The Fifth Hour: Nooks, Crannies, Karate Chops

week on the overnight are not an offense. So we can schmooze, Danny G, you and I can schmooze and take care of all the things that we don't get to take care of during the week on our day jobs. Yeah, Saturday is one of those days where we can just kick back, can have fun. Well, for me until it's studio time, I'm still gonna go in and have fun with the Jonas Knock Show. But what better back to back personalities then Ben Mallard and then Jonas Knocks. What a day. Oh, it's very sweet of you to to

say that. I don't know that you actually believe it, but I but it's very kind of you to well, I mean, you're both kind of painting the acids. But you're fun on the air. Oh no, no, no, no no. We we like to spar a little bit. Yeah, that's it more interesting. So on this the Saturday pod, we've

got what do we have in the bodega? We've got Aqua Mallar looking down on you, back scratcher, and if we have time, we'll do a little scientifical We haven't done that in a while, and I only we've done it since the summertime, So maybe we'll bring that back, depending on time. But let's get right into it and we begin this being the second podcast the week in the life of Mallard and Danny g and we take you behind the afterglow of being big time network radio stars.

What doesn't that sound impressive to any network radio star? Man? That's like a that's like a big deal, right, and then you see our paychecks and it's like a comedy all right? What? Uh? So this past weekend a rather tranquil, mundane a weekend. I mentioned last week I had taped the documentary and so my whole schedule was all messed up and I was running all over the place. And this past weekend the life of of me pretty black, shopping, running errands, taking care of some grown up stuff that

I had to do. And we're having a hidden door put in the Mallard mansion like us, that's newsworthy, hid in door like for a speak easy, well not quite. What have you come over to the Halloween party, Danny that we're gonna have you'll I'll show you the hidden door coming out, Jeffrey Dahmer. It's gonna add a new layer of spooky. And so we had our our handy guy, a handyman who does a lot of the work because I'm incapable of doing anything. Uh, and so he does

a lot of work. And the guys like a magician and came over, spent a few hours working on it, came over another day worked on it. It's pretty much done. There's a few more things he has to do, but he did it pretty quick, which is nice considering he told us he had never built a door like this. It was like a secret door on wheels and you gotta pull this thing that dragged the door open. It's

it's kunny. But I did have a few hours of pool time my father in law out of town visiting North Carolina and doing his thing before the storm, and so he was kind enough to let me and the family, the wife and whatnot to use the pool. And so we met up with my sister in law and her family and call me Aqua Mallard, Danny g Aqua Maller. Now I do go swimming quite a bit at this house. Yeah, right, you have. You're coming off a bad leg. I don't see you as an aqua man. No, let me explain.

So it was a split splash kind of a good time, Danny. I do like to go in the pool, and it did help my knee because the pressure. I felt like I was normal again with my bum right knee inside the pool. Because when you move around in the pool, they tell you if you've got bad knees or bad whatever joint, you go in the pool. My mom she had arthritis. She had terrible rumor toward arthritis, and at one point before things got really bad for her, she we had like a hot tub, and but she eventually

couldn't get in the hot tub anymore. She was that bad, and so we got rid of it. But for a while I was like, yeah, it was great, but anyway, so it helped. It was the therapeutic and all that, although the chlorine was not great, and I also enjoy I have a side hustle which I talked about every once in a while. I am Uncle Benny, not Uncle Ben because that got canceled. That's the rice. But I'm Uncle Benny and my niece and nephew were at the

pool at the house. You know, I'm doing our thing whatever, and I got my five year old niece and my three year old nephew. Now, my job is a very important job as Uncle Benny. My job is as the sea monster. Have you ever played the sea monster? Dan? It's a very important role. As a relative of small children, I address myself. This is where the kiddos playfully punched me, and then I at that point turned into a thespian.

Now this sounds like a fun game. Yeah, yeah. So the kids pretend or they're they're actually not pretending because they're little kids. So I pretend like I've been waylaid molly wopped. When the little kids pretend, you know, they're they're actually not pretending. Like I said, they're punching. But I'll fly backwards like a vaudevillion median and I'll fly backwards are possibly forwards depending on how it goes which side I get punched. So I've done this kind of

thing for years with different relatives. I love it. I love being the sea Monster and Uncle Benny and all that. So it's it's a lot of fun, love hanging out with the kiddos. And the kids believe they have like superhuman strength then because they are punching the sea Monster and the Sea Monster is going flying, so they think they're like the incredible Hulk here. So all of it

was I was all I was having fun. It was all good and all that stuff, funning games, until my three year old nephew decided he wanted to crank things up a couple of notches. He went full karate kid on my ass. He karate chopped me right in the neck, right in the neck. Now, you're probably saying, right now, there's no way a three year old. I'm a grown ass man, I'm a very large human being, even though I've lost weight. How could a three year old child

possibly do any damn Well, you'd be surprised. You would be surprised. I was startled. It was days in the Adams Apple, right yeah, right right here. I mean it was brutal. I was like, no way, I lost my bearings. I was like, oh yeah, you get popped there and you're like your breathing is a little off for a couple of seconds. And from a little kid, a three year old child, The kid, of course, thought this was

all part of the show. The kid thought I was acting and thought it was funny, and then I'm of course not acting. So the kid had to be reprimanded by his mom and and also my my wife. But this kid was living like Ricky Martin back in the nineties. There, LaVita loca. I mean, this kid was living the life, loving life. Anyway. That was my my trip as Aqua Mallard Danny g As. I got a karate shop right to the Adams Apple. Damn. That was Cobra Kai come to life for you right there. Little ninja. I call

that kid. The ninja is what I want to call that kid. So moving on, we've got looking down on you, well not you, but looking down on on you the other Yeah. So I feel like I've been kind of living a Mallard's schedule recently. Not only have I still been doing hours at the school every morning. But now I've been driving right in to the network studios right after that. So at eleven am, I've been leaving the school and going to the studios to prepare the Covino

and Rich show. As you know, ben hours and hours of prep before a show, sitting there sorting through commercial reads and topics and different things like that, and printing out all the paperwork for them when they come in so that everything is coordinated and in front of them when they arrive. Their extensive selection include Summi to Sumi Tomo, sum Me Tomo, sum Me Tomo, their extensive collect father We'll do It Live. It was a long week of producing, but a very fun and and a very good week.

But my first day I'm driving in. On Monday, I leave the school at eleven and I was in a hurry because of the schedule. I hadn't had any breakfast, so I made a little pit stop at home after the school just to run into the kitchen and I made myself one of the best creations that came Did this really come from England? The English muffin? Oh, the English muffins is solid. You know, I'm not a breakfast eater.

But when I do eat breakfast, I enjoyed the English muffin. Dude, solid books and cranny whoever invented those little taste And of course you know right you're supposed to separate the two only with a fork or with your hands. You do not use a knife. Okay, is that the rule? I didn't know that that is the rule because it messes up those nooks and crannies. So I got this,

uh well done. I made sure to toast it nice and crispy, peanut butter on one side, some peach jam on the other side, rapid and tinfoil, and run to the car with my computer bag and headphones and everything else, off onto the road to get onto the freeway. Now, let's pause right here, Danny, because I have I'm breaking news here before you continue story number one? Do you know who Samuel Bath Thomas is? I used to play

quarterback for the Raiders in the nineties. He did. He also is an Englishman who is credited with creating the English muffin. All He migrated to the United States and, according to my Internet research, sold the first Thomas English muffin in eighteen eighties. So you're the English muffin is over a hundred and forty years old, and he is

credited as the inventor. As you said, the nook and cranny, Uh, an American newspaper was the one that came up with the term English muffin, and because I guess it sounds better than grittle cake, so that was the other option. So we'd like to thank the very much dead Samuel Bath Thomas and his descendants for giving the world the gift of the English muffin. And we'd also like to thank a newspaper for coming up with it. That is,

that is wonderful. And he just was experimenting in the in the kitchen and realized that the the the crumpets grittle cakes made with Richard dough and cooked only on one side, and that expanded the bubbles to form a honeycomb. So there you go, crazy, I'm sorry, but yeah, no, no, I'm glad I learned that. What an invention. They've been a staple in the g household since I was a little kid. The Garrett del he's really fond of that

guy's work. Yeah, I had those two when I was a kid, and I didn't any a lot of breakfast. My mom would like try to get Mid East stuff, but that was one. I would go for buttered English muffin solid and jelly. You can go with jelly as well either way. Yeah, my mom would put that on the kitchen table with some cantaloupe and she'd be like, shut up, there's your breakfast. So so I, you know, flashing back to a quick breakfast, my mom would serve, I have the English muffin, peanut butter jam, wrap it

up in tinfoil, really quick. Run to the car, and I'm at a stoplight before I get to the freeway on ramp. You know, I don't like eating in the car that much. You're you probably are similar. My wife loves eating in the car, and it tries me nuts because there's always like little food pieces. I hate that. I hate that. I don't like it either. I don't like the feeling of crumbs on my shirt or shorts. I don't like I don't like to have sticky hands

on the wheel. It all bothers me. But I was so hungry that I had to make an exception, so I pulled out the little thing of hand sanitizer. I pulled out a napkin, and I was like, Okay, I'm gonna just try to eat this while I'm on my way, because I had a forty minute drive to the studio. Unwrapped the tinfoil, I'm all ready to go take a bite of the English muffin. And I get some peanut butter on my face, get in your face, and I'm like, oh man, so I'm like trying to get it off

my face. I get the paper towel. I you know, I have it on my thumb. I'm like, my hands are clean now from the hand sanitizers. Think about going back home and getting your dog to clean off the clean it off my hand, and and I'm kind of a mess because now it's like, you know, my hands are sticky. I have crumbs on my shirt. I realized I've been at this red stoplight for a little while. I happened to look over to my right and sitting right next to me. You've seen these trucks in Orange County.

I'm sure the ones that are sitting up high, yes, yeah, yeah. So to the right of me is this gentleman in a truck staring at me, and he gives me a thumbs up and this look of wow, you're really going at that English muffin, buddy, he's relating you. Danny's like, I've been there, man, I know sometimes you just gotta go for it in life. You gotta go the veil going. No, that's not the look he gave me. Look he gave me was dude, have you ever missed the meal you

so he gave you? I've gotten that look before. You're a fatass? What are you a pig? Oink oink oink that kind of thing. I pity the fool that doesn't give me my burto thumbs up, you fat pig eating that peanut butter English muffin at the stoplight. Well, that's no good. That's that's no good. The week did not get off to a good start, at least for the

travel there to the studio, so I felt ashamed. I put the rest of the English muffin away and its tinfoil, cleaned my hands and tried to act like this never happened. My lips have been on it, I'm sure. Man. All right, So are you gonna eat again in the car? Now? Is that the you know? Unless I'm completely alone in the middle of South Dakota on the roads there by myself now, one week into the Caveno and Rich experience, have you figured out your schedule? Is it still up

in the air. You still navigating that part because in radio things change rapidly, but you have another gig and so it becomes a big problem. It was two hours before the show, so I was in there at noon, and then two hours after the show I was leaving at six pm. So it seems like six solid hours alright, So let me I'm doing the math on this. And so you start out at the school, you then leave to go to the radio, You then go back to

the school. No, no, no, if the school schedule, I am still trying to sort through, but at least for now I'm going to help them out in the morning. Okay, Yeah, it was a long day, um because I started at six thirty am and I ended at six pm. Got you first world problems because I've been unemployed before, like a lot of radio people. I've been fired from radio jobs, like a lot of good radio people. And this is a way or issue to have than when you're on

the beach looking for a paycheck. No, it is. And I've had a couple of friends that have lost radio gigs over the last couple of months, one of my buddies, he reached out to me. I will not say who who, because I don't know that he wants this information out there, but he told me he agreed. He just signed a contract.

It is not official officially, he's going through lawyers. But he was bragging to me, Danny that this guy he did a five day a week radio show at a pretty popular radio station, and he's he's partnered up with someone on a podcast, and there's somebody with a lot of venture capital who bought the podcast. He's gonna make more from a one hour podcast a week than he was making doing five days of radio. And he was

bragging to me. I said, come on, schmuck, Okay, I don't need to hear about that, Okay, you I had to hear some stories like that, though, because you always hear that works smarter, not harder. Works smarter or not harder, but it in some industries it's not really possible. You have to kind of ride the wave and go with the flow. You can't demand new hours. Yeah, and the podcast thing is going to level out. It's it's early on and a lot of companies look at that as cool. Radio,

it's kind of old and podcasting school and all. That's not even radio anymore, right, it's audio now. Yeah, they got rid of the word radio. That's taboo, that's ore boating. You can't say the radio canceled. You're you're not audio your radio, you're canceled exactly. But it's one of those things. My theory on this is that it'll go back. It's kind of kind of like they're people that still collect typewriters and they're they're into that, or or maybe the

better example would be with music. Oh, turn tables, yeah, turntables. Right, there's a lot of young people that in their entire life they never experienced turntables as a kid or anything like that, and they're still kids, are teenagers, are in college and they want to get turntables. They want to get vinyl. Yeah. Or his birthday, our middle kid, I bought him one of those portable turntables that also connects

to bluetooth. Yeah. I got him the slip matt for it, and I bought him his very first piece of vinyl, which was a Travis Scott LP so new music on old school record on vinyl, which can't beat that. Man, Vintage comes to life. Yeah, that's pretty cool. And the thing about radio, I'm biased. We're both by we work on radio, and this is a podcast. We're trashing podcast while doing a podcast. I'm not trashing a podcast. I think a podcast is great. But the thing the podcast

cannot do is the immediacy be doing it live. And some people try to do podcast live and whatever, but most people listen to a podcast listen at their convenience, right, and we put the podcast up in the morning, and there are people that might listen this is we're doing this on a Saturday podcast, but there's people might listen on Monday or Tuesday. There's a very communal aspect when you listen to live radio. It's not doing what we do talk radio overnight. I'm on during the day of

the show you're working on. But to me, there's something special about that. Maybe it's I'm old, but there's something cool that whatever you're doing, whatever pathetic thing you've got going on in your life, you're listening to somebody and they're also alive and they're breathing and they're keeping your company. And I still think there's something special about that. And I'm probably dating myself and I'll get canceled for this, but that's the way I feel. That, that's the way

I feel. No, I think a lot of people would agree with you. And that's why we have the best of both worlds. I love the fact that we can record and then also have the opportunity to be live. If somebody asked you what would be your perfect scenario and broadcasting, I think right now in two going into that would be it podcasting and live radio. Yeah, you don't want to pigeonhole yourself in one or the other. You'd like to do a little bit of both. And

so we're pretty lucky on that. And don't get me wrong, I love the people that listen to the radio show on the podcas Yes, and there are some days we actually have to find more people download the podcast and listen to the live show because of the timing and all that that we're on late at night. But anyway, that's my ranting and Raven we have the back scratcher. The back scratcher, you scratch our back, We scratch your back.

Our weekly tip of the headphones and the microphones to the loyal minions who have been speaking of podcast listeners going to the podcast page, the Apple podcast page for the fifth hour, and we don't really understand why, but management does check this, and the people that run the podcast department at I Heart do check these reviews. So we go to the podcast page. And you want the good news of the bad news, Danny, what do you want? Always start with the bad first. Alright, The bad news

is we have pitched a shutout this week. Not a single review this week, not a single review. Damn it. How could there be any good news? Well, the good news is we still have a very high rating on the Apple podcast because no one's trashed us, so we we still are doing pretty well there. And I think

we're four point eight if I'm reading this accurately. I want to throw a flag on that though, because it was four point nine for months and months and months and months and all we've been receiving, thankfully, our five star ratings. So how did it go down to a four point eight? Yeah? I have no idea because pretty much all of the bad ratings we got where when I was doing the stuff with Gascon and we were doing like political stuff and people are losing their mind.

Didn't agree with us politically, and they would get all upset. But we haven't done that. We've really stayed away from that for the most part. We moved on from that. We did a lot of that during COVID. On the podcast, we do political stuff and we haven't done that. And so yeah, I don't I don't get it. It makes no sense. That's just one point. But you could help the overall score by going in there and writing review.

Just click on the scription of this very podcast and you'll see the link in the description, it says Tom rate review, subscribe. Click on that link. Page down a little bit, you'll see that big overall score and then it says write a review and you just click on that to make a user name. Yeah, and it's very so we have a few. This is the time we would we would give you love right now if you had done it last week, we would give you love, and we'll be sitting here waxing poetic reading your words.

But we don't have that, and so we'll move on. Let's get scientifical. Damn me a little time, let's go. I've done this a long time, so this is a tribute. There's a show I used to love called The Bullshit and it was hosted by Penn and Teller, and they would look at some certain things and says that real bullshit. Well this is based on that, But we're gonna do scientifical which is studies and surveys and things like that, and then we'll say is this something that we believe

in or do you think this is bull ship? So here we go. Seventies six percent of Americans say they feel guilty whenever they do this. What do you think it is Danny masturbate? Uh no, hey, I don't think it's that high on masturbation and be that's not the answer. The answer is throw away food. Okay, yeah, so this is something I actually do feel guilty. My wife, I'm happy to report, does not feel guilty. She at the first sign of an expiration date, possibly being close right

to the trash. And I try to explain to the misses there, I said, listen, that's just an estimation. It's a gut estimation. It's not accurate. And we're wasting a lot of money throwing away food that we could still be eating because of some date that is on the package. And uh and what is your position on that? Damn?

Oh no, I'm with you. We match on this. When I first integrated with my chicken her family, I had to get used to seeing some of them throw food away, and that was weird because where I come from, you throw nothing away. You save everything, and you repurpose every leftover possible and the whole There are kids starving in Ethiopia, Yeah, but my mom would be like, there are kids starving down the street here in Rialto. She didn't have to

point to Ethiopia. So I always joke, and I always tell my girls kids, Hey, there are starving kids in Recita, California, so you better package that up and save it for later. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It tries me nuts, and I'm like, yeah, you know, what are we doing? You know? And then we gotta go back and buy the same stuff, and the same stuff is not gonna be eating. And now I'm saying that you look at the food and you you do the smell and the either the smell on

the eyeball test. Is there any kind of fur growing on the food? Is there an odd smell from the food, And as long as it conforms to the standards, then you go for it. I understand throwing things that are rotten or of course outdated away. Yeah, that makes sense, and my girl has gotten a lot better with this over the past couple of years. When somebody makes a big plate and they make their plate too large, I don't think you should be able to throw your leftover

food away because your eyes were too big for your stomach. Yeah, I'm I'm, I'm right there. You gotta eat all those cheesy hash browns. You know, you got to. Even if you took committed you gotta even all right. Next up on Scientifical, people who identify as being positive thinkers are more likely to have this on their desk at work. Positive thinking cocaine, bunch of hookers and cocaine. Well, that would be interesting. N G. I'm surprised that's not the answer.

The correct answer, according to this is a radio listening to music. Okay, shout out radio. I saw that we were just talking about live radio. Next up on Scientifical, only of couples share this. What do you think it is? Well, that is likely a higher percentage or lower percentage. I should say, Uh. The number here is a bank account. Okay, bank account. There's always a dicey conversation when you get into a yeah mixture and a rich tapestry of a relationship. Well,

now you just use zel or venmo to share funds. Yeah, you can can do that. But when you're coalescing and you have to decide which direction you want to go, and some people are very protective other people that have col that's not that's a big word, right, Oh it is. I was going to give you that's a twenty word. I'm very proud of that. Trying to add some new words to my lexicon, trying to I think that's good. All right, Next up? Seven percent of Americans have never

been here. Seven I've never been here? Where is the shower? I wish it was only seven percent, but higher than that on the shower. But it does involve water, Danny. Seven percent of Americans have never been to a beach? Ever been to a beach? Are those all people living in South Dakota, Iowa, Wyoming. Yeah, you go to assume far away from the east and the west coast, But can't you go to a beach, Like if you go to a lake, it's a beach, isn't it. It's not

technically it's not a beach. It needs the water needs to be moving and it needs to be saltwater. Oh those are rules? Are you sure? I think so? You're making that up. I made it up. Just google it. Just google rules of a beach. Because I've been in Chicago and I look out. I was just in Chicago this year. You go out and look at Lake Michigan and Chicago. You're telling me that's not a beach when you're walking around there. I know it's not an ocean. I get it. I understand that. But to me, that's

a beach. And on the weekends when the weather's got nice in Chicago in the summertime, people are going down to the beach. They're enjoying the beach. Or when I was in Wisconsin at Lake Winnebago, it's a beach. It's a lake, but it's a beach, beach, it is a beach. What qualifies as a beach, as a beach beach is a narrow, gently sloping strip of land that lies along the edge of an ocean, lake or river. There you go, wow, Well, so you're telling me they've never even been to a

lake or a river. That's how How is it possible? Because as I understand it, the human species needs water to survive, and so pretty much all of the population is based around water, like the people live near bodies of water. In fact, I mentioned this on the radio show I'll mentioned this in passing quickly. I don't have

too much time left. But there was a documentary I watched last weekend and it pointed out that back in the eighteen hundreds, when America was still early on and people were the big move to the west from the east to the west, and they were taking over the land in the western part of the United States, there was a scientist that recommended in Washington, d c. Spoke in front of Congress. He said, here's the way we need to do this. We need to have the population

centers based around where the water is. And because humans need water and there's not a ton of water. How the funk they knew this? This guy knew this in the eighteen fifty or whatever. It's insane to me. They

didn't know technology the way they have now. But this guy spoke with Native Americans and he found out the lay of the land and where the water wasn't all that and so nonetheless, uh, he told them this, and the political class at the time said, screw you, Who're not gonna do this, and so what you have is you have states that are based where two states are fighting for water, you know, in multiple locations in the Western United States. You also have something I didn't know about.

There's this dead zone which goes from it's like midway through Texas and it goes to Colorado, like the whole middle part of the country where there's not a lot of population because there's not a lot of water and nothing really grows there that well, so it's a it's an interesting documentary. I don't know, I got sidetracked on that was way ahead of his time, just like the guy who invent to the English muffins, Yes, the great

English muffin. If there's one thing you take away from this podcast, it's Samuel bath Thomas, an Englishman who migrated to the United States, and aren't we grateful for the English moment. You know what they call English muffins in England A muffing from down the street. I'm muffing from Downstay all right, we'll get out on that, Danny. Anything at all to promote here, anything at all you would like to toss out into the ethos. Yes, I'm gonna

be driving back to the studios. Eleven am Pacific time, when the Jonas Knock Show starts for Saturday. Two hours of fun, two guys is enough for me. And then right after that Steve Hartman and E from Salon. So that is your day today and I will be back tomorrow. We spruce up the podcast at the mail Bag and then back on radio on Sunday. Enjoy the college football today,

and don't forget Benny versus the Penny still available. Get it Walt's hot, Get it Walt's Hot, and we will talk to you next time later, Skater to make funny go. What do you think about the Wizards