Kabooms.
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to the Clearinghouse of hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler and Danny G Radio A Happy Saturday to you. It's college football Saturday today, on this twentieth day of September. And let's see what am I planning on Washington today, Nanny G. I've got well tonight I will see at least part of Michigan State and USC. Are they calling it Big ten after dark? I don't if they're calling it Big ten after dark, but that's the late game. I did see Michigan State complaining about that. I'll be
checking that game out. I think Belichick in North Carolina. If I can find that game, they play you UCF, which is like a halfway decent opponent.
So the whole country is going to be tuned into that one.
I think that's the game, and then not really yeah yeah, and then what's the big one? Well, I guess Auburn Oklahoma's the biggest.
The huge game is Boise and air Force.
Yeah, well that's all when you throw out the records. When they get together, Danny, they get together, you throw out the records. But anyway, we'll be be flipping around here. And then if you're an old time nostalgic college football fan, you've got Michigan and Nebraska. Who Nebraska thirty years ago was the juggernaut of college football. Michigan's had their moments. So anyway, some of the games today in college football. But on this podcast, Danny, we have tuna fish sandwiches,
damn it, and the Suburban Explorer. But we're gonna start with this. So I checked the mail bag last night and based on events that have taken place the last couple of days, so I got some feedback on Clayton Kershaw. People very upset with my Clayton Kershaw take offended by my position on Clayton Kersher, which was the accurate position, by the way, the accurate take on Clayton Kershaw.
When I heard this promo run on FSR Friday during Covino and Rich, I just shook my head.
Well, you can shake your head all you want, it's reality. Clayton Kershaw has cost the Dodgers multiple World Series championships because he comes up tiny in big games. You gotta think, Danny, this era of Dodger baseball, they would have at least three, probably four more World championships if Clayton Kershaw actually lived up to the way he is in the regular season. So I don't have any regrets on that. He should
have retired five years ago. So fine. I did a monologue on that, and then a lot of people have been complaining. They say, what about the Komodo dragon in the room? Several cents some version Danny of Hey, big Ben, I love your show, but you know what that means. Why didn't you dressed the Jimmy Kimmel story on the show. So I didn't mention the Jimmy Kimmel story on the show.
I would like to put out though, Danny, this is kind of thing that annoys me because I've mentioned this many times that we don't normally go down those roads. ABC pulled Jimmy Kimmel off the air because of pressure from the Federal Communications.
Commission be careful about this.
Well, the stories everywhere right, and the person running the FCC was upset that Kimmel made some partisan talking point crap about what's.
The guy's name that Charlie Kirk.
Charlie Kirk, Yeah, that was killed, And so kim O regurgitated some stuff on TV and everyone's kind of an agreement. No one's watching late night TV, but everyone up in arms over this, and so now it's one of those
bizarre things. Jimmy Kimmel. Back in the day we crossed pass I and Jimmy Kimmel in what I considered Danny the glory days, glory days of LA Radio, back when Jimmy was doing Carl Malone impersonations on k Rock in the morning, the old Utah jazz player, and I was doing afternoon gas baggery, and Ryan Seacrest was over at Star ninety eight point seven playing boy band records, and all of us climbing the media ladder Danny and somehow two of these guys became megastars, and I ended up
singing cheeseburgers at three in the morning. But aside from that, it is bizarre.
You're talking about you're an international TV star.
Yeah, but it is bizarre. Oh, don't forget to watch Benny Versus Penny. It is bizarre. It's on YouTube YouTube dot com slash at Benny Vspenny. It is bizarre when you see a national story, like someone international story, and you cross paths with them at some point in your life. It's like when Lauren Sanchez married Jeff Bezos and I used to see Lauren a lot at the Laker games back in there. It's very wacky. But the Jimmy Kimmel thing, regardless of that, we generally don't go down this way.
I'll give you my ten cent take on this, and this is my position. Jimmy Kimmel was hired years ago as a comedian, and you're supposed to sell laughs, not political lectures and all that stuff. He is paid to be the court gesture, not the court justice. And it's it's always a dangerous game when you confuse those things. It's like if you worked at in and out Burger and all of a sudden, I said, you know what, I don't want to hand out cheeseburgers. I want to
hand out tuna fish sandwiches. Well, nobody wants tuna fish sandwiches. They go there for the cheeseburger. Well, no, I want I think people need tuna fish sandwiches. Well, they don't want tuna fish sandwiches. Well some people might want them. Yes, some people might want them, but they're going to go to a restaurant that service tuna fish sandwiches. They're not going to go to an out burger, you know, And
they'll say I didn't order that. And now I will tell you, Danny, and to tow the line here, the FCC sniffing around to me, that's the thing that gets your attention. And I believe they should stay out of it because when it's it's like one of those ping pong games, Danny, that you know, you don't want to go down that road because then whoever's in control of the politics will mute the other side. So I think you just don't want to go down that road. You're
not going to win. It's a problem exactly. FCC is not supposed to be about picking sides. It's supposed to be about, like us, talking about bodily functions and things like that. Yes, yes, little Johnny, can't hear us do a poopy joke.
They can't hear us say, shit, that's supposed to be what the FCC is for.
Yeah, exactly. So it's just it's one of those things. And obviously a lot of you know where I am politically, but it doesn't matter, like I'm not a very political person. You're whoever you like, whatever team you root for, whether it's the Red team or the Blue team, is not going to be in power forever, and then the other team's going to get control and then they're going to do the same thing. And it's just it's just a bad not the kind of precedent you want to say, exactly.
And I don't think I'm concerned, Danny that anyone who's in the White House will be worried about me saying the dolphins rode the vomit commet or they're not gonna knock on the mallor mansion at well in the morning.
You are the captain of the safe harbor.
Yeah, they're not gonna say you said, Dak Prescott is what Charlie checked out. Oh my god. But it is the slippery slope, and that's that's the point one of my I don't know, honestly, Hero but when I was a kid, my parents used to watch Johnny Carson, the King of late night television. I went back and I looked, and Johnny Carson averaged in the seventies and the eighties,
he averaged six to eight million people a night watching. Now, there weren't many channels, there was no internet, so you can make all these statements about that, but he averaged six to eight million people a night. If he had a big, big star guest on their big name, he'd get nine or ten million. Major League Baseball on average, a Major League Baseball game on Fox gets one point eight million. An NBA game on ESPN gets about one point five million. They average, Johnny Carson was getting three
four times that a night. One on the Tonight Show. That is nuts. And Carson said this quote. I'm sure you saw it, Danny. He said this back and I think the seventies or the eighties, but it made its way back and somebody, I think it was on sixty Minutes and said that. One of the people asked him said, why don't you talk about politics on the Tonight Show? And Johnny said, well, why do Why do they think that just because you have a Tonight Show that you
must deal in serious issues. He warned that the danger, and it's a real danger once you start that, you start to get that self important feeling is a quote by the way, that what you say has great import and you know, strangely enough, you could use that show as a forum, Carson said, back then, you could stay way people. You sway people, and I don't think you should as an entertainer. And then some people say, wow, he's old. You know he's dead now. But I would
argue that Carson knew his role. He told jokes. Here's what Carson did. He told jokes. He played tennis in Malibu, and he cashed massive checks. Most of that money went to his many ex wives. But he did all of those things, and he rarely wandered into into the political world and all that because he knew that once you take that detour, your toast and if you start believing you're the pope of pop culture, that whatever you're doing, your monologue or whatever, is the state of the Union address,
it's it's it just doesn't work out for you. So but I don't understand. It's like Jimmy Kimmel, if he's really that into it. Again, I don't think he should have been taken off. There would my position, if he's that political, why didn't he go to like CNN or in MSNBC or something to do a political show, And then nobody would care because he's doing like a political show. But it's it's wild. Any within the next year, there will be no late night TV. Kimmel's out, Colbert's going out.
You and I talked about this during COVID. Remember nobody really noticed that the late night shows were on old reruns. Nobody cared.
Yeah, and during the writers strike, same thing, nobody gave us shit.
Yeah, that's true. And then and their argument is that those shows are mostly just for the clips online. But Jimmy Fallons his days are hope he saved money because he's next the three stooges who were the last three on what for our childhood named Late Night TV.
He was, Oh, and I read that Saturday Night Live is also in the firing line.
Really yeah, so and that was.
Just rumors, but you know that's that was making the rounds on a couple of articles I saw last week.
So again, just to put the ball on this in these parts on the radio show and usually here as well, as I like to say, we also are in the cheeseburger business. I run a little cheeseburger stand. It's Benny's Burgers. I sell Benny's burgers. I have fries, maybe a milkshake, and that's it. You will not get a kill salad. I do not sell a kill salad. You do not get a fruit smoothie.
I don't sell no lettuce raps either.
I don't definitely don't have any lettuce. Yeah, hashtag Benny's buns. I generally avoid politics and whatnot. And if you want a caesar salad, you can go somewhere else. If you want burger, right here and get the burger. And so we'll see. Jimmy Kible's made a ton of money. I'm assuming he's financially financially set. And you know what'll end up doing, Danny if the TV show is completely put, he'll do what everyone else does. He'll do a podcast.
That's what he's gonna do, right, Yeah, why not? There you go, get a podcast. Everyone loves audio content. Get a podcast, damn it, Get a podcast.
Did you see that clip of him being whisked away from the network in that black navigate And oh It's funny you say that, because I'm like, I bet they're taking him to a podcast studio right now.
Oh well, either that or I think they went to like lawyers, like some Beverly Hill lawyers or something like that. They're so so so they will not get away with us. You know, I feel bad for is that guy Guillermo on the show?
Oh yeah, we know Guillermo on Covino and Rich. Yeah, I told you he was at the airport with us while we were waiting for our flights to the super Bowl last year.
Yeah. Yeah. They used to have him go out to the Dodgy games, and I remember one time during the playoffs, this is probably ten fifteen years ago, and they made him wear like a diaper type thing, and it was so funny watching because they would record stuff and he'd be the clown, you know.
Yeah, And you could.
Tell when they stopped recording how pissed off he was that they made him wear this thing and walk around. He was really annoyed. But you know, I don't know what that guy's gonna do. You know, that's that's a very specific job, Danny being the sidekick on a eight night TV show.
Yeah, you're you're gonna be typecast.
Yeah, there's not a lot of bounce back on something like that.
I believe, you know what, he can do a podcast exactly.
Like just everyone everyone will do a podcast. There's more podcasts than there are people on the planet. Look at this, even this the fifth Hour podcast. So anyway, that's those are my thoughts on the on the Kimmel the aftermath with Gimo exactly the FCC with become an anti culture musician, you know, come up with songs. But we'll wait for Guirmo's podcast to come out. Damn it, Danny, I just damn it, all right, We'll wait for it. Yeah.
If I was a QB and I was calling an audible at the line, I wouldn't say omaha, omaha, I'd say damn it, damn it. And that's how I was feeling when Covino and Rich's show on Friday ended, because I put two weeks of work into a new on air game. Now, maybe you could shed some light on this process bending because I know you've been in the
same boat. What's it like when you get an idea in your p brain and you think to yourself, you know what this is going to take some tweaking here and there, but this game with the Mallard Militia, this could actually work.
Yeah yeah, yeah for sure. And I'll get an idea sometimes driving around or something like that. I'll get an idea in my head and then I'll immediately what I do is I pull my phone out, I go to the notes app on my phone, and then I'll type a few things like whatever, because I don't want to I want to lose type some thoughts in right.
It's kind of like when a song comes to a musician.
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. So I'll jot down a few random thoughts and then after that I will kind of workshop it, like I'll go back to it like Frankenstein's lab and try to, you know, jot down some other stuff. And you got to kind of map it out. Right. There's a lot.
There's a lot to it. And I had to type and find drops and set it all up and write the script to send into Bob our big voice guy of FSR. And then I work closely with Ricky, who's Vito's assistant for the past i don't know, seven eight days to get this thing ready to go. Then I spent two hours on Thursday night sitting in a Wendy's. It was National Cheeseburger Day. So I had a junior bacon cheeseburger in my left hand, my pen in my right hand, and I was writing down how the rules
of the game would be. So I get to Friday, I'm calling this synonymous city. Synonymous city, say the name of the game, slow, play it fast. This came out organically in conversation on the show a couple of weeks ago with Dan Byer. He was laughing because we were like, who's the face of the city for Minneapolis for sports? And they were like, Bayer told the guys, He's like, on the count of three, one, two three, you know who would you say, by the way, for Minneapolis sports, are we doing?
Are we doing all time?
Or right?
Yeah?
Yeah, So like the most revered sorts figure in Minneapolis sports one two three, Herbie Puckett. See thank you, All of us except one crew member shouted out Kirby Pucket. And it was funny because I think Rich said Gary Anderson and we're laughing. He was trying to be funny, but we're laughing. And then Rich mentioned on the air, Hey, you know what we could do something like this for a game on the air someday, and I thought about
it and I'm like, yeah, this is cool. I'll do like, you know, the most synonymous sports figure or the most famous music artist or band of a city. So get the contestant right. Explain to the contestant that the two categories are going to be rotated. I'll tell you the category, then i'll say the city. Give you a few seconds to think about your answer, and then on the count of three, the crew member and the caller are going
to shout out their answers. The caller has to match with two of the five seeing our crew members in order to win a prize. Covino's up first, All right, let's start with the most revered sports figure for the city of Saint Louis. All right, think about it for a second. On the count of three, one, two, three, Stan mus stand the man, thank you, Ben, you know what? The contestant said, Oh god, I don't what. First of all,
he didn't say anything at first. It was dead air one dead air, two dead air, three dead or four, And then he shouted damn it.
And I'm like, first name, first name, damn last name it. First name, damn last name it.
So I'm like, Okay, we're not off to a good start here, but maybe it'll get better.
With he led to the Spirit of Saint Louis and the ABA.
Yeah, I'm like, maybe it'll get better. Okay, let's stick to sports. The most revered sports figure for the city of San Diego.
Okay, this is all right, get your answers ready.
On the count of three, one, two, three, Tony Winn thank you.
All right, what do I win? What do I win?
Well, the problem is the contestant again didn't give an answer, and when we're like, dude, are you there, he was like, oh, damn it. The problem was, I unfortunately got a contestant on the debut of the new game who wasn't really with it late to the party, and because of that, now Rich is over there like, well, we got to redo how the rules are and we should change it to where we all write down an answer and maybe if enough of us match, then he gets a point.
And now instead of this being a successful game that I spent two weeks of my life investing in, because of one damit contestant, I have to rework the entire game.
Well, the lesson on that Danny is to never underestimate the power of dumb people that call radio shows. You can never underestimate the power of the listener. I tried. I don't know if you were with me at the time or not, but I tried to do a spelling bee on the show.
I wasn't with you, but I was listening to that mess.
Yeah yeah, And because in my head, I was like, well, most of the names are pretty easy to spell, like all right, you know, like George Brett or something like that. You would think, and then you start doing it, and I I cannot understate how bad people are at spelling. I can't, you know. I thought, well, this was in the ear when like the hardest name was like Mark Grizzlanic or something like that. You say, okay, fine, Grizzlnik's a tough name. He was a big baseball player years ago.
But the normal names and people just didn't know how to spell, and it would drive me. It drive me nuts. And also a lot of the people, and I get it, this is not their life, right, Danny, were invested in this because we do this for a living. But if you're a sports fan, you're kind of casual. Most people are and it's entertainment.
I feel like most of our listeners though, would have shouted out Tony Gwyn.
I would like to think, yeah, and how it depends how old you are, though, I guess.
And so with some games we empower the contestant the caller, and in other games like this, I think I'm gonna have to take the power out of their hands. In other words, I'm gonna have to have like Covino and Rich be the team and then give them the city and count to three for them, and beforehand ask the contestant whether or not they think Coveno and ritual match and if they if they get that answer right, then they get the point. So I think I'm gonna have
to think outside the box a little bit. That way, the power is not in the listener's hands.
Yeah, you want to limit the amount of power that the caller has by all all accounts, and then at some point you'll you'll nail it and then you'll be like Mary Poppins and super califragile xbi alidosis and all that. You'll get it down.
So yeah, but for the rest of the weekend, I'm going to be shaking my head saying damn it, I.
Hear you on that. So I got one other thing I wanted to mention this, and then we'll get out on this. So you know, a little bit of a story time if you oil again. So this past week it is Saturday to any the Life of malor the Life of Danny g a tradition on this podcast which is not overvalued, by the way, it is not overvalued
at all, and the loyalist of this podcast appreciated. So. So anyway, the other day this week, it was a random weekday, the usual routine, sleep during the day, wake up early afternoons, splash some water on the old face there, grumble towards the mirror and make sure everything's still where it needs to be, and then step outside and that evil son like I'm a vampire, what's going on here? And then you're out walking around. So anyway, I at the beginning of the day, like everyone else going there,
put some water on your face, go outside. On this particular day, I made the noble, if misguided, decision to go to the gym. The plan was simple, to go to the treadmill, have my phone in my hand, catching up on the sports news of the day, futsing around on my phone while pretending I was, you know, was working out and not just fusing around on my phone and all that. Anyway, So I drove to the gym. It was uneventful. The parking space was secured, got a
good parking place. The mission was clear until fate intervened. So I parked the car backed in, because that's what we do. We back into the space and then I off the door. I opened the door, I get out of the car, and then I reached back in to grab my trusty air pods that I got a couple of years ago, the ones that are supposed to have the hearing aids so I can hear a little bit better because I have radio ears and stuff. So I reached back in. I grabbed my trusty air pods, the
lifeblood of any treadmill session. And unfortunately, when I reached down for the air pods and reached back out of the maladmobile, the handoff was botched. I think Bill Buckner back in the day leon let Thanksgiving.
Why do I feel like you've done this before.
I have done this before. It just happened again. But this is a different tale. So the air podcase on this one before I had some ripoff AirPods. These were the actual AirPods. I just got these like a year ago. So the air pod case hit the and it was very hot, you know, we had this was it Mario. The tropical storm Mario was off the Pacific coast this week.
Yeah, for those on the East coast Mario.
Yeah, we actually got rain and it was very humid. It felt like floored. I felt like I was in the South, Yes, this week in southern California. I don't like the humidity. I felt like we were in the humidity South Carolina or something. So the air pod case hit the ninety it seemed like I think it was ninety five ninety seven degrees something like that asphalt, and it made that kind of sickening clatter sound, you know.
And I'm looking down and it's like slow motion as this has happened, like, oh man, no, So I of course then go down. I scooped down to grab the case of the AirPods. I then opened them up and discovered, to my horror that I had the case to the headphones, but when it hit the ground, there were no headphones inside. They had been ejected like out of a plane, the parachuters abandon the planes.
It was like you were shooting dice.
Yeah, exactly. So suddenly my priority was no longer the workout. At this point it became a search and rescue mission to try to find my air buds. And I scoured the parking lot. In between my car and the car next to me. I'm scanning the blacktop. It's shimmering with heat waves. Right, I'm like, oh crap, I don't see anything. And you should be able to find these, the little
white earbuds on a black blacktop. You should be a fun So my hunch was that they just rolled under the car and and I should just be able to get down there and grab them, no problem. So I did the thing you didn't want to do on a very hot day on hot asphalt. I dropped to my knees on the boiling asphalt. Danny and I became at that point that became a suburban explorer.
This was not the Lax Airport parking lot, right.
He blew me off at a hotel near Lax. No no, no, no, no no no. So I'm peering into the darkness here, I'm peering into the darkness. And at this point I can't see anything because even though it was the daylight, the car the shade. So then I, of course I did what anyone would do. I grabbed my phone to turn the light on on my phone. So now I'm on the ground, I've got my arm extended with the light on of my phone, and sure enough I did spot one AirPod tucked under the belly of the malamobile.
And unfortunately, it is Murphy's law, it was just out of reach of my hand. You know, you know how you reach for something, Danny, you just can't quite get it. It's just a little bit past where your arm will reach. And so my arm wasn't long enough. My pride even shorter at this particular point. But I was still like, I was like, where's the other earbud? And so the dilemma that I had, as you referenced, Danny, I'm a klutz. This has happened to me before. This is not the
first time. I'm sure it will not be the last time. So here's the dilemma. Was I couldn't just move the car without Why couldn't I just move the car because if I did, I might end up by accident crushing the other earbud because I didn't know where it was. I hadn't recovered it. I didn't know where it was. So here I am a grown ass man, sprawled out again. I'm on the asphalt there, covered at this point in asphalt grime, and I'm essentially re enacting like it was
like a Vaudevillian slapstick thing. It was like the old Three Stooges, except it was just me and all I needed was the the Benny Hill soundtrack. That's all I needed. And it's one of those things, you know, this happens to us things I missing things slowing down when I dropped the earbuds. So this felt like I was on the ground for thirty minutes. It was probably just a few minutes. And then then here we go, Dan, this
is where the story takes a plot twist. So a scene right out of Dickens My Salvation arrived a passing jimbro in his car. Seeing what was going on. In his peripheral vision, he sees me and feeling pity, he rolled down the window and shouted, hey, hey Bro, you're looking for your AirPod like that right, So why yes? I am? Yes, I am. I was like out of the wonderful life or something. My guardian Angel, Danny. He pointed it a say, it's under your right front tire, bro and uh, and then.
He ran the hell did he see that yet binoculars?
I guess because of where he was positioned, he could see what I couldn't see because I was on the side and he was in the front. Anyway, I don't know how it got there because I dropped it on the driver's side door and it ended up in front of the passenger tire. I don't know how it ended
up there. So anyway, thanks to that person, it was wedged precariously in the exact spot where I was worried, Danny, if I moved the car, I would have turned the you know, a couple hundred dollars headphone technology into roadkill. And just like that, that AirPod Angel. I don't know who this guy was. He saved me from myself and I recovered the earbud. The story had a happy ending. I staggered into the gym. I could imagine.
I can imagine though, when you first had to get down on the hot asphalt.
Yeah, it was terrible. But it gets even worse, Danny, It gets even worse right, So here I am. I recover the earbud. I staggered into the gym defeated, right, But I not necessarily defeated, because I got my earbuds back. But at this point, I'm disheveled, I'm sweaty, I smell. I haven't even worked out yet, and I've got you know, when you lay on the asphalt, you get that black kind of asphalt dust crap on ith. Yeah, so my
clothes have it, my knees have it. I'm looking like it doesn't look like I'm a member of the gym. It looks like I'm a vagrant, like a hobo that just made a wrong turn. They let me in the gym out a pity, and people were looking at me, and I don't want you look. Don't look at me, Okay, come on, look at the beautiful people. Don't look at me. And anyway, the earbuds were in my ears. They got some music going. I was futching around on my phone and all was right in the world after that, And
so there you go. It's rarely another another story. Dad. It's not not about the treadmill. It's about the moments before you even get to the treadmill in this case. And so whoever that person was, I'm sure they won't hear this the AirPod angel, but thank you. I appreciate that. I did not expect someone to save me from myself there. So there you go. And I guess the lesson for me next time, and I have done this multiple times, is when I get my headphones, at least leave the
car doors closed when I go for my headphones. Wouldn't that be the smart move rather than get out of the car and open up the headphones?
Yeah, reverse order. I gotta remember to do that.
I don't. I'm usually tired when I go there, so that's part of the problem. All right, Well we'll get out on that, Danny. It is Saturday, I say, I said, I'll be watching some of this college football today off and on. I do have some things I have to do in between that, and I'll be checking that out. So we got that going on. Anything you've got today. I'll be watching Benny Versus the Penny as well. I'll be watching that seventeen times today, so that's exciting. Yeah.
I have notes in front of me right now for new rules for that game.
Oh that's right, got workshop at Frankenstein's left.
I'm gonna be working all weekend. In fact, not just on this podcast, but uh, next Friday, it's going to be the third birthday for Covino and Rich in Afternoon Drive, And as we've discussed on this show before, they actually well they celebrated for the listeners because they're their core, they're p ones. The cnrp ones love nostalgia. So I always make sure to put a little audio collage together, highlights and funny moments from the past three years.
All right, that's good.
So I'll be in front of my Adobe editing system with sore hands, and I'll have that you know that mouse hand. Do you ever get that where you're on your mouse, your computer mouse so much that your hand just conforms to that shape.
Oh yeah, you get your muscle twitching kind Yeah, yeah, that's my what's gain? That's good? You doing that anyone? As you know Danny and the Overnight show, Coop does that for me all the time every Oh yeah, yeah, it's believable the amount of work he puts in. All right, have a great rest of your Saturday, and we've got the mail bag on Sunday. We'll talk to you then.
See you tomorrow for the mailbag. Later Skater by Fallacious