The Fifth Hour: Lemons to Rhymes

with us. We thank you, and you know what I'd like to do Danny one of these these weeks. How do you consume the podcast? I know some guys have let me know that they listen to the podcast on Monday or Tuesday while they're working, Like I've heard that from certain people. I've heard other people say that they listen to it very early in the morning on Saturday while they're they're doing crap around the house, doing the adult adult ing stuff that you don't like to do.

But I'm curious, like what are people doing while they're consuming the podcast. I'm wondering, like, what what is the number one activity are people on the treadmill. Are they working out? Like? What's going on? What? What? What content are you are you doing? What are you doing in your world while we're barking away here? Now, that is a good question. My better half would always download it on Monday as she was driving to work back and forth.

I would always download it to check it as I drove to the network for my Saturday shift, to make sure everything loaded okay for all the listeners. In my mind, a lot of people use it in their car because we've talked about the magic of podcasting before, and if you have a good forty minute podcast and you have a half d that thirty minutes goes by so fast when you're listening to a podcast, a good one, Yes,

that is true. I also like when I'm working out what I call working out, which is just really walking. My right hand was getting a workout, you know. When I'm doing that, I like to have a good, good show to listen to because it does make the time fly by. It's this weird phenomena where you can speed up the spacetime continuum if you have good audio content. But let us know if you want to reach out to us, we have the mail bag on the Sunday Podcast.

But if you want to send an email, we have a special email address that's only for this show, that is not for any of the other shows that we are all a part of, and you can send in an email care of Real Fifth Hour at gmail dot com. It's all letters, no numbers, Real fifth spell out the word fiveth Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. And instead of putting mail bag in there, just put you know what I'm doing something like that and let us know.

And next Saturday, depending on how many we get, Danny, we can find out what the people are doing, the pulse of the people, so we'll have that too to look forward to on this edition of The Fifth Hour, which, by the way, I just realized nobody else might care what other people are doing while they're listening to Pockets, but I'm curious, So it for you. Yeah, We've got you won't get a lemon. Just like Rihanna House guests,

Pop goes to the culture Backscratcher. We got a lot of things to get to and limited amount of time, so let's get to it right now. So we kick off The Fifth Hour with Ben Mallory and Danny g after a wonderful trip, which we gave on a travelog on the Friday podcast. We got back to La La Land, myself and the wife. We got back on Saturday night.

You pick up an hour. One of the cool things about the time difference between Mountain time and Pacific time is you leave Phoenix when you fly to l A. And I usually drive, so this is new to me. I know, I don't think I've drew. I've flown to Phoenix in like twenty something years. But when you fly back and the time is different, you obviously you take off at like six thirty and you land at six thirty, so it's like you've picked up the It's wonderful you

picked up the hour. It's great. You go up and it's like, it's ridiculous how short a flight it is, but a wonderful time. We talked all about that on the Friday podcast. And then you get back, you get in the car and now there was something I left out of the podcast on Saturday. That's a bad job by me, bunch of hookers and cocaine. All right, So you can come back in my haste to travel around and do all the different things and try to soaked as much of the NFL Super Bowl Week experience as

I could. At one point, let's just say I did not get a lot of sleep, Danny. I was sleep to pride, and I don't get a lot of sleep anyway. Normally I get four to five hours of sleep at night during the week, and I probably got over those three days because of having to get up early for the flight and then just working a lot, not being able to sleep in the crappy hotel. I maybe got three hours total. So this is not good. And uh.

We parked the car at the airport, so I had the car key, and after we got done doing the podcasting and the radio show with Rob Parker, I reached to the pocket that was on my jacket that I remember putting the car key in, and there's no car key. Oh no, yeah, And I'm like, so I'm going through my my pants and then I'm like in my head, I'm like, well, I put the jacket down at radio row. Maybe the jacket it fell out of the jacket. So my wife's like, call call wrong Button Bob. Maybe Bob

will find So I call wrong Button Bob. I'm like, hey, Bob, you know I called him. There's a problem whatever, and you can you look around for the car key and he says, sure, no problem. So he's he's going around, he's looking, and then he gets back and he says, uh, I didn't find anything. So now I'm like, oh, holy holy shit balls. You know, I don't have the key. I don't know where it is. So my wife's like, oh, you probably just misplaced that you left in the hotel room.

Nothing to worry about. And we had already left Radio Row and I'm like, well, no, we should probably go back. I I maybe he didn't look the right way, you know. My head, I'm like, I can find it, you know. She told she talked me out of it because we had we had these plans to go to the super Bowl party and it was really the only night we had to do anything. So I was like, all right, fine, you know or whatever. So I looked through everything. I looked through my bag, I looked through my my cluck.

We got back to the hotel room. I'm going through the suitcase. I'll just carry on. I didn't bring that much stuff because it was only a couple of days. So I'm going through everything. I can't find that g D key. I can't find this thing anyway, made it hard for you to concentrate on the strippers with Rob Parker exactly. Man, I remember this is nice. It ain't Magic City, but it nice. But but no, so so like I'm piste off. I'm like, oh crap. So my wife's like, don't worry. We have a backup key, my

father in law. She calls her dad. She's like, father in law, go pick up the key and he'll help us out and then we have nothing to worry about. So I was like, all right, fine. Um, So we went out, we did a thing. We uh. We came back to the hotel, got some sleep, and then as I get up to go out, my wife wanted to get coffee. So I was like, I'll go for a walk with her. And as we're wandering around, I reached the upper pocket in my jacket and there's the key.

I don't know where it had been. I had touched every pocket, I had gone through every pocket. I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. It's like where was it? Because I know, and my wife thinks I was just so tired that I just, you know, in in my haze, I didn't see it. I feel the key. Wow, oh my, oh my god, Yes, I was. I was. I was dazed and confused, is what I was. I was disheveled. Anyway, So we get to the airport after the short flight and and now

have the key. So I canceled my father in law, UH and very nice to get to the UH, get to the car, getting the Malamobile, go home. And then the next day, Super Bowl Sunday, my wife's out running an errand and I'm making p and some Super Bowl food and I get this text it happened again. I'm like, all crap. And it turns out the Mallowmobile, yet again, Danny has gone snap, crackle, pop, light show, dashboard popping,

engine failure, engine failure. So for the fourth time since last summer, at least the fourth time since last summer, my wife had to call the tow truck and take the car to the repair shop on Super Bowl Sunday. And now it turns out that that particular car is literally on its deathbed. Danny that we took it to the repair shop, the place that fixed it or we thought fixed it the last couple of times, and they said the quotea famous boxer no Moss they tossed in

the sponge here, Danny. They don't know how to fix it. They don't know what the fun is wrong with it. They thought they knew they're getting the same messages they got before, even though they fixed the problem. So it can't be the problem that it fixed before because they put a new part in. So they told us to take you to the dealer. So the car is being

transported to the dealer the Malan Wibile. Meanwhile, we only have one car at the Mallard mansion, so I'm pretty much under house arrest at this point because my wife she's unable to work remotely. I'm able to work remotely, so I'm pretty much stuck here around the clock, which

I don't mean. I'm fine. It's great that we have this um So I've been unable to go into the main studio in Sherman Oaks because I my wife needs the car to help save people's lives doing the nine one one thing that she does, and so we thought that was probably more of a priority. Intermittent chest pains and I shortness. Top it turns out, you know, you won't get a lemon Well the car. It turns out

it is a lemon. And now now we have to figure out what we want to do as far as getting another car, and that means the dreaded car payment, because it's hard for me to imagine that anyone's going to give us any money for a car that won't drive. And why wouldn't we spend more money fixing it when we could just spend that money and directed towards a car. So we're we're gonna have to go and and that's actually what I'll be doing today on on this Saturday,

is car shop. So good luck. And it's not like it used to be. Like it used to be you could haggle and get a better deal, Yeah, not anymore. Now it's pretty much whatever it is, that's the deal. You get what you get and that's it. So, yeah, you're right, that's what it is. Uh. And then based on your down payment, that's what your monthly payment is. And a lot of the banks right now are not offering good interest rates to even customers that have you know,

nice credit. The banks are all looking for extra dough right now as well. So I went through this just a few weeks ago myself. Not fun, but it's necessary. Unfortunately. Yeah, that sucks. I'm I'm piste off. And then we're like debating. We were starting to think about cars, and I'm sure we'll talk more about this next week because it will be you get a hot rod this time, Ben, something I'd like, Well, you know, I could I could be on a motorcycle. I could be the fat guy on

the motorcycle. You'll get good gas mileage, you know, and all that you could drive in between lanes. And I was like, any my wife's throwing out all these different ideas on cars that get great gas mileage. But they're not really designed for big people. You know that they're not designed for tall people. They're designed for little people. So there's that problem and we'll see what happens. But the Mallamobile, it appears that we will have a nice burial in a Junkyard near you that it has met.

It's de miz a lot of miles, a lot of road trips, a lot of good memories in that car. The car has bit the dust. It would appear, barring some kind of hail marry situation that is unforeseen at this moment, that car is on life support. It's carmageddon for that car because of your legs, your long legs. You need an e V that's like a crossover like those new Ford Mustang's. Yeah, yeah, you know, it needs to be at least the size of a Porsche Cayenne.

But then I'm like thinking if I get a hybrid or an electric type of car, something along those lines, like how many miles is that really gonna lie as? I want something that's gonna go two hundred fifty thousand miles is what I want. And that's an ugly Toyota. I don't know that I want that though, Like how many miles? My wife's like, get a Prius. I'm like, I don't fit a Prius. But how many miles to

cars like that get? I'm curious. I want to know from the pulse of the people here who have cars like that, Like I wonder what's the best bang for your buck? If you can recommend something, send me an email and put cars in the headlines there Real Fifth Hour at gmail dot com or Ben Mallard's show at gmail dot com. It's just like Rihanna at the super Bowl. Dandy g just like Rihanna. Yeah, And what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna send you the program from a few nights ago.

All right, that way you can look at what we had had to sit through at a gymnasium for our twelve year old. If you are regular to the Fifth Hour podcast, you hear Chloe's laugh often, so you know who that is and she's part of choir. Alright, so I sent you the uh the song lineup right now that we had to suffer through. Okay, that's a lot of words and funny songs, twenty songs. I am high

tailing it with my post production for CNR. On Wednesday night, I get into bumper to bumper traffic to come home and the concert quote unquote concert started at six thirty pm. I make it home at six like yeah, and my Tenderoni is very surprised because she knows it's really hard to get home through all that traffic. And I'm like, well, I can't miss Chloe's opening song because you look at this thing and unfortunately her performance part is the opening

song and the closing song You're screwed. And she's laughing saying, you guys are gonna be stuck there for two hours and she's doing this. I'm looking at it, what is it? I'm still Standing that one right there, and then they open with Elton John's famous I'm Still Standing, which also got popular again from one of those cartoon movies, Sing Too, and then she's part of the closer, which is Disney

Dreams to Share. It's a lot of Disney songs, and then right in the middle is a song from a lot of Morrisset ironic from her Jagged Little Pill that and there's a Randy Newman song in there. Well, I guess that's a yeah. But it was just odd because like all these Disney classics and then a lot of more a set, so there wasn't a lot of rhyme or reason. They were calling it like a Disney night, but it was like a weird Disney night. There were too many songs. There were too many kids up there

doing duets. The duets were not a hit because one kid could sing and the other one couldn't, and so they kind of washed each other out. Me and the wifey were sitting all the way in the back and we're being really bad parents because we're cracking up laughing most of the time because some of the vocals were so out of tune. The pitch was off it's gonna be a note for me, dog. And this was the Gong Show. They would have been gonged off the stage, a hook would have come out. Sandman would have been

dancing pulling the kid off the stage. All right, Chloe, Now yeah, I don't know how much she likes choir class, but Ben, let's just say the way, Rihanna got a lot of crap because she wasn't moving very well. Great. It was a pregnancy announcement with her belly sticking out, so I think a lot of people gave her a past. They're like, well, you know, she is pregnant, so how do you expect her to be dancing. But some people were like, well, still, you gotta you gotta come with it.

That's the halftime of the Super Bowl. I heard that Cavino and rich right, they promo. I heard they were. They were like, it's a super Bowl. You gotta you know, you gotta present yourself. This is a big deal. Really looked like if you paid attention to the show, she lip SYNCD and not very well to all the songs until the end of her performance, where they turned her mike on live for the last two songs. You can really cut it up. How is this going to turn

out for Chloe? Especially that closing song. We're suffering through the middle seventeen eighteen songs, laughing at most of them. There were a couple of kids that really killed it. Well, that's about where it should be, right exist difficulty didn't have real music ability. That's within where it should be. I would say three out of fifty probably not that bad. How much did they charge for this? Did they charge

to get in? It was a good deal. It was person first drink, free, free donut at the end of the night. It was free. Oh that's good because some of the school stuff around where I'm at they like charge money for it. I'm like, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, I like the sporting events here where I live. It's ridiculous how much they charge. So I guess they kind of they got to kind of make it up with freebes like this. Now, Chloe, she does the first performance, the first song, and her dad is

there in attendance as well, and he leaves. Chloe is making his face, She's looking at us, She's looking at her dad leaving, and we're all laughing because we told her afterwards, we said, you suck so bad your dad left performance. Now they get to the final Disney Dreams to Share and we're like, all right, well, this is where Chloe is gonna shine at the end of this big performance where we had to sit for an hour and a half, ninety minutes of my life, I will

not get back ever. And close up there Ben with with she's an alto. Okay, so she's up there with the sopranos, the baritones, not moving. She has a sullen look on her face, and she is only mouthing like every fourth word, oh boy. And now videotaping this because I want to show her afterwards, so I get a close up. The most animated she was is when it was over. That last song ended. Now the applause were glorious because all the parents realized it was over. Thank God, hallelujah.

This concert is over, and the choir teacher is now handing out donuts to all of the kids that performed. Ben. She was jumping up and down dancing as she was in the line to get a donut, and I swear to God, her brother tells her, too bad, you don't love choir as much as you love donuts. That's see I would be just like Chloe. I'd be like, all right, man, we're good. Now it's donut time. I I totally get it. Man, there's nothing better than a good donut. Did she get

the favorite donut? And it was quite the experience. I think the next time there is a concert, I'm gonna be stuck in traffic. Yeah. Well, and got one of the oven there, and so you you can master all these things, Danny. By the time the next kid pops out there, boom, done this boy, we have coming. He

is not gonna do choir. No, I've heard the worst I've never been part of, but I've heard the worst is track and field that goes on for hours, track and field, and it's a bunch of different events, and if you're out there to see your kid, you know, it's just a nightmare, just a freaking night I've never done track and field, so I don't know, but I've heard that's the worst. So we've got the house guest now,

So am I this this week? I'm gonna be quiet, Danny, because I they're they're just down the hall from the studio here, the podcast studio I'm in. I didn't realize you got guts. Yeah. Well, my my brother in law and his fiance are staying with us here in the north Woods. They are house shopping right now. They're looking for houses, not at this hour, not that, not what

we're doing the podcast. But as a result, I've noticed that this last week, not only did I not have an automobile to go anywhere because the mallamobile has been down for the count as we talked about earlier in the podcast, but because I have a certain routine, I've a much been locked up. I've got cabin fever a little bit. I've been locked up in the studio where I do the show from because that's where i've been prepping for the show. I usually would prep elsewhere, but

I need need no distractions. I don't need anyone yap or anything like that, so so I've had to kind of stay off in the corner here, and I need laser like focused Danny. I haven't had a lot of laser like focus. So I've been hunkering and bunkering in place because I feel like that's the plight thing. The other thing about you know, the house guest thing. Uh, A lot more dishes. I've noticed a lot more dishes, so I'm the dishwasher, so I've had to spend more

time doing that. Do you have enough bathrooms? That's the one thing I don't like. I feel awkward sharing bathrooms with people. Yeah, we have a decent amount of bathrooms. The problem is the one I would normally use is kind of they've kind of overtaken the bathroom, so I feel like it's it is kind of weird to go in there when they're because we've kind of given them

that bathroom. So then I have to walk past that bathroom, I gotta walk down the hall in a door, I gotta go up another hall to get to the other bathroom. So it's not to live in a mansion. Well, it is the Mallard mansion, as you know. All right, we have backscratcher. Are you excited for some backscratcher? Tell me you are very excited? Yes? Do it? How many do we have that? What's the options this week? Do we have one? Two or four? One? Two or four? Dan?

You don't usually go up to four? Yeah? Yeah, I'm digging. You're pulling our chain there, So I'm gonna say too, well, Danny, uh, you got it right? How dare you how do you get it right? The first one is let's see who do we have. We have your fee Me from Chicago, mean your fee Me. This guy's a big fan, he says, how I Ben, how are you? Is what he says in the headline. That's a great quote of Andrea. These sports astrologists, he says, I try to catch the pot

every weekend. I enjoy hearing about the live your lives Ben and Danny G. I give this pot an a plus with a side deep dish pizza hashtag mallar milicias. So that's five stars. Good job by you, Phoebe. Next up, we have our buddy Cliff in Nashville, he says, always entertaining. I love the real Fifth Hour, never boring, always interesting. It's a great listen. Do you're Ben and Danny G share their life experiences. I will miss Benny versus the petty.

I look forward though the next season, looking forward to the interesting interviews with surprise guests that Danny G lines up. Yeah, we will get back to that. We're gonna mix in some new and some old people that we've had on the past and we haven't talked to in a while. Isle. The good thing about doing Benny versus the penny during football season? Is that eats up like six months a time that we haven't had anyone on. So even if we've had people on before, we haven't had him on

a long time. Brian Billy Brian Billick. So that's cool. Let's do a little bit of pop culture wonder a little pop culture. Pop goes the culture, Pop goes the culture because the culture goes bah boom ohio. Wowoooooooo all right, we have a few of these stories. These are great. I thought this was hilarious. I don't know why I thought this so funny. So did you see dateline Japan, dateline Japan? In this All of a sudden, Japan has seen the number of islands in their country double them.

You probably say, how did this happen? Was there some kind of volcanic incident that led to all these new islands? No, it turns out that they never properly counted the number of islands in Japan, and they use some new digital mapping ing mapping program and they discovered roughly seven thousand new islands. I'm not a numbers guy, but that doesn't seem to add up. Oh that's that blows my mind. Seven And we're not talking about like one or two

or ten or fifteen. We're talking about seven thousand, almost New islands. All right, No, there was that many to begin with. I didn't either. I had no idea but that seven thousands, Like I understand, mistakes happened, But how could that happen? That's that's wild, all right. New study out indicates this is pop goes the call. Your experts have revealed the happiest songs in the world. You want

to take a shot. There are two songs Danny that have listed have been listed on this pop goes the culture. You're a music guy. This music psychologist has found the formula for a happy song. The most uplifting tunes are at a hundred and thirty seven bpm and have regular rhythm and structure. Is Pharrell Williams happy in there? Not in the top two. This is a study done by a professor at the University of Sheffield in the u k oh UK. But it's music from all around the world.

I've got the top ten here, top ten. Let's see, uh thinking, y m c A. Yeah, there you go, number yeah, y m c A. The Village People, Number eight World good job by you. How about walking on Sunshine? Maybe, uh, let's see walking on Sunshine. I don't see there is a sun's there's a couple of suns songs, but not that um nimber light can't stop the feeling. Maybe No, I don't see that one. A lot of these are kind of in the same time period. Yeah, they're older songs.

Number ten, I'll give you the top. This is not list radio though, because it's a podcast. Number ten is September by Earth, Wind and Fire. That's a good one. Number eight or number nine rather as Waterloo from Abba Cheesy Group. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I've heard that. I have to go to YouTube. We heard the song we would know it. You got Number eight y m c A from the Village People. Number seven

is I Get Around from the Beach Boys. Number seven, number six the Sun is Shining from Bob Marley about Bob Marley making a list. There you Go. Number five song my mom used to like back in her day from Billy Joel Uptown Girl. Number five. Number four is get the Party Started from Pink. Number three House of Fun from Madness. I don't know that I'm familiar with that.

Number two on the list from James Brown, I Got You, I Feel Good from James Brown and then almost sampled songs of all time and the number one tune according to this the world's happiest song based on science, Trust the science. During COVID, they told us to trust the science. Got to be a Nirvana song, right and reveal answers, Reveal answers. The number one world's Happiest song is Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys. You behind that. I mean it's a happy song, but like the list should have

been happy songs are grandparents love? Yeah, that is true. These are these are older tunes. The Waterloo. Okay, we know this song. Okay, it's definitely that's like most of the songs on that list. You read our stuff. My grandpa would play in his garage when I was a kid, apecially the Boys, I Got You, I Got You. The The formula for a happy song is key major hundred and thirty seven beats per minute. Time signature says four strong beats to a bar. Tone has to be bright,

volume loud. It goes verse. The structure is verse coorse verse course of chorus, uh and UH seven chords. Short introduction I don't know. I'm not a music guy, but anyway, so that's all in there. But those are the ten right there. That's it. So if you get on one of those streaming apps, if you put all those ten songs together, nanny and you you're having a bad day. If you listen to those ten songs, you'll be smiling,

bouncing off the walls. Either that or you'll be feeling so old that you need There's also there's also that possibility well AI is amongst us and bad news for celebrities like Joe Rogan. There was a video that was made by a company to promote a sexual enhancement drug that had Joe Rogan talking to one of his guests on his podcast about the drug. It turns out it was a deep fake. Joe Rogan never did it. But this thing has been bouncing around the Internet and people

have no idea. It sounds it is the voice of Joe Rogan, and it's wild and this it's illegal to do, but they're claiming the experts there's really no way to stop it. Once it happens, you can then kind of control it a little bit, but the internet is so tough to to have guard rails up. So celebrities concerned about that. They they've also said, we've talked about this in the past, Danny, that this will lead to like porno, they'll be uh deep fake porno with celebrities that we

have to look forward to. Gigy. What else do we have here? Let's see your page down, page down on pop goes the culture. All right, so this this is a story that troubles me. Now it does involve porn. Uh so my right hand was getting a workout. Is now the first we talked about this also Louisiana last month, Remember we talked about Louisiana. Yeah, well they became the first date to require an I D for residents to

access porno online. Right, Well, we have an update since then, seven other states have said that's a great fucking idea. And according to a website that tracks this stuff, a Free Speech Coalition, there are seven other states that have introduced similar laws and laws that are positibly in the pass within the next couple of months. That means, if you want to watch porno, you gotta sign up, you gotta have your i D. Those states are Florida, Kansas,

South Dakota is on their West Virginia. So a lot of Bible Belt Arkansas, Mississippi, the Deep South, and Virginia. They say that Arkansas, Mississippi, and Virginia are the closest to passing the law. And some of these things could take place in June or July. That's wild to me. You know, that's gonna lead to Danny's a lot, a lot of VPNs, because that's the way you get around it. Right,

You got a VPN. You don't have to worry about it. Yeah, because we're already being tracked too much in our lives. You're damn right on that. All right, we'll get out on that thanks to the we're tracking you on the podcast right now. Yeah, I know. I can't believe that. Uh. And we have a wonderful, wonderful rest of your Saturday. Anything you want to promote Danny anything at all. Man, It is gonna be my last Saturday at the network for a while because I'm being crewed off with the

NFL people. Oh yeah, so I'm gonna go and have fun with Jonas Knox. We don't need to bring Jonas in from eleven to one West Coast time. And then Steve Hartman right after that from one to four. Okay, very cool, and I am on cameo. If you want a personalized video shout out out. It is not free, it is not that much. I've not raised the rate

in some time. And if you're a big fan of the show, or if you know somebody who is a big fan of the show, I do birthdays, weddings, bar mitzvah's, you name it, and I'd love to do a video for you or somebody you know. And that's all available on cameo dot com. Just search my name out Ben Mallard. Try to be specific on what you want, put as much detail in there as you can, and I will try to make your cameo dreams come true. So anyway, have a great day and we'll catch you on the

mailback next time. Osta pasta population