is normally south, you know. I mean, at this point, Ben, he was not teetering over the edge. He still was like, very personable and funny and he hadn't gone to the dark side yet. Okay, So I was gonna bring that up because I learned doing the Overnight Show years ago. The there are four types of heavy drinkers. There's four types.

There's the there's the Hemmingway who they're the same, whether they drink a lot or they don't, doesn't alcohol doesn't impact their personality. There's the Mary Poppins, the person that you know, that person that drinks a lot and becomes nicer and more around and kind of lets themselves go a little bit and they're They're like, I guess I would be like that a little bit because I'm pretty introverted.

So if I drink, I think i'd be more social. Uh, maybe the nutty professor would be the better one, because that's actually the one that becomes more social. So maybe the nut profession. But the doctor, the ster hide one is the one that becomes very hostile and aggressive and does physical things that they probably shouldn't do and they wouldn't do if they weren't completely liquor it up. So which one of those is is David? I would say that David is He's a nice loser until he tipped

to the other side. And when he crosses the rubicon, yes, then he is sleeping on the side of the road. At that point he's urinating in his paints, screaming at the heavens. It's wonderful hitting cylinders. How to prove my point, we all left, went back to our places, got changed, and all met at the Monkey Pod for dinner. And if you go to Hawaii, make sure you hit up the Monkey Pod. Really good restaurant. And they are not a paid sponsor. I wish they were, though been, because

that bill, Holy walk the Moly. So we're and we're really just doing appetizers to We're like, we're looking at this menu and we're like, damn, we can't all afford an entree. This bill would be ten thous dollars. So we're splitting appetizers. Everybody has one drink except for David. How many drinks do you think David has in front of him at the Monkey Pod. Oh, he's got to have at least two, right, at least two, got two drinks in front of them, and now, unfortunately he is

tipped to the other side. My bride, who's a very good host, she tried to jump in and save the moment by doing what a lot of boozers don't like, and that was her grabbing his hand and saying, David, let's move to the end of the table. I think family down there want to visit with you. Now, David might have been tipped to the other side, but he knew exactly what she was doing, and he was like, fuck you, I know what you're doing. You're trying to get me out of here because I'm annoying all of you.

And he looks at my cousin and my cousin's wife and he does the double birds. He looks all of us right in the eyes, and he says, fuck you, guys. We're putting in a couple more food orders for appetizers. And now David is talking and trying to make this waitress laugh, and he's getting a little bit handsy with her. I scooped my chair back a little bit so that there's some distance between me and David. And David tells the waitress he's getting married tomorrow. Look at He's already

for a lap dance from you, all right. He's getting right to the point scrippish of people too, and now my Tenderoni puts her hands over her face, like, oh my god, just get this guy out of here. Um. And so now he's ready to leave. He's like, Okay, I did my job here, My job is finished. He walks over. He talks to the girl at the front of the restaurant, and we're kind of watching him. We're like, why why does he keep talking to her? And then he just leaves. He walks out the front doors. He's gone.

He gone. Fast forward a half hour, we're all finished eating. The waitress comes over and she says, your check is handled. So what he did is when he was talking to that girl at the front, he was giving them his card info. Yeah, I guess he kind of felt bad for the little thing, but he paid for the whole check. This guy's got cash. I don't know. I don't know he didn't. It didn't look like it. Um. Is gonna be one of those things when he sobers up. What

the fund did I just do here? We wondered that same thing, Ben, because he still should have been on foot at that point, because it would have on a long walk. Can't find him, call his phone, he answers finally, and we're like, where are you? And he says, in America. Now, I's just working with us because we're like, dude, thanks for paying for the bill. You didn't need to walk out, like we're trying to give you a ride. Where are you? And he said, at least he's not in Guam at

that his Guam American territory. I don't know. Yeah, go ahead, don't worry about me. I'm just gonna find the beach and take a nap. Nobody can locate him. He is answering his phone and he's laughing, he's cracking jokes. He's still being a dick. He's like, fuck you guys, I'm in America. That's all that matters. I'm gonna sleep on the beach. It's better than being with you turds and stuff like that. So they're kind of worried about him, but at the same time, he has a history of

some of this. They find him the following day. It turns out, instead of walking towards the beach, he walked inland. So he yeah, he walked. He waldered twenty minutes into the island rather than to the beach. So he fell asleep on the side of a road. Is that right, jeez. So yeah, he brought the fireworks to the party. Oh yeah,

you gotta have cut all right. Well, so for for me, uh, the Thanksgiving holiday last week, we had original podcast all weekend and what a Thanksgiving it was at the Mallard mansion. And I've now picked up a skill as a short order cook. Here one of the longest days of my my life. Man. Uh. And so it started out I did the radio show Thanksgiving Thanksgiving even to Thanksgiving, so I dug my heels in I did the radio show. I was like, hey, I always worried my wife requested

I take off Thanksgiving night. I'm actually glad she did in retrospect because I did the radio show. Then you were you were busy in Hawaii, Danny. So Alex Tisher, who who was in, did a great job on the podcast. He was able to record Thanksgiving morning after the show. A couple hours after the show. Uh you know, a few several hours after show, we recorded the podcast for the weekend Benny Versus the Penny and whatnot, and so we were doing that and then so I go from

the radio show to the podcast. Then after that, I'm like, well, wait a minute, we've got this we're hosting Thanksgiving. Some of the older relatives have moved on and my my mom and dad are gone, and my wife's family some changes there with whatnot and people getting divorced and things like that, and so it was our turn to step up and host Thanksgiving. It was like a big deal, right, aunt's,

uncle's cousins, people and most my wife's family were. We're there and so uh we we had this this menu and my job was to prepare the main the main course. We decided not to make turkey. My wife's like, I don't like turkey. She don't want to deal with turkey and all that. So I wanted to do turkey. So I made a traditional just like the Pilgrims eight when they came on the Mayflower fahitas. Uh. And we had

a traditional Thanksgiving fahitas. But in order to make the feedas I and there were a lot of people that were there, so I had to After the podcast, I went into the kitchen. I went out of the room, down the hall, made a turn, went down the stairs, went around the corner and then went to the kitchen. And so I then had to uh, I had to pound the chicken. There's a joke there, and then had to cut up the chicken and the little pieces and and then season it for so it tastes good when

you put it on the griddle. And so I do that, and I had to cut up the vegetables, the bell pepper, the onion, all that. So it was a lot. I was feeding a lot of people, so it took a long time to put all that together. Uh. At the same time, I also that same day, I had made dessert.

I made cinnamon raising cookies, chocolate chip cookies. And since I'm now the chocolate tier, Danny, we talked about that in the previous episode of the shot and if you were here for that one, but I'm the chocolate tier, and so I made some chocolates. I melted some chocolate down and made some chocolates and stuff. And so I was like juggling all these different plates and all that, and then I had to get some sleep. But because

it's Thanksgiving, people wanted to come over early. So I ended up getting about two hours of sleep, and then people started showing up, and then I had to start cooking and and all that, and so and I'm trying to watch the football games on my phone but I'm falling asleep, you know. I was just gonna ask you

about the games. Yeah, Like I watched the first half of the Lions game, and then I went to sleep for like a couple of hours, and then the Cowboy game was on after that, and then oviously the Patriots at night. Um, so I was able to cook all the food, and I was trying to be I was trying to be a little social with the relatives. I don't see a lot of them that much, and so I went up to where the radio studio is just to kind of catch my breath, and I like fell asleep.

I just passed out and I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours at night. Um. And then and then just I was but I was totally you know how you like you're up for too long and it just kind of groggy and all that. So it was a big it was a big pain in the behind. People like the food though, they were very happy with the food and all that. So I wouldn't much rather have the heat is than dry turkey. Yeah, I know,

it was. It was. It was good. I mean, we go when people did bring some food to they brought somebody brought stuffing, So they're eating people eating fahatas with stuffing juste a lot. But you know whatever, it's all, it's all good. So we had a traditional Thanksgiving just like the Pilgrims, like the Pilgrims, and uh, that's that's what that is. Now. Uh, there is more that we have more coverage Danny of the celebrity wedding. Right, we go back to our in depth coverage right now, and

it's at a premium this information. And what is next the tales of Danny G's celebrity wedding. Well, let's see, I'll back up to her dress just for a second, because I did kind of make fun of the fact that the whole weather thing revolved around that. But Ben, she looked amazing in that dress, so it was worth all that saving up for that dress. I don't know what the hell we're gonna do with it now? Does anyone want to buy a used dress? I changed my clothes.

She was still wearing her dress, which was awesome. Um, we were running around like the bar area there and had to get something out of our car, and so we're standing by the valet guy. I'm in my flip flops in a jersey. Uh, and she's still in her dress and we get back to the room. It was a great honeymoon. It was a great wedding night. She was posing for me. Um. I guess I'll sell those pictures on our only fans fans only. I don't even know what that's called. The fans only. Oh, I think

it's only fans. It's only fans. Yeah. I had a guy this week that wanted to see pictures of my calf, and so I said, I'll put it on my my only fans page. My yeah, but so yeah, So you guys have a baby calf at your house. I have two beautiful calves, wonder. Yeah. So um, now we're the next day, we're at the Grand Wileia and her kids meet us there so they could take advantage of the water slides and all the stuff on that nice property. And the couple sitting in the pool chairs to my left. Ben.

You know, one of the great things about Hawaii is people watching. Were they born into money or did they have to save up for this up. It's also fun to watch people look at the different menus because of those prices we talked about earlier. The kids were ordering whatever they wanted pool side, and so in my mind I'm doing the Mallard calculator, like, oh, that's the hundred, that's two. That's man. I counted the kids once they

were all out of the pool. Not too not three, not full, not five, not six, not seven, eight children. But here's where it gets good. There were two moms. Okay, so four and four No, no, no, no, two moms. So whenever any of the eight kids said mom, both ladies turned their heads and look got you got you got. So now we're very interested in what's going on because we're like, it's the and my chick is like, no, no,

that one right there is the nanny. And I'm like, she's not the nanny, she's one of the moms, like mean, one of the moms. So we're now trying to figure out this whole puzzle. And it's like HBO's Big Love. They were both the moms because the guy was like showing affection to both of them equally. The kids were crying and whining to both moms equally. This was pretty awesome.

I'm like, it's it's my future right here, all know. Man, those eight kids, I I can't imagine having multiple children how about knew, so I did want to mention uh, the the the lecture. So after Thanksgiving the fajita Thanksgiving following that on Friday, Friday Friday, decided to head east. So made a little road trip to the Grand Canyon State for the second time in a couple of months.

I've got a relative there who's fighting the good fight, and so I wanted to want to see him and just kind of hang out with him for a little bit. So the wife we agreed to go to. He came with me, and so I got in the mall and wibile filled up with gas, made the long trek hundreds and hundreds of miles there. I think it's like four hundred miles too, to Phoenix, and actually lives over in the Mesa area of Phoenix, And so went over, hung out of his place a little bit, ended up having

a a nice meal. We actually had the food. We went and picked up the food and came back and all that, and so we spent several hours with my my cousin, and then at night I decided, and I never really planned this out in advance, I said, you know what, let's uh, let's high tail it back to to Cali. Let's head back to to l A. And and I'm driving and my wife's a little reluctant, and she's like, well, maybe we should get a hotel room. And I'm like, man, just drive back. I have a

nice house. It's a great make it back, no problem, nice drive back. So we're driving back, and I'm sensing that she's this is not what she's enjoying. He's not looking forward to the to the long drive back. And and as we're going and going and going, she's she's tired. She sleeps a little bit. If I'm driving, right, I'm the one drive I pulled over actually one of the rest stops out in the middle of the desert in Arizona, and I took like a twenty five minute power nap,

which I never do. But you're driving at night. It's nothing out there except cactus and saying for as long as you can see, and so it's like, all right, I think on that. And I woke up. I was fine, I was in I was in good shape and all that. I was in good shape. Uh, and so did that? Kept driving, got home and then I got the lecture. I got the lecture. Danny, my wife, she said, I don't know that I made it clear, but I did

not want to drive back. I wanted to stay in Arizona, did not want to make this trip in one day. And she explained all the reasons why, and of course I then rebutted by saying, wow, we saved money on the hotel room and uh, and not Danny. I'm the one that was driving, so I would have if she had been driving them, And like, okay, but I'm the one drive. So if you're the passenger, is it you know what I'm saying, Like, it's a different perspective when

you're not the one drive. This goes back. We talked about this on The Penny yesterday a little bit. Covino and Rich had a big debate on their show a couple of afternoons ago because they are splitting a hotel this weekend in San Francisco as they traveled a little road trip to the Niners game, and they're saving money on the hotel room by sharing the room, by splitting the room, and that that's the audience. Most of the

audience was like, I want my own hotel room. I don't put corners with hotels, but you do, right, Like if you could save money on a hotel, you do, no, because I when I travel, I don't really want to spend a lot of time in the hotel room. So like I'm always like, why spend a lot on the hotel? That's what cheap skates say. Though. No, But if I'm somewhere, I'm just there to sleep. I'm not there to enjoy. I don't need that. I don't I don't need all that stuff. I just go there and I'm out about

in a city. I'm just going wherever I am. Like, it doesn't matter to me. So if you went on a road trip with a couple of your guy friends, you'd be fine sharing the room with them. Well, back in back, when I was in college, we'd go on some road trips and I I did share them. I love it. It was awkward occasionally, but I've gone I've gone on Vegas trips with friends of mine and we've we've shared a room and and that's fine. I think the bathroom situation is awkward and and also yeah, I

don't know, it's just uncomfortable. But I could see what you're I couldn't see your wife's point, Like, I do want a room too, but you were the driver and you pulled it off. I mean, I guess you know how much flat can you really take on that? Yeah? Well the other two and you mentioned this like I know, if we had stayed at a hotel room, Um, it would not have been one of my choosing. I would

not have been the bend friendly. It would have been my wife would have gone with something that is more more her speed, more four stars, and you would have went two stars. She would not have been staying in Mesa. She would have been staying in Scottsdale. Uh, that's where we would have en it up and so so. But in the future, and I will have to be going

back to Arizona sporadically here. I guess we'll If I go by myself, I can drive, but with her I'll have to pony up the cash there for a hotel room. I'm on in man, that's right, all right, we'll get out on that. We have the mail bag on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, looking forward to that. Anything to Remote Danny any it all? Yeah, I'll be in there with Jonas Knox on his Saturday show from eleven am to one pm Pacific time, and

then Steve Hartman and I from Salam after that. And by the way, we we don't have time for the backscratcher. We haven't had a backscratcher in a monthday. We gotta get we gotta get a backscratcher. So please promote the show, support the show on the Apple podcast page. You gotta do it, make it happen. Yeah, we'll get to those next Saturday. Alright, very good. There it is the fifth hour and we will catch you next time. Osta Pasta, gotta murder, Gotta go.