Kubbooms.
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the old Republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Wow.
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
In the air everywhere.
The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio America America. I know it's Independence Day today. We are recording this early in the am hours. Here you listen when you want to listen this fourth of July weekend as we celebrate the birthday of America by doing a very American thing, a podcast. And here we are and a super special edition of the podcast, which we're calling I think this is appropriate because it's Independence Day.
Irish eyes are evil. Irish eyes are evil. So if you've read the podcast description, you probably know already what this is about.
It's a bit of a cheat code.
This podcast for the one percent of the one percent who listened to the overnight show and are fans of audio and that would be you. It's like members only here. It's a special cult that listens to this fifth hour podcast, especially on a holiday weekend like this. So if you did not, for some reason scan the description of the pod, maybe you missed it. The Malar Militia. Let's go back in the hot tub time machine to earlier this week. It is the story that everyone is to talking about
that is a fan of the show. How does one handle some unexpected lucky charms? If you will, so my thoughts on the incident that happened. I've got soap mascot Clint Eastwood, and employee handbook, and we are going to combine all of these things together and make soda bread and shepherd's pie something you should not eat on Independence Day weekend. And if you're in Ireland, it's just another day.
So first of all, picture if you will. It's high noon, daytime, classic sunny day in LA It's always sunny, not in Philadelphia. In Los Angeles, normal human beings are roaming earth, not us night shift vampires. These are daytime people. And now entering the scene is our radio power, the one and only Mike the Leprechaun.
You know the guy, right, He's from Boston.
He sounds like he's gargling Lucky charms, yeah, that guy while yelling about the Celtics, and so he decides to show up to the Fox Sports radio studios in Los Angeles. Now keep in mind that this is roughly ten hours early for the big in studio experience and appearance. Ten hours. He's got more enthusiasm than a bright eyed, bushy tailed rookie at the NFL Combine, And of course he also has less sense than a Boston Red Sox fan betting on this team to win the World Series in twenty
twenty five. But for those of you in the back of the room who think somehow that we live in the magic radio box, I promise you, I promise you that is not true.
Spoiler alert, we don't. I am not here during the day.
Now. I did do some fill in radio. We'll talk about that as we get through the weekend. And so that was rare and appropriate, rare and appropriate. I got the call out of the bullpen to do some daytime radio. But typically I am sleeping in my coffin, if you will. I don't sleep long, but I try to get a snooze in during the day and I'm dreaming of Dodger World Series wins and Rams, Super Bowls and Clipper Championships, all the things that happen on a regular basis. So
I start making some calls. I sent some texts out, and here's what I've gotten from my boots on the ground. Apparently, Mike the Leprechaun attempted to waltz in to the station midday, wearing, from what I'm told, a green outfit that screams I lost a bet with a Saint Patrick's Day parade. I somehow lost the bet, and here I am so in
my head that cartoon bubble over my head. I'm sure Mallard prop guy will probably make some AI thing out of this, But in my head, Mike the Leprechaun's got a shamrock shirt on, possibly one of those fake beards, and he's likely carrying a pot of gold replica, not a real pot of gold, but a pot of gold replica he bought at Party City before they went out of business, and he's jingling louder than a slot machine
in Vegas paying out. Of course, they don't actually give the coins anymore, but if they did, you know that sound they make where you want a jackpot for Some of this is just in my head.
So what happens next? So I'll tell you what happens next.
The daytime crew, those poor coffee addicted souls who were stuck in stiff daytime radio, they thought they were being invaded. I'm convinced the people that worked during the day at the company thought they were being invaded by a deranged soap mascot who was going to throw Irish spring, bars of Irish spring like hand grenades at them, and it would explode and they'd be covered in Irish spring. Now turning the page two. So this of course triggered a
wild chain reaction. Of course it did. Now keep in mind, I'm sleeping while this is going on. Well, some of management, I want to be clear, not all of management. Some of management went deaf con one. They didn't reach out to me and asked me what happened or what I knew about the situation. They made some assumptions. They made
some assumptions without talking to me. So I'm told there was an email Shane that was bouncing around and might as well have had the subject line urgent unidentified leprechaun in the lobby.
Of course limited joking.
Now, from what I've heard, and a lot of this is second hand, and much of what you hear secondhand is embellished, some of the daytime shifters likely need a miniature horse, some kind of therapy animal from the Leprechaun paying a visit. Think of a remake of the Clint Eastwood movie Escape from Alcatraz Island, except this is a horror movie script written by a Celtic fan who just watched Jason Tatum go snap, crackle pop his achilles anyway
in the playoffs. So Hr is probably freaking out because Mike's asking everyone, you know, if they've seen his magic Shealey for all I know, because he said, you know, he's a fun guy, he's a goofball, He's a character. We love characters, and Mike the Leprechaun as a character. Now I didn't know this until I met him. You know, Mike was probably offering the Midday Crew Leprechaun blessings and all that for a better ratings book.
So we assume we don't know for sure.
We assume Michael Leprecaun was trying to pitch a segment called Shamrock Shake Sports Talk right there, in the Smurf kitchen, the bright blue smurf kitchen at the hallowed Fox Sports Radio building.
Now, the cherry on top.
Of this Irish stew of insanity is the text message I got from someone who will remain.
Nameless in management.
You know, the suits, the guys who think overnight radio it's all just fun and you know, just some frivolity and all that, and they don't take it that seriously. So the message is essentially dripping with the corporate speak, you know, typical rage and the vibe.
I God, I was somewhat annoyed by this.
Because it made it seem like I personally told Mike the Leprechaun to storm the castle, storm the tressel u Irish Leprechaun.
The vibe was, hey, mallor control your callers.
Now.
No one asked me anything about They just like sent me back like essentially, control your callers. This is a professional operation, not some kind of odd renaissance fair. So yeah, I mean, you know, right, you know, like tell that to the guy who's been calling the show for a couple of years now, Mike the leprechan claiming essentially he's probably got a direct line to the sweet spirit, the ghost of Red Arbach. I don't doubt that he's probably
got that. So story continues, and clearly, before I get going any further, Mike the Leprechaun clearly thinks time zones work like a mythical pot of gold.
The fact that he would show up that early, so.
Again he's got the daytime staff running for cup like in my head, like they're dodging, like TJ. Watt is decided he wanted to blitz the studio, and so now I'm the one. I'm the one getting the stinky from the you know, the management people like you know, and I'm like, no, what are you doing? I did not I did not lead anyone down this path. This is like blaming. If I'll use this, I used TJ. Watt
as an example. This is like blaming Mike Tomlin for Aaron Rodgers getting a one year deal with the Seilers. Like listen, I've done a lot of crazy things. It's part of being a radio guy. I did not create the chaos. I was just being polite. Mike had been begging to come.
To the studio.
He had reached out to me, and I gave him the date. We went back and forth on dates. I said, that's the date I'll be there. This is the time roughly we'll be there. And you know, I didn't create the cast. I'm just commenting on it. I'm doing the commentary on the chaos. So and again, a lot of this happened. I wasn't there. I was miles and miles away,
bunkered at the Malor Mansion. And according to the building security guard, who I have no idea, like, I'm there at night, the security guards at night are barely there. They're usually on food runs or they're sleeping or playing
on their phone. So, according to the security at the building, Mike the Leprechaun was about as charming as getting a flat tire on the four to zero five freeway here in LA and rush hour like he apparently scared the daylights out of the security And I really don't know why when I met him, because we've had crazier, zanier, wacky people that have walked in and visited us on
the show. And you know, listen, I love the people that are part of the show and the characters that make the show what it is, and some of you are out there. I've met some people on the spectrum. But you've all been very polite for the most part. You're just over the top and you're extroverts, and I'm an introvert, so I don't really understand that world. But I appreciate you for supporting what we do here, the
product that we put out on a daily basis. And without you, we don't get to go into the factory. So the people during the day were all freaked out. Way bottom line here, bottom line. So HR is probably writing a new iHeartRadio employee handbook, chapter titled leprechan Protocol. And I want to.
Circle back to what I had said earlier.
Listen, I do love the enthusiasm, and I have said it for many, many years, and I will continue to say it. Radio just means a little more to people that listen at night. That is special. It's something again that we don't just toss to the side, and it's something that the daytime crew will never understand unless they've
done overnights and done the nighttime shift. And now listen, if you work the daytime shift, you get paid a lot more money, They treat you pretty good, You get to go on trips and they you know, they'll send you to the Super Bowl and all that, so that those are all cool things and it's just a little bit different now. That said that said, for every man, woman and child, you should know that you cannot just storm the FSR studios like it's the Battle of Bunker Hill, like Mike the Leprechaun.
It is a place of business. There are rules.
I've told many of you that have come by, like normally you can come by and you.
Can only stay for it the most an hour, that's it.
And we've had everyone from Sean the hood Guy, Robbie the Mariner fan, We've had Sir for Todd the comedian that has come by, and of course Jays Scoop has been in many times the Great inca terror and for the most part, everyone followed the rules. This is the first time I can recall that something like this has happened. No one's ever shown up that early, all right, that's never happened. There was one incident, whether there were a
couple of things that happen. We had robbed the ambassador of Bakersfield, God bless him, and he brought a buddy of his who, unfortunately we had to to send away shortly after they arrived. He was a little intoxicated and making some people in the building uncomfortable. So obviously you don't want to have someone in there that's making other people uncomfortable because that's become his issue. And so I'll kick you out right away. I'll kick you out right away.
And there was also God, I forget it. I think it was like, I'm not gonna even give her name because I don't want trouble. I don't want to get sued. But there was a listener years ago, a female listener, who brought some red velvet cake and it was delicious, and she was really nervous, and I get it, you know, it's weird, you're in a new environment. And she was very nice, young lady, and as I remember she, she
was really shy. And then she went into the bathroom, the powder room, and she came out of the powder room and was bouncing off the walls, just like the most interesting person in the world. And I don't know for sure that she did what I think she did in the bathroom, but I wouldn't be shocked if something was snorted, if you know what I mean. Because it was a total metamorphosis, like next level metamorphosis, and so something happened. I don't know what she was doing, but
I'll never really probably know. But man, so the point we mentioned the bottom line here, So now management's likely got me on a very short leash and I wasn't exactly their favorite night owl to begin with. Right, So now I can add having having an email chain sent to the company employees and a angry text message. I can add that to years ago having my male band for not one, not two, not three, not four, no five?
How about six months? Again, nothing I did.
So Doc Mike, who doesn't really call a show much anymore, he still texts me or calls me every once in a while off the air.
So Doc Mike from Chicago, you got the Doc.
He's the guy famously during the pandemic who was booking urine therapists and other guests on the air for urine therapy. So my man, Doc's been a semi regular contributor for when he's not in jail or traveling around for twenty years. Over twenty years, Doc's been a fan of the show, and so he goes way back, we go by him. Doc was a young guy. He's an old guy now. I was middle aged when he started listening. I was really an old guy. I've been doing this a long time.
So Doc famously sent a goat head in the mail and so one of the management people got very upset with me, and this was rightfully. So this, you know, the thing that happened with Mike the Leprek, and I feel that in many ways that was an overreaction. But with Doc, Mike like the male thing. And again this is another situation where I did not tell him to do it, but Doc sent a goatthead, which would have been fine if the package had not started dripping blood
in the mail room. And so that's like a hasmat situation. Ove So the iHeart and mail people as you would imagine if there's a package with someone's name on it and there's like some kind of fluid which may or may not be blood tripping out of it. Like did somebody send body parts to Ben? Well, it was body parts, but it was from a goat farm somewhere in Iowa. And this is again a situation where I didn't tell Doc.
To sent it.
I told him I don't need a goathhead. He said, you need a godhead. I'm going to send you a GoAhead. This was back before the Cubs had won the World Series. So Doc and when Doc assumed that by us getting a GoAhead, the Cubs would win the World Series, which, oh, by the way, it took about god. I think this was like three when they were on that playoff run. So it took another thirteen years for it to work. But eventually it did work. Eventually it did work.
So I have a public service announcement. This is a.
Fifth hour ben malor public service announcement for all future pe ones who are fortunate enough to get the invite or force themselves and invite themselves and get the chance to walk in the hollowed hallways of Fox Sports Radio Studios. This is not Disneyland, it's not Universal Studios, it's not SeaWorld.
Although some of.
The people that work there look like they could work at all of those places, or be attractions at all of those places.
We have a lot of goofy people. There's a few of us that look like shambou So that's a dated reference.
But anyway, so just in the future, if you're coming to visit the nighttime show, don't go during the day. Leave the daytime people alone. Those sweet spirits. During the day they cannot handle you. They don't get me, and they certainly can't handle you. And I'm convinced it's going to take a long time for them to recover from what we are calling the Sheleley Shenanigans that took place. So Mike was very kind, Michael Leprechaun. He brought a lot of gifts. That Lorena was away. You know, Coop's
been gone forever, so they were all gone. But I was there, and it's my name's on the show, it's my product. And Mike was apologetic. He had a different version of events than I got from management. I wish I'd known that I would have let management know his side of the story. They only got one side of the story, and that's the side they chose to go with. He apologized.
He said he was just excited. He wanted to see where the studio was.
He booked a hotel room down the street because he wanted to be right there. And I still remember when I went. We had a meeting place and I told Mike, I said, listen, it was forty five minutes in the show. I said, Mike, I'm going to go out. I'm going to open the door, come in. And so I opened the door looking for Mike to Leprecaun. Now I've never met him at this point. This was at night after the whole daytime fireworks show, which is appropriate this Fourth
of July weekend. So Mike the Leprechaun is standing on the other side at the corner of Sepalveta and Ventura, so he's on He's across the street from the studios
on Sepulveda. He then I'm like, I'm waving at him because i only have a couple of minutes I gotta get back in the studio, And so I'm waving at Mike the Leprechaun frantically trying to get him to cross the street, very busy street in Los Angeles in the San Fernando Valley, and Sherman Oak's there to get him to cross a crossover and Mike is talking to like some homeless guy at the bus stop across the street and decides, well, I'm not going to walk down to
the crosswalk, and I'm certainly not going to run down to the crosswalk. I'm just gonna slowly walk across Sepulvita Boulevard. And he took us time. La La la la, la la la. Because leprechauns can't walk fast are leprechauns. He's the world's tallest leprechaun, And so he slowly walked across the street and I escorted him in. He was carrying bags of gifts because that's what lepercuns do, and there
you go. So I did inform Mike the leprekhn because he was apologetic, and he's a big fan of the show and he's probably gonna hear this at some point.
Maybe he's listening right now.
We told Mike, we said, listen, we're not banning you. You're getting us in trouble. We're not going to banish you. We're not going to send you to the end of the rainbow, although we'd like if you could go to the end of the rainbow and send us some gold coins. But he did bring some chocolate gold coins, so that was very kind of him. All Right, we have a little time left, a little time left on the on
the pod, so some food he fun. I thought this would be appropriate as I did a bonus Mallard monologue there on Mike the Leprechaun. Foody fun very popular. I know, nico A big fan of this in Vancouver loves it, and many of the people we met at the Vancouver Meet and Greet a while back, big fans, big fans. So this is a day in America where it's all about barbecue, burgers, hot dogs and all those are traditional foods eaten this Independence Day weekend. The taste of America.
It is interesting to note that is you might imagine two hundred and fifty years ago, things were a little bit different. In fact, not just a little bit different, they were a hell of a lot different back back in the day. And twenty years is a generation. So if you go back.
Two hundred and fifty years, let's do some malor math on that.
Two hundred and fifty divided by twenty, so that is twelve and a half generations ago, twelve and a half generations on American soil, since the beginning of modern America. The Founding Fathers twelve and a half generations ago, their taste buds were not quite like our taste buds, and they loved booze. Now we still love booze, and we're
told those that have studied the Founding Fathers. They celebrated the July fourth Light, which I guess it wasn't really ratified till a couple days after that, but four whatever. So they celebrated with amounts of large amounts of booze, so large that beer drinking Brian thought it.
Was a little too much back in his day.
And yeah, so very expensive oysters as well, and if you compare it to today's palette.
Many of the Founding fathers I saw this this week. I thought this was interesting.
Now. A lot of them resided right near the Delaware and the Potomac Rivers, a couple of famous bodies of water in America, and they were ahead of their time.
They loved the term farmed a table.
Now. Back then they just called it eating, but that was the norm, farmed a table. There weren't grocery stores everywhere, and in fact there were nowhere, and mostly ate seafood. That was the main food back in the day. And they were not eating Maryland crab cakes like sports with Coleman or Maine lobster rolls like or lobster lobster like our friends in Maine led by you know who, that's right,
whoopee Pie Blair never heard of this cracker. So the Founding Fathers consumed crab oyster and something called shad sh a d which apparently from what I have read, is that was like that was George Washington his go to Like George Washington loved that, love that, and I think that's a fishing bait company. Now, I believe that's a I think that's a fishing bait company. Now. The other
thing they love to eat is or eight. The founding fathers was turtle soup, Holy teenage mutant, ninja turtles, batman. They ate that with great abundance, great abundance stuff. By the way, shad fish, they say it's the term shad refers to the several species within the Alosenia subfamily, primarily found along the Atlantic coast of North America and all the way from Newfoundland in Canada to Florida, and it's
also been introduced in the Pacific coast. These days typically have green blue and green back, silvery sides, white underbelly.
They grow to be as much as twelve pounds.
That was the fish that George Washington like, I've seen these here in SoCal Catalina Island. I swear I've seen those, unless I was imagining it, I have seen that fish it looks very, very familiar. So that's what George Washington ate. That's what a lot of these guys ate. And we are told the turtles were harvested from bodies of fresh water. John Adams who would become known as a beer meister, John Adams, who who was not very successful at beer
back in his day. He dined on salmon and turtle soup with his wife, the lovely Abigail in seventeen seventy six, topped the meal off with her famous apple pie dowdy, which we are told of some kind of cobbler. Of all the food so far, the only thing I would eat would be the cobbler. Not a fan of the crab oyster, the shad fish, not into that. The turtle soup, No, I'm good. So the only thing I eat so far is the apple pan dowdy from Abigail, the Great Abigail Adams.
They ate peas, don't really like peas. That was they boiled the potatoes. I'd eat the potatoes. Eat the potatoes. I wonder if they did mashed potatoes. Probably not. It's calling potatoes back then. And so those were the common side dishes. And they had the hoe cakes whatever that is cornmeal hoe cakes, Okay, So I'd eat the corn cake or the cornmeal cakes, the apple pandowdy, I'd eat the boiled potatoes.
So I could eat some of this stuff.
If I was invited, if we went on that TV show Quantum Leap, and we went back to the beginning with the Founding fathers, I would be able to eat at the tab. I wouldn't eat the main dish, but I eat the side dish. Now, the gentlemen who were from further south when America was from James Madison, for example, from what we read, they enjoyed pork.
It's the other white meat that like rice. I could eat rice. They had peas called hopin John. I do have no idea what that is.
Now. My man Benjamin Franklin, good old Ben Franklin, he loved, of course turkey. Yeah, I eat turkey. My mom loved turkey too. That's probably why she named me Benjamin Franklin. She loved Actually I was named after a relative. But anyway, so there you go. They say that all of these gentlemen, the founding father they downed their amazing amounts of crab and oysters.
And pork and Turkey and.
All this stuff with massive amounts of alcohol. They also had some desserts as well. John Adams, as you might imagine, was a big booze guy. He loved morning booze, loved hardsider, hardsider, George Washington, loved all kinds of beer, loved it. Thomas Jefferson, you know, he had that French palate, and so he liked all that annoying French food like champagne. Now, the interesting thing that I saw here about Thomas Jefferson, and
this is where we should really thank Thomas Jefferson. He brought a lot of foods to America because they had you know, the Native Americans were here with the American foods from England and from Europe and all that. So from France he brought. And this is said to be of all the foods that Thomas Jefferson brought, this is said to be the one that was his biggest accomplishment, ice cream. He is said to have made ice cream
a desirable, beloved institution in America. And now it was considered an upper class delicacy around that time, and a lot of the founding fathers of James Madison Hamilton, they loved ice cream, right, they loved it. And there was you know, there's other stuff. There was Martha, George Washington's wife. Martha made a amazing cake. It was like a spiced cake supposedly had all kinds of nuts and fruits and booze and all that. So there you go. All right,
we'll get out on that. Have a wonderful Fourth of July weekend. Danny should be joining me tomorrow. Hopefully the timing on that works out. Danny is away for the holiday weekend, so hopefully we'll catch up with Danny. And where are the white women at.
Have a wonderful, glorious, glorious.
Fourth of July. One other food he note before I forget some of you sent me this story, and I don't know what you want me to do with it. Wienersnitzel the hot dog fast food place. They're selling a trucker hat which has gone viral. It's a trucker hat designed by a fan through a social media vote. It features the slogan just here for the Wieners. It's a for those of you that mind. Is a black and
white hat, red lettering. One size fits fits all. Typical trucker hat comes with a snapback because it's a trucker hat. It's a limited edition. It's only ten dollars, which is an amazing deal. Of course, you're going to be like a NASCAR driver selling Wiener Stincil. And what a brilliant marketing move. Because they have right above just here for the Wieners, they have the Wiener Stincil logo. So supplies
are limited, first come, first serve at each venue. We are told that in some venues this has already sold out, so if you're interested in.
That, you might want to make a run to the sausage.
Anyway, have a wonderful rest of your day and check us out this weekend. We'll have new podcasts and all the amazing fun and we'll catch you then, got a murder, I gotta go.